Title: So Many Things
Author: knightshade
Rating: PG

Disclaimer: I don't own them. That would be Joss.

SERENTIY SPOILERS

Spoiler Summary: The memories came and went like lightning, scorching and burning her from the inside out. She was parchment and Wash's death was the flame.

So Many Things

There were so many things to miss. All that she loved about him in life tore her up so much in death. Large things and small ones -- monumental moments in their lives together and simple everyday intimacies. The memories came and went like lightning, scorching and burning her from the inside out. She was parchment and Wash's death was the flame. One minute she was seared by the memory of the sparkle in his impossibly blue eyes, the next it was the way he'd taken her hand when he proposed. And there were so many more bolts coming – so many more strikes to cut her through, hollow her out, and leave her empty.

She was sitting on a crate in the cargo bay because it was her territory. Not his, not theirs, but hers. There were memories everywhere, but relatively few of them lived here. This was where she was the most independent, the most focused on her job. It was the home of Zoe the Self-Reliant, Zoe the Competent, Zoe the Second in Command. It was shelter from the storm.

There were so many things she'd done in her life. So many roles she'd taken on. But none had given her as much happiness as being Wash's wife. The other soldiers in her unit had sworn she was missing a heart. Some days she'd even believed it herself. And then she's met Wash and something inside her opened up. Words like 'baby' and 'sweetie' started rolling off her tongue like fine liquor. She'd never been that exposed, that laid-bare with anyone before. She'd embraced being Wash's wife as fully as she'd embraced being a soldier. And no one had been more surprised than her.

But now she had a new role to play. Now she was Wash's widow.

There were so many things they'd planned on that would never come to pass. So many planets they'd never see, so many trips they'd never take. They'd never grow old together, never settle down on some planet somewhere, never make love in the tall grass of their own backyard, never celebrate another anniversary.

And she'd never get to meet their child.

Zoe took in a breath and then another one, feeling her hollowed-out body obeying her brain's commands. She had so many things to figure out, to settle. She had to get on with the task of being a widow. She'd seen death before. She knew there were only so many places the lightning could strike. Once those holes were all punched, once the fire had gone out and there were only charred edges left, it would get better. Like the aches in the bones she'd broken, she'd always know the holes were there. They'd ache when the weather changed – when someone told a story about him or she stumbled across one more of his dinosaurs – but the searing white-hot pain would subside.

There were so many things she needed to do. She climbed the steps out of the cargo bay, and headed to their quarters where she would start by going through Wash's things. She would suffer that maelstrom, writhe as those lightning bolts sliced her through, and then move to the next task. It was the only way she knew how to do this. It was the only way she knew how to go on.

There were so many things that were cutting her up inside right now, hidden beneath her impassive, soldier's veneer. But there was one thought that kept rising to the surface. One thought that kept threatening to swamp her.

Wash was going to leave her with so many holes.

- - -
-knightshade
October 3, 2005