Short, sweet, & simple: Naruto. Ramen. Ecstasy. A Hyuuga. Touches on rabid fans, pedophiles, and tooth decay.
Summary: Naruto tries out a new flavour of ramen: ecstasy. Craziness ensues. Never forget your pants. Watch out for the Hyuugas. Hinata can predict the future! Kind of.
Warning: It's a crackfic. Watch out for major OOC-ness and crazy pairings/happenings. You have been warned. NarutoxHyuuga, almost.
Rated: Magumbo. Er, we mean M.
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Ecstasy Ramen
a.k.a Pant-less Beauty
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Naruto jumped up and down, quivering happily as he enjoyed his daily dose of ramen. His addiction, his love, his curse, it was all his. He slurped down his ramen with unabashed glee and happy gluttony which could only be found in the most rabid of ramen fans.
Some people are obsessed with little children; they're called pedophiles. Some people are obsessed with yaoi; they're usually called RYF's (Rabid Yaoi Fans). Some people are obsessed with ramen; they're called… okay, well, only one person is really obsessed with ramen, and that's Naruto, the Hokage of Konoha.
Uzumaki Naruto was a rabid, hard-core fan of ramen. He practically lived off of the stuff. When he went on business trips, he always made sure he had a suitcase of packaged cup ramen to bring along. He was forever trying new and improved flavours, scents, and textures of ramen. To put it plainly, Naruto was a ramen addict. In fact, he was currently undergoing intensive group therapy to cure him of his ramen addiction. (Unfortunately, he was the only one who actually attended these sessions, seeing as how he was the one who started them in the first place. In actuality, Naruto normally used this "group therapy" time to chart and rate the different types of ramen.)
Naruto was, at the moment, under the influence of a brand-new flavour of ramen: ecstasy. It was said to be as good as the real deal and would be able to make one's life a wondrous journey full of new hopes and dreams. Naruto had jumped at the chance to try it. He had bought several cups of it that very morning in his state of sheer excitement. He'd eaten those several cups that same morning, just to savour the delicious and oh-so-indescribable taste he knew only as ecstasy.
It was on this day that he felt unusually invigorated. Naruto was seeing the world through new eyes and it was a world that was his for the taking. He felt good. In fact, he felt real good. Better than good. He felt fantabulous. Fanfuckingtabulous. Perhaps even marvelous. No, that was going a bit too far. He just felt fanfuckingtabulous.
He felt… like a man. Like a tough man. Like the man to end all men. Like the man that all men envied. Like the man that existed to end all men who envied tough men like him.
He stared into the mirror, enjoying the view he had of himself. Kami-sama, he was hot. The years had been good to Uzumaki Naruto, oh yeah, they'd been hella good. Gone was his baby fat, only to be replaced by super-defined muscles – the envy of many young men (women, children, and many transgendered people) around the village. His six-pack was amazing, though with all due respect, it was, in fact, not a six-pack at all: it was a twelve pack and the envy of many young men (women, children, and many transgendered people) around the village. His eyes still held the devilish glow of his youth, but had matured from a baby-bright blue to a deep and stunning dark cerulean with dashing hints of silver and purple speckles with the occasional sparkling red squiggles (which only appeared when Kyuubi happened to be in a good mood). Oh, and sometimes they were green. When he was sleeping. And no one could tell. But he knew… oh, he knew.
Oh yeah, he was hot, and he was a man and today, he was going to ask some lucky chick out on a date!
Drinking the last of his MSG- and ecstasy-ridden soup, he dashed out the door after pulling on several articles of clothing. Naruto was so hot in his $275 Banana Republic black fishnet shirt over which he was wearing a $93 American Eagle black ribbed tank. His shoes were Champions, costing $187 (and 74 cents to be exact). His clothing was off the hook.
He was off the hook.
As Naruto walked up and down the streets of Konoha, his villagers greeted him, calling out his name in joyous tones of disbelief and wonder. He was a legend. He had single-handedly saved the city from Orochimaru by strategically utilizing his infamous Sexy no Jutsu. The nosebleed Orochimaru had gotten from staring at Naruto's sexy body had been so overpowering that it had washed away the eastern sector of the village. However, Naruto's Sexy no Jutsu had also helped coerce several wealthy architects to rebuild the eastern sector so that it was even better than the west.
Oh yeah, he was Mr. Popular around here. His work for the village had changed everybody's mind about him and who he was. He was no longer the feared and horrible Kyuubi of Konoha, who was behind all evils such as utter destruction, unexplainable events, and tooth decay. No, now he was the good and wonderful Kyuubi of Konoha, who was behind all good things such as the rebuilding of decrepit buildings, memorable festivals, and the prevention of gum disease.
And he was hot.
And his clothes were so off the hook.
And he was going to land a date tonight.
Naruto cat-walked around the market square, ignoring the stares of what he imagined to be admiration and wonder. And of course of sexual envy. He pumped out his chest and caught sight of a long-haired vixen moving through the crowds with ease. It was probably due to the fact that everyone was making way for her as she strut past them. Naruto fell in step with her easily and smiled at her when she looked at him.
