Chapter Thirty-Eight
For the first time in days the hospital wing was not a maze of activity as it had been for much of the last week.
Lupin passed by Madam Pomfrey's office as he walked in, and the Hogwarts matron simply nodded at him, as she already knew who he was there to visit. In fact, he was the only patient still left in the hospital wing.
Harry was sitting up in bed, with a couple of Quidditch magazines lying facing up beside him. He didn't speak as Remus took his customary seat beside the bed.
Remus didn't let his disappointment show, but he had been foolish for getting his hopes up to begin with. Harry had been like this every time he had come to see him. Despondent and detached with a permanent scowl etched on his face. He never said much and Remus didn't try to force much out of him either. You never would have guessed they had won the war by looking at Harry. He didn't look like someone that had become the wizarding world's saviour for a second time. If anything his mood could be described as clearly depressed.
Harry was probably most affected by the end of the war. His teenage years were almost over and he had spent the bulk of them living in constant peril, not knowing if someone close to him was going to be the next victim. If anything he should have been ecstatic at the chance he could finally have a normal life. But Lupin wasn't sure if his mind had time to process that much yet.
"Molly was afraid you'd starve to death in here, so she made you a few things." Lupin held up the brown bag he'd brought in with him and gave it a small shake. "I think she's forgotten that the house elves do bring food to the hospital wing."
"I'm not hungry," Harry said, uninterested.
"I'll put it here for later," he said, putting the bag on the table at the end of the bed.
Harry just shrugged and picked up one of the magazines off his bed and began flipping through it.
"The professional Quidditch league starts next week, doesn't it?" Lupin asked him. He had never been much of a Quidditch fan, and he knew even less about the sport but from hearing the talk of everyone around the castle he assumed it had to be starting soon. He figured if anything would bring Harry out of his shell, it would be talk about Quidditch."
"I guess," Harry responded distantly.
So much for that idea. "Ron and Hermione would like to see you."
"I don't want to see anyone," Harry said, closing the magazine and tossing it down on the bed.
So far Harry had avoided having visitors for the most part. At first, Lupin had thought it was just because he was still adjusting to things, but he was growing concerned. The fact that he hadn't allowed his closest friends to visit him spoke volumes.
"You're going to have to speak to them eventually," he pressed gently.
"Yeah, eventually, but not today."
"If they were angry with you they wouldn't be asking to see you," said Lupin, trying a different tactic.
Harry was starting to lose his temper. "I don't want to talk about it, okay?"
"Fine. You listen, I'll talk," Lupin said to him. "Nobody expects you to put on an act for their benefit, and neither do they expect you to deal with everything you've been through within a week."
"What do they expect then?" Harry asked. People always wanted something from him and he didn't think that was going to change over night. "I killed Voldemort. I fulfilled the prophecy and saved the wizarding world again. And now I just want to be left alone. Is that too much to ask?"
"No, it's not," Lupin responded. "If anything, you deserve that much, Harry. But before you start pulling away from everyone, you should at least talk to those closest to you. Unless what you've been aiming for all along is to have your friends hate you," he said, giving Harry a meaningful look that he just scowled at. "I don't really have all the details about what happened between you and Voldemort – and Ron isn't saying much – but you wouldn't be the first person to lose their head over a little magical power."
"Remus, I know you mean well but I don't want to talk about any of it. It happened and now it's over, and I don't want to go through any of it again," he said firmly.
Lupin nodded his acceptance. Forcing the issue was not going to help Harry deal with it any better. He stood up saying, "I'll come back tonight and see if you need anything."
"You don't have to check in on me. I'll be fine," Harry told him and rolled onto his side, facing the wall.
Lupin, taking that as good-bye, left the hospital wing.
"Ron, pacing isn't going to help anything," said Hermione, growing dizzy from watching him pace back and forth outside the hospital wing.
"I don't even know why we're here," he said, stopping in front of her. "He hasn't wanted to see us before now, so why would today be any different?"
She couldn't find a fault in Ron's logic, but she wanted to believe that for some reason today would be different and Harry would stop barricading himself away from everyone. Before she could tell Ron any of this, Lupin walked back out into the hall. He gave her a sympathetic smile and shook his head. That was followed up by a look from Ron that clearly said I told you so.
"Let's head down to lunch," Ron said.
Hermione shot him a scathing look.
