Warning: contains violence and a very brief sexual scene. You have been warned!

Disclaimer: Neon Genesis Evangelion is the property of Hideako Anno and Gainax. I am only borrowing the characters for this story.

(A/N: Feedback please! This is my very first fan fic so please, constructive criticism! Thanks!)

The great Yebisu beer scandal

Clunk! The glass thumped the bar but she didn't notice for she was sloshed. Things had not gone well for Misato Katsuragi. She thought back on the last week or so and tried to sort things out in her alcohol-fogged mind. Asuka was being a bitch as usual. "Shinji, you baka!" Those words still echoed through Misato's ears. Fortunately, that seemed, so far, to be as far as Asuka had gone but what if she took things to the next level? Misato fumbled around in her purse frantically and, despite taking a whopping two minutes, felt the rough surface of her 9mm USP. Never can be too careful, you know.

"Now dees eesh really gooood stuff," she slurred at the bartender. He didn't bat an eye. He had seen her get sloshed in here before. The bar was strictly off limits to other NERV personnel except officers and the highest ranking members. It was very nicely done, with maple paneling on the walls. They were complemented by the dark green carpet and polished brass foot rests under the counter, which was solid marble. The back wall had a mirror nearly 100 feet long and lined with almost every beer imaginable but Misato only cared for Yebisu, not that cheap Sapporo crap. The benches and chairs were leather and the latest 4-foot-wide Sony plasma TV sat on the far end of the room, flanked by two ceramic cone speakers that were five feet high. It had a 10-disc DVD player and a Playstation 4 with a huge library of movies and the latest games. Of course, there was the karaoke machine but Misato remembered the LAST time Gendo dared to try it. He was extremely lucky she had run out of bullets at the range that time or he'd surely be six feet under by now. The ceiling had small spotlights mounted every few feet but they were dimmed to remind officers that it was 9 pm. 9? Shit, thought Misato. She peeked over her shoulder. The door was still shut and nobody else was in the bar. She had to get the hell out. Gendo and Ritsuko were still going over the sync tests and Shinji's sync ratio had gone down again. Rei wasn't making things any better too with her usual monotonous, emotionless replies for they were driving Asuka up the wall. Her sync ratio had improved slightly. Unfortunately, the German was frustrated that she still hadn't achieved a ratio to rival Shinji's. That meant there was going to be hell to pay sooner or later. Misato thought about her current state.

Another Yebisu? She was probably the only one who kept the beer company in business. Her mind, although foggy, was still clear enough to process that horrifying thought: Yebisu, Yebisuuu. She lost it. "Bartender, anotherrr one." He didn't dare deny her the gold nectar. To do so would be worse than hari-kari. And she had remembered to bring her damn gun this time. Her giggles were especially worrisome. What if she decided to shoot up the bottles just for the hell of it? No way could he get his hands on the purse. He thought about at least getting his hands on the USP's magazine. While she nursed the bottle, he got on his knees and crept around the bar. Her bag was sitting on the floor, fortunately so it would be out of her point of view. He decided not to risk her seeing him too easily and blindly groped for the bag with his hand. He touched naked flesh and hard bone. Misato's ankle. Bad idea. Before he could blink, a steel hand clamped around his throat and he felt the barrel of the USP under his chin. "Beee a good boy and just serve me the beer!" She shoved him back and he scampered around the counter like a puppy with its tail between its legs.

As she managed to find the stool, Misato wondered what Gendo would think if he walked through that door and found a NERV commander sloshed and unable to even stand up. She giggled. The alcohol in her blood only warmed her and this caused her to giggle even more. She thought about what might happen. She'd put him to the test: if his legendary nerves of steel even twitched, she'd blow him away. She giggled at the thought. And then, Asuka would be next if she didn't stop her bitching. What would a German probably say? Oh, auf wiedersehen, you baka! The thought led to more giggles and soon, Misato was laughing her ass off. The bartender was shaking with fear because she couldn't stop laughing.

