Summary: A sleek Scandinavian, detention romance, a summer fling, the one girl he never expected, and more. Read all about Sirius Black's twisted love-life and the girls who made it click.
Rated: PG-13, for now… I'm not sure yet how graphic this will end up getting.
Disclaimer: I don't own any of these people, because you can't own people; it's called slavery and it's wrong.
So, without further ado:
L'amour est une chienne
(love is a bitch)
Chapter One
The Joys of Categorizing
Sirius Black, sixteen years old and damn proud of it, strode briskly down a corridor. He spotted an attractive Hufflepuff girl whom (if memory served) he had once slept with. What was her name again? Sally? No – Sandy? Still not sure, Sirius swept his hair out of his eyes idly, causing Sally or Sandy or whatever her name was to glance over at him discretely, keeping her head low in an attempt to disguise her interest. Ah, so he had slept with her, Sirius thought, his mind drifting back to that party in the Hufflepuff common room a few weeks earlier.
He, James, and Peter had attended, per the invite of a large group of girls. Remus had been invited, too, but he had chosen to stay in the Gryffindor common room and work on some essay for Transfiguration. Sirius wasn't sure what the logic behind that was; they had had all the rest of the weekend to finish their work.
The party was a drag at first, but then the beer and whisky started flowing. Sirius never drank because he needed the fun; he could usually entertain himself just as well without alcohol. But there had been that pretty girl among the gaggle that had invited them… she kept offering him firewhisky, and she had had such a pretty laugh… Oh, Sirius remembered suddenly, it wasn't Sally or Sandy… it was Sinead. He fought the urge to glance behind him and see if she was still watching him; if his hazy memory of that night served correctly, they had had quite a good time.
But then, Sirius Black had no lack of good times. He was the most dashing boy in school, and he knew it. But it wasn't just that; he also had three great friends who would stand by his side no matter what.
They did everything together. He, James, and Peter had even mastered the art (over the course of a very long three years) of transforming into animals, and now they accompanied lycanthrope Remus on all of his monthly excursions.
Sirius had reached his destination: the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. He was there for detention, of course; two days earlier that damn Professor Lamont had cornered him and James attempting to curse Severus Snape into oblivion. Professor Lamont was an aggravating hag of a woman who had been substituting for the past two weeks, as their regular Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher was away with some unidentifiable sickness (though it was rumored to be dragon pox).
Professor Lamont had not been at school long enough to realize what a grand prat Snape was; she saw him only as a marvelous student to teach, as his knowledge of the Dark Arts probably exceeded her own. In addition, she already harbored resentment against Sirius and James, as they really were quite obnoxious during class.
Thus, when she encountered Snape, sniveling in a panicky manner as sheets of foam poured from his eyeballs, ears, mouth, and nose, she had rounded on Sirius and James and vowed to punish them to the furthest extent possible under the law.
This, it turned out, translated to two weeks of afternoon detention.
"That's what the mirrors are for," James explained cheerfully, after Lamont informed them that they would be in separate detentions. He and Sirius were back in the common room, explaining the vaguely-unfortunate situation to Remus and Peter.
"I do love how pointless detentions are for you two," Remus observed.
Sirius pretended to be offended. "Excuse me, Moony?" he said with a little gasp. "How dare you imply that I don't find great meaning in my detentions!"
Remus rolled his eyes. "Oh, I'd never imply that… it's just that the whole point of detentions is for you to not enjoy them and thus not be compelled to keep doing the things that landed you in trouble in the first place," he said.
"Really?" gasped Sirius.
James laughed. "Who knew…"
Now at the door to the Defense Against the Dark Arts room (James was supposed to be working in the hospital wing – something about bedpans,) Sirius stuck a hand into his pocket to make sure that the mirror was still there.
Once that was affirmed, he knocked on the door.
"Enter!" the woeful voice of Professor Lamont commanded.
Sirius opened the door and strode in confidently. "Good evening, Professor," he said.
Professor Lamont had somewhat limp and unkempt grayish-brown hair and damp eyes that would have been more appropriate on a blood hound. As unsightly as she was, however, she still knew her Defense Against the Dark Arts.
"Good evening, Black," she said stoutly. "Now, for these two weeks you are going to be organizing notes for me. I am planning on writing a novel, you see. Historical fiction. Very hefty stuff. Right now you are going to help get all of the sources in order; just go page by page and categorize everything." She went behind her desk and heaved out an immense stack of parchment, which she set on one of the classroom desks before continuing. "There are four more stacks were that came from, but I chose not to drag them up here this evening. Now, this is what you need to go…" and she proceeded to explain the exact categorization she desired for use in furthering her research.
Sirius felt himself growing bored just thinking about it. Thank goodness for the mirrors; a brisk chat with James would make the hours speed away.
Professor Lamont, having finished her explanation, brushed off her hands and glanced at the clock on the wall. Then she glanced at her own watch. "She's late," she muttered.
Sirius, who wasn't really listening, glanced at his own watch, too. "Ah… so, Professor, how long till I can–" but he was interrupted by a knock on the classroom door.
"Enter!" snapped Lamont, her voice still woeful.
The door opened a crack, and a girl peered around the corner. She smiled. "Ah! Good evening, Professor!" she said, opening the door all the way and proceeding inside.