"What? Just because Harry's starving himself doesn't mean we need to go on a hunger strike too," He shot back. "You coming?"
"Maybe in a little bit," she replied.
Ron gave a sort of shrug and walked away.
"Ron does have a point. Though I might have worded it a bit more tactfully," Lupin said with a smile.
She snorted. "Ron, tactful?" Those were two words that didn't go together very often. "He's angry with Harry and I wish I knew why," she said, her tone becoming much more serious. "He won't talk about what happened, even though every reporter in Britain seems to know he was there with Harry when Voldemort was destroyed." If he hadn't used a stunning spell on her she would have been there with him. She had given him hell for that afterwards and had been furious with him for days.
"Ron's very much like Harry in that respect," Lupin commented. "Except when you push him he pushes back twice as hard." Even as he said it, he was sure Hermione already knew that, given the share of rows those two got into because neither one would back down. "Minerva asked me to lend a hand in the restoration of the classrooms in the east wing. Get yourself something to eat. Maybe Harry will be feeling better tonight," he said, trying to give her some hope even thought he knew there was nothing he could say to dissuade her from marching in to the hospital wing if she chose to do so.
Hermione decided to follow Lupin's advice. Besides, there wasn't much good she could do sitting outside of the hospital wing anyways.
While she had to take a slight detour to get where she was going, because of all the repairs that were going on, it showed her how close they had all come to losing Hogwarts and the war. And also just how much it had cost them to win. Dean Thomas had been crushed underneath a collapsed wall, and Parvati's twin sister, Padma had been hit by the killing curse when she had been rescuing an injured person. Those were just a few on a very long list that went back seven years.
Even with Voldemort gone, pockets of Death Eater resistance remained, and Moody predicted it would be like that for some time. Aurors had already been dispatched to begin wiping out any and all Death Eater cells that remained. Surprisingly, the gruff Auror turned out to have a compassionate side after all. He had allowed Ron to remain behind at Hogwarts to heal and help with the restoration instead of forcing him right back out into the field. She was sure it was only a matter of time before Moody or Mackenzie asked him to come back and Ron would be only to happy to comply.
The aftermath of the destruction also had its bright spots. Most of those who weren't hurt too badly had stayed behind to help with the restoration in hopes that the school would be ready to reopen in September.
The Main Entrance had been hit the hardest and was presently closed off as Ministry assigned architects worked around the clock to restore it back to its original form. If Mr. Weasley hadn't been the Minister of Magic she doubted the Ministry would have devoted the resources it had to the renovation of the castle.
With the Main Entrance way closed off, several classrooms that had escaped the attack unscathed had been converted to temporary dining quarters. She and Ron typically ate at the one that had served as their Charms classroom, so she went there first.
Ron was there, and so were Ginny and the twins. She could tell by the flushed look on Ron's face he was trying very hard to keep his temper in check and it wasn't hard to figure out why. Fred and George were seated on either side of them, and ever since they found out about their younger brother's celebrity status, had taken to teasing him every waking moment they were around him. The worst prank by far was when they had found Ron's old prefect badge and transfigured it to say every thirty seconds – in what sounded almost identical to Ron's voice – I helped take down the Dark Lord, want my autograph? Ron had gone ballistic. It had taken both Bill and Charlie to keep him from pummeling the twins, who had enough sense to escape while Ron was incapacitated.
Obviously the twins had a death wish because they were currently badgering Ron about what dress robes he was going to wear to his Daily Prophet interview.
"I already told you yesterday I'm not doing that ruddy interview," he barked at George, while he stuffed a piece of shepherd's pie into his mouth.
"But you have to," George said to him. "What with Harry not answering any of his fan mail anymore, someone has to take up that burden."
"Sod off," Ron grumbled.
The twins gave him a nasty look, but for the moment seemed content to let their brother enjoy a few seconds of peace.
Hermione took a seat across from Ginny who was silently smirking as she listened to Fred and George's ribbing of their brother.
"So he wouldn't see you again?" Ginny stated. It wasn't a question because it was apparent from Ron's behaviour when he had arrived that Harry had still refused to see him or Hermione.
"He'll come around eventually. We all just need to give him some space. That's usually what works best when Harry gets in moods like this," Hermione said to the younger girl.
"I guess he really does enjoy being alone," Ginny said bitterly.
