Three Years
Author: Kristin (tini243 at gmx.de)
Rating: none
Summary: After the disastrous wedding, Ross follows Emily to London, leaving behind a heartbroken Rachel.
Timeline: Rachel just came back from Greece and had already told Ross that she still loves him. AU from there.
Category: Romance, Drama, JR, a bit of CM
A/N: Thanks to Exintaris for super-speedy beta-reading. You're the best.
She thinks that nothing had ever hurt her like this does. Saying Good Bye to him. For God knows how long. Maybe forever.
"Ross, how can you let her do this to you?"
She wants to smile at Joey for asking this question – again, but she is too busy crying.
"Joey, we've been over this. She's my wife. I have to make that marriage work. And if it means taking that job in London, I will."
He says Good Bye to his sister and Chandler.
When he turns and heads for security, when they see him waving at them one last time, her knees give way under her. She's vaguely aware of being caught by something strong and warm, before the world turns black.
………
She wakes up looking into four concerned faces.
"Rachel, you scared the hell out of us."
She tries to smile bravely but fails again. It seems so pointless now.
………
Monica had obviously found a way to deal with the loss of her brother. She's doing laundry – a lot.
Her – she's doing nothing at all. Sitting at the big window, staring into nothingness, feeling numb.
"Hey Rach, how you doin'?"
She tries a smile but his eyes are telling her that it didn't work. Before the tears can start again, he's taking her in his arms. Warmth envelopes her like a blanket.
She wonders why she hadn't noticed how cold she was.
………
'Laundry? Huh? Is that my new nickname?'
'You know what your nickname is, Mr. Big…'
She thinks she might never have pressed a button on a phone so quickly.
Monica and Chandler.
It feels a bit weird. Good weird, like Ross would say.
She sighs. Ross again.
She wonders if he would find it good weird, too. Probably not.
Before depressing herself with thinking about him, she goes to find out what Joey knows about that.
………
"Why didn't you tell me?"
"They made me swear."
"So that's why they kissed at New Years? Why I had to kiss you and Phoebe had to kiss Gunther?"
He looks at her with an insecure smile.
"Was it really that awful?"
"Well, since Phoebe thinks about going out with him…"
"I didn't mean them. I meant us."
She snuggles a bit closer to him, seeking the comfort of his embrace that had become like a lifeline to her over the last months.
"No, it wasn't awful."
Biting her lip keeps her from saying she liked it.
………
It's the first time. And she just knows it has to be the last.
The first time that Chandler is spending the night with Monica, both knowing she's sleeping in the next room. Or at least trying to.
She's hoping Joey isn't doing the same thing with some girl, so she can sleep in Chandler's bed.
………
He's sitting on the lounger, tiredly watching some black and white movie.
His look is compassionate.
"They can be pretty loud."
"To say the least," she says dramatically and heads for Chandler's room.
"Good night, Rach."
She turns and sees him smile at her. She smiles back. Somehow she'd learned how to do that again.
"Good night, Joey."
………
"Pancakes?"
Her stomach growls at the smell of fresh pancakes and coffee.
"Sure. Thanks Joe."
They eat and they talk and she can't resist a question.
"Do you make breakfast for every girl that spends the night here?"
"Only for the ones I had no sex with."
His wide grin is infectious.
The question what she'd rather have pops unexpectedly into her head, taking her by surprise.
So does the tingling in her lower body.
………
She wonders if she'll ever sleep in her own bed again. It's like they're doing nothing else any more.
Worst thing is, hearing them is making her skin tingle and her body ache.
The tears in her eyes are from frustration this time. She realizes that she hadn't had any ever since Joshua.
More than six months ago.
………
The door to his room is open when she steps into the apartment and he is fast asleep.
She can't resist watching him.
With his arm possessively around Hugsy, his face completely relaxed, he looks as innocent as a little boy.
She wishes she could sleep so peacefully again some time.
He turns around and his blanket slips to the ground.
Her eyes widen at the sight and the rush of heat sweeping through her body is making her gasp.
He doesn't look like a little boy at all.
………
"What's the matter?"
His question startles her out of her brooding thoughts.
