Something Tells Me I'm Not in Illinois Anymore

He was born a Prince; she was born an idiot. He was born in the heart of the Fire Nation; she was born in the mid-west. He's bent on capturing the Avatar in order to return to his home with honor, and she's bent on making his life as he knows it a living nightmare. Join Emily in her quest into the Avatar World, annoying everyone in her wake.

Yup, here is the old fashioned "I'm in the Avatar World" fanfic, but unlike any of these types of fanfics, I can assure you that my antics will leave you pissing your pants.

WARNING: extreme bashing of everyone's "favorite" Admiral Monkey-Face, a certain Fire Lord, a hottie Prince, Shania Twain, my cat, my sister, my cat, my cat, fuck everyone who's going to piss me off!

SUPER WARNING: I have a very foul and colorful language (as seen above) if you do not like cursing then I have one message for you…FUCK OFF!

MEGA WARNING: I have to pee…

Disclaimer: Oh yeah, I own Avatar, and the ice caps in my shorts are going to cause global warming…lol…I'm not wearing shorts…

"FURRY DEMON! THOU DOES NOT BELONG IN THE WORLD OF THE ABLE-BODIED!" I yelled to my cat, Shadow, also known as the Shit/faggo/fucktarded fur face/fuzz bucket/slash slash. She curled around my legs mewing her insane ear-piercing meow that makes me urn for some pencils to JAM INTO MY EARS! She was medium sized with cocoa brown/black fur and HUGE yellow eyes. Stupid cat…

I was in my kitchen looking for something to eat before I began my journey to Megan's house for a super cool rave party. Oh yeah, it's gonna rock! Anyway, my green long sleeved sweater with the cool v-neck clung to my chest along with it's matching multi-colored scarf. I wore my favorite green cargo pants with massive pockets and plain black socks complete with my favorite black tennis shoes. I let my hair down like I usually do, letting my light brown hair with its faded highlights rest against in between my shoulder blades. My stuff was waiting patiently by the door in the living room awaiting my departure into the sunny day of autumn.

"Emily, leave Shadow alone!" my sister called from the basement with her crappy music blaring. Fucking Shania Twain and her shitty country music.

"NO! This grotesque beast does not deserve to live in the land of opposable thumbs!" I yelled back closing the fridge and kicking the cat away gently. Fucking hate that cat! She ran off to, hell, I don't know, take a crap? Don't know don't care! Before my sister could run up the stairs and attempt to beat me up, I raced to the living room and grabbed my bag and ran out the door.

The cold air greeted me with its message: should have brought a sweater yeh dumbass? Fucking Canadian wind.I strolled though my barren wasteland I used to call a lawn before last summers' water banning law. We were in drought all summer and the City of Joliet declared that we can no longer water our lawns until further notice. Looking around at the neighbor's perfect green lawns, they cheated. I threw my backpack over my shoulder and hugged my arms around me in attempt to keep warm. The sun may be shining but it was still cold as hell. No one was outside, couldn't blame them. My neighborhood is usually overrun by midgets, my term for children, by now. I turned the corner and found one other person walking in my direction.

The person was a frail looking old lady with grey hair done in a high bun and weird looking red eyes. She wore something that screamed in my head GYPSY! She wore a green and purple dress with a red shawl draped over her shoulders that had jingles all over it. By the looks of it, she was nothing but skin and bones, like I could snap her in half with my fingers. She was struggling with some really heavy looking bags. She looked up at me and smiled.

"Child, could you help me with these bags?" she asked in a honey-coated voice that reminded me of cookies for some odd reason. Dropping my bag and taking two of her bags, I decided to help this lady out. Good citizenship? Nah, I just feel something weird about her, and I love weird things!

"What are you doing in this weather? Are you crazy!" I announced loudly picking up my backpack again and walked with her to a house next to us. The house was small, built like the other houses in my neighborhood.

"All will be explained once we make it to where I need to go young one." I dismissed the "young one" comment and wondered what this old hag was talking about. Once we made it to the door she took the bags I carried and ushered me inside. At first thought I didn't want to do in, thinking about what my mother said about going anywhere with strangers, but dismissed the idea when I saw the inside of the house. There were a lot of neat looking things in here! Statues, shrines, incense smoke, crystals, other weird looking articles. The old lady turned to me and smiled.

"My dear Emily, you have shown selflessness to a gypsy in need."

'I knew it! Holy shit! A real life gypsy! What's going to happen! Is she gonna grant me extreme knowledge to pass Honors English 2 with Mr. Boles? My own theme park? A stick of gum?' my train of thought derailed when I went over what she said in my head.

"How do you know my name?" I asked taking a step back until my back hit the door. The gypsy lady smirked and placed a hand on my left shoulder.