Hermione felt bad for her. Harry had made her swear not to tell Ginny about the part in the prophecy that was about her, and even though she desperately wanted to so Ginny would know how much Harry cared and loved her, she couldn't go back on her word.
"McGonagall seems to think the school will be ready for a September opening," Hermione said, changing topics.
Ginny had been about to respond when the sound of a fork and knife clattering against silverware drew her attention over to Ron. He was standing up now and she could swear if she looked close enough she could see steam coming out of his ears.
"Oi, little brother, it was a joke," Fred was saying.
"You've gotten so sensitive," George commented. "You would think you were a woman or something – "
"Fuck off, both of you!" Ron exploded at last and stormed out of the room without another word to anyone.
"What did you two say to him?" Hermione questioned the twins.
"We were just having a little bit of brotherly fun and Ronneikins took it the wrong way," George told her.
Hermione pursed her lips. "I highly doubt that. Ron won't have gotten so upset over nothing."
The twins exchanged incredulous looks and George said, "have you met our brother, the one who overreacts if dinner's two minutes late?"
"Well, you still shouldn't tease him all the time," Hermione scolded. "In case you've forgotten, your brother is an Auror – and a brilliant one at that. If I were you I'd be sleeping with one eye open at night. I hope you get what's coming to you," she snapped and stood up to follow after Ron.
"Isn't it scary how she can channel Ron like that?" Fred murmured to George as she was leaving.
Hermione headed back to the Gryffindor common room, as the student towers were one of only a handful of places to escape the attack untouched. Ron obviously hadn't been trying to hide because he was sitting in the middle of the common. He had just been looking to get away from his jesting brothers.
"Fred and George were just pushing your buttons. They just can't help themselves," she said, coming to sit beside him. "I think they've been trying extra hard lately because you to seem a bit on the sensitive side," she finished carefully. She did not want him to blow up at her as well, so she was going to have to tip toe around the issue that was the root of his moody behaviour.
"You'd be too if everyone kept coming up to you and asking the same bloody questions." He wrung his hands through his hair. "I can't believe I used to give Harry a hard time about all the attention he got. I'm definitely not stupid enough to be jealous of him anymore."
It must have taken a lot for him to admit his former jealousy of Harry, but Hermione didn't say anything about it. Telling Ron he never had a reason to be jealous of Harry would never work. He'd have to come to that realization on his own.
"Moody asked me to go back to work the day after tomorrow," he told her.
Hermione blinked. "He asked you?" Moody didn't ask anybody anything. He simply told them what he wanted done and it was their funeral if they chose not to comply.
"Well, he said it in such a way so it wouldn't sound like an order," Ron explained. "I think he might be afraid my mum will come after him. This way it's my choice and Moody stays out of it." The fact that his mother could inspire such fear in a renowned Auror would have been laughable if he didn't know first hand how scary his mother could be. "But," he added a second later, "Mackenzie's putting the Aurors on rotating schedules to make sure we're all rested and nobody burns out like before. So that means in a couple of weeks I'll get a whole week off," he said, grinning at her. "And I know within the next two weeks you're not going to take on a new job, no matter how many owls or Ministry officials show up at the house."
She decided to play along. "And you know this for a fact?"
"Oh, I do," he said, leaning in closer to her. "Because I know you'd much rather spend a week alone with me then sitting at a desk pushing papers."
"You overconfident prat," she said, not able to hide her smile.
Ron smirked in triumph and leaned in a bit closer to press his lips against hers.
He pulled away all too soon and Hermione fixed him with a look. "What's the matter?"
"Nothing," he said dismissively. "It's just, well, I was expecting you to come in here and make me talk about stuff. I haven't been the easiest bloke to get along with lately."
"You aren't usually," she responded. "But I thought I'd try something new and wait for you to bring it up."
"Really?" He said, sounding stunned. "Because normally you'd badger me to death – "
"I don't badger!" She cried, sounding offended. "If I press you about certain things it's just because I'm concerned."
He arched an eyebrow at her. "This isn't one of those reverse physiology things, is it?"
"It's called reverse psychology, Ron, and no, I'm not trying to trick you into telling me anything." At least not on purpose, she finished to herself. Then again, Ron had been so sweet a moment ago about the two of them spending a week together that she wasn't sure she wanted to ruin the moment.
