Author's Notes: Here's my explanation of Sam's growing emotional concerns throughout the series, including her love life. I'll be using this as a foundation for any future ship fics between this pairing. Spoilers for: First Commandment, Icon, Gemini, Prometheus Unbound. Takes place before Reckoning.
Disclaimer: Stargate, Stargate SG-1 and all of its characters, titles, names, and back-story are the property of MGM/UA, Double Secret Productions, Gekko Productions, SciFi Channel, and Showtime/Viacom. All other characters, the story idea and the story itself are the sole property of the author. This story cannot be printed anywhere without the sole permission of the author. Realize this is for entertainment purposes only; no financial gain or profit has been gained from this fiction. This story is not meant to be an infringement on the rights of the above-mentioned establishments
Sam scanned the room full of professionals, part of her hoping to overlook any familiar faces and disappear into the crowd. Biting her lip, she wrung her hands, taking another precursory glance over the reception hall.
She shouldn't be nervous. These were her colleagues. She shouldn't be on edge. Yet, for the first time in her life, she wanted to be anywhere but here. She'd rather be holed up in her lab, back on Cheyenne Mountain, pouring over equations on how to improve the Stargate's buffer system.
It wasn't that Sam had ever been anti-social. She was an outgoing individual, and she enjoyed the company of others around her, especially those that could understand and become as equally excited over scientific discoveries as she did. But tonight was different somehow. She felt as if all eyes were on her, waiting for her to make a move, or expected her to do something extraordinary – something beyond her abilities.
This is ridiculous, she chastised herself. Drawing upon her additional reserves of energy, she stepped forward, smiling brightly as she entered the crowd.
"Samantha Carter!" she heard a woman call. "Samantha, that is you!"
Forcing another smile, Sam turned to face her. At first, Sam didn't recognize the short, thin woman. But as she continued to talk, and to cock her head to the side while pursing her lips, Sam remembered her.
Gina Donalds. Gina had been one of the few – very few –women that had been in Sam's graduate program. In a field dominated by men, finding women in an accelerated program was rare. By luck, intelligence, or just based on their contacts, Sam, Gina, and three other women had made it up to the Master's level, with only Gina and herself graduating with Ph.D's in theoretical astrophysics.
Now, here, years later, Sam could come face to face with one of her colleagues – one who happened to be her fiercest rival.
"Hi, Gina," Sam replied, forcing yet another thin, tight smile. "How are you?"
"Doing wonderful," Gina replied. "And yourself? I didn't see you at the lecture."
Sam felt her smile dip slightly, but forced herself to hold her cordial appearance. "I know. I was held up. But I caught the very end with Professor Schindler speaking about glassiness in quantum systems."
"Ah," Gina said, her tone bordering on condescending. She paused briefly, long enough to appraise Sam. "That's a shame. Olga's speech on dualized gravitation was incredible." Her eyes twinkled as she sipped her wine.
Sam kept her plastic smile in place. Gina had always felt this need to point out her connections were stronger than Sam's, even in the most subtle ways. Sam had tried not to let it bother her; she knew that her place was a solid one, and didn't have to worry. Sam was confident in her intelligence. Unlike Gina and her annoying ability to suck up, Sam knew that it had been her intellect that had propelled her through life and had made her successful.
However, standing here with Gina made her question some of that strength. Her father had always supported her. Her ties with the military, along with her exemplary record at the Academy, had made completion of her degrees easier. Some might think that trying to work out serving in the air force while finishing a degree would be tough, but Sam actually found it to be enlightening. The military gave her the necessary outlet to vent her frustration, while schooling gave her the opportunity to escape from everything she encountered on the field.
But now, she wasn't so sure. Maybe she'd been deluding herself? Maybe her connections to the military, and its top officials and scientists had given her an unfair advantage that she hadn't seen before? She immediately thought back to her father, and how he had told her not only six years ago he could get her into NASA. And that was after she'd established herself in her field.
Suddenly, Sam wasn't feeling so great about coming here at all.
"What's the matter, Sam?" Gina asked, her silky voice giving Sam the urge to pop her one. "I'm sure you'll be able to obtain a copy of the lecture eventually."
"I'm sure," Sam said tightly.
"Just why were you late, anyway?" Gina asked before took a sip from her glass.
Sam paused. She imagined telling all her colleagues that she was running behind because an alien parasite who thought he was a god was trying to kill her. Sam suppressed a chuckle at the thought. Remembering where she was, she let her thoughts go and focused on Gina.
