Disclaimers in Chapter 1

- - -

She knew there was something wrong as soon as he called. There was a distance, a coldness in their conversation that confused the hell out of her. There was something he wasn't telling her, and it went beyond the fact that he'd asked her to meet him in the semi but wouldn't say why. He just said he wanted information on some lawyer named Gilbert Cole, but she couldn't figure out how he fit into the current case. Not to mention the fact that Devon had said that he and Kitt had wrapped up their case in Montana and were headed home.

Bonnie was already spun up by the time the ramp went down and the familiar prow appeared behind the semi. She wasn't reassured when they parked and Michael got out of the car -- he seemed distracted and withdrawn.

"Hi there," she said hoping for a hug at least, but it seemed to barely register with him. He mumbled something that could have been 'hello' and then brushed past her to go flop down in a chair in the office section.

"Hello, Bonnie," Kitt said, almost too politely. It was almost like he was trying to compensate for his partner. "How are you?"

"I'm fine, Kitt," she answered, distracted herself.

"Did you find anything on Cole?" Michael asked.

What was going on? On Saturday he'd been sweet and affectionate and now it was almost like he didn't even see her. Was she that big of a fool? Had last weekend been a complete lie, she wondered, feeling slightly panicky. She had to fight to keep it out of her voice. "He's a lawyer here in Los Angeles. But I couldn't find a connection between him and your case in Montana. Which, incidentally, Devon seems to think you've finished up."

"We have. This is something different," he said, not meeting her eyes, staring off at some point in front of him.

"Oh," she said, her mind still racing. "Well, in that case, his assistant, someone named Stephanie Mason, was just arrested by the Justice Department for having mob ties."

That hit a nerve. He gave her a fleeting look, anger clouding his eyes, and then found something fascinating to stare at on the floor.

Bonnie waited for some explanation but when it was clear that none was coming, she turned in a huff and pulled open Kitt's door, none too gently. If this woman was some bimbo he picked up in a bar . . .

Bonnie turned her attention to making the necessary adjustments to Kitt, or at least she tried to. But everything in her field of view was bathed in red. What if last weekend was just a one night stand in his mind? How could she have been that far off about him? She really thought Michael cared about her. He'd been so nervous the next morning, so worried about her regretting things. Now it seemed like he didn't care what she thought. None of this made any sense. She wished he'd just talk to her, damn it. And if he wasn't going to . . .

"So anything I should know?" she asked Kitt meaningfully. "Any problems with any of your systems?"

"Everything seems to be working fine, Bonnie," he answered, obviously taking the out she had offered him. He probably didn't want to get caught in the middle of this. She couldn't really blame him.

Michael got up and paced slowly around the office area a few times before he came over to stand next to the driver's door.

"Could you get me everything you can find on the Justice Department's case?" he asked, still avoiding any direct eye contact in a way that was just maddening.

"Why? This isn't a Foundation case."

Silence.

Bonnie stopped what she was doing and glared at him. She was done with his stonewalling. Done with his refusal to talk to her. "Who is Stephanie Mason?" she asked, letting the anger seep into her voice. He owed her that much at the very least.

Michael stood there looking at the floor like he still wasn't going to answer her. She turned away, angry, ready to just get out of the car and refuse to do anything else. This was ridiculous! But then he slowly bent down and rested his arms on the top of the door. "Bonnie, in my other life when I had a different face, when I didn't have this identity, when I was Michael Long? Stephanie and I were engaged to be married."

It felt like someone hit her with a 2x4. In an instant all her anger was snuffed out as all the implications of what he'd just said flooded in. Engaged? It took her a minute to compose herself. "Michael, I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"Yeah. No one knows. Except Devon. Now you."

His eyes were sad but he was almost smiling, like he was happy to be letting her in on a little bit of his life. She wondered if he had even thought about what that would mean to her. If the love of his life, who he'd lost in the turmoil of becoming Michael Knight, was suddenly back . . .

Michael's head dropped, almost as though he was reading her mind. Or maybe he was just reading her face. She needed to get out of the car. Suddenly she felt a little trapped. Too close to him.

She slipped out of the driver's seat and backed away from the door. "I've programmed Kitt with everything I could get on Cole," she said when she found her voice again. "I hope it helps."

"Yeah, me too. Thanks a lot." He turned away to get into the car.

"Michael?" He stopped and turned back to face her. She wanted to somehow let him know that she wasn't angry. But she didn't want to get into anything right now. He was on his way out to investigate and while Kitt had been quiet through most of this, he was still right there. "Be careful," was the only thing she could come up with.