"So," he drawled at her, throwing a hundred-megawatt smile her way.
"What do you want, Uzumaki?" Her voice was slightly gruff. She was probably recovering from a cold.
"I haven't seen you around here, now have I?"
The girl paused and shot what Naruto believed to be a soul-searching gaze at him. "What's wrong with you, Uzumaki?" She glanced down at his shoes. "Other than being incredibly stupid?"
"Please, call me Naruto," said Naruto, brushing off her insult with ease. He smiled at her again. Her hair was straight and her eyes were so pale; she looked very pretty. And she had a ninja headband, that was a plus. "Care to have some coffee?" he asked her as she started to walk again.
"No."
"Ah, so you're not into caffeine. That's nice to see. I hear it stunts your growth. You're very tall. Have you ever thought about becoming a model? I bet people ask you that all the time. How would you like to get some juice?"
"No."
"Hungry? I know this great ramen place down by—"
"No."
"Want to watch a movie?"
"No."
"Monosyllabic much?"
"Leave me alone, Uzumaki."
"I thought I told you to call me Naruto."
The girl's left eye was twitching. Aw, how endearing.
"And I thought I told you to leave me alone."
"Oh… well… Want to go ice-skating?"
"No."
"Want to do anything?"
The blonde watched as the brown-haired girl next to him stopped and turned to face him. They were out of the marketplace now, and had ventured into a part of Konoha that was due to be rebuilt. Not a soul was about.
"Uzumaki, do you know what you're doing?"
"Asking you out?"
"Why?"
"Because, I am tough. And I am hot. And my clothing is off the hook. And I am the Hokage! And today, I am getting a date!"
"Uzumaki, are you high?"
Naruto blinked. "Say what?"
"Intoxicated? Jibbered? Pochinked? Wasted? Are you inebriated in any way? "
Naruto blanched. This wasn't the way it was supposed to be. Oh well, he was the Hokage; things never went the way you wanted them to go when you were Hokage.
"Not really. I do feel kind of happy, though. And tough. And manly. And, and– "
"And pant-less."
Naruto looked down. "Oh… my."
"You've been walking around the city without any pants on for the past hour or so."
"So I have." Naruto grinned at the girl across from him. "So, another time then, when I get my pants on?"
"Do you know who I am, Uzumaki?"
Naruto blinked again, wondering what kind of a question that was. "Well, you… " He paused. "Is this a rhetorical question?"
"It's Neji, Uzumaki. Hyuuga Neji."
"Ah…well, I thought you looked familiar."
"Right, now that this has been cleared up, I suggest that you go find your pants and… go lie down or something. Or see Tsunade-sama."
"Yosh!" yelled Naruto in a very Lee-like manner. "Will do!" He watched Neji walk away. "Oh, Neji, how's seven?"
Neji turned around. "Seven what?"
"Should I pick you up around seven? Like I said, I know this nice ramen place."
Neji's left eye twitched several times. He then turned and stalked away. "Go away, Uzumaki, you crazy homosexual," he muttered.
"I'm not a homo!" yelled Naruto.
Neji turned around again, his left eye twitching like mad. You really knew you were on a Hyuuga's bad side when their eyes started moving funny. "You just asked me out! I fail to comprehend how that makes you anything but gay (or possibly bisexual)."
Naruto paused for a second before beaming at Neji in a most alarming way. "Well, at first I thought you were a girl! So I was still straight then. And, um… well… now… I know you're a boy. Well, I guess I'm just Neji-sexual!"
"Neji-sexual?" Neji's eye was twitching so fast that it just looked… weird.
Naruto would have said it looked like a frantic butterfly. But he didn't.
"Yah!" Naruto nodded emphatically. "Neji-sexual." He smiled and rubbed the back of his head. "So, I'll pick you up at seven!" He looked down. "After I get my pants!" And with that, he disappeared in a puff of grey smoke.
"Neji-sexual?" Neji repeated confusedly. "THAT'S NOT EVEN A REAL WORD, YOU BAKA!" he screamed, scaring several birds out of nearby trees and causing many schoolchildren to run back inside their houses.
Neji stalked off towards his house. A snarl twisted his facial features in a rare display of anger. "Puh-please," he mockingly mimicked Hinata's stammering voice, "Nuh-neji, just give this cuh-cream to Ino, Neji. Nuh-nuh-nothing bad will happen, Neji. Ruh-really, Neji, it's nuh-not like Ho-ho-hokage-sama's going to a-a-a-ask you out or anything."
Neji spat onto the ground. He hated fate. He hated destiny.
He also hated heart-pattern boxer shorts. Especially when they were blocking the view of his favourite Hokage's bad place, which he was sure the Hokage didn't normally display out in public.
Neji stalked home, determined to look good when Naruto came to pick him up.
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The End.
Annette is again at fault for creating such a silly mockery of this magnitude. What can she say? She was high. No, she was just on crack.
Anything to do the world some good.