"I had to run some last minute diagnostics on a deep space telemetry project I'm working on," Sam replied.
Gina arched her eyebrows. "Sounds fascinating."
Feigning another smile, Sam had to keep herself from snapping at the little woman. Instead, she brought her gaze over Gina's head, scouting the room. Why couldn't she have bumped into Tom Jacobson? Or David Hassenfield?
She had always had more of an affinity with men, and working in the military and in a male dominated field had only intensified that feeling of comfort. She supposed the fact that her closest friends were male was no surprise.
How ironic that no matter where she went, she still always felt like "the girl."
When Sam realized she was unable to pick out any other familiar faces, she sighed and brought her gaze back down, noticing that Gina was watching her carefully. "Looking for someone?" the smaller woman asked.
Sam nodded. "He probably got lost."
"He?" Gina seemed doubtful. "Husband?"
Inwardly, Sam groaned. Why was everything such a competition with this woman? "No," she admitted, biting back her anger when she saw Gina grinning. "But, I am engaged."
"I see." Gina just shrugged her off, taking another sip of her wine, though Sam didn't miss the furtive glance at the ring on her left hand. "This project…" she continued, running her finger over the rim of her glass. "For the military, I'm guessing?" Gina pressed.
"That's right. The United States Air Force."
Gina nodded. "Well, they have to put people like you to work somewhere, I suppose."
Sam's face fell. "Excuse me?"
Gina's grin only widened. "I'm working at Harvard as an associate professor." She cocked her head. "Independent work, full grants, my own research lab. The administration has been very kind to me."
Sam wanted to pop. Everything in her field, everything in her life, always seemed so cutthroat. She never saw men this competitive. Though, she figured they just handled it in a different way.
Sam continued to hold the face of a brave soldier. To think, her job was to save people like Gina. Sam knew not only could she best this woman in a professional lecture, but also could equally kick her butt in hand-to-hand combat.
"Yes, yes. Harvard has been very good to me," Gina said.
"Harvard?"
Thank God.
Sam grinned at the sound of Daniel's voice, silently thanking him for agreeing to come with her tonight while Pete was on a stakeout. Just the thought of being stuck here alone all night with her…Sam didn't want to think how long it would take for a full out fight to develop. Deciding not to dwell on the thought of the reception hall filled with a dozen EMT's, Sam quickly beckoned Daniel with the wave of her hand. He complied, offering her and Gina a small smile as he balanced a plate of assorted appetizers. Popping a cracker in his mouth, he munched and waved with his free hand.
"Daniel, this is Gina Donalds, an old classmate of mine." She gestured between them. "And Gina, this is Daniel."
"Hello, Daniel…" Gina extended her right hand.
Sam thought she heard something that sounded like an "oh" from Daniel, as he quickly finished chewing. Dusting his hand across his suit pants, he smiled again and extended his hand. "Jackson. It's Daniel Jackson."
"Pleasure," she stated flatly. "So, you're Samantha's friend?'"
Daniel stopped nodding midway and frowned at Gina. He turned to Sam for an explanation, but all she could offer him was a sympathetic shrug. Gina certainly never made for a dull evening.
Gina's voice brought her back to the conversation. "You have an interest in Harvard?" she asked.
"Me?" Daniel asked, sounding surprised, as he turned to Sam for help.
Sam shook her head, warning Daniel not to go there. She knew how strongly Daniel felt about many of the instructors at top universities, especially Harvard, and she didn't need for him to get into another academic war tonight.
Though, part of her wouldn't mind him wailing on Gina.
"Somewhat," Daniel answered, tempering the spark that had ignited in his features. "I've worked with some associates from Harvard."
Sam frowned, not entirely sure where Daniel was going with this. She sent him another warning, but he was no longer paying attention to her. Daniel focused entirely on Gina.
"Oh really?" Gina asked with mild interest. "Have you earned a doctorate?"
"Yes," Daniel answered, but didn't elaborate. For once, Sam found herself wishing he had. She would have loved to see the other woman's face if…
"Several in fact," Sam found herself blurting out, surprising herself.
And apparently surprising Daniel and Gina as well.
"Several is a bit strong of a word…" Daniel said with a frown, narrowing his eyes at Sam.
"Interesting," Gina said. She flashed another winning smile, one Sam had remembered seeing on many occasions throughout her years of study. "But never taught at Harvard, I take it?"
"No."
Gina smiled. "Those you worked with…anyone I might know?"
