From the Author's Mind (Updated June 2011):

This is the final chapter of the crackfic that I hope you've enjoyed reading up to now. It wasn't originally planned to be a part of the story, but then I decided I wanted a little bit of an epilogue and stuff.

Chapter 17: The Final Trip

FINAL HOUSEPOINT TOTALS: TBA

Second Monday in June

Sunny days and warm breezes kept Whitestone looking as beautiful as it had been when Ms. Bitters had released Blue Earth upon it. The students relaxed and spent time with their friends, trading contact information for the summer. There was only one more day of "classes" and that was only to find the results of the exams. Tuesday would be their departure, and everyone already had plane tickets in hand. However, when they awoke Monday morning, their lives took one final turn for the weird.

"Good morning, Harry," said Peaches, cheerfully serving Harry's entire table bowls of various cereals. "I hope you're all ready to hear your exam results!"

"I'm shaking with anticipation," Hermione said, and indeed her hand tremor was so bad she was having issues feeding herself. "I just hope I did really good in Intro to Magic…"

"Hermione, can we please discuss this after we've seen our exam grades?" groaned Ron, his head in his arms. "I don't even want to think about my Potions grade."

"Me neither," said Harry. "Knowing Snape, he found a way to flunk the entire class."

"Would you pass me the butter?" said Luna, ignoring the conversation around her as she poured over a book: CIA: Internship from Hell. "And it was nice of Presea to lend me this book."

"Speaking of which, has anyone seen her lately?" asked Neville.

"She and Gaz went into town last night to terrorize the local elementary school children," said the ever-informed Luna. "Which is a shame because some were just getting over the psychological trauma we caused when we learned to drive…"

"I suppose they're back, then," said Ginny, pointing two tables over. "Gaz is playing her GameSlave 4 again."

"Stupid thing," Gaz hissed, shutting it off. "Everytime I try to play Knights of Under Earth it tries to summon a real dragon. And then the code gets read wrong by the CPU and it crashes faster than Iggins' foam glider."

"It didn't crash, you blew it out of the sky," said Iggins.

"Details are for pompous assholes with no sense of self," said Gaz, fixing Iggins with a glare. "Do you understand?"

"Y… yes!" wailed Iggins, any form of emotional defenses shattered over the repeated abuse he'd received over the course of the year.

"Dib, are you busy tonight? I need you to pack my books away," said Gaz, but then she looked to where Dib and Colette were deep in conversation and instead she sighed, turning back to Iggins. "Pack my books or I'll cut out your spleen."

"So Colette, can I come visit you in Iselia sometime?" asked Dib as he and Colette shared some more bacon.

"Of course! I'll just have to get Grandma to grant you a pass. Ever since it got burned down they really check passports and visas. We get lots of deportations every day," Colette informed him. "I'd love to show you our grapes!"

"I'd be delighted to see them," said Dib. "… and… can Gir, Girtrude 2.0, and Zim just apply for citizenship?"

"Nope," said Colette, still blissfully happy. "They don't allow anything mechanical. Prejudice after Forcystus ordered the said burning of the village. And aliens, of course, would start a riot."

"Oh well, I'm sure they won't be too hard to deal with," said Dib, sighing. "It's not as if the Almighty Tallest are on their way here now or anything…"

"… so, Zim, let me get this straight…" said Tallest Red, as he spoke to Zim on a random video monitor. "You're telling us that Earth's sole purpose is to produce these snacks for consumption… and they have absolutely no redeeming health qualities what-so-ever?"

"That's correct, my Tallest," said Zim, cheerfully. "So the sooner we conquer this planet, the sooner you can capitalize it and make a fortune for the Armada."

"Well…" said Purple. "The ship does need a few new upgrades…"

"And these Cheesey Puffers are to die for," said Red. "Alright, Zim, we've put you at number… uh… 45 on the list for conquest. We'll be in touch soon. And keep sending those snack packages! We might be able to squeeze you in sooner."

"As always, thank you my Tallest," Zim said, waving his antenna in respect.

"As you were," said Red, tearing into a box of donuts.

"Well," said Tak, placing the cue cards she'd been holding for Zim on the ground. "That should do it. I think this plan is better any way. If I just stored the snacks within Earth, they'd get old and gross."

"Of course this plan is better!" Zim said. "I… er… thought of it!"

"Sure, whatever," said Tak, walking over to Zelos' table. "By the way, you better make sure Gir and Girtrude 2.0 don't destroy your Voot Cruiser…"

"Eh?" Zim shouted, looking outside just in time to see the purple machine fly away. Panicked, Zim chased after them.

"Some things never change," Sheena commented dryly as Tak and Zelos shared a kiss. "Zim's still having issues with his robots and you two remind us all just what the phrase 'get a room' really means."

"Oh, Sheena," said Zelos, throwing an arm around her. "You will always have a special place in my heart as my first—"

"Attempted assassin?" Sheena said, stabbing him with the blunt end of a spoon. "I don't think so."

"Genis, how long do you think it'll be before Kratos finds out about how bad I did on my exams?" asked Lloyd in possibly the most pathetic voice in the universe.

"Considering he's grading half of them… two days ago," Genis replied around a mouthful of apple slices.

"But… those were my good exams," Lloyd said, cheering up. "Well Gym was. I guess Weapons didn't count…"

"He's been with Raine the whole time," said Genis, smiling sneakily.

Any color left in Lloyds face quickly left. He began to moan and complain about pretty much everything, trying to excuse his horrible school skills. Genis finally got sick of listening and silently Silenced Lloyd. The half-elf hummed happily to himself as he tried to predict his grades. Just as it seemed the rest of breakfast would pass calmly, the door slammed open and Presea walked in.

"Exam grades have been posted outside the main office in Building A," said Presea, her voice louder than usual. "ALL exam grades have been posted. Classes today will involve going over them. Classes have been shortened to twenty minutes each. First class begins at normal time. Be quick."

"Is that even LEGAL?" Lloyd shouted, losing his head.

"It is in Japan," said Tak. "It's commonplace. I suppose they found a loophole in something for this."

