If anyone from the apollo/starbuck group are reading, don't get mad. I didn't steal this from avanexis, I just have a different ID here.

---Val

warnings: light spoilers/language/sex

She slammed her locker wearily with one foot, the clang of metal oddly dull and muffled to her ears. Clutching her small bag of toiletries, she turned towards the head and the promise of a shower with soap and a minute or so of precious hot water to wash the ash and blood and memories away. She could still feel the heat from the crashed shuttle as if it were still blazing next to her instead of smoldering on the landing deck with its pilot still at the helm.

They had saved the passengers, all five of them. She still couldn't recall their names. All her thoughts were on the man who burned with his ship. It didn't matter that he was too old to be flying, that he was dead before they hit the deck, that he'd had a heart attack. It didn't matter that she helped save five people from a fiery death. All that mattered was that when she closed her eyes, all she could see was Zack's viper exploding in a ball of fire and molten metal

She striped off her clothes, tossing the filthy garments in the laundry, and turned the water as hot as it would go, which wasn't very. Still, it was enough to melt the grime from her hands and face as she lathered both repeatedly with soap until she was standing in a puddle of pink and gray bubbles that were swirling down the drain at her feet.

"I did good today," she whispered, too low to be heard by anyone else who might have been in the room. In her head she knew it was true, but she was too preoccupied with guilt over Zack's crash years ago to let herself feel anything else. She wasn't being rational and she knew it. She had nothing to do with the people on that shuttle. She just cleaned up the mess.

Swallowing her senseless emotions, Kara poured the shampoo into her palm and rubbed the goop into her hair. Fingernails scratched along her scalp as she worked her fingers back and forth viciously. She was thinking of all the things she could feel guilt over. It was a lengthy list of sins that didn't begin or end with her role in Zack's death: going AWOL to Caprica; sleeping with Baltar; not being there for the old man when he was shot (which she still believed was her fault somehow); hurting Lee over and over again.

"Lee," she muttered as she closed her eyes and rested her palms against the gray shower wall, letting the water sluice away the remainder of dirt and suds from her head. If only the guilt could go down the drain with them.

I've hurt him so much, she thought as she rubbed her face with her palms one last time before turning the faucet off. She grabbed a towel and wrapped herself in it, trying not to notice that it was getting a little worn, just like everything else on the old battlestar. With water still dripping from her flesh and hair, she walked back to her locker to return her shower bag to its home and retrieve a tank top and shorts to sleep in.

She dressed quickly, glancing over her shoulder at Lee's empty rack as she pulled her gray tank down. He was on CAP for another hour, and Boomer…well…she tried not to think about her—or rather it—too much these days. Sighing, Kara rubbed her eyes then stretched her arms up and back behind her. She rotated her neck and winced at the stiffness caused by a series of ferocious knots. Giving herself a half-hearted massage, she stared at Lee's bed once more. The room was empty, so she gave into the temptation to lean down and brush her fingers over the dark blanket and pillow on his perfectly made bunk.

Letting her palm rest where his head would lay, she had the sudden urge to smell his pillow. She missed him. Missed the way he smelled like soap and shampoo, sweat and smoke, and whatever else it was that made him smell distinctly like Lee. She hadn't realized how concentric he had become in her life until he wasn't in it.

I'm just the CAG, and you're just a pilot. A pilot who can't keep her pants on! His words reverberated inside her skull, growing louder and louder with each repetition.

"Gods, he hates me," she quietly despaired as her hand that had been clutching his pillow a moment before fell limply to her side. "He frakking hates me, yet here I am seriously considering sniffing his bedding. I'm officially pathetic."

She shook her head, trying to adjust her thought process with the motion, but tears were already trickling down her cheeks and the sides of her nose. She swiped at them angrily, embarrassed to be crying even if there were no witnesses present. Crying was for silly little girls in dresses with scraped knees, or maybe for bigger girls with bullet wounds and knees that were torn to shreds. They certainly were not for grown women with nicely healed injuries and broken hearts. Apparently her tear ducts had other ideas.

Why did she always screw up? Why did she make the same mistakes over and over and over again? Why did she leave when the commander needed her most? Why did she sleep with Baltar? (In the past months she'd forgotten the exact reason, except that Lee had left her with the sleaze first chance he had.) Why didn't she admit what she wanted from Lee when she might have had a chance? Why did she have to love him of all people? Why did he have to be Zack's brother? Why didn't Lee love her? (Except for the fact that she didn't deserve his love, or anyone else's for that matter.) Why did she need him like air or water or flying (maybe more than flying as long as she was being honest)? And why the frak was she falling apart over him?

