Guilt
Something was wrong. Sheppard willed his limbs to move, but nothing happened. It took nearly all of his strength and concentration just to open his eyes. The sun was shinning high in the sky. He was lying in the middle of a clearing. Someone was coming; he could hear their footsteps crushing the grass. Teyla knelt by his side, she was crying.
"John, you have to get up. Now!"
She stood trying to drag him by his vest, but stumbled under his weight. Something blocked the sun. Sheppard looked towards his feet. Wraith. There were two of them. They laughed at Teyla's attempts to pull him away. Sheppard tried to yell, to tell her to leave him, but his mouth wouldn't work. He watched in horror as they shot her with a stunner and she fell by his side. The Wraith was on her in an instant. He slammed his hand onto her chest and began to suck the life from her. She convulsed in pain. God, no! He strained, trying to move. She was dying, inches away from him and there was nothing he could do. No!
"Teyla!"
Sheppard sat up in the bed drenched in sweat, his heart pounding. He jumped at the feel of a hand on his shoulder.
"John."
He reached for Teyla and crushed her to his chest.
"It was the Wraith."
She ran her hand through his hair.
"It was just a dream."
"They were killing you."
"I am right here and as you can see I am fine."
He sighed into her hair. It had been so real, felt so real. He pulled back to look into her eyes.
"How do I know this isn't the dream?"
She kissed him.
"Does that feel like a dream?"
It didn't, but then she'd felt real in the dream as well. Sheppard kissed her deeply and lay her back against the bed. He made love to Teyla until he was one hundred percent sure that she was real.
Sheppard sat at the conference table. Dr. Weir was giving closing remarks on the debrief. He glanced at Teyla. She was just barely able to keep her eyes open. His conscious nagged him. Last night they returned from an all day mission with just enough time to grab something to eat and crash into bed. They'd only been asleep for a few hours when he'd awakened from his dream. She hadn't got much sleep after that. Weir ended the meeting and approached Sheppard.
"John, Rodney mentioned you were hesitant about assisting in the 'memory prompter' experiment."
He sighed. McKay had been nagging him about that damn thing for weeks now.
"If by that you mean, I have a problem with a room full of scientists seeing and hearing my most personal thoughts, then yes I am."
And who could blame him? The 'memory prompter' was a device that was discovered in an interrogation laboratory that his team discovered on Atlantis. It was similar to the device used by the Tok'Ra, but this one could display visual images, provide sound, and record an individuals memories.
"I'm sure that Rodney would be able to accommodate you in some way. Say, if only he and Carson were in the room. Would you feel more comfortable?"
He sighed. This was a bad idea. But he agreed to it anyway.
"Sure."
Dr. McKay, who had been listening to the conversation from across the room, jumped in at that moment.
"Would after lunch be okay?"
Sheppard gritted his teeth and nodded.
Sheppard sat back in the chair and tried to relax. He glanced to his left.
"Rodney, I'll do this, but you have to disable the monitor."
"But why would we record the memories with the sound and not the visual?"
"You're not recording anything."
"But-?"
"McKay! Do you want me to do this are not?"
"Jesus Rodney, leave the man some privacy." Beckett implored.
McKay sighed.
"All right, but you have to promise to stay as long as I need you."
"I'll stay as long as I don't mind what you're hearing."
"Fair enough." Beckett replied.
McKay frowned and mumbled under his breath, something about quack doctors and paranoid fly boys. He pressed a few buttons on the console and then looked at Beckett.
"It's ready."
Beckett turned to Sheppard.
"Try and relax lad. Think pleasant thoughts, but nothing too personal. Try not to focus too much on one thing, if you do the prompter may lock on to it. You ready?"
"As I'll ever be."
"I'm going to attach the disk to your temple. There will be a wee pinch and then that's it."
"Okay." Sheppard closed his eyes and let out a long breath.
"I'm attaching the disk now."
Sheppard felt the cold metal against his temple and then a small pinch.
"Just give it a moment."
