As you enter you notice that the room isn't empty like it usually is. You already know that this chapter is going to be different.
A smiling girl with her two cats greet you. They're seated next to a large pile of papers.
"Hello!"
"Salutations!"
"Greetings earthlings!"
Milady smacked Crookshanks backhandedly. "You're not an alien. They don't exist."
He stuck out his index finger. It glowed red. In a creepy voice, Crookshanks said, "E.T. phone home."
Milady sighed. "Sometimes I wonder where the kneazle in you went."
"It probably ran off with your kindness." He made a ridiculous face, forcing his nose to resemble a pig. Meanwhile, Milady stuck out her tongue.
"Alright, enough with the bickering, you two," said Lylian. She then addressed you, "I guess we should begin. Okay, pretend you never read the last chapter. Pretend it doesn't exist because the majority of my reviewers liked #1, and I figured I'd go more for quirky and less with angst.
"Shall we continue?"
Crookshanks was the only living being that occupied the common room that night. After the Welcoming Feast, Hermione had locked herself in her bedroom, Malfoy had done the same, and Milady refused to spend more time than necessary with him. He figured she was doing some exploring of the grounds just as he had done his first year at Hogwarts. Milady had been out for a while, and Crookshanks was hoping beyond hope that she had encountered the Whomping Willow.
After a good, hearty round of Rub-Yourself-On-The-Carpet, Crookshanks figured it was time to visit his human, whom he hadn't bothered all night. He skipped up the stairs until reaching the door with a "Head Girl" plaque nailed to it. The cat pushed, shoved, and leaned on the door, but it refused to open. He even sunk so low as to sticking his paw underneath the doorway.
His attempts were useless. The door wouldn't move. So Crookshanks sat, staring at the door handle waiting for it to jiggle or do something to disprove its immobility. He waited and waited and waited.
"Open," Crookshanks commanded.
It didn't budge.
"Open sesame," he tried again.
Still closed.
"Hocus pocus."
Nothing.
"Abra Cadabra."
When the door still remained shut, Crookshanks began to fume in the ears.
"Fine! AVADA KEDAVRA!" he shouted.
The door did not drop dead and neither did it open. So the cat sat (in a hat on a mat waiting to receive a pat from a bat), and he thought very hard; so hard that a vein in his temple was about to burst.
Maybe Hermione was abducted by aliens! ...No that wouldn't do because according to Milady, "aliens don't exist". Or maybe Hermione had been studying so hard that her brain had finally crumpled into a heap. She must've gone brain dead. But classes hadn't even started (since when did that stop her?).
Crookshanks took a sharp inhale of breath. A stroke of brilliance had come to him. The reason the door wouldn't open was because Hermione wasn't in that room. In fact, it wasn't even her room at all. Crookshanks knew the solution; Hermione was not Head Girl, as he had been gullibly led to believe, but Head BOY.
It was hard to tell with these humans, they all looked alike. But Crookshanks knew instinctively that he was correct. Hermione did seem to have more male-ish characteristics that he did female. How could he be so stupid this whole time? Of course Hermione was a he not a she.
Crookshanks marched straight up to the door on the opposite end of the hallway and, to his luck, the door was not closed all the way. His pushing on the door helped, and the cat climbed on in.
The room was dim. Crookshanks could just make the outline of his human sleeping on the king-sized bed.
His grin was that of a Cheshire cat's. This gave him ample opportunity to do what he had come to do; be a bothersome pest to Hermione.
Crookshanks crept up on him slowly, as if stalking his prey. He landed silently on the bed and tip-toed towards his face. Crookshanks saw only the back of Hermione's silky head.
The tabby cat bent his head towards his human's ear and clamped down on it.
"AHHHHHHHH!" he screamed.
Except it wasn't the right he. The scream did not come from He-Hermione but from He-Malfoy.
"Uh-oh," Crookshanks said to himself.
Malfoy threw Crookshanks off him to the other side of the room. He struggled in the dark for the switch of the lamp. Squinting in the brightness, Malfoy searched for his attacker.
There was a shuffle of feet outside of his bedroom door and Hermione burst in.
"What is it? What's wrong?" Hermione said breathlessly, with only a nightgown on.
"That thing," Malfoy pointed to Crookshanks in a cross manner, "tried to kill me in my sleep."
She looked to across the room to find her cat with widened eyes.
"Crookshanks," reprimanded Hermione (who was now known to be a she not a he), "what have I told you about killing people so blatantly?"
It took a moment for Draco to note the sarcasm in her voice. "Oh hardy har, har, Granger. What did you do, put him up to it?"
She snorted and walked in his room to pick up her pet. "No, but don't give me ideas."
"Keep your murderous cat out of my room."
