Disclaimer: If Bleach were mine, I wouldn't be posting here, would I?
A/N: What you're reading now is the second, much improved version of chapter one. I owe Eve and Pei Yi and a couple of their minions love and favors for giving this story the strict beta it needed so long after it was first written and posted. I hope you all find it easier to read. (And yes, there really will be a sequel, one day, but this is a lot of crack to live up to. That's the problem with starting with your best idea.) Also, thanks so much to everyone who has left me feedback!
The Hunt for Tact in its Natural HabitatI. In Which Rukia's Delicate Flower of Womanhood Blooms, Ichigo is Generally Useless, and Orihime Saves the Day
Many among the great and varied Gods of Death would consider it an insult to their dignity to live in the closet of a human boy. Kuchiki Rukia was not one of them.
Rukia's dignity was quite unharmed, even when the usual rude awakening triggered her godly reflexes and caused her to sit up and crack her head on the shelf above her at full shinigami speed. Well – shinigami-in-gigai speed, at least, and that only when the stupid body was functioning properly.
Which, of course, it was not.
The malfunction woke her early, but not early enough. She was up before the Kurosaki morning chaos began, and so avoided a fresh head injury, but it was too late to sneak out Ichigo's window when she noticed the blood.
She knew what it was by the feel, a smear of sticky warmth on her thighs. For a moment she just lay there, frozen in confusion. Then she shook her head and sat up, whispering a minor demon arts incantation to call up a little light. It was the same light she used every morning, though she usually waited until she got to the more complicated parts of putting on human clothing. Now she used it to examine the problem area, and was not surprised to find a small, dark stain on her pajamas. She swore under her breath.
Rukia knew how to get blood out of clothes; Ichigo had shown her after her school uniform had gotten all bloodied by the Hollow with those disgusting exploding leeches. He'd washed her shirt in the bathroom sink while she sat on the toilet, healing the wounds she could reach. The ones she could not reach, Ichigo had already bandaged for her, so the healing did not require her full attention. As he scrubbed her shirt, she listened to him, alternately explaining about cold water and kinds of soap, and cursing her – for being stupid enough to get hurt, for being a girl and preventing him from just throwing her uniform in the wash with his own. So the stain did not concern her; nor did the blood itself.
What concerned her was that her body was bleeding – the evidence was right there on Yuzu's plaid pajama-bottoms – but Rukia had no wound she was aware of, and felt no pain. That meant the malfunction was probably compounded.
And that meant getting to Urahara's this morning, and letting the greedy bastard give her that full diagnostic he kept trying to sell her. It would be easier if she didn't have to explain this to Ichigo – she considered slipping out right then, making the run across town in her sleeping garments, but before she had even reached for the closet door she heard the bang of Ichigo's bedroom door being flung open. His father kicked off the violence with an over-enthusiastic "Goooooood morning!"
Rukia sighed, then reached for her uniform.
"Rukia! Breakfast!" Ichigo rapped on the closet door, not quite yelling. Rukia flung the door open with her sunny school-day smile already plastered on. Ichigo took a wary step back. "What's the hell's up with you?"
"What are you talking about?" She leaped past him and grabbed a rice ball off the plate he was holding. "Really, Ichigo, always assuming the worst is not good for a human's health."
Before he could even snap a reply about her worrying about his health, she was through the window and gone. Ichigo blinked at the open window for a moment, then shrugged and stuffed the other rice ball – whole – in his mouth.
"Wonderful news, Kuchiki-san! Your gigai is functioning perfectly! Even better than expected (and that is saying something). It is a wonderfully well-made gigai, you know," Urahara said, beaming.
She nearly let herself gape at him. But this was Urahara Kisuke; she could hardly be surprised by this behavior. "That is not good news, you dunderhead!" she snapped, glowering. She couldn't help another impatient tug at the robe he'd left her to wear while he analyzed the results of the decidedly unpleasant examination. "I just spent an obscene amount of credits, and now you tell me that not only can you not fix this body, you don't even know what's wrong."
