So im back again! Waaay later than i said - im crap at deadlines and im soooo sorry about promising things i dont do...

But here it is anyway :) Many thanks for all reviewers - otherwise this wouldn't be up at all.

Chapter Four

Defence against the Dark Arts really wasn't Lily's favourite lesson. It could be interesting at times, and she supposed it would be useful what with Voldemort rising in power, but learning about funny creatures which lived in Marshes wasn't her idea of riveting. If she ever got the urge to trudge through a marsh at the dead of night then she might look up the dangers in a book but as it was… She was also pretty sure that she had learnt a less complicated version of the information in her third year – and judging by her classmates' knowledge so had they. She could really do without it.

Nevertheless, she would have infinitely preferred marsh creatures than the subject of that day's lesson. The Professor grinned at them all. He was far too enthusiastic about the subject than he should be, Lily felt.

"In preparation for your OWLs we are going over things covered in earlier years. This practical is very important for everyday life and is likely to come up in your exam so if you would all take your wands and follow me please." The class trooped after him into a large room containing a few wardrobes.

Almost immediately Lily knew what the exercise must be, and felt dread welling up. She had failed her DADA exam the year before at Beauxbatons mainly because of this creature. That and a severe lack of revision. She also had no wish to let half of the Gryffindor and Slytherin fifth year know what her deepest fear was. The Professor stepped forward.

"You all know what to do. Approach this wardrobe one at a time – if one of you is particularly strong we can move on to the next." The wardrobe opened, and Lily stepped towards the back of the crowd. The creature switched from shape to shape, banished again and again into the wardrobe by student yelling 'Ridikulus!' By the time Lily had been pushed to close to the front of the queue they had moved on to the second wardrobe.

Potter was in front of her; he stepped forward as the door opened and there was suddenly a pretty woman, lying on the floor, pale and stone dead. She changed to become a dead man, Lupin, Black, Pettigrew, the woman again. Potter gritted his teeth and yelled Ridikulus furiously. The boggart retreated, and he slammed to wardrobe door closed.

"Good, good – a noble fear, lovely spell…" the Professor said. Then Lily was in front of the wardrobe, wand gripped in sweaty hand as the door swung open.

A tall cloaked figure glided out a glistening grey hand extended towards her. "Ridikulus," she whispered without conviction, the cold sweeping over her making her shake. The sound of a woman crying filled her ears; she shook her head and opened her mouth to utter the word again, closing her eyes against the horrible visage of the creature.

It was the wrong thing to do. Images swamped her, flickering across her closed lids, which, try as she might, she could not open. Someone was shouting; the woman was still sobbing; she felt sad, helpless, lonely, betrayed and dismal all at the same time. Pulling together all her will she managed a weak "Ri ––" before darkness closed over her and she saw nothing more.

She woke to find someone patting water on her face and lifted her arm to push them away, feeling weak and shaky. The concerned face of the Professor swam into view and she passed a hand over her eyes to clear them as she sat up. He pressed some chocolate into her hand and she held it for a moment, knowing it would help but unwilling to let him aid her.

Finally deciding that it was better to accept his help than continue shivering she broke off a piece and chewed it as she stood up.

"Are you alright Miss Evans?" he asked her.

"I'm fine thank-you," she lied with ease. The chocolate was warming but she still felt as though her insides were frozen and shivering. Everyone was staring at her, reminding her of the Care of Magical Creatures lesson in her third year in which they had been shown a Dementor. She hadn't fainted then, but had walked away quickly and had to be called back.

"It is admirable to be most afraid of fear. Unfortunately, fainting doesn't win you any marks – who can think of a way to make a Dementor funny?" Lily was barely listening, but felt a stab of anger when he turned her problems to the class to solve.

"Make it technicoloured and put a fire under it!" someone yelled out laughing. It was Black; Lily refused to glare and show how humiliating this was. She glanced surreptitiously at the door.

"An excellent suggestion. Lily, if you would step forward, I would like you to imagine that as you say the spell." He stepped towards the wardrobe and opened the lock. Lily didn't move. The creature drifted out once more and she turned suddenly, pulled open the door and took off at a sprint down the deserted hallway.

