I know I have done the right thing. My head, hell even my heart knows. Why then these silly worthless tears? Why the ache of what will never be? Well lets face it, decisions aside from the ones made in the heat of battle were not my forte. The easy sunshine and the warm eyes of promise, I had told him I would. I intended to keep that agreement. Frak it all if his brother, his brother has walked in and shattered who I am into a million pieces.

Remembering Apollo from flight school hadn't been hard. He had been top score in so many ways, his name was blazed across so many score boards that I remembered the sharp angles of the letters of his name with a kind of familiarity even if I couldn't place the face that had appeared before me.

"you don't recognize me do you?" His voice was soft, low and had a smooth controlled amused quality. It was a smidge predatory, and made my skin suddenly seem too sensitive.

"Oh, sure I do…" Feeling my usual easy laughter fall somewhere between self-conscious and embarrassed. What the hell was with this feeling of fear in my stomach suddenly?

"Liar," he said it softly, crooking an eyebrow at me making my heart race as the ice blue of his gaze raked over me appraisingly. "it's ok Starbuck, I have changed a bit since the academy" He let me off the hook with his words but his eyes didn't.

I felt sick, and fluttery. Good lord what was going on with my body? He smelled. He smelled , right. Salty, sharp, with a bit of sex thrown in. It made me shake slightly. I could feel his gaze like some one was touching my skin with a hot wire. Like lightening in the air, my nerve endings crackled in response.

Zak's laughter and dismissal didn't change the gaze I was getting from his brother. But it did allow me to focus elsewhere, to take a minute to try to pull my traitorous breathing back in line. He was warm and solid next to me and I leaned closer, surprisingly for protection, for reassurance, things I never thought to need from him for any reason. He shoved his brother's shoulder and sent him for drinks. I tried hard not to watch the elder brothers back as he left the table.

"so what do you think ? " He is obviously proud to call that man his brother. I can see the smug satisfaction on his face. "he like you thought he would be?"

"well, not really." I try to be nonchalant. "he is kinda, cocky and over bearing…" I struggle to understand the mutiny my body is staging.

"Oh, Kara. Please give him a chance. He has a weird sense of humor, if you give him a chance, he will win you over."

Kinda what I really don't want. I don't say that of course.

"I love you, I will try to be civil." I give him a bright smile. "really don't worry, I think I must just be nervous." I had felt the tension ease as soon as Apollo's electricity, and heat were far enough away. The scariest part was that I could feel his absence and the lack of his presence like a weight had been lifted. My reaction to his proximity seemed to be chemical, it was heady and it made me feel like a bitch in heat. So I grabbed Zak and kissed him like I was trying to save my life. I think in fact I was.

"Get a room…" The soft tenor came from my left and all the hairs on that arm stood up to salute his position. I started and Zak laughed rubbing my arms and soothing the goosebumps.

"like I haven't had to sit through the porno's you call dates before…" Zak was winking at his brother and I wondered what exactly he was referring to. To my surprise the older Adama blushed and I felt a whole new tickle in my stomach about him. He looked genuinely embarrassed and it was surprisingly sweet after the animal response he elicited from me a few minutes ago.

"I only respond to the ladies I never instigate." He looked appropriately uncomfortable.

"if responding includes stuffing your tongue down a girls throat with her hands in your pants sure…" Zak is taking wicked pleasure in embarrassing him now and I am kinda feeling sorry for him. He shakes his head and glances up at me while splaying his hands on the table next to his drink.

"I didn't want to make her feel rejected …I was trying to help her self esteem."

"always thinking of others."

He looked abashed, the self depreciating smirk turned into a quirky half smile as he looked at me. I felt my face warming under his azure gaze. I could see the brief flicker of insecurity and the subtle shadow of boyish charm replaced with brazen self confidence as I watched him lick his lips and wink at me as if the former moments hadn't taken place. The emotions that slid over his features were brief, the self assured closed expression replaced them perfectly. Total eclipse, and I realized this man would never let you see what he was thinking he would show you only what he intended you to see. Part of me wanted to see all those little glimpses. The hints of him. The perverse part wanted to see him angry, something to remember so I could cleanse my visual pallet of his haunting eyes.

Zak is handsome, passionate and tactile. He is a toucher. The older Adama brother isn't and it is evident. He tolerated Zak's proximity and his gestures of affection with a smile and a slightly uncomfortable look. It is obvious that he had put up with being accosted by his younger sibling his entire life. Lee's hands, however stayed on the table when Zak would hug him, he would lean in slightly obligingly offering his affectionate, overly demonstrative brother his presence but not his embrace. It was strange but it made me think of how a father would behave with a young boy, as if trying to model appropriate male roles to his offspring. Zak didn't seem to care and was constantly ruffling his brothers lighter hair and poking and pinching and just plain touching his brother. Lee, for his part looked like it was old hat.