"Probably not," he said, glancing back at Sam again. He wore that expression he often did when he thought he was talking to a crazy person. It took everything within Sam to keep from laughing.
Almost. Sam cleared her throat and looked away briefly.
Gina brought the glass to her lips, and paused. "Try me."
Oh boy, Sam thought, jerking her head at the comment. Having known the woman well, she was certain she had absolutely no interest in Daniel. Physically, Daniel was far from her former colleague's type, and Sam was sure Daniel would be the antithesis of everything that appealed to Gina. But that had never stopped her before. She seemed to like the idea of a challenge, and her flirtatious behavior just never seemed to quit, even after all this time.
Daniel chewed on another cracker, his gaze rolling upward as he thought. Sam knew it was all for show, and started to wonder if maybe Daniel had been drinking tonight. That was the last thing she needed right now.
"Daniel…" Sam started.
"Oh, Samantha, we're just chatting," Gina said with a laugh. "Relax."
Daniel nodded, turning back to Sam, flashing her a grin before returning his attention back to Gina. "Doctor Meyers."
"Doctor Meyers?" Gina questioned, her delicate face puckering into a frown. "The name sounds familiar, but I can't place it. Did he study biophysics, thermal dynamics…?"
"Archaeology," Daniel said simply.
"Oh," Gina replied. That's all she needed to say. The distain was more than evident in her voice, her face, and the way she carried herself.
Daniel stopped and pursed his lips before he stole a side-glance at Sam. Just by the annoyed look in his eyes, Sam could tell he knew exactly what she'd suffered through during her college years.
"Daniel's a linguist," Sam said to Gina, while stroking Daniel's arm affectionately. "His specialty is in Egyptology."
Gina lifted her chin, taking another swallow from her glass. "The social sciences, then?"
"That's right," Daniel said. He glanced down at his plate, sliding some of the items around with his finger. "The past can tell us a lot about the present."
"I can't see how that would very helpful in a practical way." Gina shrugged, finishing her glass. "But then, Samantha never was one to find any use in the practical."
Narrowing her eyes, Sam grabbed Daniel's arm and began to steer him away from the little bitch. She had a feeling where this conversation was going. Sam was right the first time; she wasn't looking forward to a war at a respectable reception. Let the physicists argue amongst each other. She had come to enjoy herself, or at least had convinced herself to have a little fun.
Daniel shook his head, his eyes lit with mild anger. "That sounded a bit like an insult to me."
"It's good to know that the social sciences are teaching something of value, then," Gina said, her eyes shining.
"And it's good to know the hard sciences aren't," Daniel said in return.
Sam snorted, watching Gina's composure shatter. Not at all offended over Daniel's remark at her academic love, Sam relished the moment. It wouldn't last long, and she knew that they had better start moving now, before a flock of the field's best and brightest came to converge on them.
"We'll be going now," Sam said, nudging Daniel in the small of his back. "It was nice seeing you, Gina," she said sweetly.
"Always," Gina said curtly.
"Yes," Daniel added, as Sam dragged him away. He reached out and shook Gina's hand once more. "Aside from the…" He made a quick gesture between the three of them. "It was great talking to you." Smiling softly, he dipped his head. "As a Japanese scholar once told me, 'anata no ikei wo miru to totemo koufun shimasu.'"
Gina, seeming to have forgotten the word sparring from a few seconds ago, blushed at the eloquent words Daniel had spoken to her. Waving, he left the confused woman alone with her wine glass.
"What did you just say?" Sam asked, hovering close to him as they headed back towards the buffet table.
Daniel shrugged, picking up a cube of cheese from the table. He was about to bring it to his lips when he saw the pie and moved to take a piece instead. "Just that she is the dumbest person that I had ever seen."
Sam's eyes widened. He had to be kidding. Searching Daniel's face for any sign that he was joking, she found nothing.
"Did a Japanese scholar really tell you that?" she asked, creating a small platter of vegetables for herself.
Daniel nodded, much to her horror. "Those were kind words, Sam. I've been called a lot worse." He added some dip to his plate and a few more cubes of cheese, sniffing them, before sliding one into his mouth. "Speaking of talking, why were you so quiet back there?"
She grimaced, turning her head away from him. Picking at the celery stalks on her plate, she struggled to find a way to answer him. She didn't seem to understand her hesitation herself.
"Sam…" he started, his gaze bearing down on her.
She sighed. "I don't know, Daniel. I'm just not comfortable being here tonight."
