When You Least Expect It Chapter Eleven

A couple days later

Sandy breezed into the kitchen early one morning, set to grab a quick breakfast before an early client consultation. He slowed down somewhat as he caught sight of Ryan, who was sitting silently at the counter staring into a mostly uneaten bowl of cereal. At first he almost smiled; Ryan had a tendency to look like SUCH a teenager when he was pouting. But looking closer, there was a sadness in his eyes that seemed to go beyond teenage angst. He frowned in concern. "Hey, kid," he spoke up. "You're up early."

Ryan shrugged. "Couldn't sleep," he said flatly.

Sandy debated whether or not he wanted to take this conversation there, then decided what the hell. "Does this have anything to know with one Marissa Cooper being conspicuously absent from around here the past couple days- and nights?" he asked gently, taking a seat next to Ryan. Ryan looked up in surprise and flushed a little at the mention of nights. "Ryan," he laughed a little. "You had to know I was aware what your curtains being drawn and the pool house being locked meant."

First he'd been miserable and now he was profoundly uncomfortable. Ryan couldn't decide which emotion was less desired. "I…I figured you probably did," Ryan admitted, getting a little more flustered and red in the face. "I guess I took the teenage way out of if you didn't mention it to me, I wasn't in any trouble for it."

"You're not, you're not," Sandy said, holding up a hand. "I wondered if I should do something at first, but…hell. I know you two would probably just find somewhere else if you weren't here; at least I know where you are. And having her around the past few months, particularly after the accident, seems to have improved your demeanor more than anything. Your grades are good, you haven't gotten into any real trouble, and you haven't brooded as much," Sandy teased, coaxing a tiny smile out of Ryan. "I know we talked about this when I first realized you two were…you know, but I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt that you're still being very, very careful."

Ryan inwardly groaned; he SO did not want to be having this conversation again, but he figured Sandy had earned the right to ask him that every day after what had happened with Theresa. "We're very careful," Ryan assured him. "Trust me, even the idea of something like that happening again…of screwing up Marissa's life as well as my own…we're completely careful."

Sandy patted his shoulder. "I figured as much. And hell, I know what a hard time you had following the accident. I know you had nightmares and got sick in the middle of the night early on. If Marissa can help you out there, more power to her."

"She did," Ryan said quietly, his emotions returning to unhappiness. He preferred the discomfort after all, he realized. "I think it might have hurt her more than helped her, though."

Sandy frowned. "What do you mean?"

Ryan sighed. "Marissa and I got into a fight and Summer ended up getting pissed off at me about it, and she gave me this whole speech about what her life has been like since the accident. She's been struggling with school and she got so tired at one point she almost got sick. And that's not even taking into account all the times I brought her down just by treating her badly."

Every time Ryan let Sandy in enough to tell him what one of his problems with Marissa was, Sandy was always surprised at how…grown up the issues seemed to be. For better or for worse, they didn't fight about things like Ryan checking out other girls or unintentionally insulting Marissa's weight or any other classic high school issue. They had issues that adults could easily have, that many adults DID have. "You do are never going to fight about things like prom, are you?" he asked wryly. "It's not necessarily a bad thing," he clarified hastily at Ryan's downcast expression. "I mean, I worry about you. Both of you, really. I wish you'd had the kinds of lives that allowed you to just be kids. But you are where you are, both of you. And maybe it's good you have each other to be there."

Ryan nodded slowly, taking in Sandy's words. He hadn't really thought about it like that, but the truth was, Marissa wasn't a kid in a lot of ways, and she'd be like that with or without him. And God knew, he'd never had much of a chance to be a kid. He guessed they worked together in a strange way. He just hoped they'd still have each other at the end of all this.

---

"Hey Coop, you want to get some breakfast before…" Summer trailed off as she breezed into Marissa's bedroom and surveyed the sorry sight around her. Her best friend's room was a mess and she was sitting listlessly on her bed curled up with her dog, no make up, her hair in a ponytail, and in a simple white shirt and jeans. "Sweetie, this is just SAD," she said frankly. "It's not like you guys broke up."

"I know we didn't, but it's so awkward," Marissa said unhappily. "It's like we're in some stage of limbo. He doesn't know how he wants to handle all these trust issues regarding the drinking thing yet, and I don't blame him. It's a huge thing we completely glossed over; it's going to take more than a day to fix. I mean, we don't ignore the topic. We kind of dance around it. I just don't think he's totally sorted out in his head what he wants to say yet, and that's okay. But while we're in this place…we can't really just BE like we used to. We see each other at school or talk on the phone or something…we even tried going to dinner last night, but it was just weird." She shrugged miserably. "I miss him."