He reached out to give her arm a squeeze. That was something at least. Bonnie stepped out of the way as Michael got back in Kitt and they pulled out of the semi. She leaned against the cold aluminum wall, her head spinning. She wanted to be angry – it would be so much easier that way – but she had no right to be. She felt like the rug had been pulled out from under her.

She could only imagine what Michael must be feeling right now.

- - -

The last thing Bonnie felt like doing was seeking out Michael and Stephanie, but she couldn't exactly tell Devon that. She'd been staying in the background of this case as much as possible, just doing the research Devon asked her to do. She had resisted the urge to look Stephanie up, to find out who she really was. And she had stayed away from both of them after Stephanie had been shot. She hadn't wanted to intrude, hadn't wanted to see them together. Although it looked like that was going to be inevitable now.

She wandered out into the foyer and could see that they were in the solarium. Stevie was a lot smaller than Bonnie had expected – especially standing next to Michael. She approached them slowly, not wanting to interrupt. It also gave her time to size them up. She wondered if Stephanie knew who Michael really was. Bonnie guessed she would almost have to know. There were certainly features about Michael that wouldn't have changed with his face. Things that, added together, should tip off anyone who knew him well enough. She just wondered if Stephanie was paying attention.

Bonnie looked away as Michael put his hands on either side of Stephanie's face. It was such an intimate gesture and it was so painfully clear that he still really loved her. This wasn't an ex-girlfriend. This was someone he'd been deeply in love with, who'd been taken away from him. Now she was back. And he still loved her.

It hurt to see it up close like this.

But hanging in the shadows wasn't going to make this any easier. "Michael, Devon wants you," she said, approaching them tentatively.

He barely glanced in her direction before squeezing Stephanie's shoulder. Then he brushed past Bonnie as he headed toward Devon's office, looking more than a little upset. His absence seemed to leave a big hole in the room, an emptiness. And it left the two women alone together. Part of Bonnie would like nothing more than to hate Stephanie, to see her as the problem. But of course, she wasn't. None of this was her fault and she needed their help.

Bonnie walked over to Stephanie and put her arm around her shoulder. Stephanie seemed so fragile. It probably didn't help that she was still recovering from being shot, but it went deeper than that. She was so tiny and was almost birdlike in her movements.

"Are you alright?" Bonnie asked as Stephanie smiled at her gratefully, her hands fluttering around her necklace again.

"I guess so. I don't know." She looked down. "Have you ever put your trust in someone only to find out that it was completely misplaced?"

"Of course," Bonnie said leading Stephanie to the couch so they could both sit. "I think everyone's had that happen to them at some point."

Stephanie sighed. "I was so sure they were wrong about Cole. I really thought this was all a mistake. He's been so good to me the past year. I can't believe I was such a fool."

"You couldn't have known," Bonnie said, trying to be comforting.

"I know, but it just makes me so mad."

In a way, Bonnie was envious. Stephanie could at least be angry. She had a villain to blame, someone who was clearly in the wrong. Bonnie would have preferred to have someone to go after – someone to vent her anger on. She wished there was something she could do instead of just sitting here trying to cheer up the true love of the man she'd fallen for.

But the only thing she could think of was to help Stephanie, and therefore Michael, through this case. "Then let's find a way to bring him down, Stephanie," she said.

It wasn't going to make Bonnie feel much better, but at least it was better than nothing.

- - -

Kitt was pretty sure that the driving was doing Michael some good, or at least he hoped so. Stephanie was gone, Devon was cleaning up the cabin, and he and Michael were on their way home. Most of the drive had been spent in silence, but Kitt had been carefully tracking his partner's vitals and they seemed to be settling back to normal. He had even detected a decrease in the amount of moisture in his partner's eyes.

They were an hour outside of Los Angeles when Bonnie called.

"Hello, Bonnie," he said, turning off the audio feed to his cabin speakers so that he could talk to her privately.

"Hi Kitt. Devon filled me in, but I wanted to get a damage report. Are you okay?"

He was going to need a good wash and wax to get rid of the gunpowder residue but mostly he was unscathed. "I'm fine, thank you."

"Good." She sighed. "If you don't need me for anything, I was going to head home for the night. I can have Gates run diagnostics on you when you get in. He already said he'd take care of getting you recharged."

She was speaking quicker than usual and Kitt could sense the tension in her voice. He suspected that she just didn't want to be there when they got back. "That would be fine, Bonnie. Thank you."

There was an awkward pause before she quietly asked, "Is he okay?"

Kitt felt woefully inadequate when it came to understanding human relationships. He knew she was hurting -- they both were -- but he didn't know what to do to help. "I think so. Or at least, he will be." There was more than a little wishful thinking in that answer because truthfully, he didn't know.

"Thanks, Kitt. Good night."

