Disclaimer: I do not own Hellsing, the nutcase who drew it does.

A.N: my first shot at a Hellsing fic, usually I write X fics, hope you'll like it.

Many thanxes to Abc and LadyAkki45 for correcting my stupid mistakes!

Pip Explains

The first Hellsing - Iscariot meeting ended, it's members leaving each to their lair.

Seras Victoria sat to the dining table in her room. A small lovely meal lay out before her on the white tablecloth, awaiting her to devour it as she did with so many meals in her life.

She tried to, she really did, she dipped her spoon in the soup and put it in her mouth but….

But she choked on it, her undead mouth rejecting the substance on her tongue as 'not blood', 'not real food'.

She spat it out, gagging and coughing, covering her mouth and blushing deeply at her foolishness.

She knew she can't eat this anymore and though she knew it she still ordered this redundant meal from Walter. Why? Stupid, stupid, stupid police girl.

"Is it painful?" a woman's voice, cold as ice, pierced through Victoria's self pitying.

Sir Integra Hellsing stood in her room, her face hidden in the shadows cast across the hardly lit room. Her sunglasses shone out like two gigantic eyes.

"It must be" she added, chewing on her cigar.

"Chief…!" Victoria choked once more, now from embarrassment.

A bag of medical blood slammed on the fledgling's table, landing between plates of needless courses.

Something reared a hungry head inside Victoria.

"I heard from Walter" Integra reared deeper into the shadows "this is the way you've been at mealtime lately." Her voice did not change it's tone along the sentence as if this was a briefing not a personal conversation between a commander and her soldier.

"Why don't you drink it?" now her voice softened a bit "the blood. You aren't human anymore. You are a vampire, Seras"

Suddenly Victoria felt tired, weary and worn out. She was blushing and mumbling with the pitiful expression on her face…what a lousy soldier she was. And all she could do is whine like a little girl "but…I…..I mean….that is….uh…."

Integra walked out of the shadows to the table. She took a knife from Victoria's unused cutlery set and, with the most uncaring expression on her face, carved a small line into her finger's flesh.

Blood began dripping from her gloved digit.

"M…..m…Miss Integra!" Victoria managed to squeak as the taller woman neared her.

She pointed the bleeding finger at Victoria, a near sadistic light in her eyes. "I've cut my finger. At this rate it might get infected. Lick it for me"

"Eh! Ah! Er, eh!"

"Lick it. That's an order. Are you not…bound to my orders, Seras?"

kicking herself mentally, pulling against her every muscle's objections, Victoria leaned forward and licked her chief's blood streaming down the white fabric of her glove.

"Be mindful Seras. Don't forget yourself and bite down, all right?"

Victoria finished her little cleaning job and removed her tongue from Integra's finger.

"The genuine article, 100 virgin blood" Integra smiled smugly "did it relieve you somewhat, police girl?"

Outside the room, watching the scene through a crack in the unclosed door, Alucard stood with Pip at his side.

"Ah! But zat explainz it!" the national-identity-less man suddenly called out.

Alucard gave him a small sideways glance. The look on the man's face triggered something in him. His most ancient senses told Alucard that this is going to be funny.

With speed beyond mortal ability and with several calculations over who might be around to listen and how he might reach them, Alucard grabbed the P.A's microphone and dragged it over to Pip. He did not forget to turn on all the switches in the little machine so that everyone will hear this.

He returned to Pip's side, holding the microphone in the shadows so the man will be able to speak his mind freely.

With the most open and innocent expression a vampire such as him could conjure, Alucard turned to Pip and asked "Explains what Pip?"

"Sir Integra being a virgin, it explanz everyzing about her!"

At the doorstep, inches from leaving the Hellsing building, four Iscariot agents stopped dead on their tracks. Yumiko, Heinkel, father Anderson and their chief Maxwell, all perked up their ears and listened carefully to the strange French sounding man who's voice yelled at them from the nearby loudspeaker.

