Bloodstained Spring Day
A/N: Here it is... The last and saddest chapter! There will be a sequel, I'm not sure when, though. I want to take a short break and work on the five other fanfictions that need attention. Anyway, thank you to all of you reviewers!
I don't own Rurouni Kenshin. (Siiiiiiigh...)
"It was too late for me to do anything about what Kaoru had already seen, far too late for me to give any sort of signal to the two of them to break the kiss. I'd just have to hope that I could convince her that it wasn't what she thought she'd seen; although I'm not proud of this, I've been told that I'm an excellent liar.
"She didn't look like she'd take any of it, though. Jealousy had a firm hold on her now, jealousy that was for something she didn't even have claim to in the first place.
"'What is this?' she asked in a small, cold voice. I could tell she was hurting, but that was no excuse for how cruel she was about to be.
"Kenshin and Sano had broken apart now, about three minutes too late, and they stared back at Kaoru.
"Kenshin, however, quickly turned his gaze to the ground. 'I'm sorry, Miss Kaoru. I... I...' He looked up at Sano pleadingly, silently begging the younger man to think of some excuse.
"Sano did arguably the worst possible thing. Wrapping his arms around Kenshin, he pulled the rurouni towards himself again and said, 'Sorry, Missy.'
"I winced, although Kaoru didn't see me; I stood behind her. That had been an awful thing to say, and a cruel thing to do, but defensible. I didn't know whether to go over and yell at Sano for doing something that stupid and worsening the situation, or congratulate him for actually standing up to Kaoru when she was so emotional and angry.
"'This isn't love,' she replied, using that same cold little girl's voice. 'This can't be love. Kenshin loves me. He loves women, not you, Sano. He's not like that, and if he is...' She choked back a sob, wiping furiously at her eyes and trying to stay strong.
"I went to put a comforting arm around her shoulders, but she shook me off, giving me an angry, tearful glare. I realized that I had no right to intrude here; this was her territory and hers alone. It was and would always be her inner battle to fight, that battle between a possessive love and a respectful love, a freeing love. There is a difference, girls, remember this. Whoever would possess you, doesn't love you; who would let you free, holds you in highest esteem.
"But Kaoru was inexperienced and young. I wouldn't have expected her to know much about love at all, being only several years older than you, Ayame. I would have pitied her, tried to help her sort herself out, if not for the next thing that came out of her mouth.
"'If he is...like that...' Another choked sob. 'He- he is no longer alive for me.'"
Suzume gasped in horror that her idol could ever have said something so cruel. Her eyes and mouth opened wide, and one hand flew to that small mouth in shock.
"No!" Suzume whispered. "No, Auntie Kaoru couldn't have said that! No, no, she's too nice. She didn't really say that, right, Auntie Megumi? That was just put in for empha... E-emph... Empha..." The girl looked up at Megumi helplessly.
"Emphasis," Megumi replied with a small smile. "And yes, Kaoru did actually say that. She isn't proud of how she acted back then– no one would be– but she knows, and I know, that she did indeed act that way. Now, if I may continue?" She looked down at the girls, who both nodded furiously.
"There was a collective gasp form all of us, it seemed, except for Kenshin. He was always so humble, always acting so lowly– or so it seemed to us then. Later, I realized that he had ceased to care for himself after he'd been trained to become a killing machine. I knew that he'd been taught to kill at all costs, even that of his own life.
"'Kenshin hung his head, his wounded body leaning against Sanosuke's also-wounded one. 'I am sorry, Miss Kaoru,' he said softly. 'I truly am. I do love you...' Her face lit up, and Kenshin took a deep breath. 'But as a sister and a friend. Miss Kaoru, you know that I would always die for you. I would put myself through the ultimate pain for you, for all of you.' He looked around at we who surrounded him. 'But Sanosuke...' Kenshin smiled sadly. 'Sanosuke has my heart, that he does. He is my everything, the reason that I'm still alive. Miss Kaoru, you have to truly live, and to do that, give me up. Let your dreams of us together go. I'm sorry, that I am, but I'm too old, I'm too ill...'
"Kenshin seemed to sag against his tall lover, but struggled back up, his eyes a mixture of pain and concentration. I moved to help him, concerned that he would strain himself, but he stopped me with an almost imperceptible shake of his head.
"'Miss Kaoru,' he murmured. 'These are my first steps as a man brought back from the grave, my first steps since being wounded so badly. They are for you.' He walked forward, slowly moving across the room to Kaoru, putting his arms out as if to hold her to him.
"He reached her after what seemed like an eternity. For Sano and myself, every step the redhead had taken had been a never-ending agony, a torture beyond anything either of us could imagine. The pain in Kenshin's face was etched so clearly, and we almost knew what was coming now, what would have to happen. Kenshin, in his utter kindness, would never have thought Kaoru to do what she did; he had too much faith in her. In a way, he really was her older sibling: blindly protecting her, blindly loving her, unable to see her faults behind the mask with which she covered them.
"Laying his hands on her shoulders, he leaned forward, about to kiss her on the forehead, about to show her that he still loved her, but not romantically, never romantically.
