- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
T h e O u t t a k e s
scenes that we just couldn't squeeze into the story.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Cut Sailor Hellblazer Scenes
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"HELLFIRE POWER, MAKE UP!"
Gemma spun in the air for a moment, energy and wind swirling
around her.
Suddenly, her clothes disappeared.
"AAH! BLOODY HELL!"
Fortunately, a moment later, another set of clothes
appeared, an ebony sailor fuku topped by a brown trenchcoat.
The swirling bit settled down at last, and Sailor Hellblazer
the Second stood.
"That was nifty," she muttered to herself, "but the nudity
bit has GOT to go."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cheryl, Gemma, and John sat at the breakfast table, an
uncomfortable silence covering the room.
"So," said Cheryl, the iciness in her voice very apparent,
"my little girl's doing magic now, eh?"
John nodded, grinning sheepishly. Gemma couldn't bring
herself to look her mother in the eye.
"And she's calling herself... Sailor Hellblazer... eh?"
asked Cheryl, anger creeping into her voice.
Again, John nodded.
Cheryl put a hand on Gemma's shoulder. "Gemma, you're
determined to see this thing through?"
Still not looking up, Gemma nodded silently.
Cheryl sighed.
"Alright then. Gemma, you're a grown woman now. I expect
you to be intelligent and mature about this. John, I expect
you to make sure Gemma does things the right way, even
though YOU couldn't manage that yourself."
John winced.
"Gemma," said Cheryl. "Stand up. Look at me."
Gemma stood slowly and reluctantly, and then was surprised
when her mother gave her a tight hug.
"You be careful now, you hear?" Cheryl said. "And John...
stand up."
John stood up...
Cheryl kneed him in the groin.
"Aaagh!"
"If anything happens to my little girl, it's your arse in
the fire!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WRITER'S NOTE: This bit is, imho, the natural
progression of the Sailor Hellblazer Storyline,
but one that me'n David had a bit of a disagreement
on. Still, if I ever do any stories of Crystal
Tokyo (WHICH IS NOT BLOODY LIKELY) or if anyone
ever asks whatever became of Gemma during the
Black Moon Crisis, well....
-rod m.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A thousand years into the future...
The Dark Kingdom was dead.
Or so it was thought.
Ever since the downfall of Queen Beryl and Metallia, a
thousand years ago, the Sailor Senshi had hardly given the
place a thought. Surely, without a strong leader, the dark
dimension was no longer a menace.
They had not considered the possibility that a new queen
would arise.
The advisors of the court of the Queen had warned them of a
new Dark Kingdom. There were signs in the stars and in
their visions, something was afoot in that forbidden world.
With that in mind, Sailor Venus opened a gateway to the Dark
Kingdom, setting out on a reconnaissance mission to scout
what its people were up to.
In disguise and keeping a low profile, she traveled across
that world, hearing talk of a new leader, and how she'd used
negociations, trickery, and brute force to bring the many
armies of the Dark Kingdom under a unified rulership.
But they dared not speak her name.
Days passed, and Venus made her way to the newly erected
Dark Palace. It was a breathtaking sight, majestic spires
and walkways rising up into the eternally dark sky.
The courtyard was filled with cheering crowds of youma,
tossing confetti and in a generally festive mood. The
occasion seemed to be the final treaty unifying all of the
Dark Kingdom, and the coronation of the first queen since
Beryl.
A line of guards marched out, standing before the grand
doorway of the castle. Nearby, musicians raised their
trumplets and blew, settling the crowd down to full
attention.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..."
The grand doors of the palace opened slowly. A lone figure
stepped out, clad in majestic, flowing, and ebony robes.
"PRESENTING HER ROYAL MAJESTY..."
Venus gasped in surprise. It all made sense now, and
answered many questions. The more she thought about it, the
more it seemed that they should have seen it coming.
She always was connected to the Dark Kingdom, even in the
days of the Silver Millenium.
And now Venus knew where she dissappeared to all those
hundreds of years ago. The only question now was if she was
friend...
"QUEEN GEMMA THE FIRST, RULER OF THE DARK KINGDOM!"
... or foe?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Dammit, Gemma, you've GOT to move faster!" chastised John.
"Those demons'll have a tentacle up yer arse in seconds if
you don't do better!"
Gemma, in her Sailor Hellblazer identity, panted and
wheezed, glaring balefully at John.
"I'd *wheeze* like t'see YOU do better!" she said, giving
him a jabing poke with her transformation wand.
-POOF-
Gemma stared.
John stared.
Gemma was still in a sailor fuku.
But now, so was John. And he was a she. Again.
"Oops."
"GEEEEEMMAAAAAAA!!!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
John Constantine: Hellblazer
Sailor Moon
sailor hellblazer 2
double the fuku!
double the fun!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Hey, what's this?" Chas reached down to pick up the
cylindrical object on the floor of his cab.
-POOF-
- - -
"John! Mate, y'gota help me!"
"Bugger me, Chas, is that you?!"
"Yeah, John, s'me! I dunno what happened, but-"
"Yeah, I know, you saw this cylindrical bit and picked it
up, right?"
"Yeah! That's it exactly!"
John chuckled to himself. "Christ, Chas, you make one
arse-ugly woman."
"CONSTANTINE!"
"Just kidding! Heheh... Sailor Cabbie... HAHAHAHA-"
*POW*
- - -
"Well? What's haunting me closet?" asked Sailor Cabbie.
John opened and closed his mouth for a moment, somewhat
speechless. Finally, he spoke.
"Chas, mate, you remember the monkey?"
Chas blinked. "Monkey?"
"*AHEM* Anal probe *COUGH*COUGH*."
"DON'T BRING THAT UP!"
"I have to, Chas, ol' boy. 'Cause the monkey's ghost is
back, and it's lookin' lonely."
Chas turned pale with horror. "John! What'll I do?!"
"Dunno 'bout you, mate, but I'm outta here."
Gemma whapped John's shoulder. "Uncle John! Shame on you!"
Within the house, a seductive 'ooooook' echoed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
John Constantine: Hellblazer
Sailor Moon
sailor hellblazer 3
Three times the fuku!
Three times the fun!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Alternate futures: what if John was stuck with being
Sailor Hellblazer? A trip to Japan would be in order to
acquaint himself with his fellow Sailor Senshi...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A sailor senshi riding a subway system was something not
usually done. But, given that John was stuck as a sailor
senshi, she didn't have much choice in the matter.
She took a moment to despise her companions, Minako and
Setsuna. THEY were able to change back into their civvies.
John Constantine didn't like Japan.
The beer tasted funny, the fish wasn't cooked, and he didn't
speek the language either.
Though strangely, that didn't seem to be a problem.
"Oi, Setsuna."
"Yes?"
"Everyone 'round me IS talking in japanese, right?"
"Yes."
"Then why can I understand'em just fine?"
"It's a senshi thing," she said flatly.
"Oh. Keen."
- - -
It was a nice, isolated park, which was good. Because the
people occupying it needed the privacy.
The assembled Sailor Senshi, the _entire_ crew, from toddler
Chibi-Chibi to the transsexual Sailor Starlights, had
assembled for a reunion of sorts.
There was no great threat from beyond, or any sort of
crisis.
Usagi just thought it'd be nice.
"Where's Minako and Setsuna? They're late!" she pouted.
"I heard they were in England on business or something,"
said Haruka.
Suddenly, a dark portal formed over Usagi's head.
"Hey! Wha-"
And before she could move out of the way, three sailor
senshi from it, head first.
-thud- "Ouch."
-thud- "Ow!"
-thud- "Ow! Goddamn it! Shit! Owowow!"
And of course, they fell right on top of Usagi.
"Owiiieee!"
"Dammit, Constantine," growled Venus. "You've GOT to work
on the LANDINGS!"
"Shut up, I'm new at this!" barked an unfamiliar voice.
"Dammit, my cig's crushed."
The collective Sailor Senshi blinked.
Chibi-Usa, the diminutive child with pink hair, scampered up
to the tangled pile of bodies and stared at the newcomer.
"Who're you?" she asked.
"John Constantine," said the woman.
"Why don'cha get up?" asked Chibi-Usa. "Setsuna an' Minako
got up."
"Because I think I hurt my back," said John flatly.
