A/N: I needed to write a bit of angst is all. Excuse any errors please!

Disclaimer: I do not own Full Metal Alchemist :sobsob:

Spoiler type thing! I think Al lost his 4 years of memory and was ten again when he was brought back in the anime...not sure but in this fic he has those memories and is fourteen. And I'm not sure if Ed dies or not in the end but in this fic, he does die.

IIIII (Al POV)

Oh, Nii-san. I know that you meant well for me. You would never hurt me on purpose, you've told me that on many occasions. If I would have known it would end up this way I would have stayed in that suit of armor, I would have anything to have you back. Why didn't you tell me? Were you afraid that I wouldn't have gone through with the transmutation?

Of course I would have refused. If I knew that you were going to die...Nii-san, didn't you think anything of yourself? Didn't you think your life was worth more then throwing it away just so I could have a body? Now everytime I look at my flesh all I can think of is the way you gave up yourself to create what I had lost. Of which I deserved to loose. I should have never meddled with alchemy to bring back mother. I should have stopped us. Then we would never had to have gone through all of this.

Should have. That's the key word. I can't change what I didn't do. I can't change what I didn't know. I just wish that you would have stayed.

How can I now live now knowing that my older brother gave his life up just so I could have a body? If you would have just thought for a second than you would see how much I would have wanted you to stay here. You knew you were going to die, you even told Roy, you told him to take good care of me after you were gone.

That's bull and you know it! I loved you more then anyone on this Earth. You were always there for me when I needed you. Now you're gone...finally at rest but I'm not. I'm the one who's left with the burden of knowing I'm the reason by brother's dead. The others say I'm to harsh on myself but the truth is that I am exactly that.

Did you ever think of how much we would miss you? By 'us' I mean everybody: Roy, Riza, Winry, Aunt Pinako, Armstrong, Havoc, I even invited Fletcher and Russell to your funeral and they came. Even now they refuse to leave because they want to 'take care of me'. There's nothing to take care of...I'm just a bit depressed. Everyone is.

Nii-san, don't think I'm not grateful for everything you've done for me. All of the sacrifices. Only if you could have survived would I have felt pure joy, instead of bitter-sweet pain. You were only sixteen at the time - you deserved better.

I've been talking to you for about an hour now and I think Roy is getting a bit worried. We re-built our old house here in our home town and he's staying with me, retiring for a couple of months from the Military. Fletcher and Russell are staying too. It's nice to have them around to play with because Roy's still a jerk sometimes but he's fair.

Your grave was here in Resembool. They were going to put you in with the many heroes of the Military that died in action but I wouldn't let you. Not that you don't deserve to be there, but I thought you would want to be put next to mom. You are a hero, Edward, to the few that knew the real reason that you died. I know that you'll always be my hero. The one that I look up to for guidance even when I'm in such mental pain like this. It hurts to think about your death and why, but you will always be my biggest hero.

I'll visit you tomorrow, Nii-san. I promise.

IIIII

I stood in the kitchen, looking as hungry as ever. Ever since I got a real body and was able to eat I've had a bottomless pit for a stomach. Never able to get enough.

"Al! You're back!" Fletcher said happily and I felt arms wrap around my waist from behind.

I turned around and smile. "Yeah, I hadn't planned on staying out for to long."

Fletcher blinked cutely. "Did you go anywhere else?"

"No, of course not. I just lost track of time."

"Good excuse," Roy, who was cooking dinner, said. "You know the curfew is 6 o' Clock sharp, Alphonse. Just don't do that again, alright?"

"You sound like an over-worked mother," I giggled out, making Fletcher chuckle along with me.

Roy snapped me a glare that told me to never say that again. I looked around and asked, "Where's Russell?"

"I'm here," he said, coming into the room. "So, Al, have a good visit?"

I nodded. "Of course." It might seem strange to have a decent time while visiting a grave but it was the only way I could ever connect with Ed.

"Winry's coming over too," Roy informed everyone. Then he ordered, "Get the table set up."

We all did as he was told. Of course we do because he was the one taking care of us. Fletcher and Russell would be leaving in a couple of days, which was kind of a bummer, but I knew Roy couldn't handle three kids for much longer.

Like he had said Winry came over, her fake smile lighting up the room. I do mean that it's fake in the nicest way possible. I know how much Ed meant to her, heck, he meant a lot to all of us, but I think Winry took it hardest of all. She smiles through unseen tears. I can just feel that she wants to cry for days and days over the lost of her best friend. I couldn't blame her.

There was conversation going all around me as we ate at the dinner table. I only picked at my food. Funny, I had been so starving before but now I didn't feel like eating. I felt more of digging myself a hole and staying there for a while. I couldn't help but think about Edward...it being all my fault...of how I failed him...how he died for me when he didn't have to...

Nii-san...I just...miss you so much. I want to be with you. I want to hear your voice again. I want so many things but it's out of my control, I thought angrily to myself. I wasn't angry at Ed, how could I be? I was angry at myself. I'm such a mistake.

I didn't realize it but tears started dripping down my face. Everyone stared at me, and when I realized what was going on I wiped them away with my sleeve.

"S-Sorry! I'm fine," I said, trying to force a smile on my face, but it was more of a sad smirk.

"Oh, Al, it's been hard for us all. You know that you can cry if you want to. We all have," Winry knew exactly what I had been thinking. I knew what she was thinking.

Edward. Why did you have to go?

That's what we wanted to ask. We asked ourselves everyday but what had been done was now done. Though if I could turn back time I would gladly do it. Just to see his goofy grin one last time...

I sunk down in my chair, the gaze of everyone making me slide down. I wanted to disappear. To let this all be a dream.

"You haven't even touched your food," Roy commented. "You know that you should eat, Al."

"I'm not hungry," I said quickly.

"I know you miss your brother but starving yourself won't make things better. You missed lunch and hardly had any breakfast. Now eat," He said forcefully. It was that angry-concern that we all know and love.

I knew that tone of voice so I forced it down. This body...I do not deserve it. Not for the price that it had been. For the dearest to my hearts life? I don't think that's a fair trade. Sure, I had a body, but now Edward was dead. There was no point. I should starve myself. I should do everything to get rid of this stupid body.