"Miss Delacour," said Lamont, nodding quickly in aggravation, "you are nearly ten minutes late."
The girl gave Lamont a winning smile. "I'm sorry; I must have lost track of the hour, Professor."
Lamont blinked a few times and then said briskly, "Very well… but don't let yourself be late tomorrow."
"Of course not, Professor," the girl said with another smile.
Sirius was perplexed by the girl's arrival, as well as quite a bit annoyed.
"You mean I've got double-detention with her?" he asked Lamont incredulously.
Claire Delacour – for that was her name – looked at Sirius, her countenance something akin to exaggerated disgust, and demanded, "Oh, and what's that supposed to mean, Black?"
Sirius couldn't help but smile, but he caught himself after a second; after all, he couldn't miss this opportunity. "So, Claire, what'd you do?" he asked scathingly, "Get caught shagging Zabini again? Or was it somebody else this time?"
Claire Delacour blushed slightly, but kept her cool. "Wouldn't you like to know," she replied lightly.
Lamont was looking annoyed. "I expect this stack of parchment to be at least half-sorted by supper, at which point both of you can go… until tomorrow, at least!" she said loudly.
Sirius and Claire Delacour both turned back toward her. "Very good, Professor," Claire said.
Sirius offered a limp smile.
Lamont narrowed her droopy eyes for a moment, and then turned and strode out of the room. "I'll be back to check how you are getting along within the hour!" she called over her shoulder as she closed the door behind her. They could here her tapping the doorknob with her wand to lock it.
Claire and Sirius turned back to one another. "So you reckon she's not going to monitor us, then?" Sirius asked pleasantly.
Claire shrugged. "Suppose not. Bloody fool, too… I know I'd never leave you unattended."
Sirius smiled vaguely. "Yeah… me neither."
Claire grinned.
Sirius rolled his eyes at her and sat down on one of the desks. "So. Claire. What'd you really do to get thrown in detention?"
Claire sat down on the desk opposite him and nodded for a few moments as if contemplating something. Then she opened her mouth and said, "Yeah. You pretty much guessed it earlier."
Sirius couldn't help but grin now. "Are you serious, Claire? My god, you are such a–"
She stood up in anger. "A what, exactly?" she demanded. "Sirius, you of all people can't start labeling–"
Sirius grinned some more. "What I was going to say is that you are such a… such a… such a nice girl."
She rolled her eyes. "Oh yeah, and how about you, Sirius? What'd you do to get thrown in detention? Curse Severus Snape again, or something else just as original?"
Sirius shrugged. "Wouldn't you like to know?" he replied airily.
Claire smiled. She had sat down on the desk again. "No, actually, I don't really care to," she informed him pleasantly.
Sirius pouted exaggeratedly. "You're no fun…"
Claire shrugged, still smiling angelically. She swung her legs idly from her perch on the desk.
Sirius narrowed his eyes at her. That Claire Delacour…
Claire was in Ravenclaw, and, at one year older than he, she would be graduating in a few months' time. Claire was from France, from a lovely estate near La Rochelle, and she returned there every summer to visit her family. Though her older brother had attended Beauxbatons, Claire, like her mother and grandmother before her, had attended Hogwarts.
Claire Delacour had creamy skin and dark brown hair that fell to just below her shoulders. She parted it far over to one side, and a thin shock of bangs fell lightly across her forehead when her hair was pulled back, such as now. Her eyes were a lovely violet and her eyelashes were always dark and thick. Claire had a pretty French face with a nose that turned up at the end, elegant cheekbones, and rosy cheeks (though that might have been make-up). She was somewhat short, a good head below Sirius at least, but she was slender, had very good posture, and gave off the appearance of being taller than she was. Claire Delacour was, without a doubt, substantially hot.
Sirius was amused by Claire Delacour, and she herself looked upon him with a sort of entertained scorn. Sirius had dated, snogged, or else had sex with a good deal of her friends, and Claire was always either hearing about how wonderful he was or else listening to rants about what a dick he was from one of her girlfriends or another.
The fact that he was a year younger than she amused Claire as well, because she had never before known a "little" boy to cause such a commotion amongst the older years. Indeed, she knew that Sirius, at the time fifteen, had been quite popular with last years' seventh years as well.
Claire herself had little use for him. She had been with her boyfriend, Hector Zabini, since the end of fourth year. Hector was tall, dark, and handsome. He was in Slytherin, came from an old Mediterranean family, and was Claire's match in every way. At least, this was what she explained to her girlfriends when they sought her council in matters of male-female relations.
Claire was going to marry Hector. They both knew it; it was fate.
"So. Claire," Sirius drawled, deciding to change the subject. "How's Zabini been lately?"
Claire smiled at him. "Quite well, thanks. And how's… Leda?"
Sirius frowned. "Leda? We broke up."
"Oh, really?" Claire said cheerfully, taken aback. "I'm sorry, I didn't know… so, who did the breaking up? You or her?"
Sirius smiled ruefully. "Well, it was sort of mutual… sort of."
Claire raised her eyebrows and looked at him. "Oh, come now, Sirius! Give me the details; we have a whole two hours to kill here!"
