disclaimer: I own only the plot
A/N: I've been working on this for awhile. But now that it is done, and now that I have handed in my senior paper, I can fully concentrate on finishing My Father's Crown, and possible a sequel called ummm maybe "The House of Ishida".
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Tai and Agumon were halfway through Lokimon's cave when they heard the small explosion, followed by a horrible chorus of screams. He and Agumon looked at each other for a moment, fear lighting up their eyes, and then their weary legs began turning as they raced back the way they had come. They tripped and stumbled as they ran, not being able to take the time to carefully navigate the cave's uneven rock floor, but they ran on heedlessly.
To Tai, it seemed like they had been running for hours when they finally reached the bend where they had left the other members of their little expedition. But they finally did, and Tai felt his heart scream in his chest as he saw the gigantic pile of rocks covering the spot where he had last seen his friends standing. He rushed over and frantically began digging at the pile. "Sora!!" he called, his voice cracking horribly. "Kari!! Anybody!!" His heart beat wildly as a cold dread seeped through his veins. Hot, pulsing tears came pouring from his eyes.
Beside him Agumon was struggling to move a rock larger than he was. Painful, sorrowful whimpering coming from the back of his reptile throat.
"Somebody please answer me!!" Tai screamed again, his words trembled with panic. In a mindless desperation he moved to the other side of the pile, as if thinking that a change of position was all that was nessecary to be able to save everyone. He kept clawing at the unforgiving rock with his now bloody hands, but he was so tired from everything that had happened in the past two days. And suddenly his body seemed to just give up, and he collasped on the pile sobbing like a child.
"Tai?..." The voice came from just beneath Tai's face. But is was so strained and weak, like the earth and rock were trying to swallow it up.
"Matt!?" Tai pushed himself up immediately, a small glimmer of hope reappeared in his heart "Are you okay? Is everyone else......" the last words caught in his throat.
"There are some pockets of space." Matt's voice came back, seemingly weaker than before. "Mimi's by me, but.... but..... she's not moving.... I ca-can't tell about anyone else, and-and I'm hurt real bad, Tai... You-you have to have Agumon digivolve and get us out of here."
Tai gave a tearful nod, it frightened him the way his friend's voice sounded so scared, more scared than he thought Matt was capable of being. "Okay Matt," he whispered back, trying to make his voice sound reasuring. "We'll get you out." He turned to his digimon partner, who waited expectantly for the order to digivolve, and opened his mouth in preparation to yell with all his might.
But suddenly, a loud metallic buzzing echoed from the bowels of the cave, from the direction they had just come from. The buzzing brought with it a a horrible thought that floored Tai, and stole the breath from his lungs. "Oh no..." he moaned softly with a voice full of despair.
"Tai..." Matt's voice spoke out again from the tomb of rock, now no more than a dying plead "Tai, y-you have to hurry.... Th-there's a lot of blood."
"Tai..." Agumon whined mournfully.
Tai felt sick. Part of him was screaming out in a painful rage, asking how he could even think of abandoning those he loved. But another part of him stood uncaring and unmoved, as hard and silent as the rocks that had buried his friends. The two sides of Tai fought for control of him, one trying to make him feel, the other trying to make him numb to all feeling. It was hopeless fight, one no part of him was capable of ever winning in the end. But for the moment, there emerged a victor..... Tai felt his heart and soul grow cold, and all at once the tears stopped flowing from his dull brown eyes.
"Matt, listen to me." Tai leaned down close to the rocks that covered his friend. His voice was even now, betraying almost no emotion at all. "Right before Wargreymon destroyed Lokimon, he claimed that he had a digital virus bomb hidden in his lair, a bomb powerful enough to destroy everything.... Matt, the bomb's about to go off and I have to stop it."
"What!!" Matt screamed as loud as he could. "Tai, Lokimon was crazy!! You can't possibly believe what he said while he was being deleted!!"
"Matt...."
"You can't leave us here!"
"I'm sorry Matt... Sorry for everything."
"Tai you bastard, we're your friends! You can't leave us to die!"
"I'm sorry....."
And Tai turned and ran. Matt's pitiful, pleading screams echoing in his ears.
====================================
seven years later
Tai woke up with a gasp and drenched in a chilling sweat, his eyes were wide with fright and sorrow, and for a few moments he looked around wildly for the source of the voices haunting his memory. Eventually he gained back a little more control, and simply sat there holding his head in his trembling hands, trying to calm his madly thumping heart.
He was in his apartment, in his bed, and not back in those damned caves. And he repeated these comforting facts to himself over and over again in his head.
He had gone almost a year without being afraid to fall asleep, and then two weeks ago the nightmares had come back even stronger than before. The one that had just awakened him was not all that bad in comparison to the others. He usually woke up screaming, and then ran to the toilet to vomit.
Tai sat for a few minutes more, trying to get the fear and anguish to drain from his heart. It never completely did, but Tai had grown acustomed to living with most of it. He sighed woefully and glanced over at the blinking digital clock on his nightstand. It was five in the morning, two hours before he had set the alarm to wake him up. But there was no way he could even think of trying to go back to sleep, it just was not worth the dreams. He got out of bed and stretched a little bit, then leaned over and picked up a crumpled piece of paper from his nightstand.
H. TAKAISHI
RM. M-649
Tai remembered the night before when he had been on the phone getting the information. His voice had shaken so much that the nurse on the other end of the line had asked if he was all right. And even now, just looking at the letters on the paper made his throat tighten up with guilt and shame.
Part of him said that he deserved it. He deserved to feel an unbearable amout of fear and self-loathing whenever he dared to think of those he had abandoned. And that same part told him that those six that he had left in the rubble would just as soon spit in his face than look at him. But another part of him desperately needed to be forgiven. Desperately needed for him to get down on his knees, and beg for mercy while he cried his eyes out. For seven years, those two opposing parts had torn at him, and it had gotten to the point where he just could not stand it anymore.
So three hours later he was standing across the street from the hospital. It was a pristine white building, new and efficient looking. And inside it held the full spectrum of life; from birth to death and everything in between.
Tai began to sweat, and his hands began shaking uncontrolably. His feet felt like the were made of lead, but somehow he managed to the first step off the curb, and then another, and another until he was inside the off-white and tan halls of the hospital. But then he had to duck into the nearest bathroom and throw up. "I'm sorry." he whispered to the inside of the porcelin bowl. His whole body was shaking now, and he felt so weak and pitiful that he laid down on the dirty tiled floor and cried.
When would it ever be enough? He wondered. When would the ghosts hanging over him decide that he had suffered enough? When would he ever be able to go back to his friends, his family, and be a part of them again?
========================================
seven years before
Lokimon had disabled all contact between the two worlds as he was being destroyed. But thankfully, the smartest of the Digidestined; Izzy, Ken, and Yolei, along with Davis and Cody, had all been back in the normal world when it happened. They had worked nonstop for two days before finally opening up a portal to get their friends home, but it was a long walk off, especially considering the slow pace they were forced to take.
Tai turned around to look at those following him. Immediately behind him walked Agumon. The little reptile looked at the ground mournfully as he walked, his clawed feet dragging in the dirt.
About fifteen yards farther back TK was carrying Kari in his arms, while Gatomon and Patamon slept fitfully on his shoulders. The boy's head and right side of his face were wrapped in bandages, leaving only the top of his blonde hair, and only one stark blue eye exposed to the world. There was a slowly spreading circle of red on the bandage over his right eye, indicating that the wound had opened up again. TK walked slowly, his lack of depth preception made it very easy to stumble, and he would not dare to risk a fall with such precious, fragile cargo in his arms.
Kari had her arms wrapped loosely around TK's neck, and her head rested on his chest. She stared off into the horrizon and listened to the soothing rythm of his heartbeat. Her soft brown hair hung limply on her fever flushed forehead. A thin blanket was wrapped tightly around her frail legs.
Tai's heart ached as he looked at them. When they had set out from their makeshift camp he had made a move to carry Kari, but TK had not left her side in two days, and the boy had lifted her gently off the ground and just started walking. Kari had responded by wrapping her thin arms around him and tenderly nuzzling his neck before settling down in his arms. The loving scene had hit Tai's heart like a sharp blow. Whether they meant to or not, they had made their point; their brothers were gone to them in one way or another, and they would protect each other now.
A few more yards behind them; Joe, Biyomon, and Gomamon were helping Sora slowly feel her way along. Joe had bruises and scratches all over his face and arms, and one of the lenses in his glasses was cracked, but other then that he was okay. He was staring at Tai with a vacant, empty look of one whose world had just been blown apart.
Sora seemed to shiver lightly with fear as she clung to Joe and Biyomon. She had a thick bandage wrapped around her eyes, and her feet shuffled along the ground cautiously, searching instinctively for anything that might trip her up.
Tai could only look at Sora for a few seconds before guilt and shame made him turn away. More than anything else in the world he wanted to run to Sora and hold her. He wanted to kiss her darling face and bury his crying eyes in her soft auburn hair. He wanted to hear her say she loved him, and that everything would be okay. But Tai knew that would not happen, so he merely stared out ahead and kept walking.
