Give her hell from us, Peeves!

This vignette isn't part of the seven part series that starts with "Why Snape never eats here" – it's just a meandering little story about what Umbridge, Flitwick and Snape were thinking at that marvelous moment when Fred and George Weasley decided that they'd outgrown full-time education. However, if you read the series you will get a better feel for the particular version of the Potterverse in which the story is set.

Chapter 1: Dolores Umbridge

She's brooding over her class of fifth year Gryffindors, they've got their heads down, bent over Chapter Thirty-Four of Defensive Magical Theory, even Harry-bloody-Potter is keeping quiet. She thinks, Potter has finally learned his lesson and he doesn't want another detention with me, no, he doesn't want another detention with the Headmistress of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. It was so thoughtful of Lucius Malfoy to provide me with that Detention Quill, it's an antique, a very valuable family heirloom - and young Draco and his friends have been very helpful, too. The Malfoys are such a distinguished, wealthy, generous family ... and Lucius warned me about Potter, what a nasty, lying little troublemaker Potter is, and I've seen it for myself, Dumbledore's Golden Boy is almost uncontrollable. But Dumbledore always favoured Potter's father - Lucius told me that James Potter could get away with murder when he was a student at Hogwarts - and now he favours the son, he favours all the Gryffindors, from what I've heard. And McGonagall is just as bad, encouraging Potter to imagine that he might be offered a Ministry position ... I don't think so! Only those of proven loyalty to the Ministry are accepted into the Auror Corps, and Potter is Dumbledore's creature, through and through.

Dumbledore! Oh, most people are taken in by that dotty old man act that Dumbledore puts on - but not me. He's devious, manipulative, power-hungry ... when Cornelius was first made Minister, Dumbledore bombarded him with owls - he loved being the power behind the throne, pulling the strings - but now that Cornelius refuses to be his puppet any longer, he's making an open grab for power. The defeat of Grindelwald is old hat now, so he's hitched his wagon to Harry Potter's star, trying to beat up hysteria about You Know Who to destabilise the Ministry, to frighten people into wanting a change of regime, into wanting a firm hand on the rudder – the hand of the only wizard You Know Who supposedly ever feared! And we have to keep the situation under control, people were close to panic when those Death Eaters escaped from Azkaban, and the last thing we need is more nonsense about You Know Who having returned, the last thing we need is more rubbish in the press about the Boy Who Lived.

She looks loathingly at Potter, just look at him, always flicking his hair back so you can see the scar on his forehead, I'd like to take a pair of scissors to that hair but what's the point, hair like that has its own magic, it would just grow back again overnight. Potter deludes himself that he's special, important - just because he's got a scar on his forehead, just because of some laughable prophecy by that alcoholic fraud, Sybill Trelawney. And clearly he believes that there is no such thing as bad publicity... he knew the Daily Prophet wouldn't publish his ramblings so he went to The Quibbler. That rag! And the editor, Lovegood, is simply deranged - he has no sense of public responsibility, no sense for the kind of story he should run past the Ministry before he rushes it into print. Nevermind, I have my eye on the daughter, "Loony" Lovegood they call her, and I've docked Ravenclaw quite a few points on her account, I don't imagine she's very popular with her House mates now - that'll teach her father to publish a fantastic tissue of lies with just enough truth in it for idiots to give it some credence ...

Bertha Jorkins did disappear in Albania, but there was nothing peculiar about that, Jorkins was a true Gryffindor because she definitely had more guts than brains - Albania is a dangerous place for a holiday, the Ministry is always having to rescue imbeciles who go wandering around there, clutching a copy of Voyages with Vampires and looking for "adventure". And Bartemius Crouch was certainly behaving very oddly last year, it must have been the strain of knowing that his Death Eater son had escaped from his house. Crouch hid his son all those years ... and to think he once had aspirations to be the Minister for Magic! No loyalty to the Ministry at all, he deserved what he got, murdered by his own son, a raving lunatic who believed that he was acting on his master's orders, yes, there's a smidgeon of truth in that part of the story. How Cedric Diggory died is still a little unclear, but Cornelius thinks that Karkaroff was behind it - not that we want that to come out, it's best if the public believe it was a tragic accident - Karkaroff probably only intended to stun Diggory to ensure that Durmstrang won the Tournament, but Karkaroff was a Death Eater, he got a bit carried away and he killed Diggory, and when he realised what he'd done, he bolted. He's probably hiding out now with Sirius Black, the Lestranges and the other Death Eaters who escaped from Azkaban.