Daniel looked around the room, as if he were looking for clues in the folds of the old draperies that lined the walls. His gaze settling on Gina for a moment; he pursed his lips as he thought, before his gaze settled on Sam. "Is it that woman?" he asked, motioning with the flick of his wrist to Sam's old colleague. "Sam, I've never seen you—"
"I'm not perfect, Daniel," she snapped, biting hard into the celery stick.
She froze. Daniel was staring at her with his mouth open. Starting to feel guilty, she winced at the shocked and befuddled look he was giving her. Quietly, she grabbed a few more vegetables, trying to ignore the heat that burned in her cheeks. She knew several eyes were on her now, probably questioning her behavior to the highest exponential degree, or trying to find some theory of cause and effect to explain her little outburst.
Sam needed some wine.
"Hey," Daniel asked softly, moving to her side. "Did you want to leave?"
She shook her head. "No. But can we go somewhere more private?"
They found themselves outside, strolling the grounds around the reception hall. The administration had remolded the campus for the event, creating sweeping landscapes of various plants and brightly colored flowers that contrasted sharply with the aging buildings that hid in the shadows. They created a peaceful, almost perfect, snapshot of the quiet, mundane life of academia. She wondered that maybe, in another life or in another reality, she was happy at a place like this, oblivious to the ongoing struggle beyond the stars.
She and Daniel had said nothing since she'd asked to leave the reception. She needed some time, some silence, to diffuse and find her center of strength. Sam hated to feel off-balance; she preferred order, guidelines, rules…Chaos left too much room for the unknown, and the unknown wasn't quantifiable.
Sam glanced at Daniel. He was walking beside her, keeping his pace slow, while absently pushing around whatever was left on his plate with his index finger. She glanced down at her own plate and realized she wasn't even hungry.
Sam sighed. To her left, she noticed a patch of green with carefully sculpted flowers. The bright posies spelled out "Welcome." Funny. She felt anything but welcome.
"So…" Daniel said at last, tossing his plate into a nearby canister. "Are you going to tell me what's bothering you, or do I have to resort to torturing you with Phoenician trade theories?"
Sam forced herself to smile before turning to pick at her plate. "It's nothing. Really."
"That looked like a whole lot of nothing."
She bit her lip, turning her head away from him. She had to ignore him or she feared she would just snap at him again. Memories of what her replicator self had showed her returned to haunt her. She saw herself mercilessly kill him. Over and over. The scene continuously replayed in her mind. All these years, she had grown so close to her team, her friends, and in the end, this is what her life came down to? That she would mow them all down, just to get what she wanted?
"Sam?" he asked, hesitant.
She stared out into the campus. It was so quiet and ordered. Serene was the word that came to mind. When her mind slowed, chaos crept inside, forcing her to see and acknowledge things that she didn't have time for during her demanding schedule. Sam preferred to keep busy.
"Sam?" Daniel asked again, this time his voice laced with concern. She felt his hand on her shoulder.
"I don't know Daniel," Sam said with a sigh. "Sometimes I think maybe I'm making the wrong decisions."
Daniel frowned, moving to scratch his chin thoughtfully. "Wrong decisions? Well, we all make mistakes from time to time."
"No, this is different."
"What do you mean?"
Sam didn't know where to begin. Shaking her head, she started walking down the path again. "Should I start with how I can't seem to run SG-1 or with my disastrous childhood?"
"Whoa, Sam." He grabbed her arm, steering her back to stand beside him. The light and shadow played on his face, growing significantly darker, as he led her away from the well-lit reception hall. "You can't run SG-1?
She swore under her breath, wishing she had never brought this up to begin with. She glared at her plate.
Daniel wouldn't understand the pressures that came with leading SG-1. Daniel and Teal'c were her responsibility now, and if anything were to happen to them, she would be to blame. How could she live with herself if something terrible happened to them? What about General O'Neill? Would he ever trust her again?
Her insecurities about leading, especially after having seen her teammates go through so much this year, were only compounded by her past mistakes. She had taken it upon herself to override some of the Gate protocols just so they could get a lock. They had – no, she had – almost lost an entire planet. To this day, they still didn't know what had saved the K'tau, but whatever had happened could not erase the fact she had caused the spectral shift.
Sam wasn't blind to the fact that people kept their distance from her. Her intellect scared most people on base. She got along with even fewer people. The only woman that ever really had been able to relate to her was Janet, and now Janet was gone.
Cassie had blamed her. God, the accusation had hurt so deeply. Even though Sam had lost her own mother, she seemed to lack the ability to effectively relate and empathize with Cassie like a normal person should. She tried to be there for her, but here she was, still going on missions, leaving Cassie alone.