"NO!" squealed Hermione, dashing from the room. "NOBODY gets to see my results before me!"

"Me either! FIREBALL!" Genis shouted, stopping a few girls in their tracks as they tried to sneak out ahead of him and Hermione.

"We might as well go," said Ron, sighing. "Or she'll be back to tell us before we get the joy of seeing it for ourselves."

"Did your Mum say anything about this?" asked Harry.

"Just that if I didn't pass at least ¾ of my classes Ginny had her permission to beat me with a skillet," said Ron, sighing again. "I'm surprised she was so nice about it…"

"Let's go," said Sheena. "I want to be the one who sees my own grade with my own eyes…"

"This is seriously not right," said Zelos. "What if… um… you did like… bad on a certain exam… and everyone sees it…"

"What exam did you do bad on, Zelos?" asked Colette, confused.

"Uh… I… no I mean what if YOU did bad Colette?" said Zelos, thinking quickly. "Wouldn't… wouldn't you not want people to see?"

"Oh, I don't mind," said Colette with a smile. "I already know I'm a complete dumbass sometimes. Everyone would find out eventually anyway. It's just easier for them this way."

"Right… thanks…" muttered Zelos.

"I'm confident in my scores," said Dib. "I studied hard. I have no regrets."

"Quit trying to sound epic, human," spat Zim. "I must go reap the rewards of my victory!"

They made their way across the courtyard, varying from dead-on sprints from Hermione, Genis, and Matt to slow canters, like Sheena, Ginny, and Neville, to dragging-their-feet-as-though-they-were-about-to-be-hung Lloyd and Ron. They reached the large board one at a time, scanning hopefully for their grades. It was ranked alphabetically, which was good because if they had ranked it any other way there would have been some very sad children standing in the group. As it was, a few were already hysterical.

"I only got a C in Gym!" shouted Hermione, sobbing hysterically and rocking back and forth. "And a B on my Potions! We did so well! My average is RUINED."

"It's A's all the rest of the way, though," Ron said, helpfully. "Look at me, I only failed Math and Science, and only by a little bit…"

"I managed to get an A- on Snape's Traditional Magic?" gasped Harry. "That's amazing!"

"I only had eight classes with exams…" said Neville, reading through his scores. "And I did good on the ones that required me to do good!"

"Hmm…" said Luna, scanning her own list. "I didn't fail anything, thankfully… I was rather worried about Divination…"

"THAT BITCH FLUNKED ME!" shouted Ginny. "I wrote like six paragraphs on her written exam on the stupid Tarot and she flunked me! How dare she?"

"Hmm… so that's… 15 A's for me," said Tak. "Not too shabby."

"Isn't that all the classes with an exam?" asked Dib.

"No, only 14 had exams and everyone automatically got an A in Weapons Appreciation," said Gaz, who stared at her grades indifferently. "Well I guess skipping Divination would lead me to get an F… but all I cared about was Tech Appreciaton, and I got my A+. The world can now live."

"Er… right…" said Dib. "I am a little disappointed at my magic class grades… but I suppose that's to be expected, and my overall test grades were a B, so…"

"Yes, yes, very nice, human," said Zim, elbowing Dib out of the way to look at his grades. "Now the mighty ZIIIIIM shall read his grades… hmm… hmm… yes… as expected… very nice… hmm… eh? Wait a minute, a C in Math? How is this possible?"

"Did you use some alien addition to figure the problems out?" retorted Dib.

"Your human ways are inferior to finding the answers to the problems," countered Zim.

"If you can't prove your work in a way that Ms. Sage can understand, then you're going to lose points," said Dib.

"I failed two testssss!" shouted Gir, his eyes flashing happily. "Yaaaaaay!"

"Let's make omelets!" shouted Girtrude 2.0, shooting eggs at the opposite wall.

"I can see why you got a B in Tech Appreciation," Genis muttered dryly to Colette.

"Yeah, and the only exams I failed were Healing Magic and Science," said Colette, cheerfully. "How'd you do, Genis?"

"Not too bad… mostly A's… a B in Potions and Healing Magic… oh and a C+ in Gym…" muttered Genis. "But not too bad otherwise."

"Oh… well, not so bad…" Zelos said, pretending to be cheerful. "Passed everything, ahahahah… well, I'm gonna go get ready for…"

"You failed English… and Health?" gasped Sheena, and then she began to laugh. "Zelos, what exactly did you think MRSA and HIPPA meant?"

"Yeah… well… Sheena, you failed English, too," snapped Zelos. "And how'd you get such a low grade in Math and Science?"

"Um… well… uh… at least I did better than Lloyd!" shouted Sheena.

"Where is he?" asked Zelos.

"Over there, sobbing," said Genis, pointing to the figure of Lloyd, who was rolled into a ball and rocking back and forth.

"Oh my," said Colette, reading his grades. "Fs in Intro to Magic, English, Math, Science, and Potions… D- in Careers and English… oh but at least you got an A+ in Gym!"

"It rounded him up to a D," agreed Presea, taciturnly. "I am pleased with my grades."

"Looks like we didn't do too bad," said Matt as he and Emily scanned their grades. "But dammit you beat me by a percent."

"Muahaha," cackled his friend. "Well you should've tried harder."

"Let's hurry up and go to class," moaned Lloyd. "I want this day to be over…"

Later, in Classes:

Ms. Bitters hovered transparently above her desk during their final Social Study class, admonishing them for the questions they'd missed throughout the exam. Those who got any type of A were commended for their hard work and given stars (which the entire class was now able to dodge), while those who had done poorly had their dreams crushed and their lives ruined with her words.

Raine spent the entire Math course complaining loudly about how poorly everyone had done on her exam (the only As in the entire school had been Genis, Hermione, Tak, and Zelos), and went over the problems people had missed. Only Genis and Hermione paid her any attention; the rest were just happy that she wasn't spamming Ray or Holy Lance on them as they sat there. When her tirade was over, she moved into self-pity, saying that she was not as successful as a teacher as she could have been, but only Colette and Peaches bought it and the rest of the class left her to her fake-sobs.

