Not your average Tom Riddle story

By a Wondering Heart.

Summary: They tried to bring sixteen-year-old Tom Riddle out of the past. They ended up accidentally bringing him as a baby. Madness ensues.

Disclaimer: My name doesn't even begin with a J…

Chapter two (this is not a one-shot): Harry and Luna were the first victims

The Gryffindor Common Room was just wonderful, in Luna's opinion. All that red and gold, the fireplace, the high altitude… Why, this place should be the home of several Dragonite Pixies! She had been about to ask Harry if he had ever seen one when baby Voldemort spat on her shirt again and suddenly began to cry.

"What does he want?" Harry asked. He had never taken care of a baby before.

"I don't know," said Luna serenely. Unfortunately for our baby Voldemort, she had never taken care of a baby, either.

Baby Voldemort began to cry even harder. Luna stared at him intently for a few seconds, before suddenly deciding that Voldemort was hungry.

"I think we need to give him something to eat. What do you think, Harry?" Luna said.

"I dunno, whatever you say," Harry said. "But what would we feed it?"

"He, Harry," Luna corrected him. She did not seem to mind at all. "I think milk would be best."

"Are you sure it… he"—Harry forced himself to say; but that baby didn't look like a "he" at all!—"Eats milk? He looks older than that… Maybe he's a toddler."

"I'm pretty sure he is a baby, Harry," Luna said assured him, but Tom still looked a bit bigger than what a normal baby would be to him. "Now, where do you suppose we could get him a bottle of milk? I don't think the House Elves make lunch or dinner anymore…"

"I can go to the kitchens, if you want," Harry offered; he would be more than glad to get away from the baby that he knew would one day murder his parents.

"The baby would miss you, Harry," Luna said, shaking her. She was acting almost like if she were explaining this to another baby. Harry stared; she couldn't possibly be saying that Lord Voldemort, the Darkest Wizard alive (baby or not) would ever miss him!

"It's just a baby, Luna," Harry said. Luna didn't say anything, and the baby kept crying. "Er… Right. Now that I think about it, I can ask Kreacher to do it." He had not forgotten that he had Kreacher here at Hogwarts, but was only hoping to get away at least a while. And besides, Kreacher wasn't exactly a sane elf, and he didn't like him. "So… Erm… Kreacher?"

There was a loud pop and suddenly a very old house elf appeared. He gave one dirty look to Harry before giving a deep bow and saying, "The Master has asked for Kreacher?"

"Yeah, er… Kreacher, I need you to go to the Hogwarts kitchens and fetch us a bottle of milk for the baby," said Harry.

Kreacher gave him a look, and then turned to Luna and the baby. "So Master has gotten married to a filthy blood traitor and had a dirty half-blood of a baby," he muttered. "And poor Kreacher has been forced to serve him, oh how his Mistress would suffer if she knew!"

There was a horrible moment when Harry could hear Luna giggle. "Er… No, that's not it," Harry said, quite embarrassed. "Just… Just go and fetch the milk, would you?"

"As Master wishes," Kreacher said, and with that he disappeared with another pop.

"The baby does look like you, Harry," Luna said rather serenely, as if it had not affected her at all to have been thought of as its mother but a few seconds before. Little Tom had now calmed down a bit, and Luna kept rocking him up and down so he would calm down even more. Harry wondered if the baby Voldemort had somehow understood that his food was on the way.

A few seconds later, Kreacher reappeared with a bottle of milk. "What Master desired," he said, and gave Harry one last dirty look before he took the bottle from his hands, and then disappeared.

"That is a funny House Elf," Luna commented. Harry did not reply, and just gave Luna the bottle. "Thank you, Harry." Luna said, and sat down in a nearby chair.

"I wonder what the others are doing," Harry said, sitting in a chair near Luna's and watching with mild disgust as the baby's drool mixed with milk fell down on what had been once Ron's favorite chair. He felt glad they weren't at school anymore; it would have been pretty disgusting for him to have sat down there now.

"Things for the Order, I guess," Luna said. "But Moody told them to return to what they were all doing, so maybe not all of them are."

"Right," Harry said. He wondered what Ron and Hermione could be doing right now.

"All done," Luna said, and Harry returned his attention to her and baby Voldemort, who had now finished all of his milk. "You're a good baby, aren't you? You were quite hungry, too."

Harry stared. Most of the milk had ended up on the baby's face, and he was somehow making bubbles with it and his own drool. He heard the baby gurgle and then laugh.

"It seems very happy, Harry, we did a good job!" Luna said. Then she picked up the baby and moved him up at down; the baby giggled again. The former Ravenclaw did this for quite some time (baby Voldemort didn't seem to grow bored of it in the least) before taking him back down in her arms and allowing his head to rest once again on her shoulder. It was then that the baby Voldemort vomited.

Harry was so disgusted he literally jumped up from his chair and away from baby Voldemort as soon as possible. Luna just looked a little surprised.

"Well, this is odd," she said. "I guess babies can puke, too. I'd better go change. Will you hold him while I do so?" With this, she got up, and moved toward Harry, whom instinctively took a few steps back.

"Come on, Harry, he won't bite!" Luna smiled. "He can't be harmful, either. He is just a baby, after all!"

Harry thought this was Voldemort and indeed harmful in their time, but took the baby nevertheless. As horrified as he was by its drooling and now also vomiting he could not deny that Luna did indeed have a need to change her clothes. "Aright," He said, holding the baby as far away from him as possible. "Just hurry up, will you?"

