WARNING: THIS FIC CONTAINS AWFUL, TERRIBLE CONTENT THAT SHOULD NOT BE VIEWED BY ANYONE WITH WEAK STOMACHS OR SENSITIVE BRAINS! THIS FIC IS SO HORRIBLE, IT DEFILES EVERYTHING WE HAVE COME TO KNOW AND LOVE!
And yet… you can't look away…
Everybody is OOC, the writing is bad on purpose, and this is supposed to be funny. Try not to be offended, okay, people? Please review!
Disclaimer: FullMetal Alchemist does not belong to me. The idea of punk!anime character doesn't even belong to me. It belongs to the genius/idiot who made it up first three thousand years ago. :-P Suing is bad! O.O
Hiromu Arakawa would kill me if she saw this… ha ha… ha… eh… :sweatdrop:
The Scariest FMA Fic Ever
by crazykitsune17
Roy looked out his window early on Monday morning to find the sky cloudy with the threat of impending rain. His narrow, lidded eyes drank in the wintry milieu and let his blackened lips twist upward into a smile – or something relatively close to one. Goths weren't supposed to smile.
"Darkness…" Roy murmured, placing his hand to the chilly glass pane. His fingers left a smudgy mark on the condensation. "This will be a good day, for I like darkness… Darkness is good…"
He opened his closet and took a look around for something to wear. Black pants, black shirts, black hoodies, black socks, black shorts, black shoes, black underwear. His vast collection of chains and spikes were in the bottom drawer of his wardrobe, but first he needed some actual clothes – his pale, nearly-albino skin would not give off the impression of him being the darkness-loving gothic freak he was supposed to be.
First, he clothed himself in a long, black t-shirt with the band logo for Dimmu Borgir on it. Roy loved Dimmu Borgir. They were just so dark. So he liked it.
Next, he pulled on his black boxers with the skulls on them and buckled up his baggy, loose black pants that fell halfway down his butt. He attached five different chains to each of the D-rings and smiled as the pants slid even further down his butt. He knew chicks totally went for guys with their pants half-off.
He sat down at his mirror and began to pull out some white powder, black eyeliner and lipstick, and hair gel to make his hair all spiky and cool.
At last, he was done putting on his dark makeup, and he looked at himself in the mirror and smiled. Darkness is good… I like darkness…
On the way to school, Roy met Ed on the streets. Ed was wearing army cargo pants and a baggy hooded sweatshirt. His hair was long and in cornrows. He carried a skateboard and listened to rock music.
"Hey, Roy!" called Ed from the sidewalk. Roy glared at him. Goths didn't say "hi" to people.
Ed skated up to Roy and flipped up the curb. He started to skateboard on his hands because he is cool. Roy was not impressed. Skateboarding wasn't cool. Writing dark poetry was, so Roy pulled out his black notebook and tore out a page with heavy black-ink writing on it and handed it to Ed.
Ed read it.
Death is all around me.
Everything I see is a swirling pool of death.
I am engulfed in misery
Somebody kill me.
I want to die.
Because death is good.
Death is dark.
Death is the end.
End it all!
I WANT TO DIE!
I want the world to die!
Die, world!
The world sucks!
People suck!
I hate myself.
I am nothing but a black hole of miserable misery.
I want the pain to end.
End the pain, damn it!
I bleed, I cry
I want to die.
Good-bye.
Ed nodded at Roy's superior poetry and grinned. "Dude, that's totally killer," said Ed, punching Roy playfully in the shoulder. Roy shyly grinned, then remembered that goths didn't smile and shut his mouth, muttering, "My poetry sucks. The world sucks. I wish it would die."
"Yeah," Ed agreed, his face clouding over. "Fuck the world. It's all full of those conformists…"
"Fuck conformity. I hate it."
Just then, Winry bounced up to them on the sidewalk, wearing a black tube top with holes in it and pink short-shorts with black fishnets crawling up her legs. She had a lot of makeup on: bright red lipstick, blue eyeshadow, mascara and eyeliner. Her hair was curly and fell around her shoulders, bright blonde. Her boobs were really big.
"Hey, guys," she said, touching Ed and wrapping her legs around him. "You wanna cut class so we can go have sex?"