I hate myself. Or more to the point, this body.

More silent tears found their way down my face. I began sobbing. The loss was to much. Everything was to much.

"Nii-san...I want you back, come back...please!" I cried between sobs.

Winry came over and wrapped her arms around me, cradling me a bit. "It's alright to cry Al. I know how close you were to Edward...he was your brother after all."

I knew that everyone in the room felt a certain sadness. I could feel Winry's tears drop onto my arms.

This flesh...I don't deserve it.

"Maybe he should go to bed," Roy's voice was now more concerned than angry.

"Will he be alright?" Fletcher asked, worried also.

I felt myself being picked up into Russell's arms. "He'll be fine, Fletcher. I'll take him up to his room."

I cried into his chest. Russell somewhat reminded me of Edward making me think of back when we were kids, and when I would get hurt and cry, how Edward would hug me to make things better. He was the best brother that anyone could ever have and now he was gone. All thanks to me.

"Al? Look at me," Russell said as he carried me upstairs, Winry following close behind him and I think Fletcher behind her.

I looked up, my big blue eyes full of tears.

"It's alright to cry but cry for the right reason," he told me.

"R-Right reason?" I asked, almost in a whisper.

We went into my bedroom and he set me on my bed. With a sigh, he nodded. "You shouldn't feel guilty about your brothers death. He died so you could live on in a real body. He did it willingly, knowing the consequences."

"I know but he died for me! I would have rather stayed in that suit of armor if he were still here! It's not fair!" I used the blanket to catch my tears, keeping it over my eyes so the others couldn't see them. I was a bit ashamed, I would admit that, because boys weren't supposed to cry.

Winry shook her head. "Al...please, get some rest and then we'll talk some more."

Fletcher hugged me and smiled warmly.

Then they left me on my own. They shouldn't have...

IIIII

I'm not worthy...

That kept ringing through my head. I wasn't worthy of this body. How could I be?

Nii-san, I know you died to save me but there's no point in living if you aren't with me. I've had you by my side all of my life. I had never thought once about life without you by my side but now I know that I should have prepared for it. We were in a dangerous world...I just didn't want to admit it to myself that you could die. But killing yourself for me? I...I'm going to kill myself for you, Nii-san. It's only fair.

Equivalent Exchange, that's what it is.

I reached under my mattress, searching around for what I was looking for. Feeling a small prick I knew I had found it. I brought out a long, sharp knife that shined in the moonlight that came in through my window. The glint was somewhat frightening for I knew what was coming next.

I don't deserve this body. It should be torn apart! I thought to myself as it sliced over the top of my arm. I stopped, taking time to take in what I had just done.

Blood flowed a bit down my arm and I bit my lip as the pain throbbed in my mind. I knew that Edward had to have gone through a lot more pain than this - a thousand times more - when dying. I could handle this if he could.

I looked at my wrists. I could end it right here and now...so why was I hesitating? True, Edward had died so I could have a body but I had the burden of everytime I looked at myself in a mirror that I could clearly see my brother dying.

I'll join you... I thought then I stopped for a moment and looked at my window. Wait, Nii-san. I know a better place to do this.

IIIII (Narrator POV)

Roy knocked on Al's door a couple of times. It had only been ten minutes since he had been sent to bed but he needed to talk to him. There was something he had to know.

"Al?" Roy said.

No answer.

"Hello?" He opened the door.

An empty bed.

An empty room.

The window was open.

That could only mean one thing...

"Damnit all," he swore to himself as he rushed downstairs to the group that were finishing up their dinner. "You guys! He's gone!"

"Who? What? Slow down, I don't get it," Russell said, confused.

"He means Al, you idiot!" shouted Winry frantically. "Where did he go? Where could he go? My God, my God, my God..."

"Why would he do that though?" Fletcher asked.

"I don't know. But he went out the window," Roy informed. He was trying to keep his cool but his fists were balling up so tight that his fingernails were digging into his skin. "I do think I know where he ran off too."

"Where?" asked Winry, eager to know.

"Full Metal's grave."

IIIII

Al stood in front of the grave, the knife shaking in his hand. He was eager to do this but yet didn't want to at the same time. That didn't even make sense!

It was now or never. He knew what he came out here to do...just that the faces of his friends that were still suffering with him flashed in his mind. Shaking his head he knew that he couldn't turn back.

Nii-san probably wouldn't want me to do this, Al thought, feeling a bit weak now. His mental state was going out of the window. Rational thinking gone. All that mattered to Al now was that he would be with his brother soon. But he didn't care when he died that I didn't want him to go so why should I care about that?

Nii-san...! He thought as he painfully started cutting his wrist.

IIIII

"But why would he go to his brothers grave? To talk to him some more?" asked Winry as they started running towards the grave sight.

"I don't know. I just hope it's not what I'm thinking," Roy said. Al would be smarter than that. Much smarter than that.

"He could have just asked for one of us to go with him," Fletcher said, "I would have gone with him."

"Hey, um...you guys?" Russell stopped, making the others freeze in their tracks. "There's little drops of blood leading towards the grave sight. I...It's probably Al's."

Sure enough the blood that had been falling from the first cut was leading towards where he had been going. Now Roy knew that his suspicions were correct. He never thought that the cheerful Alphonse Elric would try to commit suicide but it was obvious he missed his brother so much he would do such a thing.

"I hate to say it but I think Al's going to commit suicide by his brothers grave," Roy said, barely a whisper.

"Oh no...we have to hurry!" Winry said then started running as fast as her legs would carry her. I won't loose another one of my best friends! He's like my little brother and I won't let him do this to himself! Tears fell down her cheeks, being whisked away into the wind. Al! You are so stupid! Just like your brother! Don't you care about the people that are still with you!

Winry had thought only for a second of doing that herself but she thought of all of the people that needed her. Especially Al. And now he was going to go and take the easy way out?

You better not be dead!

Fletcher, Russell, and Roy were close behind her. It seemed that Winry was bound and determined to get there first to cradle the little blonde in her arms, letting him cry once again. She had always acted as an older sister to the two Elric brothers and it was obvious she wasn't going to let the last one go.

"Al!" shouted Winry as she came onto the horrifying sight.

