Spoilers - Only minor ones, and nothing essential to the plot. But if you haven't read HBP yet, it's your fault if you read spoilers by mistake. I mean, it's been nearly a month now...

Author's Note - I, like many other people, judging from other fanfics I've read recently, thought that Tonks and Remus's relationship in Half Bood Prince was just... out of nowhere. So this is something along the lines of what I think might have occurred to make Tonks so depressed. Hope you like it! Please note that this is purely my imagination; I tried to keep it as faithful to events in HBP as possible, but I probably messed something up. Oh yeah, and I (to the best of my knowledge) made up Tonks's nickname. Hehe. I have a feeling only Remus would be able to call her it without being hexed, too.

Disclaimer - I own absolutely nothing in this story. I wish I did, but then again I wish I could fly, too.

Alone Again

Where was I? I looked around: a few garbage cans, a brick wall opposite me. A narrow alleyway, one I didn't recognize. A sleek tabby cat a few feet away arched it's back and hissed, perhaps viewing me as a threat now that I was awake.

I stood, stretching, sore after apparently falling asleep here. What time was it? I looked at my wrist before remembering that I never wear a watch. So I looked up at the sky instead to be treated with a glorious sunrise. The light must have woken me, I thought, now concentrating on the most pressing problem.

Looks like London... I walked stiffly across the alley for a look at the end of it. Near... Grimmauld Place?

Now I could remember, though I immediately wished I hadn't. The Department of Mysteries, Sirius dead, me in St. Mungo's, finally leaving, returning to headquarters, and...

Now I knew why I had been sleeping here in the alleyway, and woken confused. I tried to battle off the memory, but I was forced to relive it, holding off the flood of emotion that accompanied it, and tears.

"Remus?" I knocked on the door, but he didn't answer. Sighing, I pushed it open anyway. "You've been in here all day. What's wrong?"

Again no answer. He was laying on the bed, staring at the ceiling, and giving no sign that he had even heard me. I sighed again, and crossed the room to sit on the edge of it. "It's Sirius, isn't it?"

"It's just so hard to believe that he's gone. When he was in Azkaban I didn't know, I thought he was the spy. But now... Now it's worse, realizing I'm the last of the Marauders. James is dead, Peter has left forever, and Sirius..."

He seemed unable to finish the sentence. He was still staring at the ceiling, but having someone to talk to was making him seem a little less depressed.

"Before Azkaban, Sirius was always there for me. Every full moon. And after he broke out, he was there again. I can't stand the thought of the next one, when..." There was a bitterness in his voice that made me think, though his face was expressionless and emotionless, he was crying inside.

"Is there... Could I...?"

I was surprised to see him smile. "You're not an Animagus, Nymphadora. I have no control as a wolf, I'd bite you. I wouldn't be able to live with that."

I ignored his use of my hated first name. I was beginning to get used to it. "Have you ever bitten anyone?"

"Never. There were close calls, but James and Sirius..." His voice choked off, and I looked away.

"It's better to let the tears come, you know. You'll feel better afterwards." I glanced back at him, but he appeared to be ignoring my advice. After a moment's silence, I spoke again. "Remus, you don't have to be alone. You don't have to shut yourself away like this. Maybe I can't be there for you the way Sirius was, maybe no one can, but I want to help you. The whole Order wants to help you. Sirius... Sirius wouldn't have wanted this." I paused, turning to look at him. "You were alone for thirteen years. Do you really want to be alone again?"

There was a long silence.

"You're right, Nym." He sighed, and at last moved his gaze away from the ceiling to meet my eyes. "I don't want to be alone again, I guess that's why I'm taking his death so hard."

I stood and offered him my hand. He took it, and I pulled him into a sitting position. "I know how you feel... I don't want to be alone, either."

Immediately I mentally kicked myself, wishing I had more control over my tongue. I was afraid to look at him. Of course he knew already, anyway, but now it would be brought up, and I didn't know if I would be able to stand it. I dropped his hand as though it was burning me.

"Nym..." I avoided his gaze, looking anywhere but at him.

"No, please, I don't want to hear it. Please, Remus." I knew what he was going to say, but knowing wasn't going to make it any easier to bear.

"You deserve better, Nym. You deserve better than me."

I couldn't bring myself to argue. He reached out and grabbed my hand again, preventing me from fleeing before I could hear him out.

"I know you don't agree, but listen. We're better off this way."

Suddenly my insides turned to ice.

"I thought you didn't want to be alone! You said that!" I pulled my hand away and ran to the door, stopping to glare at him with my hand on the knob. "Did you lie?" I almost didn't recognize my voice. It was angry, and sharp, and full of pain.

"Nym... it's too dangerous. I wouldn't want you to lose me, I know it would kill you..."

"Well, it doesn't matter, does it? Thanks to your nobility, I've as good as lost you!"

I could feel a burning sensation in my throat, and the sting of salt in my eyes. Let the tears come. I doubted I would feel better afterwards, but nothing mattered anyway. Not anymore.

"Nymphadora... I wouldn't want to..."

But I was already gone, through the hall, sprinting to the door I could escape through. I yanked it open and ran onto the street, pausing only to slam it behind me. Tears cascading down my face, I ran blindly through the night.