A few corridors later, she stopped and collapsed against the wall breathing quickly. Slowly, she slid down it until she was sitting with her knees drawn up to her body. Her hands were shaking and she had dropped her wand. Furiously she berated herself, and bit off another piece of chocolate, feeling warmth seep through her.

She stood up. Perhaps if she 'borrowed' a first year's wand she could summon her own later – at that moment she didn't want to see anyone. She slowly made her way across the castle, down towards the kitchens.

Xxx

As the door slammed in the redhead's wake, the students began to whisper excitedly. The Professor banished the boggart with ease then turned back to his class.

"Silence!" He surveyed the pupils who had already had their turn. Only three pupils from her house had banished the boggart sufficiently well for him to be willing to let them go. "Potter, Black, Lupin. Please go and see if Miss Evans is ok and return her wand. The rest of you let us continue with the lesson."

The three boys stopped outside.

"Why do we have to go find her," Sirius grumbled. "Nobody cares if she's ok anyway."

"Would you rather be in there?" Remus pointed out.

"Besides this could be quite interesting. I mean, Lily Evans worst fear is fear? Could be useful…" James added. He was curious too. He couldn't imagine her crying, but to run out of a lesson without even a snappy retort didn't seem quite the Evans they knew. What would she be doing? "Let's get out the map."

They huddled over the piece of parchment and watched an emerald green dot walk down some stairs. "Look, if we go down here we'll intercept her," Remus pointed.

"But I want to know where she's going," James complained. Sirius agreed so the three took a route that followed parallel to her. Finally they came to a portrait of fruit.

"What's she doing down here?"

"Doesn't matter what she's doing down here," Sirius snapped. "Point is we'll never find out unless we get through this portrait because there's nowhere else to go and she's about to come down this corridor!"

Once inside, they poured over the map frowning as the emerald dot moved closer and closer to the portrait.

"She's coming in here!"

"She can't know about it! It's just coincidence!"

"Who cares? Get behind here!"

They crouched behind a pillar, furiously telling the house-elves to pretend they weren't there as the portrait opened and Lily stepped in. She pushed some hair out of her eyes then looked down at the house-elf who was furiously tugging her robes asking what she wanted.

"Some coffee please Saffy." She wandered over to where the table was but found that it had moved. She frowned slightly.

"Miss can sits here while Saffy is getting her tea, because we is cleaning the table," Saffy squeaked, pointing to a decidedly house-elf sized table with tiny chairs. She picked one up gingerly before removing her shoes and sitting cross legged on the table, her robes pooled around her. It was about the height of a normal chair but she felt incredibly tall in comparison to everything.

Saffy slid the coffee cup onto the table and she smiled, breathing in the scent. "Thanks." Taking a sip she relaxed slightly, the sudden rush of caffeine warming her more than any chocolate could. She cupped her hands around the small espresso cup, letting the smell fill her nose rather than finishing it in two more gulps. Her bag was still in the DADA classroom, she remembered with irritation.

"Hey Saffy? Peux-tu me donner mon sac s'il te plait? C'est dans la salle de DADA." The house-elf nodded and spoke to another elf. The Marauders looked at each other confused. "She said something about a bag and the DADA room," James muttered. "My parents keep trying to teach me French but it's bloody impossible." They watched the red-head curiously.

Down here, she seemed almost a different person. She wasn't snapping at the house-elves and it looked like she was just enjoying the coffee held in her hands. And she was sitting on a table. It had been weird, earlier, to see the usually haughty and collected girl gripping her wand, whispering a spell in terror, and fainting. It put a slightly different perspective on things. James briefly wondered if they had made a mistake with her but remembered her harsh comments and attitude and decided against it.

A house-elf placed Lily's bag on the floor beside her and she thanked him quietly. The Marauders were beginning to get cramp when she finally finished half of her bread roll, gulped the last of her coffee, thanked the house-elves and left the portrait hole.

"Thank god, I'm starving!" Sirius moaned. "Any longer, we might have missed dinner."

"But it was interesting," Remus objected. "Think of what we learned. She obviously misses France – she spoke French to the house-elf and drank French coffee. Useful to know."

"I guess." He consented, grudgingly.

"Shame Peter missed this," James mused.

"He needs to be in lessons though," Remus replied. "DADA isn't really his best subject."

"We'll meet him in the great hall – I promised Liz she could sit with us," Sirius said, leading the way out of the kitchen.

