AOSHI: The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual

The Care and Keeping of Our Favorite Okashira

Disclaimer: I do not own Rurouni Kenshin or "The Owner's Guide and Maintenance Manual" series. This story was completely inspired by Hikari Hrair-rah's outtake of Theresa Green's series.

Author's Note:

W00t! My owner's guides for SETA SOUJIRO and SAITOU HAJIME were received by open arms from the public! You guys so rock! Here, for it's next performance, is the third in the series: SHINOMORI AOSHI! I may or may not be writing more of these, but there's a good chance that I won't. Sorry, my lovely readers, but I have been struck by a dreaded Naruto bug and am currently hopping to that section multiple times a day.

One of the reasons I'm writing this in particular is because of a rather stupid miff the Soujiro/Misao fans had with the Aoshi/Misao fans because of some really, really dumb n00b. Consider this a gift of friendship, goodwill, and... and stuff!

Well, I wish you all squirrels, good health, and much time in front of the computer! Enjoy!

CONGRATULATIONS!

You are now the proud owner of a SHINOMORI AOSHI unit, the proud leader of the Oniwa-Banshu! To insure you get the most out of your new unit, please pay close attention to all following instructions.

Basic Information:

Name: Shinomori Aoshi (also responds to Okashira, Aoshi-sama, and 'Oh, What a Big Kodachi!')

Date of Manufacture: Around January of 16 BME (Before Meji Era–1861)

Place of Manufacture: Disclosed Information

Height: 189 cm (roughly 6"2)

Weight: 72 kg (roughly 159 lbs)

Length: Shorter than most models', but possibly even more skilled with use

Your SHINOMORI AOSHI will come with the following accessories:

One White Cape

One Navy Blue Shirt

One Pair Navy Blue Pants

One Pair Black Socks

One Pair Fine Italian Shoes

One Pair Kodachi

(Some models also come with the I'm So Sexy Fishnet Shirt©)

Open your SHINOMORI AOSHI inside a temple for least chance of being skewered by that talented, long, and hard weapon of mass destruction of his. Before you open the box, please be sure you have incense burning and tea waiting. This process calms the unit and pacifies it so it will listen to reason. You may want to have your SETA SOUJIRO do this, as he is very, very good at manipulating SHINOMORI AOSHI units.

Programming:

Your SHINOMORI AOSHI comes programmed with the latest state of the art software that is compatible with the following tasks.

Bodyguard: Unlike other models of ours, the SHINOMORI AOSHI unit will grudging allow itself to be hired out to be a bodyguard, or if you prefer, guard you yourself. With his famous Kaiten Kenbu (and Kaiten Kenbu versions), he will slice and dice your enemies into little bite-sized pieces. It would be a wise decision to take the money he earned away from him.

Leader: With his height and definite 'yum yum' factor, SHINOMORI AOSHI units do well leading others, whether it be a group of ninja or a choir of children. He usually makes wise decisions when it comes to activities, and is loyal to the point where God definitely didn't intend man to be. (Warning: SHINOMORI AOSHI units have a tendency to do the wrong thing when depressed or very sleepy.)

Martial Arts Teacher: Surprisingly enough, SHINOMORI AOSHI units work very well with small children. With his patience, he makes an excellent teacher of kenpo, whether it be to highly disfigured spies or small children who later fall in love with him.

Grave Tender: SHINOMORI AOSHI units do well with graves, tending them until they are impossibly neat and kills any trespassers who dare desecrate them. Hire him out to the neighborhood cemetery!

Model: Come on! The man's gorgeous, and he looks drool-o-tastic in shirts with holes. Why not make that a job and force him down a few catwalks? With his cool manner and beautiful face, he'll have no trouble being Abercombie and Fitch's top underwear model.

Your SHINOMORI AOSHI comes in the following modes:

CCC (Cold, Calm, and Collected) (default)

Angsty

Super Angsty (commonly called Brood-O-Tastic)

Demonic

Out of Character (locked)

Please note that some owners of SHINOMORI AOSHI units will have a hard time deciphering the difference between CCC and Demonic Modes, because during Demonic Mode, SHINOMORI AOSHI units will be just as cold and calm as he is when he is in his CCC Mode. However, there are a few symptoms of Demonic mode, as in a newfound habit of killing OKINA units and terrorizing TAKANI MEGUMI units.

While your SHINOMORI AOSHI does not have a Slash Mode, it is easy to program it when your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit is in Out of Character Mode.

Relations to other units:

ONIWA BANSHU (Disfigured Set): Your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit will have a fierce loyalty towards his friends, and will stand by them no matter what. You may notice that if your ONIWA BANSHU (disfigured set) is hurt or destroyed, your SHINOMORI AOSHI automatically switches to Super Angsty Mode, which may or may not progress to Demonic Mode.