"She pushed him, and he fell backwards, such an expression of pain and betrayal on his face that it was enough to haunt my dreams for months afterwards. Kenshin never hit the ground, though. Sano was there, like he had been all those months ago at the Akabeko, holding Kenshin with his good arm and not letting the samurai fall.
"Kaoru blushed, both in embarrassment at what she'd just done, and anger. She turned on her heel and stomped out, slamming the sickroom door behind her. I'd have to seek her out later, have to try to make her see reason.
"There were more pressing matters at hand, however, not the least of which being the horrible condition that Sano had returned in. He was covered in blood, and so Kenshin was too; the two of them had had so much physical contact since the tall brunette returned. I knew that I had to treat Sano first– I didn't want him to get an infection, or lose any more blood– but there was no way that I'd be able to treat him in time to bring Kenshin to the bath house and help him wash up before his clothes were completely ruined.
"At that point, Yahiko burst in, a ball of curious, nosey energy. He'd heard the argument between Kaoru and I, no doubt, and ran in, looking for trouble, I think hoping for it. That was one of his great weaknesses; in fact, it still is. He's a strong young man, no doubt of that, but one day he has to pick a fight that he can't win. Sano had just picked one such fight, and that was with Death itself. Never try to fight it, my dears. It will catch us all in the end."
Megumi looked down to see the little girls that were like daughters to her staring up at her sadly. The doctor knew that they could tell how sad she was, and there was a rankling feeling of guilt growing in the back of her mind. She felt that she had no right to be so morbid with these girls, still so young, so naive; she said so.
Hugging the girls to her, Megumi continued. "I'm sorry. It's not my place to say things like that. I'm a doctor; my work is with life. Anyway, where were we? Yahiko? Right...
"I needed to talk to Sano privately, and by walking in, Yahiko had basically volunteered to take Kenshin to the bath and help him get all of the blood off himself. I never knew how much my redheaded friend hated having any type of grime on him until now, especially blood; it reminded him of the battlefields, of the past which he wished to escape. To him, mere dirt took on the symbolic meaning of the taint that he'd taken by killing so many, and just as he wanted to take that taint off of his soul, he also wanted to take the taint of dirt and dust off of his skin.
"'Yahiko?' I called, and the boy froze, looking like he'd been caught committing some crime. 'Come here.'
"The expression on his face was so nervous that I felt guilty just for calling his name, and the way he looked up at me– submissively!– was the one way I've never seen him look at anyone again. He started to mumble an apology for interrupting, but I shook my head, smiling in what I hoped was a reassuring way.
"'You're fine,' I whispered. 'All I need you to do is take Kenshin out to the bath and help him wash off. I have to bandage Sano up, and get to the bottom of something.'
"Yahiko nodded, happy that I wasn't angry with him and that he hadn't incurred any punishment, and led Kenshin out, supporting him. I worriedly wondered how Kaoru, in the emotional state she was in, was running the house without Kenshin there to calm her. Had she been hurting Yahiko? I doubted it, but still... She was unpredictable when her emotions ran high.
"I went to my medical kit and started to check out and bandage up Sano's wounds. My guesses had mostly been right; on his right side, he'd broken two ribs and bruised one. His left side was just as bad– his arm had been cut up horribly, almost as if by a sword or maybe a whip, and his eye was dark with a purple bruise and nearly swollen shut. I could put ice on that and the split lip, but that was all; thankfully, none of the bones around either the eye or the lip had been broken.
"I disinfected and bandaged everything that I could, found some old pillows in one corner of the room, and propped Sano up on one side of his and Kenshin's bed so that the tall man's right side and left arm were immobile. He yawned loudly, and I sympathized. In his place, I'd want to sleep too, hurt and tired as he was. Soon, he drifted off to sleep, but it was a restless, frightened sleep. I was afraid that he might hurt himself again just by the way he moved around, so fretfully and sadly.
"After about an hour, Yahiko returned with Kenshin. The boy had a pained look on his face, one that he was trying but failing to mask with a stoic expression. I helped him put Kenshin to bed, and I covered both of the sleeping men with blankets.
"Tonight, it seemed, they both were so tired that neither one would have nightmares and cry out in their sleep. Kenshin and Sano remained so haunted by their pasts that I wondered if they had to be this tired to actually drift off successfully.
"As I mused, I noticed that Yahiko was slipping out of the room silently; I called him back in. We had to talk, and this talk would be serious, nothing that I could say with others awake.
"'Yahiko!' I called softly, so as not to wake my two sleeping patients. 'We have to talk.' He returned, and we both sat on the edge of my makeshift bed.
"'What is it?' he asked, not looking at me. 'Did I do something wrong?' His voice wasn't as energetic as it had been weeks ago, before this whole thing happened.
"'No, that talk is for Kaoru, and maybe Sanosuke,' I replied. 'You are merely a mystery to me! Please, tell me if anyone– anyone in this house or outside of it– is hurting you. Yahiko, you're like a son to me, and all mothers have a responsibility to protect their own.'
"Yahiko looked at the floor. I noticed how his eyes were glistening wetly, filling with sad, pearly tears, and I worried for him; I'd told the truth. In fact, I'd always hoped, and still do now, dear girls, that I would come to be the mother he'd lost, and he would come to be the son I cannot have."