Sirius barked out a laugh. "Well, if you must know, she walked in on me and Vana… didn't take too kindly to the scene, if you get my gist."
Claire grinned. "Vana? You mean Vanity Linus? What the hell were you doing with her?"
Sirius rolled his eyes, but then smiled slightly despite himself. "What do you think?"
Claire laughed. "You are quite the… quite the…" she took a deep breath and regarded him from her perch on the desk.
"…Quite the what?" Sirius asked. "Don't leave me hanging."
Claire laughed again. "Quite the awful boyfriend," she informed him frankly.
Sirius shrugged. "We're broken up now, so no worries."
Claire exhaled slightly. "I suppose… so what's up now? Going out with Vanity, I take it?"
Sirius shook his head, a somewhat disturbed look on his face. "Good grief, no."
Claire laughed again, and Sirius continued, "She's worse than I am! I mean, really… I know better than to get into serious commitments with the likes of her."
Claire nodded thoughtfully. "Yes, she is quite the petite putain… but seriously, Sirius… Lee… hey, wouldn't it be funny if your middle name were 'Lee?'"
Sirius smiled despite himself. "Tediously," he agreed.
Claire grinned at him, her pronounced dimples showing.
Sirius shook his head and grinned back at her despite himself. "Okay. My turn to interrogate you regarding personal issues," he informed her.
Claire rolled her eyes, but did not object.
"Okay, first question: what exactly were you doing with Zabini that got you stuck in detention for two weeks?" Sirius asked, stroking his chin thoughtfully with a forefinger and thumb and leaning toward her intently.
Claire smiled slightly and stared at him incredulously. "That is none of your business," she replied.
Sirius grinned at her. "Why ever not? I'm the one who has to sit around here for two hours with you fourteen days straight."
Claire smiled sweetly at him. "You say that like it's a bad thing."
"It doesn't have to be," Sirius replied quickly, realizing too late that he had inadvertently slipped into his flirtatious mode.
But Claire laughed him off. "Don't try me, Black; you've already damn-near banged up most of my friends."
Sirius was about to say something equally biting in reply, but thought better of it. "Hey, it's not my fault your friends like me so much," he said, tempering himself.
"Nor mine," Claire replied.
They stared at one another in silence for a few moments, and then Sirius asked, "Are you going to marry Zabini, Claire?"
Claire blushed slightly despite herself. "What's it to you?" she demanded.
Sirius shrugged. "Nothing. Just wondering… after all, the two of you..." he trailed off, unsure of what he was getting at.
"The two of us what?" Claire asked quickly.
Sirius raised an eyebrow at her. Then he grinned apologetically. "I have no idea… I don't quite know where that was going."
Claire smiled, a bit too gratefully. Then she said, "My older brother just got married."
"Did he?" Sirius repeated.
Claire nodded. "Actually, I have some pictures in my bag…" She hopped down to the floor and rummaged around in her book bag, finally locating a leather wallet. She withdrew a small photograph and held it out for Sirius to inspect. "That's my brother, and that's his new wife," Claire said, pointing to each of the faces in the picture quickly. "Apolline... Madame Delacour now… I swear, she drives me bloody mad."
Sirius inspected the two people in the photo, who were smiling happily and kept waving at him. Claire's brother looked like her: same pleasant coloring, same turned-up nose. The woman at his side, however, was absolutely stunning. She had a long sheet of silvery-blond hair, enormous blue eyes, and about a thousand pearly white teeth.
"Wow… she's… ugly," remarked Sirius airily.
Claire smiled appreciatively. "I know… half veela, you know; you should see her mother…"
Sirius examined the picture for a few more moments; he was finding it difficult to look away. At last, he handed it back to Claire with the comment of, "Lucky brother."
Claire rolled her eyes. "Yeah, you should see the looks he gets from men, now that he's got Apolline on his arm."
Sirius smiled at her pleasantly. "I can imagine," he informed her briskly.
-
At some point during the two hours, Sirius and Claire finally got around to doing some of the categorizing Lamont had set them to complete. When Lamont stuck her head into the room at a few minutes to six, they were busy reading the many sheets of parchment. The Professor nodded a few times, contented, and went away. Sirius and Claire promptly grew bored of their task and took another break.
Finally, when the clock struck seven, the Professor came back and informed them that they could go to dinner with a reminder that they were to come promptly on time the next day.
As they walked down the corridor toward the stairs together, Sirius and Claire discussed the tedium of their task. They were launching into a vindictive rant against Lamont when James came out of a shortcut just ahead of them. "Oh, hello, Padfoot," he remarked, waiting for them to catch up. "Hello, Delacour."
"Potter," acknowledged Claire, nodding at him.
James smiled. "How was detention?" he asked Sirius.
"Oh, invigorating," Sirius replied dully. "And yours?"
James shrugged. "Could have been worse… never got around to using the mirror, though; I was being monitored."
Sirius realized he had forgotten all about the mirrors.
Claire smiled slightly. "So how have you been lately, Potter?" she asked. "I haven't seen you around much."
James shrugged again. "Decent, as always… et toi?"
Claire laughed. "Très bien."
Sirius smiled despite himself.
Lily Evans was making her way down the corridor toward them. "Hello, Evans!" James called cheerfully.
She rolled her eyes in annoyance and did not meet his eyes.
