Chapter 22 – With the Heart and Underwear of Fire
A/N: Well, I'm back. Exams are over, and I'm finally free to get on with everything. This is one epic chapter, so I hope you all enjoy it. Oh yeah, some of you didn't realize that Sasuke was in fact B Ranger. Lol. Sorry this took much longer than I expected, everyone!
"Boxer-sama!"
"Boxer-sama!"
"Boxer-sama!"
"BOXER-SAMA!"
His name rang in every direction: he was surrounded. Boxer-sama was either going to get beaten to a pulp by every male in Konoha, smothered to death by every female in Konoha, or have his boxers ripped off him by Team GBN. Needless to say, Boxer-sama did not find any of his outcomes desirable.
'I guess this is really it…' he thought to himself with a sigh. 'I wonder what heaven will be like… Endless supplies of ramen…? It couldn't be that bad!'
Just as Boxer-sama was accepting his imminent death, a loud explosion was heard as one of Konoha's walls was breached. Everyone turned to the destruction to see a gigantic, purple snake had rammed through the wall, hissing loudly. Riding on his head, was the infamous criminal from Konoha of the Sannin. Orochimaru had arrived. And behind him, an army of ninjas poured into Konoha, weapons readied as they surrounded the town's walls.
"I have come for the body of the most powerful ninja!" he announced. "A body of youth, of strength, of attractiveness!"
"You must be talking about me!" B Ranger said out aloud, stepping forward and facing Orochimaru.
"Ah! It's you! How I've longed for your body! I've desired it ever since I heard of your existence! Give me your body…"
"Never!"
"… Boxer-sama!"
An awkward silence ensued between B Ranger and Orochimaru. Slowly, steam could be seen erupting from B Ranger's head as he shook violently.
"D-Did you just call me…"
"Yes, Boxer-sama! Come to me!"
"Y-You did… You called me…" B Ranger removed his mask, revealing that he was in fact, Sasuke. Boxer-sama yelled out in stunned surprise.
"S-Sasuke!?! What the hell are you doing dressed like that!?!" Boxer-sama exclaimed, pointing at him.
Orochimaru, however, was wincing his eyes at Sasuke, thinking quietly. "Ah, hold on a moment! That's just Sasuke, my old, desired body." He rose his voice once again. "Sasuke-kun! I'm no longer interested in you! I want Boxer-sama! You're of no importance! So sorry about the mix-up!"
"B-Boxer-sama again…" Sasuke muttered as his fists clenched. "BOXER-SAMA AGAIN! IT'S ALWAYS BOXER-SAMA! DAMMIT, I'M OUT FOR REVENGE, I'M DAMN COOL, AND I'M STRONG AS HELL! AND HE JUST WANTS FREAKING NOODLES! HOW IS THIS RIGHT? HOW IS THIS FAIR? HOW?! HOW!?! HOW!?!?!??!?! HO- oof!"
Before Sasuke could continue his incessant wailing, he found himself K.O'd to the floor, Shikamaru standing behind him with a nostalgic two-by-four.
"Good call, Shikamaru," Chouji mentioned. However, Neji wasn't taking it well.
"DAMMIT, SASUKE'S GOT A POINT! WE SUPERIOR BEINGS WITH BLOODLINE LIMITS DESERVE THIS ATTENTION! THIS GUY RUNS AROUND IN BOXERS FOR CRYING OUT LOUD! THIS IS SO- oof!"
Neji was sent to the ground alongside Sasuke, with Shikamaru clutching his trusty piece of wood maliciously, panting in annoyance.
"Anyone ELSE want to bitch and moan? No? I didn't think so. Damn, you two are annoying…"
"AHEM!" Orochimaru coughed with obvious volume, returning attention to him. "As I was saying, I want your body, Boxer-sama!"
Boxer-sama looked up at Orochimaru sourly, who was dramatically stroking his hair, before dramatically reaching out to Boxer-sama as though he was going to pull him towards him, even though they were far, far away from one another.
"Give you my body? Hell no, you pedophilic freak!"
"Yes, struggle, Boxer-sama! I like it when my young prey struggles!"
