Disclaimer: I don't own 'em.......
Title: Someone to Watch Over
By: a fan
Spoilers: Pilot
Feedback: Always welcome just email me at [email protected]
A/N: Thanks for the wonderful thoughtful reviews. They make a huge difference for me. It's true that the show has actually glossed over how Logan deals with his disability. You might not have noticed but they have never even showed him getting in or out of his car with the chair. I've seen some friends and family deal with these things and in reality it's a daily grind overcoming all the obstacles. So, I hope you guys are ready for a lot more angst and hopefully a few resolutions.
Chapter 3: Healing
Max avoided Logan's for a couple of weeks after the slide board day. She knew that there would be months of work ahead for Logan and she wasn't sure she could endure it. She couldn't just sit on the roof and watch Logan struggle without doing something, anything to help him. But, she didn't know what she could do. She knew for a fact that she couldn't visit him. Logan still hadn't allowed any of his family or friends back into his life. And after they way they had parted before he was shot she was sure he wouldn't want to see her either. All she could do was watch and wait and hope for him. The problem was that Max was great at action but watching and waiting and hoping she was not so sure about.
In the end her feline DNA got the best of her.
"Curiosity killed the cat." Max chastised herself as she climb the fire escape to her roof perch. "Great Max! Now you're quoting stupid cliches!"
It was 10 a.m. and Max had wangled a couple of hours away from Jam Pony by promising to work through the lunch hour and do some runs after hours. It also didn't hurt that she had worked her tail off for Normal in the last two weeks. She had spent so much of her life running and wishing for the things she never had. But, for the first time she felt an immense gratitude for the simple things in her life that she did have. The freedom and movement as she pedaled her bike became a wonderful experience for her. She lived for the feeling of the wind in her hair and the contractions of her leg muscles as they effortlessly powered the pedals. She couldn't spend enough time on the road so she filled her pack with packages and when she had delivered them all she raced back for more.
For two hours Max watched Logan work with Bling. There were no significant changes to the program yet there was a visible difference as they worked. Logan was able to do more repetitions than that first day but he also seemed to have a greater confidence and conviction in what he was doing.
Max also noticed that Bling had slowly started chipping away at Logan's protective shell, encouraging him to open up a little and unload some of the weight he was carrying. His first mission was to find out why Logan had completely avoided his computer room since he had come home from the hospital. So with a few simple questions he brought the subject up.
"Logan, mind if I take a look at your computer? I love to play with those things." Bling sounding almost like a school kid asking to borrow a friend's toy.
"Sure...whatever." Logan seemed distracted as if its mention brought back some haunting memories.
So Bling fooled around on the computer for about a half hour then caught up with Logan who was back staring out the window.
"Great system you got there. Whadaya use it for?" Bling's tone was light and conversational but he could see Logan tense as he brought up the subject again.
"Research mostly. I used to write a few articles once in a while." It was obvious that Logan was hiding something that hurt him deeply so Bling casually changed the subject.
"Cool. You ready for some lunch?" He pushed Logan over to the kitchen.
Just knowing that Bling was there to help Logan along put Max's mind at ease. As the days rolled into weeks Max continued her vigil. She found that her mood was totally tied to Logan's progress however small or big. She would replay every workout in her head while she was at work. The day Logan completed his first sit up she was ecstatic. Then the next day he shocked her by doing five and the week after that he did ten. Max was amazed at Logan's determination. It seemed that Logan transferred the intensity that he normally reserved for his Eyes Only work to his training program. When the gang at work would catch her smiling for no reason she would just answer "It's all good." Max was grateful they didn't ask her why because there was no way she could explain it to them.
A couple of weeks later Bling pushed the computer subject a little bit further.
"I've rarely seen a system like yours Logan. You've got a lot of great stuff here, scanning and surveillance equipment and sophisticated hacking hardware and software. You've got a lot more than you would need to break through a couple of firewalls here and there. What do you do with this stuff anyway?'
"Nothing, I'm planning to sell it." Then Logan's curiosity was piqued. "How do you know about this stuff anyway?"
"I've worked some security in my day. But I much prefer whipping guys like you into shape."
Logan smiled at that comment so was caught off guard with the next question.
"You can tell me Logan, get it off your chest."
"I was also doing some security work. But my last job went sideways." Logan tried to appear calm but there was intense pain in his eyes.
"Your Doc told me that you had been shot when I came on board but he didn't go into the circumstances. It had to do with this last job didn't it?"
"Yeah" Logan's tone indicated that he wished they wouldn't talk about this.
"I have a lot of respect for you Man. It takes a lot of courage to take another's safety into your hands." The sincerity was obvious in Bling's voice. "Sometimes things don't go the way we want but it doesn't mean it wasn't worth doing."