His hands, were a focal point for me, a safe place to look. They were strangely well manicured, strong hands with the tapered fingers of an artist. They weren't meaty or boxy but they had the appearance of compact, sleek power. Zak's hands were blocky by comparison. Strong and wide, Zak's made Lee's look almost feminine. His fingers are stroking the table top while he and his brother talk about sports and I try to care about the C-bucks and can't suddenly his middle finger pops up and waggles at me and I laugh surprised. I look up and he is grinning at me and winks.

"cubit for your thoughts pretty lady…"

"don't hit on my girl Lee, You can find your own, or maybe a couple of your own…"

"pfft, you over estimate my marketing strategies…I am not looking for a girl. I…" He slams the rest of his drink. "don't need any thing but the hum of my viper and a cold shower afterwards…" He looks at the ceiling dismissively. while Zak pours him another drink from the bottle in the middle of the table. "besides, any girl who would date you….well I would have to guess slight brain damage ….maybe a congenital defect or something." He is laughing at his own joke and Zak looks annoyed in a little brother kinda way and I can't help but laugh.

"I may have hit my head a couple times in the cockpit when I was breaking your records back at the academy, but I am pretty sure there was no permanent damage to my head…your records however…" I grinned.

Surprise, and an honest smile that widened impossibly showing all of his teeth. Zak was rolling. This is the moment I fall in love with Lee Adama. He shakes his head and tries to be appropriately chagrined but ends up just laughing more. The electricity finally lets up with the expression of abandon on his face and I decide as long as I can keep him laughing I will never have to feel awkward with him.

---

"See I told you, you like him, I can tell…" Zak's hands on the small of my back as the sweat dries and the heart rates return to normal. He is smiling and happy that I have agreed that the evening with his brother had been a success. "I was worried at first you were acting so cagey."

"he is kinda intense, Zak. It was hard to get him at first."

"Oh no one ever 'gets' him. He does exactly what is expected of him, but I would be lying if I said that I understood him and I have more reason to than anyone else. The next time you meet him, he may not even resemble the man you met tonight. He is so….hell I dunno, Mom always said that he lives too much in his head and not enough out here with the rest of us."

"I could see that I guess." Wondering if anyone had ever described me as such and trying not to laugh at the thought. People would never think that about me even if it was true, I had a wicked auto pilot for my mouth and fist that made people think I never considered anything inside my head before doing it. I liked the freedom of letting the fist fly or the mouth run. I wondered what would come out of Lee if he ever did the same.

"it kinda grosses me out to sit here with you naked and talk about my brother though…tell me how much you love me…"

"I love you so much, I can't even put it to words…" I feel his brown eyes on me and I curl up head on his chest listening to his heartbeat trying to not wonder what his big brother was doing.

---

It's normal to be curious about someone you were in the Academy with but never got to know …isn't it? Well that's my excuse, that's what I am telling myself as I look through the pictures in Zak's room and trying not to rummage through the ones that don't have both boys in them. Damn, I certainly hope I am not 'that' girl. Every available man doesn't need to love me. I don't have to be the center of attention for both of them. Why then do I want to know as much about the older brother as I can? Is it some kind of preemptive defense, like maybe a picture of him with braces and pimples will stop the uncomfortable shiver whenever he shows up unexpected? He seems completely uninterested in me, thankfully. If he looked at me with the look he did when he fist walked up to our table the night I met him, I would never, never be able to keep myself from doing something incredibly unforgivable, terribly scandalous, inevitably disastrous to my relationship with Zak.

Zak made me feel warm, happy and safe. He tells me I am beautiful, intelligent and hilarious. He treats me like no one ever has. He makes me feel protective, possessive and strong.

Lee, for his part tries to illicit nothing. In trying he makes me feel hungry. He makes my anger flare, my skin ignite and my passion throb. Its with sick realization that I swallow those things and try hard just to like him. It's a tall order for someone who has a violent physical reaction to his presence. Part of me would be happy hating him. My love for Zak dictates that I make peace with that part and try to get by. I know to the deepest roots of my soul that my response to Lee will never go away and it will take all of my will power and the love I have for Zak to keep me from succumbing to my base needs and urges. I know its not love, its lust, it could have been love maybe, if the timing had been right if the stars had been positioned in the correct way. But they weren't and now I was with one brother that I loved deeply and trying to fight off the desire to frak the other just to get the 'tingle' to go away. It was embarrassing and it made me resentful of him.