"Keep your door shut."
Both their panic had subsided. They were given time to observe one another. Draco had a severe case of bed-head, and Hermione's eyes closed as she gave out a big yawn. Draco and Hermione were too sleepy to argue. There was no venom when they spoke, only sleeplessness.
"Better get to bed then," she said, making her way out.
"Yes, and try to forget about how your fur-ball nearly gave me another piercing."
Her ears perked up. "Another piercing?"
Hermione was halfway out the door. As she said this Draco, pushed her out.
"You know what they say," Draco smirked a little. "Curiosity killed the cat." And he shut the door in her face.
Hermione dropped Crookshanks, muttering, "Pompous prat. When you think he's finally acting civil..."
Milady had been wandering the halls all night. The halls were empty and silent, except for the occasional grunting noises she'd hear in closed broom closet, but Milady was sure to pass over those doors completely.
There were thousands of artworks that Milady looked upon. She passed by portraits of eccentric knights, tapestries of barmy men being viciously attacked by trolls, statues of grotesque looking witches with backsides like camels, and a particularly noticeable painting of a woman in a white dress sitting in a dimly lit room with only one window.
Exploring had done Milady some good. She knew where things were and most of the layout of the school now, but Milady had yet to find a place that suited her.
That was until she found the huge sculpture of the Sibilant Serpent. It was coiled around a column with its head a meter below the vaulted ceiling, dipped as if to hiss at anyone that entered the abandoned corridor. When she climbed the adder, Milady discovered a hidden area behind the sculpture's head where she could fit snugly in.
Just as twilight faded, Milady closed her eyes to take her first nap of the day. Hogwarts seemed to be a very bizarre but interesting place.
Morning came and went, with Hermione explaining every detail of her agony with Malfoy as Head Boy. Harry and Ron, of course, offered to experiment Fred and George's jokes on the ferret, but Hermione reluctantly refused their offer, saying she'd rather a human than a rodent as a partner, thank you very much.
That didn't stop them from talking.
"We could use Canary Creams," Ron said excitedly.
"Overrated. How about Fainting Fancies?" Harry replied.
"Not enough pain or embarrassment. Why don't we just do it the old fashioned way?" Ron flexed his now-developed muscles.
"Nah...Oh, got it! Bulbadox powder!" Harry's eyebrows raised in anticipation of Ron's answer.
"No," Hermione answered for him. "I said no already. This is getting really immature. Bulbadox powder is very harmful in large doses." At first their exchange was funny, but this was a little far. It almost seemed as if they both meant harm.
"Oh, come off it Hermione. We're just having a little fun," said Ron, waving her off.
"Ronald, you are a prefect. I suggest you start acting like it, unless you want that position taken away."
She changed the subject abruptly. "C'mon. Class starts in seven minutes."
Hermione headed out of the Great Hall. Ron followed after her, grumbling but not doing much more than that. It seems someone had matured beyond the constant bickering.
Harry was quietly reading the schedule Professor McGonagall handed him. They walked to the first class listed on their time tables: Advanced Potions with the Slytherins. Some things never changed.
Advanced Potions was horrible, but what was new?
There was a new school rule which demanded that any assignment or work that needed pairing up was to be done so with opposite houses. So when Hermione was paired up with Draco Malfoy, all she could do was mutter under her breath, "spiffing" and get on with her life.
Their work was done in a silent tension. Their exchanges were short. And when they did speak, it was polite but cold.
"I'll split the ichthyicus and would you like to stir the potion?" Hermione said callously.
"Sure, Mudblood," he added.
Hermione gave a little "hmph" and whispered warningly, "Watch it, ferret."
"Hermione," Ron called in a seat near them, "Is anything a matter?"
"Not at all," said Hermione, glancing at Malfoy. She grit her teeth. "We're doing just fine, thanks."
"Oh Weasel. Trying to act the protective boyfriend? You know, she never liked you and always will. Besides, just between purebloods, isn't that going a little low?"
"Shut your face Malfoy," said Ron as he abruptly turned around to face him. In doing so, he knocked over the contents of their potion all over them.
"Ron!" cried Hermione.
"I swear, Weasley, they should have just named you 'Idiot' for convenience." That was Malfoy.
Ron's eyes widened as the side effects began to take affect.
"Is it getting hot in here, or is it just me?" Malfoy had spite enough to smirk, though he loosened his tie.
"Shut up, Malfoy," Hermione said, but despite herself, she lifted her hair away from her face.
"It is getting hot in here," she said, fanning herself with her hands.
Both began to pant deeply.
Hermione felt like she was sitting in a furnace with the flames just below her, devouring her, burning her. She lifted her robes over her head and tossed it on the ground.
