Lonelily

Disclaimer: All Harry Potter characters and ideas belong to JK Rowling. Lyrics to "Lonelily" (written in italics) belong to Damien Rice.

A/N: Told in Remus' pov.

I gave me away,
I could have knocked off the evening,
But I lonelily landed my waltz in her hands,

When Harry Potter and his friends entered my compartment on the Hogwarts Express, they thought I was asleep. I had been sleeping, yes, but I've always been a light sleeper, and feigning slumber was an easy way to let the memories wash over me… without trying to make polite conversation at the same time.

Harry truly does have his mother's eyes.

………………………………...

It was Christmas Eve, our sixth year at Hogwarts, and the night of the annual Yule Ball. I had never really thought of Christmastime as romantic, but that night changed me. In more than one way.

Peter and I never had much luck with girls. We were in favor of skipping the ball and planning an amazing Christmas prank, but James and Sirius' votes outranked ours. Sirius had a gorgeous date, as usual, and James was hoping to finally persuade Lily to dance with him. It had been his personal goal for the past three years.

The four of us stood in our dormitory, wearing various colors of dress robes. James, Quidditch marvel and Prince of Gryffindor, wore red robes trimmed in gold. Sirius was donned in an elegant black. Peter's violet robes had been an object of ridicule all night, and my robes were of a dark green.

Sirius was mercilessly teasing James about his hair, which managed to look even messier with each stroke of the comb. When James announced that it was time to go, Peter looked downright miserable. I was preparing myself on what to say if I stepped on any girl's toes while dancing. We made our way to the entrance of the Great Hall, where Sirius met his date, Tabitha.

The beginning hours of the night were just a blur of orchestral music, unimpressive dances with girls, and eggnog.

I'm not sure how I ended up dancing with Lily.

The orchestra was playing a French-sounding waltz, and I was dancing with the love of James' life.

"James is at it again," she whispered in my ear.

"He's pestering you?"

"Yes… I don't know what to do."

"Maybe you should give the guy a chance," I said.

"Hmm… you're an amazing dancer Remus."

Our bodies were pressed close as we waltzed around the large room.

"No, you are, Lily."

We shared a few more dances before James noticed us. I caught a glimpse of his shocked face, and Lily also glanced in his direction. Moments later, James was politely asking if he could cut in. Lily's hands tightened around me in what I hoped was reluctance, but she managed a small smile and allowed me to spin her into James' arms.

I quickly made my way to one of the small tables and sat down. I felt shaky. It was as if I had just seen Lily for the first time. I suspected that I had never thought of her as anything but "James' girl." But now, after a few dances with her, I was… different.

Sirius was walking towards me, so I tried to quiet the many thoughts in my head. I was sure they would give me away.

"Where's Tabitha?" I called.

"Dancing with Peter," he answered with a smile. "Where's James?" he asked.

"Dancing with Lily," I said, trying to make my face into what I hoped was an excited grin.

Sirius let out a muffled whoop, and spun around to look for his best friend on the dance floor.

I sat back in my chair, took a sip of eggnog, and closed my eyes for a moment. Jade green eyes looked back at me.

In a way, I felt you were leaving me,
I was sure I wouldn't find you at home,
And you let me down.

After that night, Lily and I were together whenever James wasn't around. We dated in secret for almost two years-- quietly falling in love.

I loved everything about Lily. Loved watching her turn down the many persistent guys that continued to ask her out (James among them). Loved her beauty: her body, her eyes, her hair, her smile. She was always full of good humor when James flirted, but then she'd steal small, knowing glances at me. Loved the look on her face when she was reading and didn't know I was watching. Loved just about everything about her.

I could live the rest of my life in memories of love.

It seems odd that all these feelings started from a dance. I have never been too fond of dancing.

We were out of school now, all living off on our own, except for Peter, who still lived with his parents. The Marauders still got together often enough, but my time with them became unbearable when James began telling stories of how Lily, after all those years, was finally starting to like him.

Denial introduced himself to me that night, and we became very close as time went on.

The four of us met for lunch one Friday, and James proudly announced that he had a date with Lily that very night.

My first thought was that this could not possibly be true. But even while denial was settling easily over me, another part of me (perhaps the cynicism of the werewolf) had a different thought. If Lily was cheating on me, she was doing it carelessly. She knew better than anyone that James would boast to his friends about finally winning her over.