Yes, Potter's story is the most ridiculous, the most ludicrous pile of steaming dragon dung The Quibbler has ever published – and that is really saying something! As if You Know Who, if he had servants like Sirius Black and Barty Crouch at his command, would have wasted a whole year on some convoluted scheme to kidnap Harry Potter, using the Tri-Wizard Cup as a Portkey, when they could have so easily snatched Potter from an outing to Hogsmeade, with a great deal less fuss and bother. Blood of the enemy, forcibly taken ... what nonsense! And it had to be Potter's blood of course, nothing else would do – in Potter's grandiose fantasies! And his story of duelling with You Know Who, actually duelling with him ... Merlin's beard, who could believe that, if You Know Who had really regained a body, if he had really summoned his Death Eaters, he wouldn't have taken any risks, he wouldn't have wasted any time – he would have ordered his Death Eaters to kill Potter. And it is hardly imaginable that they would have failed ... a dozen Dark wizards against one under-age boy, even if he has a lighting-shaped scar on his forehead, even if he is a Gryffindor!

And then she thinks of an idea that she's had for a while, an outrageous idea, so outrageous that she hardly dares to suggest it to Cornelius. Dumbledore threatened open insurrection against the Ministry – but he's hardly going to take on the Aurors with a handful of teenagers, no, he must have more powerful allies. She remembers the night that Dumbledore was driven out of Hogwarts - they'd thought to catch a minnow and they'd landed a pike - Dumbledore had boasted that he could break out of Azkaban ... could Dumbledore have had a hand in the escape of the Death Eaters? And she is sure that Harry Potter was meeting Sirius Black in the Gryffindor Common Room fire in October ... Harry Potter and Sirius Black, the Boy Who Lived and the Death Eater who betrayed his parents to You Know Who! What business could they have together? Unless Dumbledore is in league with the Death Eaters, and has been in league with them for some time ... and there's some mystery about how Black escaped the year before last, when he was captured at Hogwarts - Cornelius told me that Snape was ranting something about Potter being involved, Cornelius thought it was nonsense at the time but now he's not so sure ... Snape said Black had Confunded the boy, persuaded him that Black was innocent of complicity in the murders of his parents, and what did it say in The Quibbler, something about Pettigrew being alive, something about him framing Black for the deaths of those Muggles? ... it's a web of mystery but Dumbledore will be somewhere at the bottom of it. And was it then that Dumbledore first made contact with Black, was it then that he recruited him, was it then that he got the idea of seizing power by force?

And where does Snape fit into the picture? He's another one of these damned Death Eaters, he spied for Dumbledore in the war against You Know Who, but he must hate Dumbledore now, after being passed over for the Defence Against the Dark Arts position so many times, he applied again this year but Dumbledore wouldn't appoint him. Big mistake, Dumbledore, that's how the Ministry got its foot in the door here, and now I'm Headmistress! No, you won't be coming back to Hogwarts, Dumbledore, and I'll soon be rid of Hagrid and McGonagall as well, how dare she shout at me like that, for half the school to hear! That half-breed oaf Hagrid is useless, it will be easy to deal with him, unfortunately McGonagall is a competent teacher ... but I can promise you this, Dumbledore, Gryffindor will have a new Head of House next year, one of our people, someone from the Ministry, someone I can trust. Percy Weasley is far too young to consider for the position, which is a pity – his family are perfectly dreadful, Muggle-lovers and troublemakers - but he works very hard to make up for it, and Cornelius is pleased with him ... that Muggle-born girlfriend of his, Penelope something, wasn't doing his career any good, I'm glad I spoke to him about that.