Up at the big fancy meeting room earlier used for the big cross religious cults conspiracy, a half smashed wolf boy whipped his head up to listen, a sly little smile sneaking across his lips.

Inside Victoria's dining room the blood froze in the veins of two women, sweat drops began covering their bodies. One was awkward, the other slowly reached higher and higher boiling temperatures in her anger.

"It explains what Pip?" Alucard leaned in closer to the man, his grin widening to that somewhat psychotic expression he often has.

"Her rage sir Alucard! Her foul moods and little anger fitz! It iz because she haz yet to have a man inside her that makes her so sour!" Pip began gesturing with his hands.

"Victoria you zee, she too iz a virgin but she iz still young and she iz in the (he struck an innocent pose to match his words) 'oh, I am not familiar with ze wayz of ze world' kind of virgin so she is not yet so angry and snappy like Sir Integra

"But Integra, she iz what, 35? 40?" Pip rolled his eyes to the sky, spinning his finger in the air.

Inside Victoria's dining room Integra began shaking with rage "I'm only 23" she snarled.

Victoria's face was in a charming deep burgundy shade.

"She is angry at the world, and men especially, at not yet bringing her ze man to solve her misery and loneliness"

Maxwell began sniggering, his apprentices breaking into small giggles.

Schrodinger giggled out loud, kicking at the floor with laughter.

Alucard's smile widened as he began hearing his master nearing them.

But Pip was completely unaware of it, he raved on and on "She sinks 'what iz wrong wiz me! Why don't anybody want me? What iz wrong wiz thiz world! Why can't I get a boyfriend and shag like every other girl I zee in ze street! It iz impossible, what iz wrong wiz me?

"And zat's when she starts to reflect that anger at everybody around her, she sinks 'if I can't be happy then no one around me should be!' and so she beginz to yell and scream and kick and fight and be a bitch to everybody and…….what iz that you're holding in your hand sir Alucard?" cold sweat began covering Pip as he scanned and registered the microphone in the vampire's hand and the fact that his voice has been echoing back at him from the hallways' loudspeakers.

"I…..I waz heard all over ze place?" he whimpered, suddenly hearing footsteps behind him "I'm in deep shit, aren't I?".

Alucard smiled a now completely psychotic toothy grin at him and nodded.

Integra held Victoria's dining knife to his throat "You can say that again, nation-less man" she snarled in his ear, her blood thirst carried on her breath.

Down at the doorway Anderson scanned his three comrades, the wheels in his head slowly starting to spin.

He turned to Heinkel "'Aaa yuooo aaangri tha au maaan deaid naut tauoooch yi yaat?" he asked the agent.

Snarling, she pointed her gun at his head and fired.

Anderson collapsed to the floor, a hole running through his forehead. A few minutes later he was back on his feet.

This time he turned to Yumiko "'Aaa yuooo aaangri tha au maaan deaid naut tauoooch yi yat?" he asked the nun.

While he struggled to pronounce the words in a nearly understandable way, Yumiko had gone to sleep leaving her body to Yumi's control. Without even looking at her colleague, Yumi pulled out her katana and sliced the priest's head off.

Once again Anderson fell to the floor, his head rolling besides him….only to be back on his feet, his neck complete again, and turn to Maxwell. "'Aaa yuooo….."

"Shoot him" the long haired man growled, his soldiers obeying their command with a great amount of joy.

In Brazil, at Millennium's headquarters, a now healthy and complete Schrodinger snuck up to Rip's side. The vampire was just applying yet another layer of WD40 to her beloved rifle.

"Rip!" he leaped by her side "are you angry zet you did not have a man inside you yet?" he asked with a vicious grin.

Rip calmed her annoyance and turned an icy stare at the werewolf "no, are you angry uke boy?"

Schrodinger's smile disappeared; he folded his arms on his chest and turned his back to her.

Despite the violent times Hellsing was about to face, despite the need for every soldier they could find, despite the Queen's orders that all efforts and sources should be used against the old/new enemy, Pips spent the next two months in hospital and the next three months in therapy.

(end)