"Liz who?" Remus murmured. James shrugged and fingered the object in his pocket.

"What are we going to do with her wand?"

"Leave it in the common room, dummy, she's bound to find it there."

Xxx

Lily did indeed find her wand in the common room, and fingered it carefully to check for any charms left on it. Something squirted up at her and her nose began to blow up, her robes began to dissolve and her hair caught fire. Ignoring the laughter, she sprinted upstairs to the girls' dorm and stood under the shower. Then she doused the wand in magical disinfectant to rid it of the curses and charmed her nose back to normal. There were advantages to listening in Charms.

With that thought in mind, she began that week's assignment, scratching the letters onto the smooth parchment. She needed a new quill but hadn't bothered to buy one, a decision she was regretting now. She had plenty of money – her father had made sure of that, probably out of guilt of some kind or other. But she didn't like spending it; she didn't like the idea that she might need his help.

Surprising herself, she actually finished the essay before curling up in the alcove of the window sill with a model of the Quidditch pitch. Now that she had begun to send plays to the team, she found it a rather interesting hobby to make them and then watch to see what Bisley would use – and with only one team the competition made it all the more appealing. She had great respect for him as a Captain and, after getting over indignation, she had even consented that some of the changes he made to her plays were for the better.

This evening, her heart wasn't in it. She found herself staring repeatedly out of the window, then shaking herself and finding that she couldn't remember her previous train of thought and the set up on the mini pitch meant nothing to her. Irritated, she put it away and dragged the heavy book out from under the bed. She hadn't studied it since before Christmas when she had eventually given up on reading it. The marker was still there in the middle and she opened it to the page, resolving to finish reading.

It was difficult going, and the wording often confused her. Although it was a French book, this particular chapter was in English – a kind of English she had never really encountered when reading Quidditch magazines. Frustrated and too agitated too put her mind fully into the task she gave up. Everyone else had gone to bed and she followed suit, changing and brushing her teeth.

She had left a model figure on the window and she crossed the room to retrieve it. Glancing out of the window she caught sight of a huge figure standing alone at the edge of the lake. His dog frolicked around him, but he just stood there, gazing across and occasionally bending his head to say something to his canine companion. He looked incredibly lonely, and she thought back to what she had seen of him at Christmas.

It was perhaps that which caused her to dream a scene so unexpected.

The woman stands at the sink, staring out of the window at the Parisian roofs, a mug hanging from her limp hands. The washing up is piled up on the draining board, most of it dirty rather than clean. Some of it has been sitting there for days.

The girl is standing in the doorway, utterly silent, watching. The sun is on its way down, sending a pinky light across the small kitchen. It is kinder than daylight, which would highlight every mark and spot of dirt.

The woman turns around, and the girl can see her strained features. "Où est Pierre? Tu l'as vu?" She hadn't seen Pierre and hadn't for a few days. It was pathetic how dependant the woman is on his presence. Or the presence of others really, but at the moment it is him. She says nothing.

"Je suis tellement solitaire." The girl knows this and finds it ridiculous – there have always been people coming and going at the flat. A group have only just left in fact – how can she be lonely with all these so-called friends visiting?

"Je voudrais une bébé – ensuite je ne serais plus solitaire." She already has a child but it is with that child she feels loneliest. The girl stands by the door for a while longer but the woman says no more. Walking into the kitchen she takes a bottle of juice from the fridge, pours a glass and retreats, leaving the woman standing there unanswered, cloaked in loneliness.

Lily didn't wake with a start, as she would have expected. Instead, she opened her eyes slowly, staring groggily at the bed-hangings and feeling disoriented. Slowing, she sat up, rubbing a hand across her eyes. Her surroundings were pitch black; raising a hand in front of her face she could see nothing. Sighing, she turned over to go back to sleep and found that her hands were shaking as she pulled the covers up. She always wished they wouldn't betray her like that.

She pushed her feet down the bed and was surprised to find that the covers were twisted. She groaned, irritated, and curled up instead, closing her eyes determinedly. She wasn't afraid of sleep. But she was lying to herself, and she knew it. Angrily she thought back to earlier in the day, and cursed the DADA Professor. He had been wrong too. The Dementor didn't show her greatest fear as being fear itself.

It was the memories that she was afraid of.

