A/N: This is not just a single one-shot. Nope. It's a series of one-shots! Yes, that's right! I'm actually going to add more to this! Woohoo!

Well, these stories will all be about random things that happen to Artemis over the years at various stages of his life. This includes childhood, adolescence, adulthood, etc. Most will be humour, but some will be angsty, romance, or anything really. A lot of them will take place in Artemis' early childhood because I heart writing little!Arty. I might not be regularly updating, but that depends on if I get enough free time to write. Anyway, let's get on with it!

Disclaimer: I do not own Artemis Fowl (gasp!), but Eoin Colfer does. You should go talk to him.

Life's Lessons

Lesson Number One: Hugs and Kisses

-

Artemis Fowl the Second was a prodigy among prodigies. He was the shining hope of the Fowl line. He was the great descendant of Artemis Fowl the First and a mastermind in the making.

He was three years old.

Now, even at the age of three, this boy showed signs of being beyond his generation. Able to talk before he became one, count to one-hundred without using his fingers by two-and-a-half, Artemis was expected to be the intellectual equivalent of Mozart. No conclusive tests had yet been made but the two very proud parents of this exceptional child were sure that he was a little genius.

Not many three-year-olds were overly aware of their surroundings but Artemis, of course, was far from normal. His "Mummy" and "Da" were always asking him questions and giving him toys they said were for his "educational development". Artemis didn't really care what toys he played with but the constant quizzes were admittedly becoming a nuisance. How was he expected to play blocks in peace when Da kept asking him to spell something with them? If Da wanted to play with the blocks why didn't he just say so?

Being an exceptional child, Artemis often noticed things that others his age would never think about. One thing he noticed about his parents was the fact that they were always excited when he answered their questions correctly. Artemis figured that they were just really easy to please. Whenever he said that "5 plus 5 equals 10" or that grass was green, he was always readily rewarded with a cookie before lunch time or a big hug from Mummy.

It wasn't long before Artemis learned how to manipulate his Mummy into giving him more prizes by innocently reciting some math problem or something he read in one of his workbooks.

Most of the time Artemis welcomed those impromptu quizzes with open arms. No child in his right mind would turn down free cookies.

Other times, however, they were just annoying. It was only like this when his father was the one to interrogate him. They were the same questions with the same answers, except without the prize. What was the point of interrupting his valuable playtime if it didn't involve food or something equally as good?

Another thing Artemis noticed was how stiff his Da was. He never sang lullabies like his Mummy. He never gave him piggy-back rides in the garden like his Mummy. He didn't even play games with him like Butler sometimes did. The most he had seen his father do was to kiss him and his mother goodnight and to read to him sometimes from one of the big books in their library.

Artemis wondered why his Da was like that. Surely, sitting in his quiet study all day with nothing to do but read must be terribly boring. Getting hugs and playing all day was a lot more fun than all that. Artemis was thinking just this one day as he sat playing on the floor of his Da's study.

Da should be more like Mummy, he mused.

A surprising thought struck him then. What if he didn't know how?

Looking up from his plastic abacus, Artemis gazed in wonder at his Da who was poring over a pile of papers scattered over the desk. A hand was brought up to his well-trimmed beard, his forehead wrinkled in thought. At the sight of his working father Artemis felt sure that he was the way he was because he didn't know how to be more fun like Mummy.

And if that was the case...

The boy set down his toys and nodded decisively. He would have to teach him.

"Da?"

Artemis Fowl Senior looked up from his paper work to meet the big blue eyes of his son. "Yes?"

Wearing a sly grin that looked anything but on his chubby face, Artemis walked around his father's desk and gripped the arm of his chair to get his attention properly. (He was too short to be seen from behind the desk.)

"What," he began in the best imitation of his Da's scholarly tone he could manage, "sound does the cow make?"

Da gave him a strange look and said nothing. The seconds ticked by in silence with Artemis the Son waiting patiently and Artemis the Da staring speechless at the former.

The boy was not surprised by his Da's hesitation. It was a particularly hard question that little Arty himself had once had difficulty answering.

Artemis gestured encouragingly. "What sound does the cow make?" he repeated, more slowly this time.

The expression on Da's face morphed from a blank stare of vague incredulity into a sour grimace. He looked as if he had tasted something particularly nasty, which Artemis took as being in deep concentration.

Unable to refuse his son's demanding gaze and to let the boy go uneducated—it wasn't often that Artemis put a question to his parents so randomly—the Fowl patriarch cleared his throat and muttered in as dignified a manner as he could muster...

"Moo."

Artemis beamed, proud of his Da for being so smart. "Correct!"

Da cleared his throat again, a reddish tint just noticeable on his stern face. "Yes. Well. I hope you learned something today, Artemis." He awkwardly nodded to his son and tried to turn back to his work, hoping that the little boy would do the same with his toys.

Unfortunately, Artemis had something else in mind. He jumped up onto his Da's lap and cheerfully repeated what Mummy said to him every time he got a question right, "You deserve a prize. Congratulations, Da!" Standing carefully on Da's lap, Artemis flung his little arms around Da's neck in a warm hug. He then proceeded to plant a wet, smacking kiss on his Da's cheek.

Oblivious to Artemis, Da had frozen up, horrified at the affectionate child hanging off his neck. He had thought that there was an unspoken agreement in their manor that Angeline would take care of the parental feelings, hugs, play-time, and such, not him. Never him. Artemis Fowl, the Nanny? Just the thought was disturbing.

Da plucked Artemis from his neck and held him by the armpits very carefully. With the caution of someone dealing with volatile chemicals, he set his son back on the floor. Artemis stared at his Da with that innocent little smile of his. This smile was returned with Da's very stern visage, which was turning an interesting shade of pink.

Da glared down at Artemis and said firmly, "Son, never do that again. Never. Understood?" Artemis, smile now replaced with a pout of confusion, nodded slowly. "Good. And no dessert tonight," he added to make sure the point got through.

Artemis walked back to his toys in deep thought. He was now very, very confused and wasn't quite sure what had just happened. He sighed sadly when he remembered his punishment. Artemis picked up the toy abacus and glanced up at his father.

And what have we learned today?

Don't hug Da.

-Much love, Lulu

Last Edited: January 22, 2006