Megumi stopped, seeing the curious way that both of her young friends were staring at her. Children's stares always unnerved her slightly; they seemed to be able to stare for hours and never blink.
"You can't have...?" Ayame trailed off, wondering if she'd perhaps broached a sensitive topic.
Megumi smiled sadly. "No. I will never have children. I was...ill when I was younger." And that was all she would say on that topic.
The lady doctor continued her story. "It was about a minute, if not several, before Yahiko replied to my question. What he said shocked me deeply; had I been standing, I'd have needed to sit down.
"'Kaoru's-- she's– she's making me do some extra housework, that's all. I'm just tired.' And Yahiko gave one of those boyish, life-filled grins that he carries off so well; it was a lie.
"It hurt me to see that Yahiko would lie like that, even pretending to be happy to protect Kaoru. I'm fairly sure I knew what was happening here: Yahiko, the only one of we so-called 'Kenshin-gumi' left in the house besides Kaoru, had become the girl's whipping boy. Not literally, but I wondered when she would start hurting him.
"I was worried for Yahiko, but just as much so, if not more, for Kaoru. It had always been in her nature to be violent and impulsive, sometimes even clingy; she was really very like a small child. I could understand why, though: Kaoru's parents had died when she was young, and it was quite obvious that she'd want to go back to an age at which she was insulated by them both from the world around her.
"Getting back to the conversation, I decided to probe a little deeper. 'How much work, Yahiko? What chores? Who did these chores before they were added to your workload?' I hoped my voice was soothing and reassuring, helping him to come out of his ashamed silence and speak to me. I never could bear to see him, or either of you girls, hurt.
"'Oh, I can take it,' Yahiko said nonchalantly.
"Alarms went off for me, screaming that all was not right. Yahiko was obviously trying to seem tough for his own benefit and for that of Kaoru, but I saw through it.
"He knew I'd seen his over-exuberant mistake, and turned his head away and down. 'Kenshin's chores,' he whispered softly, ashamed. 'I'm– I'm sorry I lied, Megumi... I don't want you to– Please, please don't be angry with Kaoru! She hurts so much right now that I– I–' His small frame, just beginning to take on the musculature of a young man, was shaking with sobs. 'She's just like me! I lost what I loved... When I lost my mother, I became a pickpocket. I didn't care about anything! Please, just let her get over this on her own.'
"I didn't tell him of my suspicions, of my deep fears that Kaoru wouldn't come out of this on her own. She loved Kenshin as though he was life itself and she wasn't going to allow that to slip from her any time soon. Immature as she could be, Kaoru was also smart, and sometimes used that intelligence deviously. I worried that she might try to hurt Sano or split the newly-united lovers; if that happened, Kenshin's fate was sealed. Sano was the only thing keeping him alive.
"I sent Yahiko off to bed after hugging him reassuringly, and then retired to my own bed. I wouldn't sleep for hours yet. No, I spent that time thinking, working on a theory, as all doctors and scientists must invariably do. What I came up with astounded and unnerved me.
"Kaoru would have to choose between her want of Kenshin and her love of him. If she wanted him, she'd part him from Sano and the redhead would quickly die; if she loved him, she'd leave him in my and Sano's care.
"My final thought before sleep took me: It will be interesting to see how this dramatic tugging game plays out.
"I woke up next morning, at what I assumed was a fairly late hour as the sun was quite high in the sky. Kenshin was still asleep, but Sano was sitting, propped up on his pillows, staring ahead of him guiltily. He was thinking about why he'd left, I knew it; I also knew that I should talk to him now, while he was reflecting on it. He'd be more eager to talk about it at this point.
"Approaching him, I knelt beside him, and spoke. 'Sano,' my voice was soft, but determined. 'We should talk.'
"Sano winced, knowing what this conversation would be about. He felt horribly guilty for running out on Kenshin and what he'd done while he was missing; I could figure that out from the way he kept sighing and not meeting anyone's gaze.
"'Yeah,' he replied. 'We should.'
"'I need to know a few things. First, who hurt Kenshin? Second, why did you run out on us like that? Lastly, what happened while you were out there?'
"Sano looked at his knees as he heard the questions. After a while, he mumbled a single word: 'Gohae.'
"Now it was my turn to be embarrassed, and I was, a hot pink flush coming to my cheeks to show it. Kenshin had been telling me who hurt him when I asked. I'd had no right whatsoever to keep harassing him for information he'd already given, but, like a fool, I couldn't figure that out.
"'Gohae as in,' Sano paused to take a breath, 'as in the false battousai. He hurt Kenshin.'
"I nodded to show that I understood, and that I wanted him to continue, which he did: 'I left to find Gohae and kill him. He died, but there was...a fight.'
"Sano, although he was giving helpful information, was being very vague. 'You're ashamed that you killed him, aren't you?' I asked.
"He nodded, still not looking into my eyes, and I put a comforting hand on his non-wounded arm. He shook it off, though, and he told me later that he'd felt ashamed that someone as good as a doctor was trying to comfort someone as bad as he.
"I'll never know why Kenshin chose to wake up then, but he did, and in a panic. Violet eyes opened wide, glassy with sleep, tears, and illness, and the small rurouni looked over and clung to Sano as though the taller man might be pulled away at any moment.