They began to sweat profusely. Because their warming potion was far from complete, it was not warm but scalding hot.
Malfoy had taken his robes off also, just as the Potions Master took notice.
"Hey, none of that riff-raff in this classroom."
The two students didn't take notice. The only things on their mind were the burning fire, heat, and the invisible flames that were engulfing their bodies.
"Professor, the potion spilled on them," answered Ron.
The professor quickly handed them the antidote to the potion while Hermione was shaking her shoes and knee-length socks off. Malfoy quickly swallowed a spoonful and gave it to Hermione. She drank it and waited.
But the flames were still there, still burning.
In between short pants of breath, Hermione said, "It's not working Professor. The potion wasn't finished."
The Potion's master facial expression clearly stated, "Oh dear."
Malfoy cursed under his breath for what he was about to do and began to unbutton his collared shirt. Halfway through this (much to the disappointment of some female students), the professor said, "Aguamenti," and both Hermione and Malfoy were drenched in water (the girls were content after this).
Hermione sighed with relief, when, about ten seconds later, she began to burn up again. Malfoy was no different.
"Alright, go to the infirmary and use Aguamenti every few seconds on each other. Madam Pomfrey will be able to help you."
The Gryffindor and Slytherin exited, not caring about their appearances, but just trying to get to the Hospital wing without scorching.
Seeing Malfoy in his current state (sweating, completely wet, and sporting an unbuttoned shirt), Hermione waved her wand saying, "Aguamenti," and Malfoy did the same to her.
If they weren't occupying their mouths with the Aguamenti spell, Malfoy would have cursed Hermione into oblivion for her friend's idiocy, and Hermione would be screaming at him to stop starring at her now-wet t-shirt. Both were so busy cursing one another that they barely noticed a shout of, "WEASLEY, DETENTION!" coming from the dungeons.
Crookshanks walked furtively. The wind was brushing his matted fur, and the swooshing covered the sounds of his paws pattering the ground. He was covered by the night as he crept up towards a silhouette of Milady sitting near the lake.
Milady seemed to be an awful sort of cat. She walked as if she owned the place, even though it was only her second day at Hogwarts. Being unpleasant to Crookshanks must have been the stupidest thing she'd ever done because her new rival had a few tricks up his sleeve as repayment of her unkindness.
This was Milady's first time exploring the outdoors. She sat lapping up water from the aqua-blue lake. Unbeknownst to her, she would soon be flying into the deep waters.
Crookshanks pattered, tip-toed, and scooted to Milady soundlessly. He halted as the feline lifted her head and twisted her ears backwards. Satisfied that she was alone, Milady shook her head and continued drinking. It was the opportune moment to catch her off guard.
"RWARR!" shouted Crookshanks. Milady leapt twenty feet in the air and...
SPLASH!
...landed in the lake.
Her soaking wet head bobbed to the surface just to see Crookshanks laughing his arse off on the dry land.
Milady screamed, splashed, and sputtered. "I cannot believe you! You evil son of a...crazed madcat, unbearable hairball, foolish dreg of the lowlifes. I hate you!"
Crookshanks wasn't listening, only laughing and watching as she struggled in the water. When Milady reached land, she scooted to Crookshanks, ugly, smelly,and sopping wet, and extracted her claws. Crookshanks had seen this coming. Just as he was about to be scratched once more, he yelled, "Marshall!" very loudly.
Milady froze in her position as something splashed behind her. A moonlit shadow cast upon her and a tentacle wrapped around her waist.
"Ahh!" She struggled but nothing could be done.
Crookshanks grinned. He was glad he was on friendly terms with the Giant Squid. "Thanks Marshall," Crookshanks said. "You can just throw her around a little, if you want."
Marshall the Giant Squid gave him a thumbs up.
As Crookshanks left for the common room, death threats and yelps were the only things he heard.
"I can't believe your friend. I don't even know why he's in Advanced Potions; he's so stupid."
"Malfoy, if you hadn't provoked him, that wouldn't have happened. Now shut up." Hermione acted civil as Professor Sinistra crossed them in the halls, smiling. Malfoy inclined his head and quit his slander.
As they reached the entrance to their common room, Malfoy said maliciously, "Your boy-toy's going to get it from me, Mudblood." He clenched his fist near his chest.
Hermione fumed; she was tired of the friend-insulting, the name calling and the provoking implements of her being a slut.
"Malfoy. That's it!" She raised her hand about to slap him, when Professor McGonagall turned their corner.
"What do you two think you're doing," she gasped at the sight before her.
The Head Girl and Head Boy were frozen in their positions. Malfoy's face tinted pink and Hermione hung her mouth open.