"You look a lot like Haruka," said Chibi-Usa, poking him in
the nose. "Doesn't he look like Haruka?"
John Constantine really hated Japan.
- - -
"So you three are the Sailor Starlights, eh?" asked John as
she eyed them warily.
"Mm-hm," said one, nodding enthusiastically.
"Lemme ask you... when you're in y'civvies... male or
female?"
"Male," answered another of them.
"Ah, so Gaffo was right," said John. "Lemme ask, just what
in God's name is a 'Gentle Uterus' attack?!"
One of them blushed, leaned forward and told him. John's
eyes widened in shock.
"Oh... bloody'ell."
- - -
Nobody knew what started the argument between Sailor Uranus
and Sailor Hellblazer, but there it was.
Pluto sighed. She should have seen it coming, since John
could be nastily abrasive, and Haruka wasn't exactly the
model of kindness and patience herself.
"OH YEAH?!" bellowed Uranus.
"YEAH!" snarled John.
"Dear, please calm down," said Michiru.
"ISSAT SO?!" roared Uranus. "YOU SHIT-HEADED GUTLESS
COWARD!"
"What started this?" asked Ami.
"I'm not sure," said Minako, "but I think it was something
about soccer."
"Ah, soccer hooligans," replied Ami.
"OH YEAH?!" yelled John. "AT LEAST I'M NOT SAILOR
ARSEHOLE!"
"WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"Oooooh, Constantine used THAT joke," said Makoto, wincing.
"Haruka HATES that joke."
"What joke?" asked Usagi.
"Uranus," said Makoto. "Your anus, Uranus. Get it?"
"Oooh."
"Oh my," said Setsuna. "I've never seen Uranus this mad
before."
"THAT'S IT! YOU DIE!"
[[insert chaotic scenes of violence here]]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The infamous John Constantine was in a very foul mood.
He was still stuck in that ridiculous, skimpy-dressed
_FEMALE_ form.
Sighing, he... er, she sulked out of bed, grumbling. She
briefly considered taking a shower...
No. No way.
She... HE wasn't a pervert.
Right. Then. A cup of coffee.
- - -
Ahh, coffee.
John sighed, as he grumpily sat, drinking coffee.
A hand emerged from his cup and shoved his face away. Hot
coffee spilled onto his lap.
"Aw, shite!"
A cheerful, happy voice called out, "Careful, John!" as she
emerged from the cup.
John jumped up and danced a bit, shaking hot coffee from her
lap. Damn short skirts! "Effin' sh..."! He looked up and
paused in mid-curse as a young girl stepped out of his tea.
The girl was brunette, and had triangular markings on her
face, and was carrying a big mallet. Oh, no...
Skuld exclaimed, "Hello John!" in a cheerful happy tone,
then froze, her eyes growing big. "Er... HEY! Who're you?!
Where's John?! And why are you wearing his clothes?!"
"Skuld, dearie, calm down now..."
Skuld's imagination ran wild. What would this girl be doing
in John's clothes, in his house, having breakfast, unless...
OH NO.
"Aaah! You didn't!!!" Skuld screamed.
"Eh? What?"
"YOU! AND JOHN! YOU! HE! YOU DIDN'T! WAAAAH!" With
tears in her eyes, Skuld dove back into the cup of coffee.
She also splashed John on the way out.
"So, it's going to be one of _those_ days, is it?"
- - -
Later that day, in the pub run by the eternally jolly Lord
of the Dance...
"What's troubling you, child?"
Skuld stared into her mug of hot chocolate and sniffled.
"It's John," she said sadly. "He's... he's got a
girlfriend."
The Lord of the Dance 'ooh'ed sympathetically. "Aah, that's
right, you'd taken quite a fancy to John."
"That stupid hussy! What's he see in her?!"
He patted her on the shoulder. "There now, child. Isn't
John a bit... I don't know... too old for you? Perhaps you
should look elsewhere, maybe the lad Tim Hu-"
"I don't WANT anyone else!" she pouted.
"There now lass, there'll be other days and other la..." He
thought the saying over, and decided to revise it for
younger ears. "other opportunities."
Skuld nodded numbly in response.
The bell chimed as another customer walked in.
"Well speak of the devil," said the Lord of the Dance. "Hey
Johnny, how goes the search for a cure?"
"Not good, not good. Pour us some of that fancy wine inna
tin, eh?"
"Wine in a can? John, that's sick of you."
"I'm feeing sadistic."
Skuld sat upright, eye twitching. It was THAT voice, the
voice of THAT girl.
Wait a minute.
WHAT did the Lord of the Dance call her?!?!
"Hey, there you are, rugrat. You ran off before I could
explain," said the woman.
Skuld turned around and stared. Puzzle pieces were
beginning to snap together in her head, and the picture it
was making was one she didn't like.
Trenchcoat.
Cigarette.
Blond hair.
That's John.
Breasts.
That's not John.
No. Nononono.
"You're... aheh... John's sister?" asked Skuld with a
cracked smile.
"Skuld, I know this might be hard to believe..."
"John's niece, right? Or maybe his cousin?" suggested Skuld
desperately.
"Oh, I forgot," said the Lord of the Dance. "She hadn't
found out about THAT yet."
Skuld whirled around and grabbed the Lord of the Dance by
his shirt. "WHAT?!" she asked deliriously. "WHAT DON'T I
KNOW?!"
"Child, get a hold of yourself," he urged gently. "Skuld,
dear, John's undergone... some changes."
Skuld stared at him, then at the woman, then back and forth
a few more times.
Her stare finally stopped at the woman. "J-John?"
"Hi Skuld. You'll never believe what happened to me."
"WAAAAAAAAAAH! JOHN'S GAY AND HAD A SEX CHANGE OPERATION!"
Before anyone could comment further, Skuld leaped into her
hot chocolate and vanished.
"Oh my," said the Lord of the Dance.
"Actually, I suppose I'm technically a lesbian," mused John.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Somewhere in the wilds of New Orleans...
John, still female, wasn't in the mood for this. It wasn't
her time of month, it was that she utterly despised the
company.
"Right then, Stranger, what's this all about?"
The Phantom Stranger, the cloaked enigmatic figure that John
loathed to a sharp and fine degree, stepped forward from the
shadows.
"Your brothers in arms wish you to know that we sympathise
with your plight, and you do not stand alone in this
matter."
"So, you'll help me get back to normal?" asked John.
"Not exactly." The Phantom Stranger pulled a wand from his
trenchcoat and held it high.
"Oh shite, no," muttered John.
"SUPER STRANGER POWER, MAKE UP!"
There was a blazing, blinding flash of light. When it
settled down, The Phantom Stranger was... a woman. She was
clad in a white and grey sailor fuku, with a long and
flowing grey cloak around her. She also was still wearing
the hat.
"I am... Sailor Stranger!"
John threw her arms up in disgust. "Jesus, TELL me he's
kidding!"
"He is not, my friend, and neither am I," said Dr. Occult as
he stepped from the shadows. He held a transformation rod
as well and raised it high, yelling, "MYSTIC OCCULT POWER,
MAKE UP!"
"This is a bad dream," mumbled John. "I had too much kidney
pie and beer, and this is the result."
With a flash of light, Dr. Occult was gone, replaced by Rose
Spiritus, the woman whose soul was entwined with Dr.
Occult's.
She was wearing a sailor fuku as well.
"I am Sailor Occult!"
"Oh big deal," said John. "You turned into a woman BEFORE."
"Yes," said Rose, "but you must admit the sailor fuku looks
rather nice on me."
"Eh."
"I... too... am... a... part..."
"OH GOD! NOT HIM TOO!" yelled John, tossing her arms up in
the air once more.
"of... this..."
A nearby shrub suddenly had a burst of growth, forming a
large, humanoid monstrosity made of plant growth.
Swamp Thing, the earth elemental, had arrived.
Slowly, he raised a branch up high.
"And what," asked John, pointing at the branch, "is that
twig supposed to be?"
"My... transformation... wand."
John winced. He'd forgotten how wretchedly long Swamp Thing
took to say a simple sentence.
"PLANT... POWER..."
"He still takes forever to say one fuckin' sentence," whined
John. "Lemme guess, PLANT POWER, MAKE UP! Hurry up and say
it!"
"MAKE..."
"Up. Make up. C'mon c'mon c'mon."
"...UP!"