Bling seemed to realize that although Logan was strengthening physically his emotional wounds were much deeper and more difficult to heal. Logan would often pour his frustrations out during their rehab sessions, pushing and pulling the weights with ferocity. Bling would have to slow him down and sometimes stop him all together for fear he would injure himself. At other times Logan would fight Bling at every turn, questioning the need and value of each exercise. On those nights Logan would end up back at the window staring at the rain and waiting for the morning to come. And from across the street Max could do nothing more than endure it with him.
Bling worked hard to pull Logan out of himself, to break through the protective shell that he had trapped himself in. He encouraged Logan to return some of the calls that were coming in but was always met with a steely no. So instead he would spend hours trying to coax conversation out of Logan to pull him away from his overwhelming thoughts and to help him to find a few moments of peace or even forgetfulness.
Bling also continued to push the subject of Logan's "security work". He knew that was where a lot of Logan's pain was coming from. It was late one night and Logan was back watching the rain, seemingly trapped in the past that haunted him.
"Tell me about it Logan." Bling's voice was gentle as he waited patiently by the window. After what seemed like an eternity Logan began to talk.
"I was protecting Lauren Braganza and her daughter. She was going to testify against Edward Sonrisa. I was trying to get her to witness protection when we were ambushed. I promised her that she and her daughter would be safe but the last thing I remember Sophy was being ripped out of my arms. Oh God! What did I do? I'm the great Eyes Only," Logan said the words in disgust. "but I didn't have eyes to see what I was getting that woman and her daughter into. I've got a lot of blood on my hands from that day."
"It must be really hard man, to loose your whole security crew in one fight. But at least Sonrisa is dead and Ms. Berganza and her daughter got connected with the witness protection program."
"She did?" Logan was shocked to hear the news. He had assumed that everyone had been killed. He had been so sick in the hospital that he never thought to ask and no one had even considered telling him. Max was as shocked as Logan. She couldn't believe that he didn't know. No wonder he carried such a heavy burden.
"You didn't know? Nobody told you?" Bling was incredulous.
"I've been kinda out of the loop." Logan said shakily. "They made it? But my guys didn't..." There was relief but also great sorrow in his voice.
"Nobody knows why Sonrisa was killed." Bling was trying to offer a good piece of news.
"Max." Logan whispered her name. He had thought she was long gone but somehow he knew that she had made this happen.
"Max? I recognize that name. She's the girl that got you away from the second sniper attempt. Your Doc told me about her. She told him you needed a room with a better view." Bling almost laughed. "Then she disappeared."
"She what?" Logan's mind was reeling. Sam had mentioned a second attempt on his life but it was all part of the cloud around him as he slowly came back to consciousness in the hospital. He couldn't remember the details of anything. But that sounded just like Max. Her sarcasm never failed her.
"Has she called?" Logan asked as if he almost expected her to be checking in on him.
"Not yet. But judging from her actions so far you'll be seeing her when the time is right."
Max was irate. How could Bling sound so confident about the way she would act? He hadn't even met her. The guy had some balls! It was eery for Max listening to them talk about her. She almost took off but she decided to stick it through.
Logan turned back to his usual place by the window. For the first time some of the enormous weight seemed to have lifted off his shoulders. Logan searched in Max's direction as if he was looking for something or someone. He was looking right at her almost as if he could see her, although Max knew that was not possible.
"Thank you Max." He whispered into the night. Max could see the relief and gratitude in his eyes.
"You're welcome Logan." Max smiled back in his direction.
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Bling's primary goal had become to break Logan out of the prison he had built for himself. Helping Logan reveal his Eyes Only work and share his grief about that day helped but there were still so many barriers to break through. Logan was still very isolated and had not yet even ventured out of the apartment. So Bling started chipping away again. He would casually invite Logan to go shopping or run a few errands with him but was met with a look that Max could only describe as pure terror. As she looked at Logan's eyes during those moments Max realized the depth of his wounds and her soul ached for him.
But with kindness and persistence Bling tore down one hurdle at a time. After another sleepless night he caught Logan staring longingly at a beautiful sunrise and he gently tried again.
"It's beautiful isn't it?" Bling asked.
"Yeah, I can't remember the last time I had the sun shining on my face." Logan was yearning to get as close to it as he could.
"Let's go down and really enjoy it." Max could see Logan visibly tense at the words, but Bling persisted.
"We'll just go as far as the curb." Bling was considerate of Logan's apprehension. "We'll have the street to ourselves. Everybody is still asleep. You'll see it's not so bad out there." He brought Logan his jacket and when he accepted it he headed towards to door of the apartment. Logan hesitatingly followed. It was obvious that he was very self-conscious as Bling coaxed him out of the building. There was fear in his eyes. Fear that he wouldn't be able to navigate the traffic or the curbs or cross the street fast enough. And fear of whom he would meet and how they would look at him. It was obvious that he felt totally vulnerable as he left the security of his apartment. But Bling was true to his word and he found a spot near the corner where they could just sit and bask in the sun. And as it rose in the sky its warm rays wrapped themselves around both men. Up on the roof Max maneuvered herself into the sunlight as well. And so the three of them stayed there for a long time letting the sun shine on their faces and its light enter into their souls.