"Oh, baby," Summer said sympathetically. "I…don't have any advice, but I could give you a hug."

Marissa smiled in spite of herself and gratefully leaned into Summer's hug. "Thanks, Sum," she sighed. "I guess I just have to be patient. And hopefully, you'll put up with my moping in the meantime."

Summer ruffled her hair affectionately. "If I must," she teased. "But seriously, Coop…you have to come to school in something better than that. Not looking hot isn't going to help your problems."

Marissa rolled her eyes even as she could feel her mood lifting at her friend's silly banter. "Wouldn't want that," she said sarcastically, but got up to change nonetheless. Her wardrobe issues led to them only having time to get breakfast at the drive through before they had to get to school.

"It's weird between all four of us now," Summer commented as they strolled through the halls together.

Marissa looked at her in concern. "Not between you and Seth, right? Please tell me you two aren't fighting about Ryan and me."

"Oh, no," Summer waved her hand dismissively. "We fight about a million things a day, that was no big deal. But I haven't talked to Ryan since I almost threatened to call the cops if he didn't get off my property, and I doubt you've talked to Seth."

"I haven't," Marissa admitted, still feeling a faint flush of shame as she remembered Seth's tirade against her. "Don't get me wrong, I'm not mad or anything, I just don't know what I'd say." She shook her head tiredly. "I'm sorry about this. This issue between Ryan and me has led to strain between all of us, and I started it with my drinking."

"Hey." Summer linked her arm through Marissa's. "You can beat yourself up all you want, but on my watch? You've done it enough." She looked off down the hall and her eyes widened a little. "I don't think we have any shot of this not being awkward."

Marissa frowned at her, her gaze following Summer's…to Ryan and Seth, who were almost on top of them in the hall. Oh, shit. "Ryan!" she said with overly enthusiastic cheeriness; she winced at how fake she sounded.

Ryan felt the same jolt in his system he always did when he saw Marissa, the one that somehow never got old. But mixed in with that jolt was the awkwardness that had been there for the past several days, and that was hard to get around. "Hey," he said with an equally false casual tone, trying to smile. The four of them stood there, all staring somewhat blankly at each other for a few long seconds.

"Okay, we're going this way," Seth suddenly spoke up, grabbing Summer by the hand and dragging her down the hall, leaving Ryan and Marissa alone together.

Ryan stood in silence for a few seconds longer, simply looking at her. "You look really nice today," he said quietly at length.

Marissa instinctively touched the hair she'd carefully fixed at Summer's insistence, torn between gratitude that her best friend had talked her into making herself look presentable and sadness that things were so strained between them. Any other day he would have wrapped his arms around her from behind and told her how great she looked. "Thanks," she responded softly, laughing a little in embarrassment. "I think you have Summer to thank for that."

Ryan shrugged. "You always look great." It was one of the million things only Ryan could get away with saying and actually touching her, because it was so obvious he really meant it.

"That's sweet," Marissa murmured, casting her eyes off to the side to prevent him from seeing how upset she was. "Listen…I gotta go to class." She started to walk off in the other direction.

"You want to have lunch together today?" Ryan interrupted her, stepping back in front of her. "I mean, just us?"

Marissa blinked, taken aback and pleased all at once. She wasn't sure if Ryan was indicating his willingness to talk about more serious issues or not; she didn't really care. At least he wanted to do SOMETHING. "Sure," she said instantly, and her heart tugged at the somewhat relieved smile on Ryan's face. "Let's meet in the quad, okay?"

"Okay," he said, feeling a little better about letting her go off now that he had a clear cut idea of when he'd see her again. It wasn't much, but it was something.

---

Ryan checked his watch impatiently, feeling annoyed and downcast all at once. He'd been waiting for Marissa for ten minutes. He didn't really think she'd blow him off without so much as a word for no reason, but with every minute that went by he felt more unhappy and ridiculously insecure.

"She's not blowing you off."

Ryan looked up, startled, to see Summer standing in front of him looking somewhat uncomfortable. "What…you mean Marissa?" he asked in confusion. "How did you know?"

"She's going to be about five more minutes; she's with a teacher," Summer explained. "She caught me in the hallway and asked me to come meet you and explain." She couldn't help feeling sorry for the kid; he looked so downtrodden. "If it makes you feel any better, she was toooooootally stressing out that she was going to piss you off or upset you. She really wants to meet up with you."

"Thanks," Ryan smiled faintly. His smile faltered somewhat as he realized this was the first time Summer had talked to him since she exploded at him in front of her house.

