Disclaimer: I do not own X for Clamp does. The ghosts-have-white-suits belong to whoever came up with Randall and Hopkirk (deceased).
Author's Thanks: To LadyoftheBlackWings (Suby not going to the loony bin…hmm…that'd be hard to do XD), Kamui Shinken (Thank you!), DeathReanimated (Lovely name! sorry to have put you into a situation where exclamation points are your only release XD), Dreamydreamer (Thank you and I didn't celebrate Christmas, I celebrate Hannukah), Soulreciever (I'm glad there's another person who realizes just how ickle-uke Kamui was at that bit), Lunartick (thank you!), Tintangel (you felt embarrassed? Why?), Kakyou-chan (Thank you! I love you!), Gray Wings (Uke tactis rule Clamp's world and lead Kamui's life, the poor thing), to Ryutsuki from my LJ (Ghosts in the butcrack…hmm…inspiring….) and Teko (MY BELOVED! READ THE LATEST A NEW WORLD AND REVIEW IT!)
I have no excuse for not updating earlier other then having work and a new boyfriend. Forgive me. Cookies will be generously given during this chapter.
Part II – It's not that bad, is it?
"Seishiro-san! Stop doing that, at once!"
Since his lover's agonizing story took about twenty three hours, forty minutes and three seconds to tell (and that's only the time it took for Subaru to get to where he was now, it was not the full story), Seishiro began finding things to occupy his mind while Subaru piled more and more guilt-inducing information on his poor metaphysical brain.
At first, Seishiro tried to peep into the rooms nearby to see what the other Seals were doing. This led to Subaru screaming at him not to do that. The rooms neighboring Subaru's belonged to the happy inugami mistress and the silent miko, two people Subaru did not want to expose to the assasin's eyes.
Seishiro never knew the minimum time it took to consume a single pack of pocky was 4.5 minutes, nor did he wish to see the process needed for such quick consummation. But he saw it anyway, because he really didn't want to listen when Subaru told him about his attempted molestation of Subaru at Tokyo Tower, what it did to the poor boy and about the blackmail letters (pictures included) the cleaning lady who happened to be on the scene sent Subaru's grandmother.
"My god, she looked like the Cookie Monster just now!"
"Are you paying attention, Seishiro-san?"
"Sure, sure I do…"
Seishiro poked his head into Arashi's room.
Arashi was combing her hair.
Seishiro waited five minutes for the preening to be over and something more personal or more interesting would start happening.
Meanwhile he stared at Subaru and nodded, feeling the sides of his ghostly skull threaten to implode if another one of his nasty tricks was told to him. He poked his head into Arashi's room again.
Arashiwas combing her hair.
Seishiro returned his attention to his semi-widowed lover and kept the show going for ten minutes. Then poked his head in again.
Arashi was combing her hair.
Seishiro retracted his head. "She seems to have nothing better to do…."
"What!"
"Wha? Huh? What did you say?"
Subaru stomped his foot and rose towards Seishiro, a flush of ofuda ready in his palm, "What did you say about my grandmother!"
"Urp.." Seishiro blinked and backed up against the wall. "U-uh….I-I wasn't paying attention, Subaru-kun…" The onmyouji's eyes were starting to glow red, "B-because I was suddenly stuck by a bout of flashback, remembering what you just told me, I was distracted by horrid guilt for the damage I caused you when I did what you just said I did. Why? What were you saying about your Obaa-san….-sama-dono?"
Subaru's brows lowered on his brilliant jade eyes, making him look like a particularly angry version of an angry Sesame Street Bert. "I was telling you about the time you took me and Hokuto-chan to McDonalds for breakfast, what could have possibly gotten you so guilt ridden about that!"
Seishiro kicked his undead brain into action.
Placing his phantom palms on his lover's shoulders, he averted his eyes from the other man's and furrowed, "Think about it, Subaru-kun, McDonalds for breakfast? And that wasn't even before the Supersize Me movie was out; it was before McDonalds started to actually make healthy food. I was horrified at my lack of concern for your arteries' condition…"
"It's 1999, Seishiro-san, Supersize Me isn't even out yet…."
"Y-yes, but that doesn't make 1991's McDonalds' food any healthier, does it?"
"Hmph."
"No, what was it that you said about your precious Obaa-sama-dono, Subaru-san?"
Subaru walked back to his chair and plopped into it, crossing his arms on his chest and shooting the ghost a poisonous glare, "I said she kept warning me about the Sakurazukamori clan and how I should never remove my gloves."