In Careers, Professor Verminstrasser explained that their tests had been graded based partly on their content on the essays and partly on the career packets they'd been working on all year. Neville was ecstatic to learn that he was one of the five who got A+s on the assignment (the others being Presea, Luna, Genis, and Hermione), and Lloyd was able to understand why he still only got a D- after the fantastic essay he'd written (since he flatly refused to do the packet all year long).

"Also," said Verminstrasser. "Peaches, your job has finally been released to you. Gaz, your job transfer has also been approved."

"Finally," spat Gaz. "I applied back in March."

Snape's shortened period was spent in his usual angry demeanor, making snide comments about Harry, Ron, and Hermione in particular. He answered a few questions and briefly attempted to explain his very subjective, very complex grading system, and turned them loose five minutes early so that he could celebrate his final docking of points from Fence (150 for Ron sneezing in class).

Everyone got a real treat in English: Kratos called Lloyd up to the front of the room and proceeded to berate him over his failed grades. Six backhands and twenty verbal threats on his life later, Lloyd found that he was able to heal with time and that maybe one day he'd be able to look his father in the eye again. But until that day he cowered slightly whenever Kratos' voice spoke as he commended those who had done well, while shaming those who had failed. Weapons Appreciation was cancelled because Kratos explained they had all more than proven themselves in that department.

Raine attempted a repeat showing in Science but since nobody listened to her, she gave up and instead answered questions from Hermione and Genis as they argued over their mere A's rather than A+'s. Instead of Regal's Cooking class, they skipped straight to Intro to Magic where Ms. Bitters and Verminstrasser reminded them that as humans their knowledge of everything was inferior and that a perfect score was next to impossible in that class due to bias and other issues (Tak looked very smug at this revelation).

Snape was unable to attend his Potions class, but left a note saying that they all were probably never going to be decent Potions masters and that he had recently drafted a law forbidding the Increased Giddiness Potion in three states, with severe restrictions on seventeen others. Colette, Gir, and Girtrude 2.0 decided they were going to have to march on Washington in a couple of weeks to amend this.

By this point, the school seemed tired of sending the students around campus, so over the intercom they had a quick message about how everyone was to report to the auditorium within ten minutes. When they took their seats, and the chatter had risen to a roar, Professor Sage ascended the stage, holding her staff menacingly. At first only the first couple rows paid her any attention, but when she raised the staff and started to cast a spell, everyone shut up instantly.

"She's even better than me," commented Snape from the table. "I wish I could get my students to shut up so quickly…"

"Raine is very… medieval… in her punishments…" Regal said.

"Well, students," said Raine. "It is my pleasure to welcome you to the end of our first year of operation here at Whitestone Magical Academy. To those who will be leaving us this year due to graduation or psychological trauma, we hope you will cherish these memories forever. You will certainly never have another experience like Whitestone in your life.

"To begin today's assembly, we'd like to first recognize our Top Ten students. I'm pleased to introduce Ms. Bitters, who will read the prepared statement and names. Ms. Bitters, if you would…?"

The ghost woman floated to the microphone and it self-adjusted. She took in a deep, rattling, haunting breath and launched into a long-winded speech about the current state of education and how many of the students would probably end up finding out that they wasted their lives when they were about fifty and that there was no hope for them unless they woke up and stopped being stupid right then and there.

"However," concluded Ms. Bitters. "We would like to take a moment to honor those students who have tried to make something of themselves this year. We will award the Top 10 students, whose prize includes a pair of tickets to a special tropical beach on the Isle of Mandragon, which includes round-trip airfare, a six night, seven day stay at a five-star hotel, and snorkeling. Hang gliding can be purchased separately. Without further ado, I introduce the Whitestone Top Ten…"

The attention in the room sharpened. Genis and Hermione were on the edge of their seats; which one of them would be the valedictorian? Ms. Bitters began to read through the names and averages.

"Number 10, with an 86.2% average… Dib Membrane," read Ms. Bitters.

"YES!" Dib shouted, running forward to accept his prize from Raine.

"Number 9, with an 86.6%," said Ms. Bitters, "Zim Zimmerson!"

"FALL BEFORE ME, PITIFUL HUMANS!" shouted Zim as he leapt on everyone's heads, going to the stage. "FOR I AM 9, THE LUCKIEST NUMBER OF THE IRKEN RACE!"

"Number 8, with an 86.9%... Luna Lovegood!"

"Oh, really? Wow. I totally thought my abysmal grades throughout the year would destroy my chances at the Top Ten. Is this the CIA's version of a sick joke?" Luna said. "Oh well! Plane tickets for me!"

"Number 7, with an 88.9%… Neville Longbottom!"

"What? Me?" said a stunned Neville, who got his tickets from Regal. "I… wow…"

"Number 6, with a 91.2%… Matt Warren!"

"Yes!" said Matt, leaping up. "I hope we get to fly on a Car-Go 500!"

"Number 5, with a 92.2%… Emily Davis!"

"I don't care what we fly on," said Emily. "I just want WARMTH."

"Number 4, with a 92.8% is the Honorable Presea Combatir," said Ms. Bitters, clapping.

"As expected. I'm not that concerned with my grades, but I also know I have a wealth of knowledge at y disposal," said Presea, accepting her tickets from Bitters herself.

"And now the Top 3 of Whitestone… with a 94.2%… Hermione Granger!"

"SON OF A SLUTCUNTINGBITCH!" shouted Hermione. "That little bastard beat me!"

She accepted her stuff from Snape, but she was so furious that even Snape didn't make a snide comment of any sort.

"Number 2... With a 94.3%… Genis Sage!"

"What?" cried Genis. "I'm only second? GAY."

He, too, took his tickets from Kratos with a stony look.

"And our Number 1 student, by far, the Valedictorian for this year… with a 96.6% final average… Tak Mitsubishifordtoyota!"

"And that's how it's done," said Tak, changing into alien form to accept her diploma before she stood before the microphone.