Resisting the urge to vomit underneath his disguise, Boxer-sama looked around uncertainly. He was glad that the townspeople had taken their attention away from him, but now he was being chased by a pedophile with a huge, purple snake. (Excuse the very, very bad pun)
'Dammit, staying here will put everyone in danger… I better run!'
As he saw Orochimaru and his army prepare to charge in, he dashed away, bursting through the town gates, stopping to get Orochimaru's attention. He bared his behind at Orochimaru and his men, slapping it in mock seduction.
"Hey! If you want me, you're gonna have to catch me first!"
And with that, Boxer-sama leapt off into the forests, followed by the overwhelming troops of Orochimaru.
"Oh, I like them when they play hard-to-get. Ah, my big, purple snake! Are you getting as excited as I am? Or course you are!" he squealed, rubbing his wrinkled cheeks on his snake's head as they slithered after Boxer-sama.
"Where? Where is he?" The voice belonged to Tsunade, who had just arrived at the scene with Jiraiya as Orochimaru and his men disappeared into the forests. "Where the hell is Boxer-sama!? Somebody answer me now!"
"He went into the forest, Hokage-sama!" one of the townswomen explained. "Orochimaru and his ninjas showed up, and he said something about wanting Boxer-sama's body, the dirty old man!"
"He can't have it!" the women chorused. "It belongs to me!"
"No, it belongs to me!"
"Fools! He's mine!"
"Mine!"
As the women fought amongst each other, Jiraiya became suddenly very interested. As his hands began to join together to form a certain seal, Tsunade's hand reached out and firmly grabbed at Jiraiya's collar, pulling his face in front of hers.
"If you even think of using that mud-making jutsu on those women, I will personally send you to Hell," she whispered aggressively, cracking the knuckles of her free hand.
"… That sounds kinda hot…" Jiraiya said with a perverted smirk, which was promptly wiped off his face with Tsunade's fist.
"This is not the time for this! If Orochimaru and his followers are tailing Boxer-sama, and Boxer-sama's is really who you say he is, he's in serious danger!"
Boxer-sama dashed through the forest as fast as he could, but he could tell that Orochimaru and his men were easily keeping up, and were gaining fast. He bit his lip in anxiety.
"Dammit, Jiraiya! You said being Boxer-sama would be good for me! Explain how this is good, dammit!" he yelled in frustration. In his loss of concentration, his foot got caught in a rogue root, tripping him to the ground with a thud. He lay still for a moment, feeling the vibrations being made by the vast army on his trail. He sighed melancholically.
"… Who was I kidding anyway? Me? Recognized? Ha. All I've managed to do was attract all kinds of problems… Rabid fangirls… Bloodthirsty men…"
The vibrations were growing stronger.
"… And now it's a weird-looking pedophile that has a massive snake and a large-ass army. Just great."
Punching the dirt, he pushed himself up on his fists, climbing to his feet and dusting his shoulder.
"Dammit, I may not have the Kyuubi in me to help me out this time, but I'm not running anymore!"
Boxer-sama turned around and could already make out Orochimaru and his army. He stared at them, closing his eyes and taking a deep breath.
"You want my body? You'll have to kill me first!"
And as his eyes shot open, he grinned, his red eyes gleaming with determination.
"It sounds like there's fighting going on ahead of us!" Tsunade said as she and Jiraiya were dashing through the forest floor. "Could we be too late?"
Jiraiya, his face still red from Tsunade's previous attack, clicked his tongue in thought. "It probably depends on your definition on 'too late'. He's still alive from the sound of it. But even if we get there, not even the two of us together could beat an army that size. It looks like Orochimaru took Boxer-sama's prestige seriously."
A sound was heard, and the two stopped, bracing themselves for an enemy, but instead saw Gaara.
"Gaara? What are you doing out here?" Tsunade asked, hoping that Gaara wouldn't suddenly go mental and attack them. With Gaara, that was always a possibility.
"I've come… to help Boxer-sama. Nothing more." He added the last part as though he had read Tsunade's mind. "You two alone don't stand a chance."