The next day with Bling's encouragement Logan ventured as far as the neighbourhood park. The quietness of the place somehow seemed to calm him. He watched the children playing for a long time before he asked Bling to go home. And so a door was opened. From then on Logan and Bling would go out every day to shop or run errands or just for long walks around the park. Max would sometimes follow along, watching from a distance, but she still preferred to be on the roof where she could hear Logan's voice and see his eyes.
It had been two and a half months, but even after telling Bling about Eyes Only Logan had still not once ventured near his computer. As he moved about his apartment he didn't even look that way. It seemed that when he lost the use of his legs he also lost Eyes Only. Bling would encourage him to review what was coming through on the informant net but Logan just avoided it.
In the middle of a workout one day Bling brought the subject up again.
"Logan, why don't you bring Eyes Only back?" His voice was questioning but also encouraging.
"I can't. I don't have the energy for it anymore, or the strength. I was an idiot to think I could change the world. What a load of crap!" Logan paused for a moment then continued ironically. " Well I did manage to change something. I made a mess of my life and the lives of a lot of other people."
Bling had heard these reasons many times before and he was no longer going to put up with them. Bling grabbed the large mirror hanging behind the bathroom door and propped it up against the exercise table. He rolled Logan in front of the mirror.
"Take a look." Logan glanced at himself then quickly looked away as if he was ashamed of the person he saw looking back at him.
"Logan, look again, really look this time and tell me what you see." Bling was so intense that Logan complied.
"I see a man who screwed up his life and the lives of those that relied on him. I screwed up the one thing I thought I was good at and it cost my friends' lives. I'm working so hard to gain some freedom from this chair but sometimes I feel I deserve this steel trap that I'm in. That I'm being punished for my arrogance, in thinking that I could change the world."
"Let me tell you what I see." Bling stared intently at Logan in the mirror.
"I see a man who is willing to risk everything for what is right. A man of courage and determination who is willing to fight battles even under impossible odds. A man who's paid a heavy price for freedom but won't give up. A man who I would follow and fight for and die with."
They both looked at the mirror for a long time asking themselves if the men they saw staring back at them were the men they wanted to be. As Max watched them she could tell that Logan wasn't sure that he was the man Bling described. But she felt in her heart that he did have that strength inside him and that he just needed the time to heal and find it within himself again.
The next day Logan returned to his computer for the first time since he came home from the hospital. He tentatively clicked on the first file and began to read. He was soon immersed in the waves of information that continued to come over the informant net despite the fact that he hadn't responded in months. From then on his Eyes Only research became a regular part of his life. He would spend hours each day organizing collating and archiving the endless stream of information that came through the net. As he worked Max knew that he was preparing for the day when he would do more than research, when he would need to act.
And so Max watched Logan slowly piece his life back together again. Even as his legs continued to atrophy she watched him gain physical and emotional strength. He no longer relied on Bling so intensely but began to find strength within himself. He would even venture out on his own into the crowds that had terrified him so much a few weeks before. Max could see the muscle tone beginning to return to his arms and back as he worked hard to push the wheels of his chair. He would then return home to train with Bling for a few hours. He would spend his evenings writing and posting articles on the cyber news network. He even started cooking for Bling telling him jokingly that he was sick of having the same three meals over and over again. As Max watched him on those days it seemed that maybe Logan could have a normal life again. But every so often something would happen to remind Max that things really weren't "all good" and that despite his progress Logan still had huge hurdles to overcome.
A few evenings later Max was back at her post listening to Logan prepare for dinner in the kitchen. He and Bling had had a great workout that day so he was in a great mood. He rolled over to the fridge to check out the supplies. "Bling whadaya want for dinner?" he shouted over his shoulder as he quickly pulled the door open. Logan's chair was in an awkward angle because he had turned to talk to Bling and the door hit his foot pedal with full force. Max heard a pitcher of milk crash down onto the floor sending glass and liquid everywhere.
"No." Logan almost whispered the word as if he was trying to push away the anger that was welling up inside him. Then he repeated it louder. "No!" But as his frustrations overwhelmed him he could just repeat it over and over again. "No. No. No. No." And with a fury he didn't know he had he slammed the door repeatedly into his chair sending most of the contents of the fridge onto the floor.
"Easy Man" Bling tried to calm Logan down but was met with a furious gaze.
"Leave it! I'll clean it up later." Logan left the mess in the kitchen and rolled over to the window.
An hour later Bling came and stood beside Logan.