=================================
Tai was not sure how he finally managed to get off the bathroom floor, but he did. And taking deep breaths, he managed to get on the elevator and ride it six floors up. But when the doors opened with a cheerful ding, he suddenly felt sick again and almost did not get off. But through an immense force of will he did. And slowly he walked up to the reception desk where a young looking nurse was bent over a few clipboards full of charts.
She looked up as he approached and flashed him a pleasant smile. "May I help you?" she asked.
"Ah, y-y-yes." Tai stammered. "I-I-I." Rather than struggling any further to get the words out, he merely handed the nurse the piece of paper he carried in his pocket.
The young nurse glanced at it, and her face immediately lit up with genuine delight. "Oh, their room is just right around that corner, third on the right." she told Tai with a blushing smile. "All of us here in the unit have kinda fallen in love with them. They're such a special family."
The words made Tai's heart ache, but he gave a small smile of agreement and walked around the corner the nurse had indicated. He turned and just stood for a second, his eyes focusing on the open door that stood third to the right. Unlike the other doors, it had a variety of colorful ballons, posters, and cards adorning the door frame and the wall beside it. The sight made Tai wince with the knowledge of how much he had missed over seven years, but a deep longing inside would not let him miss this. He crept softly to the edge of the door and peeked in.
Kari was asleep in the hospital bed, her mouth open in a happy pout. Her long, soft hair fanned out on the white pillow like a golden brown halo around her head. There was a wheelchair at the foot of the bed, and by the huge number of stickers, patches, and drawings on it, Tai could tell that it was Kari's own and not a hospital issue. Beside her in a chair, TK sat rocking their daughter gently to sleep. His face was full of joy and contentment. There was a sharp scar that ran from just above his right eyebrow to just below the line of his nose. And if you looked close enough, you could see that his right eye was not quite the same shade of deep blue as his left. It was hard to reproduce exact coloration in glass.
To Tai it seemed like the room was surrounded by an aura of purity and goodness, like it was someplace someone like him, whose soul was stained with remorse and guilt, would not be allowed to enter. He started to turn and leave, but at that same moment TK looked up and saw him.
"Tai?" he called, his voice was not as surprised as Tai would have thought.
"H-hey TK." he answered back. He slowly moved until he was standing entirely in front of the door.
TK studied him for a a few moments, his head cocked to the side in a habit he had developed to help his peripheral vision. The look on the young man's face was impossible to read, and Tai did not know if he would welcomed in or thrown out. But then a small smile appeared on TK's face. "Kari said you would be coming. I don't really know why, but I believed her." He got up and moved towards Tai, the precious bundle still cradled in his arms.
"This is Madeline."
Despite himself, Tai felt his heart soar a little for the first time in seven years, and he smiled with awe as he beheld the beautiful creature before him. Her head was topped with shiny brown hair, and her eyes were a clear, magical blue. She studied Tai curiously for a moment before yawning and nestling down in her father's arms to sleep.
"She's beautiful."
TK gave a smile that said he agreed with all his heart. "Would you like to hold her?"
"N-no." Tai took a reflexive step back. Inside his heart he believed he did not deserve such an honor. "N-not right now."
TK nodded with a somewhat sad smile. He leaned down and gave his daughter a soft kiss on the forehead, then gently put her down in the bassinet next to his chair.
Tai took a tentative step towards the Kari's sleeping form. He had forgotton just how much his little sister looked like an angel. "Is she doing okay?" he asked TK in a voice edged with concern.
"She's been sleeping a lot the past two days." TK answered. He bent down to brush a few stray hairs away from the face of his sleeping wife. "The birth was hard on her. T-there were a few really bad moments." the young man winced as he thought about how close he had come to losing his wife and child. "But we got through it all right." He leaned over and gently kissed Kari's cheek.
Tai just stood there and looked at the little family. He could see why people would want to care for them, there was something about them that inspired joy and hope, even in Tai's guilt ridden heart.
"Why did you come back now Tai, after all these years?"
The words were sudden and unexpected. They griped Tai's heart like a vice, and squeezed out any hope that he may have gained. He looked up at TK, expecting to see the young man glaring at him with hate and accusations, but instead he was shocked to find that TK's expression was etched with just a look of deepest hurt.
"I couldn't stand myself," he answered, the look on TK's face forcing him to tell everything. "I almost couldn't live with myself knowing what I had done. And the only thing I knew for sure was that I hated myself and that everybody I cared about hated me too. A-and I came back now because I just couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand being alone. And I needed to find out once for all, if there was ever any chance of being forgiven, being loved again." the words poured up from the center of Tai's moaning heart, leaving him open for, and maybe even welcoming, the cruelest blow of all.
"Kari could never hate you, Tai." TK's words trembled a little with the threat of tears. "She could be angry at you, maybe even a little afraid of you for a while. But you're her brother and she loves you, she forgave you right away, forgave you for everything.... And every day for seven years she's wished for you to come back."
Tai's heart jumped at the words, but he still needed to know more. "Do you hate me?" he asked.
"I did for a little while." the young man looked down at the floor in shame. "I loved Matt, and I miss him so much." TK looked back up and there were tears rolling down his cheeks. "But after a while I remembered that I had another brother that I loved, but he was gone too."
It was then that the full meaning of what he had done hit him. He had left TK and Kari alone, forcing them to grow up too fast, with too many hardships. He looked at TK and saw the wounded young boy who had taken the weight of the world on his shoulders seven years before. All because of what he had done. The stinging truth cut through Tai's heart like a hot knife, and something made him move forward and throw his arms around TK, trying to show the young man that he would not run away now, that he would help to bear the load on his shoulders.
"Promise me something, Tai." TK spoke out in a stern, almost angry voice, even as he hugged Tai back. "Swear to me that if I forgive you now, then you won't leave again. Kari needs you..... Your niece needs you..... I need you."
"I swear to God, I won't leave again." Tai responed immediately. He clutched TK tighter.
"There's a new drug coming on the market soon." TK spoke as they finally broke apart. "The docs are going to start Kari on it when she gets her strength back.... It might help her gain back some strength in her spine, maybe let her walk a little bit."
"I'll be there with you," Tai responded earnestly. "I'll always be there from now on." it was what Tai had dreamed of for seven long, dark years, to able to help those he loved, and to be loved back. "But right now I have to go... I want to go talk to everybody else."
TK gave a thin smile that was both joyful and sad. "Of course." he answered, with a slight wince that Tai did not quite catch. "I'll let you talk to Kari yourself when she wakes up."
Tai could not stop smiling as he went out the door and down the hall. It felt like a sharp thorn had been pulled from his heart, like he had finally been granted a ray of light to lead him out of the darkness. He had been both dreading and wishing for that moment for so long, that to have it happen filled him with an amazing amount of energy, and the childish belief that everything ahead would go just as well.
But as he rounded the corner, he heard a sound that drove the energy from him as suddenly as a bolt of lightning. It was the sound of hollow plastic tapping along the tiled floor. At once Tai's chest began to tighten as he turned towards the noise, and saw her.
Sora was still so beautiful, even in a faded T-shirt and worn out jeans. Her auburn hair flashed a red gold as it hung about her shoulders. Her gentle face still looked as if it had never borne the burden of a frown. And her cinnamon eyes seemed to radiate with warmth and compassion. She walked with a confident gait, sure in her abilities to read the hall with her cane.
Tai reflexively pressed himself up against the wall, holding his breath, and trying to keep his heart from beating. He realized suddenly that he was not ready to face her again, not now.
Sora continued walking towards him, her mouth taking on the beginnings of a smile at the thought of holding her goddaughter. And Tai was almost positive that she would continue to walk on unaware of his presence. But just as she reached his side she stopped, and Tai could see her muscles tense as if touched by a pair of unfriendly hands. Her eyes filtered back and forth, as if searching for something in their private darkness. She almost took another step forward, but some universal force held her in place. And then she swallowed hard and spoke out.
"What are you doing here, Tai?" it was the same musical voice that had echoed in his head for the past seven years. But the tone was distant, even cold, a tone that Sora had never used towards anyone she cared about. Just seeing her, and hearing her speak to him like that was enough to keep Tai in a stunned silence.
"Don't pretend you're not there, Tai!" Sora snapped when he did not answer. "I can smell your shampoo, the same kind you've used since you were a child." the words seemed to affect Sora even as she spoke them, for the corners of her eyes winced.
Tai felt his heart and shoulders slump. "Hello Sora." he said softly.
She now turned towards him with a guarded expression on her face. If Tai had not known better he would have sworn he felt her narrowed eyes probing him inside and out. "What are you doing here?" she asked bluntly. "For that matter, what makes you think you even have the right to come here?" she added in an ice cold tone.
Hearing Sora say that to him hurt more than anything Tai had ever felt. His eyes blurred with tears, and his heart felt ripped apart. "I-I just wanted to them, to see everyone. I-I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
"Sorry!?" Sora sneered, her face beginning to glow red with rage. "After all this time you just think you can waltz back here and say you're sorry, and that will heal everything?!" she clenched her fists and turned away, too angry and disgusted with him to even face his direction. "The guilt must be tearing you apart for you to come back, because if you honestly cared about Kari, or TK, or me, then you never would have left."
"No, Sora I-." Tai tried to protest. He step a step towards her, but she heard it and took another step back.