"What's been happening at the village since we left? Have the villagers calmed down yet?" Jiraiya asked, lustfully remembering the young women tearing at each other's clothes.
Gaara looked at him with his stoic face.
"They are in panic," Gaara replied.
"Because of Boxer-sama?"
"… Among other things."
"What is wrong with you all? Can you not understand a man's need for freedom?"
N Ranger chased after the villagers while waving his arms frantically, preaching his love for unconstrained loins.
"Somebody make him stop running and flailing his arms!" one of them cried in despair. "This is so bad for the children! Think of the children!"
"Nothing can stop the breeze from refreshing me! Children must know now! They must realize how to achieve true power!"
"That's not true power! That's just wrong! PUT IT AWAY!"
As Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Gaara reached Boxer-sama, they were taken aback to see a massive battle between Orochimaru's troops and at least one hundred boxer-clad ninjas. And to Jiraiya's amazement, he was doing pretty well considering he no longer held the power of the Kyuubi, but he was still being overpowered.
'This doesn't make sense… He doesn't have the Kyuubi… But why can I feel so much power? It's similar to the Kyuubi too…'
"So how exactly can we stop all of Orochimaru's men?" Tsunade asked out loud. Gaara simply stepped forward, sand beginning to envelop around him.
"We attack."
Slowly but surely, Boxer-sama's clones were disappearing one after the other. Within moments, Boxer-sama was once again just one being, beaten and bruised and backed into a corner. However, just as his enemies were about to attack, a tidal wave of sand swept by, taking out many of the ninjas in one swoop.
"G-Gaara?!"
Gaara calmly walked over to Boxer-sama, standing between him and Orochimaru's army. Following him were Jiraiya and Tsunade, who had joined the line between Boxer-sama and Orochimaru.
"Boxer-sama… I know who you are, now." It was Tsunade. Hearing her say this made Boxer-sama gasp in surprise.
"W-What? How?"
"We'll leave the explanations to later. Let's finish things up here, first."
"Boxer-sama, you should stay back for awhile, you're hurt. We'll hold them off as much as we can, and you make a break for it as soon as there's an opening." After Jiraiya had explained the plan to him, the three of them attacked Orochimaru's men. Gaara began manipulating more waves of sand, and Jiraiya and Tsunade had summoned their trademark frog and slug to tackle Orochimaru himself.
"Run away, huh…" Boxer-sama said, gripping his injured arm tightly. "Sorry, old man. But I never run away."
Forcing his remaining energy into focus, he managed to barely create one more clone of himself. But he only needed one to use what he planned to use.
"It's time for everyone to see the new, super-awesome move I taught myself when the stupid hermit was supposed to be teaching me!"
And with that, Boxer-sama began strike his hand in quick succession at his clone, who was busy concentrating his chakra into a ball around itself.
As the battle raged on, Jiraiya, Tsunade, and Gaara were getting fatigued, and the outcome of the battle was becoming clear to them.
"Hey, Tsunade…" Jiraiya said, as the two stood on their summoned creatures. "Did I ever tell you you're totally hot?"
"J-Jiraiya," she panted. "This isn't the time for this!" She launched another attack at Orochimaru, but her slug's tackle was dodged easily.
"It could be…" Jiraiya whispered to himself, as he sent Gamabunta for a follow-up attack that also failed to make its mark.
"Too slow, you two!" Orochimaru mocked, licking his lips calmly. "Perhaps all that sitting around in your peaceful village is the reason for your sluggishness, eh, Tsunade?"
"Damn slug jokes…" she muttered. "Why the hell is it always the slug?! Nobody says anything about Jiraiya's damn ugly frog!"
"Frogs are cool," Jiraiya said with a weak grin.
As for Gaara, his sand shields were cracking, and his movements were growing slower as fatigue wore into him.
"Hey, Gaara, could you move out of the way a bit? Or more accurately, a lot."
Gaara meant only to pivot his head for a second to see what Naruto was on about, yet as he saw what Boxer-sama was holding, he felt his jaw drop.
Two Boxer-samas were standing behind him. However, what surprised Gaara was that one of them was encased in a large, blue sphere that was swishing violently like a rough day at sea.