She blew up suns in her spare time. How was that ethical? How was that normal?
Angry, she tossed the plate onto the top of the small stone wall that lined the pathway. "I lost you on Tegalus."
"Tegalus?" Daniel blinked. "What happened on Tegalus had nothing to do with you." He paused, his tone shifting. "Whatever happened there is my responsibility."
"You were still under my command."
"Actually, Jack authorized my extended visit over on Tegalus."
She shook her head. "It doesn't matter. Look at everything that has happened since I've taken command. I trusted my replicator double. God, how could I have been so stupid? I'm supposed to be smarter than that, Daniel!"
Daniel appeared uncomfortable. He looked away, the ever-present frown on his face deepening. Finally, he sighed and shoved his hands in his pockets, bringing himself back to reality and to her. "There was no way to know what the replicator was thinking."
"She knew me. She knows everything that I know." Sam set her jaw. "I should have known."
Daniel's gaze was firm, but there was a softness beneath it. "She's not you."
Sam stared at him, struggling to keep her insecurities at bay. " Essentially, she is. We have the same thoughts and feelings." She shook away the thought of killing her friends. "She would stop at nothing to get what she wanted."
"Ambition," Daniel said simply.
She sighed and turned away. "You wouldn't understand."
"No, probably not," she heard him say. She felt his body brush against her back as he stepped closer to her. "But, we all reach a moment in our lives when we have to face something about ourselves that we don't like, whether it's completely true or not."
His voice was laced with sadness and a distant pain. Sam remained silent so he could continue.
"It's how we then use that knowledge. We can either take it and head down that dark path, or we can acknowledge it and find a way to make ourselves better by it."
"Shifu's dream."
"Yes," he said quietly.
Daniel had never told them, not even O'Neill, the exact details of what happened between him and Shifu. But just by the summary that he'd shared in their briefing not long after the Harsesis child had left the SGC, she had been able to figure out what probably had happened.
Now, she knew that she had been right.
"We all make mistakes, Sam," he continued. "No one is perfect."
"General O'Neill wouldn't have made that mistake," she said bitterly.
"No," Daniel conceded. "But, he makes louder ones."
The comment caught Sam off-guard, and she couldn't help but smile.
"At least when we go off-world now, I don't have to worry about thinking of ways to talk us around Jack's big mouth."
She chuckled and turned around to face him. "So, I'm just less work for you?"
He threw her a mischievous smirk. "You found me out."
Sam felt a slight blush reach her cheeks. Daniel seemed to have this ability to hold her up and make her stronger. When she looked at him, deep into him, she could see past all of his faults and even all of her faults, to the person held deep inside. She often swore she could see herself in there.
Daniel reminded her of all the good times in her life, along with some of the sad. But even as she stood beside him and could think fondly about their times together, her memories also left her cold. At times, Daniel seemed unbreakable. Whenever someone wanted someone to talk to, they went to Daniel. If someone needed moral support, they went to Daniel. If someone wanted a certain kind of insight, they went to Daniel. They only came to her when something needed to be fixed.
In truth, she always turned to Daniel when something was on her mind. But part of her often hoped and wished that people would come to her instead.
The elevation in her mood that she'd just felt a few seconds ago started to wane. She felt ashamed of her feelings. She pushed them away, forcing herself to smile again. She would be grateful. She was grateful but…
Sam reached out and stroked Daniel's arm. "Thanks," she said with earnest. "I just…"
Daniel's eyes narrowed slightly. "Sam, where is all of this coming from?"
Sam wished she knew. She wished everything could be less emotional and more concrete. She let out the breath she hadn't realized she'd been holding.
"Logically, I know that things change. I mean, it would defy the laws of nature if everything always were to remain the same. But…I'm not sure, Daniel. Sometimes things just feel wrong."
"Is…is that what that was about back there?" he asked her, motioning towards the reception hall.
She hadn't meant to snap at him. But the pressure lately was getting to her. Not only was she the leader of SG-1, watching the backs of her friends, she also oversaw the science and technology department within the SGC. Her guilt over what happened with her replicator self was twisting her inside out. Relations between the Tok'ra and the SGC were still strained, which in turn affected her relationship with her father. Years later, Jolinar still confused her, making her question what parts of her mind were hers or the Tok'ra's. She couldn't handle the pressure. She should be able to handle it.
