Disclaimer: Sailor Moon no es mío.

HOW LONG IS FOREVER?

©2000-2002 by Kei

          The woman once called Tsukino Usagi stared listlessly out a pair of French windows from her seat on her mahogany canopy bed. The pale skin of her hands stood out starkly against the deep rose of the comforter, and at the same time her fingernails seemed to melt into it, and she wished they would take her with them.

          Sleep seldom came anymore. Most nights she spent lying in her bed, all alone, listening for sounds that were not there. Sometimes the cry of a child somewhere in the darkness jolted her from her reveries. These cries soon became her only source of a smile. The child that cried carried the name Endymion, as had her long-dead soul mate, the King of Earth, Chiba Mamoru, Endymion. In his veins ran Usagi and Mamoru's blood, for he was their many, many greats-grandchild, though her deceased husband would never know it.

          The moon shown brightly that night, and the white-haired woman could still recall a sad but beautiful night aeons ago when she had loved and lost Prince Endymion of the Golden Kingdom. He had died to protect her that time, and numerous times after, and she had likewise died for him. "I would still die for you, my love," she unconsciously whispered. "How I miss you."

          Why had nobody told her of this? Why had neither Luna nor Artemis ever spoken a word of the eternal life of Neo-Queen Serenity?

          At first, Usagi had tried ignoring the fact that as her closest friends aged, she remained young. The final straw had come on her one thousand six-hundredth birthday, when she looked in the mirror and realized she didn't look a day older than twenty-two, but all of the Sailor Senshi showed their age. At that time they were no longer the official Senshi, but it mattered not to Usagi. In her eyes they always would be.

          That year had been one of change for all of them. Makoto had stopped practicing martial arts that winter, and she moved much more slowly that she used to. Rei seemed to have lost her control over the eternal fire that burned in a large room in the castle. One day in April she had burned herself and hadn't been near it since.

          Minako, happy, bubbly Minako, no more looked like a model. She had wrinkles on her once youthful face, and her blue eyes that reflected Usagi's didn't shimmer as they used to. And poor Ami's eyes had worsened so much that she could no longer read the books that sat in the immense library of the castle.

          Michiru had contracted a serious case of arthritis in her hands and fingers, so playing the violin and other string instruments she so loved became impossible. Haruka, of course, was with her every step of the way, though she had aged as well. As the strongest, physically, of all the Senshi, she did not seem to weaken until the very end.

          Hotaru, though the Soldier of Destruction, had always been a bit sickly because of the accident so long ago in her father's laboratory. She faded quicker than any of them had expected, her body deteriorating to the point when she could no longer swallow. Towards the day of her death, she had to be fed via a tube in her stomach.

          Even Usagi's daughter Chibiusa seemed old. She could be mistaken for Usagi's mother rather than the other way around. Her pink hair was marred by thin streaks of grey, and her red eyes had turned dull. She herself became a grandmother on her and her mother and her daughter's birthday when Serenity III had given birth to a little boy named Endymion II. Usagi couldn't believe that she was now a great-grandmother, though she and Serenity III could have been sisters, they looked so alike, both full of moonlight and youthfulness and vitality.

          How long had it been since her first family died? Usagi tried to think, and it took her quite a while to process all the numbers, all the centuries, all the millennia. Of course, the power of the Silver Crystal allowed them all to live much longer than normal, which made the calculations that much more difficult.

          Eventually, Usagi gave up the figures as the numbers became greater and greater and her disposition became sadder and sadder. She couldn't stop the memories from coming back, the losses, the heartbreaks… 'Moon Mother, help me! I still miss them!' she thought painfully.

***FLASHBACK***

          Neo-Queen Serenity flew into Makoto's room to wake her, as she did every morning. As the queen, she was always up with the dawn, before all the other palace residents, and woke them. She flung open the forest green velvet curtains that blocked out the sun and whirled to smile at one of her best friends wincing and trying to hide her eyes from the blinding light, as she always did.

          But not this morning.

