Title: Top Ten Ways For a Human to Romance a Vulcan

Author: JayBee-Bug

Rating: G/K

A/N: Please note this is not a 'humorous list', it just appears to take the same format. This was inspired by a great little story by T'Aaneli, 'Romancing the Vulcan,' which can be found at Farfalla's All-Ages Kirk/Spock Archive. I highly recommend it.

Top Ten Ways For a Human to Romance a Vulcan

10.) Be gentle. If nothing else, please do be gentle. It's frighteningly easy to scare off one of these people. Human beings and most other emotionally-driven races come off as very strong and intimidating, on the overall. They seem grossly heavy-handed to the delicate sensibilities of this culture; noisy, rude, messy, awkward, and in summary, baroque. Of course, there's nothing you can do about your own human nature, and you certainly shouldn't change yourself for somebody else. It's simply a handy thing to keep in mind.

9.) Gestures of affection and tokens of appreciation are useful. Vulcans are creatures of subtlety and thus will be able to recognize the varying levels of meaning such gestures and gifts can convey, but they will most likely resist such interpretations, at least at first-- and focus only on the surface-most meaning. They will try and remain as professional and impersonal about such matters as possible, and grant no validity to the deeper message. You will need to push your point.

8.) Appeal to their intellect. They say the way to a man's heart is through his stomach; if that is true, then the way to a Vulcan's heart is through his brain. If you can stimulate them mentally, provide one exciting challenge after another, then the stimulation you've provided shall reverberate within them. For surely there is no finer thing in life then intellectual pursuits, from a Vulcan point of view. It is the ultimate facet of their existence.

7.) Keep them guessing. Vulcans have a sort of love-hate relationship with surprises; on the one hand, they dislike being proven wrong and being caught off guard, but on the other hand, they're absolutely fascinated when something unexpected occurs and with patterns that are difficult to predict. You want to stay enough of a mystery by coming up with novel, fresh approaches, but not become so terribly erratic and illogical in your behavior that they simply throw up their hands and will have nothing more to do with you.

6.) Don't let them sell themselves short, and don't let them rain on your parade. Generally speaking Vulcans take modesty to an extreme. This is not an attempt on their part to be overly virtuous; rather, it is an expression of their sense of caution. They would much rather error on the side of caution than the side of risk, and this can lead to a tendency towards underestimating themselves, their achievements and their strengths. Their reluctance to take even marginal risks or look on the bright side of things can easily be mistaken for pessimism, but really it's better thought of as a calculated bias towards a scientific type of caution. Don't let it drag you down, and don't let it drag them down, either.

Of course not all Vulcans have a problem with extreme modesty. Many, in fact, might be called egomaniacs, with a superiority complex lurking right beneath the surface. If you suspect your Vulcan company of having a healthy or overly-healthy sense of ego, then by all means, don't serve to further feed it. Reserve your praise and reassurances for when you know they're truly selling themselves short, and otherwise keep your mouth shut, because there's little worse then a Vulcan with an overfed ego.

Pessimism is best combated with optimism. In truth, both can be considered realistic, and that is the element that will bridge the gap between the two and hopefully drag your charge to your more cheerful side of the woods; the facts on which everything is grounded. It's no more realistic to expect a negative result than a positive one when faced with limited data and unpredictable outcomes, and it's up to you, as the human with bountiful enthusiasm, to get them to open their minds to all of the possibilities and, if not become hopeful, at least not dismiss the chances that things will still turn out OK at the end of the day.

5.) Allow them their breathing room, but don't back off entirely. They are private, independent beings with a need for quiet time and a large zone of personal space, but that doesn't mean you should allow them to retreat entirely into their own lairs and never see the light of day. Contrary to popular belief, a little socializing doesn't hurt, though they may behave as much. While Vulcans are often at their most content when alone and pondering the mysteries of the universe, they still do require a certain level of outside contact, like all sentient beings. Hopefully you will become their primary means of outside contact, if all goes well.

4.) Be willing to meet them halfway-- reciprocity is a beautiful thing. You'd be amazed at what you can convince a Vulcan to willingly participate in if you're polite, gentle, persistent and able to give out as much as you ask for in return. There are a lot of barriers between humans and Vulcans, and crossing them will be made all the more easier when both sides are interested and eager to learn from one another. Such support is mutually beneficial and even the coldest of Vulcan minds and hearts can see the inherent good in that arrangement.

3.) Patience is not only a virtue, it's a downright necessity when it comes to wooing one of the most illusive and reclusive life forms of the galaxy. You're going to make progress in fits and starts, and it won't always be possible to judge progress, period. You'll learn to measure 'progress' in unusual ways, and they certainly aren't going to match up to human standards. We're talking about a need for a long-term game plan, and the ability to look at the bigger picture-- the much bigger picture. Despite the difficulties inherent in this process, you may find the pursuit to be one of the most rewarding experiences of your life.

2.) Try not to invent what simply isn't there; don't anthropomorphize the Vulcan. Instead of searching for signs of what you expect or hope for, conduct your exploration with an open mind and an open heart, willing to analyze and try to understand what's truly there, rather than garnering support for proving your theories. The Vulcan heart's alien landscape is not something to be conquered; it's something to be studied, appreciated, admired, and, if you enjoy the scenery, perhaps even something to move into, where you can learn to live in harmony with its nature.

1.) Vulcans have feelings, too. Oh, they'll deny it until the cows come home, being masters of self-deception, but make no mistake, there is a heart buried down there under all that rich, complex, carefully crafted logic. They may not always-- okay, they may not usually-- be aware of them, but just because somebody isn't consciously experiencing their emotions doesn't mean they don't exist. And it doesn't mean that emotions do not, from time to time, affect them.

I suspect that you will find, however, that the obsessive hunt for glimpses of Vulcan emotions is an often fruitless search, and will eventually become irrelevant in your relationship. What matters is not whether a thing stems from the heart or the mind; what matters more is emotions or not, Vulcans are affected by the world around them, and should be treated with the same amount of respect and care as any person deserves. Quibbling over what to call a thing, may it be fondness or love, satisfaction or joy, dissatisfaction or sadness, is not so very important. They are similar enough in spirit that they can be recognized. That is not to say that Vulcans experience the world the same way that humans do, but there are universals of experience that can unite all sentient beings. I think you will find that as much as you differ from your Vulcan companion, you also share as much in common.