She thinks, oh yes, Hogwarts will shortly have a new Head of Gryffindor, and a new Head of Slytherin, too, I don't like Snape, the surly brute, and I don't trust him, either, he'd be quite capable of playing both ends against the middle. I doubt that he limits his ambition to the Defence position, he'll be hoping that if he plays his cards right, he'll be the next Headmaster, the first Slytherin Headmaster since Phineas Nigellus. He must have his eyes on the Headmaster's office, why else would he have stayed here for so many years? According to Lucius, he's one of only half a dozen wizards in Europe capable of brewing the Wolfsbane Potion - handy for Dumbledore, when he hired that werewolf - so why else would he stay here? The pay is pitiful, of course it doesn't matter to me, I'm still drawing a Senior Undersecretary's salary. And Lucius speaks very highly of him, they're old school friends, he's got a powerful patron in Lucius ... oh what a pity there turned out to be nothing in the story about Snape being a vampire! Flitwick was just making mischief, just wasting my time, when he told me that Snape spends his summers hanging upside down in the dungeons. I really thought I had Dumbledore then – hiring the Big Three of Dark creatures, a giant, a werewolf and a vampire ... Dumbledore got away with the giant and the werewolf but he would have found it difficult to explain bringing a vampire into a school full of young girls, very difficult indeed - but Eldred Worple is the authority on vampires, and he told me that Snape isn't a vampire.

Misconduct with a student would be enough to get rid of him, but Warrington and Montague actually seemed quite shocked when I asked them about that, strange, they're Slytherins and seventh years so I would have expected them to be a little more worldly ... well, I had to ask, I have to satisfy myself that all of the staff are suitable, and Snape is the only wizard on the staff under sixty. I know what teenage girls are like, and he's not unattractive in a dark, brooding, gothic way - he'd have opportunities ... yes, it was very disappointing that line of inquiry turned out to be another dead end. Never mind, I've still got something I can use against Snape, Lucius can't know what's in Snape's Ministry file, it's confidential ... and Snape seems a bit sensitive about that, he didn't like it when I mentioned looking into teachers' backgrounds, no, he didn't like that at all, did he? Cornelius told me that he has a foul temper, and now I've seen it for myself ... yes, I'll string Snape along for the moment, I need him until the students sit for their examinations, but a copy of Snape's Ministry file circulated to the Board of Governors should do the trick, there are some very unpleasant things indeed in that file, one look at that file and I think Lucius Malfoy will be keen to distance himself from Severus Snape. Snape's students are quite surprisingly attached to him but they'll get over it, they're Slytherins, and Slytherins are pragmatic, sensible people - and they know which way the wind is blowing. Everyone knows that You Know Who was a Slytherin, everyone knows that most of his Death Eaters were Slytherins, and while there is any talk of You Know Who returning the Slytherins won't dare to be less than enthusiastic in showing support for the Ministry. The Ministry controls Hogwarts now, and the Slytherin students will all be good little boys and girls - mummy and daddy don't want a visit from Magical Law Enforcement, do they? I wonder where Snape lives when he's not at Hogwarts, perhaps I'll arrange for the Aurors to call in to see him, to have a little look around and see what they can find ... oh, that will teach him to show his temper to me, the nasty insolent bastard. And it won't be hard to replace him - I don't need a temperamental genius like Snape to teach basic potions to a bunch of kids, someone merely competent will do ...

The bell rings for the end of class, the Gryffindors scuttle out, and then she hears screams and yells reverberating from somewhere above her, sweet Merlin what is it this time? She runs up to the fifth floor corridor, where the commotion is the loudest, to find that it's been turned into a quagmire. Students trapped in their classrooms, Filch is having hysterics, screaming, how do you expect me to clean this up with a mop? Flitwick is just standing there at the other end of the corridor, being helpful, levitating students across the bog ... hell and damnation, what is Snape doing up here, why isn't he down in the dungeons where he belongs? And why doesn't Flitwick just wave his wand and get rid of the blasted swamp? Don't tell me that he can't - he's the Charms Professor and the Head of Ravenclaw! And then she remembers Marietta Edgecombe's spots, Madam Edgecombe is very upset and she is not without influence, and like hell Flitwick can't lift that charm ... she'd nearly choked with disbelief when Flitwick told her that he couldn't lift that charm! And what did he say about the fireworks? I could have got rid of the sparklers myself, of course, but I wasn't sure whether or not I had the authority. She thinks, and that's another one who'll be going, Flitwick will be out the door by the end of the year ... I'll find a way to sack him, it's suspicious how cheerful he is all the time, very suspicious, an addiction to Cheering Charms must be the explanation for that. An unhealthy dependency on mood-altering magic, that won't impress Cornelius - or the Board of Governors.