"Hey," Daniel said. "What's going on?" He paused, taking the opportunity to study her closely. Daniel always knew somehow. He always knew. "This has nothing to do with our missions or the reception here tonight, does it?"
To tell the truth, she wasn't sure. But in the end she would have to say…"No."
"Then, what is it? Really?" She kept strong as she felt his hand rub her back. "You can tell me, Sam."
Sam looked up at him, catching the deep concern and commitment in his eyes. Feeling like she could tell him anything, she wasn't surprised when she blurted out the worst fear nagging on her mind.
"I'm having doubts about Pete," she said at last.
Daniel was obviously stunned by her response. He shifted uneasily, placing his hands on his hips as he looked at everything but her. Once he seemed to have found himself again, he returned his gaze to her, his jaw oddly askew as he bit down on the side of his mouth.
"Oh," he managed to say.
Sam ran her hands down the side of her dress. She felt somewhat disappointed by Daniel's response, but what exactly was she expecting from him? She could tell she had placed him in an uncomfortable situation, but she couldn't seem to stop herself.
"Well…" he started again, clapping his hands together. "I mean, why? I thought he was a nice guy."
"He is," Sam said. "He's great. He's perfect."
"Okay, so…"
She gazed at him, her mouth open. She knew she could always turn to Daniel for anything, but telling him about her love life seemed so wrong. "I don't know," she finally was able to say.
Pete gave her everything she wanted. He was kind. He was sweet. Sam knew whatever she asked of him, he would give it to her.
Pete was the kind of guy that she imagined when she was a child. Not quite Prince Charming, but a close approximation. He was the watered-down version of Mister Right, the homegrown king of suburbia. He was the type of guy that Sam could rely on, and who could put her up on a pedestal.
She started to walk again, as if the act of movement could allow her to leave her doubts behind. A pedestal. Pete treated her like fine china. Is that what she really wanted? All those years of asserting herself….
And just what the hell was she asserting and whom was she asserting it to? The thought poked and prodded her mind, some vestige of the nightmare and revelations she'd gone through on the Prometheus last year.
Even now, a year later, she didn't know what she wanted.
Sam glanced over to Daniel, watching as he walked along side her. She knew he was studying her by the way he kept sneaking furtive glances in her direction, pausing every so often to search her face. But, he remained quiet, giving her space to breathe. His patience was both relieving and nerve-wracking at the same time.
It wasn't as if Pete mistreated her. He treated her with respect. He made her feel loved, warm, and secure. All her life, she just wanted to feel that security, the knowledge that someone loved her and expected nothing from her.
Expectations. Was that what this was about? Her father had always asked so much of her. Dammit, she wasn't his little soldier. But why did she feel like everything she ever did came back to him somehow?
Even now she was terrified her father wouldn't like Pete. As far as Sam was concerned, her father's approval or disapproval of her love interests shouldn't matter. It was her life.
Was that it? Was she just picking men that she knew her father would hate as an act of rebellion? Or did she pick out men she hoped her father would approve of since she wanted that validation?
It was maddening. Sam hated the uncertainty of emotions. She detested them and wished she could bottle them and toss them into the sea, never to be found again. Emotions made her weak. They made her vulnerable. She couldn't be a strong, capable, military leader if she kept being influenced by her emotions.
"He expects so much from me," Sam snapped. "He's always been that way. He's never satisfied with anything I do. He's always wanting more from me."
Only the best for my Sammy.
"Pete?" Daniel asked.
"No, my father." She exhaled. "He never approved of Jonas Hanson."
"I thought you broke that off."
"I did."
Daniel nodded. "Okay, and?"
She glared at him. "He was insane. You meet him."
"Well, couldn't that just as easily have been your judgment and not have anything to do with your father?" he asked.
He was right. Sam hadn't even been speaking to her father when she initially started dating Jonas. But she couldn't deny that part of her had hoped that by seeing Jonas she might be able to reach out to her father.
Sam sighed and grabbed onto Daniel's arm. He didn't protest – something for which she was grateful. They stayed that way, strolling the campus grounds for the next couple of minutes until he finally spoke.
"Sam, I'm not sure I'm the best person to be telling this to," he said in a rather guilty tone. "Maybe you should really sit down and have a talk with Pete."
She felt her cheeks turn pink. She knew that she should be discussing this with her fiancé, but she had a hard time talking to him. Every time they met, he was always smiling, happy, and excited about their wedding plans. It kept bothering her and she just couldn't understand why.
No, she couldn't talk to Pete. Not yet. God, why not? He was her fiancé.