Xxx

The South Tower door was locked when Lily reached it. Deeming it quicker to just go out one of the ground floor exits, she retraced her steps, noting what she passed on the way. She had no intention of getting lost and being caught.

Once up in the air, she wished she had brought a Quaffle. She needed to do something more than just fly to keep her mind off things – and slamming a ball through the hoops would have been perfect. Any Quidditch ball would have done really; she was passable at positions other than chaser. If she were any good at transfiguration she would be able to transfigure a leaf or something into a semblance of one, but she wasn't. A lot seemed to come down to that these days.

Instead of mourning the absence of balls she went on a long flight around the grounds, over the forbidden forest and across the lake, flying so low that her feet kicked up spray and her robes brushed the topmost branches. The moon, nearly full, lit her way with a soft gleam. Shifting her hands she pushed the broom faster, leaning forward as the wind whipped through her loosened hair. It was still cold but she didn't feel it.

Finally exhausted, she landed near the side entrance she had left through, pulling her cloak around herself to hide any colour that might give her away. Her feet padded across the stone floors, and she was so lost in thought that she didn't notice the movement of a tapestry nor the quiet hush of whispered voices. A hand snapped out, and she gave a sudden gasp on surprise as she was pulled behind a hanging.

Peeling the hand off her mouth, she reached for her wand with the other hand, but found it grasped in a much larger one. Finding it impossible to free herself, she stamped her foot on the floor, praying it would find its target. There was a slight exclamation of pain and the hand left her mouth and light showered her face. She blinked against the harsh light, and squinted against the brightness.

"Bitch," the boy whispered, and she assumed he was the one who owned the foot she had just stood on. Her eyes adjusted to the brightness and she stared at them, narrowing her eyes in anger.

"Let go of me." Her voice was icy cold and commanding but they didn't move an inch. She tried to move her hand but Potter's grip was too tight. "Are you deaf as well as stupid?" she spat. "Let go of me." She didn't swear. They hadn't startled her enough or made her so angry that she would lose control of her verbal skills.

"What the hell are you doing here?" Potter asked in a furious whisper. She said nothing just stared back into his face insolently. Black slammed a heel into her foot and she flinched, trying not to grimace in pain.

"We asked you a question," he snapped. She supposed that stamping on his foot hadn't been a very well informed decision – but what decision is, when one is trapped inside a small dark space with one's dire enemies.

"I could ask you the same but I doubt that you would answer," she snapped back. His face was very close and she drew herself up slightly, so as not to be looked down upon. Even standing on her tiptoes this would have been completely futile given that he stood over a foot taller than her but she gathered a cloak of superiority around her. "And I told you to let me go."

"We'll let you go if you tell us what you were doing." She felt like laughing because it was so simple.

"Let me go and I'll tell you." He slowly dropped her hand as Black moved around her to block the exit. She vaguely wondered where the other two were. The light of his wand shone on the stone wall and she was suddenly becoming aware of just how small the space was.

"So?" Potter demanded. She graced him with a cold smirk.

"I was walking," she answered derisively. "I wouldn't have thought even you could be so stupid as to not realise that. Maybe your mothers were so horrified they dropped you on the head at birth." She aimed yet again for the sore spot cruelly and got results. Potter looked like he wanted to hit her and Black grabbed her robes angrily.

"What?" she goaded. "Isn't it obvious that no-one could love you, even as a baby?" Unwittingly she was repeating something someone else had said, something locked so deep in her mind that she no longer really remembered it. Then, to make the comment obvious and unimportantly true, she added, "I answered you; aren't you going to let go of me now?"

The walls were beginning to press in – she hated small spaces. The bodies of the boys beside her made it even smaller and she wanted to flinch away. Suddenly, Black spoke up from behind her and the boys shared secret smiles.

"Here, we'll let go of you!" And she was thrust out from behind the tapestry, right into the path of the caretaker, Eremias Jonas. To make it even worse, Professor McGonagall rounded the corner a moment later.

"Miss Evans! What are you doing out of bed?" she demanded. Lily didn't answer for a moment, instead accidentally moving the edge of the tapestry so that Black's robes showed, poking out from the entrance.

"What's this?" Jonas cried gleefully. "More students out of bed?" At the same time Lily continued as if the tapestry moving had nothing to do with her;

"I was walking, Professor." McGonagall might not have been at the school for a great many years but she wasn't stupid and she vaguely understood the animosity between the two parties stood before her.