"No," said Roy. "I'm going to cut class and smoke, okay?"
"Oh, that sounds like fun too," said Winry. "We can smoke and then have sex!"
"No thanks," said Ed. "I've gotta board, man, 'cuz it's like, my passion. I live for the pavement."
Winry pouted and looked upset. "But I wanted to—"
"Go find a man-whore," snapped Ed. "I can't be happy until I get five hundred holes in my pants from wiping out. Listen, I gotta run. My bro's going to meet me at the skate park. Later!" He waved good-bye to Winry and Roy and left for the park, leaving Roy alone with the slut.
"Let's have sex!" said Winry happily.
"Let's not," said Roy, pulling out a cigarette and lighting it. "Goths aren't supposed to do happy things like that."
"Oh, I understand. It's like, against your religion, isn't it?"
"Yeah."
"Oh, okay. Well, 'bye!" Winry chirped, and she pranced away.
And then Maes Hughes came along, and he was wearing a pink blazer and sparkly silver pants and rose-tinted sunglasses. His hair was dyed blonde and it was spiky and his glasses were cat-eye ones. He wore white platform disco boots.
"Hello there, sunshine!" squealed Maes, waving giddily at Roy, who only glared. "Isn't it just a fabulous day?"
"No," said Roy. "Today sucks. Just like every other day. Because every day is a motley of misery in my life that I wish to end. Down with life!"
"Oh, hey now, don't be thinkin' like that!" gushed Maes. "I know what'll make you feel better! Let's go SHOPPING! Whee! I know this like, great store on fifth street, it'll totally cheer you up, it's just absolutely fabulous, like you wouldn't believe… Plus the store manager has such a cute butt! Tee-hee!"
But before Roy could respond by how much he hated shopping because shopping was something the conformity did and the conformity was bad, Riza Hawkeye came by wearing a pink miniskirt with pink flip-flops and a pink halter top with the midriff cut out and her hair in a high, curly ponytail. Pink earrings dangled from her ears, and she smiled.
"Like, hi!" she greeted. "Did somebody say shopping? I just love shopping! Especially for clothes! I love Abercrombie! They have like, the best clothes ever!"
"Like, I know!" replied Hughes, getting excited and clapping his hands. "They have such good deals there, and those guys they have on the shopping bags…" He fanned himself. "Like, wow, they are just outta this world!"
"Eeee, I know, they're just like, so hawt!" cried Riza. "Maes, let's go shopping and buy lots of pink underwear, okay, sweetie?"
"Okay!" said Maes. "I just love pink underwear!"
Roy snorted and walked on, leaving the two conformity idiots to do their frivolous "shopping". Shopping sucked. It was a pointless waste of time. So Roy walked into a Starbucks and bought a coffee.
This coffee is dark… Just like me. I like dark… he thought to himself as he sipped the warm liquid. Dark is good…
Roy drank his coffee and he was thinking about darkness and how totally sweet it was. Then he went into Hot Topic and bought some more black clothes because black is nifty! But he ran into Ed there and Ed was buying skater clothes because he was a skater. They nodded at each other and shoplifted their purchases.
"I thought you were out skateboarding," said Roy.
"I decided to ditch and go shoplift stuff."
"Yeah, shoplifting is cool. It's bad. And bad is good because it's part of my culture."
Ed nodded and then he and Roy went out behind the store in an alleyway and then they looked at each other all romantically.
"You know, Roy, since the rest of society doesn't seem to like us—" Ed started.
"Society sucks," added Roy. "Fuck conformity."
"Yeah," agreed Ed. "But since the rest of society doesn't seem to like us, I think we should like each other."
"Yeah, whatever."
So Ed and Roy kissed, and later that night, Roy wrote a dark poem. Because darkness is cool.
No one cares.
Fuck the world and their apathy.
They'll never understand.
No one does.
I feel like I have no friends
Drowning in misery.
I feel depressed.
But there is one person
Who can save me
Be my salvation
My redemption
My escape
My lover.
He destroys all negativity
Purges the gloom from my terrible, miserable life
And brings forth happiness
And even joy.
I love him
But I hate him.
Edward Elric.
--crazykitsune17--