And It's Never Gonna Be the Jackie Chan Scene It Could Have Been

There were just some things a bloke just couldn't let pass. For one, a bloke couldn't let anyone talk about his mother. The greater influx of Muggleborns in the last few decades had made sure that the students at Hogwarts were influenced by Muggle culture whether they wanted it to or not. When the so-called "Yo Mama" jokes and insults became popular in the Muggle world, months later they were also popular at Hogwarts. Fred could never say that he was always polite to his mother and that his treatment of her was laudable, but that didn't mean anyone else had a right to insult her or any other member of his family.

Another thing a bloke couldn't let pass was another bloke moving in on his territory and doing it in such an obvious way that people started questioning the first bloke's manhood. No one was questioning Fred's manhood just yet, but the time wouldn't be far off if he didn't do anything. The last thing he wanted was to wake up with the metaphorical horns and have everyone laughing at him behind his back.

Not only was Fred's manhood at stake, but also his place as an honorary member of Gryffindor House, someone the wee ones looked up to. He and his brother might've had Slytherin tendencies, but it was Gryffindor courage that allowed them to pull the pranks they did and own up to it. It would be a blow to his reputation to have his girlfriend stolen from him, especially by a Slytherin.

Fred hadn't noticed at first the smirks and grins Montague sometimes sent Angelina's way. Once in a while he'd hear Katie or Alicia comment about them, but Angelina never mentioned them so he didn't think they were worth getting worked up about. When subtleness became boring, Montague became bolder. He started touching Angelina. A tap on the shoulder here, a hand on the arm there. Each time the touch lasted longer and became more intimate. To the untrained eye, Montague's touches displayed aggressiveness, but Fred knew better. He noticed that when Montague pulled at Angelina's braids, he would gently brush his fingers over them. When he blocked her path, he would hold her against him for a short moment before pushing her away.

At first, Angelina tried to ignore him. It was difficult, as they shared three classes and Montague would do things like change seats so he sat behind her. In Potions, Snape had caught on to the game and repeatedly paired them together. When she could no longer ignore him, the hitting began. Whenever Montague pulled one of his tricks, Angelina would slap him on the arm or shove him away. After one of her attacks, Montague always seemed to smile wider.

There wouldn't have been anything to worry about if Angelina had behaved how Fred thought she should've. There was the traditional look of annoyance and the rolling of her eyes whenever she saw Montague, but there was also a hint of amusement and anticipation in the curl of her lips.

Fred tried to explain the whole thing away. They were captains of rival Quidditch teams. There was bound to be an odd quality to their relationship. Fred remembered the intensity that was always in the air whenever Wood and Flint were near each other. Though, if the rumours were true, Flint and Wood were a lot closer during their time at school than they'd let on. That was all well and good for them, but neither of them had had a significant other being cheated on and made a fool of.

So with all this on his head, Fred knew something had to be done. This something had to be more than a prank, something that would make it quite clear to Montague that Fred was the bloke for Angelina. Apart from being chasers, Angelina and Montague had nothing in common.

Now, Fred hadn't come up with what that something was going to be when he came upon Montague shoving Angelina into an alcove and refusing to let her out. It was one thing for the game to be played when Fred was not around, but it was another to have it happen right in front of him. He had to act, even though he had no foolproof plan that would guarantee he didn't end up in Umbridge's office.

"Oi, what's going on here?" he shouted.

Montague turned to him, with a bored expression. "Weasley," he drawled. "Now, which one are you? The idiot or the fool? I can't seem to tell you two apart."

"Shut it, you sod. What's going on here?" he eyed Angelina, who had slipped out of the alcove.

Montague glanced at her, smiling. "Johnson and I were getting to know each other better before you so rudely interrupted us."

"Getting to know each other, my arse. It looked like you were getting ready to do something to her."