Al was stomach down on the ground, blood surrounding his arms as they were crossed in front of his head. He looked as if he were sleeping...

Winry dropped down next to him, her whole body shaking in a panic. What were they going to do? There wasn't a hospital in this small of a town and that's where he needed to go! She picked him up and looked at his face. He was looking a bit pale...

"He's loosing to much blood," Roy came up from behind Winry and scooped the boy up. "We have to hurry him back to the house."

"We need to get him to a hospital!" Winry snapped through her tears.

"We can't do that obviously because there isn't one nearby. Now just do what I say and he'll probably live!"

IIIII

"Get the bandages," ordered Roy to Russell as he set Al onto his bed. The boy nodded and went off to the bathroom.

"Will he be okay?" Fletcher asked, wiping away his own tears.

"I hope so, we just have to stop the blood loss. I don't know much he's lost already but..." Roy sighed and took the bandages from Russell who had re-entered the room. He started bandaging Al's slit wrists tightly so the blood coming out would stop.

He had already bled all over his bed and needed new sheets so Fletcher went to get those. Roy wrapped his other wrists, all the while hoping that they hadn't come to late. He had made a promise to take care of Al. It seemed now that he had broken it. Why hadn't Al came to him to talk? Al liked to keep things inside, Roy knew that, but he didn't think he would go so far as to hurt himself like this.

Why didn't you come to me? You know that you could have came at any time, Roy thought. He felt a certain amount of guilt, as so did everyone in that room.

Roy sat on the side of Al's bed, holding the boys bloodied hand, but he didn't care. He wanted Al to know he was there. That someone cared.

I should have seen this coming. He's always had his brother and now that he's gone he doesn't know what to do. I should have stopped Full Metal but...

"I have to do this, Mustang. You don't understand!" Edward shouted angrily, slamming his fist into the wall. "Don't try to say I don't have to either."

"But why? Don't you realize this is just plain out suicide? How much everyone will miss you? Did you ever think of that?"

"And did you ever think of how much I need to correct things? No matter how much Al says he's okay, I know the truth...that he wants his real body back. No matter the cost. And if I have to give up my life to fix that mistake then so be it. Just promise me that you'll take care of him after I'm gone, alright?" Edward sighed. "It's hard to think about...not seeing him growing up."

"Then don't do this!"

"How can he grow up when he doesn't have a body! I feel so damn guilty! It's my fault he's like this. Just don't tell anybody. And do your best to take care if him. And..." Edward handed Roy a note "...Give this to him when you think the time is right. It could be after I'm dead or few years from now. Just make sure he gets it. I don't want him to think I don't care or anything."

"Full Metal...you have my word."

"Thanks. You don't know how much that means to me."

...I couldn't stop him. He was determined to do what he thought needed to be done. I wish I could have stopped him. I miss having those stupid arguments with him. Guess you don't realize what you had until it's gone.

Roy took in a deep breath and ran a hand through his hair in frustration. "Umm...Roy? Do you want me to look at the train schedule?" Winry asked.

He knew what she was getting at. "You mean so we can get him to a hospital?" She nodded. "Alright then, go ahead. I'll start packing bags. Fletcher, stay in the room with him. Russell, you start packing you and your brothers bags."

Everyone nodded, knowing their role.

IIIII (Al POV)

I could feel myself slipping in and out of consciousness. I felt pain. Immense pain. My arms felt like lead, so heavy that I didn't want to even lift them, or for that matter so much as make a slight move. I wasn't able to make sense of what was happening or where I was.

Was I dead? No. I wouldn't feel pain, would I? I don't think I would. I had to still be alive.

It hadn't worked. What went wrong? What stopped me? Or more exact, who? I know that I cut deep enough to end my life. I at first could feel myself slipping away, going into a black out. Next thing I knew I was here. I did try to move but something was stopping me, something on my shoulder.

All that mattered to me was that I wasn't with Edward.

Nii-san... I could feel some tears slip down my face, my eyes fluttering open. The figure beside me was a bit fuzzy and I wasn't able to make out who they were at first. Winry? Roy?

Beside me was Winry, sleeping. We were on a train. We were in one of the seats and I was leaning on her, her arm wrapped around my neck and slung over my chest. That's what had kept me from moving at first. Roy was sitting in the seat in front of me. He was also sleeping.

Are Fletcher and Russell here with us? I wondered to myself.

Across the aisle from us were Fletcher and Russell. Everyone had fallen asleep which made me realize that it was the middle of the night. But where were we headed?

I started to feel a bit dizzy so I closed my eyes. They must have figured out what I was doing and saved me...I wish they would have just let me go. I don't want to be here. I don't want to be alive. I want to be with Nii-san! Why couldn't they understand that?

I was to weak to move or to even stay awake.

IIIII

My eyes opened up once again and I heard bustling around me. I saw a white ceiling above me. I slowly looked around seeing that I was in a room. An ivy of blood was flowing into my arm.

I must be in the hospital, I thought. It was kind of obvious for when I looked out of the door I saw nurses and doctors walking down the hallways. Looking down at myself, I saw that I was dressed in another set of clothes, no blood on them.

Then panic set in. Where are Roy, Winry, Fletcher, and Russell? Am I here alone? Did they just drop me off here?

I probably caused so many problems by doing this. They should have never tried to save me! They're probably sick of me and left. I don't care. I don't deserve such good friends. Nii-san is dead because of me. They must be angry. Drop me off at a hospital so I can't cause them anymore problems.

Good. I don't want to be a burden to anybody any longer. I shouldn't even be alive!

I looked at the ivy in my arm angrily. They were pumping blood back into me to keep me alive. If I had just lost a bit more blood then I would be with my brother!

I then looked at my wrists. They had been stitched shut.

No! I don't want this! I don't want to live! I thought, angrily pulling at the stitches. The pain was nothing to me. The pain was something I deserved. I deserved to die.

I got a couple out, throwing them to the ground beside me. A bit of blood started seeping through the partially healed wound.

"Doctor! He's awake and trying to pull out the stitches!" A female nurse shouted down the hallway then hurried towards me. She too my hands into hers and said, "Don't pull those out. Do you want to start bleeding again?"

"I do!" I said, frantically kicking my feet at her to get her away. "Stop the ivy! Un-stitch me! Let me die!"

