I'm Not Okay
A Joint Fic By
Hitokiri-Kitsune and XeroKitty
Bold/Italic –Kyuubi Speech
Italic –Naruto's Thoughts
.Chapter 4.
I left the house twice as depressed as I was entering it. My face burned as our strained words rushed through my head like an overwhelming flood: "You wanted to know about that picture…?" "Do you remember that day, when we fell asleep…?" "Yeah, and Kakashi took a picture…"
"Stupid," I cursed myself under my breath. "Stupid, stupid, stupid!" Of course Sasuke wouldn't have cared about the picture, about what it actually meant to me. He didn't know, and that was fine by me. What had possessed me to try and tell him, anyway? Because I wanted him to know. I didn't want another secret locked away deep inside, eating at me quietly, slowly… I didn't need it turning into fuel for Kyuubi's fire.
My dear, sweet Naruto, whatever do you mean?
Bitch. Fucking bitch.
Now, now. That's no way to talk to a friend.
You're not my friend; I don't have friends.
Of course you don't, the demon's voice cooed venomously, you made sure of that yourself, remember?
I stomped my foot and came to a stop in the street. I stomped hard, like I was trying to rid myself of the voice in my head. But I knew it was impossible to get rid of her—Kyuubi was always there, like a possessed shadow, like an overbearing mother that I never had. A demented, over-bearing mother. I suddenly felt eyes on me; the puzzled stares of the Konoha villagers.
Eyes that had laughed and scorned and hated, always, for as long as I can remember. But after that time…the eyes held traces of fear as well. Fear that I would go crazy and kill them too. And pity, so much pity: "poor sad, crazy Naruto".
We don't need them, the voice came again. It's just us.
Fuck you. You ruined my life.
I ruined your life? If I recall correctly, you did that yourself; you craved their blood. You longed for it, and in the end, it was all over you.
That's not true!
Oh, Naruto…
"Shut up," I growled aloud and started walking again using slow, measured steps. "Don't start with me. Don't. Start." But the images were coming again, like they did in my sleep every night. My walk quickened as the pictures forced their way into my vision; I started sprinting but they kept up with me, flashing snippets of sound and color; screams and blood.
And for some reason, as if to bring everything back to me all in one burst, the picture of Sasuke and I under that tree enlarged itself in my mind until it became the background for everything: it stayed there as all the other images of shocked, pain-filled faces came back to me. I heard myself scream and suddenly I was in a full-out run, my head lowering and my arms and legs pumping hard, my body leaning forward to cut through the air, angled as if I could take off from the ground at any second.
Run as fast as you can, little Naruto…
"FUCK YOU!" I ran harder, faster still.
You'll never escape it. The blood's too thick.
"Watch me," I panted. "I'll run forever if I have to!"
You can never run from me; you and I are—
"STOP IT!" I was in the forest now, weaving in and out through the trees as the wind howled in my ears. But it couldn't drown out the cold voice coming from the back of my mind. "SHUT UP! I AM NOT! I AM NOT!"
As long as that seal is there, Naruto, I'll always be here.
I stopped at the lake's edge. The late afternoon sun burned down on its surface, glittering like wildfire. I gasped for breath; the Kyuubi was silent, waiting for me to answer. And in that silence, I remembered…
There were twelve of them: seven from the fire country and five from the sand—elite shinobi. In Konoha, they were known as the Anbu. They had gathered in the neutral forests of the valley of the Hidden Leaf, right by this lake, right where I happened to be meditating, over this lake. This lake with such a painful memory attached to it. Sasuke… I was trying to get the Kyuubi Kitsune under control; I didn't want it to take me over again, like it had in the water country, like it did that day—the day Sasuke left.
I didn't want the demon to have a hold on me anymore, so, I went deep into a trance, deep inside myself, trying to find that sealed door that I saw in my nightmares each night. I knew she was lurking beyond them, the Kyuubi, waiting for me. And as I fell deeper into myself, as I drew closer to unraveling the seal that kept her contained, the shinobi had honed in to the powerful chakra and had me flanked on twelve different sides.