Seishiro retracted from his memory the gist of their conversation so far to recall what he had said after that. "Ah yes, and I said 'she seems to have nothing better to do'….Well, she doesn't…"
Subaru pulled the ofuda out again.
That did it for Seishiro, "Oh, come on, Subaru-kun! What do you want me to say about the woman who cast that pesky little spell on your gloves so that whenever I sedated you and tried to molest you it'd lash out at me and stop you from sating my hand fetish?"
"You have a hand fetish, Seishiro-san?"
"N-no…"
"…."
"…shit…"
"You're a pervert; are you aware of that, Seishiro-san?"
"Shut up."
"You're a pervert. You are a pedophiliac, hand fetish infested pervert."
"Hey, I may get off from hands and gloves and gloved hands and fingers and fingernails and….oh damn, I'm running my mouth….never mind, whatever! I'm no Humbert Humbert!"
"Yes you are."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not!"
Sorata knocked on Subaru's door. He went unheard and presumed the onmyouji was asleep. Therefore, he took the basket of folded laundry and entered Subaru's room.
The onmyouji got up and, pointing his finger at Seishiro (who was standing with his back to the door) screamed, "I was underage and you admitted you tried to molest me! That makes you a pedophiliac pervert you….you….pedophiliac pervert; oh, hello Sorata-san."
The monk took a moment to recover before he remembered his little conversation with Kamui.
The two of them decided that ignoring Subaru's delirium was the best way to cooperate with the man's new habit of raving and talking to himself.
He braced the laundry basket and, very slowly, walked to Subaru's table which stood by his closet, and began pulling Subaru's things out of there.
"Oh look, it's the tactless twit of a monk."
"He's not tactless, Seishiro-san, he just needs to better learn how to socialize. He lived all his life amongst monks; what could have prepared him for the existence of real-life society?"
Sorata stopped folding Subaru's undershirts and shot a glance at Subaru across his shoulder, "Are you talking to me, Subaru-san?"
"I'm talking to Seishiro, about you."
"Ah, right."
"He says you're a tactless twit. I say you're not."
"And has absolutely no sense of fashion; say I said he has no sense of fashion, Subaru-kun."
"Seishiro-san also told me to tell you that he thinks you have no sense of fashion."
Sorata sighed, darting his eyes to the spot where this legendary Seishiro stood. "He said that, did he?"
"Ah, finally someone who listens to me. Tell him that I don't hold it against him, though bright yellow can grow rather tedious on the eyes. Tell him that it's completely excusable that he has no sense of fashion since he's only a straight man and straight men are known to be inferior in these departments."
Subaru conveyed the message to Sorata.
Having finished his laundry duty at Subaru's room and having nothing better to do, also since he wanted to evaluate Subaru's condition better, Sorata turned around and decided to play along. "Oh, really? So, I have no sense of fashion because I'm straight, right?"
"Yup. I mean, come on, wearing your hat with the cap backwards? That's so early 90's, where did you live until now, in a cave?"
Subaru repeated the ghost's speech.
"I see. How would you recommend I dress then, Sakurazuka-san?"
"A paper bag on your head would make you look ever so better."
"I'm not saying that, Seishiro-san. I'm not having you insult my fellow Seals, sorry."
"What? What did he say?"
"I'm not going to repeat it."
"Oh, Subaru-kun, you're no fun anymore."
"What did he say?"
Subaru sighed, "He said a paper bag on your head would make you look ever so better."
Sorata stared at Subaru. He looked back at the laundry basket. "Right. And next time you feel like putting these things," the monk held a heart-shaped front g-string before the onmyouji, "into the common laundry bin, think again." He threw the thing back on Subaru's desk and left the room in a huff.
"Awww, you kept the g-string, Subaru-kun, I'm touched." Yes, he was touched. So touched his heart started beating faster, his face started flushing; he was crying. "Oh no, I'm NOT growing mushy now, I AM NOT!"
The corner of Subaru's lip twitched with what can only be described as a sneaky smirk. He got up, casting his eyes at the floor, placing a theatrical palm on his chest.
"Of course I kept it. I kept everything Seishiro-san ever gave me. I kept that stupid false compatibility test we got at Sunshine 60, I kept the cigarette box you sent me to buy at the karaoke place, I kept every receipt from every tube of hand cream I ever had to buy because of you."
