Title: Never On My Own
Author: BlackHeartedRebel
Permission to archive: anywhere else just ask.
Fandom(s): CSI : Las Vegas
Genre: Subtle femslash.
Pairing/Characters: Slight hint of C/S
Rating: T
Feedback: Desired. Lusted for. NEEDED. Pweeze?
Summary: All of her life, Catherine has been dependent on something.
Warnings: Mild talk of drug usage.
Notes: Song lyrics belong to Matt Mays and El Torpedo, song is "Cocaine Cowgirl". Yes, this is a reposted story, hence the heavy underlining of the title of the song and who it belongs to (which is NOT ME growl).
There was silence in the lab. At least, to Catherine's ears. The only sound she could hear as she stared blindly was the song. Just a simple rock song she heard on the radio that somehow portrayed her life to her. It was so surreal, listening to some random station and hearing your memories conveyed to you through the voice of a stranger. It was powerful. She blinked, and the lyrics replayed through her head.
Looking back... through the chapters of your life... searching for... a storyline...
It brought tears to her eyes. Her life had been so meaningless. So empty. Getting by day to day by revealing herself to dirty, slobbering strangers. Making enough money to buy a burger and some coke. Thinking of those times, her nose hurt. She remembered the sharp pain, the slight feeling that you can't breath because the air has turned to white dust. And then the high. Oh, there was nothing better. Nothing could make you feel as important and as tall as that drug could. At times, she missed it, and at times, she thanked whatever higher power that she stopped.
Cuz the one you're leading now is doing nothing for you
Say goodbye to your friends and the ones who love you
Moving on...
JJ's song has been pushing you along
Gypsy man on a one night stand
Moving to the night far from the lights
On an asphalt path drifting over the white line
Gypsy man nobody knows
She was on auto pilot, walking towards the break room. Catching glimpses of Greg in his lab, Warrick, Nick, and even Grissom. They were concentrating on a case, deep in thought and actually working. Not obsessing over some coincidental tune they heard on the radio. But they didn't have a song like this one to obsess over. She wondered where Sara was, surprising herself by suppressing a smile.
She had made it to the break room. She grabbed a Styrofoam cup from the dispenser
and reached behind the large coffee maker, grabbing Greg's supposedly "well-hidden"
thermos which contained his special blend. She poured it in, leaving the cream and sugar out, deciding the kick of pure coffee would be enough to shake her from this weird trance.
Cocaine cowgirl, she's out catching eyes
On the other end of the desert sky
Taking you down to the dark side of town
A dark side of town
Cocaine cowgirl nobody knows...
She sat at the small round table in the corner of the room, pulling her chair closely and propping her right arm on the table. She sipped the coffee, the scald of the brown-black liquid burning at her lips. She was used to it, it came with the need for caffeine. Now that she thought of it, she couldn't remember a time in her life when she hadn't been addicted to something.
Cocaine, sex, men, parenting,work, coffee. All of it. There was never anything in moderation whenever she tried something. Her life always concentrated around something. If that something didn't come easily then her life circled around the obstacles she needed to overcome to get to that. She couldn't get coke without money, so her life circled around work, which circled around men and sex. Men like Eddy. Men like Eddy that change her life and give her new hope that there may be something better.
Eddy wasn't the better. He helped give her meaning to her life, but not through something he himself did. He helped to give her Lindsey. It had been a mistake, an accident, but now she refused to imagine her life any other way.
Looking back, through the chapters of your life
Searching for a storyline
Cuz any line is a good time for you
Living what the World's been writing for you
Cocaine cowgirl nobody knows
Cuz any line is a good time for you
Living what the world has written for you
Gypsy man nobody knows...
She got up and left the room, her steaming cup sitting alone on the table. She walked a
few laps around different blocks of labs, down different corridors. She waved to Archie, nodded to Bobby, and ignored David. She was looking for someone, but she had no idea who. She let her feet do the thinking as she continued to step. Five steps, ten steps,
twenty steps later she arrived. She knew then who she was looking for as she took the
twenty-first. Her ears tuned into the faint sound of a radio.
Cuz any line is a good time for you
Living what the world has written for you...
"Hey... Cat. Are you alright?" Sara asked, looking up from her desk. Catherine laughed slightly. She could only see a partial frown on Sara's face, as a pile of folders and paperwork blocked out the rest.
She smiled. "Fine."
"Have you heard this song before? " Sara smirked slightly, seeing Catherine's head bob along slightly to the tune.
"Yeah... I lived it."
There she goes again, finding something new for her life to revolve endlessly around.
This time, she didn't mind. This was worth being addicted to.
Cocaine cowgirl nobody knows...