ONIWA BANSHU (Kyoto Set): While SHINOMORI AOSHI units used to be close to his Kyoto Set friends, after leaving Kyoto, he may start to have a dislike of them. If he joins SHISHIO MAKOTO in his quest to take over Japan, he may try to even kill OKINA units (packaged with the Kyoto Set). But don't worry, it's a one time thing. After the near death encounter, OKINA and SHINOMORI AOSHI units will usually be comrades again.

MAKIMACHI MISAO: MAKIMACHI MISAO units used to be strongly compatible, but after MAKIMACHI MISAO units hit puberty, SHINOMORI AOSHI units have a hard time getting close with the Ninja Girl again. It is possible, however, for SHINOMORI AOSHI and MAKIMACHI MISAO units to be friends to be close again (See Frequently Asked Questions).

HIMURA KENSHIN: Your SHINOMORI AOSHI will beg you to let him fight HIMURA KENSHIN units because of an inbuilt chip made to fill SHINOMORI AOSHI units with a large amount of pride. He will, in the end, be defeated by any HIMURA KENSHIN units, because no matter what, the rurouni is still be the better swordsman. This will even happen when your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit is in Demonic Mode.

SAITOU HAJIME: Though your SHINOMORI AOSHI and SAITOU HAJIME units may not have met for long, they will still be strangely compatible with each other. We believe it's because they are both tall.

SHISHIO MAKOTO: Your SHINOMORI AOSHI may become a baddie and join SHISHIO MAKOTO units in his plan to take over Japan (commonly called the Kuni Tori Virus). He does not, however, have a strong connection with SHISHIO MAKOTO units and will have no problem turning his nose on the burnt sausage.

SETA SOUJIRO: For some strange reason, SHINOMORI AOSHI units have a strong time denying SETA SOUJIRO units of anything, even with joining him and SHISHIO MAKOTO in taking over Japan. Because of this inanely built chip, you may want to keep SETA SOUJIRO units away from SHINOMORI AOSHI units.

HOJI: SHINOMORI AOSHI units feel a weird need to allow HOJI units to screw itself over. He may cause HOJI units to get some of SHISHIO MAKOTO's best spies tortured and killed.

TAKANI MEGUMI: SHINOMORI AOSHI units will feel very little sympathy for TAKANI MEGUMI units, but if your TAKANI MEGUMI unit is suicidal, your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit will provide her with a dagger. He may also threaten her when he is in his Demonic Mode.

TAKEDA KANRYU: SHINOMORI AOSHI units will work for TAKEDA KANTRYU units, but will feel no sense of loyalty towards him at all. He will feel a strong dislike for the drug/arms dealer and may have an urge to kill him once in a while. This urge will be even more strong and irrepressible after your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit's disfigured friends are killed.

ABUKUMA FOUR (ABUKUMA YON NYUDO): If your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit finds the ABUKUMA FOUR desecrating the graves of his friends, he will instantly and elegantly kill them. By any chance, you like your four, big, ungraceful, ugly lumps of minion, please make sure they stay away from any SHINOMORI AOSHI units.

Cleaning:

It is essential that you keep your SHINOMORI AOSHI units clean and free of dirt or blood. Feel free to bring him to a neighborhood creek and dunking him in. You may also play one of his favorite games, "Hide and Go Find Aoshi-sama's Kodachi of Doom". That game may be interpreted differently by each owner.

Warning: Ifyou have a spouse and would still like to play "Hide and Go Find Aoshi-sama's Kodachi of Doom", please find a private neighborhood creek. We are not liable for any marital problems caused on behalf of SHINOMORI AOSHI units.

Energy:

For some reason, SHINOMORI AOSHI units will have a hard time eating anything. He will be fine on a diet of green tea. SHINOMORI AOSHI units recharge themselves during meditation so he may not need sleep, either. If you want to sneak him to bed and continue a game of "Hide and Go Find Aoshi-sama's Kodachi of Doom", please make sure the door is locked... and the room sound proofed... and your spouse in another room... put to sleep on one large sleeping pill... You may notice that when relaxed, your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit's eyes will smolder like hungry flames, and his body will melt to your every touch... And his lips will whisper your name when you finally find that Kodachi of Doom... And...

(Editor's Note: At this moment, Wicked Enough had to leave her writing andenjoy one long, icy cold shower.)

Frequently Asked Questions:

Q: My SHINOMORI AOSHI unit has torn the heads off of four of my stuffed animals and buried them in the backyard. Um, what's going on?