A tremor rampaged across Seishiro's ethereal body; he tried to fight it but he couldn't. "S-Subaru-kun….y-you…y-you really love me, don't you….you saved everything I ever gave you…..t-that's so sweeet…..Aww, Subaru-kun." He threw himself at the onmyouji to hug the man and ended up going straight through him and into the chair behind the man.
"Oh, good heavens, I sound like a lovesick junior high school girl...WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO ME, SUBARU-KUN!"
Subaru chased his ghostly lover around the room. With every step he took towards the phantom, Seishiro took a frightened step back.
"When I heard your name, or thought about you, whenever you were near me, I felt warm," he placed his palms, one atop the other, where his heart was, "right heeeeere."
"Aww….. ENOUGH! ENOUGH OF THIS TORTURE! I AM NOT TURNING INTO A MUSHY-MUSHY HAPPY GOO BECAUSE YOU'RE SHOWING SENTIMENTS, SUBARU-KUN! I am a cold-hearted, emotionless bastard! I hurt you and watch you twitch with sadistic delight, I am not going to start going teary eyed because you try to pull a Happy Come On volume 2 on me!"
"I love you, Seishiro-san; you are someone special to me…"
"Don't start talking with that Clamp-have-no-balls-enough-to-make-one-man-admit-he-loves-another-man-so-they-use-metaphore-and-code-names language with me!"
"You were the one person I did not want to be angry with me."
The ghost grabbed at its hair, pulling it, "Noooo! I will not give in! I will not give in!"
The room became quiet as the two men stared at each other, one with horror and the other with anticipation.
"I loved you too, Subaru-kun; I loved you sooo muuuuuuuch." The ghost went tumbling on its knees, wrapping its metaphysical arms around the living man's legs.
The smirk on Subaru's lips was full blown.
Sorata walked back into the dorm unit's living room, sighing with exasperation.
"Well?" Kamui, who was busy making dinner with Yuzuriha, left his assignment and walked up to the monk, "How is he?"
"He's one onigiri short of a bento."
Kamui blinked.
"What?"
"That's my line…."
Sorata blinked.
"What?"
"What what?"
Kamui sighed, he was used to it though, so he pulled himself together immediately. "You said 'he's one onigiri short of a bento,'" He Who Wields the Authority of God explained slowly, "and since I didn't understand what you said I asked 'what?'"
"Ah! I was trying to Japan-ise the phrase 'one sandwich short of a picnic basket'."
Kamui fought back the glare he was going to give the monk. "Sorata, since when do you show signs of sophistication?"
"What do you mean?"
"I mean you're usually a tactless twit who says things the way they are and does not try to fancy them up, is all."
"Oh, so I'm just a dumb, thick headed, fashion-senseless man who's every fault relates to the sole fact that he prefect chicks over guys? Is that it? Well, excuse me, mister Superior Homosexual, but that's the way I was born! Deal with it!"
Kamui blinked and finally unleashed that glare at his comrade, "It seems that everyone here are hell-bent on the idea that I'm gay! After all I've been through because of Kotori's death, you still think I preferred her brother? Why!"
"Oh please, the poor girl was more masculine than you, Kamui; give us all a break and stop pretending. We accept you just the way you are; a cranky, angsty, attention-addict, codependent, hot-headed, impish, awkward, not-so-good-in-school, aloof, Prima Donna, homosexual. With you choosing to be the Dragon of Heaven and incidentally being our leader, it's not like we have any choice other than accepting you."
"You are a tactless twit Sorata." Yuzuriha called from the kitchen.
"O-oops…"
"Sorata…"
"Yes, Kamui?"
"Remember the time you came to my sickbed after Saiki wounded me…"
"Yes?"
"And you pissed me off…"
"Yes…"
"And I wanted to kick your ass and at the last minute I decided against it?"
"Y-yes?"
"I'm beginning to regret that."
"Oh."
The two youths stared at each other.
"Sorata…"
"Yes?"
"That was your cue to get the hell out of here before I kick your ass for that time and for what you just said…"
"Oh, right, right. Well, it seems I have better things to do now, bye bye!" The monk ran up the stairs and into his room faster than you can say 'OMG! AxAA IS NOW OFFICIALLY CANON!(1)'
"Wow, Kamui," Yuzuriha came out of the kitchen to Kamui's side, the wok she was stir-frying dinner with still in her hand, "those anger management courses you're taking are really helping you."
"Yeah, I know." Kamui beamed at her.
Five minutes later he blew up a pillow with his ki.