"I will," Luna said, and then walked out the Fat Lady's portrait hole without any apparent hurry at all. Harry sighed in irritation and looked for a place to put the younger version of his hated enemy.

He didn't find anything but the already drooled- and puked-on chair, but as soon as he placed the baby there he began to cry again.

"What's wrong with you now?" Harry asked, not fully believing he was speaking to a baby. Or baby Voldemort, at that. Baby Voldemort just kept crying, and when Harry picked him up to check if there was something in the chair despite drool and vomit, the baby was for some reason quiet again.

"No…" Harry said, staring at the baby in horror. It had to be the chair, Voldemort wouldn't be wanting for him to pick him up… He tried another chair this time—his chair, the one he had been sitting at—and the baby cried once more. He picked him up; he was quiet. He tried it with another chair and another, then the floor and then he was so desperate he even went up to the Boy's Dormitories and tried at least five beds before trying the first chair again. Baby Voldemort didn't like any of those places.

"Why do you want me to pick you up?" Harry asked; the baby just gurgled and made a screeching noise Harry assumed to be a laugh. "No, don't laugh! Here, there's a chair…" Harry put him back in the first, dirty chair and the baby began to cry. He let him cry this time, there was no way he would pick the man—or baby—that had or will kill his parents and become his worst enemy. Just then, Luna reappeared.

"Harry!" Luna said, hearing the voice and walking up to Harry on the spot. "You can't take care of a baby like that! When he cries, that means he wants something." She picked the baby up again and, to Harry's horror, it kept crying. "Now, now, baby… what's wrong? You can tell me…" Harry heard Luna whisper, and then the baby stopped crying for a moment and started whining, moving its tiny hand towards Harry while threatening to cry again.

"Why, I think he likes you, Harry!" said Luna happily and handed him baby Voldemort. Harry had no choice but to hold him to make the noise stop. The baby made that screeching sound again that actually meant laughter, and tried to take his glasses. "Or maybe, he likes your glasses!" Luna said, laughing.

"You can have them if that's it," Harry said miserably, still holding the baby considerably away from his robes and glasses.

"Now, you don't hold a baby like that!" Luna said. He was starting to get annoyed by all of Luna's instructions. "You have to hold him like I did, that's the best way."

"Er… Right," Harry said, then unhappily drew Voldemort closer to him and tried to make him stay still. Unfortunately enough for him, the baby was so happy to be near Harry that he pulled his hair. "Ouch!" Said Harry, and tried to separate the baby's hand from his lock of hair with one hand, while still holding baby Voldemort with the other. The baby had a very strong grip for some reason. Luna was laughing now. "Let… go!" Harry was now arguing with the baby, but it just laughed again. When he finally let go of Harry's hair, it took his glasses and put him on his mouth.

"I knew he liked your glasses, Harry," Luna said, smiling serenely as she saw the baby's drool fall on the glasses Harry would have to put on his head to see. The world was but a blur to the teenage wizard without them. "Is that why you put them on, to attract a baby's attention?"

"No, Luna, that's not why I put them on," said Harry irritable, and took the glasses from baby Voldemort's tiny hands. They broke in two when he did so. Harry picked out his wand and said, "Occulus Reparo!" Then "Aguamenti!" when the glasses were repaired, so they wouldn't be full of drool anymore. Baby Voldemort and Luna both laughed. Harry put the glasses back on his face, annoyed, and was horrified when he felt the baby's drooling mouth reach his neck. "What on Earth!" Exclaimed Harry, instantly pulling baby Voldemort away from him as he felt the drool in his neck. He had faced slime, pus, even Fang's drool; but never had it come from another human being!

"There's nothing wrong with drool, Harry," said Luna, who was now sitting on Harry's chair. "We all have it, babies just show it more."

"I just can't wait until this task is over," said Harry miserably, and he sat on the chair nearest to Luna, after first making sure it wasn't the vomited one.

Just when he said it, the door opened, and McGonagall entered the room. Her face scanned the Gryffindor Common Room immediately, and only when she had made sure that the place was not a mess (she had once been the Head of Gryffindor, after all, and old habits died hard) did she look at the two Order members that were in it. "Harry, Luna; your shift is over. Have Ron and Hermione arrived?"

"No," said Harry and Luna in unison. While Harry was distracted, baby Voldemort drooled on him some more.

"You will wait until they arrive, then," said McGonagall, and without waiting for their answers left the Common Room at once and went back to her business.

"Well, at least it's over, Harry," Luna said, picking up the empty milk bottle she had left on the floor and handing it to him. "Would you mind asking that House Elf for more milk? It would be easier for Ron and Hermione to take care of Little Tom if you did."

"Sure," Harry said, and called out to Kreacher once more.

A/N: End of chapter! Thank you all so much for all the reviews! I love reviews! Alright, next chapter is Ron and Hermione (to all the H/Hr shippers, don't worry; this is a humor fic so I won't add any romance). And also: I'm fully aware that Tom Riddle hardly never cried when he was a baby, but I'm just assuming that the magic around Hogwarts made him feel more at home and that this made him act like a normal baby for once. It wouldn't be that much fun if Little Voldy couldn't cry anyway, now would it?

Now, same as always: Please read, enjoy, and hopefully review!