All, That Could Have Been
Disclaimer: I own nothing...
This takes place in season 4. post "Die Jerk". The diner scene in "It Should Have Been Lorelai" made me wonder what would have happened if Lorelai gave a similar speech to Luke as she did to Christopher. I was also inspired by Amanda Marshall's song "I'll be okay", which is where I stole the title from.
Thanks to Angela for the great beta.
It had started when Lorelai had finally achieved a comfortable, happy life with her daughter. She strived not to let anything happen to change their life. This was true for all kinds of changes - the good ones and the bad ones. Even with what seemed to be a change for the better, the possibility of things changing in the wrong direction frightened her more than she would admit.
Once Lorelai was offered a much higher-paying position in an office in a nearby town that was much better than her job at the inn. Though the money certainly would have improved her financial situation, her shifts would have been longer, and she was afraid that she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with Rory. She turned the offer down.
Then there was Christopher. Christopher had proposed to her so many times that she had stopped counting. It was always, "I love you, Lor. Marry me. Let us be family. " She would stop him with "Chris, you're barely able to take care of yourself. Do you honestly think you're capable of dealing with this kind of responsibility?" He never had an answer to that.
Lorelai liked the stability of her life in Stars Hollow, the patterns and relationships that she and Rory had established. Especially her friendship with Luke. Luke was always there for her, consistently. She liked that. She also liked the possibility of more. Of becoming more than friends – as long as it remained a possibility, nothing more or less. She had never acted upon any desire to change their relationship. But overnight, the possibility of more disappeared.
Actually the change didn't occur overnight. It had started before Lorelai had even realized it, and things had changed, before she could even protest. It was Nicole.
"We got married."
"You got married? How could you get married?"
Not enough that they were back together, but they had even called off the divorce. They were sort of dating. A married couple dating – ridiculous and wrong on so many levels.
Married.
Since that night on her lawn, whenever someone said the word she was instantly reminded of Luke's current situation. And it was not like anyone actually had to say the m-word anymore. Sometimes she just had to think about relationships, her friends, life, love. Lately every train of thought brought her back to the one topic she really did not want to think about. And their fight in the diner today didn't really help.
Married.
She sighed and grabbed the remote from the coffee table. There simply must be something on TV to distract her. After flipping through a number of sports and news channels she finally found a movie. Cameron Diaz and Julia Roberts were in a scene together, and Julia Roberts was trying on a bridesmaid dress. She had seen this movie before, definitely.
She was considering changing the channel and checked the TV Guide for the title...and cringed. My Best Friend's Wedding.
As much as she wanted to change the channel, somehow her hand wouldn't move, and her eyes were fixed to the screen. When the credits started to roll, she realized that she had watched the whole movie without moving an inch. Her neck felt stiff. It was time to get some sleep. Maybe sleep would help her forget about Luke's love life. Maybe a hot dream of James Hetfield. The last one had been months ago, and she wouldn't object to a continuation of their lagoon encounter.
As soon as the sunlight woke her the next day, she knew two things: She had barely slept two hours, and she had to talk to Luke.
Lorelai sat at the counter drumming her fingers for almost half an hour, and yet there was no sign of Luke. Where was he? All Lane could tell her was that he had asked her to cover for the evening. She wondered if people were starting to notice that she was kind of nervous, so she scanned the diner really quickly. No one seemed to be aware of her, so she turned back around and kept waiting. Where was he?
Actually she didn't really want to know where he was or what he was doing (she could certainly imagine) - she just wanted him to be here, like he always used to be. She checked the clock again, probably for the millionth time that evening. But the time didn't move any faster.
Another half an hour and five cups of coffee later, trying to analyze where Nicole could have taken him - in order to keep him away from the diner and subsequently Lorelai - she was still sitting in the exact same
spot at the counter. Only three other costumers and Lane kept her company.
"Okay, I'm probably gonna regret this later, but...are you okay?" She hadn't realized that Lane had approached her until she spoke.
"Sure. Why wouldn't I be?"
"Cause you're acting weird tonight."
"Weird, huh?"
"Well, not weird weird. Just weird in the sense that you usually behave differently."
"So?" There was no real reaction and Lane got the cue.
"So, I'm gonna leave you alone." Before Lorelai could even blink Lane had disappeared again.
Another customer was leaving. Maybe she should leave, too. She felt pathetic -- sitting in a diner for over an hour, waiting for a man that wasn't even single. Oh my god! That was the first time she
realized what she was doing or what she was about to do. Now she had to leave.
She was already rummaging through her wallet when the bell rang. Turning around was not an option, and leaving the diner without turning would probably end badly. Maybe it wasn't even Luke. Maybe it was Kirk.
"Hey." It wasn't Kirk.
She turned around with a big fake smile on her face, trying to act casual. "Hey." At least he was alone.
"You're leaving?"
She glanced down at her wallet and felt caught. "Oh no, I was just checking whether or not I can afford another cup of coffee." She paused and exclaimed a joyful, "I can!"