And Marietta Edgecombe's spots will be Miss Granger's work, of course Potter and his little friends were involved in organising that meeting, and if we hadn't been in such a hurry to arrest Dumbledore I think we might have been able to wring some very damaging admissions out of Potter ... oh yes, they were involved, all right. It would have been Granger who enchanted the parchment – Potter and Weasley don't have the brains to think of something like that - yes, that will be the work of McGonagall's favourite, the insufferable bushy-haired know-it-all. It used to make me sick to listen to McGonagall singing the praises of that little cow in the staff room ... McGonagall thinks Hermione Granger will be the first Muggle-born Minister for Magic! Not if I can prevent it, I will not allow the Ministry to be taken over by a nobody, a girl of no wizarding family ... and there's a scandal there, I'm certain of it, no Muggle-born could possibly have that much ability. Granger will be a half-blood, some wizard's bastard foisted on the Muggle husband - and it happens more often than you'd think, the way those shameless Muggle females flaunt themselves in short skirts and skimpy blouses.

But there's a silver lining to this cloud, Pansy Parkinson is telling her that Fred and George Weasley were seen by members of the Inquisitorial Squad, there are half a dozen witnesses, Filch amongst them. This is sweet! The Weasley twins caught redhanded - when she's never been able to give them so much as a detention before, though she knows it was them who were responsible for the fireworks - and they've been trapped in the Entrance Hall. She thinks, this provocation is the final straw, I can do it now, Cornelius won't object when I tell him how they've provoked me. I cannot have chaos at Hogwarts, I cannot permit a lack of discipline, it would reflect badly on the Ministry. She turns to Filch, tells him that he has approval for whipping, he'll find the forms in her desk drawer, and heads down towards the Entrance Hall.

Students, teachers and ghosts are standing all around the walls in a great ring, some of them covered in what looks like Stinksap, the Weasley twins are standing in the middle of the floor with the unmistakeable look of two people who have just been cornered, and that blasted poltergeist, Peeves, is bobbing overhead.

She stands on the stairs, looking down on them, and she says, "So – you think it amusing to turn a school corridor into a swamp, do you?"

One of the twins – she can't tell them apart – replies, "Pretty amusing, yeah," and she thinks, you'll be laughing out of the other side of your faces soon, my lads, very soon ... just because you've got a modicum of talent you think that the rules don't apply to you, but you're about to find out that things have changed around here!

Filch is waving an Approval for Whipping form under her nose, almost crying with happiness, "I've got the form, Headmistress. I've got the form and I've got the whips waiting ... oh, let me do it now."

"Very good, Argus," she replies, thinking, Filch will be completely in my pocket after this ... and a very useful ally he is, too, he may only be a miserable Squib but he knows all the secret passages and hidden corners of Hogwarts. And when their backs have been flayed into ribbons, these boys won't be so impudent, it will take more than a drop of Murtlap essence to salve their wounds after a good horsewhipping, oh this is going to be very enjoyable, pity I can't use crucio on them, but that would be going too far, I can't justify crucio for anything less than a matter of Ministry security.

She continues, "You two are about to learn what happens to wrongdoers in my school," and she thinks, Hogwarts is my school now, my school, and soon the teachers will be my staff, too, I'll be making a clean sweep of the senior staff positions - Sprout can stay, she's harmless - but I will be replacing the rest of them ... and I'm not a Gryffindor, there's no special treatment for Gryffindors any more, I'm a Hufflepuff, loyal to the Minister for Magic, loyal to the Ministry, and anyone who takes me on is taking on the whole Ministry.

The Weasley boys don't seem to be as abashed and frightened as she expected them to be, they blurt out some defiant nonsense, and then raise their wands and shout "Accio brooms!", and to her amazement their broomsticks – which had been securely pegged to the wall of her office - come hurtling into the Entrance Hall and stop sharply in front of their owners. They mount their broomsticks and shout some more defiance, something about opening up a business in Diagon Alley ...

"STOP THEM," she shrieks, but the Inquisitorial Squad are too slow and the Weasleys kick off from the ground fifteen feet into the air, shout, "Give her hell from us, Peeves!", wheel around and speed out of the open front doors of the Entrance Hall. There's a tremendous uproar, and she stares after them, vowing to make life as difficult for them as possible ... she'll have a word with Dawlish and some of her other connections in Magical Law Enforcement, if those horrible little swine are caught handling any Non-Tradable Substances they'll regret it, yes they will, they'll really regret it. And the Inquisitorial Squad will regret this, too, they'll regret being so useless and unreliable, they have wands, don't they - so why didn't they do something?