"How do you like my new awesome move: the RasenMAN!" Boxer-sama exclaimed proudly as his clone disappeared, his sphere still steadily glued around him. "All that training on my own wasn't for nothing! Now then…"
Boxer-sama rolled forward, his sphere destroying the dirt around him as it touched it.
"Let me show you what this baby can do!"
In Gaara's eyes, it had looked as though Boxer-sama had become static, his image flickering. He realized it was because he had already begun moving, with such speed that his eyes couldn't follow. A sound similar to an explosion past his ear, and he shielded his face as dust and dirt was kicked up, along with a dozen ninjas. Boxer-sama was moving so quick that they couldn't react. As he felt Boxer-sama's energy, he realized the absence of the Kyuubi.
"How… Can you still possess so much power?"
Orochimaru soon had Tsunade and Jiraiya backed into a corner, their summoned creatures already defeated.
"Any last words before I destroy you?" Orochimaru asked menacingly.
"Yeah," Jiraiya said, looking up at him rebelliously. "Boobs. No wait… Tsunade's boobs."
Tsunade glared at him evilly.
"Don't make me kill you myself, frog-boy."
As Orochimaru was about to move in for the kill, Boxer-sama's explosive attack had reached him, and he barely saw the blue bullet as it rammed right into him, sending him flying off into the sky.
"You might've beaten me now, Boxer-sama! But I will have your body!"
As Boxer-sama came to a stop, his glowing ball slowly fading, he gave the flying Orochimaru his middle finger. "Stay away from me, freak!"
Jiraiya and Tsunade stood up, and turned to see the path of destruction left by Boxer-sama. Amongst the broken dirt and shattered trees were no less than one hundred bodies of K.O'd ninjas.
"That's… A good job there, Boxer-sama," Jiraiya said, before breaking out in laughter of relief. He tilted his head back and looked at the sky. "You did good, kid…" he whispered to himself. "Maybe I should've watched you train after all…"
Gaara arrived at their position shortly, and the four stood for a moment, frankly surprised they took care of everything on their own.
"So, Boxer-sama, I believe you owe us thanks…" Tsunade said to him impatiently. Boxer-sama just stood there, motionless. "… Hey, I said thank us, idiot!"
Gaara looked at Boxer-sama closely. "He… Is unconscious." As though to prove his point, he gave Boxer-sama a prod, and he slumped to the ground like a sack or rice.
"…Ah."
"Nngh… Where… What…"
As Boxer-sama slurred to consciousness, he felt his arms wrapped around two people, and his legs were dragging along the dirt. As he looked up, he saw that they had just reached Konoha gates.
"You're finally awake, eh?" Jiraiya's voice came from his right. He turned to his left to see Tsunade, noting both of them were pretty beat up. Gaara could be heard walking behind him, as unsocial as ever.
"… Did you see my new move, Jiraiya?" he said with a chuckle.
"Yeah, I saw it, alright," he replied. "I'm pretty amazed you pulled that off."
"Actually, so am I. I've only tried it once before, and uh… Let's just say I was unconscious for three days and forgot my name for a week."
"… You are such an idiot, kid."
As they entered Konoha, Boxer-sama saw that everyone in the village was there to greet them. He also noticed Sasuke and Neji knocked out on the floor, which perplexed him.
"Boxer-sama, did you beat the bad guys?"
"Is Orochimaru gone?"
Jiraiya answered their question.
"People, the legendary Boxer-sama has indeed defeated Orochimaru!"
Jiraiya wanted to continue, but Tsunade was eager to stop him.
"I actually have something more important than that right now, and that is… The identity of Boxer-sama."
Boxer-sama looked up at her, then at Jiraiya, pleading for him to do something.
"Boxer-sama has caused this village a lot of chaos, and I think it's time for this farce to end. I have actually been tipped off to Boxer-samas real identity. I intend to reveal it so that we can minimize any more disturbances within Konoha."
'I guess this is it…' Boxer-sama thought to himself. 'They probably won't like the truth though…'
"Boxer-sama is…"
The crowd gathered anxiously, moving closer.