She can barely look at him any more. She can't touch him. It feels like going up in flames when she does.
She's thinking about sleeping with some guy to get it out of her system, but just the thought is revolting somehow.
He's expecting an answer.
"I don't know."
It's a lie.
She knows and she's asking herself if she should tell him. If he should know the truth, the reason for her keeping him at arm's length lately.
He looks as if he wants to say something. Then he sighs and shakes his head.
"All right."
After the door has closed behind him, she cries.
………
"Rach."
She hadn't even heard him coming in.
The glass she was holding shatters into a million of little shards on the hard kitchen floor.
The sight is almost too much to take. She'd broken it, just like she'd break everything else if she'll go with what her gut keeps insisting she should.
"What is up with you? Please, tell me."
She shakes her head with a shuddering sigh, tears blurring her sight.
"Monica is gonna hate me for breaking her glass."
He looks at her oddly.
"Monica is over at Chandler's, having sex. There's not much that worries her these days."
She presses her hand over her mouth and fights back tears.
He carefully steps over to her, picks her up and carries her away from the shards. They sit down on the couch and she curls together on his lap. He strokes her back and murmurs soothing words into her hair.
"I wish you'd tell me what's bothering you. Is it still about Ross?"
Not much right now, she muses and the thought almost makes her smile.
"No."
Maybe in a way, it is. Ross is one of the reasons everything is so complicated.
He keeps touching her and she allows herself to revel in the excitement this stirs up in her. She allows herself to stay close to the fire, to warm herself in its scorching heat.
She inhales his smell and only when she feels him going completely still does she realize that to a man with his experience, her arousal must be pretty evident.
She wants to wrench herself away from him, she wants to think of something to cover for her momentary weakness, but his arms tighten around her.
The thought that he finally knows is calming somehow. It gives her the serenity to pull back and look at him.
She finds him as turned on as she is. For some reason, she had never considered that he might want it too.
Her voice is raw, as if she had been screaming.
"Do you… need to think about it?" she asks.
His voice sounds hoarse, too and a little smile plays around his lips.
"Have you ever seen me think?"
He gently touches her face, traces her lips with his fingertips and when she tries to list the reasons why this shouldn't be happening, she's drawing blanks.
When he kisses her, nothing else matters any more.
………
It had been everything she'd always thought it would be. Even better.
The question whether or not it had been that way because it had been so long was quickly dismissed.
As she notices him getting restless in her bed, she braces herself for the inevitable.
"Do you want to go?"
He turns his head and looks at her steadily.
"No, I don't."
She suppresses a relieved sigh.
"Good."
She snuggles closer to him and closes her eyes, feeling so peaceful, sleep already tugs at her consciousness.
"I've gotta use the bathroom, though."
She laughs at his sheepish expression.
"You've got fifteen minutes."
He smiles widely.
"I'll be back in ten."
………
He had been back in seven and they hadn't spent much time apart ever since.
He made her laugh again, she could sleep again and she could feel again.
The past started to blur and became an indistinct shape.
Not that she looked back much.
Neither did he.
………
The fight they put up about having to move in together because Monica and Chandler wanted to live together was perfunctory at best.
They were glad nobody noticed.
………
They had made plans about how to tell them.
Forgetting to lock their door and having Monica and Phoebe barge into their apartment while she was bouncing up and down on Joey who sat on the lounger had not been in that plan at all.
After a few seconds of shocked and silent gaping, the girls left in a hurry, almost falling over each other.
………
There is a feeling of uneasiness about facing their friends after that. The silence between them is unbearable, awkward and uncomfortable.
Chandler knows now, too.
"You'll never give me grief again about always letting Monica be on top."
A slow grin spreads over Chandler's face after saying that.
"Okay."
It's all Joey manages before bursting out laughing.
They all do and she feels like her life is coming back together again.
If only…
………
For a while now, he'd been looking at her oddly every now and then. Thinking, contemplating something.
She decided not to push him to tell her, but she's feeling a bit of dread. She doesn't even want to think about losing him.
It's one of those times again.
He's leaning over her, looking at her face, tracing it's features with his fingertips, smiling a little enigmatic smile.
"I love you."