I sighed, and sat down with my back to the brick wall. So that's why I'm here... I ran until I couldn't run any more. Didn't get far, did I? I looked around again. I was only a few blocks away from headquarters.

I had to get to work. The sunrise was nearing it's end and I would be expected there soon. I probably looked like a mess, though, and my wand was still there. I would have to go back, and face Remus. The prospect almost made me cry again. I set off at a walk, dreading reaching my destination.

Full moon is in two days... and Remus will be alone again. It's all my fault, if I hadn't said that... we'd at least still be friends. I'd be able to be around him. And he wouldn't be alone all the time... we'd be friends.

My thoughts came to an abrupt standstill. I was standing in front of the door. I can't avoid him for the rest of my life anyway, we're both in the Order, we have the same friends, if I don't face him now it'll be harder later... I opened the door as quietly as I could and darted inside.

Damn my clumsiness. How is it that I can manage to trip over thin air? I hoped it wasn't too loud.

When I saw my reflection in the bathroom mirror I gasped. Sure, I was streaked in dirt and my face was muddy from my tears, but I had expected that. My hair was brown. My hair was never brown. Brown was the color my hair had been as a small child, when I hadn't known I was a Metamorphagus. Ever since then it had been any color but brown. I've lost control, I thought in despair. I tried to make it pink again but it didn't work.

There goes my job and my usefulness for the Order, I thought miserably, attacking my hair with a comb as silently as possible.

I heard footsteps and spun around, comb still in hand. Remus stood in the doorway. I froze.

"R-Remus..."

"I thought I heard someone trip." He was smiling. Smiling! Like he thought I was really back, that I could forget what he had said, that I could stand even seeing him after last night. Like he didn't know that I was longing to run again. He probably did, though, because he was blocking my only route of escape.

"Can't we just go back? Just be friends again." He wasn't smiling anymore, so he probably knew what my answer would be.

"No," I said, my voice surprisingly steady. "You said that you were better off without me. Don't tell me you didn't mean it," I added when he opened his mouth to speak. "Because you did. I didn't want you to be alone, I didn't want you to not have anyone to help you move on from Sirius's death, as I told you, but you said that you were better off without."

"No, Nym... I said that we were better off as friends..."

I wasn't going to give him a chance to change my mind. "I've been your friend since before Sirius's death, and you still locked yourself up and refused my company for a week. You didn't seem to care about having me as a friend then, why now?" I glared at him. "Give me three reasons why we can't be more than friends."

It was quickly becoming obvious to him that he was not in control of the situation. He sighed and began ticking reasons off on his fingers. "One: I'm a werewolf -"

"I know and I don't care."

"I care. You deserve better than a werewolf, Nym. Two: I'm old, and you're still young. You-"

I interrupted him again. "You're less than forty, Remus. You're not old. And I've seen worse age differences."

"I'm nearly twice your age, yes, I am old compared to you. Three: I-"

"I take that back, I don't want to hear any more reasons." I didn't want to hear him say what I thought he would say, it would only be harder to stand here facing him.

"Three," he said firmly. "It wouldn't last forever. Dumbledore has given me a very dangerous job that I will begin soon. I'll be surprised if I live through it. I wouldn't want you to live the rest of your life in pain."

"And what about you? Do you want to die alone?"

"Yes." His answer caught me off guard; I hadn't expected one at all, and I met his eyes for the first time since last night. There was a long silence. Neither of us seemed to be able to think of anything to say.

Finally, I looked away. "You're being noble."

"You could put it that way."

I couldn't think of any way to respond. I stood there, motionless, my hair half-combed, the comb itself long since dropped on the floor. I retrieved it, turned back toward the mirror, and attacked my brown hair with it once more. In the mirror I could see Remus's reflection, still standing in the doorway, watching me.

I turned. "Can I get through?"

"Are you going to run away again?"

"Do you think you can stop me?" I met his eyes again, and I found it hard not to be angry.

He didn't say anything, only stood back and let me through. I ran to find my wand, and with a few spells cleaned up enough to go to work. Already I was late. I wanted to leave, I couldn't stand facing Remus anymore. I walked back to the door, my wand still out, prepared to hex Remus if he wouldn't let me go. Just seeing him would make the chasm in my heart grow deeper, wider...

"Nymphadora..."

I stiffened, my hand on the doorknob. I wouldn't turn. I couldn't meet his eyes again. Last night, he had said my name just that way. "I wouldn't want to..." he had said afterward. Wouldn't want to what? But I had left before I could hear.

I don't want to hear, I told myself firmly. I don't want to hear him ever again. But I found myself looking back over my shoulder and meeting his eyes, and was surprised to find there not pity, but sorrow.

"What?" I asked with a sharpness I didn't feel. I was struggling not to cry again.

"I..."

I opened the door.

"I wouldn't want to lose you."

There was a long, heavy silence.

"I... wouldn't want... if I were to die, I would lose you too. I would rather die without that regret. I would rather die alone."

More silence.

"Then I'll go." I turned back to the open door. "Oh, and you lied last night - you said you didn't want to be alone again. Thanks for telling me the truth this time."

With that, I walked out, closing the door behind me in his face. Two blocks away, I sat down beneath a tree to cry my heart out. As much as I didn't want to see him again, there was a part of me that yearned to go back and tell him how much this was tearing me apart.

He wasn't the only one who was alone again.

A/N - Reviews are begged!