"You're sorry." Sora said almost mockingly, but she turned back to him and tears were running down her cheeks. "There, you've said it. Now leave, crawl back to wherever you've been hiding."
"Sora..." Tai implored, his own tears flowing unhindered. "Please, believe me that I'm truly sorry for everything I've done, everything I've missed. And I want to come back."
Sora winced, and gritted her teeth in anger. "I know TK and Kari will forgive you if they haven't already. They're both so gentle that it almost makes me sick sometimes." she started to continue, but her body was suddenly racked by a violent sob. She turned away from him, ashamed to let him see how much he had hurt her. But she composed herself as best she could, and spoke again in a voice made of tears. "But you don't have to apologize to me Tai..... Its my own fault for believing you when you said you loved me, when you said you would always be there for me." She turned back to make him with her fists clenched, and glowing with a dangerous mix of anguish and rage. "For three years I woke up every morning to darkness, and the only thing that got me out of bed was the naive hope that today would be the day you would come back to me.... But that time is over, and I don't need you or your apology anymore."
Tai was crushed. He bowed his head like a man condemed, his tears splattering on the white tiled floor. But still he opened his mouth to speak, and in a hopeless whisper he said that the words that he desperately needed to say, the words that Sora was deathly afraid of hearing.
"I'm still sorry for running away. And sorry that I still love you with all my heart and soul."
It will always be a mystery how Sora suddenly developed such a devastating uppercut, and how she knew just where to place it, but she did. And with a painful, exasperated scream she sent Tai's head bouncing off the wall. He collasped to the floor, blinked once, and blacked out.
===========================
Tai knew the setting at once. It was the little meadow about two miles away from the caves. To his right would be rolling plains. To his left would be a few clumps of trees, casting their shade on two motionless forms covered in worn blankets. The bold red sun would be resting on the horizon, just about ready to retire for the evening. And underneath his feet would be the rich green grass, with soil so soft that his makeshift shovel went through it like chocolate pudding.
He turned behind him and watched Joe dig the grave. A somber expression on his face, a single tear making its way down his cheek. He had already dug about three feet into the earth.
The sight inspired a sudden urgency in Tai, he looked down at his own task and with a gasp and realized he had only broken the surface of the soil. With a panicked fevor he attacked the ground, flinging the dirt left and right. He dug for what seemed like years, but the hole never appeared to get any deeper. So he started digging faster and harder, never moving his eyes away from the black soil. He dug, and dug, and dug, until at last his arms felt like they would fall off. So he put down the shovel, and looked up. And only then did he realize how deep into the smothering earth he had dug. He was surrounded on all sides by crumbling walls of dirt, and the sky was nothing more than a patch of soft purple twilight far above his head. Tai began to feel very scared, liquid terror began to seep through his veins. In a cracking voice he called out to Joe for help, but Joe did not come. Instead the two others came, materializing at the lip of the grave like ghosts. Tai squinted his eyes to see better, and what he saw made him gag on a stream of putrid vomit.
They were gruesome visions of death. Their skin was pale and bloated, with strips of rotting flesh hanging off the splintered bones. They looked down at Tai with stark white eyes, flashes of blonde and strawberry hair seemed obscene and grotesque. Tai fell to his knees, struck silent by the horror. The two things picked up shovels, and began scooping dirt back into the grave.
Tai began to scream, begging them to stop, but the things did not care. More and more dirt fell around Tai, and his screams seemed unable to force themselves out of the grave. The dirt came up in suffocating waves to his chest, and then his neck. He screamed one final time, and then the dirt walls collasped around him, burying him alive.
--------------
He suddenly sprang awake with a gasping yelp, and began to desperately suck mouthfulls of cool air into his lungs. "Jesus.." he moaned to himself. He was quivering, the fresh terror of the nightmare still making his muscles burn.
"Who knew Sora could pack such a wallop?" The unexpected voice made Tai jump, but it also brought him back to reality. He was in bed in a darkened hospital, and connected to a handful of softly whirring machines by a few sensors. "It took four stiches to close up your chin, and another six for the back of your head." the voice continued, and now Tai recognized it with little difficulty, though there was a noticible difference in the tone. The voice was sure and steady, but also separated and aloof, a stark contrast to the amniable whine he had known long ago.
"Hi Joe." Tai whimpered as he collasped back down on the firm bed. The corners of his eyes suddenly felt wet.
"Actually, its Dr. Kido now." the young man said as he got up from a chair in the darkened corner of the room. He stood straight and tall, his dark, wavy hair neatly combed and held in place with gel. His unwavering eyes framed by designer glasses. Beneath his white coat he wore a starched white shirt and black pants. His highly polished shoes were made of Italian leather. His manner hinted at cold, emotionless pride, and an almost bored confidence. He walked over to the bed and examined the beeping monitors that displayed Tai's vital signs.
"You haven't been taking very good care of yourself, Tai." Joe chided without looking away from the monitors. "Horrible diet, high blood pressure, two duodenual ulcers....." he listed Tai's problems with an almost disinterested tone.
Frankly, Tai did not care about having all of his problems named. He knew he was suffering, and that was enough. He closed his eyes as tears rolled down his cheeks. He felt sick and weak just to think about his meeting with Sora. "I'm sorry Joe." he whispered without warning. He wanted to say the words before Joe had a chance to say something else. He wanted to say it quickly, and then hide behind any emotional shielding he might have left.
The young doctor gave a short, agitated sigh. "Look Tai," he said in an almost tired, bitter tone, like he he had already had such a conversation many times, and was becoming irritated at having it repeated. "you were our leader. And leaders have to make the horrible choices that nobody else wants to. They have to be prepared to sacrifice not only themselves, but also those who follow them-" his voice broke suddenly, and he paused to take a deep, angry breath of composure before going on. "That day in the caves you did what you thought was the right thing, what you thought you had to do. And you shouldn't be sorry for doing it."
Joe looked down at Tai as if expecting a response. But Tai just stared at the wall. Then he blinked his eyes in an effort to flush away the tears and said in a hoarse whisper "Then I'm sorry for abandoning you when we got back."
Joe did not answer. He just winced as if stuck by a needle. "You should get some sleep." he said finally. And then moved for the door.
"Wait!" Tai called out as he lifted his head from his pillow. Joe stopped and relunctantly turned towards him. "Please Joe, I need to know what happened to everyone after we came back, after I left."
Joe turned his head towards the door, as if thinking about walking through it and never coming back. But instead he walked back to his chair and sat down. "Kari refused to believe she was crippled for life." he began in a voice that quaked with hidden emotion."In desperation, she put herself at the mercy of whatever new experimental operation that came along, but all they ever did was drain more and more of her strength. It got to a point where she was nothing but skin and bones, with no strength left at all. But she still wouldn't give up, no matter how much we all pleaded with her to stop." Joe's fists clenched, as if angry at Kari's impudence or his own weakness. "Finally, right before she went in for another operation, TK came to her and broke down into tears at her bedside. He begged her to stop, saying that it didn't matter whether she could walk or not. All that mattered was that they loved each other, and that he knew he wouldn't be able to go on living if he lost her too, that he was almost broken." Joe smiled to himself a little bit before continuing. "And she started crying and told him that she would stop, and that they would take care of each other. TK carried her out of the hospital in his arms, and they started settling down into their life together, supporting and loving each other. And just two days ago they had their daughter, their little miracle."
Tai absorbed the information without a word. His soft tears stained the white pillow as he buried his face in its coolness. He felt his heart cry out with every breath he took, and he was afraid he was going to break down into pitiful sobs.
"Sora was afraid of the world, afraid of everything." Joe continued on in a voice that was not quite even. "She felt helpless and vulnerable, like there was something horrible hiding in the darkness. It took us two weeks to get her out her bed. Another two weeks to get her out of her room. And it was a month until she would actually let anyone lead her out of her apartment." he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, a tired look in his eyes. "Her confidence and courage had to be rebuilt bit by bit, and it was a slow torturous process for everyone involved.... Lots of tantrums and angry tears." Joe laughed. "But she got through it, and she's stronger now than ever before. She's the one who keeps everybody in line, looks out for all of us."
"Strong enough to hate for what I did." Tai whispered sadly from his bed. "Strong enough to punish me like I should have been."
Joe silent for a second. He took off his glasses and polished them on his coat. "You hurt them so much, Tai. I won't sugar coat it. You left the people who loved you in their darkest hour." he spoke in a tender, but unapologetic voice. "Sora loved you more than anything and you left her alone during the worst time of her life. You can't blame her if she hates you now.... Even though she doesn't." he whispered the last part to himself.
"Then what about you, Joe?" Tai asked with a cracking, almost bitter voice. "What horrible thing has happened to you in the past seven years. What was it that I left you to deal with? What makes you hate me for running away?"
Joe just stared at the wall, his face pinched up as if he would start sobbing at any moment. Years of memories passed through his eyes in a fraction of a second. Then without a word he took his wallet out of his back pocket, and leafed through it until he found what he wanted. Then with barely any movement, he tossed the open wallet on Tai's pillow.