"'Sano! Oh, Sano,' he said, 'I had the worst dream, that I did. I dreamt that you killed a man for my sake, that you hurt yourself for my sake! I'd never be able to forgive myself if–'
"He stopped when he saw the stricken look on Sano's face, felt the way Sano was half-heartedly rubbing the smaller man's back. As soon as he saw Kenshin peering into his eyes, Sano looked down, as much from shame as to try to hide what he'd done. The young man told me later that the shame was so great that it seemed to be gnawing at his soul, and he shuddered at its memory.
"The two words that came from Sano's mouth then, the two simple, small words, seemed so weighty. I had no doubt that Kenshin had already forgiven Sano not only for everything he'd already done in life but for everything he would do, but Kenshin was not as kind to himself. He always took other's wrongs and internalized them, blaming himself, just as Sano did with Kenshin's illness after– well, I'll speak of that when I come to it, and that's not for a while yet.
"'I did,' Sano whispered.
"Silence, as heavy and oppressive as a smothering woolen cloak, seemed to fall over the room. Kenshin stared, aghast, at his lover. Sano was still rubbing Kenshin's back, making small circles with the palm of his hand, but now it seemed to be more of a reflex than anything. I felt a dread building up in the pit of my stomach, the type of dread that springs from having no idea of what was coming next.
"'Why?' Kenshin asked. 'Gohae could have changed, that he could have. It wasn't necessary to kill him. We could have just given him over to the police!' He paused for breath, still leaning against Sano, although I got the feeling that Kenshin was vaguely angry with the taller man. 'And you're hurt. What if you'd been killed, Sanosuke? What if Gohae was as evil as you seemed to think, and he came after us relentlessly? I don't want you to die, Sano. No, I won't have someone else I love dying for my sake!'
"'I just wanted to protect you!' Sano replied. The tears that were coming to his eyes were present in his voice also. 'You're everything to me, Kenshin, you and this headband.' Sano touched his headband unconsciously, and then reached back down to hold Kenshin. 'The Sekihoutai is my past, and you're my present and future. I need you, please see that... I can't let you go unavenged!'
"Kenshin lifted up one hand, and stroked Sano's face tiredly. 'Please don't say that.' It was just a whisper, but it hurt Sano more deeply than Kenshin intended it to. 'I'm not worthy of being avenged. I just wanted to live peacefully, but chances are that I never will be allowed to.'
"Sano was angry with Kenshin, not because Kenshin had insulted Sano in any way, but because Kenshin seemed to care so little for his own life. It was quite typical for the dark-haired man with the fiery temper to be angry at someone for disregarding something he loved, but I'd never quite seen this before. I didn't want a fight, and I didn't want either of them stressing themselves out and becoming ill. In Kenshin's case– he already had an infection and all of his wounds to deal with– it could be deadly.
"'Come on,' Sano muttered angrily. 'Stop being so damned stupid!'
"'Kenshin looked up at Sano questioningly. He wasn't sure if he'd heard what he thought he did, and not being someone who was quick to jump to conclusions, he waited for Sano to get even angrier and repeat himself. That was one of his– Sano's– major weaknesses; the man allowed anger to cloud his judgement and take him over. He was similar to Kaou in that respect, except that Kaoru's anger was more of a childish anger, and Sano's anger was deadly and like a fire, burning away everything in its path.
"'Kenshin, you're being dumb.' Sano was going to repeat himself, just as Kenshin had thought. 'You know I had to go and kill Gohae! He deserved to suffer for what he did to you! Did you want to die? Did you want him to come around here and finish off what he'd started? It'd be real damned easy, huh– all of us people here, sitting around with such love for this suicidal man, we'd be great hostages! Yeah, he could kill eight birds with one stone... You know: you, me, Megumi, the Missy, Yahiko, Dr. Gensai, Ayame, Suzume! Are you that selfish? Would you sacrifice all of us just to keep your pretty hands clean?'
"There were tears in Kenshin's eyes as Sano berated him, tears that Kenshin couldn't let fall or else they'd show weakness. 'How do you even know that Gohae would have come back here? He only wanted to kill me, Sano. I'm the only one here that he's sworn vengeance upon, that I am.' Despite his efforts, Kenshin's voice shook as he spoke, showing how sad and tired the samurai was.
"Sano shook his head. It was obvious that he disagreed with everything Kenshin had said, and if it had been anyone but Kenshin, he'd have cut them off, but this time, he waited until Kenshin had finished to reply:
"'You know that road that leads directly to the dojo? That shortcut through the woods that goes to the fishing pond? That's where I found him, Kenshin. This is the only place he could have been going, and he would have killed everyone in his way or who'd ever gotten in his way. That's most of us here!' Sano was going to go too far, I knew it and I was right.
"'Couldn't you have just–'
"This time, the tall brunette did cut Kenshin off. 'No. No! Kenshin, what is wrong with you? Do you not understand what I'm trying to say? Is it not connecting? 'Cause if it's not, maybe you got hurt in more places than we all thought. Is your head okay, or are your true feelings coming to light? Did you ever really care about us, or was that just some act you were putting on so you wouldn't be lonely?'