"I know a lot of things, Emily." She said, the sweet granny voice still in place. My eyes went wide when she touched my forehead with her pointing finger. "I shall grant you something you would like. A nice trip."

"Trip? Like Disneyland? Sorry, but you lost that chance when I turned 15." I laughed silently, hoping she'd just give me a ticket to a concert and let me be on my merry way. But life sucks and God loves messing with me.

"No Emily, I will send you to a world where there is an 100 year old war happening, this world needs you in order to stop its destruction." The gypsy said issuing a odd blue light from her finger and into my skull. Most people would try and get away, me on the other hand reach out trying to touch the shiny light. Images flashed before my eyes: fire, water, earth, and wind; then before I could protest to anything, my world went black.

Note to self: never trust old ladies again. The next thing I knew was waking up in a cell. Curse-sed old lady and her oldness! A cold, dark, damp, metal, rocking cell. I opened my eyes and looked around me. I was laying on the floor, my ankles and wrists bound. Life can't get any worse can it? Evidentially it can…I sat up and looked at my surroundings. Metal walls, metal cell with bars on the door, weird looking fire flags on the walls. Wait, fire flags? On further inspection I remembered: Avatar…I'm in the Avatar world! I'm on a Fire Navy ship! Oh happy days! I noticed my backpack on the other side of the bars and thought to myself.

'Gotta break out gotta break out…calm down Jones, think. Ok, I'm bound with chains with a…lock…hmmm…my lock pick hopefully is still in my pocket.' I searched though said pockets and found my trusty lock pick. A simple metal paperclip I use all the time when I feel like pilfering though my parents' room. It was easy picking the locks on my hands and feet and was able to walk in a matter of seconds. Now for some thinkin' time.

'Okay, first, asses where I am…a Fire Navy ship. Who's ship I have no clue…but I'm hoping it's a certain Prince-' my thoughts were cut off when I heard footsteps coming down the hall. I shot up and ran to the bars of the cell, trying to see who my captor is.

Oh God damnit.

"It seems your awake, good, been meaning to have a word with you Miss." Just when I get my hopes up, God has to crush my dreams…he CRUSH them so hard! I stared into the face of Admiral Monkey-Face, I mean Zhao, my eye twitching like mad. He was in his usual attire for when I see him in the show: armor, red cape-y thing, and same old monkey-face with ungodly sideburns.

"ADMIRAL MONKEY FACE!" I shouted happily, knowing deep in my gut that I fucking hate Zhao.

"What are you talking about?" he yelled back furiously. Oh yeah…this is going to be good.

"Wait, you're not an Admiral?" I asked calmly gripping the bars staring up into the Monkey-faced bimbo's face. He glared at me and furrowed his eyebrows in confusion.

"What gave you that idea? I am Captain Zhao, Captain of the Fire Nation Navy." I ignored his long-winded introduction and stuck my pinky finger in my ear.

"Yeah yeah I know, lap dog of the Fire Lord, arch nemesis of Prince Zuko, trying to find the Avatar before the Prince does, blah blah blah." I said turning my head away from him. This could turn out better than I imagined. Captain? That means he hasn't fought Zuko yet! Yes yes yes! If I could bait this loser into not killing me or locking me up in here, the possibilities are endless.

"How do you know all of that?" he asked grabbing my wrists roughly, sending small waves of pure heat up my arms. Naturally, I'm a very fast liar, so I thought of the first thing that popped into my mind.

"Because I'm a seer…I see the future." Zhao looked at me like I grew a second head. I smiled and leaned closer until my shirt touched his armor.

"Why should I believe you?"

"Because, if you do, you could have the Avatar sooner than you expect. Glory, honor, a promotion or two, and the chance to rub it in Prince Zuko's face." I grinned watching Monkey-face take in all this information and he smiled.

"All that?" he asked letting go of my wrists letting me cross my arms.

"All that and much more. Treat me like a guest, send a letter to the Fire Lord, and you'll have the Avatar before you can say 'Chicken Tenders'" the Captain shook his head and took out a set of keys. He jangled them in front of me smirking.

"I'll let you out if you tell me where you came from and how you escaped from your restraints. Judging by the color of your clothing, we guessed you were Earth Nation…but I want to hear it form your mouth." He said watching me stare at the keys intently.

"I came from Illinois and how I got out of those crappy chains is a trade secret."

"El-e-noy?"

"Fucking nimrod, I'm not from this world."

"Someone has a mouth"

"Someone doesn't have a brain"

"I would be silent if I were you."

"I would shut your fucking mouth if I were you."

"Such a language coming from a pretty girl."

"Fuck you, now let me out of this crap box!" he did so and I raced out of that cell, happy as a retard in a room full of bouncy balls. I turned around and tapped my foot impatiently.