"My fellow students," she said. "We have faced many perils this year: sinking buildings, random attacks from dark powers, and even a trip to the Dormir Nebula… and yet through it all most of us have been able to stay on top of our studies. We leave these hallowed halls with more than just useless book knowledge, but the knowledge that we can use to make the world a much more amazing place. I ask you all to aid me in applause of our fine staff…"

A polite round of applause followed for this as all the staff either nodded or bowed slightly at the recognition.

"… and without further ado, I'd like to say just one thing: Students of the Earthen Whitestone: School has ended. Enjoy your vacation."

There was massive cheering at this and everyone began to clap. Tak bowed and resumed her seat. Ms. Bitters again walked to the podium.

"Now we shall award the House Trophy," said Ms. Bitters. "All year you little brats have been fighting tooth and nail to get this thing, trying to scrape an extra point here and there by doing odd jobs around the school. And now… Professor Aurion!"

"In third place, with a grand total of 6348 points… Potato house!" Kratos read.

Gir and Girtrude 2.0 sent rockets flying into the air while the rest of the Potato students applauded happily; they hadn't been dead last!

"Second place, with 6581 points… Fence House," read Kratos.

There was a lot of barbaric screams; Lloyd, Harry, and Ron looked especially excited at this.

"And in first place… with a whopping 7185 points…" Kratos said, "The House of Iko Iko!"

The Iko Iko students exploded. Cheers, confetti, screams, spells, sobs, yells, and dances flew through the air as they realized they had won. The Typhoid students all looked stunned; how had they lost, when a majority of their students had done amazingly on the exams?

"Congratulations to all of you. The dorms will close at 9:00 tonight, and you must be packed and ready to go. Those of you who won tickets, you are to be ready to leave at 7:00 in the morning tomorrow. Our flight leaves at 9:30 and the airport promises to be hectic," said Kratos. "Goodbye and good luck to all of you."

That night, everyone packed and said good-bye to various friends, as well as decided who to take with them on the flight. Tak invited Zelos, Dib invited Colette, Zim invited Gir (and Girtrude 2.0 hid in the suitcase), Hermione invited Ron, Neville invited Ginny, Luna invited Harry, Presea invited Gaz, Genis invited Lloyd, Matt asked Sheena along which meant Emily was left to ask Iggins, since the Professors were automatically going as paid chaperones. By the time the sun came up, they had already started their journey to the airport.

Upon arrival, they found they had indeed scored a chartered Car-Go 500 (Matt and Dib almost died with glee) and that they were also going to share the plane with Jade, Tear, and Luke while they connected to Auldrant in Mandragon. Excited at the prospect of flight, everyone checked in quickly, made it through security with no hassle, and sat in the boarding area in a very calm, collected way (even the robots weren't going crazy). When the plane pulled up to the gate, the glory of it became real: double decked, a solid-gold color, and a glittering star at the end of it.

"StarDust Airlines? I thought they only flew to the space stations…" muttered Ginny.

"Apparently not! Let's get on!" cried Ron, running forward.

"Man those British people are so immature…" sighed Lloyd.

"You really don't know when to keep your mouth shut, do you?" said Sheena as Luna shocked him with a taser.

They settled into their seats in the enormous plane. Matt, Dib, and even Zim were snapping pictures away at this point, and Luna joined in once she stored all her weapons in the overhead bins (although her pictures were of peoples' shoes and the interesting lighting in the plane). When at last the nearly eight hundred passengers were seated, they began the pushback.

"Where's Gaz?" said Presea, noticing her friend had been missing since that morning.

"I assumed she was with you," said Dib. "You haven't seen her?"

"Come to think of it," said Regal. "Iggins has been particularly happy today; Gaz must not be around…"

"I'm sure we'll find her in Mandragon," said Matt. "I wonder if we got good flight attendants…"

Just as he said that, the curtain moved aside and at once everyone's hearts stopped.

Peaches stood there in a skimpy flight attendant uniform, looking positively elated. She quickly picked up her intercom phone and began to speak in her exceptionally perky voice.

"Heeeeeeeelllllllooooooooooo everyone and welcome aboard StarDust Airlines flight 682 with service to the Isle of Mandragon!" she twittered. "Please sit back and enjoy our out-of-this-world-class service! My assistant here will lead you in the safety demonstration… go on…"

She nudged something forward and everyone basically had a stroke. Due to her short height, nobody had noticed Gaz before then, but now they did. Dressed in the flight attendant uniform herself, Gaz looked positively murderous. She glared at them, as though daring them to make a comment. She held the seatbelt mock-up like a whip, and waited for one hint of humor, one betraying mouth twitch of a smile.

"Soooooooo…" Peaches began. "Make sure you tighten your seatbelt! Shouldn't be too bad… just click and pull! There, like Gaz did. In the event that we lose cabin pressure, your ears might hurt just a teensy bit but then these designer oxygen masks will fall from the sky like magic! It's awesome! You just strap it to your face and you'll be happy once again. Gaz, if you would… oh… you want to talk… okay…"

Gaz took the phone from her and let Peaches continue with the actual demonstration.

"If you're traveling with a small child, make sure you secure your face mask first. You're more important than them. If you're traveling with more than one small child, decide who is most useful or will fetch a higher price before assisting them. In the event of a water landing, the seats will be inflatable and stuff but if you inflate those vests under your seat inside the cabin you'll drown. Do it OUTSIDE the plane, people. If you smoke we'll explode and electronic equipment can but probably won't interfere with the controls of the plane, but if I see it below 10,000 feet, it's mine. Any questions? Good. Sit down, shut up, and let's get this metal death tube off the ground!"

She slammed the receiver down and sat next to Presea, seething. Peaches, who was still demonstrating the inflation of the life vest, seemed to not notice. The plane taxied to the runway and began its take-off roll and Peaches quickly settled herself into a jump seat as the plane climbed over Whitestone and headed for the ocean. About five minutes into the flight, the overhead seatbelt signs went off and everyone adjusted themselves to properly enjoy the flight.

They were seated at the back of the plane, in a semi-private area, so the sound of the engines was very quiet. In the front of their group sat Colette and Dib, both of whom were happily staring out the window. Kratos, Regal, Raine, and Snape were in the middle section, between the two aisles, and Kratos and Regal were already watching the in-flight movie while Snape perused a magazine on Potions. Raine was looking extremely terrified and seemed to be trying to find a happy place. Bitters and Verminstrasser stared silently at the bulkhead in front of them.