"I'm sorry." Logan apologized as he continued to stare out the window. "I was thinking about other things and I just forgot to leave enough clearance between the fridge door and my chair." Logan paused for a moment then continued in a sad voice. "Sometimes I get so tired of having to adapt to my so-called "new life". Of having to think if my chair is in the way of a door. Or of how I'm going to get around or over or through an obstacle. Of having to renovate the bathroom so I can wheel in to take a shower and put bars by the toilet so I don't fall off and break my neck at night. Of building a lower worktable in the kitchen so I can cook and of having to move everything into the lower cupboards because the high ones are useless to me now. Of having to call ahead to see if there are stairs or elevators where I want to go. Of having to think about and plan every move that I make. I'm tired of slide boards and all the miraculous aids that I can't live without but remind me of my disability every moment of every day. I just wish I could have one day when I wasn't reminded of these things."
Both Max and Bling knew that they couldn't say anything that could make these things go away. So they stood with Logan and silently shared his burden with him, Bling at his side and Max across the chasm that she still couldn't breach.
Logan broke the silence himself.
"No use crying over spilled milk." He was trying so hard to face his life again.
"Bling... help me clean up?" He asked sheepishly.
"My pleasure man." Bling followed Logan into the kitchen. Together they cleaned up the day's mess and prepared themselves to meet tomorrow.
Then next day brought the event that Logan had been preparing for the last three months.
'Oh God!... Bling! ..." Logan had just pulled a post off the informant net. As Bling raced over Logan was already on the phone calling his contact. He pointed to the post entitled "40 killed-Andrea Marlene" which was still on his screen. "Bling, could you get on the net and see what you can pull up on these guys?" For hours, Logan and Bling poured over the Andrea Marlene file looking for possible leads as to who was responsible for the deaths. In a quite moment Bling looked up at Logan with an intent look on his face.
"You're doin' good man." It was more than a compliment about Logan's work. It was a statement about how far Logan had come.
"Thanks, but I've still got a long way to go." Logan was taken by surprise.
"I know. But you've been working your ass off. You're on the right road." Logan smiled at the encouragement and buried his head back in the files. A few minutes later he looked back up at Bling.
"Thanks for putting me back together."
"Don't mention it." Now it was Bling's turn to be surprised.
"No I mean it. I know I've fought you almost every step of the way but I probably would've died those first couple of weeks without your help. I definitely wouldn't be doing what I am doing now. I'd probably still be in a corner somewhere terrified of the world. You've helped me to reclaim my life."
Bling was used to getting thanks from his clients but Logan's gratitude affected him at a much deeper level. They had developed much more than a typical client therapist relationship. As they worked together and fought so many physical and emotional battles together they built an unbreakable bond between them. Max understood this completely because she had the same relationship with her brothers and sisters and it had endured even after all the years of not seeing them.
Bling tried to voice the respect and admiration he had for Logan but he felt his words couldn't portray how he really felt.
"I'm honored Man... I really am."
They worked through the night and all of the next day barely stopping to eat or stretch. Then they were right back at work again putting together their case. Max could tell that they were getting close to their target. That evening Logan started setting up his broadcast equipment. He was ready. He put on his headset, turned on the camera and began his first broadcast in three months.
"This is a streaming freedom video..."
"It's time." Max climbed down off the roof of the building and let herself into Logan's apartment. She had waited a long time for this day and she hadn't even known what she was waiting for. But now that it was here she knew. He gratitude to Bling for helping it happen and her admiration of Logan for fighting his way back were immeasurable.
"Forty seven people paying twenty thousand each to be smuggled into Canada so that they could earn enough money to eat are dead. They were marched overboard last night by their ruthless handlers who operate with the knowledge, support and active collaboration of government officials only too happy to look the other way for a piece of the action. This must never happen again. Those responsible are on notice. Their power and privilege will not protect them. They will be held accountable... "
As Logan finished his broadcast Max walked quietly into the room and casually leaned into the doorjamb.
"This has been a streaming freedom video bulletin via the Eyes Only informant net. Peace. Out."
"Peace." Max could hear the sadness in Logan's voice as he said the word. He wanted so much for everyone to have it yet he knew from personal experience that it took a lot of work to find it.
Logan caught her figure in the corner of his eye and turned toward her.
"I see you are back at it, rocking the boat." Max had a tone of cautious amusement in her voice. She kept her distance, staying in the doorway. She didn't want to get too close to this man who had affected her so deeply.
"Somebody's got to." Logan replied with the same sadness but also with his old determination.
'I would have come sooner... but... I didn't." Her comment came out sarcastic. Max wasn't about to let him in on how concerned she was for him. But her heart betrayed her as she smiled nervously hoping that he wouldn't reject her. "How're you do'in?" Max moved a little closer to Logan...
And you know the rest....