Tai could tell that it was a photograph, but any other information was masked by the dark. With curious anxiety, Tai used the tips of his fingers to scoot the wallet towards the thin beam of orange light that knifed through the window shade from a streetlight outside. The light brought the photo into focus, and Tai suddenly felt a bout of sorrow in his chest. It was a a small tourist picture of Joe and Mimi, taken on some nameless beach many summers in the past. Mimi smiled at the camera with her eyes as she held Joe close and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. Joe was blushing furiously, as if the kiss had come a surprise. But he had a foolish grin on his face that suggested that he appreciated the surprise very much.
"I never told her that I loved her." Joe spoke from his darkened corner. His voice was deep with an old, throbbing sorrow, the kind that would never go away. "I never told her that I wanted to spend all of my life with her by my side." he lifted his head up and stared at Tai through dripping eyes. "That's what I've had to live with for seven years,Tai. That's why I needed my best friend here to help me."
Tai let his head sink back down into the pillow. He closed his eyes, forcing a few more tears out and down his cheeks. "I'm sorry Joe." It felt so pointless to say, but it was all Tai could do.
"I know you are, Tai." Joe answered. "And I forgive you, because I know Mimi would, and because you're my friend." he got up and walked over to Tai's side. He extended a steady, confident hand and squeezed Tai's shoulder in a comforting gesture. "Now get some sleep so I can let you out of here in the morning."
Tai silently listened as Joe's footsteps moved to the door, paused for just a moment, and then continued down the hall. Then he turned over and stared at the ceiling, trying to sort out the events of the past day in his mind. As far as he could tell he had a sister, a brother, and a niece. They had forgiven him, even though he did not feel like he deserved their forgiveness. The woman he loved hated him with a passion. And his best friend seemed more willing to forgive him because he felt he had to more than anything else. "Hey," he smirked tearfully to himself. "two and a half out of four ain't bad."
But inside himself he was rocked with turmoil. He had naively expected to either be completely forgiven or completely shunned, and had not thought of something in between. The unexpected results made him feel more confused and guilt ridden than ever. And he remembered that there were two more people he had to apologize to.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
It was very agreeable day in the Digital world. The sun was shining, a few random clouds dotted the sky. The tall grass was waving in a soft breeze. There had been more than enough time for Tai to apreciate said beauty on his roughly two mile hike from the nearest digiport to the place that had haunted his dreams for seven years.
The meadow had changed a little since Tai had seen it last. The headstones made of rotting wood had been replaced by ones made of thick, shiny marble. One marking the joint resting place of Yamato Ishida and Gabumon, the other of Mimi Tachikawa and Palmon. Someone had planted flowers all around the graves. Tall, proud sunflowers for Matt. Lovely pink carnations for Mimi. The place seemed to be surrounded by an aura of respectful peace, and Tai felt he should be humble before the graves he himself had helped dig, and so fell to his knees in a position of supplication.
"Hey guys." he said, making a great effort to keep his voice normal. "Its been a while, hasn't it?" He dragged his arm across his eyes, wiping away a stray tear that had formed suddenly. "I just came to say that I'm sorry, sorry for everything."
A slight chuckle suddenly rose in his throat, and he bowed his head as if trying to hide it. "You know, I must have said those words a hundred times yesterday. I said them so much that they seem almost meaningless now. But I mean, what else can I do but apologize? There's no way I can make Kari walk again, or make Sora see, or let the two of you live again." tears began to fall steadily from his eyes. "Its all my fault, and there's nothing I can do to fix it! There's no way I can ever make things right again!"
He lifted his head up to the sky and screamed with all his grief and rage. "The only goddamn thing I can do is keep telling everyone that I'm sorry!! And that's fucking worthless!!"
He suddenly fell head long onto Matt's grave, and began to pour out his pulsing tears to the rich grass. For many long moments Tai lay there as tears that had been waiting seven years to fall came flooding out of his eyes.
"And you know what the worst part is, Matt?" he finally sobbed out. He lifted his head and stared at the carved letters on the tombstone like they were Matt's eyes. "The worst part is that you were right that day... There was no bomb, it was just some sick joke of Lokimon's!! I let you die because of some sick fucking joke!!"
Tai pounded on the ground with his fists. The action gave him a little relief, and so he kept pounding the unfeeling soil with all his might, oblivious to the sobs that shook his body, or the river of tears that kept falling to the ground. But after a moment he ceased to feel any comfort from it, and he curled into a weeping ball of guilt and remorse. And he stayed that way until he cried himself into a fitfull sleep.
Sometime later, when the sun was beginning to grow red with the need to rest, someone touched him on the shoulder. The feeling was tender and delicate, like the tip of an angel's wing, but it was enough to wake Tai from his uneasy slumber. His eyes were bloodshot and dried tears stained his face. With a heavy heart he looked up to see who had awakened him
It was Sora, but Tai was to weary in body and heart to notice anything besides that. But if he had looked close enough, he would have seen the look of sorrow and regret in her eyes. He would have noticed that she was still wearing the same clothes as the day before, and that on her cheeks shone the trails of many tears. And maybe he would have noticed that her intense cinnamon eyes were looking at him with a kind of fragile love, and that they were actually looking at him. They were seeing him.
But Tai did not notice any of this. He merely cringed as if expecting to be struck, and spoke out in a weak voice. "If if you've come here to tell me again how much you hate me, then maybe you should wait until I actually have some spirits for you to crush."
Sora visibly winced with hurt, but she also took a firmer hold on Tai's shoulder. "I didn't come here to hurt you, Tai. I-I came to apologize for hurting you."
Tai almost laughed as he turned away from her. "Apologize? I'm the only one who has any right to apologize around here! I'm the only one who hurts and kills the people he loves! I'm the only one who runs away when people who love me call out to me for help!" he turned and glared at her hurtfully. "After all Sora, that's what you told me yesterday."
Her eyes began to fill up with tears, even as she reached out and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so sorry, Tai."
"Don't say that!" he shouted as he weakly tried to pull away from her. "I don't deserve it! I don't deserve forgiveness or mercy! I deserve to die, everyone would be better off if I just killed myself now!"
"Don't talk like that, Tai!" Sora shouted tearfully as she griped him tighter against his struggles. "What about that promise you made to TK? Or what about Kari, Tai? Do you know how happy and excited she was when she heard you came back? How sad and angry she was that she slept through it? And what about your niece? What about being there for her while she grows up?"
Tai quit struggling and just sat there softly crying while Sora held him.
"And what about Joe?" Sora continued, tenderly kisssing the top of his head like she had done in happier times. "You're his best friend, Tai. He stayed with you all of yesterday when you were asleep. I know he seemed cold, but that's just how he coped with everything. I could tell by his voice that he was so glad to have you back."
Sora's face became flushed, and the tears began to fall rapidly from her eyes. "And what about me, Tai? How can you even think about leaving me alone again?"
Tai shook his head sadly "No, I failed you, failed everybody. I ran away when you needed me."
"Oh Tai," Sora whispered as she laid her head down on his shoulder. "we were all so caught up in our own pain, our own hurt, that we never stopped to think how much you must have been hurting. How much pain you must have felt for you to run away."
Tai did not say anything. He just turned and put his arms around Sora, holding her tight as if he was afraid she would suddenly vanish.
"I'm so sorry for what I said yesterday." Sora continued whispering, making her voice soft and gentle, as if soothing a child. "I dreamed for so long about having you back. And when I finally had you again, I was just too proud and angry to let myself be happy, to let myself feel all my love for you."
Tai buried his face in Sora's soft auburn hair, letting his tears mix with the sweet smell of flowers. "I just want to come home, Sora. I just want to have family, and people who love me again."
Sora smiled with a relieved joy. "You do have a family, Tai. And you do have people who love you." she cupped his face and lifted it up so that their tear filled eyes met. "I love you, with all my heart and soul."
She leaned in and gave him a light kiss on the lips. Then she sjust pulled him close and rocked him in her arms. Tai held her as tight as he dared. He placed butterfly kisses on her cheek and neck. "I love you too, Sora." he whispered.
His heart cried out for joy. There was no more deep, sobbing sorrow. There was only happiness, his suffering was over, and now he could finally look forward to love, and family, and joy. And it was in this euphoric state that a sudden thought occured to him.
"Sora." he said as he pulled back to look at her eyes. "You can see me can't you?"
She blushed and smiled a tiny bit. "Its a quirk of going through the gate, it restores my eyesight for up to an hour both ways." she laughed and looked down at where she was intertwining her hands with his. "Its been driving Izzy crazy."
"Is there any way they could make it permanent?" Tai asked excitedly.
Sora gave a thin smile and caressed his cheek with the back of her hand. "Maybe someday, when the technology is better. But for now I can make do with an hour." She added the last part after noticing the downcast look in his eyes.
"Come on." she said as she got up and reached out to help him up as well. "I promised Kari that I'd bring you back to see her as soon as I found you."
Tai nodded, and they began to walk away. But suddenly Sora stopped, and Tai saw the sudden look of fright and alarm in her flickering eyes.
"You just lost it didn't you?" he asked sadly.
She nodded her head shamefully, as if it was her fault. "And my cane doesn't work well in a place like this."
Tai smiled softly and wrapped an arm around her waist. "Then I'll lead you." he told her. "I always will from now on."
Sora smiled at him, and slowly brought her hand up to feel his face. He leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. And then they began the walk back home.