"With these two boys?" Looking disgusted and fixing the Professor with a disbelieving stare, Lily replied coldly,

"You must have fewer brain cells than I thought." Not perhaps advisable but highly satisfying.

"That's enough of your cheek, Miss Evans. What do you two have to say for yourselves?" Lily didn't listen to their answer, instead simply waiting for the punishment to be dolled out. Cutting off the boy's false apologies the Professor continued,

"I have had enough of you three! Miss Evans, your grades are still not up to standard and your attitude needs a severe turn-around. Mr Potter, if you think you can continue to sail through life causing havoc as you do now, think again. And Mr Black, you are already in enough trouble for that explosion last week so I don't know what you're smirking about. That will be thirty points deducted, each. You have a month of detentions and Mr Black, you will have two months – on top of those you have already earned yourself. Miss Evans I have warned you about this; you will receive transfiguration tutoring from Mr Potter here until your abilities are OWL level. I have no doubt that will be bad enough without my adding any more conventional punishments. Mr Jonas, if you would be kind enough to escort these three to their dorm?"

Lily left the other two glaring at her in the common room and climbed the stairs to the dorm, cursing herself for being caught by the pranksters. She needed to be more careful. Upon drifting into dreams, the phrase she had uttered haunted her, fragments of past swirling and always out of reach of her crushing fingers. Isn't it obvious… obvious…. love….no-one…baby…obvious….

xxx

The others of her dorm were spread in little clumps across the room when Lily left for her first detention. She walked swiftly down the corridors to Jonas' office her shoes clicking against the stone. So far she hadn't had any detentions with the caretaker – and she didn't know what to expect. There was a strong possibility that Black or Potter would be there – and that was enough said.

She reached his office just a Black appeared from the opposite direction and found Jonas standing and tapping his foot. The caretaker gave a smirk.

"Come along then." Responding to Black's glare with haughty indifference she followed the man down the corridors into a room in the dungeons. The room was dark and Jonas smiled slyly.

"In you go." Black seemed unperturbed and Lily walked in confidently, unwilling to be outdone by him. They stood in the dark for a few seconds and then the magical torches sprang into life. It was like all the dungeons, damp and dirty, but for one difference.

The things on the walls.

Jonas let them take in the spectacle of old shackles, a folding stretch bed, thumb twist and a huge number of other things that Lily couldn't name. Black still seemed unmoved – in fact he looked rather smug. She kept her face expressionless.

"Follow me." Jonas voice was beginning to sound like the voice of Satan – and she didn't fancy following him into hell. Still, Black seemed pretty confident so she mustered her disdain and followed him.

They emerged out of the dungeons near the owlery, and slowly made their way up the stairs. She was now thoroughly confused. What on earth? Jonas held a hand out.

"Your wands." She stared back at him. On the one hand, there was no way she was relinquishing her weapon. On the other, objecting would most likely mean backing down – and Lily Evans didn't like backing down. It was bad for the image.

She handed it over. It was exchanged for a bucket of soapy water and a mop. Jonas gave an evil grin.

"You're cleaning the owlery. By the end of your detentions it is to be spotless. And you'll do this twice a week." He turned and left, locking the door. Lily forced herself not to groan. She was locked in an owlery for an hour, with Sirius Black. What could be worse?

She found out a few minutes later, when the door opened and his friends entered. She cursed her stupidity at getting the detentions in the first place and continued to scrape the droppings from the staircase walls. There was no way that this could be done without magic. It needed some serious acid to get rid of the stuff. She could hear the group muttering behind her.

"Oh look, if it isn't little Lily Evans," James crowed. "What on earth could she be doing, cleaning an owlery? Is it because she got us into trouble, Padfoot?"

"Surely not, Prongs!" his friend replied. "Ah dear, well I think we'll have to leave you." They turned towards the door and Lily snapped round, flashing with anger.

"Where the hell do you think you're going, Black?"

"What's the matter, Evans? Worried you won't get your alone time with me?" He smirked. "Sorry, I'll have to save that for another day. Have fun!" She began to walk down the stairs quickly, in order to block his exit but they were too fast and much closer. Their laughter echoed back at her as they walked away.

