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Chapter 13: Lucky Days
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EVENING NEWS SPECIAL REPORT
Bulborb: *holding microphone and has heavily-combed hair* Good evening, I am Bulby McBulbysmith, covering the massacre at the Giant's Kitchen. Behind me you see the entrance to this place, where the Pikmin recently assaulted. Experts suggest that we shouldn't worry, as the defenses here are incredibly tight.
*Pikmin rise out of the hole in the background, carrying various Breadbugs, treasure, and such*
Bulborb: It has not been seen yet whether the Pikmin will succeed, but victory lies within our grasp.
*Pikmin walk up to the Bulborb and tap him on his shoulder*
Bulborb: Hello? *turns around* ...O_O
Pikmin: : )
*screen fades out as screams are heard*
Pikmin: *carry the Bulborb off, singing like the Smurfs* La, la, la-la la la, la la-la la laaaaa...
*TV turns off*
Titan Dweevil: *resting on couch* I love happy endings. ^_^
Raging Long-Legs: Exactly how was that happy?
Titan Dweevil: Well, the Pikmin killed something. That's always a good thing.
Raging Long-Legs: You could be next.
Titan Dweevil: Either way I'm rid of you idiots. ANTIDISASTABLISHMENTARIANISM! *marches off* *breaks through cave wall*
Widow Empress: Is Titan feeling ok? He's been acting strange lately...
Louie: *on Titan's head**hands in a hole on Titan's head* Excellent.... HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Raging Long-Legs: HEY TITAN! What's up with the weird guy on your head?
Titan Dweevil: It's... Uhh... A FUNGUS! YES! *wanders about aimlessly.*
Raging Long-Legs: I don't see anything different.
Widow Empress: I still can't believe those Pikmin would do that to my snuggy-wuggy...
Raging Long-Legs: Your WHAT!?
Widow Empress: Hurdy Durdy?
Raging Long-Legs: You're losing me.
Widow Empress: My Cuddle Fuddle?
Raging Long-Legs:... OH MY GOSH! Something happened to the Emperor!?
Widow Empress: What? Heavens no. I don't have any adorable nicknames for that little brat.
Segmented Crawbster: *falls down* WOAH! Guys! You have to check this out! *holds up Video Tape*
Titan Dweevil: No shiny DVD?
Segmented Crawbster: *inserts Video Tape into VCR*
*On TV*
Emperor Bulblax: Standing in front of camera in a Safari suit* CRIKEY! Look over there matey!
*Camera turns to Pikmin carrying a piece of treasure singing*
Emperor Bulblax: Look over 'ere matey! We got the average Pikminus Blu... Ish. Watch, as I stick my tongue on its face! Don't try this at home kids!
*Emperor Bulblax walks over to the Pikmin, who then proceed to beat him senseless and feed him bomb rocks*
Emperor Bulblax: Well, the last 29 blew up in my mouth... I bet this one won't! *eats bombrock* *goes boom*
*back to the bosses*
Widow Empress: I told him not to try that at home! Everyone I love is getting killed! ;_;
Raging Long-Legs: What about you?
Widow Empress: Oh yeah. I think I'm just going to stay at home now and wait to die like the rest of my family...
Segmented Crawbster: You don't have a home.
Widow Empress:... Oh... Right. I'll just stay in the Hole of Heroes then. *leaves, never to be seen again in this fic. Say bye! This is your last chance! Too late!*
Raging Long-Legs: If you excuse me, I want to enjoy my last few days enjoying the best games ever made. See you later. *walks out*
Segmented Crawbster: *stares at Titan* I left the... Needle in the haystack. I better go home and find it. *leaves*
*next day*
Titan Dweevil: *sitting in a room filled with balloons, confetti, a snack bar, and a large banner over head which reads "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" with "Birthday" scribbled out in crayon and "DEAD RANGING BLOYSTER DAY!!" written above it*... Nobody ever comes to my parties. Oh wait, I didn't invite any of those jerks! HA!