She snorted and looked at the clock on the wall. 9:45? Had she been enjoying the beer a tad too much? Rumor had it that the clock was more than a meter wide so that the drunken officers would know when to go home. She wondered: should she get one last beer or call it quits. She took her chances and demanded another, her 12TH bottle so far. The bartender meekly approached with the ice cold bottle. He set it on the table and tried to get the bottle opener on the cap. His hands were shaking so badly he accidentally dropped the bottle opener. Misato shrugged and smashed the neck on the table. It sent shards of glass everywhere but hey, she had access and that was all that mattered. She tilted her head back and poured the golden liquid. Ahhhh! Sooo goo – she sprayed the beer out of her mouth and glared at the bartender. There was no need to shoot him; he pretty much fainted when he saw the look in her eyes. What the fuck was this! The beer was watered down! She struggled to read the label: it was gold with the famous Samurai sitting under the words "Yebisu Traditional Brew." The fools probably didn't cap it properly so moisture had seeped into the bottle, watering it down ever-so-slightly. To Misato Katsuragi, this was an inexcusable sin. She needed that last bottle badly. Since the bartender fainted, he was pretty much useless. She tried to wander around the bar and fell flat on her face. Ugh, not a great day. And her reports were due tonight! The armchair morons at SEELE were not going to be happy come Monday morning. She crawled on her hands and knees around the counter. The world tilted crazily as Misato groped for the last bottle of Yebisu. There were numerous plastic crates neatly lined up under the counter. To the right were the ice box and then the cash register. The other side had the great lined gallery of beer. She saw a massive gold box. Yebissuuuu, I must have some more, she thought. She crawled over the unconscious bartender and managed to rip the box apart. Empty! And the last bottle was a dud! Worse, it was flat. Inexcusable!

A scream echoed through the halls of NERV and the guards trembled. In Gendo's bedroom, he was in the process of trying something new with Ritsuko when he heard the scream. Oops, he wasn't expecting that to happen. Ritsuko realized he had lost control. She delivered a kick that sent him flying across the room. "Gendo, you bastard! Always too cheap to buy some protection!" She got dressed and stomped out of the room. She never saw the fist when it slammed into her. Misato had managed to stumble to the elevator and into the sleeping quarters, scaring the living daylights out of anyone who was within punching distance. The two guards outside the elevator to Gendo's room were useless. She simply kicked each one in the head. They crumpled like tissue paper.

Misato knew about two other spots in the NERV installation where beer was kept. Of course, very few people actually knew about them. Keg parties were still carried out when Shigeru got bored at the computer desk. He even had the decency to make sure the mugs were extra large so people wouldn't be making too many return trips to the kegs. She ran down the hall to the elevator and reached sublevel 3. The guard at the desk took one look and backed away. She swiped her card at the door and it unlocked. A young NERV technician on her first full day on the job took a turn down the hall. Since Misato was running, they crashed into each other. "You! Wherrre ish the secret keg?" "How did you know?" whimpered the girl. Misato leaned against the wall to get back to her feet and fell down again. The USP clattered across the tiles, about a meter away. The girl's eyes nearly fell out of their sockets. She foolishly lunged for the gun. Misato managed to grab her wrist and punched her in the stomach. Because she was still pretty wasted, she slipped and lost her grip. The girl fell down but still had a grip on the gun. "Giive me my gun back!" Misato kicked her in the stomach. She lost her grip at last. After getting the USP, she grabbed her by the neck and yanked her to her feet. "What ish yourr name?" "Um, Maho," whimpered the technician. "Nice to meet youuuu. Now, tell me wherrre the damn beer keg is hidden." She meekly obeyed as they walked down the hall.

Ten minutes later, the door to NERV's east backup data facility room was kicked in. Misato dragged Maho in with her. The girl meekly walked to the corner near a generator and pulled on a loop of fishing wire. It was strong enough to open the door but thin enough to not be noticed in the dark corner. Misato followed her inside. Another scream. Apparently, Shigeru had chosen yesterday to raid his secret beer stash and the barrel was bone dry. Misato screamed so loudly that Maho's ear would ring for a day or two. BLAM! BLAM! She shot at it until she emptied the magazine. The enclosed space amplified the gunshots so much that the window panes rattled. It took her three tries to fit the new magazine into the gun. She looked around. "Maho?" Unbelievable! She actually ran off. "Grrr! When I find you, they'll be mopping you off the flooooor!" She stomped out of the room. Maho managed to beat it back to the security door and had it locked. Misato knew she couldn't shoot it up but fired anyway. After six shots, she realized she was only wasting ammo. Cursing loudly, she stomped off in the other direction.