"Calm down."

I looked to the right to the doorway. Roy was standing there.

I stopped my struggling and started crying again. I pulled the sheets over my head so I didn't have to look at him again. I couldn't bare the look in his eyes. He was disappointed. Who wouldn't be?

"Al, look at me," He said.

No. I wouldn't.

I felt the sheets being plucked away from my weak grasp and he stood over me, not a disappointed look, but a sad one.

"Why are you doing this to yourself?" He asked.

"You wouldn't understand," I whispered.

"Try me."

"Please, leave me alone!"

"I'm not leaving you alone like this, Alphonse," firmly replied Roy. "I know you're sad, feeling alone in the world. But you aren't alone. You have me. Winry. Fletcher. Russell. And do I have to mention everyone else?"

I wiped the coming tears from my eyes. It reminded me of what I wanted to say to Edward. Couldn't he see how he would leave everyone behind, feeling so lonely?

"I...I..." I sobbed, trying to get it out, but it wouldn't.

"You can tell me."

"I don't want to be here."

"That's obvious. You tried to commit suicide!" he snapped. I flinched and he backed off, taking in a deep breath. "But that's not the answer."

"You can say that easily, can't you? You aren't the reason that my brothers dead! I am! He died for me! How can I deal with that? Why was he so eager to die for me? How could he do that for me!" I shouted.

"If it was the other way around wouldn't you do the same?"

I couldn't answer that because it would be 'yes'. Of course. He was my Nii-san, I thought.

I wrapped my arms around Roy's waist and cried into his chest. He rubbed my back. I realized that he did it out of love but...it was so hard to accept.

"I want him back," I sobbed, looking up at my caregiver.

"I know. So do I."

"I want to join him...I miss him so much..." I said.

"That would be a waste of his sacrifice. He died so you could live. Do you want his death to be for nothing?"

"There's not point to live if he's not here with me!"

Again, I ignored all reasonable thinking and pulled the ivy out. The pain still meant nothing. The nurses and doctors all went nuts, pulling Roy aside and holding me down. Blood from the back poured onto the ground from the blood bag and I still struggled.

I started screaming.

"What's going on!" I heard Winry shout. "Why is he screaming! Are they hurting him? Stop it! Stop it!"

I couldn't tell if she was telling me to stop screaming or to get them to leave me alone but my mind was racing. All I could think about were all of the times me and Edward had promised eachother we would be there for eachother. So where was he now? He couldn't be there for me anymore!

"Let me go! Let me go!" They put leather straps over the top half of my body and over my knee's to keep me from hurting myself any further. I started crying, hyperventilating, and begging for them to leave me alone. "P-Please..." I said between sobs, my voice hoarse from screaming. "Don't let me live...it's to painful..."

"Are you hurting somewhere?" The doctor asked.

"Not physically, mentally. I can't handle it anymore."

The doctors face had sympathy but that's not what I wanted. I wanted the release of death.

"We need to get a psychiatrist in here," The doctor said. He looked at Roy, "Are you his father?"

"Er...n-no," He shook his head.

"Well where are his mother and father? Or legal guardian?"

"He has none," Roy replied.

I squeezed my eyes shut and turned my head away. I didn't need to be reminded of that too.

"But I'll take full responsibility for him," the dark haired man said.

Winry said, "And I'm a close family friend. If there's anything I can do, I'll do it."

"I'm a friend and I'll do what I can," Fletcher offered.

"Me also," Russell said with a smile.

Opening my eyes, they were blurry from the tears. How could I ever think they would abandon me? They were my friends. Like family to me.

"I'll sign for him to have a psychiatrist to come in as soon as possible. Nurse, please get on the phone and get a crisis counselor here," The doctor said. He looked at me and said, "It'll be alright soon. We will help you."

"But I don't want help," I replied.

He did ignore me and went over to Roy.

Why won't anyone listen to me! frustrated, I closed my eyes again in hope everything would just be a dream. That when I would wake up Edward would be there.

No such thing would ever happen.

He was dead. I couldn't change that. And that's what hurt the most.

IIIII

A while later a tall man, his blonde hair slicked back, wearing a white coat and baggy brown pants came in with a notebook and a pencil tucked behind his ear. Was this the psychiatrist? He didn't look professional to me but that was just my opinion.

By this time was un-strapped and able to sit up to get myself more comfortable. I knew what was happening next. I had to talk to this guy.

He sat in the chair to my left, since everyone took the chairs to my right. "Hello there, Alphonse, I'm Noah Vanni. I came here tonight to help you, alright?"

I was going to go and say something rude but Winry spoke up first, "Sir, can I ask you a question?"

"Yes young lady you may."

"How many kids Al's age do this sort of thing? Is it common?"

"I wouldn't say 'common' but yes it does happen often. Unfortunately kids tend to have suicidal thoughts in those teenage years," Noah replied. "Are you all his family?" He looked at his notebook, and apparently he had made some notes about me. "Oh, terribly sorry...so you're just his friends?"

They all nodded.

"I'll have to ask you to leave."

"But why?" Winry asked, shooting up from her chair in anger, a bit panicked.

"Calm down," Russell pulled her back down into her chair. "Sorry Mr. Vanni, she's a bit emotional right now."

"I can understand," the blonde haired man nodded. "But I must ask because I want Alphonse to be able to say anything without feeling as if he should hold back. I don't know what has been going on and I don't know if it includes one of you so please leave."

Roy stood up and sighed. He looked at me, reassurance in his eyes, then went out the door. Winry and Fletcher gave me a hug then started away. Russell told me everything would be alright then left.

I didn't want them to leave. I didn't want to talk to someone that I didn't know. This guy was a pure stranger. Besides, how could I explain my brothers death without mentioning the alchemy and me being in a suit of armor for four years? That was just supposed to be a secret between the Military, me, and Winry.

"So, what is the problem tonight?" he asked.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, a bit huffy. "I didn't even want to have them call someone here. I don't want to talk to anyone, especially a stranger."

"I'm sure that I'll understand."

"I doubt it." Really. I did. I doubted he would understand how it would feel to be the cause of someone you love dying.

"Go ahead. I'll do my best."