A large blinding light engulfed Swamp Thing.
It stayed that way for quite a while.
"I don't believe it," said John. "He's slow in EVERYTHING
he does!"
Finally, three cigarettes later, the light dimmed down,
revealing....
Swamp Thing. In a Sailor Fuku.
"I... am... Sailor... Green."
"WAHAHAHAAHAHA!"
An explosion of black smoke and brimfire interrupted his
laughter. The First of the Fallen stood before them,
looking at each one much like one would look at a roach.
"So, this is your new strategy against me, eh?" he asked.
"Yes," said John sarcastically. "Brilliant strategy at
that."
"Well, I can meet you on these terms as well," he said
smugly.
John blinked. "Terms? What the... no, he's not..."
"ETERNAL DAMNATION POWER, MAKE UP!"
*FWOOSH*
"I AM SAILOR FALLEN! IN THE NAME OF THE DAMNED, I'LL PUNISH
YOU!"
"This is getting ridiculous. If I hear one more..."
"So gone, gone o form of man... arise the Sailor Etrigan!"
called out another voice.
*poof* A yellow-skinned horned demon stood there. In a very
short Sailor fuku.
He had really ugly yellow knobby knees, too.
The cigarette finally dropped from John's mouth. "Okay,
that's it, I'm gone. See you lads later."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"I guess it's up to us, then," said Gemma.
An Asian girl in a black Chinese dress, a yin/yang symbol
decorating its front, nodded. "There's little time left. I
can feel Cth'U breaking through the fifth seal."
"Er, Ayako," said a thin British boy with large glasses. "I
still think we ought to try seeing if the Phantom Stranger
is in. Or maybe Zatanna, or maybe Dr. Occult. This is a bit
out of our league." He was promptly malleted from behind.
"Ow! What'd you do that for, Skuld?!"
"Stop whining, Hunter," growled the young Goddess. "John
wouldn't be caught dead whining like you."
"Oh, it's ALWAYS about John," said Tim, rolling his eyes.
"Well he's a better magus than YOU'LL ever be!" retaliated
Skuld sticking her tongue out.
"Tsk, lookit the two lovebirds," teased Gemma.
Tim and Skuld both blushed badly.
"We are NOT lovebirds!" they both yelled.
"Guess it's time to suit up for action," said Gemma, pulling
out her transformation wand. "HELLFIRE POWER, MAKE UP!"
Gemma Masters spun in the air for a moment, undergoing the
usual changes in attire that Sailor Senshi usually go
through.
This, of course, also involved a brief moment of nudity.
Gemma forgot that Tim Hunter was in the room.
Skuld didn't.
-WHAM-
"Don't look! Pervert!"
Ayako tsked. "Skuld, you reallly shouldn't beat up your
boyfriend like that."
"HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Gemma Masters: Sailor Hellblazer
Ayako Mano: Devil Hunter
Skuld: Goddess of the Future
Tim Hunter: "I'd rather be in London"
T h e J u n i o r
T r e n c h c o a t B r i g a d e
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Ditched Story Ideas
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Something was rotten in London, and it wasn't just
Parliament.
John had read about the recent archaeological discovery in
the basement of one of the local schools, and he'd seen some
photos of the site. The architecture, the heiroglyphics,
he'd seen them before.
There was magic in there, powerful magic, and those clumsy
clueless nutters might well set off the magical equivalent
to a nuke if they didn't watch their step.
That is... unless someone deactivated the bomb first.
- - -
With flashlight in hand, John explored the depths of the
archaeological dig with fascination. Some of the scenes
depicted before him were fairly understandable, something
about royal families and kingdoms and such, but one thing
held his attention the most: a large, looming eye.
Perhaps their god?
He shrugged and moved on, down further into the darkness,
and finally came upon a peculiar round chamber. The floors
were etched with thousands of symbols, all entirely alien to
John, and all spiraling from the center. At the far end of
the chamber, a large stone crypt sat upright, its face also
marked with the looming eye.
Curiousity got the better of him, and John ventured forth
across the room to get a better look at the crypt.
That was a mistake.
As he stepped across the middle of the room, blue threads of
light appeared everywhere, and a steady humming of power
filled the room.
"Damn."
The blue lines wavered and whipped about gently, some of
them caressing his face, others swirling around him. And
then they dissappeared.
The crypt at the end of the room opened with a hiss.
John tensed, ready to run.
The crypt opened to reveal... metal. That was odd, thought
John. The crypt was lined with shining metal and
fluorescent-esque lights.
That wasn't the most stunning part.
The beautiful albino girl within was.
She had long, flowing white hair, and was dressed in
strange, slightly arabic, mostly alien garb, that seemed
somewhat tattered. Her beauty was rather exotic... almost
elfin in appearance.
The girl's eyes opened slowly, and as their gazes met, she
smiled.
"It's you," she said with a weak yet happy voice.
John blinked. "Me?"
"I've waited," she said weakly as she walked to him. It
seemed as if she would collapse at any moment, and she did
just as she reached him.
Instinctively, John caught her in his arms. "Hey, easy
there girl, I'll get you some help. Just hold on."
"I've waited for so long," she said in a whispery voice.
"For ten thousand years, I've waited, dreaming of you."
"I think you've got me mistaken for someone else," said
John. "Easy now, just rest."
"No," she said. Beams of azure energy began to stream from
her, and John finally noticed he was slowly becoming
transparent.
"Oi! What the-"
"There's one last thing I must do. With the last of my
strength... I send you to El Hazard."
"Like Hell you will! I-"
-fwoosh-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
John Constantine: Hellblazer
El Hazard, the Magnificent World
El Hazard, the Bloody Friggin Magnificent World
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
For the first time in too long, all was wrong in Hell.
And the First of the Fallen was enjoying every bit of it.
He sat on his throne of bone, as giddy as a junior-level
succubus. His fingers danced lightly on its armrests, as
plans within plans began to firm in his inky-black soul.
With a madman's laugh, he called for some souls to torment,
to let his mind play for awhile.
The recent events with John Constantine had been fun;
indeed, he'd be hard pressed to remember when he'd had so
much laughter. Watching as ultra-masculine Constantine
pranced around in woman's guise... he hadn't enjoyed a
mortal's frailties in centuries. He wanted to feel that
laughter again... and he knew just how to do it.
He would not have Constantine's soul, he knew that. Soon,
he wouldn't need it.
- - -
John Constantine hated hangovers.
Celebrations he rarely had... wakes, though, were another
story. It had been five years to the day since he'd given
ol' Brendan Finn a back door to heaven and, in true fashion,
he'd decided to honor it as Brendan would've wanted it -
with a royal piss-fest. He didn't know how much liquor he'd
downed in the night; he lost count about halfway through...
He rubbed his eyes, and staggered to his feet. Right now,
what he needed more than anything was a nice cold shower to
shock him awake. His feet felt like lead as he made his way
to the loo; his head felt like it wasn't screwed on
straight.
So what else was new... he thought. He turned on the tap,
and let the cold water fill to the rim. He stopped before
he put his hands in; there was something... something about
last night... something he'd forgotten? That wasn't good;
he had far too many enemies to be forgetting *anything*.
Shrugging, he put his hands into the water, and splashed his
face.
He paused. Something was very wrong... he absently rubbed
his chin, as he struggled to find the truth beneath the fog.
He thought about it for a moment... that face looked very
familiar... where had he seen it before?
In a horrifying instant, it dawned on him. The trench was
there, the outfit was still there... but the body beneath
might as well be wearing a fuku. He poked his chest
experimentally.
Yep.
He was a girl again.
She paused for a moment to consider possible courses of
action. She could just get shit-faced drunk again and hope
that she change back to a guy during it... or she could go
to the one person responsible for the last time she found
herself as part of the tampon-wearing half of humanity.
"GEMMMMMAAAAAA!"
- - -
Deep in the bowels of Hell, the First of the Fallen was once
again snickering badly. He'd almost forgotten about those
dandy little cursed springs.
Fun, those.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hellblazer 1/2
(With thanks to Nicholas Leifker for this bit)
Coming NEVER to a newsgroup near you.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"They just appeared in me backyard, John! Little beasties
runnin' amock buildin' these weird structures all over the
place!" lamented Chas. "And with their evil bloody
chantin' and songs, it's drivin' me mad!"
