Fire Emblem: Revenge of the Dan

By DarthMarth

Chapter the Seventeenth-The End

Maurice's hooves clacked deafeningly on the stone-tiled floor of the temple built around the Dragon's Gate as Eliwoods led the party deep inside.

"Onward, men and women! Onward to victory! VICTORY!" Eliwoods coughed softly; it was at least the tenth time he'd shouted his rallying cry.

"With all due respect, Eliwoods, shut up," Lyn said, panting at the exertion of charging through the corridor for so long.

"I must say, some of the drama of this moment has faded," Danske admitted.

"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?" Nector pestered.

Eliwoods stroked his nonexistent beard for a moment. "Hm...halt, men! And women!" He held up a leafy hand and the party stopped. "Clearly some manner of devious hex has been laid on this corridor! By Maurice's reckoning, we've traveled over twelve gnuh's!" Noticing the blank stares, he continued. "Moose unit of measurement. Roughly a fiftieth of a league. Athos! What do you make of this?"

The ancient mage approached him, the only non-mounted of the party who wasn't winded due to his having teleported. He stroked his very-much-existent beard as his staff glowed softly. "Mmmmm...mmmmm-mmmmm... Sorry, I was eating an orange." He tossed a peel aside. "Hmmmmmm...I believe that Nergal has laid some kind of insidious plot device—I mean, curse on this hallway to make it continue thusly. I should be able to break it within a fortnight."

"Then we beseech thee to do so, mighty Athos," Eliwoods said. The Archsage knelt and meditated. "The rest of you: prepare yourselves!"

The tacticians three sat apart from the party, shielding Dan's player's guide from view of the other units. "Okay, this is it," Dan told his sister and sibling. "We have to fight morph versions of lots of old bosses. We get to use the lords, Nils, seven other units, plus Athos."

"In short: let's do this," Danielle added.

"Right," Dankse confirmed. "I say we use Dan, Thtupidsh, Wil, Cerk, Bartre, Ike, and Dart."

"Uh, okay, whoever they are," Dan said. "Go me!" The tacticians confirmed his decision with fist-bumps before getting up to return to the rest of the troops.

"Wil..." Astrid said, tearing up. "This is really it...we're fighting Nergal. What...what if one of us doesn't make it?"

Wil held her close. "Astrid...I will always be there to protect you. Well, unless they kill me. So...don't get your hopes up. I have to go restring my bow, wish me luck!" He ran off without another word.

Florina held the Durandel out in front of her, trying unsuccessfully to stop her heart from racing. This is really it. The day I've been training for...I hope I'm strong enough. She took a deep breath and went through some practice forms. I can do this...everyone is counting on me...I can do this...

"Florina!" Eliwood exclaimed; she stopped suddenly. The Lord was dressed in his normal garb once more, the picture of heroism. "There you are! The tacticians are sending me in, since I'm the rightful wielder of the Durandel and all. Thanks for taking care of my sword all this time. I've been beefing up with Bartre's help so Dan will use me. Wish me luck!" He took the sword from her hands and walked off, giving it a few practice swings.

She stood there for several minutes, speechless. ...what now?

"Well, whoever-you-are, looks like this will be our last hurrah, for better or worse," Dan said. He had to tilt his head back and speak loudly to reach Thtupidsh, who was currently the top of a bizarre human tower consisting of him doing chin-ups from a high iron bar, Wallace (in full armor) holding onto his legs and doing chin-ups, and Dart doing chin-ups from Wallace's legs. The burly trio relished this exercise whenever they managed to find a tree branch that could support their combined weight.

"You can thay thag againg," Thtupidsh replied, nodding and breathling completely normally.

"Uh, no thanks," Dan muttered, practicing with his swords.

Nearby, Cerk sat with his nose in a thick elder magic book. "Bartre, are you acquainted with this Nixlzod spell?" he asked the nearby axeman/mage-type.

Bartre held an even thicker book in each hand and was somehow reading one with each eye. "Hm? Yes. Intimately. Are you acquainted with the epic of Helmheim and Troja?" He held one book up slightly. "The fairy tales of Ackelm?" He held up the other book.

"...no." Cerk shuffled off with his tome, rendered speechless yet again by the inexplicable crazy-man.

"Uh...Danske?" Ike asked, walking up to his tactician. "After this is all over, how do we get back to saving Tellius?"