"Professor McGonagall! Oh...umm...we were just, uh," Hermione looked at Malfoy's clenched fist, "playing Rock, Paper, Scissors! Yeah, that's it. You see I had Paper and Mal—Draco here had Rock. So you see, I won."
McGonagall raised an eyebrow, unconvinced. "Won what exactly?"
Hermione glanced at the portrait. "I get to pick the password this week," she answered quickly.Malfoy nodded in agreement.
"Did you not just get the password yesterday?" the professor questioned skeptically.
"Oh yeah," replied Draco when Hermione seemed to have lost her train of thought. "But we didn't think that 'Mandrake Buttocks' suited us. We figured 'House Unity' was much more Head Boy and Head Girl-esque. Correct?" It was Hermione's turn to nod.
McGonagall sifted her gaze from Draco to Hermione and finally said, "Right. Well, the reason I came here was to inform you that you will be holding a Prefect's meeting this Friday after classes. You will need to inform the current prefects. Here are the documents you will be needing. I expect you to have everything ready by that time. Good day."
She tilted her head and left.
Hermione and Draco sighed.
"That was close. We'll have to watch it next time."
Draco just snorted and said to their portrait, "Mandrake Buttocks." The picture of Wilbert the White Crappie shook his head.
"Actually, Malfoy, the new password is 'House Unity,' remember?" Smirking, Hermione entered the opened portrait.
"Know-it-all."
Crookshanks was curled up on a sheepskin rug in front of a warm fire when Milady waltzed in. Her usually perfectly groomed mane was now sticking out in all directions.
Crookshankslaughed hysterically when she entered.
Milady walked up to him and, after licking her paw and brushing her hair back, spoke to Crookshanks in a malevolent tone. "You think this is funny, do you?"
Between wheezing, he replied, "Do you really want me to answer that?"
Milady seethed. "Go ahead and laugh now. Laugh all you want. This is the only time you'll be able to."
His laughter ceased to the occasional hiccup. "Right," Crookshanks answered unbelievingly.
"Just wait," whispered Milady. "You don't know who you're dealing with."
With that, Milady gracefully walked up the stairs and into her human's room.
Crookshanks snorted. "That ending sucked."
"What are you talking about?" screeched Lylian. "That was such a good ending!"
"I don't think so. Why does Milady get to be the one leaving threats?"
"Oh do shut up," said Milady. "You should be happy. Lylian gave you a lot of scenes to yourself."
"Hey yeah, that's true." Crookshanks grinned happily.
"And she only gave me one," Milady complained.
Lylian groaned. "Not you too."
"Oh yes, 'me too'! I want more scenes."
Sighing, Lylian answered, "Don't worry. The next chapter."
"Yay!" Milady squealed.
"Don't get your knickers in a bunch," muttered the narrator.
Milady raised an invisible eyebrow. "I wasn't aware I was wearing anything."
"It's an expression!" Lylian said aggravatedly.
"You know," said Crookshanks, "what you just said would have sounded so bad if you weren't a cat."
Milady sniggered. "I know."
"You two have such dirty minds!" Lylian said. "Well, I guess now is the best time to get on with the thanking. And you know what?" she asked excitedly. "You guys get to have my very own autographs! Yay!"
Lylian picked up the stack of papers next to her. "When I call out your name, take one. Serena Tasneem, mistress-eos14, foxy (how could I forget you hun? You're the sweetest!), Trackstarbabie1200, angelps7, Slim Shady, Skittlehog, and Steelo!"
Milady snorted, "You swear you're famous."
"What?" said Lylian scandalized.
"Don't mind her, Lyls," said Crookshanks. "She's just jealous."
Milady glared.
"Well yeah. I love you guys so much! I hope you liked this chapter. It's the longest one yet. TEN pages! Wow I'm so proud of myself, even if it did take really long.
"Oh I have a contest for you guys! Yay, don't you love these things? Well in 'Milady's Scene' there were descriptions artworks. If you canname all four of them, then you win (insert drumroll here) a lifesized Fred Weasley Action Figure (taken from A Bit Like Love by Skittlehog. Read it!)! I know you want it. You're just drooling for it, aren't you?"
"Hmm," said Crookshanks. "I've been needing a new chew toy."
"Oh hush 'Shanky! This is a once in a lifetime offer! It's something you just can't refuse. Try the contest!"
"You sound like a walking advertisement," drawled Milady.
"Alright, ta-ta you guys. Til next time. Please review, because reviews are my addiction." Lylian opened the door for the cats, and Milady and Crookshanks strolled out. She then turned to you and spoke.
"Psst. I really am giving out autographs. Email me and I'll hand-write a letter to you and take a picture of it!" Lylian giggled.
Crookshanks and Milady groaned from the other side of the doorway. "Lylian!"
Click.