A/N: I love people who review. Every last one of ye. That being said, I would like to extend my deepest gratitude to Witch of the Northwest, whose lovely review reached me just hours after my writing confidence was at an extremely low ebb, due to a most difficult English class. You saved me from throwing down my pen for good, and for that I thank you (though the rest of the world may not.) I send you all virtual scones. Chocolate chip scones. And cups of tea.
Chapter 3: Planning Your Attack
A sound plan is key in the successful execution of… executions. You cannot simply think to yourself "Self, today is a good day to lop off a few heads." This sort of reckless action inevitably leads to half-severed spines and heartache. Keeping this in mind, it is necessary to carefully research and prepare before carrying out your attack.
Choosing Your Victim: This is not as easy as it sounds. Many a time I have made offhand comments about how much I'd like to decapitate someone in jest; usually however these impulsive ideas do not stand up to scrutiny. For instance, the slaying of one's younger sister could cause rather awkward familial relations around the dinner table at Thanksgiving and Christmas. You should always consider the possible consequences of your actions. Especially when said consequences could involve flying turkey drumsticks. I also don't advise killing your boss; it vastly decreases your chances of actually getting that promotion.
Choosing A Time And Place: Sometimes I feel that choosing a setting for my decapitations is harder than choosing a restaurant for a first date. Not that I go on many of those. But I digress. The location you choose is instrumental in determining your success. For example, a crowded movie theater is probably not a good place to chop off someone's head. I also don't recommend schools, hospitals, or prisons. In fact, when planning my humane head removal operations, I make remoteness a priority. Confidentiality is key in protecting the privacy of both head lopper and loppee. Windswept fields are a traditional choice, and a safe standby. A few gnarled trees add just the right ambiance. These small details are what will make or break your execution endeavors. If windswept hills just aren't your thing, you could try a dark, gloomy, forest. The ruins of an ancient castle would also be suitable, especially if it happens to house a few restless spirits. These provide excellent scapegoats, and the local busybodies will enjoy whispering about the haunted ruins behind closed doors. Any location will do, really, as long as it is suitably desolate. The timing of your attack is just as important. After all, you don't want to perform a field execution just as Lord Crumpet leads half the county in a foxhunt, and you don't want to run into a tour group while decapitating in a ruin. The presence of your victim is a factor which must not be overlooked; you must make sure they will be there at the proper time, and alone. Ask them to accompany you on a tour of the aforementioned haunted ruins, or catch a gardener as they tend to their windswept field.
Assemble Your Tools: Groom your horse especially well on the morning of your attack; it would not do to have a muddy steed with a disheveled mane detract from your appearance. It is important to remember that you aim to strike fear into the hearts of all who see you, so avoid the pink saddle pads and purple chaps today. Black and blood-red is a sound color scheme for this line of work. If possible, you should wear a swishy cape. Something about the swishiness just oozes sophistication. Polish your sword so that it can glint menacingly in any sunbeams, moonbeams, or other sources of light that may catch it. Hop on your horse, sheath your sword, and you're off!
Remember, proper preparation will ensure that your executions go off without a hitch. And please, please, please remember that you will NOT be able to successfully terrorize anyone if your pink undies are sticking out of your breeches.