          "Mako-chan?" Her voice wavered with worry as she approached the bed. Makoto's flesh had grown pale, and Usagi noticed with a cry that her torso was not rising and falling with the in- and exhalations of breath. She pressed an ear atop Makoto's chest, but couldn't find a heartbeat.

          "Mako!" she exclaimed, shaking the woman vigorously, but it was too late. "Mako-chan! Please wake up, Mako! Mako-chan, get up! Breathe, please! Breathe! MAKO! NOOOOOOOO!"

          Her ululations of anguish brought the other grumbling Senshi into the room, and they all burst into tears to find their friend void of life.

          See ya, Usagi-chan, the Senshi of Protection's spirit said, and Makoto's body melted into the last visible star in the sky.

          Two weeks later the court was still in mourning for Makoto, and Usagi woke in the middle of the night when a small, airy voice sounded in her head. She pulled on her robe and slippers and rushed to Hotaru's room.

          "What is it, sweetheart?" Usagi asked, kneeling at the woman's bedside and gently grasping her pale hand.

          "You know that I have never been very strong, Usagi-sama," Hotaru said, her eyes closed in exhaustion, her voice barely a shadow of a whisper.

          "You are stronger than you think," Usagi replied tearfully, trying to deny what she knew to be the inevitable.

          "Tonight my last strength is leaving me, Usagi-sama. I see this beautiful white light in front of me. Makoto-san is beckoning me." She sighed deeply. "It's my time now, Usagi-sama. Give Chibiusa my love—forever."

          Then she was gone.

          "Hotaru-chan," whispered Usagi, sobbing into her cold hand. "God, no! HOTARU!"

Until we meet again, my queen, the spirit of Saturn's Senshi said before vanishing along with Hotaru's body.

          Usagi had to stay in bed for the next month. The deaths of two of her dear friends had put her into shock, and it took her some time to get over it.

          Rei, Ami, and Minako died that same year, within only a few months of each other. Usagi could barely cope.

          One evening, Usagi realized she had not seen Michiru or Haruka all day. She ventured into their room and found no sign of them but indentations on their bed where their bodies had lain. She knew their souls had already ascended to the heavens, and she grieved at missing the chance to say goodbye.

          Five months passed without incident, which gladdened Usagi. She went outside the Crystal Palace for the first time since the deaths of Michiru and Haruka. She was strolling through the rose garden behind the castle when she heard a sickening thud nearby. She picked up her long white skirts and rushed over in the direction of the noise.

          "CHIBIUSA!" she yelled, dropping to her knees beside her crumpled daughter. From the looks of it, she had unexpectedly fallen from the balcony above and broken her neck. Usagi felt that her death was immediate, and, in spite of all her pain and despair, she thanked the gods that her beautiful only daughter had a fast death.

          "Chibiusa, my sweet Small Lady, I'll miss you so," she murmured, kissing her daughter's dull moon symbol.

          Farewell, Mama! Hotaru's waiting for me! I love you! her spirit called out joyously, and then her body joined with space. Usagi dried her tears and went inside to inform Mamoru and Helios of Chibiusa's passing.

          Mamoru took it as well as could be expected, for she had been his daughter, too. Usagi left him alone as he wished, and went in search of Helios. She found him in a frantic state in a corridor of the palace.

          "Serenity-sama!" he blurted out when he saw her. "I felt something just now, something not good. A loss of some kind," he told her.

          "I know, Helios-kun," Usagi said sadly, taking his hand in hers. "I have some news about Chibiusa—"

          "She's dead, isn't she?" he breathed, tears streaming down his cheeks from his golden eyes. "I knew it. I felt half of me die. I knew it."

          The next morning he was dead from a self-inflicted wound. His body had disappeared long before, but from the droplets of blood on his note, Usagi and Mamoru deduced that he had committed suicide. The note stated he lived for his love, and now that Chibiusa had died, he had nothing to live for, so he would take his own life.

***END FLASHBACK***

          Usagi let her rosy lips turn upwards a bit as she recalled Mamoru during her emotional turmoil over the death of her friends and family. She didn't know how she would have survived if it had not been for Mamoru, her pillar of strength. He had been her only comfort, and then, one day, he was gone, too.