Urahara's face fell. He gave every appearance of genuine distress – even his insufferable fan drooped. "I assure you, Kuchiki-san, the scan was well worth your money! Your problem is not with your gigai. It is synching up very well with your spiritual body. In fact…" his sly grin returned. "If I may, I would suggest you ask some of your human friends about your… difficulty."
Her eyes narrowed. "I do not have human friends."
"Oh no?" Rukia could have sworn his eyes glinted under the shadow of his hat. "I didn't think the boy was so possessive."
"I am a shinigami," she snapped. "I will take my clothes back now."
"Ah, Kuchiki-san's school uniform, of course!" Urahara bowed, fan pressed over his smirk, and backed out of the room. Ururu entered with Rukia's uniform a moment later, offering solemnly to help her put it on.
Rukia snatched her clothes out of the little girl's hands. Then she glared until Ururu left.
She made it to the school building shortly before lunch. As she made her way to her seat, she slipped him a note: Ichigo, I need to speak with you.
She spent the next twenty minutes reminding herself that a Kuchiki never fidgets, and glaring at Ichigo – who looked back at her once or twice with what-the-hell-is-your-problem-I-didn't-do-anything!-face – until the bell rang.
He got up and strode toward the classroom door without a glance at her. She made to follow, but two steps from the door was accosted by Inoue. "Is Kuchiki-san feeling all right? You came so late today!" She seized Rukia's arm and stared at her with wide-eyed concern. Rukia leaned back.
"Ah…"
"My Orihime is so compassionate!" That crazy pink-haired girl – Chizuru? – cried as the rest of the girls in the class swarmed up around them.
Ichigo paused in the doorway, glancing back at her and rolling his eyes. She shrugged, and he kept walking.
He was sitting alone in a corner of the roof when he heard her walk up behind him. He didn't look up from his lunch. "Are you going to tell me why you've been acting crazier than usual all day?"
She hmphed and sat down next to him. He watched her out of the corner of his eye, folding her arms and glaring into the distance. "Something is wrong with my gigai. Urahara was unable to fix it. He implied that the problem is something – something human."
He still didn't look at her, but he did stop chewing and frown. "What does that mean?"
She turned, focusing her glare on him. "How should I know!"
Sigh. Resume chewing. "Well, what's the problem with the gigai that you had to rush off to see Sandal-Hat this morning?"
"It's… bleeding."
"What?" He swallowed a mouthful of sandwich around the word. "Where?" He might have dropped his lunch in the leaning toward her and squinting that went with trying to spot the answer, her injury. But he didn't see any—
She pointed.
Down.
He felt all the blood drain from his face. "You – " was all he could get out before his voice choked and died.
"Ichigo! What is it?!" She bent forward, leaning on her hands and staring up into his face, eyes wide. "Am I dying?"
Ichigo couldn't answer. Or move. Oh, he knew what the problem was, but – but –
"Why is your face that color?"
He tried to make himself speak, but all that came out was a strangled grunt.
"Whatever it is, it can't be that bad." She frowned. Paused. Poked him in the head. "Ichigo! Should we go to your father? He is a doctor, right? Perhaps he'll know –"
His father! Ichigo had a sudden vision of Isshin, tears pouring down his face and flowers shining in the air behind him as he explained to Rukia all about the Delicate Flower of Womanhood and the Joy of its Blossoming and loudly congratulating her on this wondrous occasion… and then un-subtly nudging Ichigo to be careful now that –
Ichigo badly wished he were the kind of person who fainted. He was considering faking it when Rukia kicked him in the head.
"OWW." It was kind of scary how good he'd gotten at glaring at her while clutching his head. "What the fuck was that for?"
"Stop acting like YOU are the one who's dying, moron! Tell me what is wrong!" She towered over him, hands on her hips.
He cringed and definitely did not let go of his head. "Er… yeah. It's not… well, you're not dying, anyway, stupid. You just have to – er – come on." He got up and started walking back toward the door into the school. He ignored Chad and Keigo and Mizuiro, who all looked up as he passed. Rukia half-jogged to keep up.
"Where are we going?" she demanded.
"To find Tastu – crap. No. She'll be… Inoue. We've got to get Inoue alone, she won't realize how weird it is you don't know."