A/N: I've been working on this for awhile. But now that it is done, and now that I have handed in my senior paper, I can fully concentrate on finishing My Father's Crown, and possible a sequel called ummm maybe "The House of Ishida".
///////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////
Tai and Agumon were halfway through Lokimon's cave when they heard the small explosion, followed by a horrible chorus of screams. He and Agumon looked at each other for a moment, fear lighting up their eyes, and then their weary legs began turning as they raced back the way they had come. They tripped and stumbled as they ran, not being able to take the time to carefully navigate the cave's uneven rock floor, but they ran on heedlessly.
To Tai, it seemed like they had been running for hours when they finally reached the bend where they had left the other members of their little expedition. But they finally did, and Tai felt his heart scream in his chest as he saw the gigantic pile of rocks covering the spot where he had last seen his friends standing. He rushed over and frantically began digging at the pile. "Sora!!" he called, his voice cracking horribly. "Kari!! Anybody!!" His heart beat wildly as a cold dread seeped through his veins. Hot, pulsing tears came pouring from his eyes.
Beside him Agumon was struggling to move a rock larger than he was. Painful, sorrowful whimpering coming from the back of his reptile throat.
"Somebody please answer me!!" Tai screamed again, his words trembled with panic. In a mindless desperation he moved to the other side of the pile, as if thinking that a change of position was all that was nessecary to be able to save everyone. He kept clawing at the unforgiving rock with his now bloody hands, but he was so tired from everything that had happened in the past two days. And suddenly his body seemed to just give up, and he collasped on the pile sobbing like a child.
"Tai?..." The voice came from just beneath Tai's face. But is was so strained and weak, like the earth and rock were trying to swallow it up.
"Matt!?" Tai pushed himself up immediately, a small glimmer of hope reappeared in his heart "Are you okay? Is everyone else......" the last words caught in his throat.
"There are some pockets of space." Matt's voice came back, seemingly weaker than before. "Mimi's by me, but.... but..... she's not moving.... I ca-can't tell about anyone else, and-and I'm hurt real bad, Tai... You-you have to have Agumon digivolve and get us out of here."
Tai gave a tearful nod, it frightened him the way his friend's voice sounded so scared, more scared than he thought Matt was capable of being. "Okay Matt," he whispered back, trying to make his voice sound reasuring. "We'll get you out." He turned to his digimon partner, who waited expectantly for the order to digivolve, and opened his mouth in preparation to yell with all his might.
But suddenly, a loud metallic buzzing echoed from the bowels of the cave, from the direction they had just come from. The buzzing brought with it a a horrible thought that floored Tai, and stole the breath from his lungs. "Oh no..." he moaned softly with a voice full of despair.
"Tai..." Matt's voice spoke out again from the tomb of rock, now no more than a dying plead "Tai, y-you have to hurry.... Th-there's a lot of blood."
"Tai..." Agumon whined mournfully.
Tai felt sick. Part of him was screaming out in a painful rage, asking how he could even think of abandoning those he loved. But another part of him stood uncaring and unmoved, as hard and silent as the rocks that had buried his friends. The two sides of Tai fought for control of him, one trying to make him feel, the other trying to make him numb to all feeling. It was hopeless fight, one no part of him was capable of ever winning in the end. But for the moment, there emerged a victor..... Tai felt his heart and soul grow cold, and all at once the tears stopped flowing from his dull brown eyes.
"Matt, listen to me." Tai leaned down close to the rocks that covered his friend. His voice was even now, betraying almost no emotion at all. "Right before Wargreymon destroyed Lokimon, he claimed that he had a digital virus bomb hidden in his lair, a bomb powerful enough to destroy everything.... Matt, the bomb's about to go off and I have to stop it."
"What!!" Matt screamed as loud as he could. "Tai, Lokimon was crazy!! You can't possibly believe what he said while he was being deleted!!"
"Matt...."
"You can't leave us here!"
"I'm sorry Matt... Sorry for everything."
"Tai you bastard, we're your friends! You can't leave us to die!"
"I'm sorry....."
And Tai turned and ran. Matt's pitiful, pleading screams echoing in his ears.
====================================
seven years later
Tai woke up with a gasp and drenched in a chilling sweat, his eyes were wide with fright and sorrow, and for a few moments he looked around wildly for the source of the voices haunting his memory. Eventually he gained back a little more control, and simply sat there holding his head in his trembling hands, trying to calm his madly thumping heart.
He was in his apartment, in his bed, and not back in those damned caves. And he repeated these comforting facts to himself over and over again in his head.
He had gone almost a year without being afraid to fall asleep, and then two weeks ago the nightmares had come back even stronger than before. The one that had just awakened him was not all that bad in comparison to the others. He usually woke up screaming, and then ran to the toilet to vomit.
Tai sat for a few minutes more, trying to get the fear and anguish to drain from his heart. It never completely did, but Tai had grown acustomed to living with most of it. He sighed woefully and glanced over at the blinking digital clock on his nightstand. It was five in the morning, two hours before he had set the alarm to wake him up. But there was no way he could even think of trying to go back to sleep, it just was not worth the dreams. He got out of bed and stretched a little bit, then leaned over and picked up a crumpled piece of paper from his nightstand.
H. TAKAISHI
RM. M-649
Tai remembered the night before when he had been on the phone getting the information. His voice had shaken so much that the nurse on the other end of the line had asked if he was all right. And even now, just looking at the letters on the paper made his throat tighten up with guilt and shame.
Part of him said that he deserved it. He deserved to feel an unbearable amout of fear and self-loathing whenever he dared to think of those he had abandoned. And that same part told him that those six that he had left in the rubble would just as soon spit in his face than look at him. But another part of him desperately needed to be forgiven. Desperately needed for him to get down on his knees, and beg for mercy while he cried his eyes out. For seven years, those two opposing parts had torn at him, and it had gotten to the point where he just could not stand it anymore.
So three hours later he was standing across the street from the hospital. It was a pristine white building, new and efficient looking. And inside it held the full spectrum of life; from birth to death and everything in between.
Tai began to sweat, and his hands began shaking uncontrolably. His feet felt like the were made of lead, but somehow he managed to the first step off the curb, and then another, and another until he was inside the off-white and tan halls of the hospital. But then he had to duck into the nearest bathroom and throw up. "I'm sorry." he whispered to the inside of the porcelin bowl. His whole body was shaking now, and he felt so weak and pitiful that he laid down on the dirty tiled floor and cried.
When would it ever be enough? He wondered. When would the ghosts hanging over him decide that he had suffered enough? When would he ever be able to go back to his friends, his family, and be a part of them again?
========================================
seven years before
Lokimon had disabled all contact between the two worlds as he was being destroyed. But thankfully, the smartest of the Digidestined; Izzy, Ken, and Yolei, along with Davis and Cody, had all been back in the normal world when it happened. They had worked nonstop for two days before finally opening up a portal to get their friends home, but it was a long walk off, especially considering the slow pace they were forced to take.
Tai turned around to look at those following him. Immediately behind him walked Agumon. The little reptile looked at the ground mournfully as he walked, his clawed feet dragging in the dirt.
About fifteen yards farther back TK was carrying Kari in his arms, while Gatomon and Patamon slept fitfully on his shoulders. The boy's head and right side of his face were wrapped in bandages, leaving only the top of his blonde hair, and only one stark blue eye exposed to the world. There was a slowly spreading circle of red on the bandage over his right eye, indicating that the wound had opened up again. TK walked slowly, his lack of depth preception made it very easy to stumble, and he would not dare to risk a fall with such precious, fragile cargo in his arms.
Kari had her arms wrapped loosely around TK's neck, and her head rested on his chest. She stared off into the horrizon and listened to the soothing rythm of his heartbeat. Her soft brown hair hung limply on her fever flushed forehead. A thin blanket was wrapped tightly around her frail legs.
Tai's heart ached as he looked at them. When they had set out from their makeshift camp he had made a move to carry Kari, but TK had not left her side in two days, and the boy had lifted her gently off the ground and just started walking. Kari had responded by wrapping her thin arms around him and tenderly nuzzling his neck before settling down in his arms. The loving scene had hit Tai's heart like a sharp blow. Whether they meant to or not, they had made their point; their brothers were gone to them in one way or another, and they would protect each other now.
A few more yards behind them; Joe, Biyomon, and Gomamon were helping Sora slowly feel her way along. Joe had bruises and scratches all over his face and arms, and one of the lenses in his glasses was cracked, but other then that he was okay. He was staring at Tai with a vacant, empty look of one whose world had just been blown apart.
Sora seemed to shiver lightly with fear as she clung to Joe and Biyomon. She had a thick bandage wrapped around her eyes, and her feet shuffled along the ground cautiously, searching instinctively for anything that might trip her up.
Tai could only look at Sora for a few seconds before guilt and shame made him turn away. More than anything else in the world he wanted to run to Sora and hold her. He wanted to kiss her darling face and bury his crying eyes in her soft auburn hair. He wanted to hear her say she loved him, and that everything would be okay. But Tai knew that would not happen, so he merely stared out ahead and kept walking.
=================================
Tai was not sure how he finally managed to get off the bathroom floor, but he did. And taking deep breaths, he managed to get on the elevator and ride it six floors up. But when the doors opened with a cheerful ding, he suddenly felt sick again and almost did not get off. But through an immense force of will he did. And slowly he walked up to the reception desk where a young looking nurse was bent over a few clipboards full of charts.