"Will you go out with me?" James called at her as she hurried past them.
Lily stopped and turned to glare at him. "Do I really need to answer that question, Potter?" she demanded. She turned to look at Claire. "Oh, hello, Claire."
"Lily," Claire replied pleasantly, smiling her winning smile.
Lily turned back to James, who appeared to be deep in thought. "Well, I would appreciate an answer, yes… preferably an affirmation," James replied serenely, nodding a bit.
Lily rolled her eyes again and exhaled loudly in annoyance. "Well, I'm afraid you're going to be disappointed, Potter," she said shortly, turning on her heal and continuing down the corridor.
James groaned slightly. "Why does she always do that?" he muttered.
Sirius shrugged. "No idea, mate… maybe she just doesn't like you that much."
Claire was watching Lily as she stormed away. "No, I don't think that's it," she observed. "I mean, the only way she would be–" but she stopped abruptly as Hector Zabini rounded the corner.
"Hey!" Claire called cheerfully.
He smiled, showing brilliantly-white teeth. "Hey." Hector Zabini strode toward Claire, James, and Sirius. He gave Claire a kiss and turned to the other two. "Black; Potter," he said curtly, nodding to each of them.
"Zabini," Sirius replied, equally curt. He harbored a persistent resentment against everybody in Slytherin, even if they had never personally offended him.
James said nothing; he gave a bland smile.
Claire seemed to have forgotten all about Sirius and James; Zabini put his arm around her and the two of them started off down the corridor, talking earnestly.
"How was your detention?"
"Tedious… and yours?"
"Boring as hell." Zabini turned to kiss Claire on the forehead, and she smiled happily.
Sirius glanced at James. "Right," he said, rolling his eyes. "Shall we go down to supper, then?"
James nodded in affirmation, still looking a bit annoyed over this Lily Evans business. He glanced at Claire and Zabini, now far ahead up the corridor and about to round a corner. "Did you have detention with her?" he asked half-heartedly.
Sirius nodded. "Yes… and I swear, she drives me mad, she's that bloody annoying."
James smiled. "Well, the fact that you've slept with most of her friends probably does–"
"That's not it," Sirius interrupted unconvincingly. "It's just that she's so… so…"
"Hot?" James suggested, leaning to one side so as to watch Claire and Zabini for a moment longer.
Sirius barked out a laugh. "I was thinking more along the lines of… I don't know… 'overly superior and self-assured,' or something."
James shrugged. "And this annoys you?" he asked sagely.
Sirius tilted his head from side to side, weighing the possibilities. "Yes," he said at last.
James laughed. "Well, not much you can do about it, mate!" he observed cheerfully. "And besides, it's more fun to have somebody like that to talk to during detention than having nobody at all, like we do when sane teachers are the ones setting the punishment."
Sirius barked out a laugh again. "I know it… Lamont didn't even check in on us until an hour in…"
As they entered the Great Hall, Remus and Peter waved them over from their spot along the Gryffindor table. "How was detention?" Remus asked pleasantly.
"Charming," James replied at once.
"Just grand," Sirius added.
Peter laughed. "Lucky you two."
As they ate dinner, a girl sitting across the table leaned in the talk to Sirius. "How's it going, Black?" she asked pleasantly.
Sirius shrugged. "As well as can be expected." He swished his hair out of his eyes with one hand and grinned at her. "And you, Niall?"
She smiled shyly. "Call me Evie," she said for the third week straight, pushing her wavy black hair behind her ears and batting her eyelashes a few times.
"Evie," Sirius repeated, giving a nod. He knew her, of course; she was a year younger than he was, a fifth year, and in Gryffindor. A quiet girl, Evetta Niall had long waves of rather thin ebony hair and sparkly brown eyes. She had been persistently attempting to flirt with Sirius for the past month. He had nothing against her; besides, she wasn't all that bad to look at, but Sirius needed more excitement than shy flirting over the dinner table to fall for a girl.
"Scoot over, Evie," a louder voice commanded. "Good evening, Sirius."
"Likewise," Sirius replied promptly. Beside him, James smiled familiarly at the girl.
"Evening, Tara," he said.
"Oh, Jamie," she said at once, "my mum says yours is getting sick of not hearing from you. Send her an owl one of these days; it'll do her good."
James nodded. "Can do." He turned back to Peter, with whom he had been discussing the iniquities of detention.
Tara Nevan sat down next to Evie, one of her friends and roommates, and turned to Sirius. "I hear you had detention," she said. "How was that?"
Sirius shrugged idly. "Fabulous, of course," he replied.
Evie giggled, and Tara turned to smile sweetly at her for a moment. She whispered something in Evie's ear, and the two girls both broke out in giggles.
Sirius stifled a roll of his eyes. Tara Nevan lived down the road from the Potters' Devon manor, in a lovely old house surrounded by acres of fields and forests. Sirius had first really met her the previous summer, when he had run away to James's house. Tara had long, straight, light-brown hair and pretty green eyes flecked with hazel. She had moved on from her childhood infatuation with James to a burning crush on Sirius at some point over the summer, and even now he couldn't get her to stay away from him.