What was wrong with her?
"Pete and I started planning the wedding," she said, her voice low.
From the corner of her eyes, she could see Daniel flinch. "Isn't that something you're supposed to be happy about?"
"I don't sound happy?" She knew she didn't.
"Well, you did just tell me you're having doubts." He patted her hand and tried to offer her a sympathetic smile. "Are you sure it's not just cold feet?"
Naturally, she had considered that. She knew full well she had commitment problems in the past. But that wasn't her fault. She had to be tough. She lived and worked in a man's world, both in the military and in academia. She didn't have time to get lost in romance, and when she did…
That's when it dawned on her that maybe it just wasn't acceptance she sought from her father. What if she had been seeking acceptance from everyone? All the men in her life, from Narim to Martouf to Pete – she needed for them to see that she could be her best, that she was perfect.
She wanted General O'Neill to respect her and see that she was the brightest scientist and soldier that he could ever have under his command. She wanted to prove to Teal'c that Tau'ri women stood their ground and could fight along side the best. She wanted Daniel to see that she could be as innovative and creative in her breakthroughs as he could be.
She clutched Daniel's arm harder. So, she had a theory. Was it true? In all her flirtations with Teal'c, her ongoing conflicted feelings for Jack O'Neill, her old secret crushes on Daniel…were those emotions real? Imagined? Was she misreading signals or searching for something that wasn't there?
She loved them. She loved all of them. But just what kind of love was it? She didn't know. She just didn't know.
All she ever wanted was for someone to love her and to make her feel special. Didn't she deserve to feel special? After all she had suffered through during her life, after all the achievements she had accomplished, and all the times she risked her life for her country, didn't she deserve love?
But her life was wrong somehow. It was all wrong and she didn't know how to fix it.
She needed to be able to fix it. If she couldn't order her emotions, if she couldn't tweak her life to fit what it should be, then where was she?
Numbers and figures – they never asked anything from her.
Daniel's gentle tugging brought Sam back from her reverie. He turned her around to look at her. His worried gaze pierced through his glasses and into her, causing yet another conflicting ripple of discomfort and ease to wash through her.
"Are you happy?" he asked her.
Of course she was happy. Why wouldn't she be happy?
Everyone had doubts.
Everyone gets cold feet, Sam, she told herself.
But, instead of reassuring him, Sam found herself telling Daniel something completely different. "I love him. I'm not sure I'm in love with him."
Daniel searched her face. The thought struck Sam that maybe he was looking for some kind of clue in her features, as if he could unlock the great big puzzle of that was her life. She almost wished that he could and that he would.
Then, he reached down, unbuttoned his suit jacket, and placed it over her shoulders. He smiled warmly.
"We're under a lot of stress right now," he said as they turned and started walking back to the reception hall together. "Maybe you just need a couple of days off to clear your head."
The corners of her mouth twitched as she tried to smile. More like a year, she thought, but kept the comment to herself. Instead, she drew his jacket close to her body and continued to walk with him towards the hall.
"What about you?" she decided to ask. "Do you ever feel—?"
"Misplaced?" Daniel shrugged. "A long time ago. But ever since I descended, I've felt good. Whole. Like I finally found somewhere I belonged."
"You always belonged."
A small wistful smile touched his lips. "Yes, but sometimes it takes a while to realize something like that." The mischievous glint returned to his eyes as he turned to look at her. "It's amazing, isn't it?"
"What's amazing?"
"We're considered brilliant by some, geniuses even, and yet how ironic is it that we have such a hard time figuring ourselves out?"
She slipped her hand into Daniel's and leaned into him, relishing the peace she found in their time together. Talking to Daniel had been a good idea, she decided. Daniel always found a way to make her feel good about herself and not feel like she was alone.
The two of them remained that way until they had walked far enough to reach the Welcome sign. Here, Daniel stopped and released her hand, only to walk over to the flowers to pick one out. Grinning, he returned to her, showing her the blossom like it was some sort of prize.
"Calla Lily," he announced.
She stared at the beautiful flower before eyeing him suspiciously. "How did you know that?"
He shrugged. "Sarah used to love flowers. Really love flowers."
She took the flower from him, twirling it between her fingers. It was subdued white, with a faded pink glow that lined the inside of the soft petals. She held it close, titling her head to gaze at him.
