Disclaimer: I don't own Inkheart. I didn't write it, either. I wish I owned Basta though ;)
A/N: Yeah…this probably won't be funny. But I was sitting there, thinking 'I'm going to get Inkspell tomorrow, and then I won't be able to write many more fanfics for Inkheart, I'll have to do Inkspell. So, why not start one that I'll be able to continue even after I read Inkspell? And so I decided to do a little summary of the whole book. It's meant to be funny. "Meant" being the key word. If I get but one laugh, I'll be happy. Really. I will.
This is slightly inspired by Carmane's hilarious "Why Not?" parody on Artemis Fowl. I'd read it if I were you. That is a fanfic that IS actually funny.
INKHEART: A SUMMARY
CHAPTER 1: A STRANGER IN THE NIGHT
Rain: I am fine and whispering, and apparently memorable.
Dog: I bark.
Meggie: I appear to have insomnia.
Book: I am under Meggie's pillow.
Mo: I am a little concerned that my daughter thinks books are talking to her.
Meggie: I am reading long after my bed time. I am also disobeying my father by hiding a box of matches in my bedside table, and using them to light candles.
Candles on windowsill: There are five of us.
Meggie: I am about to light a candle when I hear footsteps. Afraid that I may be caught disobeying my father and lighting a match, I blow it out and kneel by the window.
Description of Dustfinger: I am vague and uninformative, but manage to mention that the stranger is very wet, although he seems to be ignoring this fact.
Meggie: I consider alerting my father that there is a trespasser in our yard, but am too lazy to do anything about it.
Dustfinger: I turn my head.
Meggie: I am scared that a stranger who has come into my yard will see me in my own house, and go out into the corridor barefoot, with no consideration to the book I have now left on the floor.
The month of May: I am nearly over.
House: I am old and chilly.
Information about Meggie and Mo: I am taking up ink and paper space.
Dustfinger: It has been clarified that my presence in the yard is not a dream.
Book: I am bound in pale blue linen.
Meggie: There's someone in the yard!
Mo: I doubt my daughter's sincerity and give the reader the impression that I think she is slightly deluded.
Piles of books: We appear all over the house. A large paragraph is dedicated to describing us.
Mo: I further ridicule my daughter and imply I think her mentally unstable.
Meggie: I assume the figure is a burglar, which is a rather unfair accusation to make as I have no proof of
criminal activity.
Mo: I inform her that he is a visitor, and expect her to go back to bed after I have just informed her that there is a strange man here to see me.
Meggie: Once again, I disobey my father and follow him downstairs.
Mo: I open the door.
Meggie: I ponder whether "Dustfinger" is a name I've heard before.
Rucksack: A small furry thing is inside me.
Dustfinger: I prove myself to be illogical by wiping my wet face with an even wetter sleeve, and greet Mo with a name I'm certain his daughter has never heard before, determined to arouse her suspicions.
Conversation about Meggie: I have very little point but leave large mysteries to be solved later in the book.
Mo: I double-lock the door.
Description of Dustfinger: I am far more informative, and give AnimaticGirl the impression that Dustfinger is some kind of escaped convict.
Meggie: It appears I have a cushy life, and am not used to discipline. It also appears that I believe people can be "washed away" by a simple bit of rain.
Mo: I make a promise to my daughter that I cannot necessarily keep, then shut the door of her bedroom in her face.
Meggie: I am listening at the door.
China: I clink.
Meggie: I hope that Dustfinger gets pneumonia, then add that I do not wish him to die of it, as I would surely not be able to cope with the guilt if such a thing did happen, because I am twelve.
Notice on Mo's door: I say, in old-fashioned spindly lettering: Some books should be tasted, some devoured, but only a few should be chewed and digested thoroughly.
Dustfinger: My voice, apparently, is different from Mo's.
Mo: I have a nice voice.
Dustfinger: I assure Mo that someone here only referred to as "he" would do anything to get a certain book.
Mo: I reply that "he" can't have it because it's mine.
Dustfinger: I warn Mo that "he" is on his trail, but Mo ignores me. I then try a different tact and start to accuse him of not raising his daughter properly.
Mo: I ask Dustfinger for advice that I am clearly not going to take.
Dustfinger: I speak cryptically once more, leaving the reader in a sense of utter confusion.
AnimaticGirl: Realises how difficult it is to re-write dialogue.
Meggie: I do not know who Capricorn is, but am now aware that he thinks a lot of my fathers "talents".
AnimaticGirl: Is a little concerned by the sexual implications of this.
"His" men: We will get there soon.
Mo: I break my promise to my daughter by discreetly offering Dust finger a place to sleep. Once more, AnimaticGirl is worried about the true meaning of this request.
Dustfinger: I reply that the world is too fast for me.
Dustfinger's laugh: I am not happy.
Mo: I invite Dustfinger back for tea and biscuits with Meggie and I tomorrow.
Chairs: We scrape.
Meggie: I run back to bed.
Mo: I am terribly clever, and teach the reader's a neat trick when I ask Meggie to stick her foot out of bed to tell if she's been listening in on my conversation with Dustfinger.
AnimaticGirl: Would like to note that so far only Mo's and Capricorn's names have not appeared as being miss-spelt on the spellchecker, and would like to add that they may well be some of the only ones.
Mo: I have dark hair.
Meggie: I have fair hair, like my mother, whom I have only ever seen in photographs.
This section: Lets the reader know a little about the Folcharts, but other than that is rather pointless.
Meggie: I lie about not having heard anything, then give myself way by asking who Capricorn is.
Final paragraph of chapter: I am needlessly poetic, and once again leave many mysteries to be solved.
Another A/N: Yeah. Well, review to let me know if it's worth continuing. Please, because I don't want to waste my time with a fic no one likes. Anyway, looking forward to Inkspell, if anyone wants to talk about it email me from Tuesday, I should have finished it by then. I'm also interested in doing a collab with someone about the time acutally IN the Inkworld, so give me a buzz if you're interested in that. Yeah, I know, I've got to stop posting new fics and start updating my existing ones, but I can't help it. I've got chapters written for the others, and I will get them up. Promise. Sorry. Please review.