"Allow me to show you where you'll be staying." He said, catching my displeasure…fucking moron. I grabbed my bag and smiled happily.

"Just what I was thinking!" I cried out happily following the Captain's long strides with my own. He looked back and smirked that I was keeping up with him.

"Thought you were behind." He said sourly.

"Well you thought wrong now keep moving bitch!"

"What a sailor mouth."

"God damn, slack-jawed hillbilly…keep walking!" he ignored me and walked down a flight of stairs. I stayed on top of the steps smiling. He turned around and looked at me, confusion written all over his face. I calmly walked down half of the steps and stopped. Grabbing both handrails, I flung myself the rest of the way down, slamming into Captain Zhao. He glared at me, shoved me out of the way, and continued walking down the hall. Numerous soldiers stared at me like I was Satan. Couldn't blame them, I'm just too irresistible! Nope, I lied, they just think I look like a freak with my scarf, backpack, and cargo pants. Zhao suddenly stopped at a door and unlocked it with a key and pushed the door open.

"This Miss-"

"Emily, just Emily." I hate formality.

"This, Emily, is your room." I walked in and examined the room. Fire Nation banners hung all over the place, the walls were made of metal, just like the rest of the ship I'm on…I think. The desk, dresser, and bed was nailed to the floor like the rest of the furniture. Everything was carved from beautiful wood that sparkled in the sunlight coming from the expansive window on the side. The bed itself was a masterpiece four poster bed with a red canopy draped around it trailing to the luscious red carpeting on the floor. "I believe everything will be to your liking, if you need anything, my room is right next door. Dinner will be served in twenty minutes in the galley, I'll be waiting outside." He said before dismissing himself and closing the door behind him.

"Okay, Captain Monkey-face, let's see how long you can cope with me." I said looking out the window. I sighed and threw my backpack on the floor and walked back out the door. I was face to face with Monkey-face…ha ha funny…NO!

"Done already?" he asked me smirking. I smiled at him thinking of his accidental death I have planned.

"All I feel like doing is eating right now." I said walking toward where the other soldiers were going, hopefully going to the galley. I was right when I turned the corner and spotted a cafeteria type place. Well, there were tables, chairs, and food, I didn't give a shit with details. Zhao led me to a table seperated from the others and sat at the head of the table, I took the seat next to him. Other important looking Commanders and junk sat at the table.

"Captain Zhao, is this the girl who landed on your ship?" one old looking fogey asked him looking at me with interest. He was in something similar to what Iroh wore, but unlike everyone's favorite Uncle, the old man had a decent set of abs. Zhao nodded and elbowed me in the shoulder. I got the hint that I should act nice, but I never got the hint that I have to. "Tell us child, where on Earth did you come from?" he asked as I looked at the table where the cooks set out all sorts of food and yummy stuff! Fish, which I can't eat, some type of chicken, yummy, fruit, veggies, YUCK, and wine was assorted throughout all the tables. Wait…WINE! OH MY FUCKING GOD! SWEET NECTAR OF THE GODS!

"Illinois…not from this world…I tell the future…leave me alone…I'm hungry."

"Such disrespect, wherever you came from, you certainly never learned any manners." The old man said with a snort of disapproval.

"I resent that remark good sir, for I have most lovely manners and therefore, I wish to be left alone as I indulge in the consumption of my needed calorie intake." I said and the conversation ended…stupid old bats. Dinner ended a while after, being forced into every conversation these old folks were talking about. Apparently I said enough big words to either confuse them into thinking I'm some sort of noble, or I just entered their club of incredibly irritating and aggravating old folks. Hopefully it's the first one they're thinking. After a while, Zhao came to my rescue…wow, never thought I'd say that…and we walked back to my room.

"I got a letter from the Fire Lord today."

"Yeah so?"

"I told him what you told me, and I was promoted to Commander."

"See? Told ya I was right!"

"Whatever…"

"Just letting you know, a special guest should be arriving a little after we get to your camp in the Earth Nation." Zhao looked at me confused as we stopped in front of my door.

"Special Guest?" he repeated as I opened my door and walked inside, and turned around to face him.

"Prince Zuko is coming with some urgent news…the faster we get to your camp, the faster we get the news." I ended the conversation, slamming the door in his face. Ah, gives me a sense of power! I jumped onto my bed laying on my back and staring out the window. The sun already set, casting my room in darkness, hey I like this! I curled up on the bed and fell into a deep sleep, thinking about what to do to Zhao tomorrow. MUHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

That's the first chapter. Yup, I believe I've captured my personality and trapped it in a little bottle like you would with a bug you find. Couple leaves, a stick, and a lid with holes on the top!

Stay tuned for the next chapter will have me annoying the fuck outta Zhao! And hopefully, our favorite Prince Zuko!