"He really had gone too far this time. He'd hurt Kenshin, perhaps more than he could ever make up for, and I could see that in Kenshin's eyes. Before, they'd just carried a sadness in them that was never truly covered up by any positive emotion; now, his expression made me doubt whether or not the rurouni would ever smile again.
"Then, Kenshin did something that none of us had expected, a small action, to be sure, but weighted with so much significance. He moved back over to his side of the bed, out of Sano's grasp, and the tall man just let him go. I hoped that this romance, one of the only good things, in my opinion, to come out of the Meiji Revolution, wasn't over. It was hope for all of us, hope that both Kenshin and Sano might survive.
"Kenshin moved onto his side, burying his face in the pillows separating him and Sano, and spoke quietly. 'I thought you loved me, Sanosuke. I guess I was wrong, that I was. Maybe something was, as you said, not connecting.'
"Those pillows were wet with tears by the time night fell. Sano just laid on his back, staring off into space. He wanted to go to Kenshin, to take his lover in his arms, but pride was preventing him. It is an awful, stubborn thing to do, girls, not to show love to someone merely because they disagreed with you; awful, stubborn, and sometimes dangerous, as we all were about to see.
"It was still quite early in the night when Kenshin ceased to move. At first, I was happy; his shoulders weren't shaking, so perhaps he had stopped crying. Perhaps everything would be better from here on in. After a few seconds, though, I realized that this was not the case. He was still, completely still, and I ran to his side.
"Kenshin wasn't breathing. He appeared to have been struggling mightily to do so, to do anything so that he wouldn't die and leave important things left unsaid. I had to help him breathe again; I breathed into his mouth, and tried to make him exhale, which he did. He still wasn't breathing on his own, though, so I repeated what I'd done, several more times.
"After what felt like an eternity, he was breathing on his own again, albeit very shallowly. As sad as it made me, I feared that Kenshin wouldn't survive the night; it would have to be another sleepless vigil for me, ending either happily or tragically as the sun came up. I was never as nervous to see the sun as I was that night, but also never as happy as when it came up the next morning.
"I realized, after little more than half the night had passed, that Sano had sat up and was watching Kenshin as closely as I was, and with a tender, sad look in his eyes. 'If there's anything you want to say, say it now,' I told him. 'I don't know if he's going to live to see the sunrise.'
"Sano choked back a sob as I said that. He was ashamed of how angry he'd been at Kenshin; perhaps another time would have been better for such an argument, but not this time. No, not while Kenshin was sad and ill.
"Moving closer to Kenshin and taking the older man's small, almost childlike hands in his own, Sano began to speak. 'Kenshin,' he whispered lovingly in the redhead's ear. 'Kenshin, I'm sorry. I was an ass to treat you like that, and I know that doesn't even come close to describing how shabbily I treated you. I love you, like that's any type of excuse, I really, really do. It makes me furious when anyone hurts you, and that's why I...did what I did. Please get better– no, please live. I know you might never recover, I know you told me that, but you were doing so well! I'll take anything, as long as I can be with you and have you know that I love you. I'm sorry, Kenshin! I'm really, really sorry and I'd die for you! I know that's why you sacrificed yourself, for all of us here, but I couldn't see that and– Damn it! Kenshin, if you die on me, I'll die too, so please come back. I know that my death would make you feel guilty, but I can't help it!' Sano was sobbing now, his tears wetting his good arm that he'd rested on his knees, which he'd drawn up to his chest. 'Please...'
"Kenshin didn't wake up right then, girls, if that's what you were expecting. No, that wouldn't happen for many hours yet, and only after a lot of crying and pleading. I myself think that Kenshin was lost within his own conscience; having gone there to investigate a matter of the heart, he awoke older, more dangerous tragedies and guilts that had been quite undisturbed for a while. However, when the sun rose that morning, shining in on the unconscious form of Kenshin and the dozing form of Sano, who was curled around his lover, I could have sworn that Kenshin looked happier than he had the night before. Not only this, but when I went to feel his hand, it was warm and felt living, and his breathing was stronger. Inwardly, I rejoiced, feeling very hopeful that Kenshin would live.
"Yahiko came into the sickroom several times, but I don't remember anything important that was said between us that time. I did, however, enlist him to watch over Kenshin while I took short naps. I assumed, and still do, that nothing miraculous happened while I slept, or else Yahiko's excited shouting would have awakened not only me, but anyone else in the house.
"Sano slept all day, worn out both by his injuries and his emotional strain. He didn't toss and turn like he had some times before, and I was glad– had he hurt his ribs, or irritated that one very cut up arm, it would have been awful. All in all, the day was quite uneventful, a quiet spot in the midst of a storm that tells you it's almost over.
"But when I describe that day, I'm saying nothing of the night. The sun went down, and several hours later, Sano woke up. There was a panic-stricken expression on his face as he looked around for Kenshin, and he didn't appear to calm down until he'd felt the rurouni, made sure the elfin-looking man wasn't just that: some spirit, some fragment of a dream that he'd loved too much to let go. Sano was rested, though, and we continued our vigil. Sano continued to lay next to Kenshin, but he wrapped his whole body around the smaller man, preventing him from catching cold. The nights were still chilly, remember; we still needed several blankets and, if possible, the warmth of a companion.