We fell into patterns of baiting and purposeful ribbing to keep each other at an arms length. It became part of who I am. I unloosed my venom on him and worked to keep him laughing so that the look on his face would not turn to that searching one that made my hips feel loose and weak. He acted, or maybe was oblivious. I'll never know for sure if he was or not. We were carefully silly or serious respectively, always keeping our eyes somewhere other than each other. He helped me without trying. Never gave the impression that he viewed me as anything other than an extension of Zak.

For weeks we are inseparable, my desire to keep him close helped me be a friend. We grew closer as the days passed and yet the space between us was perfect, constant and comfortable. I learned that he was funny, if somewhat pun happy, generous and sweet when he opened up. He was also maddeningly arrogant, stubborn and when he and Zak fought I saw a steel in him that was frightening and yet he could never stay mad at Zak and the younger brother always ended up getting his way. Zak is the only person on the planet that Lee did not hold a grudge with. Anyone else was fair game and Lee was completely unforgiving and inflexible.

The first time we flew together was the end of my life. I knew afterwards that I couldn't have done anything worse for my resolve. There was nothing smart about taking him on. He was sex with wings. When we landed Zak ran to me and his eyes registered my arousal and misread it. I frakked him in the alley behind the hanger without even telling Lee we were leaving. It was the first time I ever imagined anyone but him in my arms. It was not the last.

We were trying to fix our clothes when he found us. He looked like he had run a marathon and when he met my eyes I knew he knew. He stiffly stated that he had to go and asked us to take his car back because he had been called for placement, there had been an opening on the Alantia, and he was going to meet with her commanding officer to see if it was right for him. He walked away as if his spine was made of steel. Zak wished him luck and he waved and nodded without looking back.

"hmmpf, think he's having an episode…" Zak mused, obviously hurt by Lee's coldness.

"what do you mean episode?"

"He used to get all 'internal' when Dad would leave or every once in a while when I would try to defend Dad. He would get all distant and quiet for days. Usually took mom, or a quick frak as we got older to pull him out of it. Broke a lot of hearts, my brother when he was working through his issues."

He rubs my back kissing my neck and I feel sick thinking of some stranger touching him sometime in the next 24 hours because I know he will find someone to…and I wanted badly to be the one who he came to. I hated myself for it but I had sex with Zak three more times that day and never once did he have brown eyes.

Lee accepted the position right before my life took the last downward turn.

For my part I had refocused all my energy to Zak and was blissfully happy that we were alone again, free from Lee. Zak and I spent the last couple weeks of his life very much in love and completely happy. I sincerely thought that I would be able to deal with the Lee issue as we grew past the dating stage to the marriage and it didn't hurt that I would still be able to watch Lee's life from the sidelines. I don't think I thought of him once in the three days before the accident. I didn't think of him at all the day of and I was unable to look at him during the funeral as I was in my own personal hell.

When I heard the things he was shouting at his father I realized I would never be allowed to ease my conscience by confiding in him. Everything I knew was my fault, he was pining on his father with a hateful vehemence that chilled my soul to the core.

Lee would never forgive me. So I would do my penance by sticking by the father that he attacked. I would comfort the man who received no comfort from his remaining son. I knew Lee wouldn't forgive for a long time. I knew I would never teach again. I knew Zak was never coming home. I felt like the end of the world had happened and someone had forgotten to tell me.

And then it did.

"have you heard about Apollo?" Tyrol meets my gaze and shakes his head. I don't understand for a second and then it hits me.
"right. Any news on Sharon?"

Why did my head just tie my dead fiance's brother and the chief's lover together? Oh gods, could he really be gone? I have to get outa here. I would never be granted absolution. I was thankful I had never told Lee how I felt because that would have made this too real. I would have been obligated to respond to his death. Thank the gods that I had kept my mouth shut. Then I thought of his eyes after we flew together. He knew, he had never said as much, and even given his ability to ignore all indications better than anyone I have ever met, he knew. I pulled the picture off the mirror and unfolded it. It didn't matter now, I was being let off the hook. I would never have to look at him and feel guilty for knowing I wanted him when I was not supposed to. I would never get to reminisce about our antics while Zak was alive, Or compare notes on our academy days. I would never have to try to keep him at a distance to avoid those feelings coming out. I would never have the chance to screw up now. I was relieved.

It was the last straw, my heart and brain gave up and I realized I would die soon. Not soon enough, but soon and I would take as many of those cylon bastards with me as I could.

"Lords of Kobol….hear my prayer…."