Louie: *pulls bottle cap out of Titan's head* (How'd this get here? And what's up with that annoying voice in my head? Shut up. I SAID SHUT UP!)
Titan Dweevil: I have my OWN awesome parties! With all my OWN awesome guests! Who are ME! And all my shiny things! Isn't that right, Optimus Prime?
Optimus Prime: I really need to stop some Decepticons now...
Titan Dweevil: SILENCE! YOU ARE MY SHINY THINGAMABOBBER!
*next day*
MAL: *morse code*Raging? I got some bad news...
Raging Long-Legs: You switched from Geico to some other car insurance company?
MAL: *morse code (it's gonna be Morse code for the rest of the fic.)*... No. The Pikmin are headed for my cave next. They already wiped out Widow's daughter. I need you to take care of my family when they come and kill me.
Raging Long-Legs: Don't say that! You know guns PWN more than feet! There! I said it!
MAL: No, you were right.
Raging Long-Legs: You mean.... Feet ARE better!?
MAL: No... The Pikmin will kill us all, one way or another. I'm not going to cower away and hide. I prepare to fight them with everything I've got.
Stellar Orb: (Can I come with you too!? Please!? The Pikmin are going to kill us all anyway. I want to see my dad PWN 50 or so of them before we die.)
MAL: Sure. Raging, make sure Disco Ball stays alive as long as possible. I have some Pikmin to massacre. *leaves*
Titan Dweevil: Hey, if it isn't Disco Ball! I told you you should've married me. But Nooooooo... You wanted to go with the weakling! Look at him now! He's gonna die! I'll never be killed by the Pikmin! HA! HAHAHA!
Disco Ball:... (Shut up you idiot. MAL beat you in every way. In Shininess, in PWNage, in sanity. He whooped you back in the New Year's Eve Boss Bash. So why don't you stop being jealous and try to find yourself a life?) *rolls off into the horizon*
Louie: Woah. You just got burned over a roasting fire.
Titan Dweevil: That's just my Flare Cannon. Anyway, I'm out. *walks out*
*next day*
Titan Dweevil: Everyone... everyone I've know is being killed... NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-okay, I'm bored with pretending to care now. It's nacho time!
*meanwhile, elsewhere*
Raging Long-Legs:... MAL and Waterwuss... These Pikmin are moving through us fast.
Segmented Crawbster: *watches video* Hmm... You know, I thought all those years we were just calling him Waterwuss because it was funny to mess with people's names. But I didn't know he was THAT big of a coward. Is that him... Groveling!?
Raging Long-Legs: Why are you watching that?
Segmented Crawbster: To get a feel for my enemies tactics.
Raging Long-Legs: I could've sworn their tactic was to just whack everything in sight.
Segmented Crawbster: It used to be. Now it seems to be "whack everything in sight... While using as little Pikmin as possible and taking his time."
*meanwhile*
GP: *plays Pikmin 2* Fear my one White Pikmin of doom! HAHAHA! *clears an entire floor of enemies with a single White Pik.*
*back to the bosses*
Segmented Crawbster: But anyway... I suspect tomorrow I'll be dead before my state of being even crosses your mind. At least I'll die in battle and not to some wimpy common cold.
Common Cold: T_T *kicks pebble* *sulks off*
*next day*
Raging Long-Legs: I wonder how Seg is-... Wait, never mind... He's dead.
Titan Dweevil:... Woah. We're the only ones alive?
Raging Long-Legs: Well, I'm next... When I go... I want you to take my place. I don't stand a chance against them... But you Titan... You might have what it takes to win where we have lost.
Titan Dweevil: Stop being nice... You're scaring me...;_;
Raging Long-Legs: Goodbye Titan, and good luck. I hope you can save this Empire.
Titan Dweevil: GEEKY!
Raging Long-Legs: *salutes Titan, then leaves*
Titan Dweevil:... YAY!
