The Evil Villain Henchman Exchange Program Chapter 1: The Setup, a read or die fanfic

The Evil Villain Henchman Exchange Program

Summary: Joker and Wendy are given a valuable opportunity for learning, outreach, and new friendships forged through common interests. Naturally, they are Not Happy about this. A Star Wars crossover.

Disclaimer: Kurata owns some, Lucas owns others. I'm sure you can figure out who owns what. Rhianwen, incidentally, owns approximately zilch.

Dear Joker and Secretary,

Congratulations! You have been carefully hand-selected to participate in a tremendous learning opportunity, known as the Evil Villain Henchman Exchange Program, or EVHEP. The purpose of EVHEP is to broaden the horizons of henchmen and evil masterminds everywhere, by giving the chance to network with others in a similar position throughout the Multiverse.

If you choose to participate in the program, Miss Earhart will travel immediately to A Galaxy Far Far Away to assist a mysterious and cunning mastermind known only as The Emperor. In the meantime, Mr. The Emperor's trusted henchman will travel from A Galaxy Far Far Away to assist you, Mr. Joker, in your day-to-day operations.

Mr. Vader, the valued assistant of Mr. The Emperor, is a highly sensitive man firmly in touch with his anger and able to channel it into his work, which is at all times supplemented by his unique personal skills. These include frequent disposal of unnecessary high-ranking officials, the ability to levitate stuff with his mind, and one heck of an intimidation factor.

We realize that a short adjustment period may be necessary. But we fully expect that, before long, the rewards of such a grand undertaking will become apparent, and all those involved will grow as more fully realized evil individuals.

Yours truly,

Joker looked up from the scrap of parchment, frowning in bewildered annoyance.

"Evil villain!" he repeated. He leaned forward over his desk. "Wendy, did you put me on some sort of mailing list?"

Wendy sighed in weary annoyance and rolled her eyes.

"You didn't register your software with Microsoft again, did you?"

"It did it automatically! I couldn't stop it; I don't know how to use Windows!"

"You could have just said, 'Wendy, come here and use Windows for me, will you?'" she suggested snippily, crossing her arms and glaring at him.

"Good idea," he commented, nodding his approval. "I'll remember that for next time."

"Right; when do I leave then?" she asked hopefully.

He shook his head.

"I don't know if we should participate in a program like this, Wendy. I can't afford the time it would take to train a new assistant; making my tea is a very demanding process, very exact specifications."

"Yes, I know," she said through gritted teeth.

"And that aside, what exactly do they mean by referring to us this way? Evil Villain and Henchman? How many times do I have to repeat it? We are not evil, we are acting in the best interests of the world."

It was just as well that he didn't notice her mouthing silently along with the entire abridged version of his favourite speech.

"Yes, I've heard that somewhere before," she said pleasantly, before looking rather offended. "But Henchman? Excuse me, of all the idiotic, sexist things—"

"I think you're missing the point, Wendy; we're not evil!"

"Yes, and I'm not a man," she added impatiently.

He allowed himself a rather sly smile.

"I haven't missed that point."

"Sir, focus," she prodded. "Are we going to participate or not?"

"I honestly don't know," he replied. "Who is this 'H' person? Could it be Mr. Gentleman, do you suppose?"

Wendy's expression was one of intense concentration as she went back over the spelling of Mr. and Gentleman, trying to find the 'H' that she had apparently missed. Finally, she gave up.

"Sir, where is the 'H' in Mr. Gentleman?"

"It's his first name, obviously," Joker replied, chuckling.

"I-I thought his first name was Nicholas."

"Wendy, he's far too clever to give us his real first initial. It's likely Cyrillic."

"So…in Cyrillic, an 'H' is an 'N'?"

"Yes, and a 'P' is an 'R'," he replied.

She nodded hesitantly.

"Oh."

"Yes, 'O' is generally 'O'."

There was a prolonged pause.

"So, since it's clearly Mr. Gentleman giving us directions from beyond the grave, should I go pack, then?"

"Yes, if it is the will of Mr. Gentleman, we are in no position to question it."

"Right," she agreed with artificial brightness. "Good old H."

Dear The Emperor and Apprentice,

If you choose to participate in the program, Mr. Vader will travel immediately to The British Library, in A Galaxy Far Far Away In the Other Direction, to assist a rather prissy and effeminate mastermind known to the world as Joker in his machinations of darkest literacy. In the meantime, Mr. Joker's trusted secretary will travel from A Galaxy Far Far Away In the Other Direction to assist you, Mr. The Emperor, in your day-to-day operations.

Miss Earhart is a young lady of a calm and extremely obedient, and at times frighteningly obsessive disposition. Her unique personal achievements include prodigious firearm skill, high aptitude with the medium of tea, and the ability to spread chaos and destruction wherever she goes without being harmed in the slightest. In addition, she is an excellent typist.

Yours truly,

The Emperor looked up from the short letter, a frown possibly wrinkling his forehead, although it did always tend to look like that - beneath the shadows of his voluminous hooded robe, Darth Vader could not tell if this was a frown, or if the man was just generally a wrinkly old bastard.

He was betting on the second.

Yellow eyes gleamed at the helmeted man.

"Did you sign me up to another mailing list?"

When the helmet tipped forward slightly in sheepishness, the cloaked man sighed and shook his head.

"Lord Vader, you have to start using your anger in more productive ways, which, by the way, does not extend to signing me up for silly mailing lists for Home and Gardening magazines—"

"I thought the place could do with some sprucing," Darth Vader commented sourly."

"—putting tacks on my throne, or depleting my supply of Admirals," The Emperor continued, ignoring him.

"What else could I possibly do, Master?" Vader demanded piteously. "We've destroyed all our enemies; how else can I occupy my time? It's just you and me now, and I suppose I could kill you, but then what?"

"I'll forget you said that…again," The Emperor said, glowering menacingly. "I think this exchange program will do you good, Lord Vader. Working for someone else might make you begin to appreciate what you have here. There are far worse bosses, you know. I only hope," he continued in a tone that vaguely implied that he would be hitching up his belt if he wore one, "that this…Miss Earhart does not become too attached to me."

"I don't foresee it becoming a problem," Vader assured him.

The Emperor frowned.

"That is not what I foresee," he said, before turning to his apprentice. "Are you sure that your feelings on this matter are clear?"

"Not really," Vader replied dismissively. "There is one thing that troubles me, Master."

"Yes?"

"What do they mean by referring to us as evil?"

The Emperor sighed and put a hand on Vader's shoulder companionably.

"They only referred to me as evil, and everyone says I'm evil – I'm a politician! But I just want what's best for the galaxy. You know that, Lord Vader."

"Of course, Master. But I do object to the term 'henchman'."

"I'm sure they meant it in the best possible way."

"Makes me sound like a toady."

"Lord Vader, there is no one who would mistake you for a toady. But the matter of who this 'H' is concerns me. Have you any ideas, Lord Vader?"

"None, Master."

"I suspect that it is The Hwill of the Force."

"…Of course, Master. I can see why the Hwill of the force would use such a mode of communication. Not to mention, misspell its own name."

The Emperor glared.

"Thank-you, Lord Vader, that will be all."

"…Yes, Master."

End Notes: Eheh...there's really nothing to say here, is there?