John nodded, filing that information away. Probably gnomes,
or maybe the odder variety of poltergeist.
"Lead me to it, squire."
Chas opened the back yard door. What greeted John's eyes
was a lawn grown wild, with grass taller than most children.
"Hadn't mowed the lawn in a while, eh?"
"They go friggin' ballistic if they even sees a lawn mower,"
said Chas. "THey're right that way."
John nodded solemnly and pushed through the grass. Slowly,
carefully, he made his way through until he saw a clearing.
There were small houses there, about three inches tall.
Each one appeared to be made of... mushrooms... of some
sort.
And then he heard the music.
o/~ Tra-la la la-la-la o/~
And the helium-laden voices squeaking all over.
"Shite. Smurfs."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
John Constantine: Hellblazer
vs.
The Smurfs
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
In the Keep, where the rats lurk...
David ran up to Rod. "Hey! I've got an idea!"
Rod nodded. "Shoot. What's this idea?"
"See, while I was researching the cult of the Norns, I got this
damn kickass idea. Here, lemme sing... Oi, Wonkalot, help
me out here, willya?"
David sang, o/~ Beware, oh mighty lords, oh gods of the
heavens above, oh demons of hells below! / For Constantine,
John Constantine, he hath found the Hammer! / Whosoever holds
the hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of
Thor! o/~
Chris sang, o/~ I've messed with devils, angels, men / and
found that blokes, time and again, / fear few things more /
than loss of souls / than ending on / infernal coals / but
toss 'em pon / the bloody rack / the might of THOR'S / what
keeps 'em back / And now I'm stuck / with hammer dear / My
bloody luck / Jes disappear! o/~
David sang, o/~ I was a man, just a man. Just knew the
rules, I did / But when that hammer came, all o'sudden, I
was a friggin' pansy / Wings on my hat / Cape of red, long
flowing lock / Bugger it all to hell / I ain't no superhero
longjohn! o/~
Rod said, "Ah yes, Thor Constantine and his sidekick Skuld."
He paused a second, then added, "I ain't touching this one
with a 10 foot mallet."
Chris chimed in. o/~ Long John Silver was a PIRATE, see? / With
a peg leg, gun, and his mollies three / Now THERE was a
decent job, if strange / No pansy dress, no hair like mange
/ Why DOES *this* John now end up / with a faggety helmet /
and a steel C-cup? / I'd KILL the buggers who / messed up my
fate / 'Cept ONE'S the Future / an' I've soiled my cape.
o/~"
David struck a pose. o/~ I was a man, y'see / And now I'm a hero
bold! I hardly ever get sick at sea! o/~
Skuld popped out of a teapot, singing. o/~ Oh a blimey
right ol' bastard was Constantine / A righteous bastard was
he! / He'd just as soon screw his friends as look at 'em /
That bugger was one righteous dude / Magic spells and
illusions / Not for him, no / It was the knowledge that drew
him / And one fateful day / That was what drew him / To that
dark cave / He got the hammer / He got the power! / YAY YAY
YOU GO JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! o/~
Rod walked away. "I wash my hands of this."
----------------
Thor Constantine: The Musicial
---------------
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Writer's Notes, by David Tai
or, 'f u cn rd ths ur crzy'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Rod's spelling sucks.
Royally.
Painfully.
Not to mention missing some words in his sentences.
If you ever want to play editor...
and want a challenge...
Talk to Rod M.
Having said that...
Sailor Hellblazer is all Mike Loader's fault. He brought it
up at that place called the Keep. On Kawaiimuck, back when
we were discussing, Rod and I, how to complete "Dire Fates",
a John Constantine:Hellblazer/ Oh My Goddess crossover
series.
I promptly forgot all about this while working on "Mortal
Fates", the sequel to Dire Fates. But Rod never forgot,
that squirrely bugger. When we got stalled on Mortal Fates,
Rod cast about for something to liven the mood... and
decided Sailor Hellblazer would do, just because he couldn't
get it out of his mind.
What was I to do, but tag along for THIS ride, just like
Chas to John? *grumble*
Oh. The Keep. Right. All the names in the Keep are based
on the people who frequent the real Keep.
Mikey = the infamous Mike Loader himself. Gaffo = Sean
Gaffney. Wonker/Wonkalot = Chris Willmore Birdy = Nicholas
Leifker Tommy = Thom "White Wolf" Youngblood Jamie = James
"Zen" Batesman Scriv = The Scriviner
Take a wild guess who Roddy and Davey are.
Right, then.
Will finish up Mortal Fates real soon, promise!
-David Tai
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Writer's Notes, by Rod M.
or, 'what on earth was I thinking?!'
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Let me make this clear right now.
I hate Sailor Moon.
My sincere apologies to anyone that may be offended
by that statement, but them's the facts.
Now then...
It began as a bit of a joke between fellow writer Mike
Loader, 'Dire Fates' co-writer David Tai, and myself, as we
talked about other stuff that our favorite chain-smoking bad
boy of the occult, John Constantine, could possibly cross
over into as far as anime is concerned.
Sailor Moon was mentioned in passing, and we all pretty much
scoffed at the idea.
Sailor Moon is, in case you're not familiar, the most
dominant show of the 'magical girl' genre, where school
girls somehow obtain magic powers, run around in souped up
schoolgirl outfits (i.e. 'sailor fukus'), and do battle
against demonic forces almost always in the name of love.
The very concept makes me ill. Can you say sugar overdose?
But... as the months passed by, there was this nagging voice
at the back my head, the same bastard that probably
whispered 'build it and they will come' in Kevin Costner's
'Field of Dreams'.
Aaaanyway, this thing had comedy potential. Lots of comedy
potential. It began to nag at me, very much so, and so I
sat down and began to hash plot.
And sonovagun, I managed to have lots of comedy, AND a plot
that worked pretty well too. Hell, I'm surprised by how
well it turned out.
By the way, you've got 'White Wolf', yet another frequent
anime fanfic writer, to blame for the plot. If it weren't
for him, I wouldn't have one.
For Your Information...
- No, it's never explained WHERE the magic transformation
rods come from. They just appear.
- In the general Magical Girl genre, heck, in anime
in general, it's the standard for a character to yell
out a nifty little name for their attack just as they
do it.
- In the Magical Girl Genre, the attack is usually stupidly
cute. There are exceptions, but the cutesy attacks
dominate.
- Yes, there is a 'Gentle Uterus Attack'. Damned if I know
exactly what it does, and I don't think I wanna know
either.
I had to do a lot of Sailor Moon research to get this
bastard of a story done, and let me tell you it wasn't
entirely pleasant at all. At the anime rental shop I
frequent, I asked if they just happend to have any sailor
moon for rent. Now, the guy over there is my buddy, he
knows what I like and don't like, and he gave me this look
that said 'I know I didn't hear you just ask that, so we're
gonna go on as if you didn't ask it, which you didn't'.
Frequent embarrassment? You got it.
There's nothing quite like an anime schoolgirl on your
monitor screen at work to get your co-workers wondering
about your sanity and sexual perversions.
But through it all, through the ridiculous cutsey sayings,
and ridiculous outfits (WHY a Sailor Fuku?!?!), and other
stuff (Why SAILOR?!?!), I found that Sailor Moon actually
had a pretty nifty premise behind it. The whole kingdom
thing, gotta admit it's a nice plot device.
But, damn it all, I still hate Sailor Moon.
Sailor Uranus, on the other hand, she's a babe.... ^_^
- Rod M.
M Productions: Stupid Crossovers done well.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
SUPPORTING CAST CHARACTER ANNOTATIONS
- Blathoxi, Demon Lord of Flatulence, appears in issue 3
of John Constantine: Hellblazer. He can also be found
in the first trade paperback, "Original Sins". If there's
a Demon Lord of Flatulence, is there also one for other
unhealthy bodily functions?
- The Lord of the Dance can be found in issue 49 of
John Constantine: Hellblazer. He is NOT the same
Lord of the Dance that prances about to Irish music.
- Cupid, Gangsta of Luv, can be found in issues 26 and 27 of
The Books of Magic.
- The Chas / monkey / anal probe incident can be found
in the pages of Hellblazer, issue 84, written by Jamie
Delano.
And you thought I made those up....
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
T h e O u t t a k e s
scenes that we just couldn't squeeze into the story.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Cut Sailor Hellblazer Scenes
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"HELLFIRE POWER, MAKE UP!"