Rukia stopped walking. "I do not understand why you can't just tell me… or why you turn pink every time I ask!"
"It's a girl thing!" He snapped. "And I am not turning pink!"
They found Inoue outside. Ichigo was muttering to himself about how to get her away from Arisawa, but Rukia was fairly sure he wasn't actually coming up with anything, so she yelled, "Inoue-saaaan! Could you come over here for a minute?" When Inoue looked up, Rukia waved.
Beside her, Ichigo froze. Idiot boy. Inoue was getting up – for a moment it looked like Arisawa was going to get up with her, but Inoue, smiling, waved her back down, and trotted over.
"Oh, Kuchiki-san, Kurosaki-kun found you! You disappeared on the stairs! I thought you… Is everything okay?"
Ichigo said stiffly, "Ru– Kuchiki has her… has feminine problems."
Inoue frowned. "…Oh?"
Rukia could hear Ichigo grinding his teeth. "Could you help. Her. With. That?"
"I – I'll be happy to try! What do you need, Kuchiki-san?" She smiled uncertainly.
Ichigo didn't answer. He obviously hadn't yet decided to stop being useless. So Rukia said though her plastic smile, "I'm afraid I'm bleeding, Inoue-san."
Inoue's smile faded. "Oh no! Was Kuchiki-san in an accident? I don't have any bandages – "
"She's not injured, Inoue." Ichigo growled. He wasn't looking at them.
Inoue's brow furrowed slightly as she looked back and forth between Rukia and Ichigo. Then her expression cleared, and she clapped her hands in delight. "Oh! I see! Kuchiki-san needs a tampon!"
"A what?" said Rukia. But Ichigo said, "Yes." with a relieved huff. Inoue didn't seem to be listening anymore anyway.
"Here, I have one with my things!" she chirped, and ran back to the circle of girls where she'd been eating. A moment later she and came flying back, proudly brandishing a small white tube of paper.
"Ta-da! Plastic ultra-thin super absorbing capability!" She pumped the fist that held the… thing. "This is the Number 1 brand of tampon in Japan for teenage girls! The applicator is bright blue!"
She held it cupped in her palms, offering it to Rukia. Rukia eyed it skeptically. She didn't see what this thing had to do with her malfunction. She glanced at Ichigo for guidance, but he was even less helpful than he had been so far. Actually… he was looking a little, well, wobbly, and more purple now than pink. Perhaps when the problem with her gigai was sorted out she should have his father examine him.
Inoue was still offering the… tampon, smiling brightly. Rukia reached out to take it. "Ah… thank you, Inoue-san," she said. "Um…what do I do with it?"
"Huh?" Inoue blinked at her. "Oh – OH! Is this Kuchiki-san's first time getting her period?"
Period? What… she glanced at Ichigo again. His scowl had faded into a look of vague horror, which Rukia took as an indication that she was getting closer to the true source of the problem. "Yes?" she guessed.
"Congratulations, Kuchiki-san!"
Rukia gaped.
"You must be so excited to finally be joining the women of the world in this experience! You have passed the first initiation! Soon you will truly be one of us… and then you'll be introduced to the dark side of our power, so you should enjoy this glorious time while you can!"
"…power?"
Inoue grabbed Rukia's wrist. "Come with me to the girl's room, Kuchiki-san! I'll show you why tampons are human kind's greatest invention, and teach you the handshake!"
Rukia tried to remember to keep her grip on the tampon as Inoue dragged her toward the school building, chattering excitedly.
Ichigo thought – when he could think again – of hovering outside the girl's bathroom just in case, but he'd had enough of weird for today and it wasn't like he'd be able to do anything if Inoue decided to tell Rukia something crazy. When the bell rang, he went back to class and hoped they'd both return in one piece.
They weren't in the classroom when he got there, but he told himself that was to be expected.
Twenty-two minutes later he was clutching the edges of his desk and scowling at the clock.
He was halfway out of his seat on the twenty-seven minute mark when they walked in. He stared for a second, but they both looked relatively unscathed – though Rukia had the oddest look on her face. Well. At least she didn't look angry. He sank back into his chair and tried to make his fingers let go of his desk.