*the next morning*
Raging Long-Legs: *kneeling to Nintendo Shrine* I'm... I'm so sorry... I wish I didn't have to go so soon... I wish I could experience the Wii just once... I HAVE FAILED YOU MAYAMOTO-SAN! V_V
Antenna Beetle: I have an acting message from someone. Would you like to recieve it dude?
Raging Long-Legs: You mean where you have to act just like the person who sent the message, so it can be like having a conversation with something over a long distance? I'll accept.
Antenna Beetle: Here we go.. *clears throat* Well, well... If it isn't Geeky Long-Legs. You're still alive? Oh well, the Pikmin will fix that soon enough.
Raging Long-Legs: Segmented! You're still alive you swine!
Antenna Beetle: Ok, now that's just stupid. First off, Crawbster was no Swine. That, and I made sure the guards were gone before the Pikmin entered.
Raging Long-Legs: You mean... You're the...
Antenna Beetle: The killer? Yes. I am the killer. I think you know me quite well. Everyone does really, I have no trouble standing out. But... Maybe it isn't as obvious as I thought.
Raging Long-Legs: There's no way Titan could've done it.
Antenna Beetle: Silly Raging, always thinking with your feet. Think: What was the Grand Emperor's final decree?
Raging Long-Legs: Oh, that? He just wanted to make sure that after everyone died-... No... No... I won't believe it... It can't be...
Antenna Beetle: Oh, but it is.
Raging Long-Legs:... Of course... It was so obvious... But... The Grand Emperor was just joking!
Antenna Beetle: No matter how funny he thought it was, he still signed it into veto-proof law. When you and Sir Shiny get killed tonight, I shall take my rightful throne.
Raging Long-Legs:... This explains so much... It must have been easy...
Antenna Beetle: I don't like bragging, but it was definately a simple task for me. Anyway, I believe the Pikmin will be here soon. Be happy that I allowed you to die with the truth. *jumps out*
*five minutes later, in Nintendo Fan Heaven*
Raging Long-Legs: *looks into the distance* It's... So beautiful... And not a single Superman 64 or ET in sight...
GP's SNES: Hi!
Raging Long-Legs: What are you doing here?
GP's SNES: *sighs* I just died yesterday... I never got to finish Super Metroid with GP... Now I'll never know how that ends...
Raging Long-Legs:... You know, I do feel like playing some Super Metroid right now. How's about it? I'm itching to blast stuff.
*screen fades away with Raging and GP's SNES walking in the distance*
*At the Dream Den, soon after*
Louie: Ah... King Louie of the Bugs... Has a nice ring to it.
Titan Dweevil: But what about-
Louie: SILENCE SLAVE! You will obey ME!
Titan Dweevil: *starts tap dancing* Why you little PUNK! I'm gonna...
Louie: What's that? You can't do anything? I've hacked into your nervous system! You're nothing more than an exotic pet!
Titan Dweevil: GRRR! You were my friend!
Louie: I was... Myabe, for about five minutes or so. Get down! Here come the Pikmin!
Olimar: *lands with Pikmin* Louie!
Louie:... (that's it... Come closer...)
Olimar: *walks up* Well, here I- WOAH!
Titan Dweevil: *rises up* Rawr. Fear me.
Olimar: YAAH! *throws Pikmin*
Louie: What an idiot. Determined to use those carrots to the bitter end. They can't harm the Titan Dweevil!
Titan Dweevil: NO! I will not do what you say! I will break free-
Disco Ball: *appears in front of Titan Dweevil in a bikini*
Louie: You will obey... Yes?
Titan Dweevil:... Disco Ball... She would never want to see me like this... She was right... I am weak. Yes, I might be able to kill things, but that isn't true strength. True strength is being able to stand up to the truth no matter how ugly it is, and fight, no matter the odds.
Louie: NO! Stop the inner monolouge!