He had this daring look that I didn't like. I sighed and said, "It's...my Nii-san."

"Oh? And what happened with your Nii-san?"

"He's dead."

"I'm very sorry to hear that," He wrote something down. "Is this why you tried to commit suicide tonight?"

I nodded slowly.

"May I ask how he died?"

"It was my fault. He died for me..." Tears found their way down my cheeks.

"Could you tell me what happened?"

"I can't."

"If you don't tell me I can't help you."

"Who said I wanted your help?" I asked, sounding aggravated. Which I was. Very. This man dared to think he could understand the kind of pain I was in. Nobody understood. Not unless they had been in this situation they would never understand, not in a million years.

"Do you still want to die?" He kept on with the questions, ignoring my glare of anger that was so obvious.

I considered what I did have: My friends, having a real body, the choice of being able to live a normal life like Edward wanted me too, a stable home.

I considered what I didn't have: Edward.

That was enough to go over everything I did have.

"I do," I finally replied.

"Tell me why."

"I don't have Nii-san. There's no point in living without him!"

"I can think of five good reasons to live," He said with a smile.

"Oh? What are those?"

"Those four people outside of your door and most importantly yourself," he said, taking one of my hands he looked at my stitched wrist. "It must be hard to live but I don't think your brother would want you to kill yourself. If he died for you then he must have really wanted you to live no matter if he was here or not, right?"

I took my hand away, angry that he was right.

"Alphonse, the loss must be hard, but there are other ways do deal with this. Counseling is one option."

"No way!"

"Why's that?"

"Because...that costs money. A-And I don't want to be a burden to Roy..."

"Roy must be that older man that's taking care of you," He looked at his notes. "Tell me, has anything else been going on that you want to tell me about? That would contribute to this?"

"No." Truthfully I couldn't think of anything else.

"No abuse going on in the home?"

"Of course not!" I snapped. How dare he imply that!

"It's alright, it's alright. I'm not trying to offend you," he reassured, patting my hand gently. "It's a question I have to ask and I hope that you be truthful with me. So...how close were you and your brother?"

"Very."

"Alphonse-"

"Would you just call me Al?"

"Alright, Al, if we let you go would you hurt yourself or try to kill yourself again?" Noah asked and then there was a silence. I wouldn't answer. "Al?"

"Probably," I said. "I want to be with Nii-san so badly. I miss him so much. I don't even deserve to be alive...I don't deserve to breath...H-He died because he wanted me to live but now everytime I look at myself I see him! How can I live like this?"

"It's not your fault," was all he could say.

My eyes narrowed. "You don't know the situation. How can you say that and be so sure?"

"Because unless you did something intentionally it is not your fault."

"It was in-direct. I would have never done anything to hurt Ed. I loved him. He was my Nii-san. Someone to turn to. Someone to look up to. Now he's dead!" I titled my head back, looking towards the ceiling through teary eyes. "How can I look to him for guidance anymore? How can I survive? How will I survive?"

"I believe that you can make it, Al. I really do," Noah said with a nod. "There is always hope. I've only known you for about twenty minutes but I already like you. You are a very compassionate boy. I want to help you. Though you might not like what I have to say."

"Probably not? Ten to one I won't," I said under my breath.

"If you are so determined to kill yourself we have to send you to an institution. There's one here in Central."

Central? That's where we were? Once I thought about it my home town didn't have a hospital...I shook that from my mind.

"I don't want to go," I said, determined not to.

Noah looked dead-serious. "I think you should go. In my professional medical opinion you are a danger to yourself and should not be left alone."

"You can't do that."

"Quite the contrary. I'm sorry but if you don't go willingly then we'll have to take you by force."

"You can't do that," I repeated again.

"We have a car waiting outside to take you to the Vanni Society or the Mentally Ill. It's quite nice there and we can help you deal with this."

"I won't let you!" I jumped out of my bed. I was glad I wasn't hooked up to anything anymore because it would have been ripped out of me. I opened the door and ran past Roy, Winry, Fletcher, and Russell. Shouts of "Stop him!" and "Don't let him out of here!" filled the hallways.

I wasn't sure who was following me. I didn't really care. I just wanted out. I wanted to go and find someway to be with Edward once again.

I don't belong here... I thought as I ran outside the front hospital doors, knocking over a man. I started off towards the muddy streets where it had rained not to long ago. I belong with Nii-san. I need to be with him. I'm not a whole person anymore! I feel like only a half a person now!

The dark streets were lighted with street lights, making me wince at the brightness. I kept running like there was no tomorrow. I wasn't sure where I was going though. My legs started feeling heavier, soaking wet with mud that splashed all over my pants with each step. It was so hard to run and after loosing so much blood I was surprised I made it this far but I had to keep going. I just had too. My tears fell in unison with the rain that lightly fell down upon me.

I wouldn't go to that Mental Ill Society. I refused. It was so stupid that they kept offering me help when all I wanted was to die peacefully and quietly! I know that I would leave behind the people that cared so deeply about me, and I cared very much for them too, but the feelings of sadness, loneliness, and a bit of anger were so overwhelming that I wasn't able to handle it any longer.

I knew that they were following me and I saw a fire escape on the side of one building. Maybe I could throw them off then. I used my remaining strength (which hadn't been much) and jumped. I grabbed onto the bottom railing and tried to pull myself up. No use. I was to weak. I fell onto my behind, mud covering me arms and back.

Everyone surrounded me. Winry was crying either out of frustration or out of sadness. I could bare the looks of Roy and Russell. What broke my heart was when Fletcher looked so angry that I had ran.

I didn't care anymore. I shouted, "Fine! Go ahead! Take me and do what you want! Put me in a stupid insane asylum! I'll just kill myself once I get out!" I kicked mud at the doctor who dared to come near me. "You can't help! None of you can! Nobody understands me!"

I fell from my kneeling position. It felt like something was pounding into the back of my head, forcing me to fall onto my back. I guess that I really had lost to much blood to keep everything going at once. Before darkness swept over me I thought I heard someone crying. It was so familiar...

Edward? I thought before slipping away.

IIIII

"Do you want anything to eat?" The nurse asked.

I shook my head.

"You know, you haven't eaten since yesterday afternoon. You have to eat something."

