"SOMEWHERE IN THE NORTH ATLANTIC..."

In a darkened room in which a sonar "ping" sound resonates, Zabuza is looking out the window.

Zabuza: Haku, what's our depth?

Haku: Twenty thousand leagues, sir.

Zabuza: Take her to twenty-one.

Haku: Twenty-one! But, why?

Zabuza: Because it's more fantastical.

(Someone starts banging on the door)

Zabuza: Don't answer it. It's evil Surgeon Reef.

Haku: I'm answering it.

Zabuza: Don't. If you open that door, we'll drown.

Haku: Nani?

(Haku opens the door, and a forklift slowly drives in with a stack of lumber. It lowers the lumber by Zabuza's feet and slowly backs out, with that "backup" beeping sound. )

(Silence...which is suddenly interrupted by the sound of crashing, general mayhem and alarms.)

Zabuza: Wooden eels! Surface! Surface!

(Kisame, who is in the control room, throws a lever, and a Jolly Roger skull appears on the monitor)

Zabuza: Speed up! No, not that fast! (pile of lumber slides across the floor) Slow down!

(Kisame throws the lever again, a frowny-face appears on his monitor)

Zabuza: I'm blacking out! (his voice echoes, fades away in the chaos)

(Return to lighted treehouse. Kisame is lying on the floor with eyes closed, next to the lumber pile)

Zabuza: Kisame is dead! Murdered! (more crashing, mayhem) Haku, serve the first course!

Haku: Aye-aye, Cap'n. Pudding, comin' up.

Zabuza: The only thing we can do now is eat. And bring out my first suspect.

(Enter Itachi)

Itachi: Hello, Mr. Zabuza.

Zabuza: Itachi, Kisame's skull has been fractured. With what appears to be... (looks at pipe wrench that he is holding)... a wrench.

Kisame: (wakes up) Ugh. This dinner mystery sucks.

Zabuza: (jumps up and stomps on Kisame's head)...Which was last in my hand. In the veranda. Where I was loosening the gas pipe.

Itachi: I see, Z-Man.

(Zabuza and Itachi laugh)

Haku: (From kitchen) Is it possible we surfaced too rapidly?

Kisame: (stands up, holding a script) Rrreah! That's it. I'm not doing this anymore. This whole thing sucks.

Itachi: What sucks?

Kisame: THIS! This is what sucks! The whole thing with the sub! We're not underwater! We're in a fuckin' treehouse in the middle of the fuckin' woods! I knew this was a dumbass idea.

Itachi: Oh, man, you'd better not play that game with The Z-man, Kisame, you could get a nice Jackie Chan chop right in the back of your neck.

Zabuza: Hang on, y'all. (pulls out the pipe wrench)

Kisame: What's that for?

Zabuza: Do not. (hits Kisame on the head with the wrench) Disturb. (hits him again) THE JUDGE! (hits him again)

Kisame: Ow! Ow! Owww!

Itachi: Daaamn!

Haku: God, that was violent.

Zabuza: I blame... the sea.

Itachi: You need to give me a sword thing like you be running around the place with.

Zabuza: Why?

Itachi: I'm gonna use it.

Zabuza: For what?

Itachi: I might use it to cut you with it.

Zabuza: Oh. Sure.

Itachi: Give it to me.

Zabuza: I will.

Itachi: So let me have it.

Zabuza: No.

(Haku walks in, carrying a bowl of pudding)

Haku: Where do you want this-

(Zabuza knocks the bowl to the floor, with a crash)

(Silence, as Zabuza looks away)

Haku: ... um?..Captain?

Zabuza: We're in silent running here.

Haku: (Nervous giggle) Ano... o-kay...

Zabuza: Haku! We are in silent running! DO YOU UNDERSTAND THE CONCEPT OF SILENT RUNNING!

Haku: Um, you want another one?

Zabuza: (Hissing) Silent.

Haku: Okay.

(It is)

Itachi: So why are you giving me such a hard time with giving the sword?

Zabuza: What are you talking about?

Itachi: Well Y'know-

Zabuza: Haku! Make a fire with these eels!

Haku: Hai.

Zabuza: But be quiet. We're underwater.

Haku: Um, we surfaced.

Zabuza: YOU HANDLE THE SALADS UNTIL YOU GET KILLED!

Haku: You told me to surface, so... that's what I did.

Zabuza: (not listening) Now, wood pile, did you or did you not masquerade as eels and shock Kisame with that wrench? Answer me! Now... what about these pocky sticks?

(There are pocky sticks scattered on the floor)

Haku: Those must have fallen out of his hair.

(Zabuza stares back in silence)

Haku: Well, we're just making all this up, sir.

(Zabuza continues staring silently)

Haku: Why are you the only one that gets to make stuff up?

(Zabuza continues staring silently)

Haku: (sighs) Those are part of the dinner.

Zabuza: No, they're not. They're part of the plot.

Haku: They were on the menu.

Zabuza: Murder is on the menu. Look, pocky stick prints on the wrench. But what is the wrench for?

Haku: That's where you were trying to fix the, uh, gas leak, and you made it leak.

Zabuza: Is that where I got all these ideas? 'Cause they're brilliant! Hey! Break all the pipes in the sub for more good ideas!

(Zabuza breaks three more pipes with his wrench; gas fumes fill the "sub")

Zabuza: Dive! Dive! (Klaxons sound) Haku, suck on the pipe!

Haku: Um...

Itachi: Z-Man is definitely with it.