The air of playfulness dissipated around Montague. Fred was immediately reminded of how truly scary the other boy could be. Montague was at least a foot and a half taller and about four stones heavier. He was a mass of powerful muscles and Fred had seen how much damage he could do when he got a beater's bat in his hand.

"Are you insinuating something, Weasley." Montague's tone was low and dangerous. He took a step forward. "If you are, I would suggest that you come out with and make things clearer. I feel that things always go better when people make things clear."

Fred swallowed the lump in his throat. "Alright, then. I think you're trying something with Angelina, but she's not having it. Of course, being the arrogant arse you are, you don't want to listen."

Montague's expression was blank. Suddenly, he broke out into a grin. "You're an idiot, Weasley," he said, looking over at Angelina. "I can see now why you're interested in him. You don't expect much from an idiot. All you have to do is train him and let him out to piss once in a while. He's loyal to you, just like a dog."

As insults went, it wasn't the most vulgar Fred had heard, but it was one of the most vicious. Fred felt his body grow warm as his stance became rigid. His fists clenched.

Fred was unaware of what he'd done until well after he'd punched Montague.

The other boy touched his cheek where the punch had landed and moved his jaw experimentally. He seemed to be fine. Fred realized his hand was stiff and aching.

When Montague smirked at him, Fred had a sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach. "Fuck me," he heard Angelina mutter before Montague's fist came down and the world dissolved into dancing colours.

---

"You really are an idiot," Angelina said as they walked back to Gryffindor Tower. Her arms were folded and she refused to look at him.

Dizzily, Fred followed her, concentrating hard to keep from walking into a wall. Madame Pomfrey had told Angelina to help him to the tower but she'd shoved him away as soon as they were outside the infirmary. It was for his own good, she told him.

"What were you thinking? Montague's not Malfoy. He could've hurt you worse if he'd wanted to."

"Then why didn't he?"

"Because he has a brain unlike you, it seems. One punch is self-defence, two is a fight. He's a Slytherin. It's all about self-preservation, especially during a time like this. If he'd wanted, he could've reported you to Umbridge. She would expel you without a second thought."

"So why didn't he report me?" Fred stopped walking and gave her a hard look.

"Are you accusing me of something? If you are, then just say so. He's right. Everything works better when people are clear." She returned his harsh look.

Fred hesitated. He didn't want to seem like he didn't trust her. It was Montague he was worried about more than anything, but… The fact that there was a "but" meant the question had to be asked.

"Is there something going on between you and him? Tell me the truth."

"No," Angelina replied firmly. "Why would you think there is?"

"He fancies you."

She arched her brow, incredulous, but the idea of Montague liking her didn't seem to displease or disgust her. "I honestly doubt that," she said. "And if he does, who cares? It doesn't change anything."

"Doesn't change what?"

Angelina shook her head. "Nothing. Look, it's me and you, right. I've got too much Gryffindor in me to cheat on you so you've nothing to worry about. I can handle Montague. I'm not some damsel in distress and I don't need saving, alright?"

"Alright," Fred reluctantly agreed. "Can we kiss now?" he asked, hoping some humour would calm both of them.

"No," she replied, smiling. "I'm still angry with you." But she wouldn't be for long.

That really should've been the end of it, but the next day everyone knew Fred and Montague had gotten into it. All it took was a gathering of a few seventh years to discern the reason. Angelina became the envy of a few girls for having two boys fighting over her. Making a show of it all, Montague smirked at Fred in the Great Hall during lunch. During dinner, he heard that Montague had sent notes to Angelina during Arithmancy. She told him not to worry about it. She hadn't written him back.

All of Hogwarts was talking, but no one was laughing at Fred. It was something to be thankful for. However, that didn't mean he was about to become complacent. Montague was still a threat and Fred's honour and integrity were still at stake. He still had to come up with a plan, something to make things clear. Like Montague said, things were always better that way. The next time they faced each other—and there would be a next time—Fred had to make his actions count.

--end--

A/N: The title comes from a verse in The Streets "Geezers Need Excitement".