A/N: Long, rambly, and mainly dialogue. The dialogue does take place inside the Doctor's head, just in case anyone doesn't pick up on that. There are strong mentions of a Jack/Doctor pairing, as well as a brief reference to the Rose/Doctor one.
No, I don't own Doctor Who. Down, lawyers.
"Shut up."
"Do you really want me to?"
"Yes, that's why I asked." The Doctor was talking to himself. It was in his head, admittedly, but he wasn't sure if that made him more crazy or less.
"Oh. So it was just a request, not a command?"
"No, it was a command."
"But you said that you asked."
"Slip of the tongue."
"I know where you'd like to slip your tongue." What made him definitely crazy was the fact that the voice inside his head had been trying to convince him to leave his room and to seduce either one of his current companions for the past hour.
"Shut up."
"We've discussed the shutting-up part already."
"And yet you're still talking. You're worse than Rickey."
"I thought there was no worse than Mickey?"
"So did I. Then you showed up."
"I've always been here."
"No, I'd remember a voice in my head."
The voice shut up, finally, and the Doctor was left lying his bed, staring up at the ceiling and completely alone. Good. Very good. Even Time Lords needed sleep, after all. You couldn't go around saving time and space without taking the odd catnap. And you don't even want to imagine what would happen if-
"I bet he sleeps naked."
"What?"
"I bet he sleeps naked."
"Who?"
"Jack. I bet he's through there right now without a stitch on."
"Shut up."
"I bet he's waiting for you."
"Shut up."
"I bet he wants you as much as you want him.
"Shut up."
"Actually, no. That's impossible."
"No, it's not. Now shut up. You're pathetic."
"I'm not the one cowering in a bed and pretending I'm not fantasising about Jack."
"I'm not."
"Captain Jack Harkness. The name even sounds like it was lifted from a porn film."
"What would you know about porn films?"
"About the same as you know," Well, there was nothing to say in response to that, the Doctor thought grumpily. Another pause, his eyelids closed and he thought that he might just be allowed to get some sleep.
"It'd be easy, y'know?"
The Doctor groaned, opening his eyes again. "What would?"
"What do you think?"
"I never know what to think with you."
"Seducing Jack. It would be so easy. You wouldn't even have to try."
"We're not talking about this."
"It's be so easy… So easy to slip through into Jack's room, and take things from there. To place a kiss on Jack's neck or to lick at his ear to wake him up."
"Are you trying to give me nightmares?"
"So easy to grin wildly when those blue eyes lazily flicker open, and to let that grin do all the talking for you. So easy to kiss away the confusion and run a hand over Jack's smooth skin. Can't you imagine it?"
"I'm trying not to."
"So easy to memorise that body, to listen to the moans and sighs that you could bring to Jack's mouth. I bet he's a screamer. The pair of you'd probably wake Rose up, and then things would get really interesting. Wait, where was I? So easy to curl around the him afterwards and watch him sleeping, sweat still drying on both of your skin."
"I am not going to that. Or anything of the sort."
"But you want to?"
"No."
"Then why are you hard?"
"I'm n- Shut up."
"Fine, fine. Consign yourself to a life of loneliness and masturbation. See if I care." The voice harrumphed loudly in his head, but the Doctor had the feeling that it'd be back fairly soon. In the meantime, he had been left with an erection hidden under the covers that was both embarrassing and impossible to ignore. Just like that voice.
"Do you think he swallows or spits?"
"Leave. Me. Alone."
"I think he's a swallower. He looks like one, doesn't he?"
"Yes. I mean, no. I mean…urgh, we're not talking about this."
"Except for the whole part where we are."
"Shut up."
"I will. When you give in and just go through to his room."
"You're obsessed."
"No, we're obsessed. Or, more accurately, you are. Seeing as I'm you."
"Oh, don't get started on that again."
"Fine. Shall I return to the previous topic?"
"No."
"Alright. I'll pick a new one. Why do you jealous when Rose and Jack flirt with each other?"
"I don't!"
"Don't lie to me."
"I don't have to. They're both adults; they can do what they like."
"Even if what they like if screwing each other senseless?"
"Yes."
"Without inviting you along to watch? Or take part?"
"Stop being so immature."
"What's immature? I think a threesome sounds fun."
"Rose is nineteen."
"So?"
"I'm nine hundred."
"Ah. I see your point."
"You do?"
"Yeah."
"So back off." And the voice did. Momentarily. The Doctor even found himself able to catch a few desperately needed hours of sleep.
"I'm bored." The voice suddenly declared, cutting through a dream he'd been having involving him, Jack, a little known planet called Lawvmi and a – He shook his head, brushing away the dream. "Not that your little fantasy wasn't keeping me entertained, but I'm a little more interested in the real thing."
"I'm not going after Jack, so don't even start."
"Why won't you?"
"Just…because."
"It'd be fun."
"Probably would."
"Ah-hah! Ah-hah, ah-hah, ah-hah. I finally get somewhere."
"I never said it wouldn't be enjoyable."
"But…"
"But nothing. I'm not doing it, and that's finally."
"Prude."
"I'm not a prude."
"Fine. You're just frigid."
"I'm not frigid either."
"Then what?"
"Then nothing. Drop it."
"No. Why won't you screw him?"
"Drop it."
"Fine, if you don't like the phrasing. Why won't you go and make sweet-sweet love to him?"
"Somehow, I doubt that Jack's the type for 'making love'."
"True, he seems like a quickie-type, but I think we're nearing our problem."
"No, we're not. There is no problem. The only problem here is you."
The Doctor can hear a disbelieving snort in his mind. "Denial is not going to get us anywhere, Doctor."
"I'm not in denial."
"Yes, you are. And that denial is stopping me from getting laid, so let's work through it."
"Let's not."
"Well, I'm going to with or without your input."
"Yeah? Have fun with that. I'm going to sleep." He rolls over, and amazingly the voice lets him fall asleep. But he knows that it will be back all too soon to bug him some more.
He wakes naturally a few hours later, knowing somehow that it's very early morning. Too early for anyone to be up.
"Is it because you think it'll change things?" The voice pipes up before he even has a chance to open his eyes properly. He groans and buries his head into the pillow.
"No,"
"Is it because you think it won't change things?"
"What?"
"Well, I know you. I am you. You don't seem like a one-night-stand kind of guy."
"So what?"
"So, Jack does seem very one-night-standy."
"…"
"Meaning you think that you'll do him and that'll be it. He'll still flirt with Rose – and with anything with a heartbeat – and you'll still get jealous and - "
"You'll still hang around chattering my ear off?"
"Well, that goes without saying, doesn't it?"
"Why won't you just leave me alone? Who are you?"
"I'm not sure. Maybe your last regeneration,"
"No, I'd remember being that annoying,"
"Maybe the next one then,"
"In that case, I pity Jack when you get out. He won't stand a chance,"
"He wouldn't stand a chance right now, if you weren't so needy."
"Needy?"
"Yes, you're needy. So needy it's stopping us from fucking Jack like I want to, because you're too scared that he won't declare his undying love for you during the act."
"That's not it. It's just a matter of respect."
"No, it's not."
"It is!"
"It's n- I'm not getting into this with you. I'm not going to fuck him, or screw him, or do him, or any-of-the-other-words-you-want-to-use him anytime soon, so drop the subject."
"It'd be fun though."
"Shut up."