He was in hell. There was no fire and brimstone – oh no, that was far too easy! Hell was Rukia refusing to shut up about her bizarre new experience in the human world as he was forced to take her to the store to spend his money on… things… for her. He'd thought, for a moment, of killing himself – or her – but realized that neither plan would stop her from talking his ear off about her newly discovered traumas as a human woman.
"To think human females experience this every month. How absurd! I hope I am not stuck in this body so long that this happens again. It is quite uncomfortable." She did a little wriggle then, right there in the street, like she was trying to, to adjust something where things should not need to be adjusted. Ichigo dug his fists further into his pockets and walked on, glaring straight ahead.
She had snagged him as soon as school let out and demanded he take her to get supplies. "Apparently this isn't going to stop for a week. We need to prepare." He needed to prepare, all right. With earplugs.
"And I'm expected to just go about my life, bleeding. I have Hollows to fight! Not that I've never fought while leaking blood before, but this isn't even a proper wound. I am going to bleed for five days and I'm told it is nothing. Just 'wait it out,' this is what humans do."
He'd tried to give her money and send her to store on her own. She'd stared at the cash like it might bite before rolling her gaze up to him, looking like she suspected him of wanting the cash to bite her.
"Go to that large building with all the brightly and confusingly labeled foodstuffs on my own?" she said. "Do you want me to get lost and be unable to find you if a Hollow appears? And bleeding all the while!"
He'd protested. He'd pointed to a small drugstore and told her he'd wait right outside. Didn't help. All the time he'd been talking she'd been dragging him along by the jacket.
There was only one food store she'd ever actually been inside, a big one where they'd once chased a Hollow, and that was where she was headed. It was near the school, and also near practically every after-school hangout.
He pulled up his jacket collar, ducked his head, and followed her. He knew he should have brought a hat today.
As soon as they were inside, Rukia stopped and looked at him over her shoulder, face expectant. They were barely out of the doorway. He shoved her forward. She stomped on his foot.
"AGH – stop it, idiot, you're drawing attention!"
She glared. "I still don't see why you should be so sensitive all of a sudden, when this is apparently such a common thing."
"SHUT UP and come on." He started marching toward that aisle, hoping she was following. He didn't look back.
"What are we waiting for?" she said when he stopped at the head of the aisle.
"It's right down there. Go get what you need. I'll be over here." He positioned himself by a rack of paper towels and tried to look nonchalant.
"But how –"
"Just PICK something! It's not like I know anything about these things." He crossed his arms and turned his head away, but kept watching Rukia out of the corner of his eye. She drifted down the aisle, staring at the boxes and bundles lining the shelves. When she was out of his field of vision he turned to glare at the paper towels.
"Ichigo!" He almost brought down the whole rack. The rolls were still wobbling as he whipped his head around, scanning in both directions. Seeing no one, he bolted around the corner.
And jerked to a stop. He was distracted from his plan to cover her mouth this fucking second when he saw her sitting on the floor, surrounded by open boxes.
"WHAT THE FU—" he clamped his hands over his own mouth and darted over. "What the fuck are you doing?!" he hissed.
Rukia was calmly peering into the light blue box in her hand. "None of these boxes tells me whether it is the type of tampon Inoue showed me how to use to today. I'm looking for the blue, ah, thing. Blue applicator?"
He was not going to flail. He was not. "You idiot! You, you can't just open the boxes in the middle of the store!"
She looked up at him with her patented Even-Humans-Cannot-Be-That-Stupid-It-Must-Be-You expression. "How else am I supposed to know which box contains the correct product? All the labels are deceiving."
"What difference does it make? They're all the same! Just –"
"They are not at all the same! Look," she held up one of the boxes. He made himself look at it. "This one is 'cardboard' and 'super' and this," she picked up another, "is 'ultra-thin' and 'plastic,' like the tampon Inoue gave me, but it is 'lite,' and she said that for the first day or two I would need –"
"Okay! I get it!"
She was still going. "And no one even mentioned these 'sanitary pad' things, but –"
"RUKIA."
"…Ichigo."