In the next row, Luna and Zim were already in a very quiet though involved conversation on beings from other planets. Zelos and Tak were napping with their heads together. Sheena and Neville had started a game of go fish, and it was about as exciting as DEATH. Gir and Girtrude 2.0 were both rocketing around in their extra harnesses, gleefully giggling about the slow speed of the plane with the comfy seats and terrible food.

Behind them, Presea listened to her chainsaw music as Gaz vented on her about reassignment to flight attendant. Hermione was clutching Ron's arm, looking faintly sick, and he, too, seemed a bit nervous. Harry and Ginny were using their wands to make their tray tables duel, and Ginny's kept winning because it would smack Harry in the face, forcing him to lose his concentration. Lloyd would lean over Genis annoyingly and point to the cloud formations while the half-elf attempted to read a book. Annoyed, they finally switched seats so that Lloyd could have his look out the window and Genis could read.

In the last row of the plane, Matt was taking pictures of the more interesting clouds while Emily, already bored with the flight, had regressed to IFE. Across the first aisle, Jade read an amusing book on some of the more gruesome war heroes of the world, while Tear was passed out and Luke was twitching over the continued speaking of Iggins, who was unfortunately sat next to him. Trelawney sat in the corner alone, rocking back and forth. Many wondered how she was allowed on the plane given her BAC.

The flight proceeded smoothly for the first hour or so, and then it got a little bumpy. Around this time, Peaches had cheerfully dragged Gaz down the aisle to prepare the carts, and they came through with sodas and snacks for everyone. Colette took about six pouches of peanuts, but Dib seemed to not trust the food and took nothing. Raine looked as if she'd lose anything she ate, so Snape took her sandwich and gorged on it (Regal and Kratos had brought food with them, even though it was very illegal, but nobody questioned their authority). Bitters no longer needed sustenance, and Verminstrasser had a conniption when she saw the word "Kosher" on the package and refused to eat another bite.

"Would you like some boxes of juice or maybe a carbonated beverage product?" hissed Gaz at Presea.

"Sprite if you got it," replied Presea. "My head hurts."

"Changing air pressure. And what about you idiots?" asked Gaz, whacking the sleeping Tak and Zelos.

"No, God, let us sleep," moaned Zelos, snapping an eye cover device over his face.

"I'd like some bologna if you have it," said Luna, who was delight when she was given an entire package (chucked by Gaz so forcefully that her hand was slammed into the plastic siding).

"No, Gaz," called Peaches across the row. "You need to be nicer. Like this…"

She wheeled her cart to the center aisle between Sheena/Neville and Gir/Girtrude. Smiling with her almost insanely perky glee-look, she asked them nicely if they wanted any snacks. Sheena took a glass of water, Neville munched on a packet of peanuts, Gir and Girtrude took a bit of mead each (they were old enough to do so apparently) and soon they were asleep.

"Would you like something, Harry?" she asked, kindly.

"Why thanks, Peaches," said Harry, playing along at Ginny and Ron's urgings. "I think it would be just swell if you could give me a bit of shrimp scampi."

"I see…" replied Peaches, kneeling at the cart. "And Ms. Ginny?"

"I would be ever so pleased if you could give me a blooming onion," replied Ginny a sweet voice, her mouth twitching.

"Coming right up!" chirped Peaches, placing the food before them. Stunned, Harry and Ginny both stared at their food, forks-in-hand. Everyone else also blanched.

"That's why the airline tells you to call ahead, I guess," said Luke.

"I WANT STEAK!" shouted Iggins.

"Wow, even I'm not that loud or demanding…" muttered Matt.

"I'll fix that," said Jade, cheerfully.

He stood and stepped over Luke and Tear, picking up Iggins by the scruff of his neck. He then opened the overhead compartment and slammed the teen roughly into it, with a crunching noise. The cabin burst into applause and Peaches gave him the steak instead.

"Alright, I'll do it your way," said Gaz, who turned away, rubbed her eyes, and turned to Ron and Hermione with a very perky, happy smile and shining eyes. "Would you care for one of our delicious meal services?"

Ron and Hermione stared at her, their eyes bugging slightly. Hermione could do nothing more than make a gurgling noise and turn away in terror. Ron gulped and began to sweat slightly.

"Please stop. It's so unnatural…" he moaned.

"I figured as much. Here, have some juice and ginger ale," spat Gaz, slamming the drinks onto the tray tables (sloshing most of it on the two Gryffindors, who dried themselves off angrily).

"Do you have anything chocolate?" asked Genis.

"Genis, you're not allowed to have chocolate on long flights," called Raine from the front row. "You'll get hyper."

"Please, Peaches," whispered Genis, "Just a Milky Way or a Snickers?"

"Have some M&M's, but if Raine asks you didn't get them from me," muttered Peaches as she made a loud and obvious showing when giving Lloyd a turkey sandwich and some milk.

Just as they were getting ready to serve the last row, however, the plane suddenly shuddered violently and the seatbelt sign instantly flared up. Peaches was thrown forward and Gaz spilled half of the stuff that was on top of her cart. Many of the passengers on the plane were wearing their meals and the other half were either shook up or making use of their airplane sick bags. Hermione and Raine were among the second group.

"What the hell?" asked Ron, helping Hermione, "What was that?"

"Bad turbulence, the weather said we could expect that," said Dib. "I think we're okay."

Then, they felt their stomachs drop out below them as the plane began to fall. The entire cabin screamed as they were taken in a rollercoaster dive of sorts; Gir and Girtrude fell from their seats and hit the bulkhead in the front. Harry and Ginny both clung to each other; Peaches squealed as she clung to the seat next to Trelawney (who has completely lost her head by this point), and the rest of the students and staff alternated between screaming and praying. Only one, Ms. Bitters, was completely calm.

"PULL UP!" shouted Zelos. "PULL THIS METAL FLYING DEATH TRAP UP!"

