Hey everyone! This is only the first of many chapters! This one, I must admit, is not as funny as some of the ones that come, because when I started it, it wasn't supposed to be funny. So anyways, read and review! I shall try to update every day, but I might not be able to. I will however update every week for certain. Thanx!

Book One: The Freakowship of the Ring

Chapter 1

The Freakienss Begins

Frodo was a hobbit. He was a girly hobbit, but a hobbit.

He lived in Bag End, Bagshot Row in Hobbiton. It was a fine afternoon, and Frodo, being rather lazy, instead of doing his chores, was sitting in the shade reading a book. He eventually realized that the birds had stopped singing, and there was dead silence in the world. He looked back at the page of his book, which was a Sherlock Holmes mystery book, and was rather creeped.

Then, a wagon with an old man pulled up on the lane next to

where Frodo was sitting.

Frodo bounced up to get a better look at the man. The guy

turned to face him.

"Hullo, Frodo my lad!" cried the old man.

"Gandalf!" said Frodo in shock, "What are you doing here?"

"Ho, well, I was passing through for your uncle's birthday," he replied. "Also, I was robbed of my favorite wagon, and this one is quite damaged, so I also stopped to have it fixed."

"Since you are robbed of Boromir, I will do what I can in his stead," volunteered Frodo bravely.

Gandalf shot him a disgusted look and slapped the horse's behind to get him moving.

Frodo shrugged and went back to his book.

Gandalf drove his buggy up the lane to Bag End to visit with Bilbo.

Later that evening Bilbo's party began. Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Sam were all huddled together whispering.

"Gandalf's up to something; I can feel it in the earth; I can smell it in the air. All that one was is lost. For none now live who remember it," spoke Frodo.

"I agree. Why else would he come here if there weren't a significant rationale?" agreed Sam.

"What on earth is a rationale?" asked Pippin.

"Uh, actually I think it means 'purpose'," replied Sam.

"SHUDDUP!" hissed Merry, "you don't want Gandy 't hear us!"

Frodo scooted back his metal foldout chair and grabbed a doughnut. After scarfing the entire pastry, he washed it down with a cool mug of Fruitopia.

"You should count you carbs Frodo milad," scolded Gandalf strolling over to the gang.

Pippin rolled his eyes.

"I SAW THAT, MAGGOT!" Gandalf bellowed, slapping poor Pippin's head.

Pippin dunked his head into a nearby ice bucket.

"I think I'll have another ale," said Sam starting to rise.

Gandalf gave him a sound shove back to his chair.

Sam rubbed his behind.

"Now listen up Maggots," he seized Pippin by the scruff of the neck, and yanked him out of the ice.

Pip's head was completely blue, and his teeth were chattering. Gandalf soon slapped that out of him.

"Now," he spoke, puffing on his pipe, "there is a serious matter at hand that needs to come to attention."

Frodo nudged Merry with his elbow.

"IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK THAT I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION FOR A LEAST FIVE SECONDS WITHOUT BEING RUDELY ITNTERRUPTED?" screamed Gandalf in Frodo's face.

Frodo calmly picked at his fingernails which were already so short that almost nothing could be seen of them.

"ARGH! I give up!" cried the old dude throwing his hands up dramatically. " Now, back to business! As I have been trying to say, Frodo is inheriting Bag End and all of Bilbo's possessions," Gandalf said tiredly.

"I don't want any of his crummy old junk!" cried Frodo clutching at his chest and letting his tongue hang out.

"I HAVE JUST ABOUT HAD IT WITH YOU MISTER!" yelled Gandalf.

Frodo slunk back to his seat and pouted a pouty pout.

"Anyway, this means that you also inherit his old ring; a ring of great importance. This ring is the One Ring, forged by Sauron himself in the fires of Mt. Doom. The Ring is altogether evil!"

Frodo glanced expectantly at Gandalf for him to carry on and continued picking at his nonexistent finernails.

Gandalf whiffed his pipe again, and continued. "You must take the Ring and go with it into the fires of the Black Land of...hmmmm. This might be too complicated for a dope like you. In other words, you are going to take the ring to Rivendell, and there we will decide what to do with it."

Frodo appeared befuddled.

"Auuuggghhh! Moron! Idiot! How shall I ever explain this to you! Uhhhhhhmmmm? Ah, yes! FRODO!"