"I can't touch things, I can't be seen or heard by anyone other than you, I go through things like I'm air and I'm stricken by emotions! This bites! I know I've been a pricky bastard, but is this really the punishment I deserve?" Seishiro whimpered.
He placed himself on the bathroom floor, curled up with his knees drawn under his chin, his hands covering his face.
"But at least I've got you around me, Subaru-kun, to cheer me up."
"Get out of here, Seishiro-san, get out of here now."
"Aww, but why, Subaru-kun?"
"Because I'm taking a shower and I will not have you lurking here like a dead peeping tom!"
"But it's fun."
"Get out!"
"No."
"Seishiro-san, get out, now!"
"Make me."
Going through doors and walls finally proved as efficient for Seishiro as he avoided the hailstorm of ofuda Subaru sent at him. While the paper spells became attached to the bathroom door, Seishiro walked right through it, unharmed.
Subaru came bursting through the door, his shirt and pants still behind him in the bathroom, brandishing ofuda flushes in each hand.
Whoosh, "You are not getting away with such behavior, Seishiro-san!" Whoosh, "There's only some extent to which I'm going to sit back," whoosh, "and let you hover around me!" Whoosh, "I have a life, you know, Seishiro-san," brand new set of flushed ofuda, "and I've been trying very hard to get back on track since your death and make some progress beyond you," whoosh, "and you're not going to just waltz in here," whoosh, "and demand that I go back to my Seishiro-san-obsessed self," whoosh, "by constantly running around me!" Whoosh, "I'm going to get on with my life," whoosh, "even if it means I'll exorcise you!" Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh.
"Is everything all right, Sumeragi-san?" Arashi, who volunteered to be the 'walk in on Subaru once in a while to see just how bad he is so we can complete that form the mental hospital told us to fill out' tonight, asked as she walked in on a half naked Subaru and a room absolutely covered by ofuda.
"Ah, yes, Kishuu-san. I'm so sorry you have to see me like this, but, you see, Seishiro-san was trying to peep on me taking a shower and I was giving him an earful for it."
Arashi nodded and stayed calm, politely averting her eyes from Subaru's exposed chest, thus earning many a 'ZOMFG! I WANT TO BE ARASHI NOW!1!1!' from a million (or more) fangirls out there in the real world, "I see."
"I was also telling him that I'm going to start moving on with my life beyond grieving for him."
"Of course you are, Sumeragi-san, good for you. Good luck with that."
"Thank you, I appreciate your support. Stop poking your head into her, Seishiro-san, it's not polite."
"I'm trying to see where she keeps that sword of hers."
"It's none of your business where her sword's at and that's not a decent place to stick your head into, Seishiro-san!"
Arashi's cool was beginning to wear off.
Now, when we speak of Arashi's cool we must imagine, say, Antarctica and all its glacial landscape to better assess the extent and might of said cool.
This slight wear of her cool was like a tiny crack in one of the smaller glaciers, right under the foot of a penguin out for a nice swim in the icy sea, in search of some tasty fish to bring to its chick waiting for him on its mother's feet.
What the papa-penguin does not know is that beyond the rim of the (now slightly cracked) rim of the glacier on which he is standing is a killer whale, or, as the scientists prefer to call it; a very, very big predator, who is also very hungry and a penguin the size of papa-penguin will make a wonderful meal. So, dear readers, take a deep breath and shout at the screen, "No, papa-penguin! Don't go fishing just yet, the chick and your wife be damned! You value your life, do you not!"
But this has very little to do with the plot of this fic, other than the dead Seishiro's obsession with penguins (and hands, apparently, but those two obsessions are not on the same level because, as perverted as Seishiro was, he was not that perverted) and so we'll go back to the conversation between Subaru and Arashi:
"Goodnight, Subaru-san."
"Goodnight, Kishuu-san, and I'm sorry I troubled you."
"Yes, next time please try to shout a little more quietly, all right?"
"Yes, yes, of course. If you keep distracting me by calling her a frigid virgin, Seishiro-san, I'll really start throwing ofuda at you!"
The iceberg under papa-penguin's feet cracked completely and the poor aquatic bird was cast into the icy water, directly into the very, very big predator's hungry jaws.
Let us have a moment of silence in memory of papa-penguin and his poor orphaned baby-penguin and lonely widowed mama-penguin.
…
"I was meaning to say something about those ofuda, Sumeragi-san. The cleaning lady's going to have a lot of trouble peeling all of them off the walls and furniture tomorrow morning, try to be more considerate of members of the working class."