That night I showed up at Lily's place to surprise her with a bouquet of flowers. My knuckles rapped against the wood eleven times. The lilies in my hand seemed to laugh at me as I started home, and promptly withered when I set them in a vase of water.

You could have knocked off the evening,
But you lonelily let him push under your bone.

Three nights later was the full moon. James, Sirius, Peter, and I had been using this time of the month to take a trip to Hogsmeade. We had all agreed after graduation that the "Shrieking Shack" would still be the safest place for me to stay.

But I didn't trust myself not to rip out James' throat.

We had stopped in the Three Broomsticks to warm up with a butterbeer. It was the middle of December, and the already icy weather forecasted a white Christmas. James and Sirius sat on one side of the table, Peter and I on the other. Peter spoke first.

"So, James, how was your date?" he asked, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively.

"It was great," James said, grinning. He then faked a huge yawn. "Still a bit tired out, actually."

Sirius and Peter sniggered and grinned appreciatively. I sat. I jumped out of my chair and staggered towards the bathroom.

It wasn't true. That's what I had to remember. James was just bragging. It wasn't true. Maybe she found out I was a werewolf and didn't want to love me anymore. But it wasn't true. I needed to talk to Lily.

You let me down,
It's no use deceiving…
Neither of us want to be alone.

I Apparated to Lily's flat straight from the bathroom. I knocked on the door impatiently, trying to ignore the feeling of déjà vu that made me want to flee. Lily came to the door.

"Remus!" Lily kissed me on the cheek. "I thought you had gone out with the guys today. Is something wrong?"

"Lily, I need to talk to you. Can we walk?"

"Sure… just come in while I get my coat and hat."

I stepped inside and stared at a crack in the wall until Lily linked her arm through mine and led me out the door. And we walked.

"Lily," I began, "I still love you."

"I still love you too," she said, giving me a quirky smile.

"James said some things that made me think otherwise."

"What did James say that you believed?"

"He said… he said that he had taken you out on a date, and that--"

"Well, whatever else he said doesn't matter."

"It doesn't?"

"No. We did go out, but it wasn't a date!"

"It wasn't?"

"No! I asked him to help me plan… something. A surprise party… which may no longer be a surprise."

I laughed, and the intricate arrangement of knots that had formed in my stomach three days ago was unraveled.

"Honestly, Remus, if I was going to cheat on you I would pick someone more discreet that James."

"Given it some thought, have you?" I said, turning my back to her in mock anger.

"Never," she said, pulling me around to face her. Lily placed a hand on each side of my head and kissed me while running her fingers through my hair. I took her hands in my own and lightly kissed each one.

After a few moments of walking hand in hand, Lily spoke. "I think we should tell James about us. It's time to end the secrecy."

"I dunno… he's one of my best mates-- I don't want him to hate me."

"Rem, don't you think he needs to know the truth?"

"But, Lily, he's loved you for so long… he may never forgive me."

"Yes, but, he dates other girls. He doesn't really love me… he's just strangely infatuated. He'll get over it in no time when we tell him."

"I suppose you're right. We can tell him tomorrow."

"Thanks sweetie."

Lily and I strolled further and further away from her house, finding new ways to keep each other warm as our heels crunched along the frosty ground. Before we knew it we were watching the sunset in each other's arms.

And I was kissing Lily when the moon came out.

The transformation tore through my body and made me growl in pain. Lily screamed, and my wolf mind identified a weakness in the prey. The girl was fleeing, but I could surely run faster, despite, or perhaps because of my hunger. I could already imagine the way her flesh would taste.

Suddenly, I was caught in the side by a pair of antlers, and thrown forcefully to the ground. I struggled to get up and fight back, but the creature with the antlers was pinning me down. The girl ran out of my sight. Minutes crept by. My body was in pain, but I could not rise from the ground. Minutes crept. A black shaggy dog loped into view. The dog stood beside me, and slowly the pressure of the antlers lifted. I got to my feet and took a few steps, but the dog jumped in front of me and growled. A quick bite on the neck.

You're coming home,
You're coming home,

I woke with a jerk when I was suddenly aware of a stabbing pain in my neck. In a few moments I realized that I was in the "Shrieking Shack." A few moments more and I realized what I had done.

Lily would never return to me. I had scared away the woman I loved.

A/N: So… what do you think? This is partone of a three part story- just to let you know. Questions, comments, concerns? Please take the time to review, even if you just put G for good or B for bad. Thanks! -Echo