Her eyes showed concern. That's not what I wanted. That's not what I needed. I leaned back in my chair, looking up at the ceiling. This place - Vanni Society or the Mentally Ill - was keeping track what I did twenty four seven. Now that I had been here for three days, I finally decided I'd rather starve then get help.

It was bone-chilling. My attitude was changing. I wasn't myself. Loosing someone can do that to a person and it's taking control of everything in my life. I know I shouldn't let it take over but...

"Go away," I told the nurse. "I want to be alone!" I stood up, turning by back on her. This was the 'play room' where every child came to relax. There weren't many kids in here besides me, maybe two, since it was the middle of the night.

"Alphonse-"

"It's Al!" I snapped.

"Well, Al, I'm going to leave the tray on the table for you, alright? My name is Jessica and if you need anything just ask."

I nodded, feeling a bit bad for snapping at her. After all she was just trying to help me. I sat down at the table where she set the food down and I sighed.

How could I end up here? Of all places...I'm not mentally ill either! I thought.

I looked over at the other two children, a set of twin boys, were holding hands, sitting in the corner with a look of fear on their faces. I had met a few other people but hadn't made any friends. Thing was, I didn't want to. In my mind I didn't belong here. I've told my counselor, Mrs. Annette, that a couple of times but she's probably heard that many times before.

I had thought of using alchemy to get out. I could use alchemy to get myself out of here in a snap but people were watching me twenty four seven! They would just bring me back in here anyway.

How could Roy, Winry, and the others just leave me here? Abandon me like this? They should just leave me alone and let me do what I have to do... I kept thinking to myself bitterly.

There was nothing that I could do about it. This was their decision. Though, I wish they'd take in my opinion. Nobody was listening to me. Nobody wanted to, it seemed like. They kept telling me that it wasn't my fault...that's all they said.

Not my fault? How could it not be?

My stomach growled furiously with me, alarming me that I had to eat atleast something. I took the toast and nibbled a bit.

"Al, do you want to go to bed?" Jessica came back into the room, bringing in another patient by the hand who seemed very attached to her. The girl who Jessica was bringing in couldn't be older then ten and clung to Jessica's leg once she saw me and the twins. "Now Merry, they won't hurt you. I promise."

"But the monsters are everywhere!" she cried, hiding behind Jessica. "Monsters! Monsters! Don't let them get me! Please!"

Jessica looked sympathetic to the girl. She said to me, "Don't worry, she's not calling you a monster. She see's these 'monsters' everywhere she goes."

Those were the kind of people they put in here.

I still don't think I am one of them.

"I...guess I'll go to bed," I said, trying to ignore the little girl crying hysterically. Now that I had been here for a few days I was used to people screaming, yelling, or crying. Or all of the above.

To tell the truth I wasn't the least bit tired but I might as well try. Nothing else to do.

IIIII

My roommate who has schizophrenia and often has seizures was up talking to people that nobody but him could see. Just so I wouldn't offend him I would say hi to them when I came into our room. My bed was on the right and his on the left, having our own separate things, but not much. All I had was a bag of clothes, some drawing things, a couple of books. I wasn't even able to keep my shoelaces, having to wear this hospital booties, because they thought I would try to hang myself with them.

I probably would too. I miss Edward so much...

I sat on my bed and my roommate, Chris, said, "Al, you didn't say Zorc when you came in."

Zorc to him meant 'Hello'. He had a bunch of other words too that confused me. His friends were really just voices in his head, but he thought he saw them as real people too, and there was Martian, Senleretta, and Volteron. Creative, I would say.

"Zorc," I said with a small wave. I really wasn't in the mood.

"I'm wide awake. Do you want to do something?" Chris asked me and his imaginary friends. "Martian, don't you dare! Stop fighting with Senleretta! No! Don't cry, Sen-Sen, he didn't mean it."

He was now talking to the wall where I guess his friends were, ignoring everything else around him. Chris usually acted like this all of the time. It didn't disturb me so much as keep me from trying to suffocate myself with a pillow. If I tried anything, which I had already tried (taking off the sheets and wrapping them around my neck), Chris would start shrieking for help. I don't know why I freaked him out so much but he wouldn't stop crying.

I guess there was something wrong with me, trying so far as to choke myself, but I really so no use in me living. Not without Edward. He was my support. My reason for going on. My brother was my last hope. Now that it had been taken from me so un-expectedly I felt that I hand no choice.

I dug through my bag, opening up a small photo album. I couldn't believe that he was gone...I looked at the pictures, seeing us with all of our old friends. Him with all of his Military companions by his side, standing there so proudly, saluting to the camera with that ever-popular smile on his face. He seemed to light up a room when he came in. It was really unbelievable that he was taken away...all because of me.

Oh Nii-san. What should I do? I thought, holding back the tears. What would you do if the situation were turned around? Would you follow me? Should I follow you? What the heck should I do? I need answer. Please. Tell me...

"Dingle-Bervis!" said Chris to me. That meant 'Goodnight'.

I didn't reply as the lights went out. I couldn't. I was to busy getting my pain out through tears.

IIIII

The next day I woke up with somebody shaking me. It was Chris who seemed very excited. "Wake up, Al!"

After sitting up, I rubbed my eyes. "What?"

"Jessica said that you have some visitors waiting for you in the Waiting Room."

"Visitors?" I repeated, sort of excited.

Chris nodded and said, "Jessica said to meet her at the Waiting Room." He turned to his right and hissed, "No you can't go with him, Sen-Sen," He looked at me then whispered, "Senleretta has a crush on you."

"Oh, joy," nervously I said with a sweatdrop.

"Umm...Al?" Chris asked me, following me to the door.

"Yeah?"

"Do...Do you think I'll ever have any visitors? I've been here for about a month and neither my Mom or my Dad have come to see me."

I smiled. Besides his problems he was a nice boy. "Tell you what - when I get out of here I'll come and visit you every day until I go to my hometown. Is that alright with you?"

"Really? You'll visit me?" His eyes brightened up. "When are you getting out of here though...cause I want to know when I'll be alone again..."

I shook my head. "I don't know. But I promise, alright?"

I went out towards the Visitors Room to see Roy and Winry. I ran to them and hugged Winry first for I was still mad at Roy for signing me into this place.