'Here we go…'
"Umino Iruka."
Many 'EH's and "WOH's were heard from the crowd, but none were as loud as Boxer-sama's. He looked at Jiraiya again, who simply winked back at him.
"Could that be true?" someone in the crowd asked.
"Well, it would explain why Iruka-sensei isn't around right now… So that must be him! Everyone else in the village is here, so it's obvious!"
Meanwhile, in Jiraiya's hut…
"Dammit, Jiraiya, this isn't funny!" Iruka yelled, struggling to free himself from Jiraiya's expert 'bondage knots'.
"Get me out of here! It smells like an old man!"
Sakura and the other girls discussed their thoughts quietly.
"Well, I was kind of thinking of someone else… But now that I think about it, it couldn't possibly be who I though it would be!"
The girls all came to the same conclusion: that he couldn't possibly be who they thought he was.
"But wow, I mean, for Iruka-sensei to make his body smaller like that is pretty amazing," Ino said, rubbing her chin.
"And the red eyes, too," Tenten added.
"…" Hinata was quietly pondering to herself.
"I didn't know there was such a strong teacher here…" Temari contemplated. "And somehow… Boxer-sama isn't quite as attractive anymore… Boohoo…"
While the crowds were acknowledging Boxer-sama as Iruka, Gaara was quietly watching from atop a tree, feeling too cramped near the crowds. Someone had leapt onto the branch after him, and he turned to see Kyuu, who stood next to him with her smiling face.
"You are curious, aren't you?"
"…" Gaara didn't reply, his eyes only glancing at her.
"Naruto is a silly little boy that tries to have faith in himself, yet at the same time believes he is weak. I truly hated this boy, not just because he was my container, but also because of the frustration I was put through just watching him. When he tried looking for power, his first thought was that I, the Kyuubi, could give him power."
The crowds below were loudly cheering and clapping for Boxer-sama's success.
"I didn't really give him any power. He merely tapped into his own power. The red eyes, the fox-like features; they were all his own doing. He thought the power belonged to me, and so his power manifested in that way."
Gaara finally turned to face her.
"Naruto has a gift, and that gift is not me. He is merely strong in every meaning of the word. It's that simple."
Gaara turned away from her, looking back at Boxer-sama.
"Huuh…" Kyuu purred teasingly. "You're scheming something, aren't you?"
"… I do not agree with this outcome of events."
He was referring to Naruto's identity remaining secret.
"So it's agreed: Iruka-sensei's identity is not to leave this village!" Jiraiya had created a little deal that would allow Naruto to continue using his Boxer-sama identity.
'Well, I guess I'm still going to be Boxer-sama…' he thought to himself with a smile. 'Still, I wonder what would've happened if they found out the truth… Hahaha. I guess Boxer-sama's gonna be around for awhile!'
Or so he thought, until a sharp arrow of sand slashed past his face, ripping his mask to pieces. And as the shards of fabric floated to the ground, the face of Boxer-sama was revealed.
"…"
"…"
"…"
"Um… Surprise?"
"EHHHH!?!??!?"
THE END
A/N: I intended for you guys not to realize this would be the end, so I hope you were all surprised by this sudden ending. It pretty much happened because while writing this chapter I was wondering whether or not to continue the story. Frankly, I don't want to end up writing more only to wreck the plot I originally came up with, that is, the boxer shorts thing, and I don't know if I can top some of my other jokes anymore. So this is pretty much the end of the main story. Perhaps I should write something like an omake or something... Maybe if I can find something funny to write about.
Moving on, I hope you guys enjoyed reading this story as much as I did writing it. It's actually gone for a pretty long time to me... Or maybe that's just because I'd take too long to update... Thanks to everybody who read and reviewed me. I really enjoyed recieving any comments, as they always made my day. If you guys are going to review, feel free to throw some ideas for omakes at me, and I'll see if I can compile a final chapter with some little stories or something, or perhaps if there is a part of the plot that I should explain, just in case there's a plot hole somewhere... Anyway, thanks everyone!
-Diamond Avatar