Frodo, who had been quietly dozing off, leaped to attention. "HOO, HAA, what?"

"Yes, my friend, YOU. You are taking Bilbo's ring to Rivendell. Tomorrow. Got it?" asked Gandalf.

"What other duty would you have me do my lord?" mumbled Frodo sleepily.

"Draw out Sauron's armies; empty his lands," replied Gandalf sarcastically.

The next morning, Gandalf woke them. "It is time, Frodo."

Frodo, Merry, Pippin, and Sam started out on their quest. They each had a luggage pack to carry, and Frodo was whining because he thought that he was carrying more than the rest. Before they had left, Gandalf spoke a few words of comfort.

"So Maggots, if you see some black dudes on black horses, know that they want the ring and will kill you or worse to get it. But DO NOT GIVE IT TO THEM."

"Why?" asked Frodo.

"BECAUSE, if they get it, they will take it to Sauron, and if Sauron gets it, he will destroy the world," replied Gandalf.

"Oh," answered Frodo. He skipped off happily in the wrong direction.

Gandalf slapped his forehead. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Show me the way?" said Frodo innocently hopeful.

Gandalf decided it would be best if he just left the four hobbits on their own. He slapped his horse's behind, and galloped off to meet with Saruman.

Frodo said sadly, "He leaves because there is no

hope."

"He leaves because he must," responded Pippin.

"Is there any hope, for Frodo and Sam?" asked Merry.

Pip replied, "There never was much hope, just a fool's hope."

"I hope we can find a tavern along the way," said Frodo hopefully.

"No hope of that," objected Sam.

"You're hopeless," said Pippin.

That night they slept beneath the boughs of the willow trees, and it was rather chilly. Sam was additionally comfortable that night, for he had brought a soft mattress and a lovely feather pillow along in his pack. These were not his for very long, for the others absconded with them soon after.

A few mornings later, the hobbits were quarreling about who should get the last tomato, when they heard an unearthly scream. A second later, a Black Rider rode into the midst of the clearing. Sam shook his skewer at it and howled, "No! You shan't have it either!" The rider was quite flummoxed, and kept on wheeling his horse around, this way and that way, until Frodo felt somewhat sorry for the beast.

Meanwhile, Gandalf's mind was on anything but the matter before him as he rode to Isengard seeking Saruman's counsel. He was actually thinking about the best way to dip strawberries into chocolate. 'Do you use tongs, or do hold them by the leaves?' He was so deep in thought that he nearly crashed into a tree and a lamppost, but as Gandalf usually does, he came out all right.

Saruman was watching all this from Isengard and thought about what a klutz Gandalf was.

Gandalf rode up to the tower, sprang off his horse and swaggered toward Isengard. His horse whinnied and stamped his hooves. Annoyed, Gandalf threw a lump of sugar at it. He then turned back to his path of destiny.

The dark door opened, and Saruman the White started down the long flight of steps. However, he stumbled, and he went bumpety-bump down for his cloak was so long.

When he finally hit the bottom, he was rather battered and bruised, but it was his pride that was hurt most of all.

Gandalf was giggling and snickering and it gradually became right-out laughing.

Saruman slowly rose with a look of malice on his face. "Why hello Gandalf my old friend," he growled.

"Tell me 'Friend' when did Saruman the Wise abandon Reason for Madness?" indicted Gandalf.

"Um, actually it was on the twenty sixth exactly...uhmm, nine days ago." he retorted, counting on his fingers.

Gandalf was rather irritated. "Don't play Coy with me, foul FIEND!"

Saruman sat down on a stone, placed his head in his hands, and let out a long sigh.

Gandalf hopped around, gloating and hovering over poor Saruman. "You'll never amount to anything, you never have, never will...you have appalling decorating taste ...you're a couch potato...you, you, you..."

"Just leave me alone, okay?" sobbed Saruman. I know I have a large nose and girly fingernails, but that's no reason to dislike me," he wailed.

"Large? Talkin' 'bout LARGE? You don't have a nose; you have a BEAK! Your nose is the size of the Pelennor Fields for cryin' out loud! " ridiculed Gandalf mercilessly.

Saruman just sobbed.

Gandalf realized that staying at Isengard was pointless, and he realized that he must join Frodo at the council of Elrond.