"I DON'T WANT TO DIE!" shouted Tak.

"I DON'T WANT TO FLY!" sobbed Raine.

"I DON'T WANT MY PIE!" screamed Luna, chucking it at the wall, where it splattered over the window.

"I DON'T KNOW WHY WE'RE FALLING SO FAST! WE'LL HIT THE GROUND IN 35 SECONDS AT THIS RATE!" cried Genis.

Then, the plane leveled off and the passengers regained their breath. Some were sobbing, others were laughing hysterically with relief. A few seemed perfectly happy with the change in events. Matt was one of the few who found mild humor in the situation and even took out his video camera to capture any more perilous plunges. They all waited for the captain to come over the air and tell them what had gone wrong. Their wishes were granted five minutes later.

"Sorry about that," came a high-pitched voice they figured they'd recognized but couldn't quite place. "We had some control issues, but we're gonna be landing in about ten minutes, so… enjoy the rest of the flight!"

The plane flew for about eight more minutes, shaking slightly now and again, but remaining mostly steady. Then, the captain made the announcement for landing, but left his microphone on. He should have shut it down, but did not, and thus they heard the conversations between them and the ATC (much of which was foreign to them) and they readied themselves for a landing, their vital signs finally returning to normal.

"StarDust 682," said the captain, "We have the airport in sight and are beginning final approach… we'll be there… OH MY GOD, WHAT THE HELL IS THAT MISSILE FLYING AT US FOR?"

Everyone screamed as there was a flash outside the plane and a massive explosion rocked the left wing. The plane began to spiral toward the water and beach, and the oxygen masks soared from the ceiling. Everyone frantically began to attach them, while grabbing their life jackets from beneath the seats. Peaches made her way to the intercom and began to scream into it as trays and other things shot by as the plane began to become inverted.

"REMEMBER BREATH DEEP AND EASY, LIKE WHEN YOU'RE ON DRUGS AND DON'T INFLATE UNTIL YOU'RE OUTSIDE THE PLANE OR YOU RISK BEIGN TRAPPED IN THE SINKING FUSELAGE!"

"I'M NOT GETTING ANY OXYGEN!" shouted Neville.

"YOU DON'T NEED IT! WE'RE ABOUT TO CRASH, DAMMIT!" screamed Lloyd.

When the plane hit the ground, time seemed to slow down. Then, as the wing sheared off and the explosion ripped through the cabin, everyone slammed forward into the brace positions, trying to protect themselves. They had struck the beach and the ocean, with the back half of the plane beginning to sink.

"Get out!" cried Harry, dragging a badly cut Ginny with him. "We've got to get out of here!"

"Colette, can you walk?" Dib asked as the water began to pour in through their broken window.

"I'm fine," Colette said, sprouting angel wings in an effort to guide others out of the plane.

"Oh yeah, we had the exit row…" muttered Dib.

"The fuselage is cracked ahead," said Matt as he and Emily scurried up the sinking plane while helping Luke, Tear, Lloyd, and Genis. "No point now, right?"

"True. Let's go!" Emily said, bypassing the Exit row.

Gir and Girtrude were clinging to Peaches, sobbing, as they walked up the wreckage and onto the beach, where hundreds of other passenger stumbled away from the plane. Verminstrasser and Bitters had leapt out of the plane just as it hit, and they held stopwatches as they counted the humans escaping. Raine was helped by Kratos as she had apparently injured her leg, while Zelos, Tak, Sheena, and Neville all managed to help drag each other out of the plane. Hermione, who had been pinned under her seat in the rising water, was rescued by the combined effort of Ron and Presea. Trelawney stumbled out of the plane on the wrong side and fell into the water, where she proceeded to make a big deal about drowning in six inches of water until someone took pity on her and lead her to shore. The last two to emerge were Regal, and he was cradling Iggins in his arm as the boy looked vaguely unconscious.

"99 seconds," said Verminstrasser, stopping the watch, "You all pass!"

"Pass?" asked Genis, incredulously. "We were being tested?"

"Look! Jet Fuel!" said Girtrude 2.0, clapping. "Drink up!"

Jet fuel was spilling all over the beach and wreckage. Suddenly, they saw some sparking wires. The wires were also violently moving around and then one broke free and fell from the wing, straight for the lake of jet fuel forming below.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" gasped the students as everything around them went dark and the sound of "SIMULATION OVER" rang across the area.

And suddenly they were back at Whitestone, standing in the cafeteria. Confused, they glanced at each other as Master Computer slowly descended from the ceiling, a strange smirk on his light-and-rollered face.

"You all needed training should your flight to Mandragon crash. You all know what to expect should, it happen. Unfortunately, your circadian rhythms will be off for about a day now because it's actually still nine the previous night but for you all it probably feels like 3:00 tomorrow afternoon, so I think you should all go get ready for bed and we'll see you bright and early tomorrow!"

Verminstrasser and Ms. Bitters leapt/floated on top of him and he rose back into the ceiling. The stunned students and other staff just stared for a few moments before, one-by-one, they began to head back to their dorms. As they went, they broke off into conversations, but they were so desensitized to this sort of thing by now that their conversations either only briefly touched on the surprise simulation or ignored it completely.

"I can't believe we survived this year," said Lloyd. "I can't wait to get home and start sharpening my skills for next year."

"Next year? You're coming back?" said Genis, a sick look on his face.

"Well I was thinking about it… I mean… if they have the funds for it…" said Lloyd.

"I'm not so sure they'll allow another year of Whitestone," said Sheena. "The NIMBYs are all up in arms over us and the only reason we didn't have to fight them off this year was because they figured it was pointless with the year ending so quickly."

"That's highly unfortunate," said Presea, cradling her ax with a faint, Luna-ish smile on her face. "It would have been… enjoyable… to ruin lives of the NIMBYs."

"And Presea enters scary as hell mode," muttered Zelos. "And nobody will ever be safe again."

"Zelos, I'm coming to stay with you all of July, alright?" said Tak. "Will that offend any of your Meltokian girls?"

"Of course not, they'll be delighted to have a new friend!" chirped Colette.