Daniel's grin had softened into a shy smile. "Flowers have always been part of human history. Well, at least through ancient time through today." He reached out to run his fingers along the top of the flower, careful not to touch the pollen inside. "Talk of flowers can be found in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs, as well as Chinese symbols. In fact, the Greeks and Romans used to have entire festivals devoted to flowers and the goddesses of spring. Floriography, or the language of flowers, didn't actually become a practice until in the 1700's when a Lady Mary Wortley Montagu went to Turkey and interpreted, wrongly I might add, the Turkish memorization system, selam, to be a language of meanings. And, well, after that, flowers became a big part of European life, and later, American life." He dropped his hand to touch her wrist. "The Calla Lily is a symbol of beauty."
She smiled – a genuine full-fledged smile, despite Daniel's unnecessary history lesson. His heart was in the right place and that was all that mattered.
"Thank you." She leaned into him, holding her flower. "I'm glad you could come tonight," she told him.
Daniel smiled, moving to wrap his arm around her shoulders. "Me too."
The pair rounded a bend in the walkway and headed toward the back entrance to the reception hall. She was glad that Daniel had accompanied her tonight. She felt a little guilty for enjoying Daniel's company over Pete's, but Daniel was a friend, someone she had known for a long time. She needed this tonight.
She wrapped her arm around his waist and pulled him closer. Maybe she and Daniel were a little different than everyone else. Maybe they took longer to figure themselves out. But they had found a place to belong. They had each other.
She titled her head and looked at him. He returned her gaze. For a moment, she thought there might be something else in his eyes, something that made her heart race. She grabbed at the fabric around his waist and leaned closer when the phone rang.
She frowned, wondering where the ringing was coming from. She didn't have a purse with her. Daniel was carrying some of her more necessary items.
"Your phone?" she asked.
"My phone," he answered, withdrawing from her. "Um, I think it's in my pocket."
Sam nodded and started to fish around in Daniel's suit jacket. Stunned, she couldn't believe how much junk he had stashed in here. In his suit jacket. Finally, she found the phone, glanced at the ID, and sighed before she brought it to her ear. "Hello?" she asked.
"Why, Daniel. My has your voice changed."
Sam smiled into the phone. "Hi, Sir."
"You kids having fun?"
She paused, tempted to let the deluge of doubts and insecurities overwhelm her again. Instead, she leaned into Daniel. "A wonderful time, Sir."
"Ah. Yes. I can see how a room full of physicists would be the life of the party."
"Tell him they had pie," Daniel whispered to her, making it difficult for her to keep from laughing.
"Are we laughing?" General O'Neill asked suspiciously.
Sam ignored the comment and composed herself. "What can we do for you, Sir?"
She heard him sigh on the other end of the line. "Bra'tac just stopped by the SGC. Seems like he and Teal'c have this multilateral plan in place to strike at the Goa'uld." There was a pause. "I'm going to need you and Daniel to come back to the base."
Sam figured as much. "Okay, Sir," she said, stifling a sigh as she attempted to keep the disappointment out of her voice. "We'll head out right away."
"All right." She could tell that O'Neill felt bad as well. "Make sure you bring me some pie."
"Right, Sir." Sam disconnected the call and pocketed the phone.
"What was that all about?" Daniel asked.
"General O'Neill needs us back at the SGC. Seems like Bra'tac and Teal'c are part of major campaign against the Goa'uld."
Daniel pursed his lips and nodded. "So, we get to go along for the ride."
"Yup."
And that was it. She was finally starting to enjoy her evening, and now it was back to the SGC. She couldn't believe this was one time she wanted to be away from the mountain.
But duty called.
She and Daniel made their way up the steps and re-entered the reception hall. Plenty of people continued to mingle and chat, all lost in their own little world of fission and quarks.
"Oh, Sam?"
She glanced back at him over her shoulder. "Yeah?"
"Promise me that when we get back, if you're still having doubts, you'll talk it over with Pete." He licked his lips, his eyes full of concern. "If you love him, you both deserve to try to make things work."
She reached over and squeezed his hand before playfully tucking the flower over his ear. "Thank you. Just promise me that you'll stick around in case I need…someone to talk to."
He laughed. "I'm not going anywhere."
She squeezed his hand again – this time, with gratitude – as they left the hall to grab their coats. Daniel was her support, he confidant. Sometimes she often thought of him as her other half.
He was right. As soon as they got back from this mission, she would sit down and talk to Pete. They would work out their difference for the better or for the worse.
And in the end, Sam knew that no matter what happened, she could turn to Daniel to listen to her concerns, empathize with her pain and her joy, and make her understand that not everything had to be perfect.
The End