"Just. Grab one of the multi-packs. There are multi-packs, right? With different kinds in one box? There. And let's GO."
"Fine." She shoved one of the boxes at him. He took it automatically. A moment later he realized what he was holding.
"Gah!" He tried to shove it back at her, but she was trying to stuff the boxes back onto the shelves. He held the box between two fingers, at arms' length, and grabbed Rukia's arm with his free hand. "Come on."
"If you're in such a rush, why don't you help me clean up, stupid?"
"I'm not gonna touch your – those – !" Breathe. "A-Anyway, you don't have to, there are people whose job it is to clean up these things."
She cast a skeptical eye over the pile of boxes still on the floor. "These things? Why would –"
"Not just these, moron." She was still staring back at the scattered feminine products. "Everything. The whole store. People come in and shove things around and change their mind about getting those chips when they're in the paper towel aisle so they put them down and the employees come around and put the chips back where they belong. Okay? That's their job."
"So the tampons –"
"Just. Come. On."
They got through the check-out without incident – Ichigo pretended not to notice the sympathetic look the kid working the register gave him when he paid – and out of the store.
Just in time to meet Keigo and Mizuiro coming out of a nearby arcade.
"Ichigooo! You've been out with Kuchiki-san and you didn't tell us? How cruel!" Keigo shouted. Ichigo was silent and scowled like he meant it. Which he did. Keigo turned to Rukia. "What have you been doing all this time? Did Ichigo buy something for the lovely Kuchiki-san? I had no idea he was –"
"I didn't buy her anything. I just came with her to pick something up, and now she has to go." He looked at Rukia. Hard.
She glared back. Then she smiled, which was worse, and turned to Keigo. "That's right, Asano-kun. I'm sorry, I do have get home quickly. I'll see you all tomorrow. Thank you for your help, Kurosaki-kun!" She waved and sauntered off, swinging her bag.
"Why would Kuchiki-san want to spend so much time with Ichigo? Why not me?" Keigo cried into his hands. Mizuiro patted his shoulder. Ichigo sighed.
Karin locked the bathroom to brush her teeth. She didn't always, but Ichigo and their father had been worse than usual tonight, and Yuzu had worn herself out trying to mediate. Karin just wanted to get the hell away from all of them, but she couldn't just lock Yuzu out of their room.
So Karin spent a few extra minutes in the company of her reflection, behind the (relative) safety of the locked bathroom door. Daddy rarely felt compelled to kick his way into the bathroom.
She was moving to sit on the edge of the tub when something caught her eye.
It was a tampon wrapper.
She stood back up, leaning over the trash. There was no doubt about it what it was. But when had Yuzu…
Karin wasn't particularly anxious to get her period – everything about it sounded unpleasant – and she had always kind of expected it was one thing Yuzu would actually get to first, but. They weren't even 11 yet!
And Yuzu hadn't even bothered to mention it to Karin! Probably afraid Karin would be jealous. But that was stupid. Karin didn't want her stupid period anyway. Especially now.
She turned away and spit a mouthful of toothpaste into the sink.
If Yuzu didn't want to tell her, that was just fine.
Yuzu stared into the small bathroom trashcan. It wasn't that she minded Karin being first. Yuzu had thought she was safe from having to worry about this, at least for another year or two, that was all. And she had thought Karin would tell her! Not that Karin had to tell her everything, but this was important. And it wasn't like Karin to hide important things.
Sometimes Yuzu got the feeling there was something going on in her family, just under the surface, something she was just barely missing, like the floaty blurs she saw that were solid and clear to Karin and Ichigo.
She was probably imagining things. She couldn't help worrying, though.
The tampon wrapper glared at her from where it lay, half-buried under a tissue.
Maybe Karin was embarrassed. It was very early, after all. Maybe she didn't want Yuzu to feel jealous, or to worry about her getting cramps. Maybe she would tell her soon.
In any case, Yuzu was sure Karin wouldn't want to hear Daddy's congratulatory speech, or see him crying because his little girl was growing up too fast. Yuzu would have to be careful when she emptied the bathroom trash tomorrow.
to be continued...