          She hadn't been repulsed by his aged appearance. With every wrinkle that formed, every arthritic malady he acquired, she only loved him more. Close to the end he walked with a cane, slowly. She never left his side, but held his hand and helped him along. The appreciation and love in his eyes was something she would not ever forget. The morning she had woken and rolled over to gently shake him into cognizance only to find him cold and lifeless had ripped her apart.

          At the funeral her grief progressed to hysterical crying, and she found herself in her great-great-great grandson's arms, being whispered to that everything would be okay, that Mamoru lived a long, good, happy life, and that he had loved her to the very end. Endymion III had held Usagi's shaking body in his arms until she used up so much energy that she fainted.

          'You are all dead and gone, but I'm still alive! I'm still alive, all alone, so physically young but so emotionally old. I'm thousands of years old, but I look twenty! WHY?' her brain screamed as she threw herself back onto the bed.

          She had contemplated suicide innumerable times, hoping to end all the pain and suffering, but she knew that her friends would not want her to do that. They would want only her happiness, but how could she be happy when her loneliness ate away at her like a virus?

          A knock sounded on her door, which startled Usagi. She couldn't be sure of the exact hour, but she knew the time was past one in the morning. She walked over and opened the door to find a small figure peering up at her through intense blue eyes.

          "It's the middle of the night, Mamo-chan. What are you doing up?" she asked, calling him the affectionate name the entire family used.

          "Couldn't sleep," the three-year old answered, rubbing his sapphire eyes sleepily. "Can I come in?"

          "Yes, of course," she said, ushering him inside.

          He climbed on the bed and put his head against one of the pink pillows. She sat again beside him and stroked his hair lovingly, wishing for a brief moment that he could transform into her Mamoru, but she briskly shoved the thought back.

          He looked so angelic, so peaceful, and she knew he loved her. He loved her as only a child could: unconditionally. He didn't know how ancient she was, how old, how sad. He cared only about skipping with her in the courtyard and being swung around in her arms. He just wanted to dance with her at the grand balls and galas held at the palace.

          "Princess," he said suddenly, sitting up, "Reiko-chan said today that you're really, really old. Is that true?"

          She smiled at the pet name he had bestowed upon her as soon as he could talk. "Well, sweetheart, I do have a lot of years. I've been alive a long time. Do you know what infinity is?"

          He bobbed his head up and down in response.

          "That's how long I'm going to be alive," she told him. "Maybe you won't be, but I will. I don't really want to be, but I can't die. There are times when I want to, but I know I can't."

          "You won't die while I'm here, will you?" he questioned, eyes wide and shiny.

          "No. I promise I won't," she murmured, kissing his forehead before letting him slip into sleep once more. She crawled into bed beside him and cradled him, forcing sleep over her weary mind.

          A thousand years later, Usagi's youthful body sat on a new mahogany canopy bed, a perfect copy of the fifteen others she'd had since that night she spoke with little Mamoru. He had passed away centuries before, and so had many of his descendants.

          Tears at the time of a loved one's death had ceased long ago. She couldn't cry every time she lost someone so similar to the ones she had lost first. If she did, Crystal Tokyo would be flooded.

          Using the Silver Crystal, an object that she utterly loathed for giving her this damned eternal life, she opened a portal into the Time Stream. She had decided the time had come to relieve Sailor Pluto of her duties as the Guardian of Time.

          She moved forward through the mists and smoke until she saw a tall silhouette in the distance, long hair blowing in a wind not there.

          "Hello, Setsuna-san," Usagi greeted her, and embraced her. They stepped apart and Usagi inhaled and exhaled deeply.

          "Hello, Your Majesty. What brings you here?" Sailor Pluto asked solemnly, garnet eyes inscrutable.

          "Time-related concerns bring me here, Sailor Pluto. As Neo-Queen Serenity, I've come to relieve you from your duty as the Guardian of Time. You may surrender your staff and the Garnet Orb and leave the Time Stream," Usagi informed her.