"As the morning drew near, I was beginning to lose hope that Kenshin would wake up. Was that just his body lying there? Had his soul already left us? We would find out shortly that it hadn't, but I was, for the time being, quite nervous.
"It was dawn, the birth of a new day, when Kenshin came back to us. He said later that the sun had guided him home, that the first rays of light illuminating the sadness on our faces had convinced him that his place truly was with us. Whether this was true, I didn't know then, and still don't know. I do know that when Kenshin awoke, the storm of which I spoke earlier seemed to have passed.
"On that day, the sun had barely come up when I noticed that Kenshin's eyelashes were fluttering, his eyes trying to open in a body that didn't want to cooperate. I stopped whatever movement I'd been making– walking, I think, to the door so that I could get some hot tea to replace the tea that had gotten cold overnight– and went to Kenshin's side. Sano was there, as he already had been, supporting Kenshin; caressing his cheeks, which were now thin and hollow, stroking the rurouni's scar. There was a flash of lavender, now another, now a longer one. Kenshin was going to win, he was going to live. I went to hold his hand, lending him my strength if he needed it.
"And then, those eyes stayed open. The purple hadn't faded; those eyes were the one thing still lively in that face. When Kenshin's red hair had grown pale, despite frequent washing and brushing, I'd thought that it would be the end of his fiery, persistent personality. I was wrong. His eyes held the power now, and those eyes would never fade.
"Sano laughed softly to himself, overcome with happiness, but stopped at the first suggestion of a sound coming from Kenshin's mouth. The tall, brash man would have to be very polite to Kenshin for a while, trying to make up for his rude words. Despite Kenshin's emphatic reassurances of the contrary, Sano felt that he'd been unduly cruel to his redheaded lover.
"Kenshin's lips barely moved as he tried to speak, and I knew that he was still either too tired or too ill to have good control over his body yet. 'S-s-s... Ssssss-ss-ssss... Ssss-saaaa? Saaaaa?'
Kenshin knew somehow that his lips and tongue weren't cooperating with him to form his lover's name. His eyes became bright with tears and he turned his head away, ashamed.
"It was a new and uncomfortable indignity for Kenshin to be so completely taken care of by others. When he'd been conscious, he'd at least helped me to take care of himself; he never allowed me to help bathe him, for instance, and when he'd been unconscious, he hadn't been awake to see and feel the indignity of being treated like a newborn baby. Kenshin would remain debilitated like this for about a month, getting significantly better each day. Others would have given up, faced with such illness and pain as Kenshin was, for with rehabilitation always comes pain. I would hear him screaming as he tried to do exercises to rebuild the muscles in his torso, which had been nearly ruined when he was attacked. I ran to him so many times, only to have him deny that he was in pain, deny that he needed me. It hurt to watch that skeletally thin man, who looked so pained already, continually push himself too far. And it angered me that Sano was just standing by, watching.
"'He needs to do this, Megumi,' Sano replied when I yelled at him one day. 'He feels that it's essential, that it's a penance for being such a burden or for being indirectly responsible for Gohae's death or something. I don't know. But I do know that all this pain is bringing back our old Kenshin. It's as if he's waking up, you know?'
"As surprised as I was, Sano was right. Kenshin seemed to have a noticeable brightness about him after two weeks, that hadn't been there for a long time. He seemed to be coming back to life, to be filling with his original color. After a month, he was well on the road to recovery. He wasn't fully recovered yet, nor would he be for a long time yet, but it was a start. And after two months, Sano's wounds had mostly healed, and we could walk together around the dojo and the town again.
"Our first sight upon leaving the sickroom was Yahiko running toward us, aiming for Sano. Smiling at us, at me especially, Sano used the arm that Gohae had wounded to pick up Yahiko and swing the boy around. Thank you, Megumi, his eyes said. I'm normal now. I'm myself.
"You two were there as well, girls, and you were laughing to see Kenshin alive and walking. He was able to pick you both up with a little effort, and you squealed and clapped your hands. Your grandfather– Doctor Gensai– told me that if I could heal a wound as bad as Kenshin's, I was a better doctor than him. Several townspeople were there as well; the news of their hero and friend being ill had concerned them greatly. Even Katsu was there with Hiko, who clapped Kenshin on the back and whispered in his former student's ear that he was proud of him.
"But there was one missing. And even as I noticed her absence, even as I was wondering where she was, Kaoru came walking slowly in, head bowed with shame. There were tears in her eyes, and I knew that she was miserable over how she'd been acting toward Kenshin. The lovely, bright kimono she was wearing seemed somehow to intensify that shame; perhaps it brought out the bright blush on her face, or perhaps it made her so noticeable to everyone else in the room that they all greeted her. I could tell that she didn't want that. No, her quick, darting movements and ducked head said. No, I'm not this sweet person you think that I am. I'm cruel, undeserving.
"She began to pick up speed when she saw Kenshin, running towards him and reaching him, looping her arms around his neck. She buried her face in his shirt until the shirt was wet with tears, and then she looked up, still crying.
"'Kenshin,' Kaoru whispered. 'Oh, Kenshin... I'm so sorry. I can never make up for what I did to you and Sano, just please...' She paused, sobbing, and Kenshin held her tighter. 'Please don't leave! I don't love you as I did when I said all of those stupid things. I'll let you live here, I want you to live here! I know you have every right to hate me, but...'