She looked up as he approached and flashed him a pleasant smile. "May I help you?" she asked.
"Ah, y-y-yes." Tai stammered. "I-I-I." Rather than struggling any further to get the words out, he merely handed the nurse the piece of paper he carried in his pocket.
The young nurse glanced at it, and her face immediately lit up with genuine delight. "Oh, their room is just right around that corner, third on the right." she told Tai with a blushing smile. "All of us here in the unit have kinda fallen in love with them. They're such a special family."
The words made Tai's heart ache, but he gave a small smile of agreement and walked around the corner the nurse had indicated. He turned and just stood for a second, his eyes focusing on the open door that stood third to the right. Unlike the other doors, it had a variety of colorful ballons, posters, and cards adorning the door frame and the wall beside it. The sight made Tai wince with the knowledge of how much he had missed over seven years, but a deep longing inside would not let him miss this. He crept softly to the edge of the door and peeked in.
Kari was asleep in the hospital bed, her mouth open in a happy pout. Her long, soft hair fanned out on the white pillow like a golden brown halo around her head. There was a wheelchair at the foot of the bed, and by the huge number of stickers, patches, and drawings on it, Tai could tell that it was Kari's own and not a hospital issue. Beside her in a chair, TK sat rocking their daughter gently to sleep. His face was full of joy and contentment. There was a sharp scar that ran from just above his right eyebrow to just below the line of his nose. And if you looked close enough, you could see that his right eye was not quite the same shade of deep blue as his left. It was hard to reproduce exact coloration in glass.
To Tai it seemed like the room was surrounded by an aura of purity and goodness, like it was someplace someone like him, whose soul was stained with remorse and guilt, would not be allowed to enter. He started to turn and leave, but at that same moment TK looked up and saw him.
"Tai?" he called, his voice was not as surprised as Tai would have thought.
"H-hey TK." he answered back. He slowly moved until he was standing entirely in front of the door.
TK studied him for a a few moments, his head cocked to the side in a habit he had developed to help his peripheral vision. The look on the young man's face was impossible to read, and Tai did not know if he would welcomed in or thrown out. But then a small smile appeared on TK's face. "Kari said you would be coming. I don't really know why, but I believed her." He got up and moved towards Tai, the precious bundle still cradled in his arms.
"This is Madeline."
Despite himself, Tai felt his heart soar a little for the first time in seven years, and he smiled with awe as he beheld the beautiful creature before him. Her head was topped with shiny brown hair, and her eyes were a clear, magical blue. She studied Tai curiously for a moment before yawning and nestling down in her father's arms to sleep.
"She's beautiful."
TK gave a smile that said he agreed with all his heart. "Would you like to hold her?"
"N-no." Tai took a reflexive step back. Inside his heart he believed he did not deserve such an honor. "N-not right now."
TK nodded with a somewhat sad smile. He leaned down and gave his daughter a soft kiss on the forehead, then gently put her down in the bassinet next to his chair.
Tai took a tentative step towards the Kari's sleeping form. He had forgotton just how much his little sister looked like an angel. "Is she doing okay?" he asked TK in a voice edged with concern.
"She's been sleeping a lot the past two days." TK answered. He bent down to brush a few stray hairs away from the face of his sleeping wife. "The birth was hard on her. T-there were a few really bad moments." the young man winced as he thought about how close he had come to losing his wife and child. "But we got through it all right." He leaned over and gently kissed Kari's cheek.
Tai just stood there and looked at the little family. He could see why people would want to care for them, there was something about them that inspired joy and hope, even in Tai's guilt ridden heart.
"Why did you come back now Tai, after all these years?"
The words were sudden and unexpected. They griped Tai's heart like a vice, and squeezed out any hope that he may have gained. He looked up at TK, expecting to see the young man glaring at him with hate and accusations, but instead he was shocked to find that TK's expression was etched with just a look of deepest hurt.
"I couldn't stand myself," he answered, the look on TK's face forcing him to tell everything. "I almost couldn't live with myself knowing what I had done. And the only thing I knew for sure was that I hated myself and that everybody I cared about hated me too. A-and I came back now because I just couldn't stand it anymore. I couldn't stand being alone. And I needed to find out once for all, if there was ever any chance of being forgiven, being loved again." the words poured up from the center of Tai's moaning heart, leaving him open for, and maybe even welcoming, the cruelest blow of all.
"Kari could never hate you, Tai." TK's words trembled a little with the threat of tears. "She could be angry at you, maybe even a little afraid of you for a while. But you're her brother and she loves you, she forgave you right away, forgave you for everything.... And every day for seven years she's wished for you to come back."
Tai's heart jumped at the words, but he still needed to know more. "Do you hate me?" he asked.
"I did for a little while." the young man looked down at the floor in shame. "I loved Matt, and I miss him so much." TK looked back up and there were tears rolling down his cheeks. "But after a while I remembered that I had another brother that I loved, but he was gone too."
It was then that the full meaning of what he had done hit him. He had left TK and Kari alone, forcing them to grow up too fast, with too many hardships. He looked at TK and saw the wounded young boy who had taken the weight of the world on his shoulders seven years before. All because of what he had done. The stinging truth cut through Tai's heart like a hot knife, and something made him move forward and throw his arms around TK, trying to show the young man that he would not run away now, that he would help to bear the load on his shoulders.
"Promise me something, Tai." TK spoke out in a stern, almost angry voice, even as he hugged Tai back. "Swear to me that if I forgive you now, then you won't leave again. Kari needs you..... Your niece needs you..... I need you."
"I swear to God, I won't leave again." Tai responed immediately. He clutched TK tighter.
"There's a new drug coming on the market soon." TK spoke as they finally broke apart. "The docs are going to start Kari on it when she gets her strength back.... It might help her gain back some strength in her spine, maybe let her walk a little bit."
"I'll be there with you," Tai responded earnestly. "I'll always be there from now on." it was what Tai had dreamed of for seven long, dark years, to able to help those he loved, and to be loved back. "But right now I have to go... I want to go talk to everybody else."
TK gave a thin smile that was both joyful and sad. "Of course." he answered, with a slight wince that Tai did not quite catch. "I'll let you talk to Kari yourself when she wakes up."
Tai could not stop smiling as he went out the door and down the hall. It felt like a sharp thorn had been pulled from his heart, like he had finally been granted a ray of light to lead him out of the darkness. He had been both dreading and wishing for that moment for so long, that to have it happen filled him with an amazing amount of energy, and the childish belief that everything ahead would go just as well.
But as he rounded the corner, he heard a sound that drove the energy from him as suddenly as a bolt of lightning. It was the sound of hollow plastic tapping along the tiled floor. At once Tai's chest began to tighten as he turned towards the noise, and saw her.
Sora was still so beautiful, even in a faded T-shirt and worn out jeans. Her auburn hair flashed a red gold as it hung about her shoulders. Her gentle face still looked as if it had never borne the burden of a frown. And her cinnamon eyes seemed to radiate with warmth and compassion. She walked with a confident gait, sure in her abilities to read the hall with her cane.
Tai reflexively pressed himself up against the wall, holding his breath, and trying to keep his heart from beating. He realized suddenly that he was not ready to face her again, not now.
Sora continued walking towards him, her mouth taking on the beginnings of a smile at the thought of holding her goddaughter. And Tai was almost positive that she would continue to walk on unaware of his presence. But just as she reached his side she stopped, and Tai could see her muscles tense as if touched by a pair of unfriendly hands. Her eyes filtered back and forth, as if searching for something in their private darkness. She almost took another step forward, but some universal force held her in place. And then she swallowed hard and spoke out.
"What are you doing here, Tai?" it was the same musical voice that had echoed in his head for the past seven years. But the tone was distant, even cold, a tone that Sora had never used towards anyone she cared about. Just seeing her, and hearing her speak to him like that was enough to keep Tai in a stunned silence.
"Don't pretend you're not there, Tai!" Sora snapped when he did not answer. "I can smell your shampoo, the same kind you've used since you were a child." the words seemed to affect Sora even as she spoke them, for the corners of her eyes winced.
Tai felt his heart and shoulders slump. "Hello Sora." he said softly.
She now turned towards him with a guarded expression on her face. If Tai had not known better he would have sworn he felt her narrowed eyes probing him inside and out. "What are you doing here?" she asked bluntly. "For that matter, what makes you think you even have the right to come here?" she added in an ice cold tone.
Hearing Sora say that to him hurt more than anything Tai had ever felt. His eyes blurred with tears, and his heart felt ripped apart. "I-I just wanted to them, to see everyone. I-I just wanted to say I'm sorry."
"Sorry!?" Sora sneered, her face beginning to glow red with rage. "After all this time you just think you can waltz back here and say you're sorry, and that will heal everything?!" she clenched her fists and turned away, too angry and disgusted with him to even face his direction. "The guilt must be tearing you apart for you to come back, because if you honestly cared about Kari, or TK, or me, then you never would have left."
"No, Sora I-." Tai tried to protest. He step a step towards her, but she heard it and took another step back.
"You're sorry." Sora said almost mockingly, but she turned back to him and tears were running down her cheeks. "There, you've said it. Now leave, crawl back to wherever you've been hiding."