PEACE. OUT.
Title: Someone to Watch Over
By: a fan
Spoilers: Pilot
Feedback: Always welcome just email me at [email protected]
A/N: Thanks for the wonderful thoughtful reviews. They make a huge difference for me. It's true that the show has actually glossed over how Logan deals with his disability. You might not have noticed but they have never even showed him getting in or out of his car with the chair. I've seen some friends and family deal with these things and in reality it's a daily grind overcoming all the obstacles. So, I hope you guys are ready for a lot more angst and hopefully a few resolutions.
Chapter 3: Healing
Max avoided Logan's for a couple of weeks after the slide board day. She knew that there would be months of work ahead for Logan and she wasn't sure she could endure it. She couldn't just sit on the roof and watch Logan struggle without doing something, anything to help him. But, she didn't know what she could do. She knew for a fact that she couldn't visit him. Logan still hadn't allowed any of his family or friends back into his life. And after they way they had parted before he was shot she was sure he wouldn't want to see her either. All she could do was watch and wait and hope for him. The problem was that Max was great at action but watching and waiting and hoping she was not so sure about.
In the end her feline DNA got the best of her.
"Curiosity killed the cat." Max chastised herself as she climb the fire escape to her roof perch. "Great Max! Now you're quoting stupid cliches!"
It was 10 a.m. and Max had wangled a couple of hours away from Jam Pony by promising to work through the lunch hour and do some runs after hours. It also didn't hurt that she had worked her tail off for Normal in the last two weeks. She had spent so much of her life running and wishing for the things she never had. But, for the first time she felt an immense gratitude for the simple things in her life that she did have. The freedom and movement as she pedaled her bike became a wonderful experience for her. She lived for the feeling of the wind in her hair and the contractions of her leg muscles as they effortlessly powered the pedals. She couldn't spend enough time on the road so she filled her pack with packages and when she had delivered them all she raced back for more.
For two hours Max watched Logan work with Bling. There were no significant changes to the program yet there was a visible difference as they worked. Logan was able to do more repetitions than that first day but he also seemed to have a greater confidence and conviction in what he was doing.
Max also noticed that Bling had slowly started chipping away at Logan's protective shell, encouraging him to open up a little and unload some of the weight he was carrying. His first mission was to find out why Logan had completely avoided his computer room since he had come home from the hospital. So with a few simple questions he brought the subject up.
"Logan, mind if I take a look at your computer? I love to play with those things." Bling sounding almost like a school kid asking to borrow a friend's toy.
"Sure...whatever." Logan seemed distracted as if its mention brought back some haunting memories.
So Bling fooled around on the computer for about a half hour then caught up with Logan who was back staring out the window.
"Great system you got there. Whadaya use it for?" Bling's tone was light and conversational but he could see Logan tense as he brought up the subject again.
"Research mostly. I used to write a few articles once in a while." It was obvious that Logan was hiding something that hurt him deeply so Bling casually changed the subject.
"Cool. You ready for some lunch?" He pushed Logan over to the kitchen.
Just knowing that Bling was there to help Logan along put Max's mind at ease. As the days rolled into weeks Max continued her vigil. She found that her mood was totally tied to Logan's progress however small or big. She would replay every workout in her head while she was at work. The day Logan completed his first sit up she was ecstatic. Then the next day he shocked her by doing five and the week after that he did ten. Max was amazed at Logan's determination. It seemed that Logan transferred the intensity that he normally reserved for his Eyes Only work to his training program. When the gang at work would catch her smiling for no reason she would just answer "It's all good." Max was grateful they didn't ask her why because there was no way she could explain it to them.
A couple of weeks later Bling pushed the computer subject a little bit further.
"I've rarely seen a system like yours Logan. You've got a lot of great stuff here, scanning and surveillance equipment and sophisticated hacking hardware and software. You've got a lot more than you would need to break through a couple of firewalls here and there. What do you do with this stuff anyway?'
"Nothing, I'm planning to sell it." Then Logan's curiosity was piqued. "How do you know about this stuff anyway?"
"I've worked some security in my day. But I much prefer whipping guys like you into shape."
Logan smiled at that comment so was caught off guard with the next question.
"You can tell me Logan, get it off your chest."
"I was also doing some security work. But my last job went sideways." Logan tried to appear calm but there was intense pain in his eyes.
"Your Doc told me that you had been shot when I came on board but he didn't go into the circumstances. It had to do with this last job didn't it?"
"Yeah" Logan's tone indicated that he wished they wouldn't talk about this.
"I have a lot of respect for you Man. It takes a lot of courage to take another's safety into your hands." The sincerity was obvious in Bling's voice. "Sometimes things don't go the way we want but it doesn't mean it wasn't worth doing."