With a sigh, Ron leaned back on the couch, looking up at the ceiling. "I haven't really said anything to you or anyone else about what happened with Voldemort because I didn't want to think about it. I mean, the bastard's finally dead, so who cares how it happened? Talking about how he tried to use the people I love to hurt me isn't going to make me feel any better."
Hermione looked away from him. The guilt she had been feeling since finding out exactly what she had done, or rather tried to do while under the Imperius, began to eat away at her again.
"Hermione, look at me," Ron said, seeing her reaction. When she wouldn't, he said, "this is why I didn't want to say anything because you would blame yourself. You were under the influence of the Imperius. You had no control over what you were doing."
"I should have fought it off," she said stubbornly.
"You did throw it off," he argued. "Okay, so it took awhile but most people aren't strong enough to throw it off at all. Voldemort's a sick twisted bastard and it's not your fault what he made you do. You didn't have a choice – Harry did."
Her own guilt put on hold, she said, "what do you mean?"
"You know Harry killed Pettigrew," he started. "But I watched him do it and I've never seen Harry like that before. It was like he was possessed or something. And then he jumps in front of the killing curse without even thinking about it. I know he survived the killing curse when he was a baby, but he was willing to throw his life away just like that."
"Throw his life away? Ron you would have died!"
"I know that," he said with a sigh. "I'm grateful for what he did, but…"
"You wanted to be the one to sacrifice yourself for Harry?" She stated, narrowing her eyes at him. When he didn't answer, she said, "so you're upset you didn't die for Harry, is that it?"
"Don't tell me you never thought about sacrificing yourself for Harry," Ron stated.
"The difference is I'm not the one brooding about because I didn't get the chance!" She practically shouted, not bothering to deny it.
"It's not like I wanted to die," he said, knowing he was going to need to carefully explain himself. "I just wanted to do something important."
"You think you didn't do anything important?" Hermione said, looking at him in disbelief. She grabbed his hand and held it tightly in hers. "Ron, you were the one who got me to fight off the Imperius. Did you see how impressed Profesor McGonagall was afterwards when I told her. She said she's never heard of someone talking another person out of the Imperius Curse. The person either fights it off themselves or not at all. Still not enough for you? Look what you did for Harry. You went after him alone, not caring about the danger – not because you weren't afraid but because Harry is your best friend and you would have done anything from him. I know everyone is always pining Harry as the hero, and rightfully so, but Harry didn't have a choice. He fought because it was what he had to do. You chose to fight, which makes you every bit the hero Harry is."
A hero? Ron never would have thought to associate himself with that particular word. Harry was always the one who was rescuing people and constantly putting himself in danger without any regard for his own life. And Hermione thought he was just like Harry. Maybe being like Harry wasn't so bad after all.
"Finally got through to you, have I?" She said, smiling at him.
"You know me," he said, wrapping his arms around her waist. "I'm as thick headed as they come so it takes a while for things to sink in."
The tapping sound coming from the window caught both their attention. Ron went over and opened the glass so Hedwig could fly in. She landed on the table and Ron unwrapped the rolled up note attached to her leg.
"It's from Harry," Ron said, quickly reading through the hastily scribbled note. "He wants us to meet him down at the pitch."
"Was he released from the hospital wing?"
"Doesn't say," said Ron, scanning the note again. "It just says to meet him there now."
Just a short while ago Harry had refused to see them. Ron didn't know what had caused him to have a sudden change of heart or why he wanted to meet them outside of the school, away from everyone else, but they would find out soon enough.
He and Hermione grabbed their cloaks and left Gryffindor Tower.
Harry was already standing in the middle of the pitch waiting for them when they arrived. He was dressed in muggle clothes with his winter cloak over top.
Hermione held herself back at first. Harry finally wanted to see them so she didn't want to overwhelm him. But her relief and joy at seeing him won out over her logical reasoning. She embraced him in a tight hug, feeling Harry go very stiff for a few seconds before he returned the hug but not nearly as fiercely. That was okay with Hermione. That in itself was a positive response.
"Your scar is fading," she said, looking at his forehead.
"Yeah, it is," he said, unconsciously reaching up to touch it. Madam Pomfrey seemed to think in another month it'll be gone altogether. My other abilities have disappeared," he informed them, which they probably already knew since he had at least told Remus that much. He knew that Ginny's connection to him was gone as well.