"I have no mercy for cleaning ladies, Kishuu-san."
Arashi left. The ice cracked under mama-penguin and baby-penguin and they soon joined their father and husband in the whale's belly.
"Where do you get all those ofuda from, anyway? It must take you days to make all of them. I was trying to examine your clothes to see where you're hiding them; a man can only have so many pockets on him." Seishiro inquired.
"I'm four-dimensional (2)."
"….ah…."
"I've been meaning to ask you something, Seishiro-san."
"If by talking to me you're going to stay in nothing but your boxers, then fire away."
Subaru brushed the comment away and spoke on, "Why me?"
"Eh?"
"Of all the onmyoujis in the world, of all the Sumeragi out there, you had to fall in love with me."
"I believe that Casablanca tribute aught to be coming from me."
"How so?"
"Of all the parks in the world, of all the sakura trees in Ueno Park, why did you have to come to my tree?"
"It was the only tree possessed by angry spirits, Seishiro-san. Being an onmyouji, I had to do something about it."
"Ah, that brings back memories. You were so sweet in that cute little shikifuku of yours…"
"Have I mentioned you are a pedophile before, Seishiro-san?"
"Stop that already, you were not underage at that time."
"I was not! I was nine years old!"
"I meant in the Year of the Bet, Subaru-kun."
"I was sixteen, that's underage too."
"Ah, yes, but it's the age of consent, isn't it?"
Subaru sighed and covered his face with his hand, trying to rub the pain out of his temples.
"Seishiro-san, why me?"
"Ah, you already asked that question a moment ago. Is your memory going?"
"Why did you choose to possess me, me of all people!"
"That's a rather stupid question, don't you think, Subaru-kun?"
"You could have stayed in the background and just watched me without having to make your presence known!"
"I wanted to be an incubus and molest you at night, but some, rather bitchy, angels decided against it. What can I do about it?"
"Yes, but….you could have vanished the moment you realized I could see you; why didn't you just leave me alone? Now everyone thinks I'm mad! As we speak, they're sitting in the kitchen, filling out a form to get me hospitalized in a loony bin! And it's all your fault!"
"Ah! I see you've mastered the art of making shiki invisible to esoteric Buddhists' eyes."
"Answer me."
"Who said you had to talk back to me? It's not my fault I panicked because I noticed you can see me and I couldn't help panicking because I now have emotions thanks to that stupid death thing!"
"Oh, so now I'm to blame!"
"Damn right you are! You don't see Light Yagami raving on to Ryuuk in the middle of the damn street, do you? The moment you know you're possessed by something not everyone knows about, you don't talk to that someone when others are around you!"
"You're mentioning characters from stuff that isn't out yet again, Seishiro-san. This isn't a Leareth fic, may I remind you."
"You aught to be thankful, you know, for only having me and not something much worse."
Subaru, who was now the one to curl up on the floor in a state of misery, "What could possibly be worse than this!"
"Bah! Have you ever read Hikaru No Go? You could have been like that poor boy and be possessed by a make-up using Go-obsessed uke!"
Subaru glared at Seishiro. He got up and walked to the bathroom, placing a barrier on the door before entering and turning the key in the lock three times.
Seishiro stared at the barrier for a while, exasperated. "You know I can walk through walls too, Subaru-kun."
No answer.
Seishiro walked through the wall to the left, took a right turn and walked right into a very wet, very naked Subaru.
"Hello, Subaru-kun! My, you better lay off the boiling water, your perfect skin is getting all pink and red."
Subaru screamed in horror.
"Do you think we aught to go check up on that?" Yuzuriha asked, raising her eyes from the administrating form.
The four young Seals exchanged looks.
"Nah, the more we talk to him is the more we encourage him."
"Do you know if Subaru has sensitivity to any sort of medication?" The Seals shook their heads. Arashi moved to the next checkbox in the list, "Has any sleeping problems?"
"Does calling for help because a dead man is trying to molest him counts as a sleeping disorder?" sighed Yuzuriha, who was the one woken up that night to the screams Subaru emitted.
"Do you think they'll give him shock treatment first or put him in one of them padded rooms for a while to see how he's doing? And if he'll never recover, do you think they'll give him a lobotomy?"
"….You're a tactless twit, Sorata."
"…Uke."
Boom.
(tbc)
(1) A cookie to anyone who knows what I'm talking about.
(2) A cookie to anyone who knows where that's from.