Bling seemed to realize that although Logan was strengthening physically his emotional wounds were much deeper and more difficult to heal. Logan would often pour his frustrations out during their rehab sessions, pushing and pulling the weights with ferocity. Bling would have to slow him down and sometimes stop him all together for fear he would injure himself. At other times Logan would fight Bling at every turn, questioning the need and value of each exercise. On those nights Logan would end up back at the window staring at the rain and waiting for the morning to come. And from across the street Max could do nothing more than endure it with him.
Bling worked hard to pull Logan out of himself, to break through the protective shell that he had trapped himself in. He encouraged Logan to return some of the calls that were coming in but was always met with a steely no. So instead he would spend hours trying to coax conversation out of Logan to pull him away from his overwhelming thoughts and to help him to find a few moments of peace or even forgetfulness.
Bling also continued to push the subject of Logan's "security work". He knew that was where a lot of Logan's pain was coming from. It was late one night and Logan was back watching the rain, seemingly trapped in the past that haunted him.
"Tell me about it Logan." Bling's voice was gentle as he waited patiently by the window. After what seemed like an eternity Logan began to talk.
"I was protecting Lauren Braganza and her daughter. She was going to testify against Edward Sonrisa. I was trying to get her to witness protection when we were ambushed. I promised her that she and her daughter would be safe but the last thing I remember Sophy was being ripped out of my arms. Oh God! What did I do? I'm the great Eyes Only," Logan said the words in disgust. "but I didn't have eyes to see what I was getting that woman and her daughter into. I've got a lot of blood on my hands from that day."
"It must be really hard man, to loose your whole security crew in one fight. But at least Sonrisa is dead and Ms. Berganza and her daughter got connected with the witness protection program."
"She did?" Logan was shocked to hear the news. He had assumed that everyone had been killed. He had been so sick in the hospital that he never thought to ask and no one had even considered telling him. Max was as shocked as Logan. She couldn't believe that he didn't know. No wonder he carried such a heavy burden.
"You didn't know? Nobody told you?" Bling was incredulous.
"I've been kinda out of the loop." Logan said shakily. "They made it? But my guys didn't..." There was relief but also great sorrow in his voice.
"Nobody knows why Sonrisa was killed." Bling was trying to offer a good piece of news.
"Max." Logan whispered her name. He had thought she was long gone but somehow he knew that she had made this happen.
"Max? I recognize that name. She's the girl that got you away from the second sniper attempt. Your Doc told me about her. She told him you needed a room with a better view." Bling almost laughed. "Then she disappeared."
"She what?" Logan's mind was reeling. Sam had mentioned a second attempt on his life but it was all part of the cloud around him as he slowly came back to consciousness in the hospital. He couldn't remember the details of anything. But that sounded just like Max. Her sarcasm never failed her.
"Has she called?" Logan asked as if he almost expected her to be checking in on him.
"Not yet. But judging from her actions so far you'll be seeing her when the time is right."
Max was irate. How could Bling sound so confident about the way she would act? He hadn't even met her. The guy had some balls! It was eery for Max listening to them talk about her. She almost took off but she decided to stick it through.
Logan turned back to his usual place by the window. For the first time some of the enormous weight seemed to have lifted off his shoulders. Logan searched in Max's direction as if he was looking for something or someone. He was looking right at her almost as if he could see her, although Max knew that was not possible.
"Thank you Max." He whispered into the night. Max could see the relief and gratitude in his eyes.
"You're welcome Logan." Max smiled back in his direction.
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Bling's primary goal had become to break Logan out of the prison he had built for himself. Helping Logan reveal his Eyes Only work and share his grief about that day helped but there were still so many barriers to break through. Logan was still very isolated and had not yet even ventured out of the apartment. So Bling started chipping away again. He would casually invite Logan to go shopping or run a few errands with him but was met with a look that Max could only describe as pure terror. As she looked at Logan's eyes during those moments Max realized the depth of his wounds and her soul ached for him.
But with kindness and persistence Bling tore down one hurdle at a time. After another sleepless night he caught Logan staring longingly at a beautiful sunrise and he gently tried again.
"It's beautiful isn't it?" Bling asked.
"Yeah, I can't remember the last time I had the sun shining on my face." Logan was yearning to get as close to it as he could.
"Let's go down and really enjoy it." Max could see Logan visibly tense at the words, but Bling persisted.
"We'll just go as far as the curb." Bling was considerate of Logan's apprehension. "We'll have the street to ourselves. Everybody is still asleep. You'll see it's not so bad out there." He brought Logan his jacket and when he accepted it he headed towards to door of the apartment. Logan hesitatingly followed. It was obvious that he was very self-conscious as Bling coaxed him out of the building. There was fear in his eyes. Fear that he wouldn't be able to navigate the traffic or the curbs or cross the street fast enough. And fear of whom he would meet and how they would look at him. It was obvious that he felt totally vulnerable as he left the security of his apartment. But Bling was true to his word and he found a spot near the corner where they could just sit and bask in the sun. And as it rose in the sky its warm rays wrapped themselves around both men. Up on the roof Max maneuvered herself into the sunlight as well. And so the three of them stayed there for a long time letting the sun shine on their faces and its light enter into their souls.