Behind Tara over at the Ravenclaw table, Claire Delacour was chatting with her group of girlfriends. As Sirius watched, she seemed to roll her eyes and then turn to her plate, where she poked idly at a pile of boiled potatoes. He stifled an urge to wave wildly at her; for some reason, doing so seemed a tad out of place just now.
"James says you had detention with Claire Delacour," Remus commented in Sirius's ear. Sirius turned to look at him.
"Oh… yeah, I did," he confirmed.
Remus smiled slightly. "And what'd she do? Get caught shagging Zabini again, or something?"
Sirius grinned. "I got that impression, yeah."
Remus laughed and shook his head.
Sirius copied the gesture.
"What'd you two do?" Remus asked casually.
Sirius shrugged. "Talked a bit… she has good gossip, you know. Oh, and her brother just got married; you should see the pictures, the wife is half veela, or something… I mean, damn…"
James had turned toward their conversation. "Who's half veela?" he asked.
"Claire's new sister-in-law," Sirius repeated.
James raised his eyebrows. "Lucky brother," he remarked.
Sirius nodded. "That's what I said." He glanced back over at the Ravenclaw table, but Claire was no longer there. Scanning the hall, he found her at the Slytherin table, standing beside Hector Zabini and talking to him quickly. As Sirius watched, Hector shook his head and seemed to wave her away. Claire rolled her eyes and marched back to the Ravenclaw table, saying something over her shoulder to him as she went. Sirius felt vaguely curious, but not to the extent of exertion; he turned back to James, Remus, and Peter.
Across the table from them, Tara Nevan and Evetta Niall were still whispering.
-
The next day, detention proved just as potentially dull as it had the first time. Sirius arrived at five minutes past five; Claire arrived ten minutes later. After a brief lecture about punctuality from Professor Lamont, the two were locked in the room with instructions to "get a move on that categorizing."
As soon as they were alone, Claire sat down on her desk and groaned.
"What's up?" Sirius asked curiously.
"This is what's up!" Claire replied. "This! It's boring as hell!"
Sirius shrugged. "Well, don't have a cow… anyway, what's up? In general, I mean."
Claire stretched and then stroked her chin thoughtfully. Her dark hair was down today, and it framed her face pleasantly.
"Well… your brother Regulus is quite the little Lord of the Manor."
Sirius stared at her. "And what's that supposed to mean?" he demanded.
Claire smiled slightly. "He's only – what, thirteen? – and he's already got all the girls in Slytherin raving mad over him."
Sirius grinned a bit. "Oh, yeah… silly Regulus."
Claire smiled. "You should meet some of the Slytherins, Sirius… I'm sure you could find some you'd like."
Sirius shook his head adamantly, no. "Nah… I've got far too much pre-programmed anti-Slytherin sentiment. They do that to you in Gryffindor."
Claire smiled some more. "They really aren't all that bad, the Slytherins," she said, sighing slightly.
Sirius rolled his eyes. "This from the girl who's completely enamored of Hector Zabini… gee, I just love unbiased opinions."
Claire laughed. "Well… they aren't all perfect… some of them are a bit unpleasant, like Severus Snape." She frowned. "That poor boy… he might be a bit unsightly, but I don't think it's his fault that you and Potter make his life a living hell. Maybe you should lighten up on him a bit."
Sirius shrugged. "Yeah, don't think so."
Claire rolled her eyes. "Whatever… and Bellatrix Black… well – she's your cousin, yes? – so, no offense, but… she's a little bit… crazy."
Sirius laughed dryly. "Tell me something I don't know."
Claire smiled. "Not so much insane-crazy, but she gets so impassioned over things... and she's a bit too elitist for my tastes. She's pretty, though."
Sirius let out a slight huff. "Yeah, 'a bit too elitist'… sorry, but that's an understatement."
Claire shrugged. "Hey, I don't know her all that well; this is mostly stuff Hector's told me."
Sirius nodded for a while. Then he asked, "Why do you like Hector Zabini so much?"
Claire stared at him. "Um… what?"
Sirius shrugged, and smiled at her. "I asked why you like Hector Zabini so much," he said pleasantly. "I mean, really, you could probably have any guy in the school, so…"
Claire laughed incredulously. "Don't start on me, Black!
"I'm not starting–" Sirius began, but then he realized with a jolt of annoyance that he was. "Sorry; force of habit," he murmured.
Claire smiled slightly. She looked at him thoughtfully for a moment, and then asked, "Sirius, who was the first girl you ever kissed?"
Sirius barked out a laugh. "What, is it Confession Time now?"
Claire smiled more broadly. "Why not? Answer me honestly and then I'll tell you."
Sirius couldn't help but grin. This game was always substantially entertaining. "You're on," he said. He cleared his throat. "Okay, so, first kiss… my first year. With Dilys Merwyn, then a fourth year."
Claire laughed. "Dilys Merwyn? Was she that pretty Welsh girl with the red hair?"
Sirius nodded.
Claire laughed some more. "Ha! I remember her… she tutored me in History of Magic during my first year."
Sirius looked at her quizzically. "You needed tutoring in History of Magic?"
Claire shrugged. "Well… not really. But I'm in Ravenclaw; we over-achieve, don't we?"
Sirius laughed. "If you say so." In truth, he strongly agreed, but he thought better than to say it.