Summer was thinking about the same thing. "Look," she sighed, sitting down next to him. "I know I was pretty harsh to you the other night. I'm not going to apologize for everything, because I think some of it needed to be said. But I didn't mean to make you feel bad about the accident; that was a low blow. And as pissed off as I was at you that night and as convinced as I was that you weren't making Marissa happy at the time…she's less happy now because she doesn't feel connected to you, and I don't want that for her. So…" she waved her hands awkwardly. "Do whatever. Fix it, work it out. I just want to see her smile again." She started to get up, paused. "It wouldn't hurt to see one on your face either, because I haven't seen it lately," she said, frankly but not without sympathy.

Ryan gave her a more genuine smile this time. "Thanks, Summer."

"I'm here!" Marissa came racing breathlessly up to them. "I'm SO sorry, Mr. Jurich got me and I couldn't get away. On the bright side, he wanted to talk to me because he has to leave early today, so no last period for me." She patted Summer's arm. "Thanks for covering for me, Sum."

"No problem," Summer replied, touching Marissa's hand briefly before stepping back. "Bye, guys." She smiled at them both and disappeared into the crowed.

Marissa's brow wrinkled and she looked back at Ryan. "I hope that means you two are getting along again," she ventured tentatively.

Ryan shrugged. "Hard to tell with her, isn't it? I was never pissed off."

"I'm really sorry I was late," Marissa apologized again. "I couldn't get out of that."

Ryan waved her apology off. "Don't worry about it; meeting with teachers is more important than being on time for lunch with me, anyway. Especially considering how much school you've blown off on my account recently, he silently added. And considering he was about to ask her to do it one more time. "But considering as you now have no last period and our history class is supposed to be a nothing day…do you want to maybe blow off the rest of the day? I thought we could go somewhere and talk…maybe that little park you and Summer set up that picnic at a few weeks ago."

Marissa's heart leapt. She wasn't about to turn down a chance at a serious conversation and moving this all forward one way or another. "I'd love to," she said instantly. "I swear, I really don't have anything else important to do today."

Ryan felt a little ridiculous for the relief he felt at her immediate, obviously heartfelt enthusiasm at the idea. "Okay," he said simply aloud. "Let's go."

They walked quietly to Ryan's car. Marissa started to go for the passenger seat when Ryan's voice sounded behind her.

"Marissa?" he said softly, a little hesitantly. Marissa turned to see all of the loneliness, uncertainty, and pain of the last few days that she'd been feeling written all over his face. She wasn't even sure who started it. The next thing she knew, she was wrapped in Ryan's arms. She buried her face into his strong, familiar chest, breathing in that scent that was uniquely him and feeling more at home than she had in days.

"God, I've missed you," he murmured into her hair. "We can't let ourselves do this again. I mean, I think you were right that we need to seriously work this out, and I needed some time to sort it out in my own mind that I wouldn't have gotten if we'd just gone back to the way things were, but the next time we have a really serious thing, we've got to deal with it soon so this doesn't happen again."

"I know what you mean," she mumbled, her words muffled both by his chest and tears she was struggling to keep at bay. She knew trying not to cry would be a lost cause this afternoon, but she didn't want to be a complete mess right off the bat. "I really do think we need to work this through, but I hate feeling so distant from you." She giggled a little shakily. "We really should probably take this moment somewhere other than the school parking lot."

Ryan chuckled. "Probably," he agreed. He tilted her head up enough to kiss her forehead, then reluctantly released her and opened her car door for her before rounding the car and climbing in himself. They grabbed some food at a nearby deli, then headed to the little, somewhat secluded park. Ryan brought a blanket he always kept in the car for the times he and Marissa impulsively decided to go to the beach along with him and they found a shady spot underneath a large tree to sit. For awhile, they simply ate in silence while Ryan formulated his thoughts and Marissa quietly waited for him to speak up.

"Why did you stop drinking?" Ryan asked suddenly, unsure of how to begin and deciding to just dive right in.

Marissa opened her mouth and closed it again, a little taken aback by how forward he was being all of the sudden. "That's a good question," she admitted at length. "I can't really expect you to believe I've stopped if you don't understand why I did. There isn't one easy answer, to tell you the truth. The last time I was involved in a situation with alcohol that got totally out of hand was that night with Lindsay. I wasn't even that drunk, but you know the score."

Thinking about that night made Ryan feel so bizarre; it was like another life. He felt like he'd been with Marissa for forever now. It was just weird to think about a relationship with another girl. "Marissa…" he started awkwardly.