Sheppard heard two loud beeps and then the low hum of voices. Hundreds of voices from hundreds of memories mingled and suddenly fell away.
"Well that was different." (Maj. Sheppard)
"For me, not so much." (Gen. O'Neill)
"It was you. You shot that thing at me." (Maj. Sheppard)
"I though I told not to touch anything." (Gen. O'Neill)
"WOO! HOO!" (Lt. Ford)
"We're underwater." (Dr. Weir)
"Wow, cool!" (Jinto)
"I am Teyla Emmagan."
"I lost this years ago." (Teyla)
"The Wraith!" (Teyla)
High whine of Wraith Dart engine.
"Teyla!" (Maj. Sheppard)
"Where's Col. Sumner?" (Maj. Sheppard)
"This has to kill you." (Maj. Sheppard)
"You don't know what you have done. (Female Wraith)
"Cut it off if you have to." (Maj. Sheppard)
"You cannot hope to defeat me!" (Male Wraith)
"Can we not wait just a few more minutes?" (Teyla)
"Hey McKay. You got a little what?" (Lt. Ford)
"Teyla's part Wraith?" (Maj. Sheppard)
"We are going to defend Atlantis." (Col. Everett)
Gun fire.
"There are too many of them!" (Soldier)
People screaming.
Explosions.
"It that citrus?" (Dr. McKay)
Laughter. (Teyla)
"Get that god damned gate open. Now!" (Maj. Sheppard)
"Put your right foot forward, hop, hop, hop." (Dr. McKay)
"Are you daydreaming about someone we know, Major?" (Dr. Beckett)
"You trust me don't you?" (Maj. Sheppard)
"Now." (Teyla)
"John, you have to get up. Now!" (Teyla)
"Teyla!" (Maj. Sheppard)
"It was just a dream. (Teyla)
Sheppard turned to McKay.
"Turn it off."
"Wha-?"
"Turn it off. Now!"
Weir and Teyla laughed as they walked down the corridor. They had run into each other outside the mess hall and Weir invited Teyla to join her while she checked on the progress of McKay's experiment.
"McKay! Get this goddamned thing off me! Now!"
Weir and Teyla looked at each other and then hurried down the corridor. They arrived just in time to be nearly run over by Sheppard as he stormed out of the room. He glared at them and continued down the corridor. Weir and Teyla shared another glance. Weir continued into the laboratory and Teyla turned to go after Sheppard.
"What happened?" Weir asked as she walked into the laboratory.
What she found were two very stunned scientists. Beckett snapped to first.
"I think the memories got a little too personal."
Ah. She turned to McKay.
"Rodney, are you okay?"
McKay was still dazed. He'd never seen Sheppard explode like that and he hadn't enjoyed being on the receiving end.
"Rodney?"
He snapped to.
"Yes?"
"Are you all right?"
He sighed.
"Yeah."
"Did you learn anything useful?"
"I'm not sure yet, I'll have study the readouts downloaded into the computer."
Teyla caught up with Sheppard in his room. He was pacing back and forth like a caged animal.
"I knew something like this would happen. I knew it."
"What happened?" She asked.
"That damned machine latched onto my memories from last night. That's what happened."
"How much of last night?"
"Not much. The system stopped transmitting. McKay doesn't know why."
"If no harm was done, then why are you so upset?"
He paused, staring into space.
"I don't know."
"What other memories did you hear?"
"They were mostly of coming to Atlantis, meeting you……."
Teyla walked over to where he stood and placed her hand on his back.
"John, for the past week you've had dreams about the Wraith; the closer to today, the worse the dream. Why?"
Sheppard took a deep breath, but said nothing. He didn't have tobecause she all ready knew. They'd had this discussion before, many times. He'd awakened the Wraith and killed Col. Sumner. At the time, he'd done the right thing, but the consequences of his actions have been devastating. He lived with the guilt. It gnawed at him, every time he stepped on a planet recently culled by the Wraith and it made him second guess his decisions.
"John."
He looked to his side, watching her from the corner of his eye.
