First fanfiction ever posted! Atem attempts to set the records straight with the dubbers with disastrous effects!
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A List of Complaints:
Fear my finger
I've been chopped in half and now I'm glowing
All blades are glowing blue soul-suckers
We have no lives other than our destiny
I heart clichés
Help! I'm a teenager trapped with an old man's voice!
Bad guys don't bleed
Death? What's that?
Everyone lives in America.
Toddlers watch PG-13?
Hi! I'm a cookie-cutter character!
Religion is not appropriate for daytime television.
Why am I named after a popular British beverage?
We have no emotions whatsoever. Yayz.
Wine, not grape juice. Drunken, not chatty. We love Pegs.
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The Story Begins:Will the TV Show be Saved?
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Atem approached the dubber uncertainly, unsure if he should bring up the mistakes he had noticed in the script, or just stay as far away as he could.
"Um, Dubber-san, could I speak to you for a moment please?"
"Certainly, as long as you don't say san again, that's not English."
"But I'm not English."
"Of course you're not! You're American!"
"No…I'm Japanese."
"What are you talking about? Of course you're American!"
"But I'm from Japan!"
"Have you read the script?"
"Yes."
"Then you would have seen this line here that clearly states that you are in America."
"But that's not what she said! She really said--"
"We are in America, and little children are watching. We want everything to be clear to them."
"Clear? Almost everything has been changed from what really happened! And wasn't this originally for teenagers?"
"It is for children. And we have merely put the events in a form that the children will like and understand."
"But you cut out almost all the important plot points in episode 52 through 54!"
"All those complicated subplots confused the story and weren't necessary anyway."
"But one of the 'unnecessary subplots' affects what Kaiba does in episode 137!"
" We still explained it almost exactly the same way."
" But you still changed the story!"
"It makes it better." Ignoring Atem's sputters of rage, he added, "Was there anything else you wanted to talk about?"
Calming down, Atem stated slowly, "Is there any particular reason why you changed our names? I'm sure my friends' parents knew what they were doing when they named them."
"We needed to use names that were more normal."
"You left some of our 'abnormal' names alone. And the names you gave weren't too normal either. Honda wants to know where in the world you got the name 'Tristan Taylor', and Anzu isn't too happy about being named after a beverage."
"Her name is pronounced 'Tay-Uh', not 'tea'."
"Well, it's spelled that way. And she's doesn't like what you did to her character either. In fact, none of us are."
"What's wrong with your characters?"
"For starters, you make me sound like an old fogey obsessed with saving the world and fulfilling my destiny; Yugi sounds like a little kid obsessed with the same thing; you make Jonouchi act like an idiot 24/7; Honda looks like an idiot now too; you make Anzu rhapsodize about friendship in the most annoying manner possible; Pegasus became a grape juice-loving, chatty weirdo--he is legal drinking age! It won't kill you to say it's wine! You admitted it in the movie!--; Mokuba looks like a cliched bratty little kid; Bakura is a wimpy British kid; the other Bakura is a well-behaved psycho--He is not child friendly! Stop trying to make him look like it! We are talking about a guy who will devour a raw steak like an animal and then say that blood isn't enough, who also yanks fake eyeballs out of people's heads and licks them, and thinks hauling around dead bodies is fun!--; and Kaiba now seems to be the biggest jerk the world has ever seen. And although we don't get along all the time, I can testify that he is not a complete jerk."
"But we need to keep it simple for the children-"
Atem sorely wanted to strangle the man in front of him. Instead, he just started talking over him. "And about destiny and friendship. You have us mention those two things at least once each episode, without fail. You completely obliterate the normal conversations we originally had and replace them with some of the most trite and cliched speeches I have ever heard. We sound like a bunch of pompous preachers. Preachers without any emotion for what we're saying. On screen we sound like we are reading off a script that we are seeing for the first time! No emotions! You have made us into emotionless preachers with no lives other than our destiny."
"We want the children to get the message the show giving."
"The hints you drop on the viewers' heads are like grand pianos filled with bowling balls dropped from a skyscraper."
"Well, this is children we are talking about. They don't understand deep philosophical meanings unless they are put in repeated simple terms."
"Friendship and courage are not deep philosophical ideas. They are common threads in society."
"Well this is children we are talking about."
Atem was desperately resisting the urge to yell every obscenity he knew at the man. Through gritted teeth, he continued, "Why is the word "death" anathema? You don't seem to want to admit that it could happen to us. That was a real possibility. And death is a natural thing, it happens every day. If you don't like it, don't try to pass this off as a kid's show, all you will do is make people wonder at how ridiculous it is."
"But-"
He plowed on, right over bewildered man's protestations, "And why isn't there any blood? Or guns, for that matter? The security guards definitely had guns. Making every knife or blade in sight into an automatic soul-banisher that glows blue doesn't make sense either. And the glowing blobs that show up every time something gets cut is really stupid."
"Blood, guns, and knives on a children's show? Are you crazy? We can't let them see violence at such an early age!"
"So instead, the security guards will be brandishing their fingers at trespassers, yelling : 'This is my Finger X3000! Don't make me use it!' Or : 'One touch from by "Blade of Shadow Magic" and your soul will be sent to the Shadow Realm!'? There is violence on the news! Are you going to censor the news too?"
" Are you copping an attitude with me, young man? How old are you anyway?"
"16 going on 17."
"What?"
"I'm 16."
"But you existed 5000 years ago!"
"3000! I'm not that old! And the years in the puzzle don't count! I was 16 when I saved the world, and so therefore I am 16 now! And while we are on the subject I want to ask you one last thing."
Still recovering from the frazzled teen(for he was indeed a teenager)'s shouting, the dubber asked weakly, "What?"
Atem took a deep breath, gave a pleasant smile, and yelled into the dubber's ear, "WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY VOICE? I AM A TEENAGER! YOU MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A THIRTY-SOMETHING- YEAR-OLD MAN WITH A HEAD COLD!"
Dazed, the dubber replied, "But you are the mature, rescuer of the world! And with you being a 5000 year old spirit, it would follow-"
He was unable to finish, as Atem gave a scream of pure rage and performed a Mind Crush™, sending the dubber's mind to a dark place where he could think about all his "wonderful corrections" in peace and solitude. Smiling happily, Atem walked back to the staff room, where everyone else was having takoyaki and orange soda-except Pegasus, he had his Chardonnay. They were going back to Japan as soon as possible. Kaiba could cover the plane tickets, and as long as Jonouchi was on the other side of the plane, everything would be fine.
And he was definitely going to tell Yugi that they must never entrust Americans with their anime ever again, as it was just too hard to get any respect.
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Authour's Notes! Firecrackers of Celebration Explode With Joy: You like? You like? I hope you do! Let me know!
I wrote this for my creative writing class. We had to write a satire. I run away screaming from politics (they make no sense to me!) and I feel strongly about dubbing, so I wrote this!
One More Thingy-thingy-thingy (actually it's three): Episode 52 is when Seto meets Isis and sees the magical tablet o' DOOM and becomes one with the floor. Episode 53 is the one where Yugi sets up a date between Atem and Anzu. 54 is when they go to the museum and meet Isis.
Okay I lied! It's four! Episode 137 is when Isis tells Seto what was written on the tablet and he decides to give Yugi the Devil's Sanctuary card.
Ja ne minna-san!
-HCB (Chibi!)