Marissa held up a hand. "No, really. This isn't about that. I know you're sorry for some of what you said that night. Of course I know now how much our relationship means to you. But what you said about my drinking? You were right, and I knew it. I didn't want to be in a position where that happened to me ever again, and at the time it outweighed the escape alcohol provided."

"I wish I'd been a little nicer in my delivery," Ryan said ruefully.

Marissa shrugged pragmatically. "You can't always be nice," she said matter-of-factly. "Anyway, I'm not going to say I STOPPED drinking then. I didn't. I just stopped making a fool out of myself in public. A lot of the rest of the appeal of alcohol wore off when I was living with Alex. There was, out on my own, able to drink whenever I wanted- and then I realized I didn't particularly WANT to drink that much when I was independent, which made me realize a lot of the reason I'd kept drinking was the reaction I got out of my mom and Caleb, which made me feel like an idiot. I cut WAY down after that. It just seemed so stupid and not worth it. But I guess what really cut me off…I mean, what made me…I haven't had a…" she faltered, unsure how to say this. This was always a horribly painful topic in and of itself.

Ryan frowned, sitting up further. "What?" he asked curiously.

Marissa sighed and looked down at her hands. "I haven't had a drink since that night with Trey," she confessed, her voice barely above a whisper.

Ryan flinched. What the hell was he supposed to say to that? He wouldn't have thought anything that could have stopped her from drinking would be bad. He hadn't been counting on that answer. "It wouldn't have mattered," he muttered haltingly. "I couldn't even fight him off in the end. It wouldn't have mattered if you'd been stone cold sober."

"I know," Marissa said softly. "Although thank you for saying that. I know that, even if I have to make myself FEEL it sometimes. But it's just…not a good memory tied to alcohol. And I mean, I've changed since that night. It's not why I'm not drinking now. I've tried really hard to learn how to stand on my own two feet, to learn how to deal with a crisis without depending on a crutch."

That was true, Ryan knew. He was vaguely surprised he hadn't outright thought about that before, but she was much stronger this year than she'd been a year ago, let alone two. "You've done a good job of that," he noted out loud. "I don't say it often enough, but you have. Hell, you've been the one to hold me together the past few months."

Marissa smiled faintly, pleased that he looked at it like that. "If that's true, I probably owe you a time period like that. Or twenty."

"You don't owe me anything," Ryan said quietly. "But I appreciate it nonetheless."

Marissa stroked his cheek lightly. "There's one really important reason I stopped drinking, and I don't know quite how to explain it." Ryan's brow knitted and he motioned for her to go on. "You," she said simply.

Ryan blinked. "Me?" he repeated dumbly.

Marissa heaved a sigh, trying to not screw her explanation of this up. "I haven't made it as clear as I should because I don't want you to feel responsible for me," she explained. "It's not about that, even though I know why you might feel that way. You don't have to stay with me to keep me from drinking; it's not your behavior that decides whether or not I'm sober. I just…I don't want to hurt you again. I don't want to disappoint you again. It doesn't even matter if we're together or not. I don't want to be responsible for that look on your face again. Having your respect and hopefully eventually your trust, and just NOT hurting you like that again is more important to me than alcohol. I'm sorry it hasn't always been like that, but it is now."

She barely got the words out before Ryan had leaned forward and cupped her face in one hand, pulling her into an intense kiss. It wasn't so much passionate as it was full of gratitude and commitment. She kissed him back, trying to convey all the love and regret and determination to be stronger this time that she perhaps wasn't so good conveying in words.

"Thank you," he whispered when they finally broke off, leaning his forehead against hers. "Just…thank you." He closed his eyes and stayed close to her for a long moment. "Can we…I'm not done, but can we stop it here for right now? What you just said…I just want to keep it like this for a little while." It was the first time he'd been out and out told he was more important than alcohol by someone he loved that had a problem with it. He wanted to stay in that moment for awhile.

"Of course," Marissa said quickly. "This is up to you. Let me know when you want to take it further."

"Do we…can be NOT be so awkward now?" Ryan asked wryly. "The floodgates have opened, you know? We're talking about it. So can we like, spend more time together now without staring at each other and not talking? Or doing anything else? Because even Sandy is wondering where you are."

"Awwww," Marissa laughed. "Is he really? No, that sounds like a good idea, seriously. I don't like that anymore than you do."

"Good. Wanna stay over for dinner?" he asked playfully.

Marissa rolled her eyes. The boy was insatiable. "Dinner sounds great. We'll see how it goes from there." She almost laughed at his pouting, child-like expression. They still had a ways to go, but at least now she was confident they could get there.