"Oh, don't worry about that," Danske replied. "My sister recommended someone to me to take care of things."

Somewhere in Tellius, some soldiers used lances to pry open a man-sized crate. Inside, a shadowy figure dipped its beak in water...

"Success!" Athos cried before any more side conversations could occur. The hallway ahead seemed to shorten considerably and a doorway became visible ahead.

"Onward, men and women! Onward to victory! VICTORY!" Eliwood held the Durandel forward with his mysteriously-restored strength and reared up on Maurice, who brayed atonally. He then charged forward to victory! ...or not.

They slowed to a walk as they entered the enormous hall containing the Dragon's Gate. They hadn't been here since after chapter 19.

"Uuuuggggh, not those stairs again!" Wil groaned. After a long corridor, several hundred steps led up to the gate, which pulsed ominously. At the bottom of the stairs stood a dark figure—Nergal.

"Welcome, fools," Nergal cackled. "You've found me at last. Come to watch my final victory?"

"The game is up, Nergal! You're screwed!" Dan shouted across the hall.

Nergal laughed more heartily than anyone would have expected from a five-hundred-year-old. "On the contrary, my former minion!" Everyone gasped. "I was going to send my supreme morphs at you one by one, but then I had a flash of brilliance and realized they might actually stand a chance if they all attacked at once. Have fun!"

Dan had no time to think about what Nergal had said; the six doors in the hall opened at once and familiar-looking morphs emerged.

"This isn't in the guide anywhere!" Danielle shouted, flipping furiously though the player's guide.

Lyn turned to Dan. "Here they come! What do we do!?"

"RUN AWAY!"

The entire party bolted back down the hallway, with the fliers carrying some slower units.

"Any semblance of a plan?" Eliwood asked Dan, riding alongside him.

"I think so," the tactician answered. "I need Priscilla and Matthew!"

A sixtieth of a fortnight later, Matthew, Sainzilla, and Prikarel were at the front of the line of cowards (they couldn't decide which one he'd meant).

"Matthew, I need you to visit the secret shop in the ruins and get a Life Staff, then meet me and Priscilla as soon as possible."

"Ignoring the fact that you keep getting Sainzilla's name wrong, what are you planning!?"

"Something I never thought it would come to," the tactician said grimly. He turned around. "Meanwhile, mobile units: distract the super-morph guys as long as you can!"

"What about zombie Uhai?" Fiora asked worriedly. She was answered with a shrug from Dan and sighed.

A fortnight later, Dan and Prikarel returned to the site of his epic battle with Sucram. The latter was still confused at actually being used ever since the spirit shuffle incident, since Dan wouldn't say what he was planning.

"Almost there. Now would you stop following me and get Priscilla!?"

"I am Priscilla! It's a long story..." Karel's voice said.

"I'll believe it when you use a Life staff."

"On whom?"

"...him," Dan muttered. They were standing over Sucram's corpse.

Matthew finally came running up. "Alright, I got the staff, now what...no." He stared down at the corpse in front of him.

"Yes," Dan sighed. "Whoever-you-are, revive him. I hope this works..."

Prikarel took the staff and held it over the fallen paladin. "Plot device! ...sorry, I have no idea where that came from."

As the staff shone, Sucram was raised back to life as usual. He opened his eyes...

"YOU AGAIN!" He picked up a sword and attacked Dan, who easily parried. Having been dead can mess with your concentration, after all.

Dan managed to disarm his three-time opponent. "Wait! I'm not trying to kill you anymore."

"Well, that's a switch. That...story...will forever haunt my memories."

Dan was naturally confused; he'd been a morph the second time he'd killed Marcus. "What story?"

"Nevermind that," Matthew hastily interrupted. "Dan, what's your master plan?"

"Marcus...since you seem to be him once again, not Sucram...I need you."

"Somehow I find that hard to believe," the paladin scoffed.

"No, for serious!" Dan handed him a silver lance. "After all my attempts to kill you, I need you to take this and go do what you do best!"

Marcus stared at the weapon for a moment. His expression briefly became unreadable before reverting to his usual battle-hardened one. "...thank you." Without warning, he somehow grew a new horse between his legs in a process too grotesque to describe, then rode off.

"Godspeed, Marcus; godspeed," Dan said. "What am I doing..."

