After recess

Judge Maidenhair wishes to apologies for the slow update on the Fop vs Freak case (as the media is calling it). It appears that several terrorists disguised at mops infiltrated the court trying in a protest against the use of the word Antidisestablishmenterianism, which is allegedly discriminatory against their beliefs in a radical way which is hereby termed 'blasphemous'.

The jury returns. No conclusion has been draw. More witnesses must be called.

"And now I shall call Mrs. Lovett," says the prosecutor.

Mrs. Lovett's testimony:

Well, I was just, um, ordering some meat for my pie shop, when I saw a man name Paul. Good looking fellow, plump, round, not too fat, though. Wot? That doesn't pertain to the matter at hand? A'right. Well, to get to the point I was, um, bringing Paul home for supper, when I saw the plaintiff driving a woman to the cemetery. Then, the defendant followed after her, on a white horse, too. I knew he was a count or a lord or the prime minister or something, so I was wond'ring why he was riding bareback. But, you know, times it hard; even harder than the worst pies in London. Well, anyway, later on the defendant had the woman on his horse and the plaintiff and his cab were no where to be seen. I thinks, that man just stole that woman from that other man! Poor thing. Reminds me of a story about a barber… Wot? That's all. Fine, sir.

Mrs. Lovett steps down.

"I now recognize the defense court," Judge Maidenhair says.

The defense attorney rises. "I now call Anti-Fairy Cosmo."

A smarter, eviler version of jury member Cosmo flies forward.

Anti-Fairy Cosmo's testimony:

Hello! I am Anti-Fairy Cosmo. I am very smart, much smarter than Cosmo! Ha-ha! What? Out of order, you say? Disorder brings bad luck! Well, anyway, everything said against defendant so-and-so is not true. Allow me to do an 'in your face dance': In your face! In your face! In your… What do you mean I must stop dancing? Oh, fine, I'll explain why I'm right. The reason is that, at the cemetery, the plaintiff what's-his-face was luring Miss what's-her-name into a mausoleum. That seemed to be a potentially unlucky situation, so I was there to make sure whatever bad thing might happen would happen. It did! Oh, goody! The plaintiff was just about to lock her up with the decayed remains of dear old dad, when the defendant road along. He came to defend, ha-ha, defendant, defend! Anyway, the plaintiff attacked first. I watched the whole thing.

Anti-Fairy Cosmo steps down.

"Your honor, this is a very unreliable witness," says the prosecutor, "He's not only an Anti-Fairy, but he has a record for taking bribes. I move for the information acquired from this witness be declared null until it is backed up by further evidence."

"Due to the contradicting information given by the previous witnesses, objection sustained," Judge Maidenhair says.

"Then I call Mr. Ku Klux Klan," says the defense attorney.

Mr. Ku Klux Klan's testimony:

Well, I were just off burnin' a few crosses on them ig-no-rant (CENSORED) churches, and was just a-lynchin' some (CENSORED-CENSORED-CENSORED). They was so (CENSORED). And, wha…? You say I have to stop them 'racial slurs' and 'religious discrimination'? Fine. I'll jus' tell it like it is.

You see, everything good and good on this good earth has been brought to us by the white Anglo-Saxon protestants. Everything good that didn't isn't good, it just looks sorta good. So, what we have here is a no good, yeller skinned, son of a (CENSORED), suing a good, honest, white, kind, white, hardworking, white, protestant… WHAT? Y'all say he's a Papist! I din' know I was doing no good deed for a heretic! Why I…. what'd ya mean I have to be thrown out?

Mr. Ku Klux Klan is drug down.

The court is in chaos. Miss Star Patchouli is in hysterics. The media enters the scene.

Court is forced to adjourn.

Judge Maidenhair hopes that a decision will come soon and also hopes that those following the case have not lost interested. Any witnesses that could be brought forward that a reader wishes to suggest will be examined and may be able to help resolve the case.

-JM

This program is brought to you by Barfaroni: Eat it, spew it.

And by…

Allan and the Others, you have ghosts, we bust 'em.

And…

Surly Shirley, the crabbiest grandma.

And by contributions from reviewers like you… Thank you.

Ok, um, just to clear some junk up. This isn't a Raoul bashing fic, it's a lawyer/legal system bashing fic. So, don't get angry.