There is wonder in his voice, as if these words take him by surprise as much as her.
And then there is fear in his eyes, anxious anticipation.
Her heart is melting.
"I love you, too."
………
She barely believes that he had asked her.
Weird, commitment-phobic Chandler had asked Monica to marry him.
Then again, they had been happy for almost two years now. Ten months more than her and Joey.
She congratulates both of them, just as Joey does and Phoebe and Gunther.
After that, Joey steps behind her and puts his arms around her while she's watching Monica shouting her happiness from the balcony.
"Jealous?"
His whispered question reverberates through her and she finds herself nodding a bit.
He lifts his hand and turns her head to him, looking at her with a reassuring smile. She could swear she sees a promise in his eyes.
"Don't be."
………
Six months later, she finds Monica on her couch completely dissolved into tears, her fiancé in vain trying to comfort her.
"What is it, Monica?"
Chandler answers in Monica's stead.
"Ross isn't gonna come to the wedding. He says there is some important conference he has to be at."
"More important than his sister's wedding?"
Joey's tone is incredulous and a bit high pitched.
"Okay, which of us thinks that this is the true reason?"
The deafening silence is answer enough to Phoebe's question.
………
She thought the most problematic part of the rehearsal dinner would be the arrival of Chandler's parents.
But it was the arrival of Monica's brother that shocked everyone.
"Couldn't miss my sister's wedding, could I?"
He tries to act cool and breezy while everyone is staring at him.
"Thanks for realizing that in the nick of time."
Chandler seems extremely unfriendly. Joey scowls at Ross, too.
"Hi stranger," Phoebe chirps merrily and breaks the uncomfortable silence. "That's my not so new boyfriend, Gunther."
"Hey, you two. What a surprise!"
When it is her turn to be greeted, she feels like three years ago at the airport, on the verge of fainting.
"Hi Rach, you look… amazingly beautiful."
"Thanks," she croaks.
"Aren't you a little too married to make compliments like that?"
She throws a quick glance at Joey, trying to keep him from saying more things like that.
"Well, looks like I'm not gonna be married for long. Obviously, seeing my sister going into a marriage finally sealed the fate of mine."
She gapes at him.
"She wants to divorce you for this?"
"It was never working really good and this just was the breaking point. But… let's not talk about this. What's new in your life, Rachel?"
"Uh… nothing," she stutters helplessly.
"Oh, there are my parents. Sorry, Rach, talk to you later."
She feels stunned. Numb somehow.
Joey walks her to their places at the table.
"Nothing, huh?"
She feels how mad he is. How hurt.
"I'm sorry," she whispers. "I… wasn't thinking."
He grabs her hand under the table and squeezes it reassuringly.
She gives him a thankful smile.
"You'll tell him later?" he asks.
"Yeah."
………
To Monica's dismay, Ross seemed to be the star of her rehearsal dinner. Especially – of course – to her parents.
Rachel hadn't found the time yet to talk to Ross. Dread welled up scaldingly inside her at the very thought.
"Enjoying the party?"
She relaxes into the comforting touch of his hand on her back and rests her head against his chest.
"Now I do."
He smiles and leans down to kiss her, but just at that moment she sees Ross coming towards them.
She pulls away from Joey abruptly.
His expression darkens, but he says nothing.
"Hey, there you are, Rach."
Ross is beaming happily. It remains a mystery to her how he can shrug off three years of estrangement.
"I wanted to ask you for this dance," Ross says gallantly and bows a bit.
She looks at Joey who looks stoically right ahead.
"All right," she agrees, suddenly needing to get away from the pissed off man next to her.
She takes Ross's arm and starts to go when Ross turns to Joey with a grin.
"Gotta grab a spoon again."
………
She's feeling his gaze following her to the dance floor, she feels him watching them while she is dancing with Ross, when Ross pulls her close and starts telling some supposedly funny story from the three years he's worked in London.
She laughs sometimes to avoid the impression she isn't listening.
The dance is over and she still didn't take the chance to tell Ross about Joey.
She doesn't want to.
She knows things will get complicated and awkward and painful. She doesn't want to face that right now. She's so glad to have him back.
………
"Did you tell him?"