She managed to get to her Renault but it took several tries to get the keys in the ignition. She backed up. Crunch! Damn, there goes next week's paycheck. She didn't care that much. She had to find the Yebisu brewery and fast! There would be hell to pay. She sideswiped a roof support as she took the exit ramp. The people at Yebisu would never know what hell was until Misato Katsuragi showed up.

It was SUPPOSED to be a nice, normal day at the Yebisu beer factory in New Sapporo. Tokyo 3 never really was much of a market except for that annoying NERV commander who kept hounding them with phone calls, usually at 2 a.m. Aguri Yebisu, the president of Yebisu, had been rather twitchy lately and he had very good reason to be. Apparently, the economy was in a slump yet again. Laying off 25 people was the latest blow and the stock had dropped. Fortunately, everyone else in New Sapporo was suffering so he could find someone else to blame it on when the stockholders demanded to know why they had lost hundreds of millions of Yen. He had often in the past, dreaded that things would come to this. Yebisu was supposed to be the pride of the New Sapporo brewing industry but it had come at a steep price. Finding the right ingredients was never easy and the costs kept climbing. Worse, the grain had to be imported because New Sapporo never had any decent soil to grow it. A rival brewery bought up all the land in the best possible spots so buying more land was out of the question. They had to find a way to increase profits. Then, some genius came up with a great idea: water it down! Of course, do it in such small increments over a two-year period that the customers wouldn't know it. They had managed to increase the water percentage by nine percent so far. Aguri's goal was SUPPOSED to be 15 percent but upper management was terrified of further upsetting the stockholders and Misato held nearly 40 percent of the company stock. They told him to increase it no more. He groaned, there went the company bonus and his chance to get his hands on that restored Acura NSX convertible. The board of directors held firmly. They had to increase output without increasing costs so they secretly decided to go with the original idea.

Aguri wondered if she would come this far to kick his butt. Still, it would be wise to find something for protection. Sadly, most firearms were off limits except for Tokyo 3 since NERV needed them for defense. He had to find someplace to hide and fast! Tsunamis were bad indeed but he'd rather see one than an infuriated Misato Katsuragi.

The pilot had massive trouble holding his water because of the cold barrel pressed against his neck. "Ms. Katsuragi, p-please listen! We don't have enough fuel to make it!" Misato didn't even blink. She cocked the hammer and firmly stated "Get this fucking plane there or you'll go out the window." He shivered and continued on. How the hell was she going to do this and get away with it? Misato picked up the headset from the co-pilot's seat. "How the hell do you work this?" With a trembling hand, he switched on the radio. "This is NERV 3. Maya, you fucking better be there!" Just before the plane was hijacked, the young bridge bunny had been cruelly yanked out of her bed in her nightgown and dragged to the bridge to operate the radar. She also shot off the door handle so Maya couldn't leave. Gendo was neatly tied up and locked in the janitor's closet. Misato was going to move heaven and earth to get to New Sapporo and if any people got in her way, they would pretty much be gone before they knew what had happened. They could see the coastline as the clouds broke up. Suddenly, something whizzed past. It was a missile. "Drop some chaff countermeasures! Don't you have any?" He meekly obeyed. "Maya, fire something to get rid of that missile!" A NERV satellite fired on the missile with perfect accuracy. There was an almighty boom as the plane rocked crazily. Misato was flung to the floor, a headphone on the copilot seat flew across the cockpit and the pilot lost control of his bladder as the plane plummeted below 10,000 feet. As Misato cursed loudly and struggled to find a way into the copilot seat, she wondered why the hell someone tried to shoot them down. Didn't NERV have transponders on all their planes? The New Sapporo defense systems should have given them automatic clearance, or maybe they had some sort of identification technology that enabled them to determine if a plane had been hijacked. She dismissed that thought. I'm not hijacking this stupid plane. I just want to find the bastards who ruined my beer and make them pay! She saw that the pilot was pretty much wiped out from the shock of nearly being hit by a missile. Fool, she thought. Maybe NERV pilots never had the luxury of experiencing genuine combat. She thought about leaving this silly pilot behind for the Third Impact – when SEELE got around to actually doing it.