Gemma spun in the air for a moment, energy and wind swirling
around her.
Suddenly, her clothes disappeared.
"AAH! BLOODY HELL!"
Fortunately, a moment later, another set of clothes
appeared, an ebony sailor fuku topped by a brown trenchcoat.
The swirling bit settled down at last, and Sailor Hellblazer
the Second stood.
"That was nifty," she muttered to herself, "but the nudity
bit has GOT to go."
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Cheryl, Gemma, and John sat at the breakfast table, an
uncomfortable silence covering the room.
"So," said Cheryl, the iciness in her voice very apparent,
"my little girl's doing magic now, eh?"
John nodded, grinning sheepishly. Gemma couldn't bring
herself to look her mother in the eye.
"And she's calling herself... Sailor Hellblazer... eh?"
asked Cheryl, anger creeping into her voice.
Again, John nodded.
Cheryl put a hand on Gemma's shoulder. "Gemma, you're
determined to see this thing through?"
Still not looking up, Gemma nodded silently.
Cheryl sighed.
"Alright then. Gemma, you're a grown woman now. I expect
you to be intelligent and mature about this. John, I expect
you to make sure Gemma does things the right way, even
though YOU couldn't manage that yourself."
John winced.
"Gemma," said Cheryl. "Stand up. Look at me."
Gemma stood slowly and reluctantly, and then was surprised
when her mother gave her a tight hug.
"You be careful now, you hear?" Cheryl said. "And John...
stand up."
John stood up...
Cheryl kneed him in the groin.
"Aaagh!"
"If anything happens to my little girl, it's your arse in
the fire!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
WRITER'S NOTE: This bit is, imho, the natural
progression of the Sailor Hellblazer Storyline,
but one that me'n David had a bit of a disagreement
on. Still, if I ever do any stories of Crystal
Tokyo (WHICH IS NOT BLOODY LIKELY) or if anyone
ever asks whatever became of Gemma during the
Black Moon Crisis, well....
-rod m.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A thousand years into the future...
The Dark Kingdom was dead.
Or so it was thought.
Ever since the downfall of Queen Beryl and Metallia, a
thousand years ago, the Sailor Senshi had hardly given the
place a thought. Surely, without a strong leader, the dark
dimension was no longer a menace.
They had not considered the possibility that a new queen
would arise.
The advisors of the court of the Queen had warned them of a
new Dark Kingdom. There were signs in the stars and in
their visions, something was afoot in that forbidden world.
With that in mind, Sailor Venus opened a gateway to the Dark
Kingdom, setting out on a reconnaissance mission to scout
what its people were up to.
In disguise and keeping a low profile, she traveled across
that world, hearing talk of a new leader, and how she'd used
negociations, trickery, and brute force to bring the many
armies of the Dark Kingdom under a unified rulership.
But they dared not speak her name.
Days passed, and Venus made her way to the newly erected
Dark Palace. It was a breathtaking sight, majestic spires
and walkways rising up into the eternally dark sky.
The courtyard was filled with cheering crowds of youma,
tossing confetti and in a generally festive mood. The
occasion seemed to be the final treaty unifying all of the
Dark Kingdom, and the coronation of the first queen since
Beryl.
A line of guards marched out, standing before the grand
doorway of the castle. Nearby, musicians raised their
trumplets and blew, settling the crowd down to full
attention.
"LADIES AND GENTLEMEN..."
The grand doors of the palace opened slowly. A lone figure
stepped out, clad in majestic, flowing, and ebony robes.
"PRESENTING HER ROYAL MAJESTY..."
Venus gasped in surprise. It all made sense now, and
answered many questions. The more she thought about it, the
more it seemed that they should have seen it coming.
She always was connected to the Dark Kingdom, even in the
days of the Silver Millenium.
And now Venus knew where she dissappeared to all those
hundreds of years ago. The only question now was if she was
friend...
"QUEEN GEMMA THE FIRST, RULER OF THE DARK KINGDOM!"
... or foe?
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Dammit, Gemma, you've GOT to move faster!" chastised John.
"Those demons'll have a tentacle up yer arse in seconds if
you don't do better!"
Gemma, in her Sailor Hellblazer identity, panted and
wheezed, glaring balefully at John.
"I'd *wheeze* like t'see YOU do better!" she said, giving
him a jabing poke with her transformation wand.
-POOF-
Gemma stared.
John stared.
Gemma was still in a sailor fuku.
But now, so was John. And he was a she. Again.
"Oops."
"GEEEEEMMAAAAAAA!!!"
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
John Constantine: Hellblazer
Sailor Moon
sailor hellblazer 2
double the fuku!
double the fun!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
"Hey, what's this?" Chas reached down to pick up the
cylindrical object on the floor of his cab.
-POOF-
- - -
"John! Mate, y'gota help me!"
"Bugger me, Chas, is that you?!"
"Yeah, John, s'me! I dunno what happened, but-"
"Yeah, I know, you saw this cylindrical bit and picked it
up, right?"
"Yeah! That's it exactly!"
John chuckled to himself. "Christ, Chas, you make one
arse-ugly woman."
"CONSTANTINE!"
"Just kidding! Heheh... Sailor Cabbie... HAHAHAHA-"
*POW*
- - -
"Well? What's haunting me closet?" asked Sailor Cabbie.
John opened and closed his mouth for a moment, somewhat
speechless. Finally, he spoke.
"Chas, mate, you remember the monkey?"
Chas blinked. "Monkey?"
"*AHEM* Anal probe *COUGH*COUGH*."
"DON'T BRING THAT UP!"
"I have to, Chas, ol' boy. 'Cause the monkey's ghost is
back, and it's lookin' lonely."
Chas turned pale with horror. "John! What'll I do?!"
"Dunno 'bout you, mate, but I'm outta here."
Gemma whapped John's shoulder. "Uncle John! Shame on you!"
Within the house, a seductive 'ooooook' echoed.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
John Constantine: Hellblazer
Sailor Moon
sailor hellblazer 3
Three times the fuku!
Three times the fun!
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Alternate futures: what if John was stuck with being
Sailor Hellblazer? A trip to Japan would be in order to
acquaint himself with his fellow Sailor Senshi...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
A sailor senshi riding a subway system was something not
usually done. But, given that John was stuck as a sailor
senshi, she didn't have much choice in the matter.
She took a moment to despise her companions, Minako and
Setsuna. THEY were able to change back into their civvies.
John Constantine didn't like Japan.
The beer tasted funny, the fish wasn't cooked, and he didn't
speek the language either.
Though strangely, that didn't seem to be a problem.
"Oi, Setsuna."
"Yes?"
"Everyone 'round me IS talking in japanese, right?"
"Yes."
"Then why can I understand'em just fine?"
"It's a senshi thing," she said flatly.
"Oh. Keen."
- - -
It was a nice, isolated park, which was good. Because the
people occupying it needed the privacy.
The assembled Sailor Senshi, the _entire_ crew, from toddler
Chibi-Chibi to the transsexual Sailor Starlights, had
assembled for a reunion of sorts.
There was no great threat from beyond, or any sort of
crisis.
Usagi just thought it'd be nice.
"Where's Minako and Setsuna? They're late!" she pouted.
"I heard they were in England on business or something,"
said Haruka.
Suddenly, a dark portal formed over Usagi's head.
"Hey! Wha-"
And before she could move out of the way, three sailor
senshi from it, head first.
-thud- "Ouch."
-thud- "Ow!"
-thud- "Ow! Goddamn it! Shit! Owowow!"
And of course, they fell right on top of Usagi.
"Owiiieee!"
"Dammit, Constantine," growled Venus. "You've GOT to work
on the LANDINGS!"
"Shut up, I'm new at this!" barked an unfamiliar voice.
"Dammit, my cig's crushed."
The collective Sailor Senshi blinked.
Chibi-Usa, the diminutive child with pink hair, scampered up
to the tangled pile of bodies and stared at the newcomer.
"Who're you?" she asked.
"John Constantine," said the woman.
"Why don'cha get up?" asked Chibi-Usa. "Setsuna an' Minako
got up."
"Because I think I hurt my back," said John flatly.
"You look a lot like Haruka," said Chibi-Usa, poking him in
the nose. "Doesn't he look like Haruka?"