"You have to let it go. The Wraith were going to kill us. Anyone of us would have done the same thing in your place. Col. Sumner didn't deserve to die by their hand. No one does."
"Thousands have died."
"Billions died before you came to this galaxy. Nothing has changed."
Sheppard closed his eyes. She made it sound so simple.
"How is it that you have a ready response for all of my doubts and fears?"
"You are not the first to have them, nor will you be the last."
It was the second anniversary of the expedition's arrival to Atlantis. The evening was perfect for the celebration.The common area filled with cheers and applause as Dr. Weir concluded her toast. Everyone rose their glass, Atlantian and Athosian alike, and drank to the future of Atlantis. Many expected Teyla to say a few words next, but were surprised to hear Dr. Weir introducing Halling as the next speaker. The room grew silent. Halling looked to Dr. Weir, who nodded, then turned back to address the gathering.
"Teyla Emmagan has honored me tonight by asking that I speak on her behalf. Among my people I am what many of you would call a historian. I make record of special events and pass on stories of our history to ensure that our ways are not forgotten. For this particular occasion I felt it necessary to tell a story that has been handed down from generation to generation among the Athosian people for hundreds, possibly thousands, of years. It is what you would call folklore or legend, but it is a significant story none the less."
Halling began to tell a tale of a people who suffered for many years under the shadow of the Wraith. Until one day, the children of the Ancestors returned and raised the great city of their forefathers, bringing upon themselves the fury of the Wraith. Many died, but through hope, new allies, and perseverance the mighty Wraith were defeated, bringing peace throughout the galaxy. Halling ended the story with an Athosian prayer and thanked his audience.
Sheppard stood silently as the room once again erupted with cheers. Where had that story come from? And more importantly, why hadn't Teyla ever told him about it? He looked past Weir and Halling, and made eye contact with Teyla, but she simply returned his gaze.
"That was wonderful Halling."
Weir smiled.
"Why have you not told this story before now?"
He smiled.
"I have studied your people and came to realize that you do not put as much value into legend and myth as the Athosians do. But for tonight I felt it was appropriate."
Halling noticed the look that passed between Major Sheppard and Teyla, his brow knotted in confusion.
"Well thank you for the story."
He returned his gaze to Weir.
"It was very inspiring and much needed."
Halling gave a slight bow.
"You are welcome."
Sheppard lay in bed looking at the ceiling. It was late, but he was not ready to surrender to sleep. He glanced down at Teyla's head resting on his chest and lightly caressed her back. She was awake.
"Why didn't you tell me?"
She ran her hand across his stomach.
"Because sometimes you need to hear things from a different source and I wasn't sure how you would take the story."
She looked up.
"It wasn't meant to cheer you up or make you feel better. It was just something that I though you should know."
"Just another myth coming true?"
She lifted her head, resting her weight on her elbow, and glanced down at Sheppard.
"What?"
"Like Atlantis?"
Her brow knitted in confusion.
"On Earth 'The Lost City of Atlantis' is nothing more than a story from Greek mythology. It was the most beautiful city in the world, flourishing for more than 9,000 years. It was later destroyed by the gods when its people became sinful and corrupt. The entire city was swallowed by the sea within a day and a night."
Teyla smiled. Sheppard reached up brushing her hair to the side and caressed her cheek.
"Are you trying to help me not feel guilty?"
Her eyebrow rose.
"As I said before, I felt that it was something you needed to know. Take of it what you will."
She gazed into his eyes, then leaned forward and gave him a slow lingering kiss.
She was dangerous. Persistent too. He knew what she was doing. Directly and indirectly making him aware of things that could influence his thoughts; trying to assuage his guilt. Slowly chipping away at his feelings until there was nothing left, but love and trust. And damn if it wasn't working. Sheppard wrapped his arms around Teyla deepening the kiss. Being with her like this helped him let go of his pain and guilt, if only for a little while. Teyla eased back from the kiss and searched his eyes. Sheppard smiled.She smirked as he pulled her down into another kiss. A little while, for a drowning man, could last a lifetime. It could became a necessity, an addiction.