The plane broke through the clouds as Misato tried to find a runway. Damn, there were none available. Apparently, an earthquake had knocked out Chubu International last week and New Hakodate was also under repairs. She saw a nice wide highway and decided to use it. Sorry fellas, but I want my beer! People slammed into the concrete walls and a few flipped their cars over upon seeing the massive plane landing on the crowded highway. Maybe Gendo would blink but she doubted it.

Meanwhile, Aguri was working up a sweat, trying to destroy all evidence of his involvement with the water additions to the beer. He had managed to burn up all the paperwork and was erasing all his email. There were several safe rooms available but upper management and the stockholders had beaten him to them. They locked him out as he tried to find a place to hide since there was no room left. The faint sound of cars crashing on the highway was proof enough of the impending apocalypse. He wondered: should he run or hide? Since all of the safe rooms were locked up tight and he had a full tank of fuel, he should try to beeline it to the highway. Although he made a nice six-figure salary, he had received so many angry letters and death threats in the past that it was far safer to lie low. He had bought a 10-year-old brown Toyota with forged license plates. The rear bumper was sagging because it had been hit by a truck before it was sold. It was the perfect cover. Nobody would expect the head of a massive brewing company to be driving a crummy car. He whistled with ease and relief as he pulled out onto the street.

Aguri nearly lost control of his bowels. The sight of a five-foot-tall wheel strut rushing past was too much for him to comprehend. Misato didn't even bother to stop the plane completely. She kicked out an escape window and hit the ground running. Aguri shrieked in terror and did a 180, nearly ruining his tires as Misato broke into a full run, popping off one shot after another from her USP. Blam! Out went his right tire. Another shot, the left tire peeled away. He was now running on the rims and had to abandon the car since it was going, oh, about 15 mph.

The world spun crazily as Aguri kicked the door open and ran like hell, wondering how much time he had. A bullet shattered the front windshield of his car. He felt another one hiss past his right ear. With trembling hands, he took three tries to swipe his card at the front door. He managed to slam it shut and beat a hasty retreat down the staircase. As he ran, he wondered how long the door would hold – crash! Not long enough. Misato shot off of the lock and threw all her weight against the door. It easily caved in and she ran down the staircase. She wasn't going to kill him. No, that would be too kind. She was going to do worse: make him give her the recipe! And if she had to shoot off one finger after another, so be it. Someone had ruined her precious beer and someone had to pay!

Aguri made it to the last available safe room, which was conveniently hidden behind an oil painting. He knocked frantically and whispered harshly: "Yoriko, open the door right now!" The meek secretary wouldn't even budge. She had heard the gunshots and they were deafening in this confined space. The thumps of Misato's boots were probably even more terrifying than the gunshots so she wasn't going to let him in, hell no! Aguri felt sweat pouring down his back as he bolted up the second staircase to the conference rooms. Maybe he could hide under a desk and try to outmaneuver her. There were cubicles on this floor for the day staff so he still had a chance. But for how long?

Misato was fueled by pure rage as she smashed through another door. She didn't even bother to check the locks. She simply put a bullet through the keyhole before kicking the door in. Blam! Off went the lock to the executives' room. She kicked the door in and searched everywhere. That fat idiot was nowhere to be seen. She heard something in the background. He probably ran in the direction of the cubicles. She realized it would take days to find him. Thinking quickly, she ran for the janitor's closet.