It's the first thing he'd said to her since they'd left.
"No."
He turns away from her with a dismissive snort.
"Joey, are you jealous?"
He shakes his head no but he can't look at her.
She touches his face and makes him.
"Don't be."
"Please tell him, Rach. It's not fair, to either of us."
………
Later that night, she presses her naked body against his. Wanting to leave the confusing emotions behind for a while, wanting to forget.
He pulls away and brings considerable distance between them.
"Do you still love him?"
She knows she owes him the truth.
"I think I always will."
He swallows hard and turns away. She gently touches his shoulder.
"But it's you I'm in love with now."
He slowly turns back and when he starts caressing her face, she sighs relieved. She knows she couldn't live without him touching her.
………
Monica notices her subdued attitude only after two hours of having her hair and make-up done.
"It's kinda hard, having him back, isn't it?"
"Joey wants me to tell him."
"He's right. It's bound to come out sooner rather than later."
"I know."
"Do you… know what you want? Or… who?"
"I want to be with Joey, but… I wish I didn't have to hurt Ross."
………
The wedding ceremony has her in tears. Joey's softly spoken words, the happiness on Chandler and Monica's faces. Everything seemed so perfect.
Everything but the fact that Ross keeps trying to be close to her, trying to talk to her. He's asking her to dance, he's constantly around her.
Joey catches her in private when she leaves the restroom.
"If he doesn't stop pawing you constantly, I'm gonna tell him."
"Joey, please. We didn't want to make a scene."
"You didn't. It's kinda hard for me seeing your ex-boyfriend having his hands all over you all the time."
"I thought he was your friend, too."
"I stopped being his friend the minute I kissed you."
His admission renders her speechless for a while. She'd never considered that his being with her was based on sacrificing a friendship.
………
As Ross asks her to dance with him, she declines.
"Ross, I am seeing someone."
He looks confused.
"But you said…"
"I know. It's not so… new."
"Who is it?"
"Can we please talk about this later?"
"You started it."
"I just want you to stop… trying."
………
"I wonder why he didn't talk to me about you."
"Why should he?"
"Well, you obviously told him."
"I told him that I'm… seeing someone."
"Someone?"
"I didn't want to make a scene."
She thinks that she might never forget how he looked at her after she'd said that.
"I'll take a cab and sleep in my apartment."
"I wanna come with you."
"You stay here and think about what you want."
He's out of the door before she can say anything else.
………
When the door flies open a few minutes later, she hopes it's him. Coming back to her, finally believing that she'd made a decision, even though she still hadn't told Ross.
But it's Ross.
He's in front of her with a few big steps.
His passionate kiss is both familiar and strange. It rekindles a memory, but no feelings.
"Please give me another chance, Rachel. I know I might not have deserved it, but I am so in love with you. Whomever you're seeing right now, he can't love you as much as I do."
He kisses her again.
She shoves him away, but when he lets her go, there is someone else in the room.
Joey.
He'd come back.
She's strangely happy about that until she realizes what he just saw.
"Looks like you know what you want."
"Joey, wait…"
………
"You are seeing Joey?"
The incredulity in Ross's voice turns her devastation to irritation.
"So what?"
"But he's… he's… he's Joey!"
"And?"
"Rach, there are a million guys out there who would give their right arm to be with you. Why him?"
"Because he's… everything you could wish for."
"But…"
"Ross… I love him."
"You… you do?"
"I do."
"But I thought… you loved me."
"You married another woman and vanished out of our lives for three years. What did you expect me to do? Wait around for you to reappear?"
"I didn't expect you to fall for my best friend."
"Well, if it helps, I didn't expect it either. But it happened and I'm really happy."
"He's making you happy?"
"He does… he did."
Her strength leaves her in a rush at the thought that it might be over. She collapses on the bed, crying.
………
Phoebe drags her out of her hotel room the next day, drives her home and shoves her into her apartment.
He sits on the lounger, looking like she feels.
"Ross told me what had happened."
Hope starts to claw its way through her depression.
"I love you," she says tonelessly.
He crushes her to him and she has to fight tears of relief and happiness when he says, "I love you, too."
………
The End
A/N: Hope you liked it. Please review.