"Sora..." Tai implored, his own tears flowing unhindered. "Please, believe me that I'm truly sorry for everything I've done, everything I've missed. And I want to come back."
Sora winced, and gritted her teeth in anger. "I know TK and Kari will forgive you if they haven't already. They're both so gentle that it almost makes me sick sometimes." she started to continue, but her body was suddenly racked by a violent sob. She turned away from him, ashamed to let him see how much he had hurt her. But she composed herself as best she could, and spoke again in a voice made of tears. "But you don't have to apologize to me Tai..... Its my own fault for believing you when you said you loved me, when you said you would always be there for me." She turned back to make him with her fists clenched, and glowing with a dangerous mix of anguish and rage. "For three years I woke up every morning to darkness, and the only thing that got me out of bed was the naive hope that today would be the day you would come back to me.... But that time is over, and I don't need you or your apology anymore."
Tai was crushed. He bowed his head like a man condemed, his tears splattering on the white tiled floor. But still he opened his mouth to speak, and in a hopeless whisper he said that the words that he desperately needed to say, the words that Sora was deathly afraid of hearing.
"I'm still sorry for running away. And sorry that I still love you with all my heart and soul."
It will always be a mystery how Sora suddenly developed such a devastating uppercut, and how she knew just where to place it, but she did. And with a painful, exasperated scream she sent Tai's head bouncing off the wall. He collasped to the floor, blinked once, and blacked out.
===========================
Tai knew the setting at once. It was the little meadow about two miles away from the caves. To his right would be rolling plains. To his left would be a few clumps of trees, casting their shade on two motionless forms covered in worn blankets. The bold red sun would be resting on the horizon, just about ready to retire for the evening. And underneath his feet would be the rich green grass, with soil so soft that his makeshift shovel went through it like chocolate pudding.
He turned behind him and watched Joe dig the grave. A somber expression on his face, a single tear making its way down his cheek. He had already dug about three feet into the earth.
The sight inspired a sudden urgency in Tai, he looked down at his own task and with a gasp and realized he had only broken the surface of the soil. With a panicked fevor he attacked the ground, flinging the dirt left and right. He dug for what seemed like years, but the hole never appeared to get any deeper. So he started digging faster and harder, never moving his eyes away from the black soil. He dug, and dug, and dug, until at last his arms felt like they would fall off. So he put down the shovel, and looked up. And only then did he realize how deep into the smothering earth he had dug. He was surrounded on all sides by crumbling walls of dirt, and the sky was nothing more than a patch of soft purple twilight far above his head. Tai began to feel very scared, liquid terror began to seep through his veins. In a cracking voice he called out to Joe for help, but Joe did not come. Instead the two others came, materializing at the lip of the grave like ghosts. Tai squinted his eyes to see better, and what he saw made him gag on a stream of putrid vomit.
They were gruesome visions of death. Their skin was pale and bloated, with strips of rotting flesh hanging off the splintered bones. They looked down at Tai with stark white eyes, flashes of blonde and strawberry hair seemed obscene and grotesque. Tai fell to his knees, struck silent by the horror. The two things picked up shovels, and began scooping dirt back into the grave.
Tai began to scream, begging them to stop, but the things did not care. More and more dirt fell around Tai, and his screams seemed unable to force themselves out of the grave. The dirt came up in suffocating waves to his chest, and then his neck. He screamed one final time, and then the dirt walls collasped around him, burying him alive.
--------------
He suddenly sprang awake with a gasping yelp, and began to desperately suck mouthfulls of cool air into his lungs. "Jesus.." he moaned to himself. He was quivering, the fresh terror of the nightmare still making his muscles burn.
"Who knew Sora could pack such a wallop?" The unexpected voice made Tai jump, but it also brought him back to reality. He was in bed in a darkened hospital, and connected to a handful of softly whirring machines by a few sensors. "It took four stiches to close up your chin, and another six for the back of your head." the voice continued, and now Tai recognized it with little difficulty, though there was a noticible difference in the tone. The voice was sure and steady, but also separated and aloof, a stark contrast to the amniable whine he had known long ago.
"Hi Joe." Tai whimpered as he collasped back down on the firm bed. The corners of his eyes suddenly felt wet.
"Actually, its Dr. Kido now." the young man said as he got up from a chair in the darkened corner of the room. He stood straight and tall, his dark, wavy hair neatly combed and held in place with gel. His unwavering eyes framed by designer glasses. Beneath his white coat he wore a starched white shirt and black pants. His highly polished shoes were made of Italian leather. His manner hinted at cold, emotionless pride, and an almost bored confidence. He walked over to the bed and examined the beeping monitors that displayed Tai's vital signs.
"You haven't been taking very good care of yourself, Tai." Joe chided without looking away from the monitors. "Horrible diet, high blood pressure, two duodenual ulcers....." he listed Tai's problems with an almost disinterested tone.
Frankly, Tai did not care about having all of his problems named. He knew he was suffering, and that was enough. He closed his eyes as tears rolled down his cheeks. He felt sick and weak just to think about his meeting with Sora. "I'm sorry Joe." he whispered without warning. He wanted to say the words before Joe had a chance to say something else. He wanted to say it quickly, and then hide behind any emotional shielding he might have left.
The young doctor gave a short, agitated sigh. "Look Tai," he said in an almost tired, bitter tone, like he he had already had such a conversation many times, and was becoming irritated at having it repeated. "you were our leader. And leaders have to make the horrible choices that nobody else wants to. They have to be prepared to sacrifice not only themselves, but also those who follow them-" his voice broke suddenly, and he paused to take a deep, angry breath of composure before going on. "That day in the caves you did what you thought was the right thing, what you thought you had to do. And you shouldn't be sorry for doing it."
Joe looked down at Tai as if expecting a response. But Tai just stared at the wall. Then he blinked his eyes in an effort to flush away the tears and said in a hoarse whisper "Then I'm sorry for abandoning you when we got back."
Joe did not answer. He just winced as if stuck by a needle. "You should get some sleep." he said finally. And then moved for the door.
"Wait!" Tai called out as he lifted his head from his pillow. Joe stopped and relunctantly turned towards him. "Please Joe, I need to know what happened to everyone after we came back, after I left."
Joe turned his head towards the door, as if thinking about walking through it and never coming back. But instead he walked back to his chair and sat down. "Kari refused to believe she was crippled for life." he began in a voice that quaked with hidden emotion."In desperation, she put herself at the mercy of whatever new experimental operation that came along, but all they ever did was drain more and more of her strength. It got to a point where she was nothing but skin and bones, with no strength left at all. But she still wouldn't give up, no matter how much we all pleaded with her to stop." Joe's fists clenched, as if angry at Kari's impudence or his own weakness. "Finally, right before she went in for another operation, TK came to her and broke down into tears at her bedside. He begged her to stop, saying that it didn't matter whether she could walk or not. All that mattered was that they loved each other, and that he knew he wouldn't be able to go on living if he lost her too, that he was almost broken." Joe smiled to himself a little bit before continuing. "And she started crying and told him that she would stop, and that they would take care of each other. TK carried her out of the hospital in his arms, and they started settling down into their life together, supporting and loving each other. And just two days ago they had their daughter, their little miracle."
Tai absorbed the information without a word. His soft tears stained the white pillow as he buried his face in its coolness. He felt his heart cry out with every breath he took, and he was afraid he was going to break down into pitiful sobs.
"Sora was afraid of the world, afraid of everything." Joe continued on in a voice that was not quite even. "She felt helpless and vulnerable, like there was something horrible hiding in the darkness. It took us two weeks to get her out her bed. Another two weeks to get her out of her room. And it was a month until she would actually let anyone lead her out of her apartment." he sighed and ran his fingers through his hair, a tired look in his eyes. "Her confidence and courage had to be rebuilt bit by bit, and it was a slow torturous process for everyone involved.... Lots of tantrums and angry tears." Joe laughed. "But she got through it, and she's stronger now than ever before. She's the one who keeps everybody in line, looks out for all of us."
"Strong enough to hate for what I did." Tai whispered sadly from his bed. "Strong enough to punish me like I should have been."
Joe silent for a second. He took off his glasses and polished them on his coat. "You hurt them so much, Tai. I won't sugar coat it. You left the people who loved you in their darkest hour." he spoke in a tender, but unapologetic voice. "Sora loved you more than anything and you left her alone during the worst time of her life. You can't blame her if she hates you now.... Even though she doesn't." he whispered the last part to himself.
"Then what about you, Joe?" Tai asked with a cracking, almost bitter voice. "What horrible thing has happened to you in the past seven years. What was it that I left you to deal with? What makes you hate me for running away?"
Joe just stared at the wall, his face pinched up as if he would start sobbing at any moment. Years of memories passed through his eyes in a fraction of a second. Then without a word he took his wallet out of his back pocket, and leafed through it until he found what he wanted. Then with barely any movement, he tossed the open wallet on Tai's pillow.