Aguri coughed. It stank of ammonia in here and he had, unfortunately, stepped right in the janitor's mop bucket. There went his ugly Bruno Magli shoes. He still felt he would be safe. She surely wouldn't expect him to pick such a horrid spot to hide. A loud bang tore off the door lock. Wrong. The door slowly creaked open and when he saw Misato's evil smile, he nearly fainted. She grabbed his tie and yanked him out of the closet. She reeked of alcohol. "Arrr you Mr. Yebisu?" Should he lie? Apparently not, her patience snapped. She searched his coat and, after three tries, found his wallet. The driver's license clearly indicated she had hit pay dirt. "Let's have a nice little talk." She didn't give him a chance to reply but simply dragged him back to the office.

The door was kicked open. After tossing him in the far left corner, she threw a couch in front of it. "You idiot! Did you think I wouldn't notice? This beeeer is utter crap! I have over two thousand shares of Yebisu stock! That's morre than the second and third largest shareholders combined!" "I'm s-so sorry…" She cut him off. Her eyes flared with pure rage. "Do you know how much hellll you put me through?" "Um, no…" She interrupted again. "First, Rei pisses Asuka off and now I've got to put up with her for six hours! I need to shoot her but noooo, Gendo would not want that. The morons at the Marduk Institute would take too long to find out who the fourth child ish." Rei? Asuka? Who are they, he thought. And what is the Marduk Institute? Some sort of offspring of the Yakuza? A slap interrupted his thoughts. Worse, his running around had broken his belt and now he could feel the pants begin to slip. "Arr you even listening!" Damn, they were slipping. Shouldn't have packed on that extra 15 pounds over the holidays. Misato huffed and basically was running around the room, ranting madly about the quality of Yebisu beer. She waved the substandard lager and shouted even louder. "Thish, thish is utter crap! How dare you let such watery scum get into the bottle!" Her eyes crackled with madness and pure rage. Never had Aguri seen someone so angry and worked up and – well – plain bonkers. He was sweating in places he wished he weren't, for example, his palms. The sweat was making it much harder to hold his trousers up. Suddenly, his pants fell down. Pikachu was clearly visible on the crotch. Misato glared. "Forr a beer company president, you should haave better taste! I should put a hole in those ugly-ass shorts! "N-no, please miss! I'll give you anything you want!" She flashed an evil grin. "Anything?" He nodded like a hitch hiker who agreed he had diarrhea and was outside a locked bathroom door. "Get to work! I want 20 cases of the best you have now!" He was yanked to his feet. His pants fell down again. "And fix your pants you pervert!" He was forced to improvise with duct tape from the janitor's closet.

Two weeks later:

Misato sat back. Everything was back to normal. The sync ratios on all three pilots had climbed an average of 10. That was excellent. Gendo owed Ritsuko a lot of child support. Why she chose not to have an abortion was beyond anyone's guess. Shigeru had taken time off to release his first album and it was selling quite well. And the Angels? They hadn't made an appearance yet. She cracked open her fifth bottle of the morning and shuffled through the morning paper. In a small corner on page 15 was a story about an anonymous individual breaking into to the Yebisu plant two weeks before. The police had never found out who was responsible. Misato smiled. So long as the fool kept the beer flowing, she would keep her mouth shut and her finger off the trigger. The occasional death threat through the phone also helped ensure the Yebisu employees wouldn't come after her. She got up and grabbed her laptop. After booting it up, she entered a password followed by a fingerprint scan. The Evas were being upgraded again with a newer version of the dummy plug. Soon, it would be possible to have up to three installed for backups. NERV would still be relying on the pilots for control under normal circumstances. She hated having to check the code but Ritsuko and the others were all behind schedule. She had to sit and verify that the codes were all ending in the proper suffix otherwise the entire software would be useless. She suddenly came across something interesting. If she added a different version to line 251, she could, in theory change the dummy plug to operate via remote control. She could then, simply change out the crystals in the wireless control boxes and soon she would have control of Unit 02. Asuka wouldn't be pleased but it was better armored and equipped than the previous versions. Misato added the extra lines of code from the website. It hacked into the mainframe and redid the entire system of codes so that she would have manual access even if it was password protected. If that idiot dared to water down the beer again, she would simply dispatch the Eva to take care of the mess. Misato sighed with relief as she popped open another bottle and lay back. Pen-pen was too tipsy to eat so he wobbled back to his frozen bedroom. Ahh! Life was soo good!