The next day with Bling's encouragement Logan ventured as far as the neighbourhood park. The quietness of the place somehow seemed to calm him. He watched the children playing for a long time before he asked Bling to go home. And so a door was opened. From then on Logan and Bling would go out every day to shop or run errands or just for long walks around the park. Max would sometimes follow along, watching from a distance, but she still preferred to be on the roof where she could hear Logan's voice and see his eyes.
It had been two and a half months, but even after telling Bling about Eyes Only Logan had still not once ventured near his computer. As he moved about his apartment he didn't even look that way. It seemed that when he lost the use of his legs he also lost Eyes Only. Bling would encourage him to review what was coming through on the informant net but Logan just avoided it.
In the middle of a workout one day Bling brought the subject up again.
"Logan, why don't you bring Eyes Only back?" His voice was questioning but also encouraging.
"I can't. I don't have the energy for it anymore, or the strength. I was an idiot to think I could change the world. What a load of crap!" Logan paused for a moment then continued ironically. " Well I did manage to change something. I made a mess of my life and the lives of a lot of other people."
Bling had heard these reasons many times before and he was no longer going to put up with them. Bling grabbed the large mirror hanging behind the bathroom door and propped it up against the exercise table. He rolled Logan in front of the mirror.
"Take a look." Logan glanced at himself then quickly looked away as if he was ashamed of the person he saw looking back at him.
"Logan, look again, really look this time and tell me what you see." Bling was so intense that Logan complied.
"I see a man who screwed up his life and the lives of those that relied on him. I screwed up the one thing I thought I was good at and it cost my friends' lives. I'm working so hard to gain some freedom from this chair but sometimes I feel I deserve this steel trap that I'm in. That I'm being punished for my arrogance, in thinking that I could change the world."
"Let me tell you what I see." Bling stared intently at Logan in the mirror.
"I see a man who is willing to risk everything for what is right. A man of courage and determination who is willing to fight battles even under impossible odds. A man who's paid a heavy price for freedom but won't give up. A man who I would follow and fight for and die with."
They both looked at the mirror for a long time asking themselves if the men they saw staring back at them were the men they wanted to be. As Max watched them she could tell that Logan wasn't sure that he was the man Bling described. But she felt in her heart that he did have that strength inside him and that he just needed the time to heal and find it within himself again.
The next day Logan returned to his computer for the first time since he came home from the hospital. He tentatively clicked on the first file and began to read. He was soon immersed in the waves of information that continued to come over the informant net despite the fact that he hadn't responded in months. From then on his Eyes Only research became a regular part of his life. He would spend hours each day organizing collating and archiving the endless stream of information that came through the net. As he worked Max knew that he was preparing for the day when he would do more than research, when he would need to act.
And so Max watched Logan slowly piece his life back together again. Even as his legs continued to atrophy she watched him gain physical and emotional strength. He no longer relied on Bling so intensely but began to find strength within himself. He would even venture out on his own into the crowds that had terrified him so much a few weeks before. Max could see the muscle tone beginning to return to his arms and back as he worked hard to push the wheels of his chair. He would then return home to train with Bling for a few hours. He would spend his evenings writing and posting articles on the cyber news network. He even started cooking for Bling telling him jokingly that he was sick of having the same three meals over and over again. As Max watched him on those days it seemed that maybe Logan could have a normal life again. But every so often something would happen to remind Max that things really weren't "all good" and that despite his progress Logan still had huge hurdles to overcome.
A few evenings later Max was back at her post listening to Logan prepare for dinner in the kitchen. He and Bling had had a great workout that day so he was in a great mood. He rolled over to the fridge to check out the supplies. "Bling whadaya want for dinner?" he shouted over his shoulder as he quickly pulled the door open. Logan's chair was in an awkward angle because he had turned to talk to Bling and the door hit his foot pedal with full force. Max heard a pitcher of milk crash down onto the floor sending glass and liquid everywhere.
"No." Logan almost whispered the word as if he was trying to push away the anger that was welling up inside him. Then he repeated it louder. "No!" But as his frustrations overwhelmed him he could just repeat it over and over again. "No. No. No. No." And with a fury he didn't know he had he slammed the door repeatedly into his chair sending most of the contents of the fridge onto the floor.
"Easy Man" Bling tried to calm Logan down but was met with a furious gaze.
"Leave it! I'll clean it up later." Logan left the mess in the kitchen and rolled over to the window.
An hour later Bling came and stood beside Logan.