She fumed, kicking Black's bucket over with a sudden burst of violence. The water spread out across the dirty floor, seeping into the encrusted cracks between the stones. Now that he was gone, there was no way she was going to keep cleaning. She tried the door half-heartedly, knowing already that it would be locked. And she didn't have her wand. Vindictively, she took Black's bucket and refilled it with clean water from the pump in the corner. She didn't need to tattle to get him in trouble.

She climbed the steps again to the top, settling herself in one of the cleaner windows. An owl perched above her hooted quietly. It was utterly silent. Her swinging feet hit the outer wall with rhythmic thuds as she contemplated more lasting revenge. Potter was easy. If she ever actually went to be tutored by him, she would make sure it was the worst hour of his life.

Black was more difficult. Though she watched them, as one wary of their enemies, she knew little about him. Getting into trouble with teachers wouldn't be too much a of a problem; he already had at least three months worth of detentions, but that didn't have any kind of originality – in fact it was likely that he wouldn't care very much. She needed something different, something more effective. Something like humiliation.

She smiled almost evilly. She had just the thing, and he wouldn't even know. Perhaps some mention of Potter too – after all, tutoring was as much a punishment to her as to him – yes, he would definitely have to be part of Black's humiliation. Feeling slightly more peaceful now that revenge was part way planned, she stared out across the grounds.

The owl flew easily towards her, landing peacefully on the stone windowsill next to her. She smiled slightly, running her fingers through the white feathers, smoothing her hands absently across the shape of the wings and wondering what it would be like to be able to fly like that.

She really should get a bit further with that book. Unfortunately, everything seemed to involve transfiguration in some form or other – all forms that Lily couldn't master. She could barely manage turning a matchstick into a needle. She supposed it would be a reason to cooperate with the tutoring – but at that moment, even being able to fly like a bird didn't seem worth spending an hour with Potter every week.

Nothing really seemed worth that. She sighed quietly as she heard them returning – she had been sitting longer than she had realised. Quickly drawing her legs in, she glared down at them disdainfully as they entered. Potter smirked up at her.

"Had fun, Evans?" She stood up and stretched obviously.

"It was quite relaxing thank-you." Her voice was sugary sweet with a slight undertone of glee because even at this moment she could picture her revenge and it looked sweet. "Hmm," Potter mocked, "Wouldn't have thought someone a guilty as you would be able to relax. Unless they were heartless." The heartless comment didn't hurt her – maybe that was what she aimed for anyway. And though it stung slightly, Potter had no idea what things she might unwillingly feel guilty of; so it meant nothing.

"Whoooo!" Black lifted his robes up making them flap around him like a black ghost. "I'm a Dementor come to get you!" They sniggered but she didn't flinch, fixing them instead with a contemptuous stare and turning away as they cleansed the area around Black's bucket and mop magically. It didn't look shiny clean however, and she could tell that they had done this before because it looked realistic. Then they left.

When Filch returned at the end of the hour and told them to stop working, he could see Lily Evans standing at the edge of a slightly cleaner area and Sirius Black standing in the middle of it. He took the one bucket filled with sloppy muck and told its owner to leave – the other student was suspected of doing nothing and trying to take credit for another student's toil; he remained until his bucket water was sufficiently disgusting to merit an end.

Xxx

So that's it. Originally there should be another scene but i decided that it would be better in the next chapter. And otherwise it would have taken me another few weeks...Incedentally the next chapter will probably be out in about a month or so...because i just got the end of my 'detailed plan' and im going skiing next week...

Thanks v much for reading. one query: does anyone feel Lily is getting out of character? Because in truth i think she is kind of the cold bitch she makes everyone see...in a way. I guess it makes sense to me cos i know da plot...(heheh) If at any time in da story anyone thinks she's getting into one of those people who 'turns a new leaf' or 'finds her true self' or whatever - please tell me. Or if you think something doesn't tie in with earlier chapters or something. I'll either correct it or explain the reason...

I guess i'll go now and start the next chapter (or keep writing one of my other stories or something. I have so many on the go...) Anything is preferable to retyping the pages of Maths coursework i just lost in a powercut... ahhhh! And that was just the plan and it's due in on thurs...I think i need a sick day...

:) hope u enjoyed this chapter, will hopefully have the next one up soon... Please review and tell me what you think!

Randomisation xxx