The four hobbits managed to get away from the rider, and made to a safe hideaway. Later that morning, Gandalf met them while they were frying second breakfast over a blazing fire. Frodo punched Merry in the gut when he tried to steal Frodo's last slice of honey-cured ham. Frodo pummeled Merry in return. Then Pippin socked Sam. "What?" cried Sam keeling over. Pip shrugged. Then Frodo punched Pippin, and Sam thumped Merry on the skull. Merry whacked Pippin, Sam hit Frodo, and Pippin stroked Merry a blow. By the end of the brawl, the hobbits were battered and bruised, and Pippin was even in tears.

"What were we fighting about, anyhoo?" asked Sam.

The three shrugged and sighed.

Then, Gandalf galloped into the circle of hobbits, and whisked the portion of meat out of Merry's greedy hands.

The next morning they were on their way to Bree.

"I think we're heading for the prancing pony," said Frodo smugly glancing at Merry.

"Is it a good place for beer and crumb cake?" asked Sam.

"Oh yes. It's a quality establishment. I hear the staff are very good," answered Pippin wisely.

As they were walking down the trail, Pippin cried out, "Mushrooms!" All the hobbits rushed to the mushrooms and started stuffing them into a bag. Frodo got an uneasy feeling that someone was coming down the road. Then suddenly three people bounded out. One was an elf, on was a dwarf, and the other was a wimp. His name was Aragorn, and he was the lost king of Gondor and the heir to Isildur.

Legolas was complaining that all this waiting was mussing his hair. As a gust of wind blew, it carried with it one of his shiny blonde hairs. He grabbed it and carefully pushed back into place.

Frodo stared in total befuddlement.

Merry, Pippin, and Sam paid no attention to them whatsoever.

"Hi" said Gimli the Dwarf.

"Hello, Gimli my old Friend," greeted Gandalf.

Aragorn just sniffled.

Legolas smoothed his hair. Gimli cuffed him on the ear.

Gandalf said, "These fine gentlemen are going to join us on our quest. CAN WE FIX IT?"

"YES WE CAN!" shouted the three all except Aragorn who said, "Uh...I...I...I think so."

Finally, the hobbits were done, and they were on their way. Just then, someone in a black hood was standing across the path.

It hissed, "Ssssshire, Bagginsssss!"

"Present!" yelled Frodo bounding up.

"Noooo, not pressssent, Bagginssssss, "it replied stupidly.

"EEEEEEEEKKKKKK!" squealed Aragorn cowering into a little ball.

"Hellloooo? Uh, Mr. Nightingale, I'm right here!" said Frodo now quite exasperated. The black widow galloped right at Frodo. Frodo and the rest of the troop dove into a marsh called Midgewater to hide from the black riders. They heard a splish, splosh like a horse with a black rider on it coming through a marsh.

'Maybe,' thought Aragorn, 'maybe it is!' and he collapsed from pure fear.

"Shhh!" hissed Frodo. "He'll find me, he'll seeeee!"

"Shaddap, maggot!" whispered Gandalf. They waited there for a long time and then continued on to Bree.

At the sign of the Prancing Pony they all breathed a sigh of relief,"Ahhhhhhhhh." Then Gandalf sent the hobbits in to get a table while they all waited. The hobbits went to the counter and waited for the Innkeeper.

"Why good evening little masters, what may I be doing for you? Barliman's the name. If you're looking for some nice hobbit sized rooms then I've got some down in the west wing with those round windows and all. If you want some malt beer, roaring fires, and red meat off the bone then we've got that as well. Come now answer quick! I haven't got all day!"

Frodo replied, "Yes, actually we'd like both, but also reserve four man sized rooms for our friends. Oh, and by the way we are here to see Gandalf. Can you tell him we've arrived?"

"Gandalf? Gandalf?... Oh yes! Elderly chap, long beard, pointy hat? Not seen 'em in months." Frodo was not greatly disappointed, but the fates were not going to be good for long, for at that moment Gandalf came in looking for them.

"You maggots! Where have you been? The fellowship has been waiting for half an hour!"

"Oops, I forgot. There now, you see? I forgot that this version is different than the normal one," Frodo replied shakily. They all made their way into their rooms and slept peacefully, except for when the riders burst into the inn across the street, and destroyed the place.

"Why don't they just look in this inn?" asked Pippin sensibly.

"For a good reason, and the reason is good and there is good in the reason," replied Gandalf.

Ok peeps! Review and tell me what you think! I live on reviews!

-Mony Python-