"I don't think it works that way, darling," said Dib, steering her away from the group slightly. "They'll probably get jealous and start calling Tak rude names."

"Oh. Well she'll just set them on fire or drown them," said Colette with another lopsided grin.

"And that's why I love you," said Dib.

"Pugh. Romance. I hate it," said Gaz, turning away to be met by Iggins, who looked eerily proper and normal and was smiling.

"Gaz," he said in a regal, deep voice. "I must say… this entire time… I've been madly in love with you. I think about you all the time and I was only so crazy before because you bewitched me with your looks. And… I think… I think we could have something. I've learned to be myself and to worry about what others think of me… so… please accept this token of my love."

He handed her a flower. Gaz's eyes got watery and big and a large, wide grin came across her face. She began to blush. And then her body began to shake. And she snorted. And then she began to laugh. And her laughter turned into hysteria, and the hysteria spread so much that her voice rang from the hills and lightning bolts flew across the blue sky and caused many to stop and stare. And then she stopped, dropped the flower, whipped out her GameSlave, and set the flower on fire with a Communist Laser Unit.

"In your dreams, mortal," she spat, firing the laser directly into his eyes.

"MY LIFE IS RUIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIINED!" wailed Iggins, regressing completely.

"Well now we know the psychological capacity of that kid," said Jade, smiling happily. "Let's go, Tear, Luke."

"Do you think you should help him, Tear?" asked Luke as Iggins rolled along the ground in pain.

"He is completely and utterly beyond help," said Tear coldly, turning away with a flick of the hair. "Leave him to his devices."

"Daaaaaaamnn…" Matt said, his bags waiting next to him. "She's as mean as ever."

"That's our Tear, always ready to spread the misery," said Emily. "Which is why we have Peaches to balance it out I guess."

"Aw, that's the second nicest thing I've ever been told," Peaches said, smiling brightly.

"What's the first?" asked Neville, who was passing with the rest of the Hogwarts crew.

"M.C. said I had the biggest Duo Processors he'd ever seen," said Peaches, blushing.

"I told you not to use that name around people," muttered Master Computer, sliding up from the sidewalk. "It decreases their respect and fear of me."

"I'm sorry, sweetie," said Peaches. "Let's take Gir and Girtrude 2.0 out to get a snack."

"I WANT A CUPCAKE!" screamed Girtrude 2.0, clinging to Peaches' leg.

"I WANT A BICYCLE!" screeched Gir, slamming into her other leg.

"I can't believe I'm still paying for them," muttered Master Computer, but then he caught site of Peaches' glare and he allowed himself to be taken towards the local Dairy Queen.

"Well, Luna, I guess it's time for us to part ways," said Zim in his normal formal, slightly alieny-arrogant manner. "It was a good old time with you, and I just wanted to say that…"

"Wanna work for the CIA?" asked Luna, happily.

"Eh? The CIA?" Zim asked. "How will that benefit me?"

"You get all the secrets of the world's governments. No exceptions, no bull," said Luna, grinning and handing him a pamphlet.

"I shall join your CIA… and victory will be MIIIIIIINE!" shouted Zim.

"Well that shouldn't be to hard in the wizarding world considering the current abilities of the Ministry of Magic…" Ginny complained, rolling her eyes.

"Always with the positive thinking, huh?" said Harry with a grin.

"Hey, Harry, I think we should take Symphonian Magic next year, unless Hogwarts reopened," said Ron. "I think we're going to need it to combat Hermione and Ginny…"

"And Luna," said Neville. "She's become pretty fearsome this year, hasn't she?"

"Luna… is probably better left alone," said Harry as he watched her show Zim the various levels of grenades new CIA operatives got.

"Agreed, mate," said Ron. "Shall we flag down the Knight Bus or travel via Floo?"

"I'm thinking the broomsticks, myself," said Hermione. "I need to learn to fly so that I can beat that little snot in something…"

"Hermione," said another voice, and everyone whirled around to see Genis. Hermione turned red.

"Um… H-hi Genis…" she stammered.

He held out his hand and said, "I'm sorry for trying to compete with you so much this year. Maybe next time we can work together… to knock off Tak."

"Agreed," said Hermione, firmly. "Let the powers of Traditional and Symphonian magic combine to stop her."

"See you next time!" said Genis, dashing back toward Lloyd, Colette, and the rest of the Iselia group.

From a distance, the teachers of Whitestone stood and watched their students leave. They displayed various attitudes from annoyance on the faces of Snape and Ms. Bitters to pride with Raine and Regal. As the students moved out of earshot, they began to discuss the success of the first year in Whitestone, as well as the risks that the school would be shut down next year due to lack of funding and the NIMBY threat.

"But even if it does," said Raine. "I think we've made a good impression these students this year. They've overcome a lot and learned to rely on one another in all situations."

"As long as they can retain this feeling of mass reliance," muttered Kratos. "And not be swayed by the temptations of evil in the world."

"I don't hold much hope out for some of them," Snape said, flatly. "There's always going to be something going against them, trying to end them."

"That is why they must be made tougher," said Countess von Verminstrasser. "So that when these things come up they can DESTROY them."

"I for one think they're better prepared for the real world," said Regal. "What about you, Ms. Bitters?"

"I'll agree with Severus this time," Ms. Bitters said (Snape did a little victory dance behind her). "Some of them will make it… but others are likely to end up in a monotony of misery from which they can never escape."

"I disagree," said Raine. "We can expect great things from these students. Who knows what the future will bring… it will be exciting to see."

"Well, now that that's over," said Trelawney, dusting her hands off. "LET'S GET FUCKING WASTED!"
"Aye aye!" shouted the rest of the teachers, sprinting toward the local bar.

EPILOGUE

Lloyd Irving went on to be a barber and entered a monotony of misery from which he never could escape.

Genis Sage became a magical chef right after he graduated, and his own television show became a cult favorite with soccer moms and aspiring magicians alike.

Colette Brunnel graduated bottom of her class from Fortunasburg University with a degree in veterinary medicine (her GPA of 3.44 was laughable to her peers). After leading a successful march on Washington for the defeat of the Anti-Increased Giddiness Potion Bill, she became world-renown for finding a cure for depression.