Titan Dweevil: That's why she like MAL so much. He knew he was going to be killed by the Pikmin, but he fought all the same. What am I? Am I just going to sit here with all my titles, a pawn to some idiot?
Louie: STOP!
Titan Dweevil: No. I'm not going to let my friend's legacies to be driven into the dust because some dolt wants to live in his little play world. *Shock Therapist starts smoking*
Louie: What!? What is that!?
Titan Dweevil: You know what Louie? I quit. *Shock Therapist drops*
Louie: WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?
Titan Dweevil: *Monster Pump starts smoking* What does it look like? I'm disarming myself. I'd rather die than be known as the idiot who let you take control. *Monster Pump drops*
Louie: But... NOT FAIR! This was my time!
Titan Dweevil: *Flare Cannon starts smoking* Heh. Here I was, all this time just rooting for the Pikmin. I was rooting for them to kill my friends... And now I root for them to kill me. That's some Class-A irony right there. *Flare Cannon drops*
Louie: Irony? I don't care about your fancy metals! Just kill them! Please!
Titan Dweevil: *Comedy Bomb starts smoking* It all comes down to this, and you have to ask yourself one question: "Do I feel shiny?". Well, do you? PUNK! *Comedy Bomb drops* It's time for you to go back to your minimum wage job... Wait, no, first you go to jail. Then you go back to being an idiot. I've led a good life... Filled with shiny things... But then again... There is more to life than shiny things... Goodbye. *explodes in a huge blast*
And so... Titan Dweevil decided to allow the Pikmin to kill him, to ensure that Louie got what he had coming to him. And that isthe tale of the different bosses. Well... I think you might still be wondering about ? and ?2. Well...
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Epilouge
*It is a dark and stormy night, while Titan is fighting the Pikmin. ? is standing near a window. ?2 walks in.*
?2: The Pikmin have reached the final floor of the Dream Den. Victory is ours.
?: Finally... Heh... It's all mine...
*lightning strikes in the background, illuminating ?. He is.... DOODLEBUG!*
Doodlebug: Grand Emperor... What a stupid sloth. I asked him if I would ever be a boss, or a Grand Emperor. He starts laughing, and then makes a decree stating that if all the bosses and himself are killed by the same species, I would be the Grand Emperor. Enter Olimar... I brought him a fresh Onion before he woke up. Then, I carefully guided him through the trials... Leaving no trace. Fast forward until now... All the bosses are dead. It couldn't have been done without your help.
*Lightning strikes again, this time revealing ?2 as... ANTENNA BEETLE!*
Antenna Beetle: Being able to edit any message I want to is so fun. DANCE PUPPETS DANCE! I could control everything they said!
Doodlebug: Yes, you shall be rewarded well for your services... But for now... *puts on cape* It is time to dispense of the hitmen... Or shall I say... The hitcarrots?
Antenna Beetle: I'll rally up the troops. We'll hit them hard right after the captains leave.
Doodlebug: LONG LIVE THE NEW EMPIRE!
*meanwhile...*
Kirby: *rides warpstar* *looks at watch* Man, how far away is this guy? *yawns*
FINISHED
Well, I bet you didn't see THAT ending coming! Ok, maybe you did. I don't know. Anyway, I'm finally done uploading it all and it feels good, but looking through it again for the first time in a few years I had some different perspectives about the things I did, whether or not they worked, etc. I'm considering writing one more chapter here which would double as a "my thoughts on X chapter" as well as a chance to answer any questions you might have remotely related to the fic, whether it's my favorite chapter/character/etc or to any specific character if you so desire. If you'd actually bother reading something like that say so in your review as well as any questions/specific things you're curious about.
Also, I'd appreciate it if you guys could post more about this fic than just "YAY it's over great last chapter!". I'd love it if you guys could tell me everything you could say about it... Your favorite chapter, your favorite character, what you thought about the end, favorite quote/joke… I just finished, so I'm looking for lots of feedback before I start working on something else.