Back at the Dragon's Gate, the battle was not going well. The fliers were doing their best to avoid the superpowered morphs, with Heath attempting to distract Uhai with his Delphi Shield. Powerful as they were, the morphs seemed slow-minded and were easily distracted.

"Me eat quintessence..." morph Brendan moaned, chasing after Fiora.

"Sure you do, zombie-Brendan." The falcoknight half-rode, half-flew away from him...straight into morph Lloyd. "Ahhh! Fear my weapon advantage!" She raised her silver lance, but he soon split into five copies, each with a Regal Blade. "Oh, flurn."

"Ha-HAH!" Marcus came up the hall from behind at full speed, skewering all five Lloyds in succession and picking up the real Regal Blade as he went.

Fiora almost fell off her Pegasus. "...sir Marcus!?"

"Don't steal my kills!" he shouted back as he threw the Regal Blade like a boomerang to decapitate morph Brendan.

Half a fortnight of ridiculous violence later, Marcus had eliminated all the morphs and gained *gasp* one strength! 10 more and he'll be decent!

Back at the entrance to the gate chamber, Dan hung an improvised medal around Marcus' neck. "Thank you, Marcus, you saved us all, blah blah blah, now go ride into the ocean or something. Everyone else: onward!"

"VICTORY!" Eliwood cried reflexively, leading the party back to the gate.

Just behind him, Dan shared his player's guide with his siblings again. "Okay, let's send Cerk and Athos with Luna against Nergal. He should be pretty easy."

"Right! Go team!" They exchanged fist bumps again as they reentered the inner chamber.

Nergal was waiting for them, unsurprisingly. "Hello, fools. I got bored waiting for you all to stop being cowards, so I summoned a bunch of dragons. Have fun!" He raised his hands and dozens of dragons charged down the stairs around him.

Dan threw his player's guide onto the floor, not even bothering to hide it. "Why is nothing following the guide!?"

Eliwoods reared up and raised the Durandel. "Fear not, party! We shall prevail...some...how..." He turned and had Maurice bolt out of the room.

Athos stepped forward to face them. "Hold a moment. My plot device-sense is tingling!"

"Your what?" Lyn asked.

As if to confirm his assertion, Brammimond materialized in front of them. "Plot device!" He raised his hands and gathered blinding energy in them. In a flash, Ninian rematerialized in front of them.

"Ninian!" Eliwood shouted. "You're not dead! ...wait, when were you dead?"

"Plot hole!" Athos answered.

Now Ninian raised her hands. "Plot device!!" The dragons—who, of course, hadn't reached them yet during the plot devices—were suddenly encased in ice. When it shattered, all but one of them collapsed.

Eliwood dismounted and walked up to her. "Uh, you couldn't possibly take care of that last one, could y—oh, drat." She fell into his arms lifelessly. (And romantically, of course)

In unison, the three lords charged at the remaining dragon with legendary weapons in hand. Before they could reach him, Cerk was engulfed in a magic circle and cast Luna at the beast—twice. It collapsed without a mark on it.

"Seriously, guys, this thing should be a legendary weapon," the sage/druid said.

"NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!" Nergal cried. "Curse you aaaaallll! Now, give me a moment to concoct a new evil plot to take over the world...hrrk!" He gasped as a thin lance emerged through his chest. "Oh, bugger." He collapsed to the ground to reveal Florina standing behind him.

"S-See!? I helped! I helped!!" the would-be heir of Roland stammered. "Didn't you all see me help!?"

"Sorry, Nergal's oversized robe was in the way," Lyn said.

Florina fell to her knees and screamed as dramatically as possible. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (you get the idea)

Ignoring the still-screaming Florina, Lyn walked up to Hectas. "Well, I guess it's over."

"No, Lyn," the lord/druid countered, taking his hood down. "I think we're just getting started..."

Lyn stared at him. "What are you talking about? We just killed Nergal and stopped him from unleashing dragons into the world! Of course it's over!"

"Right, right. Silly me."

Nearby, Sainzilla approached Athos. "Lord Athos, is there any way you could help us get our old bodies back? I miss the dashing cavalier I used to be..."

"Sorry, can't help, about to die. Huuuugh..." Without another word, the sage collapsed lifelessly and dramatically into Sainzilla's arms.

"Flurn."