"I'm sorry." Logan apologized as he continued to stare out the window. "I was thinking about other things and I just forgot to leave enough clearance between the fridge door and my chair." Logan paused for a moment then continued in a sad voice. "Sometimes I get so tired of having to adapt to my so-called "new life". Of having to think if my chair is in the way of a door. Or of how I'm going to get around or over or through an obstacle. Of having to renovate the bathroom so I can wheel in to take a shower and put bars by the toilet so I don't fall off and break my neck at night. Of building a lower worktable in the kitchen so I can cook and of having to move everything into the lower cupboards because the high ones are useless to me now. Of having to call ahead to see if there are stairs or elevators where I want to go. Of having to think about and plan every move that I make. I'm tired of slide boards and all the miraculous aids that I can't live without but remind me of my disability every moment of every day. I just wish I could have one day when I wasn't reminded of these things."
Both Max and Bling knew that they couldn't say anything that could make these things go away. So they stood with Logan and silently shared his burden with him, Bling at his side and Max across the chasm that she still couldn't breach.
Logan broke the silence himself.
"No use crying over spilled milk." He was trying so hard to face his life again.
"Bling... help me clean up?" He asked sheepishly.
"My pleasure man." Bling followed Logan into the kitchen. Together they cleaned up the day's mess and prepared themselves to meet tomorrow.
Then next day brought the event that Logan had been preparing for the last three months.
'Oh God!... Bling! ..." Logan had just pulled a post off the informant net. As Bling raced over Logan was already on the phone calling his contact. He pointed to the post entitled "40 killed-Andrea Marlene" which was still on his screen. "Bling, could you get on the net and see what you can pull up on these guys?" For hours, Logan and Bling poured over the Andrea Marlene file looking for possible leads as to who was responsible for the deaths. In a quite moment Bling looked up at Logan with an intent look on his face.
"You're doin' good man." It was more than a compliment about Logan's work. It was a statement about how far Logan had come.
"Thanks, but I've still got a long way to go." Logan was taken by surprise.
"I know. But you've been working your ass off. You're on the right road." Logan smiled at the encouragement and buried his head back in the files. A few minutes later he looked back up at Bling.
"Thanks for putting me back together."
"Don't mention it." Now it was Bling's turn to be surprised.
"No I mean it. I know I've fought you almost every step of the way but I probably would've died those first couple of weeks without your help. I definitely wouldn't be doing what I am doing now. I'd probably still be in a corner somewhere terrified of the world. You've helped me to reclaim my life."
Bling was used to getting thanks from his clients but Logan's gratitude affected him at a much deeper level. They had developed much more than a typical client therapist relationship. As they worked together and fought so many physical and emotional battles together they built an unbreakable bond between them. Max understood this completely because she had the same relationship with her brothers and sisters and it had endured even after all the years of not seeing them.
Bling tried to voice the respect and admiration he had for Logan but he felt his words couldn't portray how he really felt.
"I'm honored Man... I really am."
They worked through the night and all of the next day barely stopping to eat or stretch. Then they were right back at work again putting together their case. Max could tell that they were getting close to their target. That evening Logan started setting up his broadcast equipment. He was ready. He put on his headset, turned on the camera and began his first broadcast in three months.
"This is a streaming freedom video..."
"It's time." Max climbed down off the roof of the building and let herself into Logan's apartment. She had waited a long time for this day and she hadn't even known what she was waiting for. But now that it was here she knew. He gratitude to Bling for helping it happen and her admiration of Logan for fighting his way back were immeasurable.
"Forty seven people paying twenty thousand each to be smuggled into Canada so that they could earn enough money to eat are dead. They were marched overboard last night by their ruthless handlers who operate with the knowledge, support and active collaboration of government officials only too happy to look the other way for a piece of the action. This must never happen again. Those responsible are on notice. Their power and privilege will not protect them. They will be held accountable... "
As Logan finished his broadcast Max walked quietly into the room and casually leaned into the doorjamb.
"This has been a streaming freedom video bulletin via the Eyes Only informant net. Peace. Out."
"Peace." Max could hear the sadness in Logan's voice as he said the word. He wanted so much for everyone to have it yet he knew from personal experience that it took a lot of work to find it.
Logan caught her figure in the corner of his eye and turned toward her.
"I see you are back at it, rocking the boat." Max had a tone of cautious amusement in her voice. She kept her distance, staying in the doorway. She didn't want to get too close to this man who had affected her so deeply.
"Somebody's got to." Logan replied with the same sadness but also with his old determination.
'I would have come sooner... but... I didn't." Her comment came out sarcastic. Max wasn't about to let him in on how concerned she was for him. But her heart betrayed her as she smiled nervously hoping that he wouldn't reject her. "How're you do'in?" Max moved a little closer to Logan...
And you know the rest....
PEACE. OUT.