"But back to Dilys Merwyn… how did you come to kiss her?" Claire demanded.
Sirius smiled. "I didn't kiss her; she kissed me," he replied. "And it was quite simple, really… She and her friends had come into the compartment on the train I was sharing with James and Remus and Peter. We were talking about the complicated romance network at Hogwarts – you are familiar with it, aren't you, Claire? – and at some point Dilys had stopped laughing and said, 'I'm going to kiss you, Black.' And she did."
Claire shrieked with laughter. "That's adorable!" she exclaimed. She caught her breath. "And how was it, Black? Kissing a fourth year, I mean?"
"You can stick with, 'Sirius,' thanks," Sirius replied, "and it was fine… no, skip that–" and here he put on a dreamy face "–it was incredible."
Claire giggled. "Was she a good kisser?" she asked.
Sirius nodded briskly. "Quite good, in retrospect," he admitted, trying to sound very serious.
Claire giggled again.
"Well, how about you, then?" Sirius demanded. "When was your first kiss?"
Claire eyes narrowed in thought. "Um… it was the beginning of second year, so I had just turned twelve… Teague Roarke kissed me behind the greenhouses."
Sirius pretended to yawn. "Wow, that is incredibly detailed," he remarked airily.
Claire rolled her eyes. "You want more? We were 'going out,' if that's what it was… see, we couldn't actually go anywhere; we just sat around nervously together feeling embarrassed and two or three times when there was nobody around he actually got the nerve up to kiss me."
"And was he a good kisser?" Sirius asked sarcastically.
"I don't remember!" Claire cried. Then she laughed. "Probably… he's quite popular with the ladies now. You must have noticed. Once he got taller and his acne went down – that was a couple of years ago, fifth year, I'd say – he finally lived up to his name."
"'Teague?'"
Claire shrugged. "I don't know what 'Teague' means, but you've heard of Kyle Roarke, haven't you?"
Sirius shook his head.
Claire raised her eyebrows. "You haven't? Well, I suppose he was a bit before your time… he was Teague's older brother, who would have graduated when I was a second year, but instead got two girls pregnant and was finally expelled at the start of his seventh."
"Silly fellow," Sirius observed sardonically. "What was he thinking, sleeping around like that?"
Claire burst out laughing. "You're a funny man, Sirius Black," she informed him frankly.
Sirius grinned at her, and winked. "I try."
-
By the third day of detention, Sirius found himself rather looking forward to a chat with Claire Delacour. He was not entirely sure why she fascinated him so much, but he assumed it had something to do with her indifference toward him, as well as her immunity to his inadvertent flirting. It all came down to the fact that Claire Delacour was one of the only girls to whom he could speak on non-romantic terms. All of the others became giggly, shy, or just plain whores around him, but she was head-over-heals in love with that Zabini bloke, and so had no interest in Sirius.
Sirius was not sure if he liked this or not; indeed, after so many years of getting whatever her wanted, this was something of a minor blow to his self esteem.
"So was that Roarke guy your first boyfriend? Or sort-of-boyfriend?" Sirius asked her point-blank after the door had been locked and Lamont had left them.
"Good evening to you, too," Claire replied, "and yes, I suppose he was."
Sirius nodded. "Fascinating… hey Claire, if you don't mind, I have more personal questions to ask you. Shall we continue with that tell-all game from yesterday?"
Claire rolled her eyes. "Well, you just used a question right there, so now it's my turn." She stroked her chin thoughtfully, and then dropped her hand back to her side. "Who was your first girlfriend?" she asked.
Sirius snorted. "Gee, what an original question."
Claire smiled sweetly.
Sirius sat back on a desk and blew air out of his mouth. "Um… Astrid. Astrid Kierkegaard, or however the hell you pronounce it. Third year."
Claire grinned at him. "Oh, I remember her!" she exclaimed. She nodded appreciatively. "She was really pretty!"
Sirius laughed. "Damn straight," he affirmed. "But she had those accursed older brothers… what were their names? Soren and something?"
"Soren and Lars," Claire put in, an exaggeratedly dreamy look appearing on her face. "And Lord, were they hot." She looked over at Sirius eagerly. "I went out with Soren, you know. For a while in fourth year, before I started going out with Hector."
Sirius raised his eyebrows. "Um, I'm happy for you, but he was a dick," he replied. "They both were."
Claire shrugged. "Hot dicks," she countered.
Sirius burst out laughing; being a guy, he couldn't help it. Claire joined in a moment later.
"So, what's the story with Astrid?" she asked when they had both caught their breath. "And why do you hate her gorgeous brothers so much? I mean, I still mourn the day Lars graduated, and–"
"Yeah, yeah, enough already," Sirius interrupted. "We all know how hot he was." He exhaled and stared off into space, recounting the tale. "Okay, this is a good story, so pay close attention," he instructed a moment later.
The gist of the story was as follows:
Astrid Kierkegaard was Sirius Black's first real crush. Astrid was slender and tanned, with white-blonde hair and incredible blue eyes. During their first year, when students were called up to try on the Sorting Hat and be sorted into their respective houses, all of the males in the Great Hall had craned for a double-take when Astrid's name was read. Even at the age of eleven, she had been flawlessly gorgeous.