"We could have just come to the hospital wing," said Ron. "What's with all the secretive stuff anyways?" He hadn't needed to send Hedwig to find them. He could have gotten one of his brothers or someone else to do it.
Harry shoved his hands deep into the pockets of his robes. "I'm leaving," he stated, looking at his friends. "I don't know for how long but I didn't want everyone to make a big deal out of it, so I'm just going to take off."
"You're joking, right?" Ron said to him. "You haven't talked to us in over a week and the first thing you want to say to us is good bye?" He turned to Hermione, knowing she would support him on this but she didn't seem to be nearly as upset as he was.
"I already knew," she said to him. "Ginny told me."
"Ginny knew?" He exclaimed. Ron was confused now. As far as he could tell Harry and Ginny weren't even on speaking terms.
"I told her before the attack on the school happened," Harry said. "I wanted her to understand – " He cut himself off, saying, "it doesn't matter anymore. But that's why she was so upset when you found her leaving our dorm."
Ron looked stunned. That had been weeks ago. Only Harry would leave an important detail like that out when he had been so close to slugging him for hurting his sister. He didn't know what was more shocking – the fact he had told Ginny first or that he had obviously been planning on taking off for some time.
"Where are you going to go?" Hermione asked, hoping he would at least tell them that much.
"I'm leaving wizard world, I just don't know where I'm going yet," Harry replied truthfully.
"I'm sorry but I'm the only person here who hasn't had weeks to get used to the idea of you leaving," Ron said angrily. "I get what you've been through, Harry. But I don't understand how you think running away from everything is going to make things better."
"Ron, this is what I need to do," Harry spoke, his voice neither angry nor raised. "Voldemort is gone and I need figure out where I fit in. It might sound stupid but that's how I feel. And after how I handled things with Voldemort, I know I don't want that to ever happen to me again. I don't want to choose power over the things that really matter to me."
Ron took everything he had been saying in, but that didn't change how he felt. He kept his arms folded across his chest and his stance rigid.
He had been expecting Ron's reaction, but even knowing that Harry couldn't alter his decision, even if it meant his best friend hating him for a while. Hermione was already silently crying, so he tried not to look at her for too long for fear he might start falling apart as well.
"I'll write once I get settled somewhere," he promised them.
Hermione couldn't restrain herself any longer. She threw her arms around Harry, crying openly now. Harry looked over her at Ron, not wanting to leave on bad terms. Ron stared back at him for a long moment before he finally broke out of his angry state and mouthed the word 'mental' to him. Harry chuckled, causing Hermione to pull away from him.
"I think it's wonderful how you both can put aside your differences to laugh at me in a right emotional state," she said, pretending to sound offended.
Ron tugged at her hand and pulled her back a bit. "Give the bloke some air, unless you're looking to send him back to the hospital wing."
Before things could get far too emotional and awkward, Harry pulled out a couple of folded pieces of parchment from inside his robes. "Give this to Remus for me," he said, handing the first addressed letter to Ron. "And to Ginny," he said handing Ron the other one as well.
As he handed over the one addressed to Ginny, Harry realized he probably should have put an unbreakable charm on it to keep her from ripping it to pieces, but it was too late for that now. Ginny would have to decide for herself if she wanted to read it or not.
He reached inside his robes and pulled out one last folded letter addressed to the two people in front of him. "I'm not really good with feelings and stuff like that," he began. "So instead of standing here sounding like a blubbering idiot, I wrote it all down. I mean it probably still sounds horrible but I needed to say some things," he finished, handing the last letter over to Ron and Harry was grateful he didn't start reading it right then and there. Even if he had been an expert writer, words still wouldn't have been enough to express what their friendship and everything they had done really meant to him. Despite everyone who had died along the way, he knew that if something had happened to either one of them he wouldn't have wanted to go on living. Sirius's death had hit him hardest by far, but living without one or both of his best friends was not something he would be strong enough to bear.
When Hermione hugged him again, she didn't say anything this time. After a bit of awkwardness and some prodding from Hermione, he and Ron exchanged a quick embrace.
As Harry walked away from his friends, the one word that was never uttered was good-bye, because that would have made his departure seem permanent. He would never abandon the place that had become his home and the people in it that had become the family he had always wanted but never thought he would have.
It might take some time, but Harry would be back. He knew that without a doubt.
The End