A: We apologize for that... problem. SHINOMORI AOSHI units have a natural born urge to pretend that his friends are dead and pray for their souls, swearing revenge for them and saying that he will honor them by giving them the flower of the strongest, etc. The solution to this problem is to just let him go as he is. Luckily, this is a one time thing. (Warning: Please don't accidently desecrate the stuffed animal graves. Your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit may get angry.)

Q: Hey, is there a reason my SHINOMORI AOSHI unit hisses every time he sees machine guns, even if they're on TV?

A: Unfortunately, your SHINOMORI AOSHI's pals were killed by a machine gun wielding madman, who shot each of the ONIWA BANSHU (Disfigured Set) multiple times as they tried to protect him. This is why he has such a hate for them.

Q: I want my SHINOMORI AOSHI and MAKIMACHI MISAO units to be friends again. Actually, I want them to be more than just friends. However, Ice Man is still cold, and Ninja Girl is getting bored. What can I do?

A: Every SHINOMORI AOSHI unit has an obsessive attachment to tea, so start having your Ninja Girl bring him that magic drink and pretty soon he'll start warming up to her again. It might help if you tell your Ninja Girl not to bother him too much when he's meditating.

Q: My SHINOMORI AOSHI unit mutters "Shijiko. Hyottoko. Beshimi. Hannya." over and over, usually followed by, "I'll give the flower of the strongest," and "Kill the Battousai." Is my model defective, or does he have schizophrenia?

A: No, your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit isn't schizo, and he's not defective. What your SHINOMORI AOSHI has is the infamously common Dead Friend Virus. You can 'cure' your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit by allowing him to fight a HIMURA KENSHIN unit. He will be defeated, but in the process he will learn the truth about himself and the result, we are sure, will please you.

Q: I hate how my SHINOMORI AOSHI shows no respect towards me. Can I get him to start calling me Master so we can just call it a day?

A: First of all, we have a few questions on why you'd even want your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit to cal you Master... Isn't Honey Bunny sweeter? Second of all, to answer your question, no, you can't get your SHINOMORI AOSHI to call you master. He has been Okashira to the Oniwa Banshu since he was 15 and therefore does not like to be an underling. He also doesn't have any form of loyalty towards you. You can get him to respect you by defeating him in battle, but that chance is very slim. We say that you just stick with being called your name and call that a day.

Q: I love my SHINOMORI AOSHI unit! I want more!

A: Sorry, because of the incredible number of orders for SHINOMORI AOSHI units, there is a limit for one per fangirl. You may consider to breed him, however, with the female unit of your choice. Just tell him to plug Object A into Object B and pretty sure you'll have little ninja boys running around.

Troubleshooting:

Problem: Okay, I understand that my SHINOMORI AOSHI set was traumatized and has had a hard life, but can I get him to lighten up? It's really starting to piss me off how he's always angsting and stuff.

Solution: Sorry Ma'am/Sir, but your SHINOMORI AOSHI comes with Angst as one of his main modes. If you only bought him for his looks, we're sorry to say that you're shallow and that we probably would have done the same. However, if you truly want your SHINOMORI AOSHI to stop being so cold, you could unlock his Out of Character Mode and force him to be genki.

Problem: I followed your directions for getting my MAKIMACHI MISAO and SHINOMORI AOSHI units together, but it's been two years and I still don't see any cuddling. Why not!

Solution: Ah, you have a stubborn one. You might have to sneak up behind your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit when he's meditating and hit him over the head with a serving platter to give him amnesia. You may have to hit him pretty hard, though, so this may not for the guilt-ridden. However, if this does work, your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit may now be able to get close to the Ninja Girl again.

Problem: I want my SHINOMORI AOSHI unit to work for the army, as he is an excellent leader and fighter, but he keeps refusing. Why?

Solution: As said before, SHINOMORI AOSHI unit have a very strong sense of loyalty. He will not work for anyone if his friends (ONIWA BANSHU, Disfigured Set) aren't also offered jobs. You may want to try to convince the army to take in a hulking, fire breathing man, a guy specialized in throwing projectiles such as darts, a spy who can disappear at will, and a huge mass of muscle if you truly want your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit to work in the army.

Problem: My SHINOMORI AOSHI has anger problems which involve kicking people into bookshelves. Help!

Solution: It may do your SHINOMORI AOSHI unit good if you take him to a HIMURA KENSHIN unit so they can talk about his problems. Chances are, in one good trade of secret techniques, your SHINOMORI AOSHI will be back to his cool and refined self.

Final Note:

With proper care and maintenance, your SHINOMORI AOSHI, a certified Bishonen©, will live to an old, old age. However, you must accept the fact that when he starts meditating for longer and longer periods that his time in the world is coming to an end. We suggest that you send him with his ninja girl to a nice mountain retreat, where he can meditate in peace and live out his life in solitude. In the meantime, enjoy him while you can!