WhywhywhywhywhyThe question orbited around all the other issues in her head as she slumped down to the cold metal floor between their bunks. Sniffling, she kneeled on the floor and wept into her hands, vaguely aware of the pitiful moaning noises emerging from her throat. She knew she should move to her own rack, pull the curtain, and promptly smother herself in her own pillow. Anyone could come in at any time. That reasoning alone wasn't quite enough motivation to move her from the floor. Neither was the pain in her knee from kneeling on the cold hard surface too long, nor the need to retrieve something to wipe her streaming face with.

She didn't hear him as he entered the room, didn't hear the hatch close softly behind him. It wasn't until he crouched down in front of her and put his hand on her shoulder, work-calloused fingertips brushing lightly on her skin as they hesitantly settled, that she realized she was no longer alone. Her eyes flashed open, taking in his black boots, the legs of his flight suit. She couldn't bring herself to raise her eyes past his knees.

Her heart thundered in her chest, so hard and fast and loud she was sure he could hear it too. Her mouth was too dry and sticky to speak, but she couldn't think of any way to gracefully excuse herself. And then she realized he hadn't moved his hand from her shoulder. He was touching her, something he hadn't done since he punched her before she stole the raider and jumped to Caprica nearly two months earlier.

His hand rested cautiously on her shoulder, the touch almost imperceptible, but it was enough to send sparks of electricity shooting through her at an alarming rate. Her breath hitched, but not from crying. She hoped he didn't notice her trembling increasing, but she couldn't control it, couldn't stop it. Her traitorous body was basking in his presence, his touch; and that tingling sensation of pure want that she hadn't felt in ages was coiling like a serpent in her belly, slithering lower until she almost needed to moan. And his fingers hadn't even moved. She wondered if maybe she was wrong. Maybe he didn't hate her. Maybe she was still important to him. Maybe…

"Lieutenant…" he hissed, dashing her brief hopes with the use of her rank instead of her name. Even her call sign would have been better than that.

"Hit your rack. You have early shift," he ordered in that impersonal, professional tone she'd come to expect from him. "I need all my pilots able to perform their duties to the best of their abilities. That includes the emotional cripples."

Emotional cripple? She wanted to jump up and punch him in his arrogant mouth, or at least scream at him. She needed to do something other than sit there silently with her face in her hands and her eyes and nose dripping. But she couldn't. His last sentence, dripping with pure disdain, hit her in a way his fists never could, and she was suddenly gasping for breath as if he'd sucker-punched her in the gut.

Unfortunately, that electric tingle didn't disappear as soon as he lifted his hand from her shoulder when he stood and turned towards his locker. The main current was gone, but the aftershocks were still there, pulsing on her warmed skin. She hated him for it. Hated the way he made her feel, they way she needed him. And she especially hated the fact that he so obviously didn't need her for anything beyond a body to fill a viper on his roster.

Hear head snapped up at the clank of his locker shutting and she caught the bitterness in his blue eyes as he proceeded to the shower, shaking his head in disgust. He'd discarded his flight suit and uniform already, and she cursed the way her panties were suddenly moist as her abdomen tingled at the sight of Lee in his boxer shorts and nothing else.

When did I become so pathetic, she wondered as she stared after him. She pulled up the hem of her tank to wipe her face and questioned when it was, exactly, that had she started allowing him to think it was ok to treat her like trash.

"Frak that! I don't have to take this shit!" Kara spat through clenched teeth, jumping to her feet. It was time Lee Adama remembered just who he was frakking with. Just because she loved him didn't mean she wouldn't beat his ass when he needed it. Besides, she had nothing left to lose. At most she'd spend a day or two in hack.

Kara barged into the bathroom, slamming her way into the one occupied shower stall.

"Lee, you self-righteous bas…tard…" She gulped as she realized Lee was naked. Very…very…very naked. She'd forgotten that part when she'd decided to beat his ass in the middle of his shower. Her teeth caught her full bottom lip as she took in all that forbidden flesh. He made no move to cover himself, crossing his muscular arms in front of an equally defined chest as he stared at her incredulously. Her eyes darted to a partially hidden nipple and she unconsciously licked her lips. The man was sex on legs.

Oh Lords, don't look down, Kara! Don't look! Just walk out of here and kick his ass when he's dressed! Her eyes frantically searched for a safer place to focus. Lips? No. Eyes? Definitely not. She settled for his hard set jaw right below his left ear and cautiously took a backward step.

"Aren't you going to finish what you were saying," he growled taking a step toward her.

"No, I think it can wait," she hedged, attempting a smirk while retreating another step.

"I don't think it can," Lee replied as he moved with her.

"I said it can wait," Kara growled right back.

She started turning her back to him when Lee suddenly grabbed the front straps of her tank in one hand and jerked to face him. She sputtered as the shower spray connected with her face, drenching her front entirely. She hauled her arm back to hit him, but he anticipated her punch and captured her wrist in mid-swing with his free hand and slammed her body against the wall.