"He hugged Kaoru to him and patted her back, which was heaving with sobs. 'No, Miss Kaoru. I have no right to hate you, that I don't. Didn't you hear me all that time ago? I love you, that's right. You're the younger sister I never had. You've pushed me to go farther when everything was crashing down around us. Do you think I don't love you for that? Sano is my heart and my soul, Miss Kaoru, but you're the reason I'm here at this dojo, that you are, and I'd be honored to call you my sister just as I call Sano my lover.'
"And then, Kenshin leaned forward and gave Kaoru a chaste kiss on top of her head. It wasn't what she'd been hoping for, true; it wasn't romance, it wasn't marriage, but it was kinship, something that she'd needed for much longer.
"After that day, things seemed much better. Kenshin continued to recover, but I won't bore you with the minor events and trivial details of that. It was, in fact, a winter day the next year, almost spring, when I made a tragic discovery.
"Kenshin had recovered almost fully. He was supposed to be back to his normal self in the summer, which was only several months away at this point. I was checking him over, but not because Kenshin came to me himself. No, he was still in love with Sano, and Sano had practically dragged his redheaded lover to me, saying that Kenshin had a bit of a fever, asking if everything would be alright.
"While Sano waited outside, I felt Kenshin's forehead. There was indeed a warmth there, but there was also a hot blush on his cheeks. He was embarrassed over something. When I moved down to Kenshin's chest, I saw that he was not embarrassed, but scared and ashamed.
"Kenshin had something that had spread over his chest and back, something that looked like an open wound but wasn't. I, myself, am of the opinion that his guilt for all the lives he'd taken was eating him up from the inside, destroying the body that it had polluted for so long. I was terrified at the sight of it, terrified because it looked so painful and so deadly.
"My hand accidentally brushed against an unaffected portion of his back, and Kenshin gave an involuntary gasp of pain. If this was causing him such hurt over most of his body, I didn't know how he was able to let Sano caress and hug him as he did almost constantly now. I looked up and saw that my friend was shaking with agony, trying to keep his screams within himself. I wanted to hold Kenshin, to rub his back if he needed to cry on my shoulder, but I could not. Instead, I just squeezed one hand, and he tried to smile. It was terribly sad; for Kenshin, even the kindest or most loving touch became a torture worse than the blade of an enemy.
"'How long?' I asked softly, not trusting myself to say anymore; I felt sure that the tears preparing to build up in my eyes would spill over.
"'Kenshin sighed. 'A long time, Megumi. A long, long time.'
"'Does Sano know yet?'
"Kenshin shook his head and looked down, ashamed.
"'Your wounds have almost healed,' I said gently. 'He's going to want to make love to you sometime, and yours is a difficult illness to hide.'
"'Please, Megumi, don't tell him,' Kenshin whispered, and looked away.
"'But what about...'
"Kenshin shook his head, smiling sadly, and I knew then what he meant. I was too afraid to acknowledge it as the truth, though, too afraid that even after all of this intermingled heartbreak and happiness, he would still die.
"'Please,' he whispered again. 'Please, Megumi, don't. I'm almost healed, and that's all he needs to know.'
"Kenshin seemed intent on this deception, so I nodded. I felt guilty for deceiving Sano as we were doing, but Kenshin would rather have his lover happy and hopeful that constantly wondering when Kenshin's heart would stop.
"He seemed to be improving over the next few months, though he and I knew the truth. Several times, I saw him gazing sadly at Sano when the tall man wouldn't see it, and several times, I saw Kenshin wince whenever anyone touched him on his back, his chest, or now his stomach. It was heartbreaking, seeing Sano's happiness and knowing that it could all fall apart at any moment.
"Then, one day in spring, Sano and Kenshin were sitting together in the front yard of the dojo, looking at the sakura trees and watching the passers-by. Kenshin loved these happy, tranquil moments; movement was beginning to be painful for him, now, and he preferred the ache of sitting on Sano's lap and snuggling into him to the pain of running or jumping. The sun was out, and the sky was a cloudless blue, though it wasn't oppressively hot.
"Kenshin turned his face up so that he was looking at Sano. 'Sano, I think I'm all healed now, that I do.'
"Sano gave a happy little gasp and crushed Kenshin to him, showering the older man with exuberant kisses. Kenshin's eyes looked pained, but he was determined to hold it in for a while, for just a little longer.
"'I'm a little bit tired, though. Do you mind if I sleep?'
"Sano nodded. Kenshin murmured an 'I love you' and rested his head on Sano's chest. His breathing slowly calmed, growing softer and softer. Sano didn't even register this; he just saw Kenshin smiling and looking so peaceful. Only after Kenshin's breathing had stopped did Sano let out a cry, and it was full of heartbreak and sadness.
"'Kenshin!' he sobbed, trying to call his lover back to him. 'Kenshin!' And then he saw Kenshin's happy, peaceful face, and whispered, 'Kenshin...? You're happy now, aren't you?'
"I came running to Sano's side after I heard his screams. I had suspected that Kenshin would die far before his time, but not this soon. It would never have been soon enough, I realized later. In my selfishness, I would have kept him there for myself, though he was in pain, though his body was deteriorating.