(Zabuza puts his head inside a broken pipe; his voice, and everyone else's, becomes high-pitched)

Zabuza: Hang on! We're going underwater.

Itachi: All right, Ninja Man. (Pause) You're a little freaky...

Kisame: (stands up, groggy) Ugh, owww... what happened

Itachi: Doing that little funny thing, you'd better watch that, man.

(Zabuza beats Kisame with the wrench)

Itachi: You don't play no games from the year 2006 and change.

(Zabuza hits Kisame three more times...the poor bastard is now either comaose or just dead)

Zabuza: Look, I pieced it together. Kisame wasn't dead, but now he is.

Itachi: Crazy, man.

Zabuza: And then you showed up.

Itachi: Yeah, I know man, but, you know, you seem like a cool cat. You need to come and hang out with us so you can learn what that twitchin' is all about.

Haku: (Hops on the table) Aiya! Don't stand on the floor. The floor is spoiled... Like milk.

Zabuza: (Sitting at table) This is so goddamn weird, isn't it?

(Zabuza laughs hysterically)

Zabuza: Hey... hey, Itachi. Itachi.

Itachi: Yep?

Zabuza: Remember when I broke the back of Minami's skull?

Haku: Minami? Who's Minami? Where... where did Minami come from?

Zabuza: I mean Kisame. Kisame was who I breaked. No, wait, no, it was Kakashi. Ah, nobody cares.

Haku: Haku cares!

(A second Zabuza appears behind the first, followed by many more)

Zabuza 2: Hey, let's go outside and do the show in the woods.

Zabuza 1: Okay.

(Cut to campfire in the woods)

Itachi: (normal voice) I just think that this is, this... this, you know, this, the way the events have occurred in the last few years, has been really disastrous for, not just people, but, you know, entertainment and, you know, many other things on the whole, and...

Zabuza: I'm not getting one good idea.

Itachi: I think that if we don't start...

Zabuza: Let's go back inside where the gas is.

Haku: Okey-doke.

(Cut to treehouse. Itachi, lying on the floor behind the desk, is still laughing hysterically. Everyone's (voice is) high again)

Zabuza: Get up, Kisame. (Throws Kisame's lifeless carcass across the room) The gas is giving me an idea. Everything I do and say should be recorded by cameras. Do you think that Walt would be interested in that?

Haku: Walt Disney is dead, sir. Like wood…

Zabuza: Who killed Walt Disney? With a wrench?

Haku: Ummmm...No one?

Zabuza: Shit. Is he gonna sue us?

Haku: Walt Disney is deaaaaad.

Zabuza: I know! Goddamnit, how many times do I have to tell you that? Hey, wood! We should build something...

(SEVEN HOURS LATER: Two boards are nailed together in an upside-down "v" shape. An extension cord is taped to one board.)

Haku: Wow. What's it do?

Zabuza: It's symbolic, Haku. Things don't always have to do things. Now, help me plug it into the wall.

Haku: Sir, uh, maybe we should just get Kisame to the hospital or something.

Zabuza: What, and just leave the eels here? That's insane.

(Kisame wakes up again)

Zabuza: What happened to you?

Kisame: I was hit with a wrench.

Zabuza: (hits Kisame with wrench again) We have to get you to the hospital.

(Cut to a Goth rave club. Psychedelic lights flash throughout the club, silhouetting Zabuza, Haku, Itachi and Kisame. Loud Rob Zombie music plays in the background)

Zabuza: What the fuck kind of hospital is this?

(Fireballs rise in front of them)

(Cut to Zabuza's car)

Zabuza: What the fuck kind of a hospital was that?

Haku: You just missed the turn.

Zabuza: Hold on, watch this.

(Zabuza steers the car into a canyon. It bounces and flips end over end before finally crashing to a halt. Cut to view from inside the car; we see Zabuza with flames behind him)

Zabuza: Haku, talk to me, are you okay?

Haku: Owie...

Kisame: I'm not, ugh, I'm hurt.

Zabuza: Oh, don't worry, I'll fix that.

Kisame: Ugh, I'm passin' out.

Zabuza: We have to get you to the hospital.

(Echo and fade to black. Cut to the produce section of a grocery store. Kisame is lying on the floor)

Haku: Where are we?

Kisame: Ugh...

Zabuza: You can pick anything. Pick anything you like.

Haku: We need some flavor rice. And pudding.

Kisame: I need toilet paper.

Zabuza: Did you see the lights flicker?

Haku: (looks) Nuh-uh.

Zabuza: Look at it but don't blink.

(Silence)

Kisame: (coughs)

Haku: What are we doing?

Zabuza: Wait, did it just do it again?

Kisame: I'm gonna go now.

Zabuza: It did it again.

Kisame: Don't follow me.

Haku: Hang on, I'm going with you.

Zabuza: Not so fast. Roll call. Haku.

Haku: Bored.

Zabuza: Kisame.

Kisame: Eat me.

Zabuza: Itachi. Where's Itachi?

(Cut back to rave scene. Itachi is still laughing wildly. Cut back to supermarket.)

Zabuza: This seems like as good a time as any to welcome our first new sponsor.

(A second Zabuza walks in)

Zabuza 2: Natural gas.

(A third Zabuza is hiding behind melons, laughing. A fourth pops up behind the produce section.)

Zabuza 4: It gives you ideas.

(More Zabuzas appear, including Zabuza in a trench coat, a la Matrix. All of the Zabuzas laugh evilly)

Kisame: SHUT UP!