"What is your frakking problem, Kara?" he shouted, his nose barely an inch away from hers.

"My frakking problem is you, you frak-faced son of bitch!" She screamed, bucking her body against his as she struggled to free herself.

"Sure I am, Kara. Go ahead and blame me for all your frakups if it makes you feel better, I don't give a shit! You're nothing but a screw up pilot who will frak anything that moves!" he barked.

"Gods, are you still hung up on Dr. Baltar? Get over it! I have!"

"Of course you have! That's what you do! Frak 'em and leave 'em before you're even dressed, ready to move on to the next dick in line!"

Kara's eyes narrowed as he blatantly called her a slut, and she struggled harder to free herself, desperate to wipe that twisted smirk off his face with her fists.

"At least I'm not a stuck up, self-centered asshole who's so busy thinking about how he's better than the rest of us that he couldn't get it up even if someone desperate enough to frak him magically appeared!" She seethed, her green eyes piercing his blue ones with a look of pure venom.

"Not everyone needs to define their self-worth with what's between their legs," he spat back. "I seriously don't know what Zack ever saw in you."

Her eyes widened at the same time Lee's did, and neither of them could believe he had just said that. And then she was crying again, an animalistic keening sound ripped from her throat as she struggled fiercely to get away from him.

"Motherfrakker…get off me…let me go, damn it…" her voice hitched between sobs, her body writhing against his as she thrashed about wildly. Her tank top was completely soaked and stuck wetly to her breasts, luscious curves and nipples outlined sharply under the drenched gray fabric that was riding up between them, exposing the flat expanse of her stomach to the electric heat of Lee's body.

"Gods, Kara…" he moaned as she arched her back, inadvertently sliding her pelvis against his hardening member. His eyes slid shut and he bit his lip, head lolling forward slightly. She had to quit moving like that or he was going to lose it and do something stupid, like kiss her. Think with the big head, Adama, he thought, taking a deep breath.

"I hate you!" she screeched, hot tears mixing with the rapidly cooling water spraying both of them. "I frakking hate you!"

She bucked her whole body into his as she headbutted his shoulder. She hated herself because she knew it was a lie. Hated that she noticed how good and clean and sexy he smelled And she really hated how the aching wetness between her thighs had nothing to do with being in the shower.

Lee had taken as much of her violent thrashing he could stand. He was dangerously close to losing control—something he couldn't do without her understanding a few things first. Up to that point he had only been trying to restrain her, but then he went on the offensive. Thrusting a knee between her legs and pinning her hands above her head, he crushed her between the wall and his body, his bare chest flush against her heaving breasts.

"I didn't mean it, Kara. I didn't mean it," he breathed into her ear, tickling her neck. "I know Zack loved you."

"You never said he didn't." she cried as she banged her head against the wall in frustration. He was too close, and she could feel his erection pressing into her abdomen, stoking the fires of lust and desire in her blood as she realized he was hard because of her. She couldn't stop herself from sliding on the thigh between hers, pressing the seam of her shorts into her center, eliciting a delicious shudder that rippled through her body.

Lee felt the muscles of her thighs clench as a breathy moan escaped Kara's lips. Her eyes slipped shut for just a moment and he knew he was lost, knew there was no way he could let her go the way he had at the Colonial Day celebration. He inhaled deeply, filling himself with her intoxicating scent. He wanted—no—needed to kiss her, to devour her in every way she'd allow.

"I do know what he saw…why he loved you," he said, sliding his hands down her raised arms and up her neck to gently cup her face. He stroked her cheeks softly with his thumbs, over her lips, and she trembled.

"R…really?" she breathed, lowering her arms until her hands were resting above her head. "How?" She searched his eyes for a hint of malice…deception…something other than the intense look of want that was melting her from the inside.

"Because they're the same things that I see, that I love," he admitted, his voice low and a little gravelly. One corner of his mouth quirked up into a nervous half-smile as he continued, "I love you, Kara."

All the air rushed out of her lungs as her world toppled in on itself once again. Her heart was racing and she was entirely to hot to breath anyway; and did she actually hear him right? He loves me? He loves me, she thought, unaware that she was speaking.

"Yes, he does," Lee reaffirmed as he pulled her face closer. His lips descended on her open mouth in a demanding kiss, his tongue stroking against hers, coaxing a response from the still-shocked woman in his arms. Slowly she reacted, lips crushing against lips, tongue sliding along tongue in an escalating passion that threatened to consume them both.

Kara broke their kiss for moment to breath,

"I'm sorry, Lee," she whispered, punctuating her apology with tiny kisses along his cheek up to his temple. "For everything. I never meant to hurt you, I—"

"Shhh," Lee interrupted, stroking her swollen lips with the pad of is thumb. "I know. I'm sorry, too. Let me make it up to you."

