Wishing Only Wounds the Heart

A Tumnus and Lucy Romance

Notes: I own nothing. This is based off the song "I'm Not That Girl" from the Broadway show WICKED which I also don't own.

Acknowledgements: This could not have been done without the great help from our very own in the Tumnus Fan Club, Sanaryelle, and my five betas on livejournal.

Dedication: With love and hopes that she'll enjoy it, to Shawcross Gal and to the rest of us that ship Tumnus and Lucy with an undying love.

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He never regretted being a Faun; if anything, he was proud of his heritage. And he enjoyed telling Lucy of all the Faun ways...how as children they took lessons in music and were taught the tradition of wearing scarves. But lately, Tumnus had been wishing that he had been born something different.

Something Human.

Tumnus was convinced that after years of living at Cair Paravel, Lucy was in love. To him it was obvious in the way her eyes would go out of focus whenever there was a comfortable silence during their conversations. He would see in his mind's eye a boy with blond hair and shining eyes. He imagined their hands meeting over a cup of tea or some fallen object that they would both reach for. Tumnus for a brief time thought that the boy existed just in his mind, but her actions spoke clear enough to turn the thought away; the boy had to be real. How he wished that his were the hands meeting hers, and not the boy's, but they never were. They most likely never would be.

He would start to dream that maybe, just maybe, he was the one that her heart went in a whirl for, and at times, it seemed as thoughhe was. He would smile and dream of their deeper discussions and a deep blush would creep across his face as he felt that certain joy that can only be held by those who are in love.

But then he would stand to answer the door or to get the kettle from the fire, and would realize once again that he wasn't Human. How could he have forgotten who, and what, he was? Nights were spent where all he did was stare at his hooves, thinking that if he just willed it, he could have his one day as a Human, and finally be worthy of her. Days were spent in thinking of ways to become more Human, to do something to catch her eye and take the place of the boy that he knew she went to see whenever she left him.

The ache of reality was often too much for him to handle, so that at times Lucy would leave early thinking that he had wanted to be alone, when really, he wanted her to stay. She left for him, he would think, the boy with the strong legs and a nature that she could relate to. Someone who wasn't a Faun. And when she had left, he would stand at the door, watching her retreating figure and trying to fight the tears that threatened to fall each time. He was not born for her, or her world. He knew that, and yet he kept wishing and dreaming just the same. Despite his self-scolding, he kept at his dreams and the wounds on his heart were the only marks that showed the true pain he felt. On the outside, he kept it hidden as much as possible, but there were brief moments when it overtook him and he would give into the despair.

One day, without knowing what came over him, he followed her. He stayed a short distance away until she had gone into the forest heading back towards Cair Paravel, and he remained beside a tree, a hand resting upon the rough bark.

"Green never did look good on you," a smooth voice said from below.

Coming out of his thoughts with a start, Tumnus looked down to see Fox sitting beside his hooves. "What do you mean?"

"Of course, your coronation scarf was elegant, but that's beside the point," Fox continued on, ignoring Tumnus's question. Twitching his tail back and forth, Fox looked up at him with sharp eyes, "You should tell her, Tumnus."

Blinking, he almost chose to argue, but stopped and turned his attention back to the brush that Lucy had gone through, "No. I'm not that boy."

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Author's Notes: This is not the end; don't fret! I hope that this will be a three, if not, four-part story.