Heart racing, Wil approached Astrid, who was celebrating the victory with some friends from Tellius. "See, Astrid, I told you I'd make it! ...I think."

She ran up to him. "Wil, you were wonderful! The way you ran away from those morphs and screamed like a little girl...it truly inspired me."

The sniper was turning red. "So anyway, I have to ask you something...Astrid, will you marry me?"

"Wil, I...I'm already engaged. I thought you knew...I thought we were just friends...Wil?" She tried shaking his shoulders; he was frozen, rigid as a board, with an expression of disbelief on his face. "Oh well. I liked him."

"Ninian," Eliwood said, approaching the dancer on one knee. "I know I probably should have gotten around to this earlier, but there was the whole slavery thing and all...what I'm trying to say is, I love you, and—"

"Sorry can't talk have to go home bye!" Before he could even get up, she and Nils disappeared through the Dragon's Gate, which promptly closed FOREVAR behind them.

As if on cue, Fiora approached him. "Eliwood, I'm so sorry...Eliwood?" She waved a hand in front of his face. The lord had frozen as well.

Elsewhere the three tacticians had gathered. Dan put a hand on each sibling's shoulder. "Danielle...Danske...thank you for bringing me back to life and helping me beat Nergal. My player's guide ends here, so I guess how I spend the rest of my life is up to me. I don't care too much, as long as it's with you guys."

Danielle smiled. "Aw, thanks Dan."

"But I've been wondering something...all that stuff people keep saying about me being Nergal's servant or something... It's not really true, is it?"

"Uh, no, of course not!" To cover up her nervous smile, Danielle promptly knocked Dan unconscious with her dagger, catching him as he slumped to the ground.

"You don't seriously expect to keep it from him forever, do you?" Danske asked.

"I can try! I mean, with Sir Squawk on both of our quests, we don't have to return to them."

Several weeks later...

Marcus limped up to the balcony of the Castle Daein, carrying the 'mad king' Ashnard's brutally serrated sword in both hands. As he stepped out over the seemingly endless, cheering crowd awaiting him below, all the trials and pain of his quest melted away. Thanks to his marvelous swimming mount, riding into the ocean had brought him to not one, but two adventures. He had saved Tellius single-handedly, no thanks to that ridiculous bird. And unlike with Magvel, this time he was sure he would get the recognition and fame he deserved. He heard the voice of the crowd, united as one...

"All hail Sir Squawk, savior of Tellius! SIR SQUAWK!!!"

Not again. Flurn this, he thought, turning away. I need a drink.

"Yeah, they'll be fine," Danielle said. She saw everyone's favorite (and only) battlemage approaching them. "Will! Are you leaving?"

"Yeah," he said. "I need to seriously beef up my skills and arsekickery in the arena if I'm going to meet my goal: becoming the Fire Emblem representative in the next Super Smash Bros.!" He immediately wavedashed and rolled away, jumping in midair several times for good measure.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Tellius, the three-worshippers were three-worshipping in their triangular hut. Artur was hopping up and down three times, pausing, then repeating. Dozla was hoarsely laughing.

"Gwa-ha-ha. Gwa-ha-ha. Gwa-ha-ha. Gwa-ha-ha. Gwa-I-miss-Lady-L'Arachel-ha-ha."

Meanwhile, the third member of the group was missing. Suddenly, Lute burst in, her face completely white.

"What is it...my lady lemons?" Artur had been reduced to speaking only in groups of three words. At the moment he was fond of 'lemons' and 'face' to fill gaps.

"I...have just had a horrible revelation," Lute gasped. "The most perfect number is not truly three, but...four." Her companions froze like Wil and Eliwoods, their mouths gaping open in shock.

Well, that's it. No further meaningless questions that wouldn't be answered anyway.

Nector: Hey, you can pose these guys like life-size dolls! It's super-awesome!

Eliwood: ...

Wil: ...

Danske: Oh, and in case anyone was wondering, I'm a guy. Sorry about the confusion.

Cerk: 500 gold, pay up!

Eddie: FLURN!

Will: Hey guys, check out my neutral B attack! HuuuuuuuuuuuuuuAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGHHHHH!!!

Everyone: *applause*

Will: Thank you, thank you! I'm aiming for tier zero!

Well, folks, that's it! I'm currently throwing ideas around for a prequel; stay tuned.