He claimed her mouth again, plunging his tongue into its hot sweet depths as she clutched his wet shoulders and moaned. As much as he was enjoying the 'Kara in the shower' fantasy of his come true, the water was getting cold, so he reached over and shut the water off, his mouth never leaving hers. Her clothes were soaked and she was shivering from the cold, and Lee really wanted to frak her someplace warmer than a freezing shower stall in the head. Kara was still perched on his thigh, standing on her tiptoes when he slid his hands down her sides and back until he was clutching her round, firm ass and lifted her up. Instinctively, she wrapped her legs around his waist and ground her hips into his, causing them both to gasp from the shared friction.

"Lee, you don't know what you do to me," she moaned into his neck as one hand traveled lazily up her back underneath her wet shirt. His hand was warm on her chilled skin, his fingers trailing electricity everywhere they touched. She wanted to feel his amazing skin all over her body, everywhere all at once. She wanted to be so close to him she wouldn't know where one of them ended and the other began.

Kara stroked her hands over his muscled shoulders and back, nibbling and sucking his neck lightly until she reached his jaw. She swirled her tongue underneath and then over his earlobe before taking it into her mouth, teething and licking it until he shivered.

"I love you," she whispered into his ear before her tongue continued its trek down his neck.

Something broke inside him at her confession and suddenly he needed to have her, needed to be inside her, needed to make her his and only his. With a feral moan he claimed her mouth roughly, twining his hand in her hair and biting her lips, then nipping a path down her neck. He paused to lick the hollow of her milky throat, over her clavicle and down her sternum until her clothing prevented his progress.

Kara was panting and leaning back against the wall, giving him more access to her body. Everywhere he touched was on fire, and she wanted more, more, more. Wanted to be consumed by it completely. His hand left her hair and settled at her waist as he pulled her legs down and set her on her feet. Immediately, he divested her of her wet clothes, pulling her tank top over her head and pushing her shorts down to her ankles. He paused to look at her in all her naked glory. The image took his breath away. Her breasts were perfect, rounded and just full enough, dark pink nipples standing at attention. Her stomach was flat and her hips slightly rounded, and her sleek legs joined in thatch of dark blond curls. The rest of her was muscular because of her profession, but soft because she was also a woman.

"Lords, Kara," he breathed, "you're the most beautiful thing I have ever laid eyes on. Ever."

A rose hued flush spread from her cheeks down to her chest at his comment. She smiled, stepping forward to take his erect member in hand, and pulled him to her. He moaned and thrust shamelessly into the tight heat of her palm. Then he was kissing her again and his hands were everywhere, stroking and kneading her flesh into a heated frenzy that matched his own.

Needing to taste her, he moved his kisses lower until he reached the swell of her breasts. He cupped them, sliding his tongue over the soft flesh, avoiding her sensitive nipples at first. She moaned his name, wanting more. Finally, he took a nub into his mouth, sucking and biting softly until she was crying out. He moved his attention to the other mound, repeating the sweet torture that had her writhing against him.

His curiosity finally satisfied, he moved his mouth lower, swirling his tongue in and around her navel. He placed a small bite over her hipbone, and then kissed his way down her thigh until he was at her center. With his cheek resting on her thigh, he urged her legs apart and ran a finger lightly between her folds. She shuddered and gasped his name again. She was so wet and hot, and it was all for him. Spreading her nether lips with his fingers, he flicked the tip of his tongue gently over her clit, over and over until she was nearly flying apart. He plunged one finger inside her, then added another and pumped them in out of her slick channel.

"Lee…frak…stop…stop…" she panted, pushing his mouth away. "Need…need you…now. Now!"

She didn't have to ask twice. He stood up and lifted her above him. And then he pushed into her in one smooth upward stroke and they were both gasping.

"Kara…oh…wow…perfect…we're perfect."

He pumped into her, slowly at first but soon gaining momentum. Her legs wrapped around him as he pounded into her harder and faster and then she was coming apart at the seams, flying in a way she never had before with anyone else.

"LeeLeeLee," she cried out as she exploded and shuddered around him. It was enough to launch his own orgasm and then he was exploding as well as she milked him.

"Kara…oh, oh…oh Gods, Kara," he moaned as he spilled himself within her.

"I love you," she whispered as she came down at last, clutching him to her and kissing him almost reverently. "I love you, love you, love you."

"I love you, too. More than you can imagine," he replied, sated and happy as he returned her kisses.

"So you're bunk or mine?" Kara asked, waggling her eyebrows at him.

"Mine. I've always wanted to get you in my bed," he teased as he set her down and grabbed them a couple towels.

"Good. I wanted to sniff your pillow anyway," she said as she wrapped the towel around her and walked out of the head, leaving a very confused Lee Adama in her wake.