"Good night, Bonnie. I'll see you tomorrow."

He broke the connection and re-enabled the feed to his speakers but decided not to tell Michael she'd called.

Kitt wasn't sure how to interpret the fact that since the discussion in the semi, they hadn't interacted much. But until now they hadn't seemed to be actively avoiding each other either. He didn't think that was a good sign. Kitt wished there was something more he could do.

"Almost home, huh, pal?" Michael said as the landscape around them shifted from rural areas to the bedroom communities on the edge of the Los Angeles suburbs.

"Yes, Michael." Kitt hesitated, not sure if he should bring it up. But then Michael had never been afraid to tell him to shut up. If he didn't want to talk about it, Kitt would certainly know. "Are you happy to being going home?"

Michael gazed off through the windshield. "I guess so, pal."

Kitt hesitated again. "If this is the wrong time to bring this up, just say so, but do you know what you're going to do about Bonnie?"

Michael sank back into his seat and sighed. "It's okay. I have to deal with it sometime. And to answer your question, no I don't know. I guess some of that depends on how she feels."

"Of course."

Michael hung his head. "I know this probably sounds terrible, but I've been so wrapped up in dealing with Stevie, try to help her, trying to decide if I should tell her, and what it all means or doesn't mean that I really haven't been able to think about Bonnie."

"It doesn't sound terrible, Michael. It's understandable.

"I just need some time to figure things out. Some time to think."

"Of course." Kitt couldn't do much, but he would do his best to be supportive. "If you want to talk about it, I'm not sure I'd be able to give any useful advice, but I am willing to listen."

"Thanks, Kitt, but I really think I need to get a few things straight in my own head first."

"I understand." Kitt waited what he considered to be an appropriate length of time to see if his driver was going to change his mind about talking. When he didn't, Kitt said, "Michael there is one other thing I'd like to say. I know I gave you a lecture on the way to Montana. In light of what's happened, I wanted to say I'm sorry about that."

"Why? It looks like you were right," he said with a note of dejection in his voice.

"Michael, I don't think they've done studies that cover this situation." Thankfully that got a small smile out of him. "There's no way you could have foreseen this. And whatever happens, I know you meant well. You just ended up in a situation with no easy answers. I care about both of you and I hope that together you can figure this out."

Michael tilted his head toward the voice modulator and gave the top of the dash a little rub. "Thank you, Kitt. That means a lot to me."

- - -

Why was it that Michael was only able to get time off when he didn't actually want it? The case was over. Stevie was gone – whisked away into the Witness Protection Program. Devon had suddenly grown a heart and told him that he could have some time off before they took on their next case. At first Michael had been happy to have the option of getting away, but after trying to come up with a place to go, he decided that he didn't want to go anywhere. At least not anywhere alone. It just didn't sound appealing anymore.

He'd left the confines of his suite today mostly because Kitt was threatening to pump in classical music just to get him out. But now all he felt like doing was sitting and staring at the leaves in the reflecting pool. It would have been better if they'd taken another case. He'd prefer to just lose himself in someone else's problems.

Another reflection appeared in the pool among the leaves. Michael kept his sigh to himself. He wasn't ready for this, but he knew it wasn't fair to keep putting it off either.

"Hi," Bonnie said quietly.

"Hi," he said, not looking up from the water.

"You look a little lonely out here by yourself." She paused. "But if you don't feel like talking right now . . ."

"No. It's okay. I wanted to talk to you." Eventually, anyway, he thought. Her reflection nodded and she took a seat next to him on the pool's edge.

"I've been meaning to thank you for being so nice to Stevie."

She let out a frustrated puff of air. "You don't have to thank me for that."

"I know, but I appreciate it."

"Did you really think I'd do anything but be nice to her?" she asked.

He didn't really know the answer to that. "No. But I guess I thought you'd be angry."

Her image in the water was facing him and he could feel her gaze on his face, but he just couldn't turn to look her in the eye right now.

"Michael, there was no way you could have known this was going happen. If you'd gone off with some woman you'd met in a bar, then yes, I'd be mad, but she was your fiancé. I'm not going to lie and tell you that I'm not disappointed or that it doesn't hurt, but no, I'm not angry."

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

"I know that. It's just bad timing I guess. Although it's better this way than . . ." her voice trailed off but he had a pretty good idea what she was going to say. He felt bad that it was probably very obvious to her where she stood relative to Stevie.

He let his head hang, feeling too tired and careworn to hold it up anymore. "Bonnie, maybe I just need a little time right now." That's how it had been after he'd taken on this life. He'd needed time to get over losing her, time to be able to consider taking a relationship seriously again.

She smiled sadly. "Does she know who you are?"