It wasn't for another two years that Sirius quite understood his hormones. At that point, however, he, who had already been in the sights of a large portion of the female population for some time, figured that he might as well pursue what he wanted.
It proved remarkably easy. Once he realized that being blunt and straightforward ("You look very pretty today, Astrid" or "I think we should hang out at Hogsmeade this weekend, Astrid") was a flawless method of getting the girl to respond to his advances, everything ran like clockwork. That weekend in Hogsmeade, he kissed Astrid's perfect lips at a table in The Three Broomsticks and was only vaguely disappointed to learn that she did not kiss as well as Dilys Merwyn.
(Then again, it was Astrid's first kiss. She improved with time.)
Astrid had two older brothers, Soren and Lars, fifteen and seventeen, both very handsome and blonde and the object of affection for most of the fourth-year-and-above girls (such as Claire Delacour, then a fourth year) in the school. They were also ridiculously protective of their younger sister, and so, soon after making out with Astrid that evening in a deserted corridor, Sirius found himself being threatened.
"We don't want you touching our sister!" Soren said aggressively.
"Stay away from her, Black, unless you want another thing coming to you!" Lars added adamantly.
Sirius was incredulous. "But–"
Lars and Soren glared at him with matching pairs of sky-blue eyes. "Just stay away from her, Black," Soren hissed.
Sirius never got the chance to make them explain what they found so offensive about him kissing their little sister. As he had no sister of his own, he had no sympathy for what he considered to be a horrible act of injustice.
Of course, he continued to see Astrid; she was a tad quiet, it was true, but he was still completely smitten with how beautiful she was.
Astrid herself had been swept off her feet by how gallant and funny and, well, hot Sirius was. She had been receiving quite a lot of attention from the opposite sex ever since she had started attending school, but until now her brothers had always protected her from potential suitors. This was, of course, because she hadn't been interested in any of the boys before. She had always complained to Soren and Lars, and they had always gone to have a harsh chat with the lad in question. But Sirius had just been so quick, and so suave… Astrid had fallen for him, and not bothered to tell her brothers what was going on.
So it was that they heard about Sirius and Astrid through the grape vine, and, not knowing what to think, but feeling protective regardless, they had let Sirius feel their wrath.
Their mistake was in thinking that a forbidden relationship was a deterrent to potential lovers. Sirius and Astrid had a great deal more fun once they were forced by necessity to start meeting in deserted corridors or behind bookshelves in the library, far from the prying eyes of Lars and Soren.
In January of their third year, however, two things happened: first, Astrid and Sirius ran into Lars, who was making out with his girlfriend, in one of the tapestry-covered staircases that served as a shortcut between floors. Lars postponed snogging the girl, who looked amused, to hex Sirius. While he sat in the hospital wing afterward, waiting for Madam Pomfrey to get the tentacles off of his face, his resentment at Astrid's brothers shattered his cheerful adoration of Astrid herself. Thus, upon returning to the common room, he went to Astrid and told her that their relationship was over.
Astrid was devastated. She flipped out at her brothers, who in turn grew angry at her. The entirety of Gryffindor house listened to them screaming at one another in the common room.
"You can't keep involving yourselves in my life!"
"Au contraire, Astri, we can and we will!" Lars replied.
"Look, if you two are allowed to screw whoever the hell you want–"
"What the fuck! Are you telling us he screwed you, too!"
"NO! Soren, shut up and listen to me!"
"Astri, we don't want to see our little sister snogging every fucking guy who walks in the door!"
"But everyone does it! Why shouldn't I?"
"Because you're our little sister!"
Then Astrid said something seemingly very rude in Swedish, and one of her brothers yelled something back at her, and soon the entire argument was in Swedish and nobody else could follow it anymore.
At the end of the year, Astrid returned to Scandinavia for good. She had informed her parents that she flat-out refused to attend the same school as her older brothers, and after what were probably many fights and tearful complaints, they agreed to transfer her to a school in Norway, where, from what people heard about her later, she blossomed socially and quickly became popular and appealing, if something of a whore.
Back in the present, Claire chuckled. "I remember when they called her name for the Sorting," she recalled. "I remember, we all recognized the last name, and I did a double-take, too, she was so pretty."
Sirius smiled. "I wonder what she's up to these days?" he mused.
Claire shrugged. "Probably screwing every boy in Norway. But what's it to you, anyhow? That was years ago, pal."
Sirius laughed easily. "Ah, but she was my first crush. And she was so hot."
He turned to examine the stack of parchment they were supposed to be categorizing. "You know, I'm positive there's some way to do this by magic," he announced suddenly. "I bet we could spend, like, five minutes figuring it out and have the rest of these two weeks free to have lovely chats like this one."
Claire smiled. "No shit," she affirmed. "I was wondering when we'd get around to doing that… idiot Professor Lamont, not banning the use of magic."
Sirius nodded slightly in agreement as he prodded the parchment with his wand. "Yes, she is a bloody fool," he agreed, "but I can cope."
Claire slid off of her desk and came over to sit on one next to the stack of parchment. "Maybe if we just direct it with our wands?" she suggested, swishing her wand from side to side hopefully.