"I'm happy to see you guys," I said with a smile.

"Good to see you too. How's everything been going?" asked Winry, running her hand through my hair. It felt kind of nice. I hugged her even more, liking the feeling of knowing someone still loved me.

Though, I wasn't sure how to answer her question. Then I said, "I'm dealing with it."

"Good to hear," Winry replied.

"Where's Fletcher and Russell?" I asked hoping that they were here too.

"Sorry, Al, but they had to go back to their hometown. But they got you something though I don't know if you can have it," Winry said, reaching into her skirts pocket. She brought out a photo frame with a picture of me and them at the riverside, waving towards the camera.

"He can have it," assured Jessica.

After I took the picture into my hands, it occurred to me that Roy hadn't said a word yet. I looked up at Roy with a bit of a glare. He ruffled my hair. He probably knew that I was still angry so he didn't dare hug me.

"Do you want to go to your own room so you all can have some privacy?" Jessica asked.

Roy nodded. "That would be good."

IIIII

"You have five minutes, alright?" Jessica said before she left the room.

"Why only five minutes?" Winry asked no one in specific.

"Probably because there are no camera's in here so they can't check in on him," answered Roy.

"I guess that makes sense..." Winry mused, looking at the bare walls. "Can't they paint it something besides white? Even mustard yellow would be better than this!"

I know she was just trying to make things better with a bit of a you-aren't-in-a-psycho-hospital-topic but it wasn't helping.

I was silent when we were left in the room alone. I still felt betrayed, being sent here, but I guess it was for my own good. Though I hated admitting it maybe I did need some help. An out-patient place would be a whole better than this.

"Do you have your own room?" questioned Winry who was trying to start up a conversation.

"No. I share it with Chris. He's rather nice," I replied. I knew they wanted to know what his problem was, I could see it in their eyes. "He's a schizophrenic."

"Have they been helping you so far?" Roy asked.

"No. I hate it here to tell the truth."

"Well you aren't supposed to love it. I don't think anybody here would. But you do realize I did this for your own good, right?"

"I...guess so. I dunno."

"See? Even your starting to realize that you might need a bit of help. That's good progress considering where you were four days ago," Roy said.

I think he was trying to get my spirits up but I didn't need to be told that I needed a 'bit' of help because I knew he wanted to say I needed a whole truck load of it. His words might try to deceive me but his ice-cold eyes can't.

"I'm sorry we haven't been able to visit you the last few days. They said you needed some time alone," admitted Winry.

"I wondered why you didn't come to visit me. Thought you might have been angry or abandoned me," My words sounded very hateful to them but to me, it was just the truth. Then I added, "In the worst place possible."

"We'd never do that," she replied sounding very convincing. "We both love you, Al. I don't want you to be here it's just that you need to be. Don't hate us, alright? We want to help. That's all. If you ended up killing yourself I don't know what I would do!" Winry's shoulders started shaking as she sobbed. "You're like my little brother!"

"...Really?"

She nodded as Roy handed her a tissue. "Y-Yes."

"I made a promise to Full Metal and I'm going to keep it," said Roy.

"Is that all I am to you? A promise to a friend who you don't even call by his real name?" I just wanted to scream at him but I suppressed my anger making my voice shaky. "His name was Edward! Stop calling him Full Metal! He was a normal human being despite all he's done! That's all he ever wanted to be and...and...I shortened his life!"

"Stop blaming yourself!" Roy snapped at me. "I'm going to tell you once again Al. Your brother knew he was going to die and he did it for you so you could live on. Do you want to disrespect him by ruining the body he died to make for you!"

I shook my head.

Winry looked at Roy and asked, "D-Do you think

"Al, there's something I think you need now more then ever," sighed the black-haired man. He brought out a small piece of paper folded into two and handed it to me. I looked at him curiously, wanting to know the meaning of it. "Full Met - I mean, Edward, gave that to me shortly before he did your transmutation. He wanted me to give it to you when I saw it fit and right now I think you need to know his thoughts on the deal."

Jessica opened the door and said, "I'm sorry but your time is up. Could you please finish and say your goodbyes?"

I and Winry hugged once again. She said, "I'll visit you tomorrow too."

"I have some business to take care of so unfortunately I can't come," Roy said.

No big deal, I thought. I knew better than to actually say that.

IIIII

They day went on and I wanted to read what Edward had written me but I couldn't bring myself to do it. I was so nervous. What would he say? Was he angry? Was he nervous? Was he frustrated? I know I would feel all emotions known to man if I knew I was going to die.

The time came where we had an hour of free time to walk around with our selected nurses. Mine, of course, was Jessica and with me was Chris and that little girl Merry from last night. I don't know how she would keep track of all of us since Chris wanted to go play video games with his 'friends', Merry wanted to go to the Music room, and I wanted to go in the backyard to just lay in the grass.

We ended up doing what I wanted to do because I convinced Merry and Chris it would be a whole lot more fun outside then it would be inside. There was a large backyard with a tall brick fence so nobody could get out. On top was barbed wire just to make sure.

I laid out on the grass and sighed.

Should I read it now? I thought to myself. No. I don't want to with Jessica over my shoulder. I'll probably start crying and then I'll make Merry and Chris upset.

"Is something wrong Al?" asked Chris, sitting next to me.

"No," I immediately said.

"I can tell something's wrong."

"I said nothing is wrong." He was nice but could get on my nerves. And right now I had a very short rope so he better get to his point.

Chris sighed, "You're the first person that ever stayed in a room with me. And the first one that Senleretta liked. I just wanted to help you is all."

"I...I just miss my brother...he..died a couple weeks ago and I..." I shook my head unable to finish my sentence.

"What was he like?"

"He was in the Military. Strong. Brave. Good hearted. Unless you called him short then he would start yelling 'Who are you calling so small that you need a magnifying glass to see me with you big jerk!'? It was quite funny when I think about it. He didn't think it was."

"The Military? That's cool," Chris said. "I had an older sister. I don't remember much of her though...all I remember is that when I was little she would hold me until I stopped crying. She was about seven years older then me and had very good maternal instincts."

"She sounds nice."

"And I'm sure your brother was very good too."