He nodded slowly. "Yeah. I'm pretty sure she knows." He hated the constricting feeling in his throat like he wasn't quite able to breathe. It was the same way he'd felt when he first saw the necklace. He wanted to punch something to let out his frustration.

"I don't think I could be comfortable in a relationship with you knowing that any day she could show up on your doorstep. It's obvious that you still love her very much."

He wanted to argue, to tell her that that wasn't likely. He wanted to say that if that happened, it wouldn't matter. But he wasn't going to lie to her. There wasn't much he could give her other than his honesty. He knew that right now, if he had to choose between them, it wouldn't be Bonnie. His heart belonged to Stevie. And she was right – Stevie knowing who he was did make a difference. When he first became Michael Knight, he'd clung to the idea that she'd mourned him and if she hadn't already, she'd move on. She had her life to live. But now she was in the same boat he was in – floating anchorless, having lost her family and friends. And she knew who he was. This time it was going to be a lot harder for him to let go of his hope that somehow they would end up together.

"I'm sorry," he said finally.

"It's not your fault. It would be nice if things were different. But they aren't," she said quietly. Then she looked away.

He took the opportunity to stop staring at Bonnie's reflection and actually look at her. The fundraiser seemed like a lifetime ago already. Impulsively he gave her a tentative hug, more for himself than anything else.

He released her and expected that he'd have the reflecting pool to himself again, but she didn't leave. She stayed there with her head down for a moment. Then she finally looked up at him again. "While we're talking there's something else I wanted to bring up. Something you should know."

There was a sinking feeling in Michael's stomach. He didn't like the sound of that. "Okay?"

"There's a post doctorate program at the University of San Francisco. I was accepted into it and I'm leaning towards going."

Michael was so tired of feeling like he was getting kicked in the stomach. "Please don't leave because of me."

Bonnie looked up sharply. "I'm not," she said firmly. "It's not that at all. I applied to the program months ago. It's a really good opportunity." She looked away and smoothed the creases in her slacks. "Obviously if things were different between us right now that would play a part in my decision. But with things as they are, I think it might be a good idea for me to take some time off," she said softly.

God, he didn't want to lose her too. "How long?" he asked, trying to keep his voice steady.

"The program runs for a year with a possible follow-on at MIT for another year."

One to two years felt like forever right now. He hadn't even been Michael Knight that long. He didn't want her to go, but it wasn't fair of him to ask her to stay either.

"I haven't formally accepted yet," she said, obviously leaving an opening for him. But it just made him feel like he was trying to hold sand -- everything was going to slip through his fingers eventually.

Bonnie didn't have to ask his permission to leave and yet she was. He really wanted her to stay, but maybe it was too hard for her to be around him right now. Maybe it really was the right thing for her to do, but it felt like hell. He choked back all the things he wanted to say. "If it's a good opportunity, you should do it." He took her hand and pulled her into another hug. "Don't get me wrong. We'll all miss you if you do go. I'll miss you. But if that's what's best for you, I understand."

She leaned into his hug and rested her head on his chest.

"Bonnie, I really never meant for this to be a one-night thing," he whispered to her hair.

She pulled back to smile at him sadly. "I know that, Michael."

"I wasn't just talking you out of brainwashing in the museum parking lot either. I do love you," he said trying to fight the tears that were threatening.

"I love you too," she said putting her head back on his shoulder. Michael held her, a mixture of grief, loss, and frustration overwhelming him. He hated feeling this way.

Bonnie pulled away first and sat staring into the water for a minute. Then she glanced at her watch. "I hate to do this, but I really should get back to the lab."

"That's okay. I think I need a little time alone anyway," he said carefully.

She nodded slowly. "If you want to talk about this some more, you know where to find me."

He tried to muster a smile. He really wasn't sure if he was successful. "Thanks."

She slipped away from him and followed the sidewalk back to the estate. Michael watched her as she climbed the stairs to the veranda and then disappeared into the building.

Just when he had finally been getting himself together as Michael Knight, the tide of his life had come in again, washing away everything he'd tried to build. It left him feeling scoured, featureless, and raw. He turned around so that he could hook his knee and rest his calf on the edge of the reflecting pool. He stared at the reflection that had only recently become familiar. Picking up a small pebble next to him and tossing it into the pool, he was reminded of the conversation he'd had with Devon. It seemed like ages ago that Michael had asked him what had seemed like an all-important question.

You telling me I can't ever love anybody?

It was the wrong question though. It was foolish of him to even think he had a say in the matter. He couldn't help falling in love.

No, there was a much more significant question he could have asked.

Can I ever fall in love with anyone and not be destined to lose her?

But Michael was afraid he already knew the answer to that question.

- - -
knightshade
June 27, 2005