John Constantine really hated Japan.
- - -
"So you three are the Sailor Starlights, eh?" asked John as
she eyed them warily.
"Mm-hm," said one, nodding enthusiastically.
"Lemme ask you... when you're in y'civvies... male or
female?"
"Male," answered another of them.
"Ah, so Gaffo was right," said John. "Lemme ask, just what
in God's name is a 'Gentle Uterus' attack?!"
One of them blushed, leaned forward and told him. John's
eyes widened in shock.
"Oh... bloody'ell."
- - -
Nobody knew what started the argument between Sailor Uranus
and Sailor Hellblazer, but there it was.
Pluto sighed. She should have seen it coming, since John
could be nastily abrasive, and Haruka wasn't exactly the
model of kindness and patience herself.
"OH YEAH?!" bellowed Uranus.
"YEAH!" snarled John.
"Dear, please calm down," said Michiru.
"ISSAT SO?!" roared Uranus. "YOU SHIT-HEADED GUTLESS
COWARD!"
"What started this?" asked Ami.
"I'm not sure," said Minako, "but I think it was something
about soccer."
"Ah, soccer hooligans," replied Ami.
"OH YEAH?!" yelled John. "AT LEAST I'M NOT SAILOR
ARSEHOLE!"
"WHAT?! WHAT DID YOU SAY?!"
"Oooooh, Constantine used THAT joke," said Makoto, wincing.
"Haruka HATES that joke."
"What joke?" asked Usagi.
"Uranus," said Makoto. "Your anus, Uranus. Get it?"
"Oooh."
"Oh my," said Setsuna. "I've never seen Uranus this mad
before."
"THAT'S IT! YOU DIE!"
[[insert chaotic scenes of violence here]]
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The infamous John Constantine was in a very foul mood.
He was still stuck in that ridiculous, skimpy-dressed
_FEMALE_ form.
Sighing, he... er, she sulked out of bed, grumbling. She
briefly considered taking a shower...
No. No way.
She... HE wasn't a pervert.
Right. Then. A cup of coffee.
- - -
Ahh, coffee.
John sighed, as he grumpily sat, drinking coffee.
A hand emerged from his cup and shoved his face away. Hot
coffee spilled onto his lap.
"Aw, shite!"
A cheerful, happy voice called out, "Careful, John!" as she
emerged from the cup.
John jumped up and danced a bit, shaking hot coffee from her
lap. Damn short skirts! "Effin' sh..."! He looked up and
paused in mid-curse as a young girl stepped out of his tea.
The girl was brunette, and had triangular markings on her
face, and was carrying a big mallet. Oh, no...
Skuld exclaimed, "Hello John!" in a cheerful happy tone,
then froze, her eyes growing big. "Er... HEY! Who're you?!
Where's John?! And why are you wearing his clothes?!"
"Skuld, dearie, calm down now..."
Skuld's imagination ran wild. What would this girl be doing
in John's clothes, in his house, having breakfast, unless...
OH NO.
"Aaah! You didn't!!!" Skuld screamed.
"Eh? What?"
"YOU! AND JOHN! YOU! HE! YOU DIDN'T! WAAAAH!" With
tears in her eyes, Skuld dove back into the cup of coffee.
She also splashed John on the way out.
"So, it's going to be one of _those_ days, is it?"
- - -
Later that day, in the pub run by the eternally jolly Lord
of the Dance...
"What's troubling you, child?"
Skuld stared into her mug of hot chocolate and sniffled.
"It's John," she said sadly. "He's... he's got a
girlfriend."
The Lord of the Dance 'ooh'ed sympathetically. "Aah, that's
right, you'd taken quite a fancy to John."
"That stupid hussy! What's he see in her?!"
He patted her on the shoulder. "There now, child. Isn't
John a bit... I don't know... too old for you? Perhaps you
should look elsewhere, maybe the lad Tim Hu-"
"I don't WANT anyone else!" she pouted.
"There now lass, there'll be other days and other la..." He
thought the saying over, and decided to revise it for
younger ears. "other opportunities."
Skuld nodded numbly in response.
The bell chimed as another customer walked in.
"Well speak of the devil," said the Lord of the Dance. "Hey
Johnny, how goes the search for a cure?"
"Not good, not good. Pour us some of that fancy wine inna
tin, eh?"
"Wine in a can? John, that's sick of you."
"I'm feeing sadistic."
Skuld sat upright, eye twitching. It was THAT voice, the
voice of THAT girl.
Wait a minute.
WHAT did the Lord of the Dance call her?!?!
"Hey, there you are, rugrat. You ran off before I could
explain," said the woman.
Skuld turned around and stared. Puzzle pieces were
beginning to snap together in her head, and the picture it
was making was one she didn't like.
Trenchcoat.
Cigarette.
Blond hair.
That's John.
Breasts.
That's not John.
No. Nononono.
"You're... aheh... John's sister?" asked Skuld with a
cracked smile.
"Skuld, I know this might be hard to believe..."
"John's niece, right? Or maybe his cousin?" suggested Skuld
desperately.
"Oh, I forgot," said the Lord of the Dance. "She hadn't
found out about THAT yet."
Skuld whirled around and grabbed the Lord of the Dance by
his shirt. "WHAT?!" she asked deliriously. "WHAT DON'T I
KNOW?!"
"Child, get a hold of yourself," he urged gently. "Skuld,
dear, John's undergone... some changes."
Skuld stared at him, then at the woman, then back and forth
a few more times.
Her stare finally stopped at the woman. "J-John?"
"Hi Skuld. You'll never believe what happened to me."
"WAAAAAAAAAAH! JOHN'S GAY AND HAD A SEX CHANGE OPERATION!"
Before anyone could comment further, Skuld leaped into her
hot chocolate and vanished.
"Oh my," said the Lord of the Dance.
"Actually, I suppose I'm technically a lesbian," mused John.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Somewhere in the wilds of New Orleans...
John, still female, wasn't in the mood for this. It wasn't
her time of month, it was that she utterly despised the
company.
"Right then, Stranger, what's this all about?"
The Phantom Stranger, the cloaked enigmatic figure that John
loathed to a sharp and fine degree, stepped forward from the
shadows.
"Your brothers in arms wish you to know that we sympathise
with your plight, and you do not stand alone in this
matter."
"So, you'll help me get back to normal?" asked John.
"Not exactly." The Phantom Stranger pulled a wand from his
trenchcoat and held it high.
"Oh shite, no," muttered John.
"SUPER STRANGER POWER, MAKE UP!"
There was a blazing, blinding flash of light. When it
settled down, The Phantom Stranger was... a woman. She was
clad in a white and grey sailor fuku, with a long and
flowing grey cloak around her. She also was still wearing
the hat.
"I am... Sailor Stranger!"
John threw her arms up in disgust. "Jesus, TELL me he's
kidding!"
"He is not, my friend, and neither am I," said Dr. Occult as
he stepped from the shadows. He held a transformation rod
as well and raised it high, yelling, "MYSTIC OCCULT POWER,
MAKE UP!"
"This is a bad dream," mumbled John. "I had too much kidney
pie and beer, and this is the result."
With a flash of light, Dr. Occult was gone, replaced by Rose
Spiritus, the woman whose soul was entwined with Dr.
Occult's.
She was wearing a sailor fuku as well.
"I am Sailor Occult!"
"Oh big deal," said John. "You turned into a woman BEFORE."
"Yes," said Rose, "but you must admit the sailor fuku looks
rather nice on me."
"Eh."
"I... too... am... a... part..."
"OH GOD! NOT HIM TOO!" yelled John, tossing her arms up in
the air once more.
"of... this..."
A nearby shrub suddenly had a burst of growth, forming a
large, humanoid monstrosity made of plant growth.
Swamp Thing, the earth elemental, had arrived.
Slowly, he raised a branch up high.
"And what," asked John, pointing at the branch, "is that
twig supposed to be?"
"My... transformation... wand."
John winced. He'd forgotten how wretchedly long Swamp Thing
took to say a simple sentence.
"PLANT... POWER..."
"He still takes forever to say one fuckin' sentence," whined
John. "Lemme guess, PLANT POWER, MAKE UP! Hurry up and say
it!"
"MAKE..."
"Up. Make up. C'mon c'mon c'mon."
"...UP!"