God, she was nervous. Was she shaking? She put the wallet back in her purse, noticing that she was definitely shaking. Probably the caffeine.
"Hey Lane, I'll take it from here. Go home!" Luke had rounded the corner and was standing in front of her. Lane couldn't leave. She couldn't be alone with Luke. Not today. Lane had been right. She just wasn't herself tonight.
"Okay, boss." Lane got the last table to pay, then stepped behind the counter to get her stuff. The young couple were putting on their coats, preparing to leave. Lorelai had to do something.
"You know, I can make coffee at my place. I don't want to keep you up."
"You aren't. I'm not even tired yet."
Lane was heading for the door: "Bye." It closed once, opened and closed a second time behind the couple.
They were alone. He poured her coffee.
"Look, I'm sorry about yesterday." Lorelai had no idea what he was talking about.
"Yesterday?"
"I should have told you about Nicole."
"Oh, Okay." He took in her facial expression to see if she was really okay with this. She looked nervous.
"You're sure?"
"Yeah." There was an awkward pause. "I mean... In fact, I think it's great."
"What's great?" He was slightly amused by her behavior. She was nervously shifting in her seet and fumbling with her purse.
"That thing with Nicole. That you're trying to be happy with her. I mean..." Her speech came to an abrupt halt when she realized what her hands were doing. Trying hard to keep them still, she continued, "...there was a time when I felt like Julia Roberts..."
"Why Julia Roberts?"
"Well, Julia Roberts, like in My Best Friend's Wedding. It's just that, I thought that there could be something between us – I think that crazy idea had always been at the back of my mind. But now it's gone, finally left the building. And I'm over it, if there was anything to get over, I'm definitely over it." Maybe she was...
"Over what?"
"Nothing. I just want you to know that I'm happy for you and Nicole and that you... you should be happy."
She was acting completely crazy. And although that wasn't particularly remarkable to him, something about her rant was.
"...cause I just want you to be happy." A huge burden had suddenly disappeared from her shoulders. She felt relaxed, of course she was still awaiting some kind of reaction from Luke but her nervousness was blown away.
"Can I have a Muffin, please? Blueberry," She asked cheery.
But he wasn't even moving. That was when she became aware of the way Luke was staring at her as if someone had just told him that wearing your baseball cap backwards was totally out of style.
"Luke?"
She tried again: "Luke?"
"Did you just say that you had feelings for me?"
"Oh, no no no! I'm the fungus that feeds on pond scum," she said under her breath. Looking down at her hands, she wanted to bang her head against a wall. Hard.
He was shaking his head slightly, staring in the air. He knew what she had said.
It was unbelievable. Unbelievable that after all these years she would come here and tell him. All this time she... All these missed chances...
"Three years ago. That night we picked out paint samples I wanted to kiss you. But I didn't," he blurted out.
"What?"
"Uh, nothing," he stammered, already regretting what he had just confessed. Unfortunately she picked this moment to look at him. It was one of this Lorelai patented I-can-read-your-mind looks. And he knew that she knew what he had said.
"Why didn't you?" She was still looking at him, her eyes sparkling in the dimmed light. Why was she still looking at him?
"I..." He couldn't take it anymore and glanced down at his shoes.
"Why didn't you ask me out?"
"Lorelai!" She was pushing it and she knew it. She had crossed that line. The thin line between friendship and love they had never deliberately crossed until this evening. He couldn't do this. He couldn't be like her. He couldn't just throw all caution to the wind, risking everything.
"Luke! I asked you..." Then he interrupted her.
"It's more complicated than that."
"More complicated than that thing with Nicole. Getting married. Divorced. Not divorced. Dating? What a story, J.J. Abrams" She wanted to laugh, but had to choke at the same time, so it came out as a snort. He ignored it.
"You don't understand..."
"Because it is hard to understand."
"It's life."
"Your life."
That was enough. She was definitely pushing it too far. "You're right it is my life. And I make the decisions. Maybe this seems wrong to you, but it's the logical thing to do."
"Logical? Love shouldn't be logical."
"I didn't mean it that way! You don't understand." He gave up. She wasn't listening to him. She wasn't even trying.
"No, I don't." Her voice was soft and calm. He was totally taken aback by her response. It was one of those very few times, when he really wished to understand what was going on in her head - most of the time he didn't even want to know - but today was different. Today she was different, and today could change their relationship in many dangerous ways.
He couldn't think of anything to say. So he decided better not to say anything than saying something wrong.
Silence.
"I would have said yes." It was barely a whisper, yet her voice startled him. He didn't immediately follow, but when he did, he could only stare at her.
She picked up her purse, avoided looking at him and turned away.
"I'm sorry." And he was. Sorry, for not taking the chance then. Sorry, because he did not know how to deal with this situation, how to make things right again. His role had always been to fix other people's problems. Now he was the one who caused a problem, and it seemed so enormous that there was no way to fix it.
"It's too late." The door closed after her and he was left there standing in the diner, staring after her. He should call Nicole. He had promised her to call as soon as he had closed up.
The End.