          The Time Staff clattered to the floor in Setsuna's disbelief. She threw her arms tightly around Usagi, nearly choking her.

          "Oh, I knew this day would come, but I wasn't expecting it so soon!" she said happily, showing more emotion in that one moment than she had in all her uncountable moments in the space-time continuum.

          "Before you go, though, you must retrieve the one that will take your place," Usagi added.

          "I understand," Pluto nodded, then picked up the staff and stepped through a vortex. She returned a minute later, trailing behind her a teenaged girl of about seventeen. She had fuchsia hair and eyes without color. Setsuna powered down and handed her transformation pen to the girl.

          "You, Kimiyo Tama, are now Sailor Pluto, the Guardian of Time. Use this pen to transform," she explained.

          The girl bowed low to Setsuna and Usagi before becoming the new Sailor Pluto. The queen and her companion joined hands, bid farewell to Tama, then went back to Usagi's bedroom.

          Usagi couldn't help but feel joyous now that she had her final Senshi, her final friend, with her. But her joy would not last. Setsuna died two and a half years later, of unknown causes. Usagi mourned her, then locked away her grief and moved on, much more slowly than she used to.

          Usagi celebrated her 20,000th birthday alone in her bedroom. She sighed, gazing out at the full moon surrounded by stars. A few of them seemed to wink at her, and she knew her friends were looking down upon her and smiling. She wanted to smile back, but had lost the ability to do so.

          She opened the doors and glided out onto the balcony, staring at the silver orb that was the moon, then her gaze moved to the infinite blackness of space.

          "Now, God," she said somberly, closing her azure eyes. "Now, more than ever before, I wish I could leave Earth and go to the people I love.

          "Perhaps I used to think living forever would be a grand adventure, but it's not. It's a fate worse than death. Nobody deserves this, not even me, with all my faults and my misgivings. People think that immortality is something to be won, or to be striven for, or to be hunted down, but it's not. It's not a gift or blessing, it's a curse. Nothing is meant to last forever except for love. So please, in the name of love, take me away."

          She shut her eyes and willed herself to be lifted up and borne to some faraway kingdom in the clouds. Amazingly, she was! She gazed behind her and saw silvery-white angel wings sprouted from her back were carrying her up into the sky. As she rose higher, she knew she should have been short of breath, gasping for air, but she did neither of these things.

          Her thoughts drifted as she drifted, and stopped when her feet touched solid ground. She stood before a long pearl stairway that led to a pair of golden gates. She started her ascension, holding her full white skirts up delicately. When she finally arrived at the top, she felt slightly afraid, but someone somewhere told her not to be frightened. She must be brave, must have courage. She extended her arm and grasped one of the gates with her slender fingers. She pushed it in and walked forward. In the distance, she saw familiar faces, all smiling. Tears spilled out of her eyes in elation.

          "Hey there, Usagi-chan! We've been waiting for you!" Minako grinned, embracing Usagi, followed by the other Inner Senshi. They kissed and hugged, and Usagi continued to meet the Outers.

          Haruka and Michiru were holding hands, but they hugged and kissed Usagi. Then she looked up to Setsuna, who gave her an apologetic look.

          "I wish I could have been there longer for you, Usagi-chan," she said, embracing the white-haired woman.

          "All is forgiven. You're here now," Usagi smiled, and gave her a peck on the cheek.

          "Mama!" a new voice exclaimed, and a pair of thin arms enveloped her. Usagi cried into her daughter's shoulder.

          "Oh, Small Lady, I can't say how wonderful it is to see you again. I love you so much, my daughter," she sniffled.

          "I love you, too, Mama," Chibiusa smiled, gently kissing her mother's cheek.

          Usagi and Helios hugged and kissed, and Hotaru greeted the former queen as well. Usagi left them and floated deeper into the pure white space.

          He looked as young as he had when they'd first met, and he wore a lavender tuxedo, but no white mask hid his enrapturing blue eyes.

          "Mamo-chan!" she cried, more tears bursting forth as she raced towards him and leaped into his arms.

          "I've been waiting a long time, my love," he said, embracing her tightly.

          "So have I."

—fin—