I managed to push open the large double doors and come face to face with my inner demon: her aura licked out of the crack like flames, her narrow eyes glared at me, her luxurious nine tails swishing out behind her. She was there, in my mind, in all her evil and malice and breath-taking glory, and I stepped inside the doors, into the dark room, to confront her.
That's when they had attacked. Kyuubi took over instantly—self-preservation: she shoved me into the room and lunged out, took over my body fully and I could only look on helplessly from eyes that were mine but no longer belonged to me. I watched her sonic roar shake all the shurinkan, kunai, and wire off track and the weapons missed my body, her host.
She zipped forward with lightning-fast reflex, drew back a paw—my hand—and swiped at the shinobi before her. The death scream rattled my now-sensitive ears but the noise itself made me hot with pleasure. She was enjoying this. Another attack, another casualty. And she hunted them all down like dogs and slaughtered every last one of them.
And when I finally regained control and snapped out of my trance, I was levitating above a lake that had turned pink with fresh-spilled blood, the same dark red substance coating my entire body like some sickening fur. I felt her tear the doors off their hinges, curl up in the darkness; free to go in and out as she pleased. Free to talk. And that was the first time I had heard her voice—Hello, little Naruto.
No one would believe me; the spell's scar was still etched on my stomach, disproving the idea that the Kyuubi's seal had finally broken. It was like she had planned this all along, and I was helpless but to go with it. She and I were one. Because of that scar. That mark.
I had been touching it, though I wasn't aware I was doing so, lost in my memories of the aftermath: they took my weapons, they took my headband, they took my life. Now I looked down at it, stark against my pale skin—the reddish-brown color of dried blood.
"Your fault…" I whispered to the lake and it lapped gently against the dirt shore as if to respond. "It's your fault they all think I'm crazy. I'm not."
Poor Naruto. Don't run from it, embrace it. You opened to door.
"…then I'll just have to close it again." My eyes lifted to the familiar surroundings, the Valley of the End, and they looked for tell-tale markings of battles past. Even though rain and time had washed it all away, I could faintly smell the blood that had seeped into the earth. But that wasn't the fight I wanted.
I looked harder, searching for the faint scrapes on the rock walls and deadened patches of grass where the chi attacks had burned the ability to regenerate the lush green that carpeted the banks. I went to one wall, one faded statue carved into its face, leaping effortlessly up to the hollow ledge about a fourth of the way up. I reached up; it was here.
I should have let him kill me.
What are you doing?
The kunai was blunt and rusted with time, but it still gleamed maliciously as I yanked it from the rock. Sasuke's kunai. I inspected it carefully. Dull. More pain. Oh well.
Sasuke… Why didn't you finish me off? I didn't want your pity, you asshole.
You will put that down now. She sounded worried. My fingers twitched on the handle, clenching tighter.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry I couldn't help you then, and I couldn't help you now.
I will not allow you to—
"FUCK. YOU! IT'S. MY. BODY!" I screamed and rammed the kunai deep into the center of the symbol on my stomach. I gagged for a second, then steeled my resolve and pulled the blade out slowly, watching my blood stream out like the waterfall beside me. I chuckled weakly, but then I felt Kyuubi's chakra starting to close the wound and I began to stab into myself again and again, screaming incoherently for the most part. "MY BODY! MINE! GET OUT! GET OUT GET OUT GET OUT!"
Stab, stab, stab.
I was getting dizzy. And tired, so I just left it in there. I left Sasuke's kunai deep inside my body and for the first time in a long time, I was at peace. I was happy the voice had silenced; I wondered if that picture would ever be discovered in my room; I was sad that I couldn't hear Sasuke's voice, or see him one last time.
"Naruto!" A dying wish… I grinned to myself as I fell backwards. I hit the rock and just lay there. It didn't hurt; I didn't feel anything at all. Blackness settled over half of my vision—So what they say is true… And then it turned into Sasuke's hair. And the dark sky turned light, The light at the end of the tunnel?, but that phased into Sasuke's face. A dying wish…
"Sa…suke…"
And I felt my eyes close of their own violation. I felt my breathing slowing down. I felt warm, strong arms around me. And then I felt nothing at all.
.End Chapter 4.
Hitokiri-Kitsune: My chapter up next! x3 Thanks to everyone who reviewed. You're so lovely. –skips off to write-