A large blinding light engulfed Swamp Thing.
It stayed that way for quite a while.
"I don't believe it," said John. "He's slow in EVERYTHING
he does!"
Finally, three cigarettes later, the light dimmed down,
revealing....
Swamp Thing. In a Sailor Fuku.
"I... am... Sailor... Green."
"WAHAHAHAAHAHA!"
An explosion of black smoke and brimfire interrupted his
laughter. The First of the Fallen stood before them,
looking at each one much like one would look at a roach.
"So, this is your new strategy against me, eh?" he asked.
"Yes," said John sarcastically. "Brilliant strategy at
that."
"Well, I can meet you on these terms as well," he said
smugly.
John blinked. "Terms? What the... no, he's not..."
"ETERNAL DAMNATION POWER, MAKE UP!"
*FWOOSH*
"I AM SAILOR FALLEN! IN THE NAME OF THE DAMNED, I'LL PUNISH
YOU!"
"This is getting ridiculous. If I hear one more..."
"So gone, gone o form of man... arise the Sailor Etrigan!"
called out another voice.
*poof* A yellow-skinned horned demon stood there. In a very
short Sailor fuku.
He had really ugly yellow knobby knees, too.
The cigarette finally dropped from John's mouth. "Okay,
that's it, I'm gone. See you lads later."
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"I guess it's up to us, then," said Gemma.
An Asian girl in a black Chinese dress, a yin/yang symbol
decorating its front, nodded. "There's little time left. I
can feel Cth'U breaking through the fifth seal."
"Er, Ayako," said a thin British boy with large glasses. "I
still think we ought to try seeing if the Phantom Stranger
is in. Or maybe Zatanna, or maybe Dr. Occult. This is a bit
out of our league." He was promptly malleted from behind.
"Ow! What'd you do that for, Skuld?!"
"Stop whining, Hunter," growled the young Goddess. "John
wouldn't be caught dead whining like you."
"Oh, it's ALWAYS about John," said Tim, rolling his eyes.
"Well he's a better magus than YOU'LL ever be!" retaliated
Skuld sticking her tongue out.
"Tsk, lookit the two lovebirds," teased Gemma.
Tim and Skuld both blushed badly.
"We are NOT lovebirds!" they both yelled.
"Guess it's time to suit up for action," said Gemma, pulling
out her transformation wand. "HELLFIRE POWER, MAKE UP!"
Gemma Masters spun in the air for a moment, undergoing the
usual changes in attire that Sailor Senshi usually go
through.
This, of course, also involved a brief moment of nudity.
Gemma forgot that Tim Hunter was in the room.
Skuld didn't.
-WHAM-
"Don't look! Pervert!"
Ayako tsked. "Skuld, you reallly shouldn't beat up your
boyfriend like that."
"HE IS NOT MY BOYFRIEND!"
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Gemma Masters: Sailor Hellblazer
Ayako Mano: Devil Hunter
Skuld: Goddess of the Future
Tim Hunter: "I'd rather be in London"
T h e J u n i o r
T r e n c h c o a t B r i g a d e
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The Ditched Story Ideas
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Something was rotten in London, and it wasn't just
Parliament.
John had read about the recent archaeological discovery in
the basement of one of the local schools, and he'd seen some
photos of the site. The architecture, the heiroglyphics,
he'd seen them before.
There was magic in there, powerful magic, and those clumsy
clueless nutters might well set off the magical equivalent
to a nuke if they didn't watch their step.
That is... unless someone deactivated the bomb first.
- - -
With flashlight in hand, John explored the depths of the
archaeological dig with fascination. Some of the scenes
depicted before him were fairly understandable, something
about royal families and kingdoms and such, but one thing
held his attention the most: a large, looming eye.
Perhaps their god?
He shrugged and moved on, down further into the darkness,
and finally came upon a peculiar round chamber. The floors
were etched with thousands of symbols, all entirely alien to
John, and all spiraling from the center. At the far end of
the chamber, a large stone crypt sat upright, its face also
marked with the looming eye.
Curiousity got the better of him, and John ventured forth
across the room to get a better look at the crypt.
That was a mistake.
As he stepped across the middle of the room, blue threads of
light appeared everywhere, and a steady humming of power
filled the room.
"Damn."
The blue lines wavered and whipped about gently, some of
them caressing his face, others swirling around him. And
then they dissappeared.
The crypt at the end of the room opened with a hiss.
John tensed, ready to run.
The crypt opened to reveal... metal. That was odd, thought
John. The crypt was lined with shining metal and
fluorescent-esque lights.
That wasn't the most stunning part.
The beautiful albino girl within was.
She had long, flowing white hair, and was dressed in
strange, slightly arabic, mostly alien garb, that seemed
somewhat tattered. Her beauty was rather exotic... almost
elfin in appearance.
The girl's eyes opened slowly, and as their gazes met, she
smiled.
"It's you," she said with a weak yet happy voice.
John blinked. "Me?"
"I've waited," she said weakly as she walked to him. It
seemed as if she would collapse at any moment, and she did
just as she reached him.
Instinctively, John caught her in his arms. "Hey, easy
there girl, I'll get you some help. Just hold on."
"I've waited for so long," she said in a whispery voice.
"For ten thousand years, I've waited, dreaming of you."
"I think you've got me mistaken for someone else," said
John. "Easy now, just rest."
"No," she said. Beams of azure energy began to stream from
her, and John finally noticed he was slowly becoming
transparent.
"Oi! What the-"
"There's one last thing I must do. With the last of my
strength... I send you to El Hazard."
"Like Hell you will! I-"
-fwoosh-
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
John Constantine: Hellblazer
El Hazard, the Magnificent World
El Hazard, the Bloody Friggin Magnificent World
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For the first time in too long, all was wrong in Hell.
And the First of the Fallen was enjoying every bit of it.
He sat on his throne of bone, as giddy as a junior-level
succubus. His fingers danced lightly on its armrests, as
plans within plans began to firm in his inky-black soul.
With a madman's laugh, he called for some souls to torment,
to let his mind play for awhile.
The recent events with John Constantine had been fun;
indeed, he'd be hard pressed to remember when he'd had so
much laughter. Watching as ultra-masculine Constantine
pranced around in woman's guise... he hadn't enjoyed a
mortal's frailties in centuries. He wanted to feel that
laughter again... and he knew just how to do it.
He would not have Constantine's soul, he knew that. Soon,
he wouldn't need it.
- - -
John Constantine hated hangovers.
Celebrations he rarely had... wakes, though, were another
story. It had been five years to the day since he'd given
ol' Brendan Finn a back door to heaven and, in true fashion,
he'd decided to honor it as Brendan would've wanted it -
with a royal piss-fest. He didn't know how much liquor he'd
downed in the night; he lost count about halfway through...
He rubbed his eyes, and staggered to his feet. Right now,
what he needed more than anything was a nice cold shower to
shock him awake. His feet felt like lead as he made his way
to the loo; his head felt like it wasn't screwed on
straight.
So what else was new... he thought. He turned on the tap,
and let the cold water fill to the rim. He stopped before
he put his hands in; there was something... something about
last night... something he'd forgotten? That wasn't good;
he had far too many enemies to be forgetting *anything*.
Shrugging, he put his hands into the water, and splashed his
face.
He paused. Something was very wrong... he absently rubbed
his chin, as he struggled to find the truth beneath the fog.
He thought about it for a moment... that face looked very
familiar... where had he seen it before?
In a horrifying instant, it dawned on him. The trench was
there, the outfit was still there... but the body beneath
might as well be wearing a fuku. He poked his chest
experimentally.
Yep.
He was a girl again.
She paused for a moment to consider possible courses of
action. She could just get shit-faced drunk again and hope
that she change back to a guy during it... or she could go
to the one person responsible for the last time she found
herself as part of the tampon-wearing half of humanity.
"GEMMMMMAAAAAA!"
- - -
Deep in the bowels of Hell, the First of the Fallen was once
again snickering badly. He'd almost forgotten about those
dandy little cursed springs.
Fun, those.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Hellblazer 1/2
(With thanks to Nicholas Leifker for this bit)
Coming NEVER to a newsgroup near you.
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"They just appeared in me backyard, John! Little beasties
runnin' amock buildin' these weird structures all over the
place!" lamented Chas. "And with their evil bloody
chantin' and songs, it's drivin' me mad!"