They spent the next ten minutes experimenting with different methods of categorizing by magic, smiling at one that translated all of the categorized information into Greek, and poking their wands in aggravation at one that caused the individual ink letters to come off of the parchment and dance around before settling back down in incorrect positions.
Then Lamont came back in, and Sirius and Claire hastily stowed their wands in their book bags and pulled out quills, pretending to have been at work for quite a while and hoping desperately that the Professor would not think to examine their work too closely.
-
"We could always just go with the Greek one," Claire suggested when she and Sirius had been released for dinner nearly an hour later. "We could be, like, 'You never specified that we had to put the finished product in English, so it's your own damn fault!'"
Sirius snorted. "Yeah, great plan, Claire," he said sarcastically. "And then we can make the letters dance around for her and put her in an even better mood."
"God, Sirius! It was just a suggestion!" Claire whined, pretending to be highly affronted.
Sirius smiled despite himself.
"But anyway, you're quite entertaining to talk to," she continued in a normal voice, "so I say we both dedicate a few minutes tonight to figuring out how to make stuff categorize itself. I'll ask some of my over-achieving Ravenclaw friends, even–" and here Sirius couldn't help but laugh "–and then tomorrow we can swap dirty secrets all detention long."
Sirius nodded thoughtfully. "Sounds like a plan," he agreed cheerfully.
Claire grinned at him.
"Hey there!" a voice called from behind them.
Sirius turned to see Hector Zabini strolling down the corridor and looking handsome as ever as he smiled with his perfect teeth.
"Hello, dear," Claire replied playfully, coming toward him and allowing Hector to kiss her.
Sirius felt oddly annoyed.
"See you later, Sirius," Claire called, as she and Zabini, their arms around one another, set off toward the Great Hall. Zabini offered Sirius a curt nod, which he returned resentfully.
Shit, Sirius thought. Shit, shit, shit.
James came up behind him. "How goes it?" he asked pleasantly.
Sirius turned to look at him. "'It?'"
James raised his eyebrows in surprise. "Life! The day! The world! Pick one!"
Sirius fought the urge to give a long commentary on the state of each of the three topics. Instead he said, "I think I'm falling for Claire. You have to help me."
James frowned. "Um… well, no offense, mate, but falling for random girls is an affliction of all men. Honestly, I'd be surprised if you didn't fall for Claire, what with spending two hours talking to her every afternoon. I mean, come on: she seems funny, from what I see… she seems to be entertaining to talk to… and besides, she's hot."
Sirius exhaled slowly. "I've noticed," he groaned at last, "and might I add that you are absolutely no help. Where's Moony?"
James smiled. "At dinner, I assume. Let's go track him down, shall we? I'll watch what he does and see if I can learn a thing or two."
Sirius grinned back at him. "You should," he agreed.
The two boys made their way down the corridor and several staircases to the Great Hall, which was full of students waiting to have supper. James and Sirius located Remus easily along the Gryffindor table; he was sitting and talking to Peter.
"Padfoot here is in need of aid," James announced as he and Sirius came up beside them.
Remus looked up at Sirius and raised an eyebrow. "Oh? What's up?" he asked.
"I've fallen for Claire," said Sirius pleasantly. The irony of the situation had caused him to lighten up a bit. After all, James was Sirius's best friend, but Remus was the best at giving advice.
Remus took a deep breath. "Well, sit down, young Sirius," he said, with all the air of a parent. He turned to look at James. "Oh, and you, too, young acolyte."
James grinned and sat down on Remus's other side; Peter scooted over to allow space for Sirius.
"Now then, I assume your problem is that she's going out with Zabini," Remus observed.
"No shit; I could have told him that," James interrupted.
"Shut up," said Remus cheerfully. He turned back to Sirius. "But there's more to it than that, isn't there?"
Sirius shrugged. "Well… it's just that if she weren't so bloody enamored of Zabini it would be so much easier to–"
"I see, I see," Remus interrupted serenely, and Sirius, James, and Peter all snorted. "Silence, fools," Remus continued. "Do not break my concentration… now…"
But none of them could help laughing at this point. Remus joined in, but after about a minute he finally said, speaking normally now, "Oh, shut up already. Padfoot, your problem is that you're used to always getting whichever girls you want, regardless of whether or not they have boyfriends, but – oh dear – silly Claire has already gone and fallen in love with somebody else. So basically, you have no chance, and you know it."
Sirius stroked his chin thoughtfully. "Ah, I see it now," he said, mimicking Remus's serene voice.
James laughed, but Peter said to Remus, "Where the hell do you learn this stuff?"
Remus shrugged. "Well, I took a course, you see, entitled, 'How To State The Obvious'…"
Peter, James, and Sirius all laughed again. "Sign me up," James volunteered. "I could use a refresher."
Just then, the platters and tureens on the table filled with gravy, chicken dumplings, hot buttered rolls, and shepherds' pie. The boys turned away from one another to help themselves to supper.
Across the room Claire Delacour laughed to herself over something Sirius had said during detention. Hector Zabini, who had come over to talk to her before eating, asked what she was laughing at, but she merely shook her head and continued to smile.
Phew! Glad I got all of that out of my system!
Review, please! Give me feedback on the story, or your opinion on HBP, or whatever. I'll be sure to respond to any and all reviews at the end of the next chapter!