Raine Sage continued to teach for years and years, spreading her knowledge and bodily harm to hundreds of other pupils. She retired only when they dragged her, kicking and screaming, from the classroom as most of the class lay either unconscious or dazed from the melee that had taken place in the front of the room. She then took up knitting and chess.

Kratos Aurion decided he could not handle the psychological trauma of teaching, so instead he went back to being a mercenary for hire, killing anyone as long as the price was high enough. He never married again and continued to "teach Lloyd a lesson" whenever it was required.

Zelos Wilder and Tak Mitsubishifordtoyota were married just months after leaving Whitestone. In a move that shocked Simon Cowell, they became a famous singing duo noted for their inspired covers and original melodies. They currently reside in Pasadena with their six children: Zork, Velk, Blon, Err, Kep, and Wilhelmina.

Sheena Fujibayashi became a master Summoner and returned to Mizuho to rule it. They went bankrupt a few years later as her idea for "massage parlors" around the country failed. She now sings back-up in Zelos' band.

Regal Bryan was one of many to go missing after a cruise ship sank off the coast of Port Fortune. He was rumored to have been attempting the trapped kitchen crew when the ship capsized, and nobody has heard from him since then.

Presea Combatir received her teaching certificate and quickly found herself lecturing away at the corroding minds of the nation's youth. She has continued to spread her knowledge for an eternity, until the day of the next person's awakening arrives. She continues to gather the knowledge of the world and has retained a healthy addiction for NIMBY hunting.

Dib Membrane enrolled early into the University of Port Fortune where he majored in the country's only "Paranormal Investigator" major. Graduating top of his class of 3, he and Colette moved to the rural town of Grotely, so that Colette could be closer to animals and Dib could be closer to crop circles. They currently have three children: Dib Jr., Kelly, and Wallace.

Gaz Membrane became a top engineer for the GameSlave company and was one of the pioneers to the GameSlave Destroyer, a system that featured real weapons in a simulation chamber. After making an enormous fortune on the product, she fended off all the injury lawsuits and moved to a beach in South Carolina where she owns shark-infested, beach front property.

Zim Zimmerson joined the CIA and, with Luna, the two became the leaders of the CIA in about six years. When the time for the conquest of earth came, the Massive was hit by a meteor and had to return to Irk for repairs, but Zim was having enough fun bossing the interns around that he didn't much care and figured he could wait another ten or eleven years for the conquest.

Gir, Girtrude 2.0, Peaches, and Master Computer eventually learned to love one-another and became a family. They took care of most of the processes at Whitestone as it continued to function (Master Computer handled administration; Peaches took the switchboard; Gir and Girtrude 2.0 were the maintenance staff).

Iggins Jones entered a monotony of misery from which he never escaped.

Ms. Bitters and Countess von Verminstrasser continued to teach for a further twelve years before retiring to a private beach cottage in the war-torn country of Quasar. The spent the long, lazy days entering flashbacks of their youth and teaching careers, causing a great demoralization to the entire country, which went bankrupt and was eaten by Uswelga years later. Their current locations remain unknown.

Harry Potter and Ginny Weasley were happy to return to Hogwarts when it re-opened and finished their magical education. They married barely a year after it all ended and later their sons attended Hogwarts while their daughter decided to attend La Academia de Whitestone, a school opened in Chiahuahua, Mexico (Gorfy became headmaster). Harry works as an Auror and Ginny spends most of her days teaching Fire Magic at La Academia.

Hermione Granger returned to Hogwarts the following year and reached an agreement with the house elves, which allowed the school to re-open. Upon completion of her magical education, she went on to have a lucrative and scandal-less country singing career. Her many hits became favorites and she reshaped the image of the typical Country Western singer.

Ronald Weasley married Hermione Granger soon after they graduated Hogwarts. He became Hermione's road manager of sorts after he was kicked out of Hogwarts for accidentally breaking something large and antique. He was not completely S.O.L., however, for he found his calling in something else: toilet seat manufacturing.

Neville Longbottom introduced Herbology to the Whitestone Academy curriculum and became one of its first Professors. After saving three students from a rogue strain of Devil's Snare, he was given an Award of Excellence and was transferred to Hogwarts when Professor Sprout retired. He never married; his love for that damn cactus he got when he was 15 didn't allow for a woman in his life.

Luna Lovegood continued to train in the CIA with Zim and eventually the two became the heads of it. Her body count is classified, the monetary damage she caused to the world is far too much to calculate, and she managed to completely annihilate three small countries in only two and a quarter days. She continued to be as unpredictable as ever and by the time she was ready to marry, she and Zim had decided to form a civil union to stop all the stupid interns from hitting on them (though, according to her, pointing guns at the stupider ones had a strong effect as well).

Severus Snape went back to being Potions teacher and attempted to secure the Defense Against the Dark Arts post for about twenty more years before he just said, "screw it," and left. He currently resides in Whitestone, where he delights in sitting on his conveniently-placed porch, firing curses and jinxes at the students as they go from class to class (and even he occasionally helps out with the Potions class, and by that we of course mean he tells the dumb ones each and every little thing they're doing wrong).

Professor Trelawney died of alcohol poisoning six weeks after the first term of Whitestone ended. A few people were relieved by this, but then she came back as a ghost and continued to try and drink entire bottles of sherry by floating through them. Eventually, her transparent figure became laden with booze and she became a walking alcohol body. She was very popular at parties (and not because her Tarot readings).

Matt and Emily returned to the real world and went off to college.

From the Author's Mind (Updated June 2011):

Thanks again to all of my readers who enjoyed this story so much. I had a great time writing it and, nearly six years after it began, the chronicles of the students of Whitestone Academy are still fun for me to read, as I hope they are for you. Cherish the many hours you lost reading this story, for it contained hidden, subliminal knowledge that will definitely help you out in later life. What that is, I have absolutely no idea.

Happy Holidays all!

12/1/2007 (Original Finish Date)

6/16/2011 (Edits Finish Date)