Goodbye My Lover
"Sometimes…" Charlie paused, looking at the piece of paper in her hands, the tear stains marking it, pooling the ink on the page. "Sometimes I can still hear his voice…hear his whispers in the dark, see him admonishing officers for practical jokes, even though the twinkle in his eyes was doing the exact opposite." She paused, taking a deep breath to steady her own nerves.
As she paused, she watched the people in front of her, each gathered for the same purpose, yet she wondered what they were all thinking. 'How many of them really miss him?' she thought to herself. 'What right do they have to miss him?' She closed her eyes, dismissing the thought as selfish, knowing he'd touched many lives, in more ways than she would ever know.
"He was always…there." She forced the last word. "He knew what the right answer was; he knew how to make everything alright again." She paused and turned her head, her gaze fixing on to the unwavering gaze of the Inspector, "He could kiss the tears away, and have a solution which no one else could have thought up."
Gina squeezed Charlie a small smile in encouragement, watching the smaller woman as she appeared to shy back from the congregation, her head dipped, only serving to further cast her pale complexion in shadow, the red rimmed eyes a stark contrast to the rest of her face.
Charlie faltered, trying to continue what she'd written, her voice breaking constantly, before Gina stepped forward, one arm around her waist as she finished for her, Charlie's head dipped as she cried. "He was more than my husband." Gina squeezed her gently, "He was my best friend and soul mate. He understood me better than anyone I've ever known. I'll never forget him," Gina paused, her own voice cracking. "I love him. I always have," She paused, her voice becoming softer. "…And I always will."
Once Gina had finished, Charlie instantly dropped her hand to the side, her fingers curling around Gina's as she followed her to her seat, her head still dipped.
"Shhh…" Gina whispered softly as the minister continued his reading, Charlie's head tucked in her shoulder, her free hand running through her hair. "I know…" She said softly. "I know…"
"I miss him." Charlie choked softly, clinging onto Gina as though she too would disappear the second she let go. "I just want him back!"
"I know." Gina sighed and held Charlie's fragile form closely, "It's alright."
Charlie pulled her head back and looked up at Gina, shaking her head, her eyes searching the older woman's. "He's gone." She said simply. "It'll never be alright."
Charlie shrank further back into her own shadow as the last few colleagues and family members left the house, curling up in the large armchair in the corner of the room. She swallowed hard as she clutched a large tumbler of whiskey, her hair falling around her shoulders in untidy waves, framing her delicate features.
"Ma'am." Tony stood by the door, glancing back through. "Do you want me to-"
"It's ok." Gina shook her head. "I'll stay with her…"
"If she needs anything-"
"I'll call." Gina nodded and squeezed him a small smile. "Thanks, Tony."
"Ma'am." Tony smiled softly, leaving the house, casting a sad gaze back, before walking home.
"Charlie?" Gina walked to the door of the living room, watching her from the doorway. "...Charlie?" She repeated a little louder, Charlie jumping and looking in her vague direction. "Drink?" She sighed as Charlie lifted her tumbler, but didn't argue, fixing herself a strong, sweet tea and walked through, sitting on the settee beside the armchair, noting how Charlie didn't move, save to shift her gaze into the bottom of her glass.
"You hungry?"
Charlie gave the slightest shake of her head, leaning her head against the arm of the settee.
"You should try-"
"Don't want anything." Charlie leant forward, lifting up the closest framed picture of her and Smithy, the tumbler resting in her lap. She brushed her thumb over the glass, a single tear running from her eye, cuddling the frame closer. "It's his 30th next month." She said quietly. Gina sipped her drink softly, letting Charlie talk at her own pace. "I was…I told him he was getting old. He told me not to be so bloody stupid." She choked a small laugh. "He chased me round the garden with the hosepipe, told me he'd show me old…" She closed her eyes as another tear involuntarily slid down her cheek. "I can't do this, Gina."
"Do…?"
"Be without him." She looked up. "He did everything – even things as stupid as the bills, he always was going on about how I made them and how he paid them."
Gina smiled a little, leaning forward. "Sounds about right…"
"I tried to be there, y'know?" Charlie shrugged a little. "I tried to be everything for him that he was for me…"
"And you were…!"
"Was I?" Charlie looked thoughtful and tilted her head a little. "I didn't do half the stuff for him-"
"You know what he's like." Gina kicked herself for using the present tense.
Charlie dipped her head. "He used to scowl each time I suggested a break, or a meal, yet he'd pout each time he'd come home to find I hadn't organised them…"
Gina chuckled weakly. "He thought the world of you."
"I love him so much!." Charlie looked at the picture, pulling it back from her chest as she traced the outline of Smithy's face. "He was everything, and now-"
"Now." Gina smiled a little, letting her hand fall gently over Charlie's arm. "He's up there, looking over you…making sure-"
"He's up there?" A rare smile flicked over Charlie's lips as she met Gina's gaze. "I wouldn't let him hear you say that."