"My brother was the best of the best," I smiled for the first time I had been there.

And somehow, that short conversation made things a bit better.

IIIII

I finally got time to myself after dinner was served. I rushed back to my room where I had hid the note in one of my books so Chris wouldn't find it. He was still back at the cafeteria so I could be alone while reading it. I didn't want anybody to see me cry.

My hands were shaking as I sat on my bed and looked for the book. I opened the cover and there sat the note. It was so small yet so intimidating to me. I wanted to read it so badly but I was afraid that Edward would say something mean.

He would never say anything mean to me, I thought, trying to reassure myself. Here goes nothing.

Dear Al,

Hey, well, um...I've never been very good with letters as you may know. So I apologize in advance if this is a bit short.

I don't know how old you are or how far you've gotten in life when you're reading this but I wish you the best with everything. You deserve the best girlfriend, the best children, everything. I wish I could just be there when you get married. I would have loved to see you get married and have kids. I would have made one heck of an Uncle, wouldn't I?

Yeah, you would have, you big goof, I thought as I wiped tears from my eyes. I hadn't even gotten to the I-know-I-was-going-to-die part and I'm already crying?

You probably know by now that I died so you could live on in a human body. It was all my fault in the first place that you were in that armor. I never meant for you to go through so many hard times, I hope that you can forgive me.

Even though we've had it rough you've always held your head up high and sometimes, you were the only reason I woke up in the morning. When I saw no point in life I looked at you and saw somebody I had to keep living on for. It was my mission to give you a body and I'll do it even if I have to die.

You might miss me...I hope that you don't take it to hard. I love you, Al, and I want you to have the best. I wasn't the best Nii-san sometimes, heck, you probably hate me now for going off and dying on you but I still love you, Al. Your my baby brother. So please, live a good life and do your best at everything. I might not be there in the flesh but I'll always be looking down at you from heaven, always by your side every step of the way, and when times get hard I hope that you can find your own reason for living on.

But you were Nii-san! You were! I started shaking a bit more, feeling so sad but happy at the same time. A bitter-sweet letter it was.

I have to die so you can live on. That might be hard to take but know this: I did it willingly, and I did it because I love you. I know that you've probably gone and blamed yourself (I have known you for so many years) but it's not your fault. I love you, that's why I did it. Remember that.

H-He did it willingly, not because he felt obligated too? He doesn't b-blame me either? I thought.

I love you Al. Always have, always will.

Love,

Your Nii-san, even in death, Edward

IIIII Thirty years later...

Ah, Nii-san, here I stand again. I finally found the time in my busy life to take a step back and finally thank you for all that you've done for me even if you aren't right here. I've been really busy taking care of my family, job, even a grandchild one the way!

Now that I'm forty four and I look back at what I almost did to myself I can't believe it. I still want to be with you, Nii-san but this time I'll do it the natural way. That letter was what got me thinking that I really am worth living. If it wasn't for what you said in that letter I probably would have either staying in a Mental Institution or killing myself. I now see how foolish I was in thinking that it was the right thing to do.

I have two kids now, they're back in my old home, looking around at everything.

There's my older son Daniel, 24, I know I would have been twenty when me and my wife had him but we just wanted a son badly. He has his own wife now and she just got pregnant with my grandchild.

Then there's my younger son Edward Jr., 24, who reminds me the most of you. Daring, bold, caring, fair...short. I had to say it Nii-san. I'm sorry but you were a bit on the short side. I named him Edward after you, Nii-san. My wife named our first child and she said I could pick the name of this one and of course I couldn't go wrong with your name.

Last but not least is my youngest son Ashton, 16, who I have to say is your biggest fan. He's always telling me that he would have loved to meet you. Always asking me to tell stories about our adventures, mostly where you save the day. Seems like he likes his Uncle Edward better then his old man!

My wife, Lilly, unfortunately died in the Military. Yes. She was in the Military. Killed in action. You would have loved her too. So now it's just me and the boys! Though I do still have all of our old friends to help me deal with the rowdy three-some.

I'm grateful to you every single day that I wake up and see those kids. If it wasn't for you, Nii-san, then I would have never seen the light or had my children. I love myself now because of you. I don't put myself down unless I deserve it. You're the best thing that ever happened to me.

Even in death it's true, you are my Nii-san, looking down on me, and my children, and I expect that you'll look after my grandchild also the same way you have us.

I do miss you but you're always by my side. I know it. I love you, Nii-san. I should get back to the house, I've been gone for about an hour now talking to you and they might be getting a bit worried. That sounds familiar to you, doesn't it?

I'll visit you tomorrow, Nii-san, since me and the boys are going to be living in Resembool from now on in our old house. It might be a rusty, old building but I love it. Thanks again.

IIIII (Narrator POV)

"Hey, dad, welcome home!" Ashton said happily, wrapping his arms around Al's waist.

Al ruffled his sons hair with a smile. "I hope that you boys haven't been tearing up this house while I was gone, now have you?"

"Of course not. But Dan sat on the couch and busted it in half with his fat behind!" Edward Jr. stuck his tongue out at his elder brother.

"I'm not fat, shorty!" teased Daniel.

Al laughed to himself as they started chasing eachother like children.

"Don't break anything!" Shouted Al down the hallway as they went examining the rooms once again.

"Dad, could we look at the photo album of Uncle Edward again?" Ashton asked.

"Again?" Al mock-whined. Not that he didn't want to, just that Ashton always wanted to look at it.

"Pleeeeassseee?"

"Oh, alright, come on," Al motioned his youngest boy to come upstairs to where their luggage was. He searched in his bag and brought out the old, tattered thing that had once gave him so much strength in that hospital.

He sat on the bed, his young son beside him, putting his head on Al's shoulder. As he told old stories of who were in this pictures and where they were taken, Al felt as if someone was helping him hold up the album, a hand on his. As if Edward in spirit was with him.

True, Edward looked over his brother all of the time, and loved to be there when stories were told to his nephews.

IIIII END IIIII

Woah. That took only two days to type. Probably made some mistakes on the way but OH WELL. I'm to lazy to re-read :is shot: Okay, I deserve that, but no flames please! Review, and thanks for reading!

Sakaki's Little Sis