"Sano was holding Kenshin to himself, smiling up at me through a flood of tears that poured down his face and landed on the redhead. Kenshin looked so serene; I thought that he might wake up at any moment, but no. This sleep was forever, this sleep would be the calm, dreamless one he'd always longed for.
"'He just said...' Sano choked out between sobs. 'He just said...he was gonna go to sleep. That's all. He- he didn't even say he was sick or anything. Kenshin's- h-h-he's just gone, Megumi. He left me here.'
"I turned my head away so that Sano wouldn't see the shame in my eyes, wouldn't find anywhere the lie that I'd helped Kenshin tell. Tears slipped from my face and landed in the grass beneath me, but I stood up and steeled myself to go and tell Kaoru. It was my penance; to tell the news of Kenshin's death would be to cut myself again and again with our loss of him, and I felt that I deserved it.
"Kenshin was buried the next day, right beneath the sakura tree where he'd been found, badly injured, exactly one year ago. The sadness was immense, and it hung over us like a dark fog despite the beautiful weather. Kenshin had been released from all of his guilt and pain, but he'd left so much behind for all of us to bear. The sakuras floated down, covering the simple grave, making a nice bed for Sano, who spent the night lying by the grave. He said later that Kenshin had spoken to him in a dream and told him not to be so sad. He said that and then went to the sickroom where he and Kenshin had confessed their love, and sank down on their bed, sobbing.
"Sano went to his grave little more than a month later. We buried him beside Kenshin, and the sakura tree that grew over their graves is the most beautiful sapling I've ever seen. In the end, it turned out that Kenshin was Sano's sun, moon, and stars, or perhaps something even more precious, something without which Sano couldn't live. Perhaps he'd been Sano's strength for longer than they'd been together in love. And that was years ago, my dears. And their story has ended."
Megumi looked down at the two girls. Even Ayame, who swore that she never cried, had big tears coursing down her cheeks; Suzume had long ago buried her face in Megumi's bosom and cried, her tears wetting the delicate kimono. She patted the girls gently, trying to reassure them and feeling horrible for saddening them like this.
A figure appeared in the doorway leading into the main rooms from a small bedroom off to the side. He was gaunt and pale, with long black hair that reached the middle of his back. It was apparent that he hadn't cut that shining hair for years, but its silkiness and the light blue of his kimono served to give him an almost ethereal look. Suzume let out a small cry upon seeing him, and hid her face on Megumi's shoulder, thinking that this man had to be a ghost.
The only bright color on him was the green headband he wore. Once, this man had dressed all in bright colors; once, his life had been close to normal, close to happy. Once, he hadn't been the last of the Sekihoutai.
"Ah, Katsu," Megumi said in a voice that reflected her sadness at the sight of this shadow of his former self. "I was just telling the girls about Sano and Kenshin."
He nodded, and a bitter smile crossed his face. "Yeah. Sano... Bastard had to leave me alone to die here. Didn't even have the decency to wait it out with me." A mirthless chuckle. "Just decided to leave me here, caring for Hiko, and Hiko's gone. I'm the last one of the Sekihoutai, Megumi. I'm the last one of that infamous group, and the world won't even know when I die. Saito's on his way out, I heard... That'd be it, now, wouldn't it? That would be ironic if I outlived the man that wanted to kill me. The last of the noble samurai, and he's dying. Our era's ending." Katsu coughed into a handkerchief, red blood spattering the clean white cloth. "We're all dying, all killing each other off, and I'm not even thirty. I'm going to die, and I've lived maybe a little over half as long as my lover did."
Megumi shot Katsu a worried look, and shooed the girls out. He'd been coughing blood more and more often lately; his tuberculosis seemed to worsen as he became more and more depressed. She helped her sometimes-friend back to the bed she was letting him sleep in, and decided to go to the dojo. Sano and Kenshin's graves had gone unvisited by the doctor for nearly a month, and she felt the need to go back there and "speak" to them again. In a way, Megumi was really able to talk to them; Sano and Kenshin had become the air, the grass, the trees, the sakura blossoms that covered the ground like pink snow. She slipped on her shoes, and left.
The next day, Ayame and Suzume hurried back to Megumi's home. They looked in the main room, but she wasn't there, nor was she in the yard. The girls began to worry, fearing that she'd gotten into some sort of trouble or that someone in the close-knit village was seriously ill. Their fears were allayed, however, when they saw the lady doctor walking up the road towards them.
"Auntie Megumi!" The girls ran to greet her, but stopped when they saw her tear-streaked face. "Auntie Megumi...?"
"Katsu got his wish," she replied sadly. "He got his wish by about a minute, or so I heard. I told him Saito was dead, and Katsu just closed his eyes and said he was going home... Some friends just helped me bury him alongside Hiko."
Ayame and Suzume looked up, tears in their eyes, and each took one of Megumi's hands. They walked back toward the house together, sadness shielding them from the bright sun.
"Well," Megumi said after a minute, "why don't we see if there isn't another story to be told?"
Sorry this took so long! I'm in four honors classes, plus some art classes and a chem class (there is no honors chem), so I was pretty swamped... Also, this chapter's longer than the others. I hope you liked this!