John nodded, filing that information away. Probably gnomes,
or maybe the odder variety of poltergeist.
"Lead me to it, squire."
Chas opened the back yard door. What greeted John's eyes
was a lawn grown wild, with grass taller than most children.
"Hadn't mowed the lawn in a while, eh?"
"They go friggin' ballistic if they even sees a lawn mower,"
said Chas. "THey're right that way."
John nodded solemnly and pushed through the grass. Slowly,
carefully, he made his way through until he saw a clearing.
There were small houses there, about three inches tall.
Each one appeared to be made of... mushrooms... of some
sort.
And then he heard the music.
o/~ Tra-la la la-la-la o/~
And the helium-laden voices squeaking all over.
"Shite. Smurfs."
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John Constantine: Hellblazer
vs.
The Smurfs
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In the Keep, where the rats lurk...
David ran up to Rod. "Hey! I've got an idea!"
Rod nodded. "Shoot. What's this idea?"
"See, while I was researching the cult of the Norns, I got this
damn kickass idea. Here, lemme sing... Oi, Wonkalot, help
me out here, willya?"
David sang, o/~ Beware, oh mighty lords, oh gods of the
heavens above, oh demons of hells below! / For Constantine,
John Constantine, he hath found the Hammer! / Whosoever holds
the hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of
Thor! o/~
Chris sang, o/~ I've messed with devils, angels, men / and
found that blokes, time and again, / fear few things more /
than loss of souls / than ending on / infernal coals / but
toss 'em pon / the bloody rack / the might of THOR'S / what
keeps 'em back / And now I'm stuck / with hammer dear / My
bloody luck / Jes disappear! o/~
David sang, o/~ I was a man, just a man. Just knew the
rules, I did / But when that hammer came, all o'sudden, I
was a friggin' pansy / Wings on my hat / Cape of red, long
flowing lock / Bugger it all to hell / I ain't no superhero
longjohn! o/~
Rod said, "Ah yes, Thor Constantine and his sidekick Skuld."
He paused a second, then added, "I ain't touching this one
with a 10 foot mallet."
Chris chimed in. o/~ Long John Silver was a PIRATE, see? / With
a peg leg, gun, and his mollies three / Now THERE was a
decent job, if strange / No pansy dress, no hair like mange
/ Why DOES *this* John now end up / with a faggety helmet /
and a steel C-cup? / I'd KILL the buggers who / messed up my
fate / 'Cept ONE'S the Future / an' I've soiled my cape.
o/~"
David struck a pose. o/~ I was a man, y'see / And now I'm a hero
bold! I hardly ever get sick at sea! o/~
Skuld popped out of a teapot, singing. o/~ Oh a blimey
right ol' bastard was Constantine / A righteous bastard was
he! / He'd just as soon screw his friends as look at 'em /
That bugger was one righteous dude / Magic spells and
illusions / Not for him, no / It was the knowledge that drew
him / And one fateful day / That was what drew him / To that
dark cave / He got the hammer / He got the power! / YAY YAY
YOU GO JOHNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNN! o/~
Rod walked away. "I wash my hands of this."
----------------
Thor Constantine: The Musicial
---------------
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Writer's Notes, by David Tai
or, 'f u cn rd ths ur crzy'
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Rod's spelling sucks.
Royally.
Painfully.
Not to mention missing some words in his sentences.
If you ever want to play editor...
and want a challenge...
Talk to Rod M.
Having said that...
Sailor Hellblazer is all Mike Loader's fault. He brought it
up at that place called the Keep. On Kawaiimuck, back when
we were discussing, Rod and I, how to complete "Dire Fates",
a John Constantine:Hellblazer/ Oh My Goddess crossover
series.
I promptly forgot all about this while working on "Mortal
Fates", the sequel to Dire Fates. But Rod never forgot,
that squirrely bugger. When we got stalled on Mortal Fates,
Rod cast about for something to liven the mood... and
decided Sailor Hellblazer would do, just because he couldn't
get it out of his mind.
What was I to do, but tag along for THIS ride, just like
Chas to John? *grumble*
Oh. The Keep. Right. All the names in the Keep are based
on the people who frequent the real Keep.
Mikey = the infamous Mike Loader himself. Gaffo = Sean
Gaffney. Wonker/Wonkalot = Chris Willmore Birdy = Nicholas
Leifker Tommy = Thom "White Wolf" Youngblood Jamie = James
"Zen" Batesman Scriv = The Scriviner
Take a wild guess who Roddy and Davey are.
Right, then.
Will finish up Mortal Fates real soon, promise!
-David Tai
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Writer's Notes, by Rod M.
or, 'what on earth was I thinking?!'
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Let me make this clear right now.
I hate Sailor Moon.
My sincere apologies to anyone that may be offended
by that statement, but them's the facts.
Now then...
It began as a bit of a joke between fellow writer Mike
Loader, 'Dire Fates' co-writer David Tai, and myself, as we
talked about other stuff that our favorite chain-smoking bad
boy of the occult, John Constantine, could possibly cross
over into as far as anime is concerned.
Sailor Moon was mentioned in passing, and we all pretty much
scoffed at the idea.
Sailor Moon is, in case you're not familiar, the most
dominant show of the 'magical girl' genre, where school
girls somehow obtain magic powers, run around in souped up
schoolgirl outfits (i.e. 'sailor fukus'), and do battle
against demonic forces almost always in the name of love.
The very concept makes me ill. Can you say sugar overdose?
But... as the months passed by, there was this nagging voice
at the back my head, the same bastard that probably
whispered 'build it and they will come' in Kevin Costner's
'Field of Dreams'.
Aaaanyway, this thing had comedy potential. Lots of comedy
potential. It began to nag at me, very much so, and so I
sat down and began to hash plot.
And sonovagun, I managed to have lots of comedy, AND a plot
that worked pretty well too. Hell, I'm surprised by how
well it turned out.
By the way, you've got 'White Wolf', yet another frequent
anime fanfic writer, to blame for the plot. If it weren't
for him, I wouldn't have one.
For Your Information...
- No, it's never explained WHERE the magic transformation
rods come from. They just appear.
- In the general Magical Girl genre, heck, in anime
in general, it's the standard for a character to yell
out a nifty little name for their attack just as they
do it.
- In the Magical Girl Genre, the attack is usually stupidly
cute. There are exceptions, but the cutesy attacks
dominate.
- Yes, there is a 'Gentle Uterus Attack'. Damned if I know
exactly what it does, and I don't think I wanna know
either.
I had to do a lot of Sailor Moon research to get this
bastard of a story done, and let me tell you it wasn't
entirely pleasant at all. At the anime rental shop I
frequent, I asked if they just happend to have any sailor
moon for rent. Now, the guy over there is my buddy, he
knows what I like and don't like, and he gave me this look
that said 'I know I didn't hear you just ask that, so we're
gonna go on as if you didn't ask it, which you didn't'.
Frequent embarrassment? You got it.
There's nothing quite like an anime schoolgirl on your
monitor screen at work to get your co-workers wondering
about your sanity and sexual perversions.
But through it all, through the ridiculous cutsey sayings,
and ridiculous outfits (WHY a Sailor Fuku?!?!), and other
stuff (Why SAILOR?!?!), I found that Sailor Moon actually
had a pretty nifty premise behind it. The whole kingdom
thing, gotta admit it's a nice plot device.
But, damn it all, I still hate Sailor Moon.
Sailor Uranus, on the other hand, she's a babe.... ^_^
- Rod M.
M Productions: Stupid Crossovers done well.
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SUPPORTING CAST CHARACTER ANNOTATIONS
- Blathoxi, Demon Lord of Flatulence, appears in issue 3
of John Constantine: Hellblazer. He can also be found
in the first trade paperback, "Original Sins". If there's
a Demon Lord of Flatulence, is there also one for other
unhealthy bodily functions?
- The Lord of the Dance can be found in issue 49 of
John Constantine: Hellblazer. He is NOT the same
Lord of the Dance that prances about to Irish music.
- Cupid, Gangsta of Luv, can be found in issues 26 and 27 of
The Books of Magic.
- The Chas / monkey / anal probe incident can be found
in the pages of Hellblazer, issue 84, written by Jamie
Delano.
And you thought I made those up....
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