Tai could tell that it was a photograph, but any other information was masked by the dark. With curious anxiety, Tai used the tips of his fingers to scoot the wallet towards the thin beam of orange light that knifed through the window shade from a streetlight outside. The light brought the photo into focus, and Tai suddenly felt a bout of sorrow in his chest. It was a a small tourist picture of Joe and Mimi, taken on some nameless beach many summers in the past. Mimi smiled at the camera with her eyes as she held Joe close and gave him a light kiss on the cheek. Joe was blushing furiously, as if the kiss had come a surprise. But he had a foolish grin on his face that suggested that he appreciated the surprise very much.
"I never told her that I loved her." Joe spoke from his darkened corner. His voice was deep with an old, throbbing sorrow, the kind that would never go away. "I never told her that I wanted to spend all of my life with her by my side." he lifted his head up and stared at Tai through dripping eyes. "That's what I've had to live with for seven years,Tai. That's why I needed my best friend here to help me."
Tai let his head sink back down into the pillow. He closed his eyes, forcing a few more tears out and down his cheeks. "I'm sorry Joe." It felt so pointless to say, but it was all Tai could do.
"I know you are, Tai." Joe answered. "And I forgive you, because I know Mimi would, and because you're my friend." he got up and walked over to Tai's side. He extended a steady, confident hand and squeezed Tai's shoulder in a comforting gesture. "Now get some sleep so I can let you out of here in the morning."
Tai silently listened as Joe's footsteps moved to the door, paused for just a moment, and then continued down the hall. Then he turned over and stared at the ceiling, trying to sort out the events of the past day in his mind. As far as he could tell he had a sister, a brother, and a niece. They had forgiven him, even though he did not feel like he deserved their forgiveness. The woman he loved hated him with a passion. And his best friend seemed more willing to forgive him because he felt he had to more than anything else. "Hey," he smirked tearfully to himself. "two and a half out of four ain't bad."
But inside himself he was rocked with turmoil. He had naively expected to either be completely forgiven or completely shunned, and had not thought of something in between. The unexpected results made him feel more confused and guilt ridden than ever. And he remembered that there were two more people he had to apologize to.
-----------------------------------------------------------------
It was very agreeable day in the Digital world. The sun was shining, a few random clouds dotted the sky. The tall grass was waving in a soft breeze. There had been more than enough time for Tai to apreciate said beauty on his roughly two mile hike from the nearest digiport to the place that had haunted his dreams for seven years.
The meadow had changed a little since Tai had seen it last. The headstones made of rotting wood had been replaced by ones made of thick, shiny marble. One marking the joint resting place of Yamato Ishida and Gabumon, the other of Mimi Tachikawa and Palmon. Someone had planted flowers all around the graves. Tall, proud sunflowers for Matt. Lovely pink carnations for Mimi. The place seemed to be surrounded by an aura of respectful peace, and Tai felt he should be humble before the graves he himself had helped dig, and so fell to his knees in a position of supplication.
"Hey guys." he said, making a great effort to keep his voice normal. "Its been a while, hasn't it?" He dragged his arm across his eyes, wiping away a stray tear that had formed suddenly. "I just came to say that I'm sorry, sorry for everything."
A slight chuckle suddenly rose in his throat, and he bowed his head as if trying to hide it. "You know, I must have said those words a hundred times yesterday. I said them so much that they seem almost meaningless now. But I mean, what else can I do but apologize? There's no way I can make Kari walk again, or make Sora see, or let the two of you live again." tears began to fall steadily from his eyes. "Its all my fault, and there's nothing I can do to fix it! There's no way I can ever make things right again!"
He lifted his head up to the sky and screamed with all his grief and rage. "The only goddamn thing I can do is keep telling everyone that I'm sorry!! And that's fucking worthless!!"
He suddenly fell head long onto Matt's grave, and began to pour out his pulsing tears to the rich grass. For many long moments Tai lay there as tears that had been waiting seven years to fall came flooding out of his eyes.
"And you know what the worst part is, Matt?" he finally sobbed out. He lifted his head and stared at the carved letters on the tombstone like they were Matt's eyes. "The worst part is that you were right that day... There was no bomb, it was just some sick joke of Lokimon's!! I let you die because of some sick fucking joke!!"
Tai pounded on the ground with his fists. The action gave him a little relief, and so he kept pounding the unfeeling soil with all his might, oblivious to the sobs that shook his body, or the river of tears that kept falling to the ground. But after a moment he ceased to feel any comfort from it, and he curled into a weeping ball of guilt and remorse. And he stayed that way until he cried himself into a fitfull sleep.
Sometime later, when the sun was beginning to grow red with the need to rest, someone touched him on the shoulder. The feeling was tender and delicate, like the tip of an angel's wing, but it was enough to wake Tai from his uneasy slumber. His eyes were bloodshot and dried tears stained his face. With a heavy heart he looked up to see who had awakened him
It was Sora, but Tai was to weary in body and heart to notice anything besides that. But if he had looked close enough, he would have seen the look of sorrow and regret in her eyes. He would have noticed that she was still wearing the same clothes as the day before, and that on her cheeks shone the trails of many tears. And maybe he would have noticed that her intense cinnamon eyes were looking at him with a kind of fragile love, and that they were actually looking at him. They were seeing him.
But Tai did not notice any of this. He merely cringed as if expecting to be struck, and spoke out in a weak voice. "If if you've come here to tell me again how much you hate me, then maybe you should wait until I actually have some spirits for you to crush."
Sora visibly winced with hurt, but she also took a firmer hold on Tai's shoulder. "I didn't come here to hurt you, Tai. I-I came to apologize for hurting you."
Tai almost laughed as he turned away from her. "Apologize? I'm the only one who has any right to apologize around here! I'm the only one who hurts and kills the people he loves! I'm the only one who runs away when people who love me call out to me for help!" he turned and glared at her hurtfully. "After all Sora, that's what you told me yesterday."
Her eyes began to fill up with tears, even as she reached out and wrapped her arms around him. "I'm so sorry, Tai."
"Don't say that!" he shouted as he weakly tried to pull away from her. "I don't deserve it! I don't deserve forgiveness or mercy! I deserve to die, everyone would be better off if I just killed myself now!"
"Don't talk like that, Tai!" Sora shouted tearfully as she griped him tighter against his struggles. "What about that promise you made to TK? Or what about Kari, Tai? Do you know how happy and excited she was when she heard you came back? How sad and angry she was that she slept through it? And what about your niece? What about being there for her while she grows up?"
Tai quit struggling and just sat there softly crying while Sora held him.
"And what about Joe?" Sora continued, tenderly kisssing the top of his head like she had done in happier times. "You're his best friend, Tai. He stayed with you all of yesterday when you were asleep. I know he seemed cold, but that's just how he coped with everything. I could tell by his voice that he was so glad to have you back."
Sora's face became flushed, and the tears began to fall rapidly from her eyes. "And what about me, Tai? How can you even think about leaving me alone again?"
Tai shook his head sadly "No, I failed you, failed everybody. I ran away when you needed me."
"Oh Tai," Sora whispered as she laid her head down on his shoulder. "we were all so caught up in our own pain, our own hurt, that we never stopped to think how much you must have been hurting. How much pain you must have felt for you to run away."
Tai did not say anything. He just turned and put his arms around Sora, holding her tight as if he was afraid she would suddenly vanish.
"I'm so sorry for what I said yesterday." Sora continued whispering, making her voice soft and gentle, as if soothing a child. "I dreamed for so long about having you back. And when I finally had you again, I was just too proud and angry to let myself be happy, to let myself feel all my love for you."
Tai buried his face in Sora's soft auburn hair, letting his tears mix with the sweet smell of flowers. "I just want to come home, Sora. I just want to have family, and people who love me again."
Sora smiled with a relieved joy. "You do have a family, Tai. And you do have people who love you." she cupped his face and lifted it up so that their tear filled eyes met. "I love you, with all my heart and soul."
She leaned in and gave him a light kiss on the lips. Then she sjust pulled him close and rocked him in her arms. Tai held her as tight as he dared. He placed butterfly kisses on her cheek and neck. "I love you too, Sora." he whispered.
His heart cried out for joy. There was no more deep, sobbing sorrow. There was only happiness, his suffering was over, and now he could finally look forward to love, and family, and joy. And it was in this euphoric state that a sudden thought occured to him.
"Sora." he said as he pulled back to look at her eyes. "You can see me can't you?"
She blushed and smiled a tiny bit. "Its a quirk of going through the gate, it restores my eyesight for up to an hour both ways." she laughed and looked down at where she was intertwining her hands with his. "Its been driving Izzy crazy."
"Is there any way they could make it permanent?" Tai asked excitedly.
Sora gave a thin smile and caressed his cheek with the back of her hand. "Maybe someday, when the technology is better. But for now I can make do with an hour." She added the last part after noticing the downcast look in his eyes.
"Come on." she said as she got up and reached out to help him up as well. "I promised Kari that I'd bring you back to see her as soon as I found you."
Tai nodded, and they began to walk away. But suddenly Sora stopped, and Tai saw the sudden look of fright and alarm in her flickering eyes.
"You just lost it didn't you?" he asked sadly.
She nodded her head shamefully, as if it was her fault. "And my cane doesn't work well in a place like this."
Tai smiled softly and wrapped an arm around her waist. "Then I'll lead you." he told her. "I always will from now on."
Sora smiled at him, and slowly brought her hand up to feel his face. He leaned down and kissed her gently on the lips. And then they began the walk back home.